a smelly situation
August 7, 2013 12:09 PM Subscribe
Our friend gave us a loathsome housewarming gift, and we are in an etiquette bind!
Recently, my boyfriend and I moved from the house we were renting a room in, to a brand new apartment all our own. So far so good. Friends have been dropping by to congratulate us/drink our beer, and all has been well. However, my dear friend A. lovingly presented us with a gift we don't quite know what to do with. An entire durian fruit.
Now, before you assure me that the flavor is delicious and the smell is not that bad, I've had durian before. I think the flavor is fine, but I am not eager to brave the stench anytime soon to enjoy it, unless someone does it for me.
The problem is that, while A. was presenting us with the gift, she repeatedly stressed the pitfalls of consuming it. She advised us to wrap the remains in two plastic bags before putting it in the dumpster, noted that consumption of a durian is illegal on the Singapore subway, and made other references to the challenges faced by the would-be taster of the fruit.
My boyfriend, who is less of an adventurous eater, and furthermore very eager to maintain a high standard of cleanliness/fragrance in our new residence, was polite but apprehensive. After A. left, he expressed horror at the idea of befouling our new domicile with the fruit, and agitated to throw it out immediately (it did smell somewhat but as it had been frozen prior, the smell was not as bad as it could've been.)
However, while she was giving us the durian, A. also stressed the expense involved in procuring one, insisted repeatedly that we try it, and has asked that we send her pictures of its consumption. She has been texting me over the past few days asking if we've tried it.
The problem here is that we already disposed of the fruit. My boyfriend didn't want it in the house and he mummified it in plastic and put it in the dumpster. I feel terribly guilty, because A. is clearly passionate about durian and wants to share it with us, and because we promised we'd try it. Do we:
a) come clean and risk hurting her feelings?
b) procure another durian and go through the motions?
c) something else?
Help!
Recently, my boyfriend and I moved from the house we were renting a room in, to a brand new apartment all our own. So far so good. Friends have been dropping by to congratulate us/drink our beer, and all has been well. However, my dear friend A. lovingly presented us with a gift we don't quite know what to do with. An entire durian fruit.
Now, before you assure me that the flavor is delicious and the smell is not that bad, I've had durian before. I think the flavor is fine, but I am not eager to brave the stench anytime soon to enjoy it, unless someone does it for me.
The problem is that, while A. was presenting us with the gift, she repeatedly stressed the pitfalls of consuming it. She advised us to wrap the remains in two plastic bags before putting it in the dumpster, noted that consumption of a durian is illegal on the Singapore subway, and made other references to the challenges faced by the would-be taster of the fruit.
My boyfriend, who is less of an adventurous eater, and furthermore very eager to maintain a high standard of cleanliness/fragrance in our new residence, was polite but apprehensive. After A. left, he expressed horror at the idea of befouling our new domicile with the fruit, and agitated to throw it out immediately (it did smell somewhat but as it had been frozen prior, the smell was not as bad as it could've been.)
However, while she was giving us the durian, A. also stressed the expense involved in procuring one, insisted repeatedly that we try it, and has asked that we send her pictures of its consumption. She has been texting me over the past few days asking if we've tried it.
The problem here is that we already disposed of the fruit. My boyfriend didn't want it in the house and he mummified it in plastic and put it in the dumpster. I feel terribly guilty, because A. is clearly passionate about durian and wants to share it with us, and because we promised we'd try it. Do we:
a) come clean and risk hurting her feelings?
b) procure another durian and go through the motions?
c) something else?
Help!
c) Tell her that you and boyfriend tried it, but neglected to take pictures. Thank her for her generosity and leave it at that.
posted by tafetta, darling! at 12:13 PM on August 7, 2013 [88 favorites]
posted by tafetta, darling! at 12:13 PM on August 7, 2013 [88 favorites]
Your friend wins the prize for passive-aggressive act of the week. Give you a smelly fruit and then insist on pictures of you eating it?
(c) would be to say (if it is not too late), "We ate it right away, and it was delicious! So sorry -- we didn't think to Instagram it."
posted by Native in Exile at 12:14 PM on August 7, 2013 [15 favorites]
(c) would be to say (if it is not too late), "We ate it right away, and it was delicious! So sorry -- we didn't think to Instagram it."
posted by Native in Exile at 12:14 PM on August 7, 2013 [15 favorites]
Best answer: Okay, here's what you do.
Send her a note.
Dear Friend,
Courgette and I enjoyed your Durien the other evening. I'm sorry we don't have any pictures. I have to admit, while I didn't LOVE it, I'm really glad I had an opportunity to try it. Courgette was really turned off by the smell, but gave it the old college try. I don't think he's going to be a convert any time soon! I just love that you gave us an experience! Now we can count ourselves among the few Americans who have tried the Stinky Durien! Thank you so much for your thoughtful gift.
Aubergine and Courgette
Done and done. Also, no chance of being gifted with another.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 12:15 PM on August 7, 2013 [112 favorites]
Send her a note.
Dear Friend,
Courgette and I enjoyed your Durien the other evening. I'm sorry we don't have any pictures. I have to admit, while I didn't LOVE it, I'm really glad I had an opportunity to try it. Courgette was really turned off by the smell, but gave it the old college try. I don't think he's going to be a convert any time soon! I just love that you gave us an experience! Now we can count ourselves among the few Americans who have tried the Stinky Durien! Thank you so much for your thoughtful gift.
Aubergine and Courgette
Done and done. Also, no chance of being gifted with another.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 12:15 PM on August 7, 2013 [112 favorites]
A. also stressed the expense involved in procuring one, insisted repeatedly that we try it, and has asked that we send her pictures of its consumption. She has been texting me over the past few days asking if we've tried it.
This seems like less of a gift and more of a homework assignment. I would send a noncommital thank you note for her generous, exotic gift with regrets that no photos were taken.
posted by jetlagaddict at 12:15 PM on August 7, 2013 [35 favorites]
This seems like less of a gift and more of a homework assignment. I would send a noncommital thank you note for her generous, exotic gift with regrets that no photos were taken.
posted by jetlagaddict at 12:15 PM on August 7, 2013 [35 favorites]
There are two kinds of gifts: Gifts For the Recipient and Gifts For the Giver. A gift for the recipient takes into account the giftee's tastes, preferences, personality, etc. A gift for the GIVER, on the other hand, is basically a junior high "ALL ABOUT ME!!!!" collage disguised as a present.
I take it neither you NOR your boyfriend ever expressed an interest in durians, or a strong desire to try them, or were ever like, "You know what would be GREAT? Trying an obscure, much-maligned tropical fruit! That stinks! And is covered in spikes! That would really hit the spot." So... yeah. This was a gift for HER, not for YOU, and therefore you do not need to feel at ALL bad about disposing of the durian and then fibbing about its untimely demise.
posted by julthumbscrew at 12:16 PM on August 7, 2013 [22 favorites]
I take it neither you NOR your boyfriend ever expressed an interest in durians, or a strong desire to try them, or were ever like, "You know what would be GREAT? Trying an obscure, much-maligned tropical fruit! That stinks! And is covered in spikes! That would really hit the spot." So... yeah. This was a gift for HER, not for YOU, and therefore you do not need to feel at ALL bad about disposing of the durian and then fibbing about its untimely demise.
posted by julthumbscrew at 12:16 PM on August 7, 2013 [22 favorites]
Generally, the purpose of a gift is to make the receiver feel good. Don't ever feel guilty for not sharing the same taste (in this case, the same literal taste) as your gift-giver.
I think you could say something like, "Thank you so much for your generosity. We didn't really care for it, but it was such an adventure that we didn't get a chance to take pictures!" The nice thing about this kind of statement is that it is true - you didn't get a chance to take pictures of the adventure y'all must have had double-wrapping it and disposing of it promptly.
posted by k8lin at 12:17 PM on August 7, 2013 [2 favorites]
I think you could say something like, "Thank you so much for your generosity. We didn't really care for it, but it was such an adventure that we didn't get a chance to take pictures!" The nice thing about this kind of statement is that it is true - you didn't get a chance to take pictures of the adventure y'all must have had double-wrapping it and disposing of it promptly.
posted by k8lin at 12:17 PM on August 7, 2013 [2 favorites]
This is the weirdest gift I've ever heard of someone being given as a housewarming gift. Or for many other occasions, for that matter.
A gift is not an obligation. I'd be honest and say that Boyfriend couldn't stand the smell of it in the house. You'll hopefully offend her to the point she won't give you any more such things. Are you getting a goat next? Or maybe some mud from the bottom of a pond? What in the world was your friend thinking, giving you something like this?
If you like her, say that your boyfriend didn't have any because of the horrid smell and that you only had a spoonful. Unfortunately, you didn't have time to get a camera because the smell was so overpowering. Don't thank her for it.
posted by Solomon at 12:18 PM on August 7, 2013 [5 favorites]
A gift is not an obligation. I'd be honest and say that Boyfriend couldn't stand the smell of it in the house. You'll hopefully offend her to the point she won't give you any more such things. Are you getting a goat next? Or maybe some mud from the bottom of a pond? What in the world was your friend thinking, giving you something like this?
If you like her, say that your boyfriend didn't have any because of the horrid smell and that you only had a spoonful. Unfortunately, you didn't have time to get a camera because the smell was so overpowering. Don't thank her for it.
posted by Solomon at 12:18 PM on August 7, 2013 [5 favorites]
Yes, your friend miscalculated--but I'm sure she loves durian and was sure that if only you tried it you'd love it too and it was going to be SUCH a cool housewarming present because you'd be all "OMG, I'm not sure about this" and then be all "OMG, this is the BEST thing EVER!"
So I think various people's suggestions for the "c" option above are good. You thank her, you acknowledge the good intent of the gift, but you do it in such a way that you're not caught out in any "oh, great, now you have to come join my durian-of-the-month-club parties!!" problems.
posted by yoink at 12:23 PM on August 7, 2013 [4 favorites]
So I think various people's suggestions for the "c" option above are good. You thank her, you acknowledge the good intent of the gift, but you do it in such a way that you're not caught out in any "oh, great, now you have to come join my durian-of-the-month-club parties!!" problems.
posted by yoink at 12:23 PM on August 7, 2013 [4 favorites]
jetlagaddict has it unless she is indeed a truly dear friend, in which case I would say:
Dear dearest friend: Thanks so much for your thoughtfulness and the time and effort you spent securing your unique gift to us. Sorry there are no pictures to show. I will tell you that neither of us has emerged from this experience as a durian fan, nor do we want to relive it again, even in pictures or conversation. Hope to see you soon to eat and talk about something more palatable together.
posted by bearwife at 12:23 PM on August 7, 2013 [11 favorites]
Dear dearest friend: Thanks so much for your thoughtfulness and the time and effort you spent securing your unique gift to us. Sorry there are no pictures to show. I will tell you that neither of us has emerged from this experience as a durian fan, nor do we want to relive it again, even in pictures or conversation. Hope to see you soon to eat and talk about something more palatable together.
posted by bearwife at 12:23 PM on August 7, 2013 [11 favorites]
The problem is that, while A. was presenting us with the gift, she repeatedly stressed the pitfalls of consuming it. She advised us to wrap the remains in two plastic bags before putting it in the dumpster, noted that consumption of a durian is illegal on the Singapore subway, and made other references to the challenges faced by the would-be taster of the fruit.
In my view, she's given you an out by making such a dramatic show of what a PITA it would be to eat this thing. I would have no qualms about thanking her for the gift, but saying that you were daunted by the task of consuming it and didn't have the time to give it the attention it required, considering you were in the middle of, you know, settling in and unpacking.
Seriously, I'm sure she's a great friend and thought this would be really cool, but that is kind of a high maintenance gift to give someone for a housewarming and I think it would be perfectly fine to say so, in gentler words. A goldfish would almost be more appropriate.
posted by payoto at 12:28 PM on August 7, 2013 [2 favorites]
In my view, she's given you an out by making such a dramatic show of what a PITA it would be to eat this thing. I would have no qualms about thanking her for the gift, but saying that you were daunted by the task of consuming it and didn't have the time to give it the attention it required, considering you were in the middle of, you know, settling in and unpacking.
Seriously, I'm sure she's a great friend and thought this would be really cool, but that is kind of a high maintenance gift to give someone for a housewarming and I think it would be perfectly fine to say so, in gentler words. A goldfish would almost be more appropriate.
posted by payoto at 12:28 PM on August 7, 2013 [2 favorites]
Can you lie and say you ate it and you forgot to take pictures? If you've had durian before, it won't be hard to lie and just recall your previous experience. Say your boyfriend was repulsed by it. Your friend is an odd duck and it's really not your problem.
posted by AppleTurnover at 12:31 PM on August 7, 2013
posted by AppleTurnover at 12:31 PM on August 7, 2013
If she's a *real* friend, then you should be honest with her, even (or especially) if it hurts. Go with (a), and let her know that she should have thought better of giving such a gift.
If you're not close, or otherwise don't care, then go ahead and lie about it. But, don't invite her back again.
posted by Citrus at 12:31 PM on August 7, 2013 [1 favorite]
If you're not close, or otherwise don't care, then go ahead and lie about it. But, don't invite her back again.
posted by Citrus at 12:31 PM on August 7, 2013 [1 favorite]
making such a dramatic show of what a PITA it would be to eat this thing
"Put the remains in two plastic bags" doesn't really qualify as a PITA, does it? And unless their new house is located on the Singapore subway, that was just a colorful bit of background information, not an additional burden for them to bear.
No one did anything wrong here, no one needs to be punished or reprimanded or made to feel bad. This is a perfect example of a case where a little prevarication oils the wheels of social interaction and leaves everyone happy--as they should be.
posted by yoink at 12:32 PM on August 7, 2013 [2 favorites]
"Put the remains in two plastic bags" doesn't really qualify as a PITA, does it? And unless their new house is located on the Singapore subway, that was just a colorful bit of background information, not an additional burden for them to bear.
No one did anything wrong here, no one needs to be punished or reprimanded or made to feel bad. This is a perfect example of a case where a little prevarication oils the wheels of social interaction and leaves everyone happy--as they should be.
posted by yoink at 12:32 PM on August 7, 2013 [2 favorites]
c) "Sorry, no pics, but wow! It was so perfectly ripe we didn't even need to cut the halves. Smelled like dirty locker room, tasted like custard (I thought). Sadly Boyfriend not a fan but thanks for the culinary adventure!"
posted by DarlingBri at 12:32 PM on August 7, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by DarlingBri at 12:32 PM on August 7, 2013 [3 favorites]
You could also ask if you could bring it to her house and share it with her there, explaining that you don't want to stink up your house and you really want her to have some, too.
TWF, it's already been dumpstered.
posted by yoink at 12:34 PM on August 7, 2013
TWF, it's already been dumpstered.
posted by yoink at 12:34 PM on August 7, 2013
I definitely wouldn't lie about it. You should just say that your boyfriend was very affected by the smell and you had to get rid of it ASAP.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 12:34 PM on August 7, 2013 [5 favorites]
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 12:34 PM on August 7, 2013 [5 favorites]
I would just tell her what happened.
Say that you chickened out and couldn't deal with it.
It's not the end of the world (they're not that expensive), and TBH it was kind of a thoughtless gift on her part and her antics surrounding it haven't nudged it toward the thoughtful end at all.
If you do decide to get another durian and go through the motions, chill out, guys. It's not that bad a smell. It's not, like, "great now our apartment stinks forever" level of bad. It's just a pungent smell that some people think is unpleasant and which is a bizarre contrast to the taste of the fruit.
"OMG, I'm not sure about this" and then be all "OMG, this is the BEST thing EVER!"
FWIW when I finally got around to trying durian, I didn't feel this way about it at all. I thought it smelled kind of weird (but not nearly as gross as the hype led me to believe) and tasted pretty meh. Definitely a "C-, Would Not Durian Again" kind of experience.
So you guys could definitely go the "meh, and we didn't take pictures sorry" route.
posted by Sara C. at 12:41 PM on August 7, 2013 [6 favorites]
Say that you chickened out and couldn't deal with it.
It's not the end of the world (they're not that expensive), and TBH it was kind of a thoughtless gift on her part and her antics surrounding it haven't nudged it toward the thoughtful end at all.
If you do decide to get another durian and go through the motions, chill out, guys. It's not that bad a smell. It's not, like, "great now our apartment stinks forever" level of bad. It's just a pungent smell that some people think is unpleasant and which is a bizarre contrast to the taste of the fruit.
"OMG, I'm not sure about this" and then be all "OMG, this is the BEST thing EVER!"
FWIW when I finally got around to trying durian, I didn't feel this way about it at all. I thought it smelled kind of weird (but not nearly as gross as the hype led me to believe) and tasted pretty meh. Definitely a "C-, Would Not Durian Again" kind of experience.
So you guys could definitely go the "meh, and we didn't take pictures sorry" route.
posted by Sara C. at 12:41 PM on August 7, 2013 [6 favorites]
"Put the remains in two plastic bags" doesn't really qualify as a PITA, does it? And unless their new house is located on the Singapore subway, that was just a colorful bit of background information, not an additional burden for them to bear.
My point was that the giver stressed that the gift required special care and maintenance. That's how it was expressed in the OP, at least. I have never personally handled durian but if anyone gave me a gift and went on about how difficult it was going to be to use, I would consider that my implicit permission not to use it and not to hide that fact from the giver.
I also think it's pretty boorish to give someone a gift, demand that the person photograph the use of the gift, and then continually follow up with text messages asking about it. I think the direct approach is called for here rather than humoring this behavior.
posted by payoto at 12:41 PM on August 7, 2013
My point was that the giver stressed that the gift required special care and maintenance. That's how it was expressed in the OP, at least. I have never personally handled durian but if anyone gave me a gift and went on about how difficult it was going to be to use, I would consider that my implicit permission not to use it and not to hide that fact from the giver.
I also think it's pretty boorish to give someone a gift, demand that the person photograph the use of the gift, and then continually follow up with text messages asking about it. I think the direct approach is called for here rather than humoring this behavior.
posted by payoto at 12:41 PM on August 7, 2013
Is it possible that your 'friend' was the original recipient of the durian which she detests and needed to rid herself of it? You were the patsy. If you suspect that it was a practical joke, you might ask her if she will pay half of your Emergency Room expenses.
posted by Cranberry at 12:42 PM on August 7, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by Cranberry at 12:42 PM on August 7, 2013 [3 favorites]
Wow, that's a real sitcom plot of a gift. It's not a lie to say that you enjoyed the taste (since you've had it before and all) but both of you had trouble with the smell and had to get rid of it. And that, in the excitement of the moment, you'd totally forgotten to take pictures.
If you and A are very close and can handle honesty, you might just say "Hey, you know, it smelled really strong and stank up the whole house, and we couldn't handle it. I know you meant well, but we can't help wondering if it was a practical joke."
posted by Metroid Baby at 12:56 PM on August 7, 2013
If you and A are very close and can handle honesty, you might just say "Hey, you know, it smelled really strong and stank up the whole house, and we couldn't handle it. I know you meant well, but we can't help wondering if it was a practical joke."
posted by Metroid Baby at 12:56 PM on August 7, 2013
we can't help wondering if it was a practical joke
There is no way to say such a thing without potentially seriously offending this person who the Asker describes here as a "dear friend."
Look, we've all done the thing of having a Great Idea for a gift for someone that, in retrospect, or from the recipient's p.o.v. turns out to have been a stupid idea. If any of you think you haven't done that, it's because your friends are sweet to you and do the proper thing, expressing gratitude for your gift because they know it was given with love, even thought they think it's hideous/immoral/inedible/whatever. The friend gave the Asker a gift which she mistakenly thought would be a fun, slightly adventurous but ultimately delectable taste sensation. It's not a "practical joke." Durians don't explode when you stick a spoon in them, they don't leave an indelible stank in your house that can never be removed; they just smell a bit funky, that's all.
It was o.k. (though a bit overexcitable) for your boyfriend to freak out and dumpster it, Asker, but the gift was well-intentioned on the part of your friend and she deserves to be given the satisfaction of being told that you appreciated the gift--in such a way, however, as not to encourage her to waste her time and money on getting you any more of them.
posted by yoink at 1:04 PM on August 7, 2013 [2 favorites]
There is no way to say such a thing without potentially seriously offending this person who the Asker describes here as a "dear friend."
Look, we've all done the thing of having a Great Idea for a gift for someone that, in retrospect, or from the recipient's p.o.v. turns out to have been a stupid idea. If any of you think you haven't done that, it's because your friends are sweet to you and do the proper thing, expressing gratitude for your gift because they know it was given with love, even thought they think it's hideous/immoral/inedible/whatever. The friend gave the Asker a gift which she mistakenly thought would be a fun, slightly adventurous but ultimately delectable taste sensation. It's not a "practical joke." Durians don't explode when you stick a spoon in them, they don't leave an indelible stank in your house that can never be removed; they just smell a bit funky, that's all.
It was o.k. (though a bit overexcitable) for your boyfriend to freak out and dumpster it, Asker, but the gift was well-intentioned on the part of your friend and she deserves to be given the satisfaction of being told that you appreciated the gift--in such a way, however, as not to encourage her to waste her time and money on getting you any more of them.
posted by yoink at 1:04 PM on August 7, 2013 [2 favorites]
"Thank you so much! No pictures because we decided that reality could in no way match the experience our imaginations had provided. Thank you for providing such a wonderful memory!"
posted by The Deej at 1:05 PM on August 7, 2013
posted by The Deej at 1:05 PM on August 7, 2013
It was a pretty rude and demanding thing for her to do, not thoughtful in the slightest.
Just say that you didn't care for durian in the house, apologize insincerely for not eating it, and drop it.
posted by Slap*Happy at 1:06 PM on August 7, 2013 [2 favorites]
Just say that you didn't care for durian in the house, apologize insincerely for not eating it, and drop it.
posted by Slap*Happy at 1:06 PM on August 7, 2013 [2 favorites]
What is with all the people here encouraging you to lie? To a "dear friend"? (One who is admittedly being a jerk in this particular instance, but still.)
You tell her, "Look, I'm really sorry, but the smell was too much and we threw it out. We just couldn't handle it. Really sorry."
posted by jbickers at 1:45 PM on August 7, 2013 [4 favorites]
You tell her, "Look, I'm really sorry, but the smell was too much and we threw it out. We just couldn't handle it. Really sorry."
posted by jbickers at 1:45 PM on August 7, 2013 [4 favorites]
Best answer: What is with all the people here encouraging you to lie? To a "dear friend"?
This is a "lie" in the sense that "yes, you look great in that dress!" is a "lie"--in other words, in no significant moral sense whatsoever. There is no general moral obligation to provide gift-givers with an exact, unsparingly truthful assessment of the quality and utility of their gifts. There is, however, a general moral obligation to respond graciously to the thought that motivated a gift, even if the gift itself failed to please (or, as in this case, even if you wigged out and failed to actually try the gift).
posted by yoink at 2:04 PM on August 7, 2013 [10 favorites]
This is a "lie" in the sense that "yes, you look great in that dress!" is a "lie"--in other words, in no significant moral sense whatsoever. There is no general moral obligation to provide gift-givers with an exact, unsparingly truthful assessment of the quality and utility of their gifts. There is, however, a general moral obligation to respond graciously to the thought that motivated a gift, even if the gift itself failed to please (or, as in this case, even if you wigged out and failed to actually try the gift).
posted by yoink at 2:04 PM on August 7, 2013 [10 favorites]
I'm with jbickers on this one, a simple "Sorry, we couldn't do it and the house started smelling like death-ass so we threw it" ought to cover everything. There will almost certainly be some friction, but then that started when someone dropped the dumpsterfruit in your lap without consulting you about it. I had a very culinary-adventurous roomate who brought one home once, although with my full knowledge beforehand and the expectation that it would actually be less terrible than some of the things I've eaten without prompting (my parents grew up during the depression/scrape the mold off the jelly type stuff.) It smelled and tasted about like cat pee and mildew AFAICT.
For a slightly more passive aggressive but higher risk solution, just visit the local asian market, pick up another one, bag it and stick it in the back of the freezer, tell her you've refrozen it pending her coming over to man the cameras and also join you for a king of fruit smoothee party. Make a note on the bag with instructions to not open and throw out on the date of a year past purchase because I garauntee you that everyone involved is going to acquire selective amnesia at the word "smoothee".
posted by mcrandello at 2:25 PM on August 7, 2013
For a slightly more passive aggressive but higher risk solution, just visit the local asian market, pick up another one, bag it and stick it in the back of the freezer, tell her you've refrozen it pending her coming over to man the cameras and also join you for a king of fruit smoothee party. Make a note on the bag with instructions to not open and throw out on the date of a year past purchase because I garauntee you that everyone involved is going to acquire selective amnesia at the word "smoothee".
posted by mcrandello at 2:25 PM on August 7, 2013
Don't lie, say what you said here.
"I've tried it before and don't want to again; boyfriend doesn't wanna. Come pick it up if you want it back."
posted by destructive cactus at 3:36 PM on August 7, 2013 [1 favorite]
"I've tried it before and don't want to again; boyfriend doesn't wanna. Come pick it up if you want it back."
posted by destructive cactus at 3:36 PM on August 7, 2013 [1 favorite]
You know, I really want to like Ruthless Bunny's answer because I think it's a nice thing to do.
However, it isn't what I would do, for a friend. I would probably say something like, "Friend, thank you so much for your thoughtful gift, but SO isn't an adventurous eater and I'm not a big fan of it -- or the smell. I feel guilty, because we promised to try it, but we chickened out and dumpstered it."
posted by sm1tten at 3:58 PM on August 7, 2013 [1 favorite]
However, it isn't what I would do, for a friend. I would probably say something like, "Friend, thank you so much for your thoughtful gift, but SO isn't an adventurous eater and I'm not a big fan of it -- or the smell. I feel guilty, because we promised to try it, but we chickened out and dumpstered it."
posted by sm1tten at 3:58 PM on August 7, 2013 [1 favorite]
Tell the truth because otherwise you'll get another.
Though honestly, my BS alarm is going off. I really do think she was playing a prank on you. I mean, who the heck brings a legendarily stinky fruit to a new place and demand pics of its consumption? I think she's having a laugh.
posted by inturnaround at 4:05 PM on August 7, 2013
Though honestly, my BS alarm is going off. I really do think she was playing a prank on you. I mean, who the heck brings a legendarily stinky fruit to a new place and demand pics of its consumption? I think she's having a laugh.
posted by inturnaround at 4:05 PM on August 7, 2013
I've eaten one... I froze it first. The smell wasn't bad, perhaps because of freezing it? I scraped the flesh & ate it like ice-cream. Can you tell them this is how you consumed it?
posted by Alpenglow at 4:25 PM on August 7, 2013
posted by Alpenglow at 4:25 PM on August 7, 2013
Response by poster: We thought it might be a prank too*, but if it is, she was so po-faced delivering it that we definitely fell for it.
However, I do think it was an earnest if misguided gift; another friend has reported hearing mention of the gift along with musings about when we're going to get around to enjoying it, so I think she is just really invested in us appreciating durian as much as she does.
She's been sending me texts asking if we've eaten it yet, so I also think she suspects we're not fully committed to savoring it.
I think, in light of the fact that she has suspicions, I may just have to come clean, confess to the disposal, and buy her her own durian.
Ultimately, it was well worth it if for no other reason than that I learned that I must immediately start referring to my boyfriend as courgette.
*there is a little bit of a history in our social circle of inflicting useless or bad gifts on each other. A. and her boyfriend were themselves gifted a box full of bees at one point, which they responded to by mailing a canister full of thousands of ladybugs to the bee-giver's NY apartment (the animals were subsequently given to more appreciative apiarists/gardeners and were not harmed).
But in each of these cases, the incidence of the gift itself was the beginning and end of the prank, and I really do think that in this case, she is completely serious.
posted by Aubergine at 4:25 PM on August 7, 2013 [3 favorites]
However, I do think it was an earnest if misguided gift; another friend has reported hearing mention of the gift along with musings about when we're going to get around to enjoying it, so I think she is just really invested in us appreciating durian as much as she does.
She's been sending me texts asking if we've eaten it yet, so I also think she suspects we're not fully committed to savoring it.
I think, in light of the fact that she has suspicions, I may just have to come clean, confess to the disposal, and buy her her own durian.
Ultimately, it was well worth it if for no other reason than that I learned that I must immediately start referring to my boyfriend as courgette.
*there is a little bit of a history in our social circle of inflicting useless or bad gifts on each other. A. and her boyfriend were themselves gifted a box full of bees at one point, which they responded to by mailing a canister full of thousands of ladybugs to the bee-giver's NY apartment (the animals were subsequently given to more appreciative apiarists/gardeners and were not harmed).
But in each of these cases, the incidence of the gift itself was the beginning and end of the prank, and I really do think that in this case, she is completely serious.
posted by Aubergine at 4:25 PM on August 7, 2013 [3 favorites]
The transaction of gift-giving is, according to some, more about the social connection of the giver and giftee than about the thing itself. The social connection is reflected in the time and thought she put into the gift. The amount of time and thought reflects her investment in the relationship (and in her own interests, but let's focus on the relationship).
So, when you tell her the truth (another good social investment), make sure you pay due attention to her thought and effort. Tell her, emphatically, that you realize and appreciate that she went to such creative lengths to give you a unique experience. This particular experience wasn't what you were looking for, but maybe you two can come up with some other ideas for unusual experiences that you can do together. Less odiferous ones, perhaps, or more attractively scented.
She was trying to give you a truly thoughtful gift: one that would build memories rather than clutter. Please acknowledge that this was awesome of her, and reciprocate.
We're all just figuring out this life stuff together.
posted by amtho at 4:55 PM on August 7, 2013 [3 favorites]
So, when you tell her the truth (another good social investment), make sure you pay due attention to her thought and effort. Tell her, emphatically, that you realize and appreciate that she went to such creative lengths to give you a unique experience. This particular experience wasn't what you were looking for, but maybe you two can come up with some other ideas for unusual experiences that you can do together. Less odiferous ones, perhaps, or more attractively scented.
She was trying to give you a truly thoughtful gift: one that would build memories rather than clutter. Please acknowledge that this was awesome of her, and reciprocate.
We're all just figuring out this life stuff together.
posted by amtho at 4:55 PM on August 7, 2013 [3 favorites]
Solomon: "Don't thank her for it."
I must disagree with you on this point. Even a terrible gift should involve a thank you if given geniunely. Even if they express their dislike for the gift as per everyone else here, they should still thank her for her thoughtfulness in giving them a gift.
posted by IndigoRain at 5:42 PM on August 7, 2013 [1 favorite]
I must disagree with you on this point. Even a terrible gift should involve a thank you if given geniunely. Even if they express their dislike for the gift as per everyone else here, they should still thank her for her thoughtfulness in giving them a gift.
posted by IndigoRain at 5:42 PM on August 7, 2013 [1 favorite]
I have to admit, Durian has such a reputation, I thought it would be a huge deal to eat it - I was almost disappointed that it wasn't really, and I find it delicious. Fruit that tastes like custard. Go figure.
Also, fresh durian doesn't have that much of a smell. Singapore would also ban most fancy cheeses if that was a thing there. If the fruit is rotting, it does smell, but it isn't nearly as bad as say, scraps of raw meat.
I'm surprised you didn't just give it away or give it back, or at least, y'know, cut it open since it didn't smell.
Ruthless Bunny has it, because if it were me, if you didn't want it, I'd have been cool with it if you just gave it back to me, or gave it to someone who would appreciate it. Throwing a present directly in the rubbish without trying it would feel weirdly wasteful and disrespectful.
posted by Elysum at 6:16 PM on August 7, 2013 [2 favorites]
Also, fresh durian doesn't have that much of a smell. Singapore would also ban most fancy cheeses if that was a thing there. If the fruit is rotting, it does smell, but it isn't nearly as bad as say, scraps of raw meat.
I'm surprised you didn't just give it away or give it back, or at least, y'know, cut it open since it didn't smell.
Ruthless Bunny has it, because if it were me, if you didn't want it, I'd have been cool with it if you just gave it back to me, or gave it to someone who would appreciate it. Throwing a present directly in the rubbish without trying it would feel weirdly wasteful and disrespectful.
posted by Elysum at 6:16 PM on August 7, 2013 [2 favorites]
Some people are much more sensitive to smells than others. Personally, I'd find a gift of durian about as tasty and welcome as road kill. Ruthless Bunny's reply is gracious to a fault, I'd go with that and tbh, I'd copy passive aggressive notes on this. Some people just amaze me.
posted by Space Kitty at 8:59 PM on August 7, 2013
posted by Space Kitty at 8:59 PM on August 7, 2013
Three things matter: she gave you a gift. You didn't want it. She demands that you jump through hoops to demonstrate your usage of the gift.
The first two of these things are fine. The third is very rude on her part and changes this from a gift to an imposition. You should just ignore that part.
Having decided to ignore your friend's rude behaviour you can just send her a thank you note and be done with it.
Ruthless Bunny's script is perfect. It also conveys the grossed-out reaction your friend was trying to elicit, but not in any way that rewards or incentivises the giving of obnoxious gag gifts. You'll be in the right, and she'll take her exotic fruit drama to a more compliant target next time.
posted by tel3path at 12:47 AM on August 8, 2013
The first two of these things are fine. The third is very rude on her part and changes this from a gift to an imposition. You should just ignore that part.
Having decided to ignore your friend's rude behaviour you can just send her a thank you note and be done with it.
Ruthless Bunny's script is perfect. It also conveys the grossed-out reaction your friend was trying to elicit, but not in any way that rewards or incentivises the giving of obnoxious gag gifts. You'll be in the right, and she'll take her exotic fruit drama to a more compliant target next time.
posted by tel3path at 12:47 AM on August 8, 2013
She demands that you jump through hoops to demonstrate your usage of the gift.
There's some utterly bizarre projection going on in this thread. All the Asker wrote was that she "asked that we send her pictures of its consumption." That's it. "Asking" is not "demanding." "Taking some pictures" is not "jumping through hoops."
The only reason the Asker is at all embarrassed by the request for these pictures is because she threw the gift away without trying it. It's not as if the friend demanded she go out and buy a Leica M3 and take pictures of herself and partner consuming the Durian while sitting atop the cupola of City Hall or something.
posted by yoink at 9:17 AM on August 8, 2013 [3 favorites]
There's some utterly bizarre projection going on in this thread. All the Asker wrote was that she "asked that we send her pictures of its consumption." That's it. "Asking" is not "demanding." "Taking some pictures" is not "jumping through hoops."
The only reason the Asker is at all embarrassed by the request for these pictures is because she threw the gift away without trying it. It's not as if the friend demanded she go out and buy a Leica M3 and take pictures of herself and partner consuming the Durian while sitting atop the cupola of City Hall or something.
posted by yoink at 9:17 AM on August 8, 2013 [3 favorites]
But the fact is, it is rude to keep interrogating a gift recipient about their usage of the gift. What you give someone is theirs, and that means it's also theirs to throw away uneaten if they want to. You don't get to keep texting them over a period of days to ask for photographic evidence that they are consuming the gift according to your stipulation. It's not "projection" to describe that as demanding, since repetitive pestering of this kind is the very definition of "demanding". It is turning a gift into a homework assignment.
The only way you should pay attention to the recipents' usage of a gift you give them, is to look out of the corner of your eye to see if they enjoyed it so much that you should get them another one next time, or if you should maybe skip the exotic fruit and stick to Amazon vouchers from now on.
A thank-you note is enough, there is absolutely no reason to go out and buy another durian fruit and engage in fruit-based performance art simply because the friend is being a pest about it.
But if you do do fruit-based performance art, try carving it into some sort of sculpture, like a swan would be nice or perhaps a cherub pissing into an ice bowl with little artichoke lotuses floating in it. In for a penny, in for a pound.
posted by tel3path at 1:39 PM on August 8, 2013 [5 favorites]
The only way you should pay attention to the recipents' usage of a gift you give them, is to look out of the corner of your eye to see if they enjoyed it so much that you should get them another one next time, or if you should maybe skip the exotic fruit and stick to Amazon vouchers from now on.
A thank-you note is enough, there is absolutely no reason to go out and buy another durian fruit and engage in fruit-based performance art simply because the friend is being a pest about it.
But if you do do fruit-based performance art, try carving it into some sort of sculpture, like a swan would be nice or perhaps a cherub pissing into an ice bowl with little artichoke lotuses floating in it. In for a penny, in for a pound.
posted by tel3path at 1:39 PM on August 8, 2013 [5 favorites]
And that's what I think this is, a gag gift. I'd still find it more burdensome than humorous, though.
[I can laugh uproariously over Godiva chocolates, hint hint, and would be most willing to be photographed consuming a hundredweight of Godiva chocolates one by one. It's no trouble. All those of you running Godiva chocolate-related performance art projects, memail me to get my shipping address.]
posted by tel3path at 2:26 PM on August 8, 2013 [1 favorite]
[I can laugh uproariously over Godiva chocolates, hint hint, and would be most willing to be photographed consuming a hundredweight of Godiva chocolates one by one. It's no trouble. All those of you running Godiva chocolate-related performance art projects, memail me to get my shipping address.]
posted by tel3path at 2:26 PM on August 8, 2013 [1 favorite]
Now I know what to bring to the next white elephant gift exchange.
I think she tried to give you a gag gift, but doesn't quite understand the concept of gag gifts, and gave you a gag inducing gift instead.
posted by yohko at 10:07 PM on August 8, 2013 [1 favorite]
I think she tried to give you a gag gift, but doesn't quite understand the concept of gag gifts, and gave you a gag inducing gift instead.
posted by yohko at 10:07 PM on August 8, 2013 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: UPDATE: A. turns out to be a occasional MeFi reader and stumbled upon this thread! IT WAS A PRANK!!! and I completely fell for it. Many thanks to all for muddling through this with me!
posted by Aubergine at 11:30 AM on August 9, 2013 [17 favorites]
posted by Aubergine at 11:30 AM on August 9, 2013 [17 favorites]
That is hilarious. Thanks for the update; I've never seen this happen on Metafilter before (ie, the subject of the AskMe reads the site and identifies him/herself in a question).
So, "A. is clearly passionate about durian and wants to share it with us" -- hee hee!
posted by onlyconnect at 2:59 PM on August 9, 2013
So, "A. is clearly passionate about durian and wants to share it with us" -- hee hee!
posted by onlyconnect at 2:59 PM on August 9, 2013
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