How and when should I tell my son of his namesake's racist nickname?
August 7, 2013 9:03 AM Subscribe
My son will most likely at some point think he is Chinese. He is named after his great-grandfather. When and how should I explain to him that his great-grandfather's nickname was a racial-slur against Chinese people?
The Chink restaurant story made me realize that something I didn't really think deeply about could have some awful bad outcomes.
My son is named after my grandfather. My grandma and the whole family was very pleased about this decision. I thought it was great for my son because LuRay could be properly pronounced by both Chinese and English speakers and while not being common was also a not unheard of name in either context. Unfortunately, my grandfather was nicknamed with the racial term "chink". During most of my life while he was still alive I didn't really think anything about the name. I didn't even really realize it was a racial term until after he had died. Since I found out, the only reason I have heard given for this nickname was that he had squinty eyes: so given the time period I think it is surely racial.
My son is still pretty non-national, race, or ethnicity in identity (which I am hoping to try and get to persist), but due to his environment he does seem to be leaning towards Chinese. However, given geographic and temporal restrictions, I think that the possibility of his accidentally discovering his great grandpa's nickname is pretty low.
Currently I am of a mind to wait for it to come up and then let him know that Great-Grandpa would have very much loved to have a Chinese great grandson and that his great grandfather's inappropriate nickname is simply a product of an obsolete social system. That seems to be slowly but steadily getting better.
Should I be more pro-active and jump in and talk to him about it? What age might be a good time? He is five years old and hasn't really formed the concept of race yet, so I think it would just confuse him.
The Chink restaurant story made me realize that something I didn't really think deeply about could have some awful bad outcomes.
My son is named after my grandfather. My grandma and the whole family was very pleased about this decision. I thought it was great for my son because LuRay could be properly pronounced by both Chinese and English speakers and while not being common was also a not unheard of name in either context. Unfortunately, my grandfather was nicknamed with the racial term "chink". During most of my life while he was still alive I didn't really think anything about the name. I didn't even really realize it was a racial term until after he had died. Since I found out, the only reason I have heard given for this nickname was that he had squinty eyes: so given the time period I think it is surely racial.
My son is still pretty non-national, race, or ethnicity in identity (which I am hoping to try and get to persist), but due to his environment he does seem to be leaning towards Chinese. However, given geographic and temporal restrictions, I think that the possibility of his accidentally discovering his great grandpa's nickname is pretty low.
Currently I am of a mind to wait for it to come up and then let him know that Great-Grandpa would have very much loved to have a Chinese great grandson and that his great grandfather's inappropriate nickname is simply a product of an obsolete social system. That seems to be slowly but steadily getting better.
Should I be more pro-active and jump in and talk to him about it? What age might be a good time? He is five years old and hasn't really formed the concept of race yet, so I think it would just confuse him.
Best answer: I don't see any reason to tell him about it. If Cousin Earl says "Oh, you named him after Grandpa Chink," then you can explain to him that it's a bad word that people don't use anymore. Encourage him to think of Great-Grandpa LuRay.
And then privately talk to Cousin Earl and explain that you'd rather not hear that word around your son; that you're not saying Cousin Earl or your mutual grandfather or his friends are racists, but that times have changed, and we should change with them. If they keep in on it ("Hey, here comes Chink II -- oh, I'm so sorry to have brought up that horrible word."), then deal with them the way you would anyone who insists on calling your kid a bad name.
Eventually, he may find out independently. That's when you have the talk about how people used to be assholes.
posted by Etrigan at 9:13 AM on August 7, 2013 [12 favorites]
And then privately talk to Cousin Earl and explain that you'd rather not hear that word around your son; that you're not saying Cousin Earl or your mutual grandfather or his friends are racists, but that times have changed, and we should change with them. If they keep in on it ("Hey, here comes Chink II -- oh, I'm so sorry to have brought up that horrible word."), then deal with them the way you would anyone who insists on calling your kid a bad name.
Eventually, he may find out independently. That's when you have the talk about how people used to be assholes.
posted by Etrigan at 9:13 AM on August 7, 2013 [12 favorites]
If the chance of it coming up is low, then...I wouldn't bother. Especially if you say the concept of race would confuse him.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:14 AM on August 7, 2013
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:14 AM on August 7, 2013
Why would your grandfather's nickname ever come up? I'm named after a couple of male relatives and I have no idea what nicknames they may have had, if any.
posted by It's Never Lurgi at 9:14 AM on August 7, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by It's Never Lurgi at 9:14 AM on August 7, 2013 [1 favorite]
Handle this the same way you'd handle your kid finding out about any older relative's unflattering nickname. It'd be like finding out I was named after my grandfather Earl, and then realizing later on down the line that everyone who knew him called him Fuckstick. (Having heard a few stories about my grandpa, this wouldn't surprise me.)
"People called grandpa [such and such] as a nickname. It's not a nice nickname, but he was ok with his friends calling him that because friends joke around a lot. It's really not a word you should use, because it's not a nice word."
But really, I can't see ANY reason to bring this up to him unless he finds it out on his own somehow.
posted by phunniemee at 9:14 AM on August 7, 2013 [4 favorites]
"People called grandpa [such and such] as a nickname. It's not a nice nickname, but he was ok with his friends calling him that because friends joke around a lot. It's really not a word you should use, because it's not a nice word."
But really, I can't see ANY reason to bring this up to him unless he finds it out on his own somehow.
posted by phunniemee at 9:14 AM on August 7, 2013 [4 favorites]
It depends on how old he is. If he's an older kid, then show him the story and tell him about how at one time, it wasn't really seen as racist (I still hear some almond-eyed hispanic folks called 'Chino') Explain how his granddad had that as a nickname, just like the guy who owened the cheese-steak place.
It should be kind of a non-issue. You can explain, "It was sort of common back in the day, but now we see it as offensive."
I suspect that by the time you get to the end, he'll be bored though.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 9:14 AM on August 7, 2013 [1 favorite]
It should be kind of a non-issue. You can explain, "It was sort of common back in the day, but now we see it as offensive."
I suspect that by the time you get to the end, he'll be bored though.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 9:14 AM on August 7, 2013 [1 favorite]
If it comes up naturally, deal with it then. Explain that lots of people were called that a long time ago, but calling people that now is offensive and not allowed.
But geeze, there is no reason to pre-empt this. It may NEVER come up, so why create this drama?
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 9:19 AM on August 7, 2013 [1 favorite]
But geeze, there is no reason to pre-empt this. It may NEVER come up, so why create this drama?
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 9:19 AM on August 7, 2013 [1 favorite]
Tell him when he's older. It's part of your family history and it's part of our national history. I think this would be something he could understand more fully as a teen. It helps flesh out your grandfather and it underlines just how insensitive people can be. This is a valuable lesson.
posted by inturnaround at 9:51 AM on August 7, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by inturnaround at 9:51 AM on August 7, 2013 [1 favorite]
I have no idea whether any of my great-grandparents had offensive nicknames.
I, too, am named after a distant relative who passed away before I was born, and I know pretty much nothing about her.
It doesn't seem like the racist nickname flows from the name you gave your son in any way. Also, times are different now, so it's unlikely that he would just organically be given a nickname like that.
posted by Sara C. at 9:52 AM on August 7, 2013 [1 favorite]
I, too, am named after a distant relative who passed away before I was born, and I know pretty much nothing about her.
It doesn't seem like the racist nickname flows from the name you gave your son in any way. Also, times are different now, so it's unlikely that he would just organically be given a nickname like that.
posted by Sara C. at 9:52 AM on August 7, 2013 [1 favorite]
I have a great-grandfather whose nick-name began with "n" allegedly because of his curly hair.
I knew the word as a racial term before I heard it was his nick-name when I was 13 or so, so I sort of understood it as an example of white privilege that he was immune to the word's use as an insult. Yeah, that lesson probably would have been over my head when I was 5.
Can I presume from parts of your question that the boy is partly Chinese? I should hope that would help get your family's co-operation if you want to hold off on using this nick-name in front of him until he's old enough to understand. There are a lot of people who would dismiss your concerns as being "P.C." or something if it was just that there were Chinese people out there somewhere who would be offended, but if you're actually married to someone Chinese and your son is part Chinese that makes it concrete enough that even they would realize it would be an asshole move to insist on using this word over your attempt to protect your son.
posted by RobotHero at 10:45 AM on August 7, 2013
I knew the word as a racial term before I heard it was his nick-name when I was 13 or so, so I sort of understood it as an example of white privilege that he was immune to the word's use as an insult. Yeah, that lesson probably would have been over my head when I was 5.
Can I presume from parts of your question that the boy is partly Chinese? I should hope that would help get your family's co-operation if you want to hold off on using this nick-name in front of him until he's old enough to understand. There are a lot of people who would dismiss your concerns as being "P.C." or something if it was just that there were Chinese people out there somewhere who would be offended, but if you're actually married to someone Chinese and your son is part Chinese that makes it concrete enough that even they would realize it would be an asshole move to insist on using this word over your attempt to protect your son.
posted by RobotHero at 10:45 AM on August 7, 2013
You can tell him he's named after a car. The Fiat 500 is called a Chink, short for cinquecento or 500 in Italian.
posted by PJMoore at 11:01 AM on August 7, 2013
posted by PJMoore at 11:01 AM on August 7, 2013
One of my sons is named after his great-grandfather. He died a decade before my son was born. My son, now 7, has never exhibited the slightest curiosity about his namesake, perhaps because such information might crowd out the valuable brain space he devotes to Legos, etc. There is every reason to think it will never come up.
posted by Mr. Justice at 11:16 AM on August 7, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by Mr. Justice at 11:16 AM on August 7, 2013 [2 favorites]
Nicknames (other than just the normal shortening of longer names to a single syllable) don't really go with the name, they go with the person. At most, I would say just briefly explain the context if it ever comes up and your son appears confused.
Most importantly, don't make a big deal out of moralizing it. Brush it off as an inconsequential bit of trivia about Grandpa, and it goes away; spend fifteen minutes explaining the history of Chinese immigration to the US and the use of racial slurs to minimize their dignity, and you'll either have a kid pissed off at you for giving him that name, or (depending on his age when he learns this), he'll adopt the name for himself just to taunt you.
posted by pla at 11:20 AM on August 7, 2013 [1 favorite]
Most importantly, don't make a big deal out of moralizing it. Brush it off as an inconsequential bit of trivia about Grandpa, and it goes away; spend fifteen minutes explaining the history of Chinese immigration to the US and the use of racial slurs to minimize their dignity, and you'll either have a kid pissed off at you for giving him that name, or (depending on his age when he learns this), he'll adopt the name for himself just to taunt you.
posted by pla at 11:20 AM on August 7, 2013 [1 favorite]
He is five years old and hasn't really formed the concept of race yet
Kids are extremely adept at picking up cues and context from their environment. Assuming his environment is "somewhere in the United States," I guarantee you he has begun to notice things about the way people who look different are treated, regarded, referred to, etc., even if he doesn't yet have the vocabulary to express his impressions. More so if he's a racial minority.
I'm not saying you need to make this into a Big Deal, but even at 5 years of age, your son is forming his own understanding of the world--an understanding that is not wholly dependent on the explanations he receives from his parents.
posted by duffell at 1:55 PM on August 7, 2013 [2 favorites]
Kids are extremely adept at picking up cues and context from their environment. Assuming his environment is "somewhere in the United States," I guarantee you he has begun to notice things about the way people who look different are treated, regarded, referred to, etc., even if he doesn't yet have the vocabulary to express his impressions. More so if he's a racial minority.
I'm not saying you need to make this into a Big Deal, but even at 5 years of age, your son is forming his own understanding of the world--an understanding that is not wholly dependent on the explanations he receives from his parents.
posted by duffell at 1:55 PM on August 7, 2013 [2 favorites]
nthing duffell. Your children would probably be fine if they stay in China and look similar to the other kids. No point opening that box until you have to.
All bets are off however if you want to move back to the west where they would be in the minority.
Another issue is how do your relatives feel about interracial marriage? Children are very perceptive and will sense the tension in the air even if nothing is said. If you know of relatives that aren't onboard and will call him by the nickname that you dread, then having the talk would be better as you'd be able to control the message more.
posted by magic_skyjuice at 6:09 PM on August 7, 2013
All bets are off however if you want to move back to the west where they would be in the minority.
Another issue is how do your relatives feel about interracial marriage? Children are very perceptive and will sense the tension in the air even if nothing is said. If you know of relatives that aren't onboard and will call him by the nickname that you dread, then having the talk would be better as you'd be able to control the message more.
posted by magic_skyjuice at 6:09 PM on August 7, 2013
All bets are off however if you want to move back to the west where they would be in the minority.
I can't speak for the rest of the "west", but in the United States I have a hard time seeing anyone giving a racial slur nickname to a child. As, like, just what they were called, a la Bud or Katie or R.J. And I grew up in the rural south where people are pretty openly racist.
posted by Sara C. at 7:38 PM on August 7, 2013
I can't speak for the rest of the "west", but in the United States I have a hard time seeing anyone giving a racial slur nickname to a child. As, like, just what they were called, a la Bud or Katie or R.J. And I grew up in the rural south where people are pretty openly racist.
posted by Sara C. at 7:38 PM on August 7, 2013
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posted by theichibun at 9:12 AM on August 7, 2013 [21 favorites]