sorry's not good enough.
August 5, 2013 10:12 AM   Subscribe

I hired a friend to provide services at an event. The event was cancelled due to circumstances that were completely beyond my control -- it was a decision made several proverbial ladder rungs above my head, and there was absolutely nothing I could do to change or reverse it. I was given under a week's notice. In an attempt to rectify the situation as best as I could manage, I sincerely apologized to my friend and paid them in full for the services they would have provided if the event had not been cancelled, with a bit extra on top to make up for the short notice and inconvenience. They very pointedly did not accept any part of the apology, implied that I was simply trying to weasel out of the original agreement, and mailed me back half the money. What now?

After I notified them of the cancellation, my friend went completely silent for a week, then sent me an excoriating and witheringly detailed email listing all of the work they had done in preparation for the event, along with photos, and mourning the fact that it had all been done for naught. They also mailed me a money order for exactly half of the amount I had sent them, which was ~25% more than the amount we had originally agreed upon and inclusive of every single cent I could remotely afford. I had to completely empty my savings account to add to the bottom line and still felt it was not enough, but there is literally nowhere else I could have gotten more money unless I took out a cash advance or payday loan, neither of which seemed like a wise decision. Would more money have fixed this?

The only acceptable result of being forced to cancel on such short notice is to pay in full as though everything had gone according to plan. I do not want any money back at all, and honestly do not know what inspired them to send half of it back. Any financial struggle on my end has remained completely and totally invisible to them for the duration of our years-long friendship, so I am confident that they weren't just returning half of the money because they think I'm hurting for it and they aren't.
In addition, I made it very clear that I knew they had been spending time preparing in advance of the event and that they must be remunerated accordingly even though the event was not happening. I made sure that they had more than what they would have had if the event had not been cancelled. I told them that if there was absolutely anything else I needed to do in order to make them "whole" beside pay them and apologize, I would do it in a heartbeat with no questions asked, but received only a volley of seething resentment in return.

The event cancellation has had many far-reaching and long-lasting negative effects on my life well outside the boundaries of this friendship, but my #1 concern was making sure my friend would not be materially affected or left in the lurch. I couldn't bear fucking them over just because I'd been fucked over; I tried my best to insulate them from the cancellation as much as possible. I explained all of these points in detail while making absolutely no excuses, but my friend did not acknowledge any of them, handwaving it all away as "drama," and addressing me as though I had cancelled the event of my own volition and on a complete lark. They have not spoken to me since.

To get this out of the way: I know you're not supposed to do business with friends! I do! However, I have done business with this friend before and everything has always gone perfectly, so I was very confident that this would go the same way. We have never had a single fight or even a disagreement until now; if they have been unhappy with me for a long time and have just been waiting to cut me off permanently, they have gone to very great lengths to hide it.
I genuinely, if erroneously, believed that apologizing repeatedly and immediately paying in full -- no "friend" discount, only standard rates -- mere moments after I received word of the cancellation would be the best step to take to ensure that no ill will would linger between us. That is not how it turned out, and I am wracking my brain to find a way to try to either take additional steps to rectify it or suck it up and move on.

I have accepted full responsibility for the cancellation, repeatedly and honestly apologized, and paid more than in full, only to have it all thrown back in my face with a dose of rather shocking vitriol. Is there a way to come back from the brink when a longtime friend refuses to accept your most sincere apologies? Is there anything I can do that I haven't already done? I'm really beating myself up over this because I know there must have been something I could have done to make it OK, or at least less horrible, but I have no idea what it is, so it feels very much like a severe personal failing. I should have known better, but I can't pinpoint what "better" would even look like.

There is no question that I will be returning the money, but I'm not sure how to do so -- will they be able to cash the money order even though they made it out to me, or do I need to cash it and cut them another money order to return it? What if they send it back again? Do I keep apologizing, or just let it drop and accept the fact that a person I had long considered to be a wonderful friend may never speak to me again? How do I come to terms with the fact that I have done something that seems to be truly unforgivable?

Any advice would be deeply appreciated. Thank you for your wisdom and insight, MeFi.
posted by divined by radio to Human Relations (100 answers total) 5 users marked this as a favorite
 
You did everything right and your friend is being a petulant baby. I would respond calmly and professionally, regretting the inconvenience once more, saying that you would have been happy to pay in full for the cancelled service, and leave it there. Keep the money, the friendship sounds doomed.
posted by yogalemon at 10:17 AM on August 5, 2013 [107 favorites]


Your friend is insane. Drop it.
posted by thelonius at 10:18 AM on August 5, 2013 [48 favorites]


That's... sort of nuts. It's nuts that you paid them extra for not having to finish (paying them in full is, if what the contract stipulated at that point, way more than enough. A little confused how "the hassle" of stopping preparing a week early earned them an extra 25%, though). Do NOT try to get this money back to them, though. You did what you should have done. You (I assume?) explained why it got canceled, apologized, and paid them for their work (hopefully you have a record of having done this -- receipts or something). They have now chosen to give you some money back. KEEP IT. Stop responding. It's over now.
posted by brainmouse at 10:18 AM on August 5, 2013 [21 favorites]


This "friend" sounds like a total jerk. This is not your fault. You did the right thing; keep the money.
posted by sevensnowflakes at 10:18 AM on August 5, 2013 [3 favorites]


To be honest, I do not understand your friend's actions: event cancellations happen, and you paid them more than required (and you would presumably provide client testimonials etc. given your past history.) Keep the money. In the future, I would make sure that there is a signed contract agreed on by both you and your vendors, friends or not, that includes a detailed cancellation clause.
posted by jetlagaddict at 10:19 AM on August 5, 2013 [3 favorites]


I would stop responding. I have been in your friend's position, and I got zero. I would have been thrilled beyond belief with your efforts. You did what you could. I suspect the unworded question here is also "why did Friend do this?!?" but I have no answers for you. I wish I did, because it sounds like you're hurting.
posted by RogueTech at 10:20 AM on August 5, 2013 [11 favorites]


Your friend sounds like a complete and utter jackass. It's sad when someone you are close to suddenly reveals unpleasant true colors like this, but there's nothing you can do.

Offering to pay for services in full was the correct choice on your part; it's unfortunate that your friend feels he/she committed effort to something and then it didn't happen, but...what the hell? Shit happens, your friend WAS out zero dollars until he/she decided to be a petulant asshole and send back half the money, everything should have been right as rain.

Keep the money, drop the friendship.
posted by like_a_friend at 10:20 AM on August 5, 2013 [2 favorites]


You've gone well beyond what would be expected in a situation like this, even a purely business one. It sucks that they're reacting this way but it really sounds like there was nothing you could have done differently. I'd keep the money and write off this person as a jerk (which, given your history, will be painful but probably for the best in the long run). Think about it this way - you deserve AT THE VERY LEAST the treatment that a regular paying customer should get, and if this is how they react to their customers then they don't deserve any future business. Acting this way towards a friend is just beyond the pale.
posted by brilliantine at 10:21 AM on August 5, 2013


Cuckoo! Keep the money and forget about this crazy person.
posted by HotToddy at 10:21 AM on August 5, 2013 [1 favorite]


Show them this AskMe and the responses.
posted by lalochezia at 10:21 AM on August 5, 2013 [4 favorites]


It's time for you to get up off your knees. Deposit the money order into your account, and drop the "friendship."
posted by Houstonian at 10:21 AM on August 5, 2013 [9 favorites]


I have to agree with the above posters. I don't really understand why the friend is so upset. He got paid as if he did the event. Yeah stuff happens and the work was for naught...but he got paid. If he did lots of prep and didn't get paid in full I could understand being angry, but... he got paid. Honestly I don't get it.

You've done more then enough. It sounds like this friend has some sort of other issues that are likely nothing you can do anything about.
posted by Jalliah at 10:21 AM on August 5, 2013 [5 favorites]


You went above and beyond in providing more than the expected payment. Your friend is being a jackass and a child. There is no reason for you to grovel for forgiveness here, as you have behaved rationally, politely, and generously.

A money order is already money itself. If you don't deposit it, that money will still be lost to the "friend". I suppose you could turn it around on them and mail them a new money order for the same amount? If you send a personal check they can just refuse to cash it.
posted by elizardbits at 10:23 AM on August 5, 2013 [2 favorites]


I'm not going to join the chorus telling you your friend is insane (seems like he is, though). Your friend's biggest problem is that he is unprofessional. The work you contracted with him was a business arrangement, and your friend lost sight of that and somehow got his ego caught up into the act not of being paid for services rendered and/or professionally fulfilling a contract, but somehow that the opportunity to do the work was something you "stole" from him-- even though your friend got paid!

There's nothing you can do-- do not expect professional behavior from someone who's unprofessional.
posted by deanc at 10:23 AM on August 5, 2013 [13 favorites]


This makes no sense! I can't imagine what has disappointed your friend.

Was it a booth at a craft fair where there's an anticipated loss of potential revenue?

Screw it, it's out of your control. Deposit the money order and leave this 'friend' in the dust.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 10:24 AM on August 5, 2013 [3 favorites]


Reading between the lines, was this a wedding that was called off? Is the "friend" taking sides against you, maybe?

This is not a "friendship" worth preserving and if you are in an emotionally difficult situation besides, the last thing you need to do is drain your own bank accounts to try to mend it. Do not return the money. Take it and try to move on.
posted by payoto at 10:26 AM on August 5, 2013 [1 favorite]


Be glad your friend has shown herself to be insane and unreasonable while also sending you back the money you couldn't really afford to lose. Now you get to keep some of your savings and lose your jackass of a friend, and you are much, much better off.
posted by jacquilynne at 10:26 AM on August 5, 2013 [2 favorites]


Your friend is ungraciously and unprofessionally throwing a protracted tantrum, and trying to force you to take ownership for his/her spiteful, emotionally stunted response. So far, they're succeeding, no doubt because it is such a shock to see someone behaving so atrociously that it may seem natural to assume all this really is your fault or is somehow in your control.

But it's not. This has nothing to do with you or anything you've done. They are showing you a very ugly side of themselves, and it's naturally painful and bewildering to see that in someone you thought you knew better. But you have gone above and beyond the call of duty here. Keep the money, say goodbye to your friendship (you may have to take some time to grieve its loss), and remove this person's troubles from your shoulders.
posted by scody at 10:26 AM on August 5, 2013 [9 favorites]


This sounds like internet-person drama. Your friend is being unreasonable; they got paid for a service they did not have to fully provide. That is what money is for, really, to help smooth over these occasional crappy things that happen. I'd cash the money order and consider it hassle pay for having to deal with someone who is being this unprofessional. I am sorry this happened. Do not reply to them, respond to any further harassment with "I consider this matter settled. I am sorry the resolution was not satisfactory, but this is no longer an open discussion."
posted by jessamyn at 10:30 AM on August 5, 2013 [11 favorites]


Was the friend expecting to make a significant commission on top of the fee? Was the fee you paid small in comparison to the expected commission? I mean, that wouldn't make your friend's reaction right, but at least it would make it seem less completely insane.
posted by hazyjane at 10:30 AM on August 5, 2013 [1 favorite]


I was simply trying to weasel out of the original agreement

How could you possibly be trying to "weasel" out of something if you paid them?

my friend went completely silent for a week, then sent me an excoriating and witheringly detailed email listing all of the work they had done in preparation for the event, along with photos, and mourning the fact that it had all been done for naught.

Except you still paid them. This isn't extra work; they would have had to still do it if the even occured; it would only be a waste of their time if you didn't make them whole. Which you did and then some.

There is no question that I will be returning the money

No, they threw a temper tantrum and they can live with it. You handed this person a gig and they decided to be a child.

Cut ties with this crazy person.
posted by spaltavian at 10:31 AM on August 5, 2013 [7 favorites]


After I notified them of the cancellation, my friend went completely silent for a week, then sent me an excoriating and witheringly detailed email listing all of the work they had done in preparation for the event, along with photos, and mourning the fact that it had all been done for naught.

No, it was all done for money. Which your friend got. He or she is being ridiculous at this point -- shit happens, and if you didn't have a formal contract outlining what each party would be owed in the case of cancellation, then you were being a good friend in paying anything.

So what do you do now? Let them go radio silent for a while. A month or two, no attempts to contact, no cashing of the money order, no nothing on your part. And eventually, if you hear nothing, a couple of weeks before the money order expires, you drop them a note saying, "Hey, I still have this money order. I really don't want to cash it, but if I just rip it up, you're out the money anyway. What do you want me to do with it?"

And then go from there. If, after a cooling-off period, they decide they're still going to be (frankly) a dickhead about this, then cash the money order and let it go.

How do I come to terms with the fact that I have done something that seems to be truly unforgivable?

You weren't at fault. Don't pick that stone up. It's not your stone.
posted by Etrigan at 10:31 AM on August 5, 2013 [5 favorites]


Before you just take the advice of the first like 15 answers and wrap this thing up, could you give us a bit of a clue as to what kind of event this was and what kind of service would have been provided? Because I think by the level of detail you have provided, you have engineered this question to get precisely that kind of answer, whether you meant to or not. Of course in the general case if someone is hired to provide a service at an event, and the event gets cancelled due to factors beyond your control, they should be happy to get paid anyway and an apology should more than cover it.

The fact that your friend didn't take it at all gracefully leads me to believe either he/she is a jackass, OR this event was super-important for some other reason, like networking, portfolio development, or whatever else. Could it be the latter? could you at least give us a clue? Because if this was supposed to be, like, a major art installation, the person could be genuinely hurt by the removal of an opportunity to get their name and work out there. If there is something like that, we might be able to give you better advice.
posted by Joey Buttafoucault at 10:33 AM on August 5, 2013 [14 favorites]


Something went wrong that was out of your control, so you did everything you could to try to not make it a problem for someone else. And then that other person decided to shit on you for it.

Yeah, you're not the bad person here.

Quit apologising and walk away from this person who used to be your friend. They might have been the most amazing person ever in the past, but as of this incident, they aren't that any more. Don't engage the crazy, which is what this person's actions amount to.

At least you got out of this with half of your money.
posted by Solomon at 10:34 AM on August 5, 2013


Response by poster: Wow! Simply having the money order inside my house has been making me feel shaky and sick to my stomach 24/7, and it came in the mail just a couple of days ago; I had no idea that the general consensus would be to keep it outright. Having it in my possession has felt like holding kryptonite in an envelope. I don't think I would feel OK depositing it.

To clarify, I tacked the extra 25% onto the agreed-upon amount in an attempt to address the prospect of missed networking opportunities -- they would not have been present at the event themselves, but their work would have been displayed to ~200 people and their business cards would have been handed out to anyone interested in hiring them (although it was not a craft fair or anything like that). I thought that was a good amount to make up for any possible loss of potential new customers.

Thanks for your thoughts, everyone.
posted by divined by radio at 10:34 AM on August 5, 2013 [2 favorites]


Response by poster: The event was a party. The friend is a caterer.
posted by divined by radio at 10:36 AM on August 5, 2013 [1 favorite]


Seriously, deposit the damn check. Don't let this horrible person make things any worse for you than they already have.
posted by ominous_paws at 10:37 AM on August 5, 2013 [15 favorites]


I'm really beating myself up over this because I know there must have been something I could have done to make it OK, or at least less horrible, but I have no idea what it is, so it feels very much like a severe personal failing. I should have known better, but I can't pinpoint what "better" would even look like.

You apologized and paid out of your own pocket to make sure your friend was compensated. The decision to cancel the event was not yours. Stop beating yourself up. You went above and beyond what was required of you. You have been a good friend, but your friend has not.

Sure, it can be frustrating to do a bunch of work on a project that is ultimately canceled, but that sort of thing happens to professionals on occasion. Projects change, events get cancelled, and clients can change their minds. Shit happens. If your friend can't handle that, they should find a different line of work.
posted by Area Man at 10:38 AM on August 5, 2013 [1 favorite]


So it seems your friend is really offended by the lost opportunity for further business. That does suck, if they're trying to get a catering business off the ground, but it's still more than fair to pay them the full amount + a bit extra. They're being unreasonable. Drop them.
posted by jzb at 10:38 AM on August 5, 2013


Are we missing part of the story? Were they personally invested in the event (like, was it the bride and you cancelled a week before?). Were their benfits like networking or exposure? Can those be addressed? I would let your friend cool off for a while.
posted by saucysault at 10:40 AM on August 5, 2013 [3 favorites]


How do I come to terms with the fact that I have done something that seems to be truly unforgivable?

Oh yeah, I wanted to respond to this. I would gently suggest that you stop framing this situation in such an intense, judgmental, highly charged and ultimately wildly unrealistic way. Let's be very, very clear here: you didn't murder someone and frame someone else for the deed. You didn't cheat someone out of their home. You didn't rob a cancer patient of their savings. Nobody died, nobody got hurt, there is no great miscarriage of justice that occurred.

A party got cancelled and your friend, the caterer, got paid anyway. That's it. To frame this as "something truly unforgivable" is -- again, I say this gently -- completely unrealistic and inappropriate, and itself may be the source of a great deal of your distress.
posted by scody at 10:40 AM on August 5, 2013 [64 favorites]


It seems more like your friend is a total moron because with their unreasonable response to a normal nonremarkable issue, their temper tantrum over potential lost business has, in effect, lost them even more business because you are certainly not going to want to do business with them again, nor will you want to recommend them to anyone else in case something similar happens again. Write this irrational person off and be glad for it.
posted by elizardbits at 10:41 AM on August 5, 2013 [29 favorites]


So your friend thinks you cancelled the event to weasel out of an agreement with him/her to fulfill a single function at the event. Your friend is a narcissist.

You owed your friend any money stipulated in your contract based on the timing of the cancellation. You certainly did not owe 25% extra for lost networking opportunities. That's just insane. The fact that your friend blew up at you after you paid them more than they'd have earned if they'd completed their service is just mind blowing.

Run. Far away.
posted by rocketpup at 10:43 AM on August 5, 2013 [18 favorites]


Your friend is being very unprofessional, and it bodes poorly for her future success in catering.

I am currently planning an event, and most of our vendors require a non-refundable deposit, but will if the event were to be cancelled, most would not be paid in full. That's pretty typical, especially for a caterer - who would not need to actually purchase & prepare the food if given a week's notice.

The typical/professional thing to do is to pay the deposit only; if you don't have a contract, that would typically be something like 25% - 50% of the full cost.

It was very generous of you to offer to pay the full amount. It was completely unnecessary to offer to may more than the full amount. Please don't give back the 50% they returned - keep it.
posted by insectosaurus at 10:43 AM on August 5, 2013 [9 favorites]


I tacked the extra 25% onto the agreed-upon amount in an attempt to address the prospect of missed networking opportunities

While that's disappointing, a professional understands that a contract is done for money. The party got canceled, and your friend got paid in fulfillment of the contract. An experienced professional would have chalked it up to the way things go, pocketed the money, and tried to figure out how the preparation work could be applied to another contract your friend had.

If your friend wants networking opportunities, she can use the money to throw her own party that she caters herself and can hand out business cards to the guests.

If this ever happens again, though, I will be perfectly willing to accept money from you in exchange for not having to cater a party, and I will not give you the least bit of grief over it.
posted by deanc at 10:44 AM on August 5, 2013 [7 favorites]


Also, don't every do anything remotely like business with this person again. For some reason, they aren't capable of handling situations like this in a businesslike manner. Things go wrong sometimes, especially when involving other people, and the sooner a person internalises that the better. Yeah, it sucks that they lost business, but if they're going to go into catering, then they need, for the sake of their business, to grasp the concept that shit will indeed go down on occasion.

If the reason you're reacting so strongly to this situation is because of the extent of your former friend's reaction, please know that their behaviour is wildly unacceptable. Also, what is up with sending half of the money back? That's such a weird thing to do, as presumably they're upset at the loss of earnings? Their handling of this situation is most odd.
posted by Solomon at 10:45 AM on August 5, 2013 [4 favorites]


Also, I understand your reaction-- when someone freaks out like this, your natural reaction is to assume you did something wrong simply because you're thinking that no one would act that way if you hadn't harmed them in some way, right? But sometimes it's not your fault at all, and their reaction has everything to do with them and nothing to do with you.
posted by deanc at 10:47 AM on August 5, 2013 [17 favorites]


That's such a weird thing to do, as presumably they're upset at the loss of earnings?

They're playing the martyr and will likely use this as a "SEE WHAT A GOOD PERSON I AM" talking point when whining about how hard their life is. This is far more valuable to this person than money is.
posted by elizardbits at 10:47 AM on August 5, 2013 [21 favorites]


Can you tell us anything, at all, that would make some sense of the friends' response? Because if there's nothing more to this than what you describe in the original post then your friend just had a mental breakdown. Is there some detail missing that would explain your friend's deep sense of disappointment at the fact that the event didn't go forward? Were some of the guests people the friend desperately hoped to impress, perhaps? If there is anything you could tell us that would explain the friend's actions more fully it might help us give you some useful advice. As things stands, all one can hope is that the friend gets professional help.
posted by yoink at 10:48 AM on August 5, 2013 [5 favorites]


You went out of your way to say that your friend is not normally like this, so I'm going to give them the benefit of the doubt. But I'm wondering, like saucysault suggested, if there was something bigger (beyond networking) riding on this than your friend is letting on.

Keep the money. Let your friend cool off for a bit and let take the lead on reconnecting with you. I think that after a little time they'll realize that they overreacted.

Do not do business with them again.
posted by troika at 10:48 AM on August 5, 2013 [2 favorites]


So wait, you didn't choose to cancel it, someone "up the ladder" chose to cancel it? Why are you on the hook financially for this? If the people up the ladder are refusing to pay any compensation to your friend, it's certainly virtuous of you to pay out of your pocket, and if that's something you feel you should do, why then you should go ahead. But you should not feel that you personally are morally liable - you are paying your friend out of friendship. Your organization is liable. The people who made the decision are liable. You are doing what you can to be kind to another person. And as such, you shouldn't feel bad about any outcome. You didn't choose to cancel this.

Also, as I'm sure someone will/has point/pointed out - if your organization is volatile like this, your vendors need to be given contracts laying out cancellation compensation. Your friend certainly deserves to be compensated, but your organization is terribly dysfunctional and irresponsible if they expect this to come out of your personal pocket. I have never heard of such a thing, and I've been part of some dysfunctional groups.
posted by Frowner at 10:52 AM on August 5, 2013 [42 favorites]


Is there any way in which they were doing a favour for you? Had they been planning to charge friend-rates and said no to something more important (networing-wise) the same weekend?

If someone else cancelled the party, why is that someone else not paying the cancellation fee? What did the contract call for?

In any case I think you should take the money back and chalk it up to something in your friend's life that you don't know the details of.
posted by jeather at 10:53 AM on August 5, 2013 [2 favorites]


Explaining all the points sometimes sends out the wrong signal, as does over-apologizing for stuff that wasn't your fault. But that's nothing to worry about, because in principle you did the right thing.

I personally would in fact send this person another short message, saying,

"I fear I have not made myself clear in my previous communication. It would be great if you could accept as a fact, that canceling this event was a decision made several ladder rungs above my head, and there was absolutely nothing I could do to change or reverse it."

I then would keep the money but set it aside for a while so it would be available if something would turn even more sour. I would also not contact this person again, ever.

More money would not have solved this, no. This person seems to like making you hurt, and he/she also seems to want to demonstrate that it's about the principle and not about the money. Not a friend, I fear. Not a friend at all.
posted by Namlit at 10:56 AM on August 5, 2013 [4 favorites]


Your friend is behaving like an unprofessional crazyperson. You went above and beyond to try and smooth things over, so I say you keep the money they returned.

I could see your friend being upset if they had the potential to book a larger paying client for the same night, and turned it down to do your event instead. However, that's not your problem, or your fault--and your friend's reaction would still be crazy.
posted by inertia at 10:58 AM on August 5, 2013


I don't think I would feel OK depositing it.

Please do. This person returned this amount to you; they do not want it. If you don't deposit it, you are quite literally throwing money away, since this is part of the money you gave your "friend". They likely returned this amount to you because their standard deposit is usually 50%.

Allow me to reiterate what many people have already said: you are not at fault here. You did not do anything wrong. You already went above and beyond what any reasonable person would expect. This friend is behaving like a complete nutjob and you should deposit the money order and stop contacting them.
posted by bedhead at 11:00 AM on August 5, 2013 [5 favorites]


Please deposit the money. You did your due diligence (and way beyond!) it sounds like to me. (Seriously, way beyond)

Depositing or not depositing the money will not, in any form or fashion, influence your friend (or ex friend, most likely) It will, however, make a significant difference in your future. You can deposit it.
posted by Jacen at 11:04 AM on August 5, 2013 [1 favorite]


(I just want to add that your organization - or family, or friend group, or whomever - is letting you down by refusing to be responsible for the harm that they've done. Even if this is something like "my sister was getting married and found out that her fiancee is actually a heroin-dealing bigamist" and the "organization" is actually your parents, they are still letting you the hell down. If these people are not your employers, you should re-evaluate your involvement with their future projects.)
posted by Frowner at 11:08 AM on August 5, 2013 [9 favorites]


If you paid the money out of your own pocket, then keep it. If it was paid for by your company or other people (you mention people being higher up than you, so I am assuming you are working for them) return the money to them with a short but truthful "The caterer thought the lesser amount was fine" and then move on.

As a point of interest, I have 3 chefs in my family, I have come to the conclusion all chefs/caterers are completely all nuts and prone to over dramatic temper tantrums like this. At a function one once swept an entire stack of expensive china on the floor because he did not like how the waitress scraped a plate. Another one ran from the kitchen and all but stabbed a chefs knife in the table in front of a customer when he complained his steak was chewy.
posted by wwax at 11:09 AM on August 5, 2013 [1 favorite]


Ordinarily I would not bother answering, since I would be repeating what just about everyone has said, but since you seem to be having a very hard time with this, perhaps another voice will add to the consensus in a useful way: you did nothing wrong, you owe your "friend" (now, I hope, ex-) nothing more, and you would, as bedhead said, literally be throwing money away if you insisted on returning the money order. You have allowed yourself to be manipulated into a very unhealthy perspective, and you need to reorient yourself; hopefully this thread, plus time, will allow you to do that.

You did nothing wrong. You owe nothing more.
posted by languagehat at 11:09 AM on August 5, 2013 [7 favorites]


There is something really bothering me about your story, OP. It is very high drama, and I'm wondering if how you explained the cancellation to your friend came across that way because you seem to be extremely, personally invested in this event -- which my initial impression was a business event.

I'm not at all suggesting that your friend's unprofessional and ungracious response is right. I'm just wondering if you set a rather unfortunate tone in your dealings with this person and it's been echoed back.

Please cash the money order and call it a day.
posted by sm1tten at 11:11 AM on August 5, 2013 [3 favorites]


It always helps me to remember when people react with an over-the-top/angry outburst that it is often not about your situation at all.

They might have something else going on in their lives. Furthermore, they're the one dealing with the situation poorly. It takes me stepping back a little to realize this, but it's helpful to me.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 11:11 AM on August 5, 2013 [2 favorites]


Please deposit the money. In any reasonably professional situation, it's unlikely you would have had to pay the full amount, let alone more than the full amount. It's probable that the amount of money your friend kept is just about what they would have contracted as a cancellation fee/non-refundable deposit.

You're not responsible for your friend's networking opportunities. Events get cancelled all the time. Service industry people need to get used to that, and to create contracts that protect them financially as much as possible -- which generally means some sort of 25-50% non-refundable deposit.

You've fulfilled your side of this professional relationship. By apologizing too much and over-paying, you're setting yourself up as somehow more responsible than you actually are. Depositing the check is the right way to move this disagreement back into the realm of professional interaction. Which the money part of it is.

The friendship fallout that you describe sounds highly bizarre, and that's not an issue that money can or should solve.
posted by jaguar at 11:12 AM on August 5, 2013


The event was a party. The friend is a caterer.

I recently coordinated an event for 125 people. The caterers didn't need the actual headcount & meal choices until 3 days before the event. That's when they order the bulk of the food - the perishable stuff like fruits, veggies, meats. So your friend may have done a great deal of prep work and ordered staple ingredients, but that's why they get to keep the deposit.

Anything else should keep (flour, butter, etc). They got paid to order it for your event and they get to use it for someone else's! Win/win. Everything else is SUNK. Sunk costs, sunk efforts. They would have done all this work anyway, plus MUCH MORE work if the actual wedding had taken place.

This is SO unprofessional on the part of your friend - please forget about this awful person & give yourself a break.
posted by peep at 11:16 AM on August 5, 2013 [4 favorites]


I told them that if there was absolutely anything else I needed to do in order to make them "whole" beside pay them and apologize, I would do it in a heartbeat with no questions asked, but received only a volley of seething resentment in return.

What exactly did your friend say?

As it is, it sounds like your friend went completely insane for no reason, despite being paid in more than full for their time and effort and despite the fact that this decision was not yours. If that's the case and there's really nothing else going on here, then you should deposit the money order and not talk to this person anymore, because they're crazy. Maybe the pressure of doing all this work made them a little twitchy and then they took it out on you. Who knows. Either way, cut and run.

But for whatever reason, I'm getting the sense that there's more to this story. That isn't to say that you're in the wrong here, just that I'm wondering if more details might illuminate a little and make your friend seem a little less insane.

So, I guess here are my questions:

As above, what exactly did your friend say? Feel free to remove any identifying info.

Was the party a work function? Was it a party a person was organizing and you wound up in charge of getting a caterer? Basically, where do you fit into the hierarchy of The People Responsible for This Party? Who canceled it, and why?

I understand that you haven't had fights or disagreements before, but is there anything in your shared history - or anything in your or their respective history either person would be aware of - that would help make sense of their complete disbelief of your story? Have you had to deal with abrupt event cancellations before?
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 11:17 AM on August 5, 2013 [3 favorites]


You emptied your own saving to compensate them for a decision that was out of your hands? And you added a 25% premium for lost networking opportunities? You've already gone far, far beyond industry norms at the expense of your own financial security.

Your "friend" is acting in a way that is 100% unprofessional and unacceptable. If they try this kind of behavior on a non-friend client, they'll quickly find themselves blacklisted.

Take the money and put it back into your savings. Also, be clear that it's your "friend" who has behaved unacceptably, not you.
posted by quince at 11:17 AM on August 5, 2013 [3 favorites]


I would not want this type of person for a friend. They owe you a complete grovelling apology.

((((hugs))))
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 11:18 AM on August 5, 2013 [2 favorites]


The technical term for getting paid in full, in advance, without having to do the work, and then complaining about it is "cuckoobananapants."
posted by The Underpants Monster at 11:18 AM on August 5, 2013 [21 favorites]


I apologize in advance if I'm reading too much into your words, but the only thing I can think of that comes close to this whole situation is a wedding cancelled to (reasons), where your friend clearly does not approve of (reasons) and is trying to punish you.

Even with that imagination on my part, your friend is STILL way out of line. First, as said above, caterers have contracts that cover cancellations because things like this have happened before. It's a basic business deal. That much should be simple enough.

As far as friendships go, your friend is STILL way out of line. But is no longer your friend, for reasons that should be obvious, so ... live and learn to avoid people like this.

Keep the money, call it a day.
posted by Dashy at 11:19 AM on August 5, 2013 [1 favorite]


The "refund" is a clear sign that this is a crazy person.

If he had lost money (for example, had been supplying you under his cost in order to promote himself, or turned down a better-paying job in order to do your party) he would have kept what you paid him.

Anyone in the event services business faces cancellations ALL THE TIME. They collect deposits and have contracts with penalties for this reason. Everything about their purchasing (food, liquor, equipment rental, waiter and bartender hiring) has a risk of cancellation built into it.
posted by MattD at 11:19 AM on August 5, 2013


I don't think I would feel OK depositing it.

Just to say again: if it is a money order and not a check, then your ex-friend already gave away the money to get the money order. They don't have it any more. So you refusing to deposit the money order doesn't gain anyone anything. Then the money order company keeps the money. What would be the point of that?
posted by anastasiav at 11:21 AM on August 5, 2013 [13 favorites]


The monetary arrangement is a purely business one, and you deserve to keep the money returned to you. Period. This would be fair under any and all circumstances: a reasonable cancellation fee imposed by a reasonable caterer, or an unreasonable and hysterical reaction produced by an unprofessional caterer.

As to the friendship, which is totally different from the business side, you must know that this is because of something in his or her life that was simply triggered by your cancellation. You may never know what it was, but we all assure you that it wasn't your actions. A breakup? A family death? A cancer diagnosis? Probably your friend is thrashing out at more people than just you, or maybe you caught the brunt of it. But it has absolutely nothing to do with the cancellation per se and everything to do with the timing.

You may wish to extend some compassion to this friend, because s/he is clearly going through a really tough time. Or you may wish to cut off all ties to a person who is incapable of being honest and civil. Or you may wish to ask around and see if mutual friends have some insight. I didn't get much from your post about the role this friend plays in your life, so can't really give you advice on that. But I can tell you that nothing you can say or do about the business deal will ever repair the friendship. Consider the business deal done. Make a totally different decision about whether and how to address the friendship. I personally would have trouble letting the vitriolic reaction go, and trusting that I wouldn't get another such reaction to something else unexpected in the future. But your friendship might warrant extending trust ... I don't know.
posted by Capri at 11:27 AM on August 5, 2013


Here is what happens when people hire a real caterer: they put down a deposit. Sometimes there's a series of deposits - at booking, at headcount confirmation, etc. If the event is cancelled, they keep the deposit per the terms in their contract.

They do not get paid for the entire event as if it occurred.

And your "friend" has pretty much acknowledged that by sending you back half the money. Please put it back in your bank account. Not doing so will give the money to the money order company, not to your friend. Refusing to handle the money because there's a psychotic event attached to it is odd enough that I'm wondering if you are someone who is highly conflict-avoidant and are having a dysfunctional, self-sabatoging reaction to this situation. (And if you are, does your crazy friend know that? Might they be manipulating you for some kind of non-monetary obligation?)

The drama is tangential, and manufactured, and you may never know why. I'm going to guess that there were some specific people that this person hoped to get access to there, because that's the only reason I can see that their hypothetical enemy might cancel an event to "weasel out" of anything. It probably would have somehow been your fault if those celebrities or whoever got the flu, too. Maybe this is the thing s/he's holding out for, to try to get you to make that introduction in order to make this "right"?

Anyway, don't do business with friends without a contract. Lesson learned. Go put the money order in the bank. Avoid that person because there's something wrong with them, and do not recommend them to anyone else.
posted by Lyn Never at 11:31 AM on August 5, 2013 [9 favorites]


I agree with everyone saying your friend is being an immature ass here, but I'd also suggest that you take a look at your own actions and framing of things. The money order is "kryptonite"? You completely emptied your savings account to give this person more money than had been agreed upon? You've apologized repeatedly over a simple business decision that you didn't make in the first place? NONE of this should be such a big deal. Honestly.

It sounds like you've been taking this opportunity to scourge yourself for some reason, and were doing so even before your friend shot back his shitty little response. So in addition to cutting ties with this friend for several months at least (and yes cash the money order and be done with it - to not do so is to prolong the drama), I would also urge you to question some of your own attitudes and thoughts about yourself. Why did you feel it was necessary to skewer yourself and writhe in guilt before this dude in the first place, when all that happened was a potential gig you were nice enough to try to hook him up with got cancelled?
posted by DingoMutt at 11:36 AM on August 5, 2013 [23 favorites]


Perhaps this friend's business is struggling and he/she has had some other recent cancellations and is taking their frustration for that out on you because they "can." Thats the only excuse I can think of. however i agree with everyone above, you did nothing wrong. sorry you're dealing with this BS.
posted by Kloryne at 11:39 AM on August 5, 2013 [1 favorite]


Divined by Radio, you did in fact do something wrong. Not to your crazypants friend, but to yourself:

You put yourself in the middle of an event planning situation, between a caterer and an unreliable principal, and did not collect deposits from the principal to cover cancellation costs.

As mentioned above, advance deposits for catered events are completely standard and should be collected as a matter of course. I know of a decades-of-experience caterering pro who still rues the day she failed to get advance deposit from that one client back in 1993 and they HELD THE EVENT and still never paid up.

Your "friend" can go dangle by the heels and bleed out, given the way she has behaved. YOU got roundly fucked and still sacrificed mightily to see she got what was coming to her. You still need to be sure to remember the real lesson here: signed contracts and corresponding nonrefundable deposits or no party happens.

As I suggested my catering friend tell one particularly recalcitrant bride who was balking at making her final payment 1 week before the reception: "You may feel too busy to bring that check in today, but if it isn't here by 5 you won't have a DAMN thing going on Saturday!"
posted by BigLankyBastard at 11:43 AM on August 5, 2013 [7 favorites]


The only reason that I'm adding a voice to yet another answer is that it sounds like you are struggling to understand why your friend/possibly former friend is behaving this.

Obviously there is a lot that is missing on our side and that we can't see, but ... most starting businesses fail. I have not seen the number for a few years, but it was along the lines of >80% in the first 5 years, whether it be from your basement or a one person type setup, whatever. Many of thse people also hold onto the vision and acquire debt;I knew about one person who wanted to have a bakery and acquired debt far beyond what one would imagine and there was no house or education to show for it.

So one thing that I wonder is perhaps 1) your friend is going into debt/has a failing business and 2) latched onto a dream of opportunities for expanding the business based on the event.

By the same token, this is not your problem. If this person is going to act like this, any potential customers will be driven away. After observing this, I would not touch that business with a ten foot pole - even if you stay friends, I would not refer someone to this friend, because the "cost" is more than economics.

If this were my friend, I would do what a few people above are suggesting. Give your friend a cooling off period. To try to restate and just focus on the idea that this was not your decision. You value and hope to keep the friendship. To keep this friendship intact, never even discuss how this business is going. This friendship may not survive, and it has absolutely nothing to do with you.
posted by Wolfster at 11:43 AM on August 5, 2013 [2 favorites]


Look, whatever your friend's beef is, it's not that you didn't pay her.

When she sent you back half (not 100 percent or zero percent) she communicated something. She communicated to you that as far as she is concerned you have adequately reimbursed her for her financial loss with the 50 percent.

By continuing to rant at you despite this she is telling you that this is not in fact about the money and not something you can make better with money. In fact, overpaying her may be seen as trying to buy your way out of guilt and she may find that insulting.

I don't know what made her so deeply hurt and enraged. (It's not about money, though. So keep the money.) Nothing in your story explains it. So either she is nuts or there is more to it that you're missing.

I have to say, though, that you have reacted just as emotionally as your friend and were also unprofessional in that you don't seem to differentiate between the business arrangement, your friendship and your own private bank account. Whatever the reason for this, I think it is the key to this excessive falling out you two are having.
posted by Omnomnom at 11:46 AM on August 5, 2013 [6 favorites]


Clearly there is something more going on with your friend because their response was not friendly, professional or in any way a proportional to something that happens every signel day. It's why contracts and deposits exist. You have more than made good on this, especially since it wasn't your fault. Even if it was: see contracts and deposits.

I'm sorry you lost a friend over this but it's not your doing. Deposit the money order, make sure your company reimburses you for any expense you've incurred, take some time to let go of the friendship and stop beating yourself up over this. You've done more than enough.
posted by Space Kitty at 11:51 AM on August 5, 2013 [1 favorite]


It might help you feel less bad about depositing the money if you consider it a guilt/apology fee that your friend decided to pay you for having to listen to his or her crazy rant. ie it is completely separate to the catering transaction.
posted by cogat at 11:59 AM on August 5, 2013


Wait, what? Am I reading this right?

Here's how I read your question. Your company wanted to throw a party for some occasion. And you steered the catering work to your friend as a favor to them. Then your company decided for whatever reason to cancel the party. So what about the caterer we lined up? They'd done a lot of expensive prep work.

And your answer was to pay the caterer in full (plus a bonus) yourself?

WTF? Why are you paying the tab for this at all? Am I misreading this situation completely or is it not up to the company to pay off its contract with the caterer?

There was a contract, right? If the party had gone off on schedule, it was the company's responsibility to pay your friend and not yours, right?

Wholly apart from the caterer's behavior, I'm really mystified by what's going on here. A really lengthy question and buttloads of posts discussing it, and I still can't make heads or tails of it.
posted by Naberius at 12:02 PM on August 5, 2013 [26 favorites]


It might be worth considering the possibility that your friend valued you more as a business connection than anything much more than that. The friendship is over, but it sounds like maybe she didn't think of it as much of a friendship to begin with.
posted by wondermouse at 12:06 PM on August 5, 2013 [1 favorite]


The OP never said this was a company event, and I think it's a little pointless to make that assumption.
posted by jaguar at 12:11 PM on August 5, 2013


If it's a money order, deposit it. Otherwise the money will just stay with the bank. It's already out of your friend's account.

Your friend is a caterer and is put out by a cancellation? Whoo! Does he/she have a rude awakening!

Things happen. I'm at a loss as to why your friend is so angry. It's not like YOU cancelled the event, it's not like your friend got stiffed. If there's a ton of food, a new fun party with friends can be thrown, or friend can donate to a homeless shelter.

Why are YOU covering the contract if others were going to pay and they decided to cancel?

This whole transaction should have been between the event planners and your friend. Sure, you may have recommended your friend, but it should have begun and ended there.

The only thing owed to your friend is what is specified in the contract.

So...deposit that money order in your account before the sun sets today.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 12:15 PM on August 5, 2013


I’m with Frowner, jeather, Namlit et. al., and I think Namlit has a very good beginning for a last short email to this person. Also seconding Frowner’s second point – whoever organised this event initially, had you organise catering and then cancelled without enquiring about catering cancellation fees did you a great disservice and it is not OK.

Still, please do not throw that money away. The way I understand your story, you yourself have not been liable for any of the payment in the first place, not legally, not morally. If you feel like that money is made of yuck after the drama, cash it and donate it to a relevant charity. If there is any friendship to be rescued here, let your former friend know where it went, and that it was donated in both your names in honour of your friendship or something.


I’m also with Naberius – kind of dumbfounded and not sure I get what actually happened and why you paid her money and now also feel incredibly guilty and responsible. Are you likely to take on more responsibility than you should? Friends (or “friends”) can sometimes suss that out and take advantage of it, and it seems this might be happening here (s/he realised s/he had no contract, made a huge fuss, knowing you will feel guilty, you reliably sent money, she looks magnanimous because she sends some back). I don’t want to become too personal, but I would spend some time thinking how come that you feel so overwhelmingly responsible for something that was pretty much 90% out of your hands, at least the way it was told here.
posted by miorita at 12:24 PM on August 5, 2013 [1 favorite]


I have to admit not reading the other responses, but I suspect they will be similar.

Keep the returned money. The spent money is a cheap lesson on this person's true colors. I assume there was no cancellation clause in the contract. Learn that lesson too. When event planning, always have the possible cancellation planned for. These things happen.

I suspect the animosity comes from her if you told her where the payment is coming from. If you told her it was coming out of your pocket or it came from your checkbook, she might be angry at the cancellation and taking it out on you. She might be feeling guilty.

Whatever, flag it and move on.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 12:25 PM on August 5, 2013


divined by radio, I wouldn't post because I'm just agreeing with the tone of the thread, which is that your friend is 100% out of line and you should keep the money, but I wanted to add that you described the passive-aggressive repayment as a money order, which especially means you should cash it.

Unlike a check, which leaves the money in your friend's account until you cash it, a money order is paid for in advance. So if you don't cash it, it doesn't mean the money stays in your friend's bank account. It means the money stays in the accounts of Western Union, or the Post Office, or whoever. Your friend has already gotten rid of the money. Not cashing the money order just means you've made a passive donation to Western Union (or whoever).

And frankly, if a friend ever pulled on me what your friend pulled on you, I would certainly never do business with them again, and I would downgrade them at least to acquaintance-I'm-often-too-busy-to-see, because they are totally out of line.
posted by gauche at 12:36 PM on August 5, 2013 [4 favorites]


This is bizarre. I'm not clear why someone would be angry for getting paid in full (plus extra!) for work that they never even needed to finish. Is it because of lost networking opportunities? You call this person a friend? This is not a friend. This is more like a freak.
posted by Dansaman at 12:37 PM on August 5, 2013


Mod note: A couple comments removed, please try to focus on keeping it constructive.
posted by cortex (staff) at 12:47 PM on August 5, 2013


Response by poster: I seem to have kicked a hornet's nest here, and I apologize for doing so. Ultimately, I think the problem is that I have been considering this person to be a good friend while they have considered me to be an acquaintance who helps them drum up new business. This is not something that had even remotely occurred to me, so I appreciate that it was brought up. It explains so much, Occam's Razor-style.

For what it's worth, the people who cancelled the event did tell me they would pay me back, but they have not and I consider everything I've spent to be sunk costs. I'll cash the money order and leave it at that.

Thanks again for all of your suggestions and insights. And don't worry -- I already have a therapist. There is absolutely no need to tell me how much it's indicated.
posted by divined by radio at 12:49 PM on August 5, 2013 [10 favorites]


God, so sorry divined by ratio, it always stings really bad to have such negative revelations about people you care about and have felt close to, especially off the back of other tough stuff, and I'm speaking from having experienced the "when it rains, it pours" phenomenon. A suggestion - if that money is too charged for you to use like normal money, why not use it for an ephemeral self-pampering thing, in addition to maybe a "do got onto others" thing? The universe owes you one, and maybe this is its way to give it to you... Good luck
posted by miorita at 12:56 PM on August 5, 2013


I seem to have kicked a hornet's nest here, and I apologize for doing so.

Don't apologize. Nobody here is upset with you. Be kind to yourself. I don't see this as a hornet's nest that you've kicked so much as it is a bunch of people who are kind of shocked that your friend is acting this way.

It sounds like this was a difficult and stressful thing for you to have to go through, and a bit like you've surrounded yourself with people who aren't watching out for you. It also sounds like you checked in here to learn whether this situation was your problem or your friend's problem. That's one of the things this website is for: getting a read on what other people thing is normal behavior. Good for you for checking in. Don't apologize for that.
posted by gauche at 1:10 PM on August 5, 2013 [28 favorites]


I think the problem is that I have been considering this person to be a good friend while they have considered me to be an acquaintance who helps them drum up new business. This is not something that had even remotely occurred to me

I'm sorry to hear that. It hurts like hell when something like that comes clear. Yes, accept the money she sent back to you and try to be grateful that at least you got that back, whatever her actual reason was for returning it to you.

I think all you can do with this experience is consider it a very painful lesson learned - at least, if you avoid doing business with friends, you'll know they aren't just in it for the potential business opportunities. Please know that you didn't do anything wrong. It just sounds like an awful situation, the kind of stuff that happens when people with differing motivations use each other for different reasons.
posted by wondermouse at 1:10 PM on August 5, 2013


First, since I didn't bother to say it before - I'm really sorry you're in this mess. It sounds like this is totally not your fault and you're getting very unfairly beaten up over it.

And Jaguar's right - no mention of a company here. It was that bit about the decision to cancel being "several proverbial ladder rungs above my head" that put company into my brain. But re-reading the question and divined by radio's replies, it seems clear that this is a personal thing among a group of friends, which makes it much more likely that there wouldn't be a contract that would explain just what happens if the event is cancelled, and that divined by radio might be paying for something out of pocket. Basically a whole other world if we're not talking about a professional environment.

Basically, this just sucks and I'm sorry. (Spent last weekend helping move my fiancee's brother's ex-girlfriend's stuff out of his house and getting it back to her family/designated representatives, so I feel just how out of control and unhappy these personal situations can get, and how they can drag in people who really have nothing to do with it.)
posted by Naberius at 1:13 PM on August 5, 2013 [1 favorite]


I feel like there is some missing piece of information here. If there's any way to contact your friend, I would perhaps say something like this: "I value our friendship. I feel like I have honored our financial agreement, but I also feel like our friendship has suffered and I do not understand why. I would like to hear your side of things. From my point of view, while it was upsetting and inconvenient that this event was cancelled, the money I paid you was fair compensation. What is your perspective? I would genuinely like to understand your feelings and interpretation of what happened."

Ultimately, without more information from them, you won't be able to understand their reaction.
posted by megancita at 1:25 PM on August 5, 2013


Here is my best guess about why the caterer is pissed: Did the party-giver send you to the caterer by proxy to get a special friendship discount? And after the cancellation, you tried to cover it out of your own pocket and even added 25% on top of the price? To undo that discount? Because if that is the case, then I can understand the caterer being pissed. They are not "crazy" or "insane" or "filled with drama". You got a discount for a third-party when the caterer thought it was a discount for YOU.

If that is the case, I would apologize to the caterer and say that you got trapped in an awkward situation and it won't happen again.

NOTE: This is a good faith answer but it is based on guesswork so please disregard if I am off-base.
posted by 99percentfake at 2:07 PM on August 5, 2013 [1 favorite]


> Ultimately, without more information from them, you won't be able to understand their reaction.

I think understanding their reaction should be on the low end of divined by radio's list of priorities.

> Here is my best guess about why the caterer is pissed

And it should be even lower on ours, especially if our "best guess" is likely to make the questioner feel even worse. There really isn't any need to try to think up ways in which the "friend" can be seen to be in the right.
posted by languagehat at 2:31 PM on August 5, 2013 [6 favorites]


There really isn't any need to try to think up ways in which the "friend" can be seen to be in the right.

Agreed. There is no way under the sun that the "friend's" reaction is in any way justified. "Friend" acted like a petulant ass and was totally unprofessional. OP would be completely justified in washing their hands of "friend" forevermore.

Divined by radio, here's a hug. Your "friend" was a complete shit to you and doesn't deserve your friendship or your business. Deposit the money order, and be persistent in getting the money from the people up the food chain who owe you. You should not be hung out to dry - you deserve better treatment.

And if this is an example of the professional conduct of your "friend," then unless their cupcakes make angels weep or something, they are not going to be in business for very long. Most people can't abuse their clients or connections and stay in business.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 2:41 PM on August 5, 2013 [1 favorite]


Hi OP,

Considering your follow-up, here is the advice that I have.

I think that anything any of us can tell you will, by nature, be based off of a partial understanding of the facts in any situation. This is not to say you're leaving anything out deliberately, because I don't think you are; it's to say that obviously, we can't ask you, "What's going on here that you don't know about?" and expect an answer. Also by design, it's hard for there to be much clarification on questions we might have, since there are dozens of us and you'd be here all day and probably all night too.

For all any of us know, your caterer friend flipped the hell out with little apparent provocation (which certainly does happen). Or for all we know, there's a history or some sort of additional context which would make their reaction seem less bugfuck insane. Or for all we know, the situation is something else entirely, something in between or not like either situation at all.

Events influence our perspective pretty heavily, and you say that the canceling of this particular party has had repercussions in your life outside this friendship. In emotionally volatile circumstances, it can be hard to take a step back and look at things in a way that isn't at least a little charged. This isn't to call your experience into question; basically, what I'm saying is that you're human.

So what I recommend is this. You mentioned that you're seeing a therapist. My suggestion is that, before you make any big decisions regarding your relationship with this person, you take the time to talk to your therapist about this situation with your friend, including as much background and additional information as possible, and see what they think. If there isn't more to the story and your friend is being an irrational dick, your therapist will likely suggest what's been suggested above (distancing yourself from this friend, and rightly so). But if there are more considerations, I'd think your therapist is a perfect person to help you sort this out.

Thanks for your time, and good luck.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 2:50 PM on August 5, 2013 [5 favorites]


If having the returned money is bothering you, donate it to a charity for orphaned/underprivileged/abused children with the proviso that is to finance a party*. Win-Win.
*unless some kids need shoes...
posted by Cranberry at 3:17 PM on August 5, 2013


your friend's reaction is certainly strange and doesn't make sense. it sounds like there is some sort of misunderstanding or miscommunication here. i don't see it being about money for them because they returned money to you. it sounds like they possibly initially thought you wanted to back out of using them for the catering for some reason rather than the event got cancelled. how did you originally notify them of the event getting cancelled? was it in email? the only thing i can think is if you didn't call them but sent an email and they misunderstood as email can cause all kinds of misunderstanding. or, that if you called them they just didn't believe the event was really cancelled and then couldn't back down from that position without looking foolish when they realized it was really cancelled. of course they are not behaving professionally here nor like a friend, but it sounds possibly like a misunderstanding to me. you said she thinks this happened at your whim so she obviously doesn't understand what went down. maybe you can explain that more to her if you talk to her again. it sounds like she thought this cancellation was personal rather than professional.

you went above and beyond to make it up to her, but obviously she is having none of it which is really unkind. i can certainly understand her being upset at a last minute cancellation and all their hard work going to waste but i don't understand nor like her reaction. maybe try to sit down with her in person and hash it out friend to friend since you say she is a good friend. i wouldn't assume this is just about her thinking of you as a business acquaintance. if that were the case i doubt she would have returned money to you. occam's razor is good at oversimplifying complex situations. that isn't an excuse for your friend's poor behavior but just to say don't try to oversimplify the context when things happen.
posted by wildflower at 3:27 PM on August 5, 2013 [1 favorite]


You're totally fine, and your choice of solution sounds correct to me.

Now do yourself a favor: stop being bothered by this person who didn't let you off the hook gracefully after you apologized and took big steps to resolve the situation fairly. I mean, really, what the heck do they think they're entitled to, here? A bunch of money AND time machine so they can go back to happier days when they still thought the event was going to happen? Tough nuts, since you don't have one, and... weird.

If it helps, consciously re-categorize this person in your head. File them in the Glad-I'm-Not-Like-Them category, really internalize that, and let it go completely. The reason they belong in that category is that they couldn't handle their disappointment gracefully, so they made the choice to treat you poorly. That was a choice they made. Yuck, eh? So not friend-material.

In conclusion, I'm glad I'm not like that person. I'm also really glad you're not like them.
posted by heyho at 4:09 PM on August 5, 2013 [1 favorite]


Please blacklist this person and advise others not to use them as a caterer. Nobody in your area should ever have to deal with someone so out to lunch (excuse the food pun) or let them be in charge of food. They are not emotionally responsible or professional enough to be considered a proper adult that owns a business.
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 5:09 PM on August 5, 2013


In an attempt to rectify the situation as best as I could manage, I sincerely apologized to my friend and paid them in full for the services they would have provided if the event had not been cancelled, with a bit extra on top to make up for the short notice and inconvenience.

You are a mensch.

I told them that if there was absolutely anything else I needed to do in order to make them "whole" beside pay them and apologize, I would do it in a heartbeat with no questions asked, but received only a volley of seething resentment in return.

Your 'friend' is an asshole, and also not your friend anymore, if they ever were.

They have not sustained a loss - they got paid for services they didn't have to provide. They were more than adequately compensated -with a bonus! It was their choice to send the money back, and their (confusing) choice to be an asshole about it.

Cash the money order, because otherwise Western Union or whomever will keep it, and that benefits no one. Never speak to this person again. They are not worth your time.

You are not at fault here. You have nothing to feel guilty about. You went above and beyond the call of duty.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 5:53 PM on August 5, 2013


If you don't feel comfortable keeping the money, could you deposit it and then donate the amount to a charity of your choice?
posted by easy, lucky, free at 6:25 PM on August 5, 2013


Wait....wait....wait...event cancelled, yet you still pay without complaint?

Sheesh.....I am a freelancer. I dream of finding clients like you!

Your friend is making no sense. She is using some pretzel-logic to escalate this non-issue into an issue. Cancellations happen. Most business owners understand that. Your friend clearly has an issue that, as presented, is not all that clear.
posted by lampshade at 6:40 PM on August 5, 2013


I'm on board with the tide of posters who think your ex-friend is behaving irrationally, also with the advice for you to cash and keep the money order.

I also agree with the opinions of those who think perhaps some details have been omitted. For example some personal issue between you and the ex-friend has caused him to act this way. It doesn't matter, though. The contract is a separate thing. The friendship seems over, unless your friend comes to you groveling, and with an explanation. Anyhow, keep the money, for the reasons explained above. Your ex-friend is entitled to a deposit, but to the entire fee.

Something else was mentioned that seems important. Why are you personally responsible for this? Maybe it's a personal issue that doesn't bear on your question, but the thing that comes to mind is that you were going to pay for this in the first place, and funds from another source were never part of the situation. If it were the case that you were supposed to split the cost with someone, then another party may be feeling a bit uncomfortable about ducking the fee. Or maybe they ought to feel uncomfortable, but don't. If that's the case, you may have lost two friendships through no fault of your own.

Your friends ought to treasure you. You seem like a person with sound ethics, and the character to support them. Go be with those who appreciate you, and let your ex-friend simmer in his own juices.
posted by mule98J at 7:18 PM on August 5, 2013 [1 favorite]


How do I come to terms with the fact that I have done something that seems to be truly unforgivable?

Looking at this from your friends perspective, I can only think that your friend must be thinking of what a horrible, terrible, no-good person divined by radio is for weaseling out of the original agreement for them to take a smaller amount of your icky money and attempting to force them to take more of your filthy lucre.

That is to say, this makes no sense. Maybe they were out some networking opportunities, but more likely they would have not been able to make any connections there.

Your friend does not sound sane. You are being very kind to them and they are being horrible to you. They will indeed NEVAR EVAR forgive you for your kindness and consideration, and it is very puzzling.

I don't care for such friends myself, but if you really want to get this person to be kind to you ever again you will probably need to do something very insulting or humiliating to them, and they will start to be nice to you and try and get on your good side. Consider carefully first if you would be happier to let them go.

If you really don't want the money currently held by the money order company, donate it to a charity.

Also, if you ever need a caterer, hire someone else.
posted by yohko at 9:05 PM on August 5, 2013 [1 favorite]


This thread seems to be sticking to one point of view - here is an alternate line of thought... If they returned half the money via a money order, that doesn't seem like ripping up the check in anger or something. It seems a more rational determination that you overcompensated their work. Are you sure you're not misunderstanding or being overly sensitive about some of the exchanges?

A lot of the issues you describe are pretty vague - your friend wouldn't accept an apology, implied something, went silent, sent a note you found abrasive that included a "witheringly detailed" list of services, handwaved away drama, and stopped talking to you. Perhaps this describes an insane person but it's very subjective, and sometimes it's hard to get the tone of emails. As you present it, all of it is indefinite enough to potentially be meant very differently than you took it.

The one definite act you describe, sending back half the money, I would have thought was a good sign, not mean or passive-aggressive. Why do you not think they just consider it more fair for you to have half the money back?

I'm sure they were somewhat unprofessional, but maybe it's not as bad as you think, and at least returning your portion of the money does not seem like an insult to me.
posted by mdn at 9:45 AM on August 6, 2013 [3 favorites]


Wow, how hurtful and unprofessional of her. Sounds like she just wanted to hurt someone (without any basis), and was very successful.


On second thought, maybe the money order was her way to seem professional.
posted by Neekee at 12:01 PM on August 6, 2013


The only reason I can think of why someone might act this way (and it would still be petulant and wrong), was if they took the job at a lower fee or took it only because it was going to be worth it for the "networking"--like it was catering Brad Pitt's birthday or something and the caterer wanted to hobnob with famous people or hand Brad Pitt a script or something.

In the end, whatever event was cancelled at no fault or you own, the asshat got paid--plus an extra 25%!--and now he's throwing a tantrum like a 3-year-old long overdue for a nap. Don't encourage this behavior by acting if what they are doing is anything other than wrong. This behavior is good information they have given you--now you will never have to feel bad for suggesting them as a caterer only to have them pull the same infantile BS on one of your friends or business contacts. Future bullet dodged.

Cash that money order and, shake your head, and remove that caterer from your Rolodex.
posted by blueberry at 2:48 PM on August 6, 2013


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