To mate or not to roomate

September 27, 2005 2:25 AM

I’m single, 25, and have always had at least one other housemate. Assuming that money is not a factor, what do I need to do/know before I decide to live alone?

In my experience, housemates have always provided instant entertainment, an ambient social life and now, a good transitional support group for the grind of post college life (all uniquely healthy, necessary and rewarding things in my life).

On the other hand, some things are not avoidable: they want orgies when I want quiet, I want to take a shower when they want to sleep, and the usual cleanliness type politics.

In my mind, living alone just means that there will be more inertia to overcome to become actively social, which in my case is not easy because of introverted tendencies. I guess that I just fear becoming isolated.

How quiet is alone? Do you hate living alone, or wish that you could? Will I miss the ubiquitous friendship that is housematehood?

posted by |n$eCur3 to human relations (25 comments total)

For the first three days you will be lonely and miserable and freaked out, then you will realize what gold you have stumbled upon and breathe a huge sigh of relief.
posted by dydecker at 3:06 AM on September 27, 2005

Hell, I loved being alone from day one. And you'll probably branch out more than you expect when you don't have your roommate's social life as a crutch.
posted by grouse at 3:21 AM on September 27, 2005

I moved to a new city and thus had to live alone. To be honest, it's swing and roundabouts. I can play guitar and watch TV if I want, I can hang out in the living room, the whole flat is mine which means I can stamp more of my personality on it, I only have to deal with my mess, there is always enough hot water, I can live my day at my pace.

On the other hand, you HAVE to actively seek a social life. You'll miss the walk-out-of-your-room-and-socialise thing. You have to cultivate friendships - make an effort to invite people round, go out and do stuff, go to friends' houses. You'll also miss the ultra-close bond you can develop with housemates that comes from spending tons of time together.

Basically, I like a lot of things about living alone, but after a year of doing it, I'm about to move in with some friends - I just miss having a life that strongly intertwines with other peoples'.
posted by pollystark at 3:37 AM on September 27, 2005

Nice things about having roomies, apart from the social ones you mention:
1. Having extra strong backs on hand to help with stuff like shifting furniture about, fixing the unexpected flat tire, assembling the new Ikea bookcase, etc.
2. Having extra brains on hand to help with stuff like hooking up the DVR, debugging the wireless router, etc.
3. If you hear strange noises in the night, you know it's probably just one of the roomies instead of a crazed killer.
4. You have others with whom to rotate around abhorred tasks like cleaning the bathroom.
5. If you are by nature a slob, you have others' standards to live up to and hence tend to avoid descent into total slobhood.

The first two are things for which one can also recruit friends; the latter two fall in the category of "being a grownup has its sucky elements"; and there's not much one can do about #3 if one is the sort who routinely imagines crazed killers in the house, I guess.

I've lived alone for 15 years now, and the upsides of privacy, autonomy and lovely lovely solitude far outweigh the downsides (though I still wish at times I had someone else around who *liked* cleaning the bathroom). But it sounds like for you the social stuff is more of a plus, which means, as others have noted, you'll need to take active steps to connect with people instead of having them ready to hand. Which is a good life skill to learn, I guess (although I've never really mastered it).
posted by Kat Allison at 4:37 AM on September 27, 2005

Somehow, I didn't live alone until I was 33. It is, largely, awesome. To answer your questions in order:

1. Every once in a while, probably on a Tuesday night, alone is *really, really* alone. Horribly. You will end up going to the movies by yourself, and eating popcorn for dinner, and you will think of yourself as a total loser. Also, you will, every once in a while, go to bed at a really unreasonable hour, like 8:30 p.m., and it will freak you out. Particularly when you wake up at 5 a.m.

2. The only thing to really hate about living alone is that, maybe just once, the state of your apartment will completely deteriorate and you will be too humiliated to let anyone else see what filth you live in. Then you will have to hire a professional to come in for a day to fix it and you'll feel very, very lame.

3. It depends on how you're wired. I'm totally wired for constant companionship--but, living alone I've had to face up to the discipline v. sloth issue. Like, you wanna paint a painting, or write music, or string beads, or write code, or whatever it is that you crave doing? Well, there's no one to *oppose* you doing it when you live alone, so, perversely, you have to push against your own inertia to make it happen, which is harder than relying on some outside force. (Your mileage may vary.)
posted by RJ Reynolds at 4:49 AM on September 27, 2005

Living with roommates is a double-edged sword: when you want to be alone, people are around. When you want to socialize, people are gone.

Living alone, you can feel isolated pretty quickly and easily, even if you have friends right next door. pollystark is right, you have to put in an effort to get out and socialize (or otherwise invite friends to hang at your place).

I'm kind of in the middle: I have roommates, but they weren't my friends before--they came with the house. We're friendly with each other, but one of the two I very rarely see (and I've only talked to her maybe half a dozen times in six months). I see the other roommate usually daily, but we both tend to hang out in our rooms. So it's like living alone, but there are at least warm, breathing human beings mere meters away. Psychologically this makes a difference, I think. If the alone thing proves too quiet, you might try living with strangers.
posted by zardoz at 4:56 AM on September 27, 2005

Upside to living alone:
Nudity. Absolutely no reason to put on any more clothing than you see fit for any reason. This gets very addictive quickly. (Recommend an apron when cooking though -- splatters hurt.)

Downside:
Expenses. Want to subscribe to the paper or cable, or turn the heat up a little in the winter? BIG difference when you're footing the whole bill. 1/2 a bill is often a more justifiable amount than the whole bill.

Cooking: Not as much fun alone. Sure, you can make a big lasagna and freeze it, but it's not as much fun to whip up a batch of brownies or cookies alone. After you eat what you want, giving 'em away can be more difficult than you might think. Also unless you plan your meals carefully, you're going to wind up wasting food. The last of the baby spinach will get slimy or the last lemon will fossilize or the potatoes will sprout and you'll feel like a schmuck.
posted by desuetude at 6:06 AM on September 27, 2005

I've only ever had one post-college roomie that wasn't a romantic partner.

I hated nearly every minute of it, but realize that it probably had more to do with my choice in roomie, but still. I won't ever go back. As a matter of fact I think it will be many a year before I submit myself to living with a romantic partner, I enjoy it THAT much.

I've been living alone again now, after a four year co-habitation relationship, for nearly a year. In that time I've taken up the guitar, started working out regularly, made new friends, traveled extensively and learned that eating alone and attending movies alone can be a wonderful thing.

Alone needn't be quiet at all. On most nights I have the iPod running all eveing in the background while I do whatever it is that I'm doing. I hardly ever watch television so I don't find myself feeling like a slug because of that.

I do try to make sure that I get out at least two nights a week for something - anything.

Try it. If you don't like it you can always change it. Living alone isn't a permanent thing if you don't want it to be.
posted by FlamingBore at 6:18 AM on September 27, 2005

It's funny, but many people have mentioned the silence of living alone. I can totally see what they mean - no sound of other people-noises from the house. However, I can't say I've ever noticed the lack. I remember when I was about fifteen and my Dad went away for the weekend. I had the house to myself and everything felt very very quiet and slightly unnerving. I ended up having the radio on constantly to conpensate. However, I can't remember ever feeling that at any point since I started living on my own. Perhaps I've got used to it, or perhaps the planes and cars going by outside fill in enough gaps so I don't feel like things are silent.
posted by pollystark at 6:31 AM on September 27, 2005

I'm 24, single, and also living alone at the minute. It looks like a lot of the points have already been covered -- pay close attention to RJ Reynolds' second point if you've ever had even the slight tendency to be messy. I'm good about taking out the garbage, but horrible at noticing that boxes of stuff I've bought are empty and should be thrown away and remembering to put things away. No matter how dirty your old roommates were, they might have been the incentive to keep things clean. Sometimes it's easier to do the dishes if you can scream at someone for not doing them while you run the water.

I doubt I need to say anything obvious like "find some friends," but I'd add that you should make sure you vary who you hang out with. I've had the bad tendency to use friends as the same sort of social crutch -- ex-roommates, even. Make your apartment not only liveable for yourself but be willing to let others come over. In fact, throw a party or two if you have the space and make them come over.

Don't fall in a rut. If you like going to the same bar or restaurant, don't do it all the time. Watch television in moderation. Everything in moderation.
posted by mikeh at 6:51 AM on September 27, 2005

I lived alone for about four years, and just a few months ago moved in with my two brothers.

The differences I've noticed mostly coincide with what everyone above has mentioned. I think the thing that would help most when you're living alone is just to make sure you have a couple of friends you can call at the drop of a hat to do something with - whether it's just dinner, or a night out, or a party, or whatever. It helps for those times when, as has been mentioned and probably will happen, you'll feel completely alone.

Things I miss about being alone:

1. I'm cleaner than both my brothers, and so I end up doing most of the cleaning I would have done on my own, but now I grumble the entire time because it's not just MY mess I'm cleaning up.

2. I don't get the TV to myself anymore (though I do have cable now) which means I either don't get to watch my own shows or have someone watching them with me (and my brothers usually mock the shows I like).

3. There's a lot of rigamorole involved in getting bills paid, since I have to get money from my brothers (or they from me).

4. I can't just have parties or my boyfriend over or whatever, because my brothers might have someone over themselves or not want extra people in the house, etc.

Things you should know about living alone:

1. It will be more expensive in some ways, but you get to control it all now.

2. You will have total responsibility for your space, so going on long vacations may mean getting someone to check on your place, or at least having more worry about whether a fire burned down your apartment while you're gone (I never said I was rational).

3. It will take some adjustment. Don't give up on it.

And have fun!
posted by bibbit at 6:52 AM on September 27, 2005

If you're moving into an apartment/flat surrounded by other apartments/flats, you effectively still have roommates, only you don't get to choose who they are. Having a mutually respectful relationship with the neighbours on the other sides of your walls/floors/ceilings can make a huge difference in how much you enjoy your days.

Not living alone forces you to get in touch with who you are, since there is no one else to blame things on, so I think it's a healthy thing to do at least once.
posted by cardboard at 6:59 AM on September 27, 2005

Not Living alone, I mean. Rhubarb, rhubarb.
posted by cardboard at 7:01 AM on September 27, 2005

Ahh, man this thread has cheered me up, esp. RJ Reynolds: I've experienced both 1&2 v. recently, though I cleared up the bombsite my house had become single handed and have vowed to do a little bit of tidying every time I'm home so it'll never ever happen again, so that's one handy hint.

I'm living on my own for a few months, through choice, in a very sociable small town after living with housemates for years and years in big cities. It doesn't matter that there are now half a dozen people within a five minute drive that I could drop in and see for a cup of tea, sooner or later I come home to a house where nobody knows what I'm doing and it can be hard... there's some line in some film to the effect that people get married because it means having a witness to their lives - just someone who has noticed what you're doing with your life, even in the most passive way, and I miss that about housemates.

So if you're prone to introversion, you have two challenges: first to get yourself out of the house/people into the house and make sure you have a good social life, but also (and this is the bit I struggle with) learning to relax when you're on your own and let yourself off the hook when you get the feeling you should be doing something more worthy than watching soaps again/rereading that favourite old book you've read five times/ignoring the washing up.

If you're planning to buy somewhere, can you buy somewhere with a spare room so you can rent it out if you hate being alone? Or rent somewhere first so you can try it out. Like FlamingBore says, trying it out is the only way to know whether you'll love it or hate it, and reading this thread suggests you could do either.
posted by penguin pie at 7:20 AM on September 27, 2005

No man is truly free until he craps with the bathroom door open.
posted by mkultra at 7:53 AM on September 27, 2005

I crave human contact but has lived alone for a few years now. My tips: get a pet and be part of any sort of club of a hobby of yours or something you are interested in getting into for the first time.
posted by joshgray at 7:55 AM on September 27, 2005

No man is truly free until he craps with the bathroom door open.

The cat always looks at me so disapprovingly. But if he can do it...dammit, so can I.
posted by kyle at 9:23 AM on September 27, 2005

Great advice from everyone. I'm terribly introverted and have lived alone for the last 16 years and love it. The only way I could live with someone else is if we were romantically involved which I am still holding on to a slim hope of happening someday, but even then it would be a tough thing to adjust to.

You'll have to find companionship somehow, for me it's with the people I work with which can be a good thing or a bad thing if you have a falling out with someone and still have to work with them. Give it a try and if it's unbearable then you can always get a room mate or (horrors!) get married.
posted by Justin Case at 10:10 AM on September 27, 2005

This is why I love Ask MetaFilter... I often forget that you guys count as surrogate roommates. Seriously made my day.
posted by |n$eCur3 at 10:25 AM on September 27, 2005

Oh, wow. Nobody mentioned the craziest part of having your own place.

Dear god, it takes alot of random crap to fill an apartment!

Funny story. At the age of 26, I finally get my own place under my own name -- sure, I'd spent the last year subletting random apartments, but they were all furnished. This place...was most certainly not. I'd thought the hardest part was going to be getting the big things, but...no.

I go to shower. No shower curtain. I walk to the store. I buy a shower curtain. I go to shower. I try to set up the shower curtain.

What? I need shower curtain rings? They don't come with?

Expect alot of this. I'd estimate there are 50-100 small items you just need to have. I ended up just walking through the aisles... "is THIS something I have in my present apartment?"

Make sure you have scissors, by the way.
posted by effugas at 10:30 AM on September 27, 2005

(In case anyone's looking for relevance -- housemates have a way of taking care of all those little things for you.)
posted by effugas at 10:30 AM on September 27, 2005

Make sure you have scissors, by the way.

And sellotape when you just bought a present and wrapping paper and got home after the shops closed and your friend's birthday party is this evening and you can't wrap their present up and have to give it to them in a carrier bag.
/last week's lesson.

For non-essential 'Oooh, I must get one of those' moments, I recommend keeping a list and only shopping periodically so you can prioritise the many, many of them. It might only be a cheap little thing, but 50 cheap little things ain't cheap.
posted by penguin pie at 12:02 PM on September 27, 2005

I'm an introvert too. I lived with roommates all through college, but now I live alone and I LOVE it. I'm a controlfreak and a neatfreak, so living alone allows me to really indulge in my -freak tendencies. My things are always where I left them, I'm not cleaning up after anyone else, and my food is always there when I go to eat it. I generally just keep the TV on for background noise. RE: the social aspect, being an introvert I love the fact that I can spend time with friends and then retreat to my place when I need alone time again.

What's not to love? It's expensive. Paying all of the rent and utilities by yourself gets to be a drag. For me, being a girl that lives alone, it's also a security concern. Sometimes I would like to have someone else around just in case something bad happens. And you have to have all of your own supplies, because unless you're friendly with the neighbors, there is no one around to borrow from.

Oh, and desuetude is right - cooking for one is a unique challenge. You will discover that the freezer is your best friend, and you will end up bringing a lot of food to work to share :)
posted by geeky at 1:54 PM on September 27, 2005

I love living alone.

One thing I'd never have thought of beforehand, though, is that it's very important to invite people over to your place now and then, even if it's inconvenient.

This isn't just because it's good to spend some time with people; you could just as easily do that at restaurants or bars or a friend's place. It's something much subtler.

Once you've had a friend or two sitting at your table or watching movies with you or just hanging out and talking on your sofa, then your house or apartment has a different feel to it. When you go home alone at the end of a long day you're still in the world somehow, not retreating off to some isolated private cave.

Most of the time this doesn't matter, especially if you're introverted and relatively self-sufficient, but there will be times (the "lonely Tuesday nights" RJR mentioned) when if no one knows where you are at all, you can feel dangerously out of reach.
posted by tangerine at 5:34 PM on September 27, 2005 [1 favorite]

I second effugas and penguin pie on all that stuff.

Also, go ahead and cut corners. For instance, after living without an iron for months, I had to break down and get one. But the ironing board seems like a waste -- I clear off the kitchen counter and put a towel down.

On the cooking alone: make sure you have some food that's reasonably nutritious, shelf-stable, filling, and takes almost no time/energy to prepare. (For me: couscous w/spices, cornmeal mush w/instant cornmeal, pasta. All of which are good with a large hunk of butter.) I'm a huge food-lover, but sometimes it's too much effort and you have to just get something in your belly so that you don't feel like crap in the mornng. Without anyone else around to normalize your sense of time, it's easier to have short episodes of despondancy. Not depression for real, necessarily, just little moments.

On the up side, you save on A/C in the summer with the nudity. Did I mention the clothing-optionalness of it all?
posted by desuetude at 7:58 PM on September 27, 2005