Got period right before big romantic getaway, can this trip be saved?
August 3, 2013 5:10 PM Subscribe
(NSFW) The boyfriend are supposed to leave for a big romantic getaway tomorrow, but I just got my period. How can we still have fun together?
The longer version: we have been planning this getaway for months and I never even gave a second's thought to this because my cycle is very irregular, and is very long, so this issue does not come up that often. But through one of those weird happenstances of timing, I have been having signs all week and now it looks like it's on the way. We have a special room with a hot tub and everything; I am beyond disappointed.
The boy, to his credit, doesn't seem to care that much, and said he is still quite happy to frolic in the hot tub, cuddle and even have, um, relations. I am not quite there on that last part. I can't get past the ick factor (it's blood!) and since I don't wear tampons, I don't exactly feel my sexiest during this time. I was so looking forward to this and now it all feels ruined. Either I need an attitude adjustment because this is really okay, or I just need some more creative ideas for ways we can still enjoy ourselves...
Help me, Hive Mind! Can my romantic getaway be saved?
The longer version: we have been planning this getaway for months and I never even gave a second's thought to this because my cycle is very irregular, and is very long, so this issue does not come up that often. But through one of those weird happenstances of timing, I have been having signs all week and now it looks like it's on the way. We have a special room with a hot tub and everything; I am beyond disappointed.
The boy, to his credit, doesn't seem to care that much, and said he is still quite happy to frolic in the hot tub, cuddle and even have, um, relations. I am not quite there on that last part. I can't get past the ick factor (it's blood!) and since I don't wear tampons, I don't exactly feel my sexiest during this time. I was so looking forward to this and now it all feels ruined. Either I need an attitude adjustment because this is really okay, or I just need some more creative ideas for ways we can still enjoy ourselves...
Help me, Hive Mind! Can my romantic getaway be saved?
Best answer: I can't get past the ick factor (it's blood!)
When you really get to thinking about sex... it's ALL 'icky'! I mean with the fluids and the slapping-together of parts and the shoving of things into other things... sex is bizarre. Adding in one more (perfectly normal and frequent) aspect of the female body doesn't make much of a difference, does it?
posted by showbiz_liz at 5:18 PM on August 3, 2013 [23 favorites]
When you really get to thinking about sex... it's ALL 'icky'! I mean with the fluids and the slapping-together of parts and the shoving of things into other things... sex is bizarre. Adding in one more (perfectly normal and frequent) aspect of the female body doesn't make much of a difference, does it?
posted by showbiz_liz at 5:18 PM on August 3, 2013 [23 favorites]
I have had sex with an Instead cup in, and while my partner could feel it a little, sex was both totally on and only very slightly messier than non-period sex, as long as I emptied it first.
posted by KathrynT at 5:24 PM on August 3, 2013 [11 favorites]
posted by KathrynT at 5:24 PM on August 3, 2013 [11 favorites]
Sea sponges are great! Just keep in mind that you have to empty them more often, particularly before relations. Also if you're squeamish about blood they might not be the best solution.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 5:25 PM on August 3, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 5:25 PM on August 3, 2013 [1 favorite]
To be honest, this is exactly why I keep a pack of birth control pills around, even though I don't actually take the pill for birth control anymore ... (don't tell my gyno!) So that may be a (medically dubious) solution.
But also, if you're boyfriend is ok with it, then maybe this is a chance for you to get ok with it too? I was really surprised the first time a guy I was with actually wanted to have sex when I was on my period, but it's true that it really isn't a big deal, even if you use pads. Just shower first (as much for your own comfort as his!) and give it a shot.
Oh, also, try a divacup or similar. I've never been able to use tampons because of the way my uterus curves, but divacups have worked for me. Then at least you don't have to deal with pad grossness, and you can go in the hot tub! Supposedly you can even have sex with them in, though I haven't tried - but at the very least, he can go down on you without you being distracted worrying about your flow.
posted by the essence of class and fanciness at 5:26 PM on August 3, 2013
But also, if you're boyfriend is ok with it, then maybe this is a chance for you to get ok with it too? I was really surprised the first time a guy I was with actually wanted to have sex when I was on my period, but it's true that it really isn't a big deal, even if you use pads. Just shower first (as much for your own comfort as his!) and give it a shot.
Oh, also, try a divacup or similar. I've never been able to use tampons because of the way my uterus curves, but divacups have worked for me. Then at least you don't have to deal with pad grossness, and you can go in the hot tub! Supposedly you can even have sex with them in, though I haven't tried - but at the very least, he can go down on you without you being distracted worrying about your flow.
posted by the essence of class and fanciness at 5:26 PM on August 3, 2013
You can't have sex with a divacup in. It has a very pointy end and sits low in your vagina. An instead cup, on the otherhand, is totally wearable during sex because it fits over your cervix.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 5:27 PM on August 3, 2013 [12 favorites]
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 5:27 PM on August 3, 2013 [12 favorites]
It's totally okay to be okay with it, and just as totally okay to not be. It's your body and you get to decide what you like doing with it! Nothing in your question leads me to believe that your BF sounds like the kind of dude who would pressure you into doing something you don't really wanna do, but nevertheless it never hurts to remind yourself that yeah, you never have to do stuff that you're not totally down for, no matter how long you've been planning a special occasion.
THAT SAID there are menstrual cups you can still sex up while wearing.
posted by elizardbits at 5:32 PM on August 3, 2013 [1 favorite]
THAT SAID there are menstrual cups you can still sex up while wearing.
posted by elizardbits at 5:32 PM on August 3, 2013 [1 favorite]
Another vote for sponges -- I got mine specifically so that I could have sex on my period, and it works great.
posted by Pwoink at 5:32 PM on August 3, 2013
posted by Pwoink at 5:32 PM on August 3, 2013
Go to a thrift shop (or Goodwill or Big Lots) and buy some cheap towels to lay on the bed. You can pitch them in the trash (small cost compared to the rest of the vacation) or put them in a trashbag and wash them when you get back (I'd recommend black or brown in that case).
posted by 445supermag at 5:36 PM on August 3, 2013 [4 favorites]
posted by 445supermag at 5:36 PM on August 3, 2013 [4 favorites]
Thirding the Instead cup, which I tried for the first time in a nearly-identical situation to yours. Now I love the thing! That said, almost every guy I've dated has honestly had no problem with the idea of period sex. This was a revelation to me, and I still am not a fan of the idea of the mess - but with the Instead cup it's never been a mess! So that helped me get over the ick factor.
posted by pemberkins at 5:36 PM on August 3, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by pemberkins at 5:36 PM on August 3, 2013 [1 favorite]
Towels + access to a shower = no problem. Its not ideal, but, uh, its an interesting experience (so I hear) and with all the natural lube it can work pretty well (so I hear)
posted by Jacen at 5:42 PM on August 3, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by Jacen at 5:42 PM on August 3, 2013 [1 favorite]
Of course planetessimal is right, you shouldn't have sex if you're uncomfortable. From the way your question is worded, though, it seems like you want to. If that's the case I'm here to cast another vote for Instead cups. I've used them for beach trips with sexytimes and have had no issues.
posted by goggie at 5:58 PM on August 3, 2013
posted by goggie at 5:58 PM on August 3, 2013
If you do decide to go ahead with having somewhat bloody sex, ibuprofen can significantly cut back on the volume of blood you're dealing with. How effective it is varies from person to person, but I can all but turn my period off with it -- it means the period drags out for days and days longer than it would have otherwise, but on days when I take it, a single pantyliner will pretty much be enough, where normally I'd go through 3 super tampons.
posted by jacquilynne at 6:05 PM on August 3, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by jacquilynne at 6:05 PM on August 3, 2013 [2 favorites]
Another vote for Instead cups (or actually Softcup is the kind I use). No leakage at all.
posted by entropyiswinning at 6:05 PM on August 3, 2013
posted by entropyiswinning at 6:05 PM on August 3, 2013
Personally, I'd be doing what 445mag suggested with the cheap towels, and I'm sure all the other suggestions work just as well. But....
If you end up deciding you can't go through with it, instead of looking at it as a missed opportunity, why not use it as a way to try something totally new!
posted by Room 641-A at 6:44 PM on August 3, 2013 [1 favorite]
If you end up deciding you can't go through with it, instead of looking at it as a missed opportunity, why not use it as a way to try something totally new!
posted by Room 641-A at 6:44 PM on August 3, 2013 [1 favorite]
Instead! Problem solved! Go out to the pharmacy now, and then you have time to go to another one if they don't have. I don't know about [your city], but it's a giant place, I hear. A sea sponge for me ranks far below Instead.
posted by skbw at 6:45 PM on August 3, 2013
posted by skbw at 6:45 PM on August 3, 2013
I also haven't used tampons in a long time, so I have some experience with this.
You can experiment with sex that is not penis-in-vagina, if you and your boyfriend are interested in that. All the usual foreplay and then a handjob, a blowjob, frottage, using a little lube and letting your partner get off between your thighs or breasts, or letting him finish himself are all options for his orgasm. He can also get you off with his hand (he could wear a glove if you felt uncomfortable with him touching you when you're bleeding, and/or touch you through panties while you wear a pad), or you can also do frottage (if he has a nice thigh muscle this can be great), or finish yourself.
My partner and I use incontenence pads for messy sex of any kind; they're absorbent and waterproof so there's no risk of leak-through, and I prefer the cottony finish on them to terry cloth towels underneath me.
If you're interested in vaginal sex during your period, I've actually done it without a tampon or anything in, as both a receiver and a giver. My experience with doing any kind of penetration on a woman having her period is that it just feels extra wet, which is not necessarily a bad thing at all. I'm, of course, also a woman so have done it with fingers, and either wearing a glove for easy peel-off cleanup or just washing right after has worked for me--the analogy might be your partner using a condom even if he doesn't usually.
My partner often cleans me up after sex using either baby wipes or a warm damp washcloth (we use a lot of lube). It feels very nurturing to have him do this while I'm lying there in my post-coital state of deep relaxation, and means I don't have to jump right up to clean myself up. Also, I don't bleed anymore, but when I did, having my partner do cleanup on me while I relaxed helped me sort of not notice that I was bleeding, if that makes sense, and helped reassure me that he really wasn't bothered by the bleeding.
That said, there's no law that says you have to have sex when you're bleeding if you're not comfortable with it, or just don't feel sexy. It sounds like you have a really understanding boyfriend, so take advantage of that to have a wonderful, loving, intimate trip whether it involves sex or not. I understand your disappointment, and it can take some time and effort to adjust to a change in your expectations when you've been looking forward to a romantic trip with sex (I know it does for me--I often resist reality for awhile before finally giving in to it), but there are lots of ways to be intimate, cuddly, and loving even if sex isn't in the cards.
Have a wonderful time.
posted by not that girl at 6:46 PM on August 3, 2013 [10 favorites]
You can experiment with sex that is not penis-in-vagina, if you and your boyfriend are interested in that. All the usual foreplay and then a handjob, a blowjob, frottage, using a little lube and letting your partner get off between your thighs or breasts, or letting him finish himself are all options for his orgasm. He can also get you off with his hand (he could wear a glove if you felt uncomfortable with him touching you when you're bleeding, and/or touch you through panties while you wear a pad), or you can also do frottage (if he has a nice thigh muscle this can be great), or finish yourself.
My partner and I use incontenence pads for messy sex of any kind; they're absorbent and waterproof so there's no risk of leak-through, and I prefer the cottony finish on them to terry cloth towels underneath me.
If you're interested in vaginal sex during your period, I've actually done it without a tampon or anything in, as both a receiver and a giver. My experience with doing any kind of penetration on a woman having her period is that it just feels extra wet, which is not necessarily a bad thing at all. I'm, of course, also a woman so have done it with fingers, and either wearing a glove for easy peel-off cleanup or just washing right after has worked for me--the analogy might be your partner using a condom even if he doesn't usually.
My partner often cleans me up after sex using either baby wipes or a warm damp washcloth (we use a lot of lube). It feels very nurturing to have him do this while I'm lying there in my post-coital state of deep relaxation, and means I don't have to jump right up to clean myself up. Also, I don't bleed anymore, but when I did, having my partner do cleanup on me while I relaxed helped me sort of not notice that I was bleeding, if that makes sense, and helped reassure me that he really wasn't bothered by the bleeding.
That said, there's no law that says you have to have sex when you're bleeding if you're not comfortable with it, or just don't feel sexy. It sounds like you have a really understanding boyfriend, so take advantage of that to have a wonderful, loving, intimate trip whether it involves sex or not. I understand your disappointment, and it can take some time and effort to adjust to a change in your expectations when you've been looking forward to a romantic trip with sex (I know it does for me--I often resist reality for awhile before finally giving in to it), but there are lots of ways to be intimate, cuddly, and loving even if sex isn't in the cards.
Have a wonderful time.
posted by not that girl at 6:46 PM on August 3, 2013 [10 favorites]
I have very fond memories of having sex on my period. It is messy and not for everyone. If you decide to give it a try just have towels on whatever you are on, or a sheet that you can wash, and go for it. You can jump in the shower afterwards and clean one another up, leading of course, to more fun.
Or skip the whole thing and snuggle. Snuggling is good too.
posted by cairnoflore at 8:27 PM on August 3, 2013 [1 favorite]
Or skip the whole thing and snuggle. Snuggling is good too.
posted by cairnoflore at 8:27 PM on August 3, 2013 [1 favorite]
Yet another vote for the Instead cup. Works perfectly for just such occasions. : )
posted by SisterHavana at 9:14 PM on August 3, 2013
posted by SisterHavana at 9:14 PM on August 3, 2013
It's totally fine to not be cool with period sex, but (TMI alert!) period sex has been some of the best sex of my life. Just put down a towel! Or not. Whatever works.
posted by ablazingsaddle at 11:49 PM on August 3, 2013 [4 favorites]
posted by ablazingsaddle at 11:49 PM on August 3, 2013 [4 favorites]
If you want a new perspective, Christian Drake's poem Bloodbath is the most enthusiastic ode to period sex possible. The bulk of it is, as I said, enthusiastic and therefore graphic. The end:
Because this lovemaking is no less perfect
than the moon rising in you, and this lovemaking is the gospel music
made by the rhythm of flesh and blood and flesh and blood,
and this blood is the closest I will ever be to making love
to your insides, sailing through your veins and arteries.
This blood on my skin is the photograph I take when I visit your heart.
posted by Homeboy Trouble at 3:01 AM on August 4, 2013 [10 favorites]
Because this lovemaking is no less perfect
than the moon rising in you, and this lovemaking is the gospel music
made by the rhythm of flesh and blood and flesh and blood,
and this blood is the closest I will ever be to making love
to your insides, sailing through your veins and arteries.
This blood on my skin is the photograph I take when I visit your heart.
posted by Homeboy Trouble at 3:01 AM on August 4, 2013 [10 favorites]
Try in the shower - warm water relaxes, you are both wet and anything that flows out of you just mixes with the water and goes out the drain. There are no stains and hopefully no ick factor.
posted by travelwithcats at 3:13 AM on August 4, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by travelwithcats at 3:13 AM on August 4, 2013 [1 favorite]
A friend gave me a diva cup a while back (like, more than a year ago!) I love the thing except on days when I don't get a good, um, seal. And on days when I don't have access to clean running water at the times I need to empty it. But mostly, it's love.
It's true that you couldn't have sex with this particular cup in, but I'm here to sing the praises of cups. La la laaaaaaaa praise to the cup. Get a cup. If you hate it, tell yourself that it's less expensive than a pair of shoes, and way less expensive than this weekend. but maybe continue trying it one more time the next month. If you love it, then you will really love it.
I have no personal experience with a sea sponge, but have heard people (with a less voluminous flow than mine) who love love love them too.
As for the question about your attitude adjustment, no, I don't think you need one. This is your body. You get to have whatever attitude you want about it. You can do fun sexy things that are not penetration. You can try penetration and decide you don't like it. You can try p in v sex and discover that it's amazing. You can also enjoy the hot tub and the rest of the location in romantic ways that are not sexual. Hanging out in sweat pants and lamenting that your weekend is ruined might not be the most fun way for your boyfriend to approach the time, but you could choose to do that.
Go forth. Have fun, in whatever ways you want. You'll learn something about yourself, and about your boyfriend on this trip, and that alone will be worth it.
posted by bilabial at 4:34 AM on August 4, 2013
It's true that you couldn't have sex with this particular cup in, but I'm here to sing the praises of cups. La la laaaaaaaa praise to the cup. Get a cup. If you hate it, tell yourself that it's less expensive than a pair of shoes, and way less expensive than this weekend. but maybe continue trying it one more time the next month. If you love it, then you will really love it.
I have no personal experience with a sea sponge, but have heard people (with a less voluminous flow than mine) who love love love them too.
As for the question about your attitude adjustment, no, I don't think you need one. This is your body. You get to have whatever attitude you want about it. You can do fun sexy things that are not penetration. You can try penetration and decide you don't like it. You can try p in v sex and discover that it's amazing. You can also enjoy the hot tub and the rest of the location in romantic ways that are not sexual. Hanging out in sweat pants and lamenting that your weekend is ruined might not be the most fun way for your boyfriend to approach the time, but you could choose to do that.
Go forth. Have fun, in whatever ways you want. You'll learn something about yourself, and about your boyfriend on this trip, and that alone will be worth it.
posted by bilabial at 4:34 AM on August 4, 2013
male perspective: blood (generally) is kinda awesome. if the boy he says he's fine with it, believe him.
posted by jpe at 7:07 AM on August 4, 2013
posted by jpe at 7:07 AM on August 4, 2013
I can't tell if your period is "coming" or actually here? I have a friend who doesn't normally take birth control, but will take it to stave off a period. I don't know exactly how it works, (ie: what pills to take? and for how long?) but that may be an idea.
So first: Totally trust your man that he is cool with it! With the exception of an immature guy from my younger years, this isn't something that men seem to care about. So trust when he says he's fine with it.
Also: It is totally ok to not have sex if you decide you don't want to. Could be an awesome time to try different physically intimate things, massages, hot tubs, make outs in the shower, etc!
Tampons: You don't use them, not sure why, but have you ever tried non-applicator tampons--o.b.? They are way easier for many women to use. My flow usually stops completely or gets so so light when I'm in the water, so if the hot tub is private in your room maybe you could get away with nothing?
Suitcase: Make sure to back some condoms, gloves, advil or other pill you take for period relief, anything else that will make you physically feel better during your period, so you will have less to worry about.
You can make this work--it's all state of mind--no matter what you do physically. Hope you two have fun!!
posted by manicure12 at 5:08 PM on August 4, 2013
So first: Totally trust your man that he is cool with it! With the exception of an immature guy from my younger years, this isn't something that men seem to care about. So trust when he says he's fine with it.
Also: It is totally ok to not have sex if you decide you don't want to. Could be an awesome time to try different physically intimate things, massages, hot tubs, make outs in the shower, etc!
Tampons: You don't use them, not sure why, but have you ever tried non-applicator tampons--o.b.? They are way easier for many women to use. My flow usually stops completely or gets so so light when I'm in the water, so if the hot tub is private in your room maybe you could get away with nothing?
Suitcase: Make sure to back some condoms, gloves, advil or other pill you take for period relief, anything else that will make you physically feel better during your period, so you will have less to worry about.
You can make this work--it's all state of mind--no matter what you do physically. Hope you two have fun!!
posted by manicure12 at 5:08 PM on August 4, 2013
Anecdotally, sex with a Diva Cup is totally possible! Cut the pointy end bit off completely, empty it first, and then try a spooning, closed legs, "man behind" approach. My boyfriend is slightly above average sized, and this position works well. He feels the cup, but not much, and doesn't mind.
posted by hasna at 6:56 PM on August 5, 2013
posted by hasna at 6:56 PM on August 5, 2013
agree with jpe - I didn't believe my boyfriend the first time he told me he wanted to have sex while I was on my period, but now realize he *genuinely* does not care. Does that mean he would prefer it to non-period sex? Probably not. But in his mind, it's better than no sex.
The important thing, as others note, is to figure out what you're comfortable with. Some of this will probably depend on your flow and crampy-ness - but if you're otherwise feeling good, maybe start off slow in the shower, where any mess will be cleaned up automatically.
Another one that's worked great for us is lots of foreplay and teasing and then you lay face down on the bed. Have your partner put lots of lube on your butt cheeks and then rub himself between them. It will give him a great visual and sensation and allow you to get involved (grinding, squeezing your cheeks, etc) with no uncomfortable penetration.
posted by Bokonon11 at 3:43 PM on August 6, 2013
The important thing, as others note, is to figure out what you're comfortable with. Some of this will probably depend on your flow and crampy-ness - but if you're otherwise feeling good, maybe start off slow in the shower, where any mess will be cleaned up automatically.
Another one that's worked great for us is lots of foreplay and teasing and then you lay face down on the bed. Have your partner put lots of lube on your butt cheeks and then rub himself between them. It will give him a great visual and sensation and allow you to get involved (grinding, squeezing your cheeks, etc) with no uncomfortable penetration.
posted by Bokonon11 at 3:43 PM on August 6, 2013
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by DarlingBri at 5:17 PM on August 3, 2013 [4 favorites]