How can I be more expressive?
July 25, 2013 7:21 PM Subscribe
I speak "flatly", with little inflection, tonal variation, or expressiveness. How can I change?
I've received feedback lately that I am not very expressive in my day-to-day verbal communication. I'd like to change this, as I feel like I have strong communication skills in other areas. In my theater and Toastmasters experience, I've never gotten this sort of feedback – just when I'm not deliberately performing.
What concrete things can I do to make progress towards being a more expressive person? I don't want to feel like I'm putting on a performance all the time. Should I be seeking professional-level help with this sort of thing, or can I make progress on my own?
I've received feedback lately that I am not very expressive in my day-to-day verbal communication. I'd like to change this, as I feel like I have strong communication skills in other areas. In my theater and Toastmasters experience, I've never gotten this sort of feedback – just when I'm not deliberately performing.
What concrete things can I do to make progress towards being a more expressive person? I don't want to feel like I'm putting on a performance all the time. Should I be seeking professional-level help with this sort of thing, or can I make progress on my own?
Does your Toastmasters club do any socializing outside of meetings? If so, maybe ask if you're coming off "flat" there (by comparison with in-meeting speech, where you'd be getting evaluations anyway). If you have a mentor in the club, that might be a good person to ask for an opinion, or anyone else whose informal expression you admire. Lots of people in Toastmasters are trying to work on their social communication skills as well as the more formal speechifying.
posted by asperity at 8:57 PM on July 25, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by asperity at 8:57 PM on July 25, 2013 [2 favorites]
I don't want to feel like I'm putting on a performance all the time
My own experience has been that I have to actively choose to talk with more variation in tone if I want certain sorts of people to be able to feel I don't speak flatly. It doesn't always feel like a performance, sometimes it feels more like reading a story to a small child. (This probably depends more on how I feel about the person I am speaking to.) If you get used to it, it works just like code-switching and you use certain manners of speaking in certain situations.
Flat speech isn't necessarily the only issue that brought on this feedback, unless the person who said this to you has experience with these sorts of things you might look at other things you can do to seem more *expressive*. Lack of gestures might result in someone telling you something like this, as well as just being less talkative in general. Word choice also has a big effect on how your level of expressiveness is perceived -- if you say "I'm going to visit my Aunt Martha", you can say something about how you are excited to see her, or nervous about telling her something, or sad that she's ill -- this adds back in some of what some people want from ""
Adding in those "ums" and "ahs" that Toastmasters urges you to rid yourself of back into casual everyday conversation can help.
You don't have to do it around everyone, some people can see your expresssiveness in your everyday speech and communication just fine. Generally, close friends of mine aren't bothered by my usual speech, and don't seem to have any difficulty in perceiving how I am expressing myself if I'm excited, sad, joking, etc. People who are bothered by it aren't likely to become close friends. Changing your speech pattern can become a habit, and it might become easier, but it might not ever become relaxing.
Professional level help? It sounds like you have the ability to tell what communication style you are using and change it. You can probably do it on your own, but if your boss told you to do this you might seek help simply to show that you are taking the issue seriously. If you have other professional reasons for working on this, or want to improve in a short time, a professional might be cost effective. Speech therapist, image consultant, acting coach. If it's your boss, and they don't know you've done Toastmasters, then Toastmasters.
If someone you are dating or in a relationship has said they want you to change this, give some serious thought as to whether you want to be constantly policing your own speech patterns in this relationship. It's likely you'll slip into old patterns if you are tired or in a bad mood, and it's very difficult to be genuine (as in ACTUALLY being yourself, rather than creating the impression in the other person that you are being genuine) if you are having to keep some of your awareness on having an acceptable speech pattern. Consider how much the person really accepts and is really willing to understand you if the way you usually talk isn't something they are comfortable with -- some people cannot accept what you say without this expressiveness, and are not willing to meet you halfway by changing how they perceive your so-called "flat" speech.
If you are tackling it yourself, video camera with a good quality microphone and some friends who don't mind you recording will be helpful for improving F2F communications. If you want to work on how you sound on podcasts or conference calls, just audio is fine. Gesturing can often help with voice inflection when the listener only has the audio, so try that too.
On last thing -- you mention theater experience. If you are getting this sort of feedback from people who have seen you performing, and are expecting you to be more expressive in person, it's not you it's them. It is completely unreasonable to expect a performer to put off the same energy in personal interactions as on stage. That said, you might have good reasons to want to come off as a bit more expressive to particular people, or in particular situations, even if that's the case. There are many things that might be related to theater work that can be viewed as performing, and you don't have to change everything about yourself in your private life because of the demands of your public persona (unless you want to).
posted by yohko at 9:06 PM on July 25, 2013 [3 favorites]
My own experience has been that I have to actively choose to talk with more variation in tone if I want certain sorts of people to be able to feel I don't speak flatly. It doesn't always feel like a performance, sometimes it feels more like reading a story to a small child. (This probably depends more on how I feel about the person I am speaking to.) If you get used to it, it works just like code-switching and you use certain manners of speaking in certain situations.
Flat speech isn't necessarily the only issue that brought on this feedback, unless the person who said this to you has experience with these sorts of things you might look at other things you can do to seem more *expressive*. Lack of gestures might result in someone telling you something like this, as well as just being less talkative in general. Word choice also has a big effect on how your level of expressiveness is perceived -- if you say "I'm going to visit my Aunt Martha", you can say something about how you are excited to see her, or nervous about telling her something, or sad that she's ill -- this adds back in some of what some people want from ""
Adding in those "ums" and "ahs" that Toastmasters urges you to rid yourself of back into casual everyday conversation can help.
You don't have to do it around everyone, some people can see your expresssiveness in your everyday speech and communication just fine. Generally, close friends of mine aren't bothered by my usual speech, and don't seem to have any difficulty in perceiving how I am expressing myself if I'm excited, sad, joking, etc. People who are bothered by it aren't likely to become close friends. Changing your speech pattern can become a habit, and it might become easier, but it might not ever become relaxing.
Professional level help? It sounds like you have the ability to tell what communication style you are using and change it. You can probably do it on your own, but if your boss told you to do this you might seek help simply to show that you are taking the issue seriously. If you have other professional reasons for working on this, or want to improve in a short time, a professional might be cost effective. Speech therapist, image consultant, acting coach. If it's your boss, and they don't know you've done Toastmasters, then Toastmasters.
If someone you are dating or in a relationship has said they want you to change this, give some serious thought as to whether you want to be constantly policing your own speech patterns in this relationship. It's likely you'll slip into old patterns if you are tired or in a bad mood, and it's very difficult to be genuine (as in ACTUALLY being yourself, rather than creating the impression in the other person that you are being genuine) if you are having to keep some of your awareness on having an acceptable speech pattern. Consider how much the person really accepts and is really willing to understand you if the way you usually talk isn't something they are comfortable with -- some people cannot accept what you say without this expressiveness, and are not willing to meet you halfway by changing how they perceive your so-called "flat" speech.
If you are tackling it yourself, video camera with a good quality microphone and some friends who don't mind you recording will be helpful for improving F2F communications. If you want to work on how you sound on podcasts or conference calls, just audio is fine. Gesturing can often help with voice inflection when the listener only has the audio, so try that too.
On last thing -- you mention theater experience. If you are getting this sort of feedback from people who have seen you performing, and are expecting you to be more expressive in person, it's not you it's them. It is completely unreasonable to expect a performer to put off the same energy in personal interactions as on stage. That said, you might have good reasons to want to come off as a bit more expressive to particular people, or in particular situations, even if that's the case. There are many things that might be related to theater work that can be viewed as performing, and you don't have to change everything about yourself in your private life because of the demands of your public persona (unless you want to).
posted by yohko at 9:06 PM on July 25, 2013 [3 favorites]
This may sound a little out of left-field, but I'm someone who does voice work. There are role models to follow to be more expressive, and one of the easiest is Kurt Anderson, host of the show Studio 360. Listen to him. Emulate his affect. Even if you're at 60% Kurt Anderson levels you're doing great.
posted by to sir with millipedes at 9:57 PM on July 25, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by to sir with millipedes at 9:57 PM on July 25, 2013 [2 favorites]
Record yourself. Just speaking as you normally do, maybe reading some not-too-complex passages from books or magazines or the newspaper. Then listen to yourself. It will take a while to get over the "Oh my god do I sound like that I hate my voice oh my god!" feeling. Do this periodically and I bet you won't actually have to try to have more variation in your inflection, it will just happen.
posted by under_petticoat_rule at 10:17 PM on July 25, 2013
posted by under_petticoat_rule at 10:17 PM on July 25, 2013
Find somebody you admire and steal their inflections and mannerisms, until it becomes natural.
It's best if you don't do this when they're around though, it leads to awkwardness. I think that's what Tom Cruise said he did as a kid. I don't normally take advice from celebrities but I think there's some truth to his advice. It's cultural, we're all cribbing from somebody.
posted by hobo gitano de queretaro at 10:19 PM on July 25, 2013 [3 favorites]
It's best if you don't do this when they're around though, it leads to awkwardness. I think that's what Tom Cruise said he did as a kid. I don't normally take advice from celebrities but I think there's some truth to his advice. It's cultural, we're all cribbing from somebody.
posted by hobo gitano de queretaro at 10:19 PM on July 25, 2013 [3 favorites]
I used to get this a lot because I have a flat-sounding speaking voice and also because I tend to be quiet and just nod, rather than verbally agreeing a lot.
I've never really tried to change the sound of my voice or mannerisms. My solution was just to be more explicit- if I think something is awesome, I say "Wow that's awesome!" If I'm in a job interview I say "This job sounds really good for me because ______." I think sincerity and being direct always wins out over play-acting.
posted by drjimmy11 at 12:25 AM on July 26, 2013 [3 favorites]
I've never really tried to change the sound of my voice or mannerisms. My solution was just to be more explicit- if I think something is awesome, I say "Wow that's awesome!" If I'm in a job interview I say "This job sounds really good for me because ______." I think sincerity and being direct always wins out over play-acting.
posted by drjimmy11 at 12:25 AM on July 26, 2013 [3 favorites]
What I'm trying to say is that, for me, "expressiveness" is a matter of just that- expressing myself.
I tend to think that if I'm feeling it or thinking it inside, everyone on the outside can see it. But to them, I'm wearing a complete poker face. So I need to actually make a conscious effort to bring it out- not being "fake" or mindlessly chipper, but just letting people know with words or gestures when I'm feeling excited or enthusiastic or whatever.
posted by drjimmy11 at 12:32 AM on July 26, 2013 [2 favorites]
I tend to think that if I'm feeling it or thinking it inside, everyone on the outside can see it. But to them, I'm wearing a complete poker face. So I need to actually make a conscious effort to bring it out- not being "fake" or mindlessly chipper, but just letting people know with words or gestures when I'm feeling excited or enthusiastic or whatever.
posted by drjimmy11 at 12:32 AM on July 26, 2013 [2 favorites]
Dogs understand only your inflexions and body language. Take one for a walk and teach it a new trick. The same applies for babies and non English speakers.
posted by rongorongo at 4:17 AM on July 26, 2013
posted by rongorongo at 4:17 AM on July 26, 2013
In addition to your voice tone, think about your body gestures. People who gesture with hands are often seen as "more expressive." I'm not sure how you teach yourself this (I do it naturally, but I think it has something to do with imagining the tactile motion of what I am describing, and "acting it out") but it might help give a livelier impression to those you talk to.
posted by epanalepsis at 5:56 AM on July 26, 2013
posted by epanalepsis at 5:56 AM on July 26, 2013
Sounding better in your speech has as much to do with what you say as how you say it. I got some great advice around the time I was struggling with this, from one of Quentin Crisp's books. He said he used to get grief from a friend of his who complained that he always seemed unenthusiastic. When she would ask him how his day was, he'd answer with one or two words. He liked this woman and genuinely enjoyed their interaction, but somehow it wasn't coming through in his speech.
So he tried an experiment - he added some extras on to his responses. When she asked him if he wanted to go for a walk, instead of saying "Yes," he'd say, "Why, that sounds like a lovely idea." He kept doing that kind of thing, and people started telling him how dynamic and interesting he was, and how much fun to be around. So I'd recommend adding the extra things to bare statements of fact, if you have a habit of doing that.
Inflection and tone matter too. I'm a radio announcer, and when I have a bad day on the air I get SO MUCH CRAP about it from people who write in. Hate that! So when I feel foggy or otherwise under the weather, I pull out a few tricks that keep me sounding bright:
- Think of your sentences as line graphs. Imagine them as wavy and curvy rather than flat, and when you speak, vary your melody.
- Keep your tone raised toward the end of the sentence instead of dropping your voice, or fading away on the last word.
- Keep consonants crisp - enunciate well, but don't over-correct.
I like the advice upthread about recording yourself. You'll find that when you're genuinely interested in the person you're talking to, your voice will reflect your enthusiasm. Pay attention to what vocal aspects create those effects, and try to re-use them in your regular speech. Actors can do this and so can you. It's just a matter of becoming conscious of what you do and how you come off. And it's absolutely NOT cheating to pay attention to the effect you're having, and to strive to make it better. Have fun with it!
posted by cartoonella at 9:01 AM on July 26, 2013 [11 favorites]
So he tried an experiment - he added some extras on to his responses. When she asked him if he wanted to go for a walk, instead of saying "Yes," he'd say, "Why, that sounds like a lovely idea." He kept doing that kind of thing, and people started telling him how dynamic and interesting he was, and how much fun to be around. So I'd recommend adding the extra things to bare statements of fact, if you have a habit of doing that.
Inflection and tone matter too. I'm a radio announcer, and when I have a bad day on the air I get SO MUCH CRAP about it from people who write in. Hate that! So when I feel foggy or otherwise under the weather, I pull out a few tricks that keep me sounding bright:
- Think of your sentences as line graphs. Imagine them as wavy and curvy rather than flat, and when you speak, vary your melody.
- Keep your tone raised toward the end of the sentence instead of dropping your voice, or fading away on the last word.
- Keep consonants crisp - enunciate well, but don't over-correct.
I like the advice upthread about recording yourself. You'll find that when you're genuinely interested in the person you're talking to, your voice will reflect your enthusiasm. Pay attention to what vocal aspects create those effects, and try to re-use them in your regular speech. Actors can do this and so can you. It's just a matter of becoming conscious of what you do and how you come off. And it's absolutely NOT cheating to pay attention to the effect you're having, and to strive to make it better. Have fun with it!
posted by cartoonella at 9:01 AM on July 26, 2013 [11 favorites]
I am naturally pretty expressive so I don't know what it would be like to need to try consciously to be more so. But, I work with a couple of people with naturally flat affect, and here's what they've done.
One thing is, what you don't express through gestures or facial expressions, you can express through words. One guy I work with told me he deliberately says things like "I am very excited about this project" or "I am really happy to hear what you're saying." It's a kind of workaround I think -- it is more natural for him to describe an emotion than to express it, and so he was able to easily train himself to do it. And it has the same result.
It's also possible to pick the emotions that are easiest for you to express, and work on that area. For example one of my work friends is kind of funny (wry, witty) and so that's a form of expressiveness he can build on. Now he is seen as the guy with the dry sense of humour rather than the very reserved guy.
I've also seen people have some success in encouraging other to calibrate them differently. For example, my wry/funny friend explicitly says stuff like [small smile] "This is me being super-pleased with our results on this project." Acknowledging that you're restrained/reserved helps people understand and interpret you better. (The alternative is them thinking stuff like "Jane is never happy with anything we do.")
And: the person who talked upthread about modelling yourself on others is exactly right -- humans are mimicking creatures. So I would also suggest that you might try listening to talk radio or famous old speeches from good communicators such as Winston Churchill, Ronald Reagan or Bill Clinton. Hearing their cadence and tone might have an influence on your own verbal style, without you needing to actually make a deliberate effort.
I am not sure that e.g. recording yourself would help much because I think part of the issue is that to ourselves, we are all normal. So I don't think that you would naturally listen to yourself and think ooh flat affect. It's more of an exercise in rationality I think: "other people perceive me as flat affect, and therefore I need to get to a point where I'm experiencing myself as a little loud and overly expressive."
Good luck! I can tell you, this is totally fixable -- I know because I have friends who have fixed it :-)
posted by Susan PG at 1:43 PM on July 27, 2013
One thing is, what you don't express through gestures or facial expressions, you can express through words. One guy I work with told me he deliberately says things like "I am very excited about this project" or "I am really happy to hear what you're saying." It's a kind of workaround I think -- it is more natural for him to describe an emotion than to express it, and so he was able to easily train himself to do it. And it has the same result.
It's also possible to pick the emotions that are easiest for you to express, and work on that area. For example one of my work friends is kind of funny (wry, witty) and so that's a form of expressiveness he can build on. Now he is seen as the guy with the dry sense of humour rather than the very reserved guy.
I've also seen people have some success in encouraging other to calibrate them differently. For example, my wry/funny friend explicitly says stuff like [small smile] "This is me being super-pleased with our results on this project." Acknowledging that you're restrained/reserved helps people understand and interpret you better. (The alternative is them thinking stuff like "Jane is never happy with anything we do.")
And: the person who talked upthread about modelling yourself on others is exactly right -- humans are mimicking creatures. So I would also suggest that you might try listening to talk radio or famous old speeches from good communicators such as Winston Churchill, Ronald Reagan or Bill Clinton. Hearing their cadence and tone might have an influence on your own verbal style, without you needing to actually make a deliberate effort.
I am not sure that e.g. recording yourself would help much because I think part of the issue is that to ourselves, we are all normal. So I don't think that you would naturally listen to yourself and think ooh flat affect. It's more of an exercise in rationality I think: "other people perceive me as flat affect, and therefore I need to get to a point where I'm experiencing myself as a little loud and overly expressive."
Good luck! I can tell you, this is totally fixable -- I know because I have friends who have fixed it :-)
posted by Susan PG at 1:43 PM on July 27, 2013
This thread is closed to new comments.
In the first case, try to make more eye contact and smile, I think that helps. In the second case, meh. I wouldn't worry too much, but maybe smiling and eye contact could help.
As for me, I get a lot of the second, but I don't really care. I kind of like to be ambiguous in person. Hey, it works on the internet, you kind and lovely people.
posted by Literaryhero at 8:40 PM on July 25, 2013