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Is it time to break up?
July 11, 2013 12:31 PM   Subscribe

Is it time to break up finally? I'm fed up. But quite possibly I'm at fault.

Relationship of 5 years, early 20s.

He is routinely scatter-brained, has been diagnosed with ADD but is untreated and will not treat it, and has been thoughtless on too many occasions to count.

Right now things are rough for me financially. He has a great job but things are not going well for me at all. I am looking for a job and have recently paid off my debt, so at least there's that. It seems like it's on an almost daily basis that I am thought of last, but...when I bring it up, I am the bad guy. He shuts down, I'm being unreasonable, who cares what I want?

This may all be compounded by the fact that I have almost no food and have been subsisting on maybe 500 calories a day because of the lack of money for the past two weeks.

I have been scatterbrained too, I lost several cards and my keys as of a few days ago. Yesterday, I couldn't find my keys, but I needed to get out of the apartment so I walked downtown. I ended up locking myself and my wallet outside the apartment. It started storming so I went to the library so I could at least get water from the water fountain. I spent four hours there until they closed, and then after they closed, because it was pouring, sat under a bank drive-thru. I waited for two hours under the bank drive-thru for him to get off work to come get me (which is understandable of course. He had work). By that point, I was starving, grumpy, wet, and cold. Instead of driving to me, I had to walk through the rain across a large parking lot. Yes, that sounds completely diva-like, but if he had no food and was wet and grumpy and waiting for me for two hours, I would easily drive my car across the parking lot to get him.

Today I was again stuck in the house all day, no keys, no food. He went out to dinner to get fancy sushi with his coworkers, wouldn't return any of my calls, and then surprised me by coming home with both of them without giving me even 10 minutes warning (I haven't showered, I'm depressed, I look disgusting.) I ran into the shower, while I heard them all walking around the whole apartment laughing while I stood in a cold shower (it takes 5 minutes to warm up, our bathroom door doesn't close) just to hide from them.

Then they leave and I call him when I get out of my shower and I find out they're going to a bar and he will be home late. I have no food, no keys (I will be taking care of that in the next couple days, hopefully if I find a ride to the dealer), and then I basically have to beg him to agree to take me to Walmart to get some food when gets back (but it will be late, and he has work in the morning he says!).

Edit: So he said he'd be home around 11, but it's almost 2 now. Which is fine if he would have let me know, just a quick text. But he said he lost track of time (from 9 to 2 am?)

So should I just break up with him? Is this the final straw after five years? Or am I being a diva and is this being compounded by my grumpiness due to eating only a banana and old cheese today? I am just frustrated and crying and hungry and fed up.

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (124 answers total) 20 users marked this as a favorite
 
The thing is, you don't need an excuse to end a relationship you aren't happy in other than the fact that you aren't happy. I wish I had known this so much earlier in my life.
posted by Nimmie Amee at 12:33 PM on July 11, 2013 [88 favorites]


This relationship is already over. He has entered the phase of being a bad boyfriend to make you be the one to break it off so he doesn't have to be the bad guy. Yes, I know that's ironic or something, but he's done. You should be too.
posted by Etrigan at 12:35 PM on July 11, 2013 [42 favorites]


Anyone who will let you starve like that?

Yep, end it.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 12:35 PM on July 11, 2013 [40 favorites]


He can go out for sushi but not help out his hungry girlfriend? You are not being a diva. I think you know the answer to your question
posted by Requiax at 12:36 PM on July 11, 2013 [25 favorites]


I've been in just such a relationship with just such a guy. Bail now. This is not going to get better.
posted by LN at 12:37 PM on July 11, 2013 [1 favorite]


I'm so distressed for you. He's letting you starve while he's out having a good time? WTF?

Personally, if you can go home to your parents, I'd pack my bag and do it yesterday. Just leave and take your stuff with you.

Yes, break up with him. He's pretty much broken up with you except for letting you hang out at his place.

I wouldn't even have it out with him. Just be gone. Do you have anyone you can call who can help you? Can you go home to your folks?

I'm worried for you.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 12:37 PM on July 11, 2013 [30 favorites]


not wanting to be with someone is a great reason to break up.

also, i don't know the details of how you got here, but i wouldn't let even a roommate live on 500 calories a day if i was eating expensive sushi and going to bars, much less a romantic partner (but i've also had relationships fail because the other person couldn't pull their weight).

there does not need to be anyone at fault for a split to happen.
posted by nadawi at 12:38 PM on July 11, 2013 [4 favorites]


Do you even have any reasons to stay?

This relationship is awful for both of you. That's the only reason you need.
posted by Lyn Never at 12:38 PM on July 11, 2013 [3 favorites]


YES BREAK UP WITH THE PERSON WHO THINKS IT IS OKAY TO LET YOU GO HUNGRY BEFORE THEIR EYES.

how is this even in question.
posted by elizardbits at 12:38 PM on July 11, 2013 [119 favorites]


Yes, you should break up with him. You may have to throw yourself at the mercy of your parents/friends/whoever can house and feed you, but surely that's better than what you've got going on now.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 12:38 PM on July 11, 2013 [1 favorite]


I would not let people I HATE starve in front of me much less someone I was supposedly in a relationship with. My god.
posted by elizardbits at 12:39 PM on July 11, 2013 [34 favorites]


Have you had any conversations with him at all about the fact that you have no money for food and he does? If so, how did those conversations go?
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 12:40 PM on July 11, 2013 [6 favorites]


our bathroom door doesn't close

Wait, do you live with him? Does he not buy food for the house ever, or are you not allowed to eat "his" food, or ... none of the possible interpretations of this are good.

On a first read I thought, "well, being broke and hungry makes you go slightly nuts, so maybe this dude isn't that bad but EVERYthing is awful when you can't afford to eat." When I lived on ~600 or so calories a day I hated my KITTEN. I was like, "this ball of downy fur is a SHITHEAD and I HATE HER."

But dude. If you live with this guy, and he knows the details of your semi-starvation, and he does nothing to help you? He should be run over by one thousand shithead kittens, and you need to leave him so fast you leave a trail of smoke behind you.
posted by like_a_friend at 12:43 PM on July 11, 2013 [42 favorites]


The thing about a relationship is that it should be something that you can count on when things are good but more importantly when things get bad. If locking yourself out of your apartment/losing credit cards/even not having money is causing things to look at things differently, it isn't because you are scatterbrained or financially unlucky, it's that things were probably going to go south to begin with.

Good luck.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 12:43 PM on July 11, 2013 [2 favorites]


I'm fed up. But quite possibly I'm at fault.

Deciding whether to end a relationship isn't really about fault, it's about whether it's working. Get something to eat, take a deep breath, and think it over. If you make the decision with a clear head, it'll be the right decision.
posted by selfnoise at 12:44 PM on July 11, 2013 [2 favorites]


What Nimmie Amee said, a thousand times.

But if you need something specific: he doesn't sound able to give you what you need right now, and it sounds like your needs are contrary to where he is in his life right now. And it is totally and absolutely fair for you to want the twain to meet but also utterly acceptable for that to not be how it's going to be...which is one of the most crystal clear signs that a relationship should transition in some way, usually as (imperfect, messy) closure.

You're in your early 20s. Now is the perfect time to take a break from relationships and focus on building your self up without that distraction, being your own best friend, relying upon yourself, giving yourself the experiences you most want from this time in your life.

I'd talk to him about this. Five years is a pretty significant amount of time, and while it's not a sin to end things out of the blue, it's good to be open and mature about these things at this stage in your lives. Don't make it a litany of everything he's done wrong, though. Nor a list of how imperfect you are. Just boil it down to the bare bones ("I think we're at different places in our lives right now, and recent events have given me the chance to see that our differences might be better handled as separate people rather than as a couple" wouldn't be inaccurate) and give him room to accept the information.

You should decide when thinking about this whether or not you feel very certain that you want an end or if you feel like there's some action he could take that would reassure you, then set a boundary for yourself regarding the layout of the conversation and possible responses that would help you navigate it even if emotions flare. And consider the possibility that he might just say, "yeah, I've been wanting to break up, too" or could unexpectedly blow up with an emotional response. You should prepare sane, appropriate responses for those possibilities, so that you have a script to guide you through what could become an extremely emotional experience.

Whatever you do, I wish you clarity and self-knowledge.
posted by batmonkey at 12:45 PM on July 11, 2013


I read your whole question, but I really didn't need to. I could have stopped right here:

Relationship of 5 years, early 20s.


I swear to you--swear to you--that six months from now you are going to be shaking your head with a dazed half-laugh expression on your face and thinking, "what the fuck was I doing spending FIVE YEARS with that guy?!"

And as I read the rest of your question, it only got worse. This guy sounds like a turd. Please break up with him.

I hope things get better for you soon. I'm sure they will. Good luck. :)
posted by phunniemee at 12:45 PM on July 11, 2013 [39 favorites]


If your boyfriend of five years realizes that you don't have money for food and won't help than yes, he's an asshole, so DTMFA.

But for you, it's not necessary for you to go hungry (I'm assuming you are in the US). Call 311 to find out about local food assistance programs. Also apply for the federal food assistance (Snap). Calling your family and friends to help is a good idea.
posted by bananafish at 12:45 PM on July 11, 2013 [18 favorites]


Anyone who would let their girlfriend starve while they ate is a fucking sociopathic MONSTER. Shit. I don't even KNOW YOU and if you live in NYC, I will feed you.
posted by showbiz_liz at 12:45 PM on July 11, 2013 [44 favorites]


He's not even behaving like a good friend or roommate, let alone partner.
posted by needs more cowbell at 12:47 PM on July 11, 2013


Is it time to break up finally?

Probably, yes.
posted by infinitywaltz at 12:48 PM on July 11, 2013 [1 favorite]


Sorry, I forgot to add: no matter where you live, look into food banks. There are resources for people in your situation.
posted by showbiz_liz at 12:50 PM on July 11, 2013 [3 favorites]


(Obviously dump him, but)

You still need to get your own food. He's not going to do it after being dumped, not that he did before. You need to take some responsibility and figure out your own way to get food & whatever else you need. If he wasn't in the picture, were you just going to sit out in the rain forever because you locked yourself out?
posted by TheAdamist at 12:50 PM on July 11, 2013 [32 favorites]


It seems like it's on an almost daily basis that I am thought of last, but...when I bring it up, I am the bad guy. He shuts down, I'm being unreasonable, who cares what I want?

I care what you want. You want to eat. You want to be cared for by the man who you live with, the guy that you sleep with, the guy that you are dating, the guy that you have spent a quarter of your life with and might be thinking about spending the rest of it with.

You want to be taken care of by him in your time of need. Isn't that partially what a relationship is for?

My advice? Get rid of this guy, and look into going on food stamps. No one that you live with - not a roommate, not a friend, certainly not a boyfriend or girlfriend - should watch you starve. That's borderline abusive, in my opinion.
posted by sockermom at 12:52 PM on July 11, 2013 [5 favorites]


Can you take a bus? Where are you?
posted by oceanjesse at 12:52 PM on July 11, 2013 [1 favorite]


Every once in awhile, I read a question like this on MetaFilter and the details of the behaviour being asked about are so ridiculously beyond the pale for any thinking, feeling human being that I start to wonder if the poster is just making shit up in order to put one over on AskMe.

I point this out in this instance not to tell you that I think you're a liar (sadly, I suspect you are not), but to point out that the behaviour you're describing is so far beyond what is remotely acceptable that it seems almost completely unreal to me. I could, maybe, barely wrap my head around going to out for sushi when I knew a roommate I secretly hated and couldn't wait to no longer live with was literally starving at home, but someone I was supposed to love and cherish and care for? I just can't even ... I mean ... who does that?
posted by jacquilynne at 12:55 PM on July 11, 2013 [52 favorites]


He shuts down, I'm being unreasonable, who cares what I want?

Not your boyfriend. This makes him not a good boyfriend. Get rid of him and his inconsiderate ass.
posted by Capt. Renault at 12:55 PM on July 11, 2013


Break up with him, sure, but please also look into social services that are available for you. You should not have to squeak by on 500 calories a day.
posted by Sticherbeast at 12:56 PM on July 11, 2013 [3 favorites]


I am on record as being uncomfortable with AskMe's usual avalanche of DTMFA to any relationship question, but I have never heard a more clear-cut case for getting out. I can see nothing in what you have written as going in Column A "Reasons We Should Stick It Out" and everything in Column B.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 12:59 PM on July 11, 2013 [3 favorites]


Even if you were completely at fault, you should still break up. Really, there's no partnership here. Since you're absent-minded (as I am), take things as slowly as you need to. Have a "moving on" notebook and always keep it in the same place. Be kind to yourself.
posted by wryly at 1:06 PM on July 11, 2013 [1 favorite]


Dude I have friends--with no romantic attachments--I've anonymously bought pizza for when they were hungry and too proud to ask for help. Going out to dinner while your girlfriend starves is pretty beyond the pale.
posted by Ghostride The Whip at 1:15 PM on July 11, 2013 [5 favorites]


Where are you? If you live anywhere near me (I'm currently in LA until next week but usually based in SF), I'll take you out for a meal. I mean it. Please DM me.

Also, DTMFA. When I have been unemployed and poor, my friends fed me. When my friends were poor and unemployed, I fed them. I can't even. believe. this.
posted by so much modern time at 1:17 PM on July 11, 2013 [3 favorites]


Your boyfriend is letting you starve. Your boyfriend can't even bring you a goddamn fucking meal out of his lavish earnings but instead goes out to get sushi.

Look, if you were my random activist buddy and you didn't have enough food to keep functioning (and why did you lose your keys? probably hunger and stress) I would get you a fucking sandwich.

This is such bad behavior that I quite literally am having trouble believing it.

Yes, you should break up with him. And social services for you - food stamps, for starters.
posted by Frowner at 1:18 PM on July 11, 2013 [6 favorites]


Also, definitely look into food banks. I volunteered at one last week in SF as a translator, and they actually had openings and were taking new families in if they lived in the right zip codes. So please do consider that an option.
posted by so much modern time at 1:18 PM on July 11, 2013


This, sweets, breaks my heart. Why, oh, why do I read these relationship posts?

If anyone resolves who/where/how to make small donations to feed this kid, lemme know via memail, OK?

I'm in.
posted by FauxScot at 1:19 PM on July 11, 2013 [11 favorites]


As I think is often the case when questions like this are posted, you already know the answer and are hoping for validation or that extra kick you need to get it; I'm happy to help provide both. Yes, you should break up with him. But it doesn't sound like it's as easy as all that.

It sounds like you live with him, have no income and no transportation. So this is a bigger issue than ditching someone who would go out to dinner with his co-workers without you when you have no food, bring people home without letting you know, or not even have the common decency to let you know when he's going to be home. Do you have job prospects, income opportunities, a way to get a car? Do you have someplace to go? Because if he doesn't care enough about you to make sure you have food when he's your boyfriend, he's definitely not going to when he's your ex, so you're going to need to get out. Is that a possibility?

You need a plan, one that hopefully involves getting as far away from this guy as possible. Get something to eat, a hot shower, a good night's sleep, and try to figure out what you can do. While I can't speak to the rest of your relationship, nothing you've posted here is remotely your fault. But it is within your power to do something about it. Figure out what you can do, get help from friends, family, and/or social service agencies, and start the process of moving on. Good luck, and I'm sorry you're dealing with this.
posted by jennaratrix at 1:22 PM on July 11, 2013 [10 favorites]


Yeah, make a plan, dump the guy, and me-mail me if you're anywhere near Denver. We'll feed you and get you home (which will hopefully be somewhere different than you're now) with left overs.

Also, as has been said "I don't like you anymore" is a fantastic reason to dump somebody.
posted by Gygesringtone at 1:25 PM on July 11, 2013 [1 favorite]


DTMFA, emphasis on the MF.

I'm in the Chicago area; if that is anywhere near you, please memail me. I'm willing to help ya out as much as possible.
posted by Fig at 1:25 PM on July 11, 2013 [1 favorite]


Yes, you should break up with him.

A good partner in a healthy relationship would see your financial struggles and step in to offer help--concrete help, like paying for groceries, as well as emotional support. Likewise, a good partner in a healthy relationship would respond to a phone call about being locked out of the apartment by doing his or her best to drive over ASAP, or if he or she was in the middle of something extremely important at work, find another way to offer help (such as calling a friend or locksmith to meet the stranded person).

It is perfectly normal and healthy to expect your partner to help you when you need help. A long-term relationship should be a thing the two of you build together: partners actively support, encourage, and help each other for the good of the relationship.

As an aside, in addition to looking into possible food assistance benefits, such as SNAP, that you may qualify for, you should also consider looking at local food pantries. Many offer a limited number of visits (once a month, twice a month) for basic groceries, which could be very helpful while you're working out any benefits that might apply to your situation.
posted by Meg_Murry at 1:26 PM on July 11, 2013 [2 favorites]


Please leave. You're in your early twenties, you deserve so much better, and it WILL get better. Don't let this asshat anchor bring you down any lower than he already has. You're telling us you're hungry and hurt. That's not love. You owe it to yourself to get out and start charting out your course for the journey ahead. Now is the time. Actions speak louder than words.

Memail me, please. I will gladly have a meal delivered to you, wherever you are.
posted by chloe.gelsomino at 1:26 PM on July 11, 2013 [2 favorites]


I would share my food with a housemate even if we'd just broken up. Whether or not she was tight on finances. Because it's only decent.

Your boyfriend isn't decent. Dump him.
posted by IAmBroom at 1:30 PM on July 11, 2013 [3 favorites]


If you're in the Kansas City area, memail me and I'll do what I can to help.
posted by jennaratrix at 1:33 PM on July 11, 2013 [1 favorite]


I'm in Atlanta. Where are you? If you're near me, I'll do what I can to facilitate.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 1:36 PM on July 11, 2013 [1 favorite]


Okay, this will be my last contribution to this thread for a while, I swear, but I'm so outraged on your behalf that my thoughts are coming in spurts. Listen, a bunch of internet strangers are willing to help you out and feed you, but your live-in boyfriend isn't?

More practically, were you laid off or let go? Even if you were fired, there's a good possibility that you might be able to get on unemployment. Depending on your state, you could apply online. Please please please look into services. Again, if you are in CA, I can help you with that because I just did it myself fairly recently.

Never mind your loser, soon-to-be-ex boyfriend who would let you starve, the important thing now is taking care of yourself.

To sum up all of my contributions: Look into food banks and food stamps. Look into unemployment benefits. If you are in LA (or SF), I will be more than happy to feed you in whatever way is most comfortable for you.
posted by so much modern time at 1:38 PM on July 11, 2013 [5 favorites]


Ugh - what a dope. DTMFA

Send me a MeMail and I will paypal you some $$$ for food.
posted by Coffeemate at 1:40 PM on July 11, 2013 [1 favorite]


When I read questions like this I always feel like there must be a lot of stuff that the OP is skipping over because the edit just doesn't make sense. In this case though it doesn't really matter what that stuff is. If he is seriously letting you starve when he could easily help you then that is unforgivable no matter what details you may be glossing over on your side. Seriously, no matter what. I can't think of a single person I've ever met that I would let starve for two weeks while I ignored their plight.

Please reach out for help. Please focus your energies on helping yourself and put your thoughts about him on hold while you take care of yourself. I can't imagine you have the energy to do both.
posted by Dorothia at 1:40 PM on July 11, 2013


Leave him. Use his phone to ring around and find a local food bank or 2 and to see if you can get food stamps or whatever they are called now a days then leave him.
posted by wwax at 1:40 PM on July 11, 2013


I'm in Oklahoma City. If you are remotely nearby, memail me? Even if you're not, memail me anyway.
posted by Lemmy Caution at 1:41 PM on July 11, 2013


Here's the link for snap:
http://www.fns.usda.gov/snap/applicant_recipients/apply.htm
posted by bananafish at 1:42 PM on July 11, 2013 [3 favorites]


One more for the chorus: if you are near Toronto, memail me.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 1:43 PM on July 11, 2013 [2 favorites]


My GF and I share food. Sometimes I even cook for her (shes way, way, way better at it) So I am absolutely boggled at how he seems to not be caring youre hungry.

+1 Houston if you need anything
posted by Jacen at 1:45 PM on July 11, 2013


OP, I think it's pretty telling that your boyfriend has been content to sit idly by and let you go hungry for several weeks, while in barely the course of an hour all of these strangers, people who don't know you and have never met you and don't know anything about you, have reached out to help.

If nothing else so far has convinced you, please let that sink in. Strangers want to reach out. Your boyfriend of five years does not. He's being an awful partner, a bad friend, and a not-great person.
posted by phunniemee at 1:46 PM on July 11, 2013 [6 favorites]


Are you living with him? Do you have a safe place to go? Let us know where you are and also memail me so I can PayPal you along with the folks above. It's abhorrent that someone who supposedly cares for you and has the resources to help you through a rough patch isn't helping you at all. He is watching you go hungry and does nothing. Totally unacceptable and cruel.
posted by quince at 1:47 PM on July 11, 2013


Instead of driving to me, I had to walk through the rain across a large parking lot. Yes, that sounds completely diva-like

I agree. Wait, you are talking about yourself? Seriously? He made you walk across a parking lot in the rain and you think you might be the diva?

Shit, I was woken up past midnight by a call from a friend who wasn't sure he was safe to drive his car for various reasons and could I pick him up from a concert. I drove 30 miles to do that because, hey, it's a friend. He was fine. I then drove him back the next day to pick up his car. I think he bought me a couple of six packs of good beer as thanks.

The only possible excuse for him being late for picking you up is that he was buying flowers and running a warm bath so that you could dive into it immediately upon getting home. That's it.

If you live in the SF Bay area I will personally deliver food to you tomorrow. I'll even skip out on work to do it. I'm not joking.
posted by It's Never Lurgi at 1:48 PM on July 11, 2013 [13 favorites]


This may all be compounded by the fact that I have almost no food and have been subsisting on maybe 500 calories a day because of the lack of money for the past two weeks.

If someone wanted to perform a character assassination of me, they could probably find school buses full of people who would say that i'm an asshole. Assy holey hole.

Even girls i've dated i was completely done with or fed up with i wouldn't do this to. Even when i knew they didn't give a shit anymore and had checked out or whatever. I've spent my last couple bucks getting shitty food to share with or even give to my girlfriend who had no food and no money.

Seriously, fuck this guy.

Oh, and the parking lot thing sounds like some weird fucking power play "i'm in charge, you come to me" petty shit i'd hear some weird PUA types talking about.

Adding to what's above, i'm in seattle if you want to go get some food, and i'd chip in on the paypal like the people above if not...

As a side note, did it occur to you that maybe you're scatterbrained and losing things because you haven't been eating enough? This may very well be a low blood sugar thing and no fault of your own. I've definitely been there... sometimes even inadvertently when i'm locked in to something and realize at like 5pm i haven't eaten all day and i feel like my brains only half working
posted by emptythought at 1:50 PM on July 11, 2013 [9 favorites]


Oh sweetie. Do you have any friends nearby? If so, TELL THEM YOU NEED SOME HELP. Seriously, people will give you food. Hell, when I was broker than broke a few months ago, a friend paid $50 to fill my car with gas so I could get to work even though she's a single mom with a low-paying job & really couldn't afford it.

I'm not surprised you're scatterbrained & losing stuff after living at starvation levels for a few weeks.

If you're near Minneapolis, I can offer you lots of canned goods.
posted by belladonna at 1:50 PM on July 11, 2013 [1 favorite]


Actually OP, I'm just gonna skip ahead to the next thing I was going to say depending on what the answer to your question was going to be.

Reading your question, I kind of tried to piece everything together, and I guess I noticed that you're entirely aware of standard discourtesies (making you walk across a rainy parking lot, not letting you know when he'd be home, having company over without letting you know), but also missing the elephant in the room (he's letting you starve). Which is to say, it's established that you're doing without a lot of food and he has a great job, and you mention that, but I kept waiting to read about the outcome of any conversations about the financial imbalance.

I guess what got me thinking about this was that he made you walk across a rainy parking lot and he would not drive to where you are. That seems like such a small thing to do for another person that I found myself wondering what his version of that story would be, because on its face, it's a total dick move on his part. So I'm turning this over in my head: if you were under a bank drive-through awning, were there one-way lanes that would have made it harder for him to drive to you than for you to walk to him? You don't have to answer that. Similarly, as noted above it seems downright sociopathic that he'd let you subsist on a banana and some cheese if he can afford to feed himself and go out to fancy sushi places. So either your boyfriend is an unbelievable asshole (which I have no trouble believing), or there's some reason (other than being used to being treated like shit) that your stated issues with him and his lack of consideration don't include his refusal to float you some loot so you can have a cheeseburger or something.

That said, I'm not saying there are holes in your story, because I don't think there are. I believe that things happened the way you're saying they did, and I think it's perfectly understandable that while tired and cranky and hungry and angry with him, you wouldn't append your account with, "And here's his side of the story."

So I'm going to give two answers. Either answer is to a specific situation. I will lay them out here, and let you decide which one most resembles what's going on with you and your boyfriend.

The first one, I will call Situation A.

In Situation A, there are details in this story which, if known, would make his behavior appear a bit less horrifying. Examples would be: There were indeed one-way lane issues that made it easier (though irritating and soggier) for you to walk to him than for him to drive to you; The dinner and bar trip with coworkers was expensed (I've had similar nights, including a positively heroic bar tab, expensed by places I worked and didn't have to pay anything), and while his job is good, he has debts or whatever other factors that mean his food budget is similar to yours and he's not eating any better than you, usually (and hopefully brought you some leftovers); He's implored you to let him buy you some food but you're super proud or whatever thing and will only eat food you bought or some such, I have no idea. Basically some sort of mitigation on the more egregious anecdotes. Something that might make him a bit less of a massive, massive butthole.

The second one, I will call Situation B.

In Situation B, there are no mitigating circumstances, no additional details that would make his behavior a bit less inexplicable, nothing like that. In Situation B, he has money and can afford to eat well but, for whatever reason, is not buying food you can eat, whether it be that he always just gets takeout and eats that, or has his stuff labeled and gets mad if you eat it, or whatever thing. In Situation B, none of the other stuff really matters. The fact that he's letting you starve is enough for me to come up with an answer.

So.

If Situation A (in which he's not just letting you starve like he seems to be here) is your situation, then my advice is that he needs to grow up and start getting treatment for his ADD; this is an ultimatum you need to lay out and if he doesn't work with you on this, you should break up. This is a conversation you should have when things are calm and you're eating better.

Is Situation B is your situation, then holy fucking shit, dump this horrible asshole immediately and never look back.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 1:51 PM on July 11, 2013 [11 favorites]


Okay, first of all, memail me, I am about to go incommunicado for 2 hours but when I resurface I will find a way of getting you some food.

Second of all, I see the timeline going this way: you have paid off your debts, then you started eating very little because of lack of money and then you lost your cards.

Do you not have access to a line of credit? If not, it looks like you may have made a decision to go without food in order to save money. As unpalatable as racking up debt again may seem, starving yourself is worse so please don't do this if you have a line of credit available to you. Potatoes and dairy will provide you with pretty much all the nutrients you need to survive for a good while. Also echoing what others have said about food stamps.

It was after this that you lost your cards. Are you still waiting for replacements? Did you ask your bank to authorise a cash withdrawal in the meantime?

And then you got separated from your wallet, which apparently did have cash inside? Starvation is causing you to make these mistakes. But apparently you had your phone with you. Could you have called the landlord to let you in and maybe even give you a spare set of keys? When you say "a ride to the dealer" I think you're talking about car keys rather than house keys? Don't drive while you are starving. (Your BF should not be driving with untreated ADHD, but that's his decision.)

I'm not trying to be horrible, I am suggesting that you're maybe looking to your BF as your first line of problem solving when there are other possible ways to get these problems solved at least in the short term. Not that you shouldn't be able to look to him first, but if you break up with him you will be single, and then what will you do if you get locked out?

All this said, your BF sounds worse than useless even if he knows you are starving (...does he know?). Normally I'd say DTMFA.

However, your story as you present it is that you have no other resources and you live with him. So if you break up with him where are you going to live, for starters? Do you have friends you can live with? If so, call them up and explain you are in crisis and need them to pick you up now even though it's 2am. Yeah it's late, but you should've called on them earlier in every sense. Can you go back to your parents? Then call them. Don't wait.

But, if this guy is your only means of support, then I'd be careful about breaking up with him right now when you have no place to go. Is this computer your own, or his? How will you look for a job with no computer? I'd get your food, keys, cards, food stamps, and employment sorted out first, then a place to stay, then dump him. Normally I'd be opposed to that level of cynicism, but the guy you describe here is putting you last so you might as well put yourself first even if that means using him till you can get out.
posted by tel3path at 1:53 PM on July 11, 2013 [8 favorites]


Time to ask family and friends for some help. Absolutely none of this is acceptable. Dump this guy ASAP and go somewhere where people care about you for a while.
posted by cnc at 1:54 PM on July 11, 2013 [1 favorite]


...sounds worse than useless even if he DOESN'T know you are starving. Missed the edit window.
posted by tel3path at 1:59 PM on July 11, 2013


I'm in Providence. Memail me for local help and/or paypal.
posted by munyeca at 2:12 PM on July 11, 2013


Hi, Anon. If you memail me or a mod your location, we'll hustle up something for you to eat right away. There are mefites all over the US and a lot of Europe, and we'll figure it out. I'm working on a project, but will keep an eye on this thread, but I have a meeting to go to at 6-ish, Eastern time, and it will be @ 2 hours.

I would recommend against making important decisions on 500 cal/day. Are you on the lease? If not, and you break up with him, he might kick you out, making things more complicated. So, food & wallet before decisions.

You need a plan. There's probably a food pantry or soup kitchen near you, and there's probably someone you can talk to to develop a plan for what to do next. All these responses, they have care and concern in them. We are all, in our way, sending you hugs. More than a few of us are willing to help. You deserve to be treated well, you deserve respect and kindness.
posted by theora55 at 2:12 PM on July 11, 2013 [7 favorites]


I just want to throw in if no one else has yet, you should be applying for food stamps stat.

I'm not expert on this, but you aren't married and I can't imagine his income would be considered against you. Also, food pantries, churches and other charities offer free food to people who can't afford it. It's not just for the homeless. If you have access to a computer you should start searching for something close to you.

Once you get a good meal in you it will probably be a lot easier to think straight and determine how to remove yourself from your current situation.

And if you have any friends or family that are in a position to help you now is time to call in that favor. Seriously if you have anyone that can wire you some money and/or show up at your house with a truck and some boxes, just get out and figure everything else out later.
posted by whoaali at 2:21 PM on July 11, 2013 [4 favorites]


I wouldn't let someone I hated go without food. I definitely wouldn't let someone I cared about go hungry! Yes, absolutely, dump him.
posted by sarcasticah at 2:30 PM on July 11, 2013


Holy shit. Break up with him.

I am yet another SFBayArea mefite who will totally help if I can.

If it is pride that keeps you from food banks, swallow it (it has no nutritional value) and go to a food bank. Your job hunt will go much more successfully if you are decently fed.

A few years ago, our friend who lives downstairs called from a hotel in foothills, a several-hour drive, to ask us to come get her and her (non-driving) partner because she'd come down with food poisoning and couldn't drive. So we got in the car and drove to Placerville to get them and drove them and their car home. This is a thing you do as best you can when you care about someone. The way your boyfriend treats you is not normal and is not okay.
posted by rtha at 2:37 PM on July 11, 2013 [2 favorites]


I would suggest that your hunger is affecting you, but not in the way you think: it's not making you cranky and therefore dissatisfied with your relationship, it's fogging you up so you can't see that you have every right and reason to be dissatisfied with your relationship. Think Maslow's hierarchy of needs: get some food first, and some sleep if you need it, then you can figure out how to break up with this guy.

If you're around Boston, I'll buy you dinner and send you home with a box of Clif Bars. There are people who will help you if you reach out. It's a shame your boyfriend's not one of them.
posted by Metroid Baby at 2:41 PM on July 11, 2013


Dump this dude now. It's unclear from your post if you two live together or not; one is merely an uncaring jerk and the other is a self-centered piece of shit: either way, DTMFA.

And oddball extra thought: if you two do live together, those missing keys? I have this nasty little suspicion who does have them.... ever hear the term 'gaslighting'?
posted by easily confused at 2:54 PM on July 11, 2013 [3 favorites]


Okay, I'll bite: You've got one of those ADD boyfriends who needs to be explicitly told things that any ordinarily perceptive person would understand.

Have you *told* him you're out of money and not eating because of it ? Have you *told* him that you lost your cards, which I'm guessing might be why you're out of "money". Did you ask *him* to help you get new keys ?

Do you eat meals together ? Did the topic of how you're too broke to buy groceries come up ?

I think it's entirely possible that you're locked into a negative feedback loop: you're hungry and desperate and not telling him that you're hungry and desperate, because you're trying to break through his attention deficit that prevents him from seeing that you're hungry and desperate.
posted by Kakkerlak at 3:17 PM on July 11, 2013 [11 favorites]


I'm in Atlanta and have a boatload of groceries, if you are near here, where it's been raining constantly.
posted by stormygrey at 3:25 PM on July 11, 2013


god i wish i would have realized that i didn't need a reason to break up with my boyfriend of five years. i was unhappy but i stayed with him because he wasn't a total shitbag most of the time.

but your boyfriend is kind of a total shitbag.

look, girl. if you're in the dc area, i need a sixth member on my trivia team tonight. memail me if you want to come down. we'll buy you some beers and food and give you a good enough time that you'll stop thinking about your dirtbag boyfriend for a couple hours. afterward i'll drive you by a harris teeter or something and buy you some groceries.

say the word and you too can be a member of the bloodthirsty ironfists tonight.
posted by kerning at 3:35 PM on July 11, 2013 [6 favorites]


I am in Memphis. Got nothing on my calendar doe the next few days. If you are within a couple hundred miles, let's have breakfast/lunch/dinner and get you sorted out.
posted by raisingsand at 3:43 PM on July 11, 2013 [1 favorite]


where it's been raining constantly.

Oh, right. It hasn't rained here in any significant way in weeks, so you're not near the Bay Area. Still. If a mefite in this thread has offered help and they are near you, take them up on it.
posted by rtha at 3:44 PM on July 11, 2013


To be on topic, please break up with him. More importantly, if you are anywhere in North Texas, PM me and I will get food to you.
posted by 1066 at 3:49 PM on July 11, 2013


I'm in Calgary AB, I would like to help if i could. PM me.
posted by blueberrypicasso at 3:51 PM on July 11, 2013


Christ, if you are anywhere in Australia I will organise food for you in an hour. I wouldn't let a dog I hated starve.

I don't think it matters what his side of the story is. A relationship that could devolve to this level is a relationship you need to be out of. You cannot get into a situation where you are sharing any more serious responsibility with this person.

Please take care of yourself.
posted by arha at 4:08 PM on July 11, 2013 [1 favorite]


If it helps, if I could do over my early twenties the one thing I would change is staying in a horrible relationship for years because I thought breaking up with him would make me a bad person. I would be willing to lay a bet that most people in any given room would say something similar.
posted by arha at 4:13 PM on July 11, 2013 [5 favorites]


I am in Knoxville, and I have food you can eat. Let me know if I can help.
posted by SkylitDrawl at 4:14 PM on July 11, 2013


I can send dry goods groceries to you if amazon delivers to your area. PM me. Dump this prick.
posted by waterisfinite at 4:18 PM on July 11, 2013


My seven-year-old daughter wants to start making sandwiches for people. She wants to make them and sell them to people with money, but give them away to homeless people.

We talked about it for a bit, and she was concerned: what happens if someone with money lies about being homeless to get a free sandwich? She thought that since people might lie to get sandwiches, she probably shouldn't do it at all.

I asked her which would be worse: homeless people going hungry, or a not-homeless person getting a free sandwich?

At first, she thought about it and said it would be worse for the liar to get a sandwich. I prompted "so you'd rather keep a liar from getting a sandwich, even if it means homeless people starve?" at which point she said "oooooooh, no, no way, I don't want anyone to starve."

Point being, decent people don't let other people starve if they can help it, even non-fatal just-missing-one-meal starving. So go date someone who wouldn't let you starve. That's, like, basic fundamental humanity level.
posted by davejay at 4:29 PM on July 11, 2013 [7 favorites]


It hasn't rained too much here recently so you probably aren't in Seattle, but here's another offer of food/help.
posted by skycrashesdown at 4:56 PM on July 11, 2013


Should you happen to be in or near Philadelphia, there's some ice cream here with your name on it.
posted by ActionPopulated at 5:09 PM on July 11, 2013 [1 favorite]


It's been raining here a ton, are you around Charlotte, NC? If so memail me and I'd be more than happy to help. Mefites helped me out once and I'd be more than happy to pay it forward.
posted by julie_of_the_jungle at 5:11 PM on July 11, 2013


Another offer of help in the Boston-area. Seriously, I really mean it. Please MeMail me if you are around here.
posted by peacheater at 5:12 PM on July 11, 2013


nthing Houston.
posted by anthropomorphic at 5:14 PM on July 11, 2013


I too am in Denver, we can tag team it :) If you aren't allergic to dogs, I can help with getting a plan together and getting you on your feet (or at least fed!).

Agreeing with the avalanche of "you don't need a reason other than being unhappy" and "what an asshole".
posted by HermitDog at 5:18 PM on July 11, 2013


Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry that your going through this. I'm near Toronto and will move hell or high water to get you something to eat ASAP. MeMail me if your in southern Ontario or if I can arrange for something to be delivered first thing tomorrow.
posted by snowysoul at 5:31 PM on July 11, 2013


N-thing that you should break up with this horrible person!

And eat all his food before you leave.

More seriously, is there a church with a food kitchen or similar near you? No shame in taking advantage of that if you need it. I'm so sorry you're in this awful situation.
posted by sonmi at 5:32 PM on July 11, 2013 [4 favorites]


If you live with him, does HE have food in the house that you can't eat? Because, fuck that. Eat the food. You're literally starving and he's going out to dinner and then to a bar? And all you're asking for is for him to drive you to Wal-Mart so you can spend what little money you have on enough nourishment to keep you alive and he's not willing to do even that? Fuck that. People just don't act that way with people they like. People don't act that way with roommates or strangers or people they don't like. So, if there's food where you are, even if (especially if!) it's his food, I hereby give you permission to eat it. Seriously.

I'm also a little worried that you don't seem to realize how screwed up this is. You place a lot of blame on yourself and forgive him for everything. You say you're "diva-ish" to not want to walk across the parking lot when you're wet and cold and starving, you're absent-minded, etc; meanwhile, he had to work and he has ADD and he lost track of time. Why not try applying the same standards you're holding yourself to to him? Because this isn't normal and it isn't right and you need to know that, both for dealing with this asshat and in the future.

Also, I, too would offer you help, even though you're a complete stranger and I DON'T make the kind of money that allows me to go out for fancy sushi and spend all night at the bar. I'd help because in the time it took me to read your question, I got to know you just the tiniest little bit. And I don't let people I know starve to death or wait for two hours in the rain and walk across the parking lot to get to me. But, I live in Phoenix where it most certainly hasn't been raining any time lately.
posted by Weeping_angel at 5:51 PM on July 11, 2013 [2 favorites]


Another voice in the chorus singing the same song.

PM me if you're in the Louisville area by any chance, I'm more or less free until Tuesday and will gladly help you get this figured out and get some food in you.
posted by pecanpies at 5:53 PM on July 11, 2013 [3 favorites]


Oh, and why do you need to find a ride to the dealer to get new car keys? In what world would your boyfriend not offer to drive you? I don't even understand how his mind works if he thinks that the way he's treating you is ok. Hint: it's not! I see you've been with him for a long time so you might not realize it but it is Not Ok to treat your significant other the way he's treating you. You may have lost perspective over the years, and douchy-ness can creep up gradually so you don't really notice anything has changed and suddenly there's a new normal for you and you've forgotten how you deserve to be treated. I know. I've been there. Different kind of douchy-ness, but I understand how easy it is to lose that perspective. Me-mail me if you ever want to talk.
posted by Weeping_angel at 6:03 PM on July 11, 2013


I'm worried that he's treating you this way to control you. Not giving you keys? you have no food? this abuse, please let everyone here help you. I'l also happily paypal you some funds to help you get out of this situation. It breaks my heart.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 6:22 PM on July 11, 2013 [4 favorites]


Yeah, another wtf reaction. It doesn't sound like you should stay in this relationship anymore. My city has already been covered, but i hope you take advantage of the offers of help in this thread!

Also, this is kind of out of place, but i thought you should know.... It sounds like you've lost your only set of car keys. If that is so and your car was made after the year 2000 or so, it probably has something called a pats key and to get a replacement you'll need to have the car in the same physical place as the person making the key. You can't get another made at the dealer without the car there, you either have to tow your car there or get a mobile locksmith to come out to you (i recommend the second option, its cheaper and easier and you can do it right away.) Anyway, call your dealer before you show up and see if this is the case with your car.

I tell you this because i recently flushed my keys down the toilet (!) and had to go through this process. It was fairly simple once i found a locksmith willing to do a car key, though.
posted by geegollygosh at 6:34 PM on July 11, 2013 [3 favorites]


Nthing the chorus. I am reasonably sure from your description that you are in NorAm, not Australia, but if I'm wrong and you're anywhere near Melbourne, let me know. Happy to help out with meals/chat/etc. Whatever else is going on in your relationship, friends don't let friends starve, let alone boyfriends. Either he is the most clueless of clueless people or he is trying to make you so miserable that you end the relationship, instead of just ending it himself. DTMFA.

That being said, you will be in a better position to cope with ending the relationship and sorting out your other immediate difficulties (someplace to stay, cards, keys) once you have eaten and rested properly. So take people up on their offers if they live near you, seek out food banks etc, do whatever you have to in order to get those basic needs met. Then DTMFA.

I think you can see from how many strangers here are willing to help that you are not alone. Hang in there and let us know.
posted by Athanassiel at 6:40 PM on July 11, 2013


If it helps, if I could do over my early twenties the one thing I would change is staying in a horrible relationship for years because I thought breaking up with him would make me a bad person. I would be willing to lay a bet that most people in any given room would say something similar.
posted by arha at 4:13 PM on July 11 [4 favorites −] Favorite added! [!]


Oh God, yes. Yes yes yes yes yes.

Get the hell away from this guy before you waste any more of your precious time. Wanting to eat and feel cared for does NOT make you a diva. Christ.
posted by Salamander at 6:44 PM on July 11, 2013


MeMail me if you are near Buffalo; I will bring you food, give you rides, help you move your stuff. And MeMail me if you are near Pittsburgh; I will have my grocery-store-owning-parents get some (lots of) food to you.
posted by peacrow at 6:52 PM on July 11, 2013


Oh, and if you be new to Metafilter, this stream of strangers offering food, $, transportation and such is all normal, legit, and well meaning. Its ok, we're from the Internet and here to help.
posted by Jacen at 7:00 PM on July 11, 2013 [28 favorites]


1) the only reason you need to leave a relationship is that it isn't a relationship you want to be in. Doesn't matter who's "at fault", this isn't an insurance claim.

2) I have a long history of poverty. As such, I'm prone to not eating enough. My sweetie checks in every day to make sure I ate enough that day. He brings me food, even if it's just a sandwich, because he knows I might need it. However, even if this weren't the case, he wouldn't go out for dinner without asking if I wanted something (or, i dunno, inviting me) because that's just common fucking courtesy. I check in on him because, even though I know his eating is usually ok, I love him and I want to know he's ok.

3)dtmfa

4) I'm on a strict buget so I can't send you money, but if you're in toronto I will gladly make you dinner and help you figure out the foodbank stuff.

5) hugs.
posted by windykites at 7:50 PM on July 11, 2013 [1 favorite]


Also please actually take someone up on their offers of help, don't be embarassed or ashamed. A lot of us have been there (or somewhere similar), it's ok to accept help.
posted by windykites at 7:53 PM on July 11, 2013 [5 favorites]


What kind of Asshole let's there girlfriend starve? I hope you get the help you need. It's not with this Asshole though. There is no shame accepting help. We all fall down. It's if we get up that matters.

You know we sometimes act immature and selfish but to be so blinded to the pain & suffering of a loved one is just disgusting.

Starting to think Empathy is rarer then gold.
posted by Dreamghost at 8:09 PM on July 11, 2013 [1 favorite]


Metafilter: we're from the internet and here to help.

And anonymous, please please come back and check in with this thread! It has been on my mind almost every moment since I read it this afternoon, and I can promise you that everyone in here is worried about you.
posted by skycrashesdown at 8:20 PM on July 11, 2013 [8 favorites]


Hey, just another comment about the food thing. My asshole ex-boyfriend let me starve. I got 700 calories a day, and he would yell at me if I ate more. Once I ate a potato chip off his plate and he wouldn't speak to me for hours because he was so mad.

My therapist pointed out that this was physical abuse.

He was abusing me in a lot of other ways, too. And he called me a princess all the time - a princess. Sounds a lot like being called a diva. He told me this so much that I internalized it. I call myself a princess all the time, even still. "I'm such a princess; I hate sleeping on the floor!" "I'm such a princess; I need to eat at regular intervals or my blood sugar drops!" "I'm such a princess; I don't like being wet and cold!"

Would a princess go camping? Would she spend all night at a concert in the rain? Would she let a dog lick her mouth? Would a princess walk out on her abuser? (Aside from that last one, these are all things I've done in the last week - nine months since leaving my abuser.)

Well, who cares. I walked out, and now I'm finally free. And I'm not really a princess. It's not diva-like to not want to walk in the pouring rain after waiting for two hours when your ride is in a car and they can come get you.

Please me-mail me if you'd like help. I am in an area that is also getting a ridiculous amount of rain, and if you're anywhere near me I want to help you. I am a mentor with our local women's shelter - a women's shelter or domestic violence hotline might be a good place to turn to right now.
posted by sockermom at 8:30 PM on July 11, 2013 [20 favorites]


Hey, just another voice in the pile-on. When I broke up with my boyfriend in recent weeks, I stopped taking him out to dinner with me, but it's not like he had nothing to eat. He had money in his wallet to buy groceries and takeaway, and he was welcome to anything in the house, no matter who bought it. (Not to mention I bought his plane ticket and drove him to the airport, but I digress.)

The point is, even though the relationship was officially over, I still did my absolute most to be kind and humane.

Please, please, please dump this worthless sack of feces. I will donate $$ to a Paypal account. If you are in the NYC area, I'll take you groceries.
posted by computech_apolloniajames at 8:39 PM on July 11, 2013 [2 favorites]


Chiming in - your partner is abusive. An ex of mine did similar things with food and privacy.

Also I'm in San Diego, CA, if you need help, and are in the area, memail me.
posted by FritoKAL at 8:50 PM on July 11, 2013


There is something deeply fucked up going on here (in AU as well, been raining where I am, and I'm always happy to feed people - memail me if you want a feed, I'm doing bacon and eggs tonight, probably with treacle pie for afters) but the biggest lesson you need to learn is this:

you do not need a reason to break up with a person who is not making you happy, your life better, your world better.

That's it, that's all. I mean, there's the long haul version (some days/weeks can be shit, but overall everything is better with them) but in general, if your beloved actively makes your life worse, day in day out, then you don't need some big reason to leave. You deserve better.

And yes, controlling food intake, movement, and so on is a powerplay and can be abusive.
posted by geek anachronism at 9:09 PM on July 11, 2013


I'm on Long Island, and I've got plenty of food to share.

I would not let an acquaintance of five minutes go hungry. I can't even fathom a scenario where a live in boyfriend would go out to a bar and hang out with friends while allowing his partner to starve and eat old cheese. That's abusive behavior.
posted by inertia at 9:27 PM on July 11, 2013


P.S. right now is scary is a scary and stressful time but it's going to be okay. Please take someone here up on their offer to help you out.

If you do happen to be near me, I would be happy to help.
posted by inertia at 9:32 PM on July 11, 2013


Another New Yorker here. If you're in the five boroughs, I will cook up and bring you some food--your choice. There have been times when I could only afford to eat 500 calories a day, and the kindness of friends and strangers really helped. Nthing all that have said you need a full stomach before you go forward with the rest. And your boyfriend, frankly, sounds terrible.
posted by dysh at 9:54 PM on July 11, 2013


If you are in the upper Midwest I will help you, personally. If you want to remain anonymous contact the mods to receive support. But do take the help.
posted by jadepearl at 9:59 PM on July 11, 2013 [1 favorite]


Like Dorothia I read questions like this and wonder if the other person in the story is really the mustache-twirling villain depicted, or if there are other unreported facts that would, if known, make the other person seem, if not in the right, at least less of a sociopath. Candidly, I suspect that's true in your case as well, understandably so because when you're tired and cranky and hungry and frustrated you can't be expected to go out of the way to point out his side of the story.

I tell you this not to minimize your frustration, or to argue against the good advice others have given you, or to imply that I don't believe that you're in a terribly difficult situation, but to suggest that you may not, at this moment, be in the best mental state to make large life-altering decisions. My advice is to hold off on implementing the more DTMFA-ish advice for a few days, while you get some food in you, get your transportation squared away, get a little un-scatterbrained, etc. Give yourself time to get your brain out of "Emergency! Must act now!" mode, and then come back to the question of walking away. You have many offers of help; accept some of them and then come back to the breakup question when you know your brain is adequately fueled to make good decisions.

Obviously if his treatment of you turns violent or for any reason you fear for your well being by staying, then don't stay even the short time I'm suggesting. But I didn't see any of that in what you wrote, which is why I think you have the luxury of taking a little time to make the big decision.

And yes, if you're within 200 miles of San Francisco I will bring you groceries tomorrow; MeMail me.
posted by bac at 10:15 PM on July 11, 2013 [2 favorites]


From the OP:
I know this will sound cliche, but words cannot express my gratitude for how much help has been offered to me from all over the country and even outside the states (I'm in Ohio). I am amazed and humbled that complete strangers would offer not just food but the support to help me, not just in the thread, with my situation. I am really so deeply touched. Thank you.

As of right now, I don't know that I would feel 100% comfortable accepting however, because I've found some good resources on food stamps and am hopefully going to get to a food bank tomorrow. Still hungry, but I'll be okay for tonight. Once I have some food, I'll be able to think more clearly about my overall situation, and how to proceed from here. My living situation is unstable at best, but at least I won't feel guilty anymore.

Again, thank you. Really, thank you.
posted by taz at 10:31 PM on July 11, 2013 [30 favorites]


Thanks for the update. Wishing you the best.
posted by theora55 at 10:43 PM on July 11, 2013 [2 favorites]


If you should feel comfortable accepting, and are anywhere around the Toledo/Maumee areas, memail me.
posted by Keysig at 1:21 AM on July 12, 2013


We're all in earnest sweetie. I don't think there's a person here who hasn't been in a version of your situation. If you want, we'll all send you a couple of bucks via Paypal, and that should get you going until you can stabilize.

We, all of us, have been the recipients of kindness when we were down and out and because we are humans, we want to pay it forward. When you get back on your feet, YOU'LL want to pay it forward.

Honest.

So set up a Paypal or a Smarty Pig and we'll all throw a few bucks your way.

Hang in there!
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 5:49 AM on July 12, 2013 [10 favorites]


If you're in southwest Ohio feel free to message me.
posted by girlmightlive at 6:12 AM on July 12, 2013


If you're in Cuyahoga County, here is the Northeast Ohio Coalition For The Homeless' Find Help page.

If you're in Cuyahoga County and are looking for shelter and assistance, MHS has a 24-hour hotline at 216-623-6888. Website.

If you are in Cuyahoga, Ashland, Geauga, Lawrence, Medina, Portage, Wayne, or Holmes counties, you can call 211 for assistance from United Way in finding resources. Or you can use their website, where you can search.

If you have limited access to the internet, or are in any way concerned about searching for help via your computer at home, all branches of either the Cleveland or Cuyahoga County public libraries have free use of computers and internet access. I would think most other libraries would also, if you're not in the Cleveland area.

Hang in there, we're pulling for you.
posted by soundguy99 at 6:27 AM on July 12, 2013 [3 favorites]


Hang in there, OP. Come on back when you've eaten and let us know what we can do to help with next steps.
posted by jennaratrix at 6:37 AM on July 12, 2013 [1 favorite]


Sweet Jesus. nthing the chorus: dump this guy, and do whatever you need to get some help.

If you're in the Indianapolis area, MeMail me and I'll do what I can to get you fed. Best of luck.
posted by Gelatin at 7:43 AM on July 12, 2013


That is such a touching reply from the OP. You sound like good people, dear.

I think you should accept some of the Mefite invitations and just go grab a cup of coffee or something, because it will do you the world of good just to be around normal, nice people.

Metafilter is a good place.
posted by glasseyes at 9:12 AM on July 12, 2013 [10 favorites]


thanks so much for the update, and really, don't feel weird about accepting help, we want to help you, and it's no burden - it's your jerk boyfriend that has put the idea in your head that accepting help from people makes you a bad person - it doesn't. it makes the helper and the helpee better humans. we want to help because we have been there.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 9:29 AM on July 12, 2013 [2 favorites]


OP, I'm so so glad to see in your update that you've been reached by the kindness of Internet strangers, and seem to be on a way out of your situation and into a better future. Better days are in store for you (much better days). Thank you for letting us know how you're doing. (Also, I'm not in Ohio, but I know that that storm they had a couple days ago was terrible, and I'm so sorry you were stuck outside in it).
posted by Asparagus at 9:54 AM on July 12, 2013 [1 favorite]


Thanks for the update, OP. Please update in the coming days to let us know how you are.

The thing is, when people offer their help, it's OK to take it. There isn't a power play involved. It's not an admission that you are weak or lesser in value or bad. It's compassion for a fellow human.
posted by computech_apolloniajames at 10:56 AM on July 12, 2013 [7 favorites]


OP, in addition to agreeing with the lots of good advice in this thread, I wanted to say I'm in Ohio too. (Also female, in my 20s, and have gotten out of a relationship that I stuck around too long in. Way too long in. Oof.). Anyway, Dayton area. If you like, feel free to send an email. Dinner's on me!
posted by nicodine at 8:36 PM on July 12, 2013


Now that the food situation is taken care of (though still let us know if you want, you know, care packages of cookies or something)...

I think the first thing you need to do is (if you haven't) to tell your boyfriend explicitly that he has been fiddling while you literally starve. He has one chance - the chance to be horrified and shocked and to run right out and buy you a house full of fifteen billion varieties of food. That is his chance on the off chance that somehow he was so absorbed that he didn't notice or thought you were doing it intentionally.

If he fails that chance, leave or kick him out.
posted by corb at 5:24 AM on July 13, 2013 [4 favorites]


Came to nth Seattle (where it hasn't rained, imagine!), glad to see you have some leads on the ground. OP, your update is sweet. Please consider contacting a DV line and discussing a safety plan before bringing up these issues with your boyfriend. This could escalate -- I have a spidey sense what we're not hearing (what you've left out) might be worse. DV people can talk you through it confidentially and hypothetically. Abuse takes many forms and it's often escalated and the most dangerous when relationships end.

Memail me if you're in Columbus; I have some friends there. Also memail me if there's anything I could do long distance. I am a bureaucracy slayer, because of my own trials by fire.

If anybody figures out how to start a paypal/whatever fund to help this person, could you memail me too? I'm away from mefi most of the time the next day.
posted by sweltering at 1:03 AM on August 8, 2013


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