Long distance break-up
July 10, 2013 8:02 PM Subscribe
I have looked at other long-distance breakup questions, but mine has additional complications. We are semi-long distance, they have a car and I do not. In order to get to their place I take a train, they pick me up at the station, then it's a twenty minute drive from the station town through a rural area to his town. Cabs are extremely scarce and generally unwilling to travel between towns. How should I do this?
The breakup needs to happen. It will be kindest done in person given the seriousness of feelings involved. We're at least an hour away from one another. If they come here, they're free to leave whenever they want to but that's also a two-hour drive they just wasted to get dumped.
If I go there, I see three choices. First is break up with them at the station right off the train, which seems rather harsh (and they've already wasted a drive, albeit shorter). Second is go back to their place, but I'll be essentially stuck unless they drive me back to the station. There aren't a lot of coffee shops and restaurants around the station. Anyway, if I say "let's go out" immediately after the train it will raise red flags. Not to mention they always spend a good deal of time cleaning up and making food for me whenever I go up to visit because they're excited to see me. Third, attempt to suggest we meet up at a station midway to get dinner. This will also carry red flags and mean they wasted their time driving.
I want to be as kind as possible, while giving them a quick out and not wasting their time. What should I do?
The breakup needs to happen. It will be kindest done in person given the seriousness of feelings involved. We're at least an hour away from one another. If they come here, they're free to leave whenever they want to but that's also a two-hour drive they just wasted to get dumped.
If I go there, I see three choices. First is break up with them at the station right off the train, which seems rather harsh (and they've already wasted a drive, albeit shorter). Second is go back to their place, but I'll be essentially stuck unless they drive me back to the station. There aren't a lot of coffee shops and restaurants around the station. Anyway, if I say "let's go out" immediately after the train it will raise red flags. Not to mention they always spend a good deal of time cleaning up and making food for me whenever I go up to visit because they're excited to see me. Third, attempt to suggest we meet up at a station midway to get dinner. This will also carry red flags and mean they wasted their time driving.
I want to be as kind as possible, while giving them a quick out and not wasting their time. What should I do?
Breaking up in person is courteous but it doesn't necessarily make it easier; in this case it might honestly make it harder. I vote pick up the phone, right this minute if it's not too late where you are. Kind but final.
posted by ftm at 8:12 PM on July 10, 2013 [6 favorites]
posted by ftm at 8:12 PM on July 10, 2013 [6 favorites]
I'd either go with the option of breaking up at a coffeeshop around the station or with asking to meet somewhere halfway. I'm not sure why you're concerned about raising red flags - you're breaking up, so raise flags all you want, so long as you're not doing so cruelly.
I tend to think it's awful to break up with someone in their own living space, both because it can be dangerous for the dumper if things go awry and because it hurts the dumpee to have all that negativity and sad association poured into their home place. It doesn't sound like there's a great likelihood of danger to you, but that drive back to the station will be salt in a wound at best and excruciating, dragged-out, and tear-filled at worst. And with respect to the come-to-you option, I think a four-hour round trip drive is too much to ask.
Please don't do this over the phone. Your instincts there are absolutely correct.
posted by sevensnowflakes at 8:13 PM on July 10, 2013 [2 favorites]
I tend to think it's awful to break up with someone in their own living space, both because it can be dangerous for the dumper if things go awry and because it hurts the dumpee to have all that negativity and sad association poured into their home place. It doesn't sound like there's a great likelihood of danger to you, but that drive back to the station will be salt in a wound at best and excruciating, dragged-out, and tear-filled at worst. And with respect to the come-to-you option, I think a four-hour round trip drive is too much to ask.
Please don't do this over the phone. Your instincts there are absolutely correct.
posted by sevensnowflakes at 8:13 PM on July 10, 2013 [2 favorites]
Anyway, if I say "let's go out" immediately after the train it will raise red flags.Raising red flags is okay in this situation, because you are dumping this person.
Getting dumped sucks, but mostly likely the person you are dumping knows it's coming (even if they won't admit it to themselves). There's no sense in trying to hide your intentions until the last minute, and I wonder if you aren't just anxious about hurting this person's feelings. Invite them to meet somewhere near the station, even though you know they will know something is up. Be strong and honest, and don't back down.
posted by deathpanels at 8:13 PM on July 10, 2013 [3 favorites]
If I were getting dumped under those circumstances, unless it was with someone I considered a lifetime partner and it was more along the lines of a divorce, I would want to be broken up with over the phone.
(That said, my ex-husband and I decided to divorce over Skype - though we lived in different countries at that point.)
Part of me wonders if Skype would be an option that is kinder than the phone but more convenient than the in-person options - but I also wonder if it might just make it worse to have to see their facial expressions but not be in the same room.
posted by Neely O'Hara at 8:16 PM on July 10, 2013 [2 favorites]
(That said, my ex-husband and I decided to divorce over Skype - though we lived in different countries at that point.)
Part of me wonders if Skype would be an option that is kinder than the phone but more convenient than the in-person options - but I also wonder if it might just make it worse to have to see their facial expressions but not be in the same room.
posted by Neely O'Hara at 8:16 PM on July 10, 2013 [2 favorites]
I agree that a neutral place like a coffee shop is wisest. Let the person know in advance that you want to go for coffee when you get there so that s/he doesn't spend a ton of time cleaning and making food (or potentially won't do this).
Also, don't worry too much about giving this away in advance. Red flags will happen, and remember that if the person can't really dodge picking you up when you don't drive, so don't worry about setting off alarms. You're trying to break up responsibly, not serve the person with legal papers.
posted by yellowcandy at 8:17 PM on July 10, 2013
Also, don't worry too much about giving this away in advance. Red flags will happen, and remember that if the person can't really dodge picking you up when you don't drive, so don't worry about setting off alarms. You're trying to break up responsibly, not serve the person with legal papers.
posted by yellowcandy at 8:17 PM on July 10, 2013
You're breaking up with this person; the best way to minimize how much it sucks is to get on with it. Are you sure you're not making it more complicated than it needs to be as a firm of procrastination? I don't think they're going to care that much about having unnecessarily cleaned the house and made a 20-minute drive.
Tell them you're only coming for a shorter visit than usual. Let them meet you at the train, then go straight to a coffee shop. Break up kindly.
For their sake, please just get it over with.
posted by Salamander at 8:30 PM on July 10, 2013
Tell them you're only coming for a shorter visit than usual. Let them meet you at the train, then go straight to a coffee shop. Break up kindly.
For their sake, please just get it over with.
posted by Salamander at 8:30 PM on July 10, 2013
In person is good as the default setting for breakups, but it's not the greatest choice here. Pick up the phone and get the job done.
The kindest thing isn't always in-person. The kindest thing is ripping off the band-aid and letting the person get one with their life.
posted by 26.2 at 8:33 PM on July 10, 2013 [5 favorites]
The kindest thing isn't always in-person. The kindest thing is ripping off the band-aid and letting the person get one with their life.
posted by 26.2 at 8:33 PM on July 10, 2013 [5 favorites]
Best answer: Don't agonize too much over the way you do it. In person is usually held to be more classy, but in this case it might be a courtesy just to call. If you are concerned about wasting their time, in a sense they are already wasting it anticipating the visit etc. It might be a kind gesture to say, "Would you like to meet and discuss this in person?" while making it clear that your mind is made up.
posted by BibiRose at 8:35 PM on July 10, 2013
posted by BibiRose at 8:35 PM on July 10, 2013
Best answer: Oh for heaven's sake. This is why Alexander Graham Bell went to all the trouble.
I broke an ENGAGEMENT over the phone once. (We lived in distant states at the time.) No, it's not ideal, but neither is anticipating a nice visit one way or the other and then getting The Speech. If it were me, I would much rather it be a phone call.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 8:42 PM on July 10, 2013 [23 favorites]
I broke an ENGAGEMENT over the phone once. (We lived in distant states at the time.) No, it's not ideal, but neither is anticipating a nice visit one way or the other and then getting The Speech. If it were me, I would much rather it be a phone call.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 8:42 PM on July 10, 2013 [23 favorites]
If you have to do it long distance, use the phone. Do not travel a long distance in order to break up in person. The in person rule works when you live nearby, but it sucks to make someone travel to be dumped, plus then you have put them out, or are stranded with someone who's heartbroken, etc.
When I got long-distanced dumped over e-mail--yeah yeah, I know, but at least he bothered to tell me we were breaking up--it was a little annoying to not be able to grab my stuff back or have a "one last time" sort of moment (though really, I think I knew it was coming the last time I saw him, the breakup was a few weeks later). But in the long run, you don't want that person around while you are crying or vice versa, you know?
Also, someone I used to know told me that she flew to visit the guy in another state and he broke up with her when she arrived--then she was stranded there crying and had booked the time and tickets to see him and all that jazz. Don't do that--just do it over the phone and never see them again.
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:42 PM on July 10, 2013
When I got long-distanced dumped over e-mail--yeah yeah, I know, but at least he bothered to tell me we were breaking up--it was a little annoying to not be able to grab my stuff back or have a "one last time" sort of moment (though really, I think I knew it was coming the last time I saw him, the breakup was a few weeks later). But in the long run, you don't want that person around while you are crying or vice versa, you know?
Also, someone I used to know told me that she flew to visit the guy in another state and he broke up with her when she arrived--then she was stranded there crying and had booked the time and tickets to see him and all that jazz. Don't do that--just do it over the phone and never see them again.
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:42 PM on July 10, 2013
Skype, video chat? That is how I ended one long-term, long-distance relationship...It sucked, but it wasn't like driving 8 hours just to break up was going to hurt any less.
posted by like_a_friend at 9:27 PM on July 10, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by like_a_friend at 9:27 PM on July 10, 2013 [2 favorites]
Do it over the phone. Don't make them waste a trip out, and definitely not at a coffee shop!
posted by radioamy at 9:39 PM on July 10, 2013
posted by radioamy at 9:39 PM on July 10, 2013
I had a break-up that involved significant travel. Don't do it. In retrospect, it would have been easier and less bitter for both of us if we'd done it over the phone. Call and talk.
posted by quince at 9:54 PM on July 10, 2013
posted by quince at 9:54 PM on July 10, 2013
It seems that you are overthinking the details and trying to optimize the breakup experience because you feel guilty about breaking up or are scared of your partner's reaction. (Your talk of not wanting to make your partner "waste" a 20 minute drive or "raise red flags" makes me worry a bit that there might be abuse happening in your relationship, but maybe you just don't want to hurt your partner more than necessary.) The thing to realize is that the details of the breakup don't really matter. Personally I would argue that once you're sure you want to break up the compassionate thing to do is to communicate that without delay. If I were in your shoes I would break up now by phone or video chat. If you're afraid of a violent reaction from your partner, then definitely phone or Skype.
posted by medusa at 9:57 PM on July 10, 2013
posted by medusa at 9:57 PM on July 10, 2013
Having just navigated a very similar dilemma, I vote for the phone. In this situation, it may indeed be more compassionate, as the person may feel blindsided if he/she expects to see you, have dinner, etc. as usual and then has to deal with a breakup. Besides, depending on the personality of your significant other, being dumped in public (station or coffee shop) might seem far worse than having to deal with the same news via a private phone call.
If you do want to do it in person, though, I vote for letting your significant other know that you plan to have an important conversation with them first. Raising red flags may seem scary, but at least that way your s.o. will have some sense of what to expect. That might be kinder than delivering a total surprise.
posted by chicainthecity at 10:07 PM on July 10, 2013 [2 favorites]
If you do want to do it in person, though, I vote for letting your significant other know that you plan to have an important conversation with them first. Raising red flags may seem scary, but at least that way your s.o. will have some sense of what to expect. That might be kinder than delivering a total surprise.
posted by chicainthecity at 10:07 PM on July 10, 2013 [2 favorites]
I have gone through a break up that involved air travel. For years I was saying to my ex, "why didn't you just do it over the phone?!"
posted by miles1972 at 11:23 PM on July 10, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by miles1972 at 11:23 PM on July 10, 2013 [1 favorite]
Best answer: The in-person breakup rule really only applies to established long-term, short-distance relationships. It's not kinder or more merciful to break up in person if meeting in person is an uncommon and "special" or logistically difficult occurrence. Do it over the phone so you can spare yourselves the uncomfortable trip.
posted by Metroid Baby at 4:32 AM on July 11, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by Metroid Baby at 4:32 AM on July 11, 2013 [3 favorites]
The in-person rule for breaking up, to me anyway, is a good rule of thumb because most relationships are primarily face to face affairs. LDRs are not. Your relationship is a skype or phone relationship where the majority of your time together was spent via some other form of communication, so that form of communication is appropriate for the break up. If you were having an argument with the intention to stay together you wouldn't put it on pause while one of you traveled an hour to have it, so doing so to end it seems like it's just adding to the potential drama that comes with breaking up.
posted by itsonreserve at 5:47 AM on July 11, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by itsonreserve at 5:47 AM on July 11, 2013 [1 favorite]
Phone.
It's not chicken shit, it's the easiest, kindest most expeditious way of doing it.
Once, my sister went on a second date with a guy she met on Jdate. She didn't have the greatest first date, but thought that the second might be better. They met at a restaurant. Before the waiter took their order the guy reached across the table, took her hands and said, "I don't think this is going to work out." My sister was a bit confused but said, "Fine with me," then she grabbed her purse and got up to leave. The guy was confused too, "Where are you going?" Sissy said, "Well, I don't see any point in prolonging this, I'll just drive through Taco Bell on my way home." Then she left.
The point being that there are somethings better done quickly and easily. Who wants to get all dressed up for a date, drive to the place only to have the guy dump you? No one!
So make your life easier, do this over the phone. I PROMISE you, when you look back on it in ten years, you'll know it was the right way to do it.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 6:49 AM on July 11, 2013 [2 favorites]
It's not chicken shit, it's the easiest, kindest most expeditious way of doing it.
Once, my sister went on a second date with a guy she met on Jdate. She didn't have the greatest first date, but thought that the second might be better. They met at a restaurant. Before the waiter took their order the guy reached across the table, took her hands and said, "I don't think this is going to work out." My sister was a bit confused but said, "Fine with me," then she grabbed her purse and got up to leave. The guy was confused too, "Where are you going?" Sissy said, "Well, I don't see any point in prolonging this, I'll just drive through Taco Bell on my way home." Then she left.
The point being that there are somethings better done quickly and easily. Who wants to get all dressed up for a date, drive to the place only to have the guy dump you? No one!
So make your life easier, do this over the phone. I PROMISE you, when you look back on it in ten years, you'll know it was the right way to do it.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 6:49 AM on July 11, 2013 [2 favorites]
If you were in your SO's shoes, what would you prefer? Clearly, they're not going to be happy about any of the options... you can't really "win" unless you borrow or rent a vehicle and drive there. They could feel put-upon in any case. Do what you think is fair. Personally, I don't think breaking up by phone is hurtful in your situation.
posted by wryly at 10:57 AM on July 11, 2013
posted by wryly at 10:57 AM on July 11, 2013
Phone. What is your soon-to-be-ex going to say, "I wish they'd gotten me all excited to see them and have me clear off my weekend so they could break up with me"?
After the breakup speech, you could say, "I'd like to cut off contact, but if you're in my town and you want to discuss the breakup face-to-face, let me know."
posted by Unangenehm at 1:42 PM on July 11, 2013
After the breakup speech, you could say, "I'd like to cut off contact, but if you're in my town and you want to discuss the breakup face-to-face, let me know."
posted by Unangenehm at 1:42 PM on July 11, 2013
A couple years ago, I broke up a serious, year-plus long LDR over the phone because of an essentially identical situation (would have been stuck at his house needing a ride back to the train station). He told me he was mad that I didn't say it in person (although he was pretty mad anyway so who knows what difference it would have made) but I have never once doubted that it was the right decision. And I definitely think a phone call is kinder than the humiliating experience that is being broken up with in a public place like a restaurant.
posted by naoko at 4:30 PM on July 11, 2013
posted by naoko at 4:30 PM on July 11, 2013
Now, this is slightly dependent on how long you've been dating/how serious the relationship is, but... they live an hour away? Definitely use the phone. The conversation itself should not last as long as two hours.
If they want more closure, if they want to meet in person, and if you want to, that can happen after/be decided during the phone conversation.
posted by RainyJay at 9:36 AM on July 12, 2013
If they want more closure, if they want to meet in person, and if you want to, that can happen after/be decided during the phone conversation.
posted by RainyJay at 9:36 AM on July 12, 2013
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posted by xingcat at 8:09 PM on July 10, 2013 [2 favorites]