Is it okay to be this impressionable?

July 7, 2013 5:57 PM

It's recently occurred to me that I am very, very impressionable and mold myself around to wherever/whomever I happen to be with at the moment and it's giving me some concern (Oh god I don't have an actual personality! I am such an easy mark! I will totally get swept up in group hysteria!). Should I be worried about this or should I just learn how to deal better with being a ball of wax? Details inside.

It's pretty context specific but - I visit my rich friends for the weekend and I'm speaking in crisp diction and making nice chatter about the Met's current season and wear white pants. I spend a weekend with my Dad and I'm listening to classic rock and wearing flannel and dropping my 'g's for a week afterwards. I visit national history museums and come out convinced that said nation contains the best, brightest, people on Earth. I cry at movies. I am amazing at acquiring accents around me. I find a character on TV I admire and I'll start unconsciously mimicking their vocal tics. I instantly like whatever music is playing in whatever group I'm with. People have noticed this and pointed it out to me and It's making me very self-conscious - to the point where I don't think I genuinely enjoy anything or have any real personality or preferences aside from whatever happens to be in front of me at the moment (obviously ..not true but that's what I'm thinking).

I am not actually an easy mark for scams or cons, and I don't think I'd go against my basic, core "don't be a dickbat/break the law/hurt someone" morality but, if I'm still easily swayed by superficiality....

Is this a real problem? If not, how do I deal?

Possible side note: I am not a working actor now but I was all though childhood and high school. Male, early 30s.

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (24 answers total)

I don't think this is terribly unusual or a bad thing.

It *could* be that it comes from a place of insecurity or a desire to fit in, which everyone experiences from time to time. It's not that bad, though it might be good for you to notice it and observe how you feel when you are away from the source. (When you aren't visiting your rich friends, do you still care about the Met season?)

It could also be that you have a gift for adapting to your surroundings. In some situations this could be a very good thing.

Do you disagree with people when it's something important to you, or a moral issue? That might be something to be aware of going forward.

Awareness is good. Just knowing that you do this and noticing it for a while might lead you to an answer.

When people point it out, make light of it. "Hah, I know, I'm such a chameleon! But at least I'm having fun!" Or "Ya know, I'm sure it may seem odd to you, but I truly have fun where ever I am." But don't get sucked into a deep discussion of it, unless you feel close to them and particularly want to have a deep discussion about it.

(I'm easily swayed by opinions I read online. I've caught myself blending into some pretty silly ideas until someone points out the obvious flaw. Now- sometimes - I try to catch it early, and research counter-arguments or hold back on voicing my opinion until I've had more time to think about it).
posted by bunderful at 6:20 PM on July 7, 2013

I do this too sometimes. I think that, thinking critically about why you might have flawed thinking about a certain thing that you are so enamored by is a very useful exercise, and you owe yourself a lot of credit for even asking such a question. If you are really worried about being manipulated, I would get more familiar with the art of manipulation. Watch Triumph of the Will and see how it messes with your emotions. Then when you go to $nationalistic_museum, you will have an idea of what emotional responses are being triggered. The similarity will be something you'll probably remember from thinking "hey, this reminds me of when I was watching Triumph of the Will and didn't completely hate nazis for 90 minutes."
posted by oceanjesse at 6:21 PM on July 7, 2013

Is the problem that your actual, serious behavior changes or is it just these sort of superficial tics?

Like I pick up accents super-easily. My speech pattern is pretty neutral on a regular basis, but when I go to New Orleans, I pick up the Yat accent and since moving to Texas, I've gotten more of that laconic Texas drawl and say "Howdy" more than I have in my entire life. I called my wife from London once after spending several days there and had gone all "Pip pip cheerio, let's pop round to the pub and have some tea" to the point that she didn't recognize my voice. But I don't change behaviorally, it's just the metaphorical set dressing.

You sound empathetic rather than like a gullible rube, given the short description here. I get the feeling you pick up on and feed well on the energy of others.
posted by Ghostride The Whip at 6:23 PM on July 7, 2013 [4 favorites]

To a degree, you have good social skills-- you make people feel comfortable and learn to "fit in" to the demands of a social venue you find yourself in.

On the other hand, anyone who sees you in different circumstances will be able spot this habit a mile away. It can make it hard to develop close, long term relationships, because your habits will always be transparent to anyone you know well (you mention you're watching a TV program with a friend, and then the next week you're displaying the vocal tics of the main character... and you're busted because your friend knows where you got it from).

A certain amount of "code switching" is allowed between your friends and your family from back home, but people who know you well will probably expect you to "choose a personality" when you get to be an adult. It's hard to trust someone who seems to quick to adopt the norms and habits of the people he's around, because they don't know whether they like you for you or whether that "you" they like is just the current mask you're putting on at the moment. Could get even worse when you're going out with a close friend or family member to visit other people: will they be assured that you'll be the "you" they want to be with and stay on "their side", or are you going to suddenly become the "other you" that adapts to the other people, leaving your companion left out?
posted by deanc at 6:26 PM on July 7, 2013 [4 favorites]

Adjusting your dialect/register to match that of an interlocutor is pretty normal--it's called accommodation. You may also want to look at how agreeableness is defined in the Big Five sense.

Having some sense of personal identity is normal too though. I mean, I hope you at least have likes and dislikes, favorites, symbols/mementos you're fond of for personal reasons, an ability to judge things for yourself and know what you want, etc.--not necessarily an identification with the same aspects of yourself that other people recognize you by, because I suspect it's actually pretty common not to feel much/great about the things other people know you as/from/for/by.
posted by Monsieur Caution at 6:37 PM on July 7, 2013 [2 favorites]

On the musical/movie fronts, consider that you may simply like quite a lot of different things, and that it may take a LOT for a cultural item to turn you actively OFF.

When I was first dating my boyfriend, he said something like "you're so amenable to things" in a way that was like, he clearly suspected that I was just faking in order to please him, and didn't actually like the bands he played for me/restaurants we went to/plans we made.

But honestly I'm just kind of down for whatever. Sure, I have favorites of everything. But I don't have very many least favorites. For example, there are only 2 foods that I actively dislike and avoid. I can find something to dig on in most musical and artistic genres. My engagement with some bands or artists or whatever may not be terribly deep-- that is a valid criticism. But it is genuine! Yours may be, too. Worth examining.

As far as accents, lots of people pick up accents and vocal tics through exposure; I think this is separate from your concerns about not having a "core" personality. Our brains just like to mimic voices, for reasons that probably make sense on some anthropological level.
posted by like_a_friend at 6:37 PM on July 7, 2013 [9 favorites]

This sounds like an asset rather than a liability. I have friends in theatre, and people who are empathetically gifted the way you are make very good actors! Have you considered returning to acting? It sounds like you were probably a natural.

It also sounds like you are open-minded, which is a sign of intelligence, and that you aren't one of those people with the annoying trait of always having to be right. You sound like someone who would be fun to hang out with. The friends of mine with similar personalities to yours are some of my favorite people in the world. They're interested in a lot of things and have a wonderful way of making whoever they are talking to feel very special. They have a huge variety of diverse friends. They're considered good listeners.

The danger of such a gift is using your chameleon superpower to manipulate others--so just try to be aware that can happen and it's not very nice. In fact, you might want to say something about it, in a joking way--like, "oh, I'm an accent sponge, not sure how that happens!" or something so people will know you're not trying to seem like you have more in common with someone than you actually do.

As far as being manipulated yourself, if you're really worried about it, cultivate some strict critical thinking skills that enable you to evaluate information, and learn about how brainwashing works. Google up some info on cults, Stockholm Syndrome, and pyramid schemes and how leaders suck you in. There's a pattern and it's pretty much the same across the board. If someone tries it on you, you'll be able to recognize it.
posted by Rainflower at 6:40 PM on July 7, 2013 [9 favorites]

I wish I were more like this.
posted by John Cohen at 7:25 PM on July 7, 2013 [4 favorites]

It's a problem if you fail to figure out your boundaries and get taken advantage of.
posted by discopolo at 7:30 PM on July 7, 2013 [1 favorite]

I guess the real question is, do you actually have a personality, or do you decide what to like based on what you think you're supposed to like? If you are your own person but do a good job of fitting in, that's great. It can be a problem if you go too far and end up not having a clue who you really are because you never allowed yourself to follow your own tastes and preferences.

I've known a few people who care more about fitting in than they care about their own interests. They flip from thing to thing and end up feeling mostly empty because there's never a point where they really belong since the things they're pretending to like or pretending to be aren't who they are. I know a woman who is vegetarian. Er, vegan. Uhm, wait. Make that lactose free. Or is it gluten free this week? I wish I was kidding when I say that when she realized a few of her friends were gluten free, she announced that she too had, and I quote "been planning on going glucos free!"

Glucose free? Good luck with that. Also: facepalm.

But some people really do that. They want so badly to fit in or be 'cool' that they end up being nothing at all. Be careful to make sure you don't end up being one of those people.

Just be who you are and you'll be fine.
posted by 2oh1 at 7:41 PM on July 7, 2013

I believe this is a strength, to fit in in many environments/ with many people. Just be sure you recognize situations when you should be assertive. Are you able to stand up for yourself/ for others?

"It can make it hard to develop close, long term relationships, because your habits will always be transparent to anyone you know well." Yes, this is something to note. I am very adaptable to many environments too, and find it hard to develop very close, long term relationships. I sometimes draw a blank when someone asks me what how I feel, away from the groups I'm in. Ask yourself some questions, alone, once in a while to find out how you think.

But as long as you know right from wrong and can be assertive when you need to be, it is okay.
posted by ichomp at 7:52 PM on July 7, 2013 [1 favorite]

You're easily assimilated. Leonard Bernstein wrote a song about that. I've never been in a city that I wasn't asked for directions, and that includes Kyoto and Cairo. As long as you're not lying or faking, I think this sort of sensitivity and adaptability is a useful skill. Makes you a great tour leader, anthropologist, reporter--embrace the many facets of yourself.
posted by Ideefixe at 8:25 PM on July 7, 2013 [1 favorite]

But you DO have a personality - it is outgoing and adaptable I don't have those traits and I admire people that do. Being flexible is a great personality trait! Why don't you own that? You don't have to pick a stereotyped personality. You sound like a unique individual.
posted by Valkyrie21 at 8:40 PM on July 7, 2013 [1 favorite]

Everyone does this to some degree. I mean, we all want to fit in, and we all wear a different face depending on who we're around. I'm different around my family, compared to my friends, and compared to my work mode, etc. I don't really know anyone who acts the same around everyone 100% of the time. I mean, don't (most) people yearn for a 'soul mate' on some level so they can truly 'be themselves' around them, finally? Also I tend to change my accent a little when I'm in the US, or when I'm around non-English speakers. For me, it's mostly so I can be understood better, though.

I think it's fine to be into a lot of things depending on the scenario you find yourself in; I too enjoy a lot of hobbies, I love cultures of all kinds, I love all kinds of music, and I appreciate different kinds of fashion.

It certainly makes almost all situations interesting and fun, it probably makes you a great conversationalist and makes it easier to find common ground with people. I think it's a wonderful thing to be the way you are because it makes you very appreciative of things, more open minded than most people, and willing to go with the flow.

But do you have a sense of self? When you're alone, are there things you enjoy and gravitate towards? What are those things? What would you want to do or like to do if you could do anything? And do you like wearing the white pants and wrapping the Tommy blazer around your shoulders? If you were by yourself would you want to dress that way? Or would you want to wear flannel? Or both? Or none?

I think you should figure out things like that, and ask yourself what makes you.... you. Also, think about how your friends perceive you. What would they say are your base traits? Your interests? What would they say identifies you? If they would be struggling to figure out who you are inside, or if each group of friends would have a completely different impression of you, perhaps try and make your different facets of your personality a little more congruent.

I'd personally only see this as a concern, if around a particular group of friends, discussing the Mets and so on and so forth, that if people start talking about classic rock and how much it sucks compared to whatever -- and who would want to listen to that and who would ever dress in flannel, those weirdos-- that your instinct isn't to chime in with them and say, "oh, of course! I agree! Flannel is for hobos!" But that you would instead say, "well, I actually enjoy classic rock quite a fair bit, too. And I rock my flannel!"

It's fine to be a sort of chameleon, as long that you're doing it for genuine reasons. That is, are truly interested in a lot of things, have no real preference on some things, are curious and easy going and identify easily with others, and you truly enjoy these things. If your instinct is to blend in because you solely want to fit in with the scenario and people around you at the time, and that's your motivation, perhaps try and find what really guides you.

But it's okay for your sense of self to be made up of little bits of everything. That, in its own way, is actually something that does make up your personality.
posted by Dimes at 9:33 PM on July 7, 2013

I agree with what others are saying, that it can be a strength as long as you have some opinions of your own and a core personality. I've always thought I'm a bit like that too - I describe myself as being like water (rather than wax) - I reflect others back to themselves, conform to the shape (situation) I'm in but put me in a different shape (situation) and I'll be different. I used to see that as weak and powerless but had several people point out to me that water is also itself, it can also be powerful and shaping (not just shaped); that its state changes (ice, steam) can be very dramatic and powerful. Leaving aside, of course, the whole bit about water being in everything and we'd die without it. This is metaphorical water, not literal scientific water.

So yeah, water is always water, even if it has reflective properties and shape-changing properties. Mutability can be a great strength as long as you are essentially you at the heart of yourself. You can adapt easily, get on with people easily, be interested in a lot of things, pick up other languages/accents easily (side note: I'd always taken on others' accents too until I moved to Australia - Australian is tough!), listen to other people and understand where they're coming from. It's a gift. And being aware of the flip side of the gift may help you avoid the negative aspects.
posted by Athanassiel at 10:04 PM on July 7, 2013 [1 favorite]

I think your age is a key factor. If you are in your early 20's, you may still be working on finding out who you are. If you are in your late 20's or older, you might have some issues with making decisions and commitments and what you have described might be a manifestation of those issues. So that's at least something for you to consider if you think it's a problem.
posted by Dansaman at 10:22 PM on July 7, 2013 [1 favorite]

At least some of those people you are spending time around are ones you are choosing to hang out with. Why are you choosing them? I imagine that at least part of the reason is that they are similar to you, or feel similar to you, or are similar to how you imagine yourself or desire to be. So cool! That's your personality. It might be that because you are so adaptable and agreeable, you mask that true personality somewhat by shifting towards the traits of others who you are not choosing to spend time with entirely freely (e.g. family, colleagues, etc) and that is confusing you. But if you want to know who you are, look at the people you freely associate with and see what they have in common.
posted by lollusc at 11:19 PM on July 7, 2013 [1 favorite]

I think you can consider being malleable to be part of your identity. It's not a contradiction. Even a chameleon gets to say, "I am a chameleon."

Maybe you have more of an inner life, so that these outer things are not important to your sense of self. You don't need much from people and don't need to prove anything in their eyes; you just want to get along and be friends.

Have you ever been off on your own, without a friendship group for awhile? What would happen if you were around a lot of people you didn't want to be like, or who did not think well of you? You might have more of an identity than you realize.
posted by fleacircus at 4:27 AM on July 8, 2013

I'm the same way, perhaps not to quite the same degree, but I am certainly familiar with everything you've written here.

First off, I have to agree with what so many others wrote: this is a gift. It's not evidence of a lack of personality, it is a large part of your personality.

Here's the best advice I can give you. Your main anxiety here seems not to stem from the idea that you're a chameleon, but that you somehow lack control--that you take a passive role in life or are "victim" to your surroundings. I say this: Own this empathetic aspect of yourself. This is who you are. Be aware of it. Be proud of it. If you come to feel like you're choosing to relate to people from all walks of life or tapping into your inner chameleon to appreciate a variety of art and culture, you'll probably get more out of it--including, one hopes, some inner peace.
posted by duffell at 6:45 AM on July 8, 2013 [4 favorites]

Spend enough time alone that you can figure out what your own needs and boundaries are, independent of what others want of you. In my experience, failure to know yourself and defend yourself the biggest risk with this trait.

Aside from that, it can be a gift to be able to absorb and adapt.
posted by ead at 6:51 AM on July 8, 2013 [1 favorite]

Be as you are.

Just make sure that you're getting something out of your interactions, and that you're not doing all the giving (overtly or inadvertently, by being so flexible). As long as there is equal-ish give and take, and mutual support, then I think you're fine to be as flexible and socially adept as you are.

And pick a couple of "I don't budge on these opinions" causes, whatever they are for you. They could be the big ones (religion, politics, abortion...) or small (mint tea is the devil), and honor them.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 7:35 AM on July 8, 2013 [1 favorite]

Oh, hi, younger me! I went through a lot of worrying about not having a personality or authentic preferences in my 20s. And then in my 30s I went to therapy, and discovered that while I'll always enjoy being amenable, I Did have deeply held desires and preferences and a personality. And I was infinitely happier once I'd identified those things.

Along the way, I found it helpful to read about a personality type called the peacemaker. The enneagram system is thoroughly woo, but I took what was useful and found it reassuring to know that there were a lot of people who do the same things.

Mostly, like everyone else, I think you'll be fine, and encourage you to balance your own desires with the cultures around you.
posted by ldthomps at 8:20 AM on July 8, 2013

I am an Enneagram type 9, also.

I discovered The Enneagram several years ago, and while some of it is woo, like ldthomps says, it really helped me understand myself. OP, you sound very much like me. The thing I have to remember is to not lose myself in the sea of what everyone else wants. I have to constantly remind myself that I, too, have preferences and desires and I have every right to make them known.

I will say, I embrace the chameleon aspect of myself. I am able to fit in wherever, and make anyone I'm around feel immediately comfortable. These are great traits to have!
posted by Falwless at 10:11 AM on July 8, 2013

So you can fit in socially in a wide variety of situations. This is a good skill to have.

I spend a weekend with my Dad and I'm listening to classic rock and wearing flannel and dropping my 'g's for a week afterwards

This is the one thing that stands out to me as something to be concerned about. It seems like you are saying you spent a weekend with your dad, and after your visit was over, you continued to dress and talk like he did for a week, even though you don't generally do that.

If you find yourself irresistibly compelled to wear flannel and play classic rock, even when you don't want to and would rather make another choice, you might consider seeking help with those urges.

OTOH, if it is only your dad has an effect on you that lasts this long, you might be nostalgic or just returning to habits of dress and speech you had as a child, which happens to a lot of people.
posted by yohko at 11:51 AM on July 8, 2013