Wish I could knit you a quilt....
July 1, 2013 3:22 PM   Subscribe

My close friend is getting married in a few weeks, no registry. I'm traveling to the wedding. Cash is cold, no? What's a bridesmaid to do?

A dear friend of mine is getting married in three weeks and she does not have a registry. I have been racking my brain trying to come up with a thoughtful gift, and I am totally stumped. I’m hesitant to give cash because we’re close friends and I’m a bridesmaid. My gift should be more personal, no? I’m not married, so I’m not sure what gifts are most appreciated, useful, thoughtful?

Details:

-Both are academics, met in the same grad program.
-Both love architecture and photography.
-They’ve lived together for a number of years, and I think they are pretty set kitchen & bathroom-wise.
-I’m flying to the wedding the day before, so the gift has to be travel-size, and ideally able to fit in my carry-on.

Any ideas or tips are greatly appreciated!
posted by hollypolly to Human Relations (24 answers total)
 
Best answer: Unless there is something you KNOW they want, give them cash and a really lovely personal note. It's what everyone, especially people who have just spent $$$ on a wedding, really truly wants.
posted by brainmouse at 3:24 PM on July 1, 2013 [9 favorites]


Maybe you can do a combo of something handmade and something cash/giftcard?

That way it's something personal like a nice handmade card/letter, a painting, etc and then they have cash to put toward something large.
posted by Crystalinne at 3:25 PM on July 1, 2013


A sentimental, artistic gift is always nice-- this is my favored non-registry gift. (champagne flutes, candle holders, vases)

A gift card to a nice housewares store like Williams-Sonoma is also a good idea.

A fresh, crisp $100 bill in a gift envelope is never unappreciated.
posted by deanc at 3:26 PM on July 1, 2013


Cash is loved by all. But if you decide on a non-envelopeable gift, don't fly it to the wedding, because then they (or some other poor schmuck) will just have to fly it back, along with everything else that should have been sent directly to their house.
posted by sageleaf at 3:42 PM on July 1, 2013 [4 favorites]


Do you have any friends in the area? If so, buy, wrap, and ship the gift in advance (alternatively, buy it in advance, ship it or have it shipped to the friend, and then pick it up and wrap it at your destination).

Carrying a wrapped gift as carry-on is a trap for the unwary. It's not strictly speaking prohibited, but they can make you open it if they are feeling ornery or stressed.

I had a friend who used to give really beautiful and simple Japanese tea sets as wedding gifts for academics and the unregistered. Very interesting and beautiful, functional, and unique -- you always think of her when you see the tea set and you're almost guaranteed not to repeat someone else's gift.
posted by janey47 at 3:53 PM on July 1, 2013


When we got married we deliberately didn't have a gift list in the hope that people would give us cash, as we didn't know how to politely ask for it. So any gifts people bought us were welcomed, but mostly people gave money and it was really appreciated. I'd say they'd be more than happy with a cash present.

However as you're also bridesmaid, and to offset your feeling that money alone is too impersonal, as they like photography what about getting a really nice photo frame as well? You could maybe include a photo of the two of them when they just met if you can find one. It's small enough to pack, and won't be hassle for her to bring back. I really liked getting a couple of wrapped gifts at the reception as we opened them next morning and it prolonged the fun. Hope you all have a great day!
posted by billiebee at 3:55 PM on July 1, 2013


For established couples I have a real preference for consumable gifts. Lately I've been giving a mixed box of rim sugars (in different colours) and rim salts (in different colours.) I custom order from Dell Cove, because the stuff arrives boxed and with recipe cards which I think is nice.

It also lends itself to a wedding card like "For richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, on sweet sidecars and on salty margaritas! Enjoy in happiness and health!"
posted by DarlingBri at 3:56 PM on July 1, 2013 [2 favorites]


People who don't have wedding registries in this day and age do so because it's the accepted, polite way to say 'please give us cash'.

If you really want to get them a gift, I suggest a gift certificate for an experience near them they are likely to enjoy -- theater tickets, dinner at a nice restaurant, white water rafting, whatever they're into.
posted by jacquilynne at 3:56 PM on July 1, 2013


Best answer: Cash is viewed differently in different parts of the country/cultural traditions. However, if someone doesn't have a registry, that tells me that they want cash. It definitely does not tell me that they want a hundred different artsy photographs or handmade tea cozies or sets of crystal tchotchkes. Unfortunately, that's what they're likely to get from a bunch of well-meaning friends and relatives who want to give them something "thoughtful" or "sentimental" or "unique." And for every potential recipient who might love and use your hand-chosen gift, there's at least one more who will hate it and sell it at their garage sale, and if your friends are polite, you'll never know whether they liked it or not, because they'll tell you they loved it and then privately trash it behind your back.

I sort of hate the wedding gift tradition overall, and I've loved my friends who said, "we're not registering, and we want no gifts, AND WE MEAN IT!!" But if your friends haven't said that they don't want gifts, I'd assume that they want cash. Because not saying anything about gifts is the most acceptable way in polite society to say, please write us a check in the amount of your choosing. So, cash is, in my opinion, the correct answer.

And, as sageleaf says, you should never bring a gift larger than an envelope to the wedding, unless someone explicitly tells you to do so. (Ideally, you also wouldn't bring the envelope to the wedding, because that's a great way for checks/cash to get lost.) Send stuff to their home so that they don't have to deal with presents along with the thousand other logistical details they have to deal with that day.
posted by decathecting at 3:56 PM on July 1, 2013 [1 favorite]


People who don't have wedding registries in this day and age do so because it's the accepted, polite way to say 'please give us cash'.

Not always though. Sometimes it's saying "Seriously, we're 35 years old. We do not need any more wine glasses, towels or picture frames. SERIOUSLY."
posted by DarlingBri at 3:58 PM on July 1, 2013 [11 favorites]


Give them the fixings for a date night.
posted by dpx.mfx at 4:03 PM on July 1, 2013


I didn't expect anything from my honor attendants- they put a ton of energy into my wedding, not to mention the money it cost to fly here. That was PLENTY gift enough!
posted by small_ruminant at 4:19 PM on July 1, 2013 [3 favorites]


Whether you give a gift or not, don't underestimate the power of a thoughtful note in the card! I recently got married and most people just signed their names to a generic card, but one of my bridesmaids wrote the most endearing and personal note to us, which I will remember more than any gift.
posted by wsquared at 4:25 PM on July 1, 2013 [1 favorite]


I think it's okay for you, as a bridesmaid, to ask why there's no registry: is it a request for cash gifts or is it because "Seriously, we're 35 years old. We do not need any more wine glasses, towels or picture frames. SERIOUSLY." or is it because they know most of their friends are spending enough just to attend? In my circle of friends, the last two are the most common reasons for no registry at weddings.

If the bride says they really don't want gifts (whether it's because they have all they need or they don't want their friends to spend more on the wedding), feel comfortable with not bringing a gift. Maybe write nice card, wishing them the best and thanking them for letting you be part of the wedding. If you absolutely must give a gift, make sure it's something consumable (cash is consumable, or pick a nice port to be opened on their 20th anniversary, call a fancy local restaurant and get a gift certificate toward dinner). If you decide to send something larger than an envelope, mailing it directly to their house is better than bringing it to the reception.
posted by crush-onastick at 4:27 PM on July 1, 2013


Are they going to a foreign country for their honeymoon? If so, a "giftier" way to give cash could be to give cash in the currency of the country/ies they are going to. Mr. just_ducky and I are going to Europe for our honeymoon, and my work colleagues gave us euros, which was both thoughtful and practical!
posted by just_ducky at 5:24 PM on July 1, 2013 [3 favorites]


I fall back on "gift cards to something I know they like paired with a token something that goes with it" for this kind of thing. One friends' wedding I just went to actually had a registry, and one of the things on it was movie passes - I got them that, but paired it with a copy of the "1001 Movies To See Before You Die" book. Another time someone was really into Chinese cooking, so I got them a gift card for some lessons, and paired it with some nice chopsticks.

Something like that - the big-ticket thing is a gift card or check, but you pair it with something cute and small and thematic so it feels more "festive".
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:38 PM on July 1, 2013


Best answer: Before getting married I would have been mortified to give someone cash. After... Well. Firstly I was really taken aback, in a nice way, by how many people did give us cash. We weren't expecting anything, let alone envelopes stuffed with bills. I'm still blown away by the generosity shown. And it wasn't impersonal either - people wrote us beautiful messages on the cards that accompanied the money, some of which I still remember and all of which we've saved. These messages meant much more to us than very expensive gifts we had no use for. (Which we were also grateful for, because, again, unexpected, and how lovely to be thought of at all) but... yeah. Which we'll never ever use. I think if you can't be sure of what they'd like, a generous cash gift (within your budget), with a heartfelt note, is absolutely fine.
posted by t0astie at 8:21 PM on July 1, 2013 [1 favorite]


Give them a gift card for a restaurant in their area that they like. Include movie passes as well. They will think of you when they go on their first date night as a married couple. You can include a note that gets her thinking about the value of a good marriage, one that includes fun time spent together as a couple.
posted by myselfasme at 2:50 AM on July 2, 2013


Are they going on honeymoon? Giving them the cash in the currency of their destination might be a more personal way to give it to them, plus they can think of you as they drink the ridiculously expensive wine they might not otherwise have ordered.
posted by billiebee at 3:41 AM on July 2, 2013


Cash is not cold as a wedding gift.
Cash is GOLD!

As in: yes, money is fine.
posted by Ms Vegetable at 5:46 AM on July 2, 2013


DarlingBri: "Not always though. Sometimes it's saying "Seriously, we're 35 years old. We do not need any more wine glasses, towels or picture frames. SERIOUSLY.""

I'm with DarlingBri on this one. I'm getting married soon, and if it were up to me, we would not have a registry at all for this very reason (plus, I'm just squicked out by the notion that simply because I'm getting married, people owe us gifts. Gifts are obligations, and I'd rather just not.) So definitely consider that the reason your friend does not have a registry is that she just doesn't want gifts.

That being said, if you can't just discuss this with her, cash. (I would submit that you're in the wedding, and flying in - she might be considering your attendance and participation to be more than gift enough!)
posted by namewithoutwords at 7:57 AM on July 2, 2013


Best answer: You could get them a gift card for a specialized art/architecture bookstore, so that they could indulge in a great coffee table book that they might not otherwise get -- I can drool over photos of Gehry buildings, say, or Japanese gardens, for hours. Alternatively, you could get them a book like that, but the gift card might give them more freedom to get one they really love.

Or anything that smacks of leisure. A set of DVDs of classic Warner Brothers cartoons (or School House Rock!); a certificate for a wine-tasting class; a his-and-hers massage for after the honeymoon. Those would probably fit in your suitcase as well as a gorgeous book of design photographs, and be lighter...
posted by acm at 8:23 AM on July 2, 2013


Best answer: (p.s.) For those who are squicked by registries, think how many people are being put on the spot in just this way! Make a list that allows your guests some creative space -- we had a double sleeping bag, a camping stove, a set of bidding boxes for bridge, some cartoon DVDs, a wine pump, cat toys, boxed games, imported tea, all kinds of stuff that ranged in type and price range, and we got a lot of fun out of seeing how the various personalities lined up with their choices. Plus, dull old Aunt Marge could sign up for a set of really nice sheets and feel she had done her part... There are ways to set up registries across multiple stores(And this way, you don't end up with three crystal vases you have no use for, or the silver wedding cake knife, or a heap of white elephant knick-knacks that your close pals feel obligated to pick out for you, whether or not your house is full...)
posted by acm at 8:30 AM on July 2, 2013 [1 favorite]


boilermonster and I just got married last weekend and we certainly didn't mind getting cash, though we liked thoughtful cards just as much. That's how you know you're old, I guess. Here's what we did for a registry. We weren't going to have one at all but an aunt STRONGLY suggested one & we succumbed.
posted by small_ruminant at 10:43 AM on July 2, 2013


« Older Can my phone be saved?   |   Please help me phrase this request to my landlord.... Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.