All he did was looked at him
June 25, 2013 10:48 AM   Subscribe

What should you do if you are the target of a PTSD-induced outburst?

I walked into a restaurant this past weekend and right into an all-out PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder)-induced, obscenity-laced tirade. A young vet, who was much taller and stronger-looking than anyone else there, was screaming at someone in a very vulgar and threatening way. The combination of his verbal assault and his physical size and body language was very unnerving to everyone. He was clearly very much out of control, and he wouldn't stop. He kept going on and on until he finally left with his family. As he was walking out, I overheard people who seemed to be his relatives and were very gingerly trying to calm him down say something about "the base" and "counselor", so I realized he was probably a vet who was suffering from PTSD, and when I sat down at a table and asked the server what had precipitated the outburst, he confirmed that's what it was about (I presume a family member of the vet said something to the restaurant staff). He also said that what triggered it was simply the vet not liking the way someone looked at him. I sensed that everyone in the restaurant, although rattled by what had happened, felt very sad and sympathetic about this vet's condition rather than thinking he was a jerk or bully or anything like that.

I've read about PTSD, but seeing an incident like that first hand really made me realize how severe it can be. It also made me realize that you never know when you might be the target of an outburst. So my question is, if you look at somebody or say something and you happen to trigger a PTSD-related hostile response, what should you do? Should you apologize and try to calm the person down, or should you just look away, or should you get as far away as you can as fast as possible? Obviously this is kind of a hypothetical question because you likely wouldn't know anything about the person's condition in such a situation, but when I watched a few people in the restaurant try to calm the man down, I didn't know if they were putting themselves at risk of being harmed by standing next to him and trying to calm him in a soft voice, and there's no way for me to know whether what they did made the situation better, worse, or had no effect. So I'm curious whether there's a "best" response in such a situation.
posted by Dansaman to Human Relations (8 answers total) 12 users marked this as a favorite
 
The best thing you can do is be calm, and disengage. You can say something like, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend you." Very innocuous and consiliatory. This may not be enough. If the person is really going off, you can decide to leave the situation, "I'm sorry, I think the best thing for me to do is leave."

Hopefully, either family members or other folks who know this person will intervene. If the person is alone, and seems to be getting more agitated or violent, ask someone to call the police, they have training for these situations.

You never know what the other person's story is, but you also don't want to be assaulted. If you feel unsafe, call the police.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 10:54 AM on June 25, 2013 [3 favorites]


What the Bunny said. There's little you can do in these situations that isn't likely to escalate it further, especially as a bystander. All you can do is be ready to react if it takes a turn for the worse and trust in his family or friends to deal with it.

And be extra-kind to the staff and other patrons afterward. They had to deal with more of it than you did (especially the staff), so go out of your way to make the rest of their shift more pleasant.
posted by Etrigan at 11:06 AM on June 25, 2013


First, diagnosing someone with PTSD for being upset and a veteran at the same time seems kind of irresponsible and more than a little patronizing.

Second, having PTSD isn't an excuse for acting like an asshole.

So, third, the best way to handle a situation like that is how you would handle anyone else being an asshole towards those around him:

If you know the person, you can try to what you know about that person to help calm them down/remove them from the situation. If you don't know the person, disengage, unless they are causing or threatening harm to another person, in which case you call the cops and (if you feel qualified) try to intervene.
posted by sparklemotion at 11:13 AM on June 25, 2013 [1 favorite]


Response by poster: Nobody was diagnosing. I said that apparently a family member of the vet said something to the restaurant staff about the situation (which is what you would indeed expect them to do in such a situation).
posted by Dansaman at 11:21 AM on June 25, 2013 [2 favorites]


Asking at to do in the wake of a "PTSD reaction" is a little bit off-course, because sometimes, you have no idea that someone is reacting to PTSD at all. Many people who have been harmed and suffer from PTSD are victims that you'd never know are reacting, because they disengage (abuse victims can shut down completely, or cry, or be angry, or any number of reactions, for instance).

When someone is reacting to you in what seems like an unreasonable manner, all you can do is protect yourself physically (get away if you're in physical harm's way), disengage yourself from any psychological things they are trying to do to you (it's not about you), and, if possible, make sure that the person isn't harming him/herself. That last one could be the hardest and most worrisome, because if the reaction is truly out of scope, you conceivably could do more harm than good by trying to "protect" someone other than yourself.
posted by xingcat at 11:26 AM on June 25, 2013 [3 favorites]


Make sure you're safe i.e. they won't come after you.

Call police if necessary.

If it's a stranger, it's tough because you don't have their trust.

Be calm. Rid your body language of anything potentially aggressive (eye contact, anger, tension etc.) that would make them see you as a threat. Exposing your wrists and neck are animal signs of trust. Slouching the shoulders shows intimidation / submission (= nonthreatening).

Suggest things to bring them back to here and now (what do you see/hear/smell ?)

Bring their logic online while validating their fear/anger. What did the waitress do? Yeah that could feel affronting. But this kind of thing rarely happens in restaurants.

Fill your heart with love and wish it towards them. It really helps.

** Only if you've had lots of NLP training and there's no risk to your person**
You can match their state and bring them out of it. This is what the police are trained to do. So if they're angry, hold your body a little tense, stand beside them, breathe at the same time as them. Ask what's wrong. As they explain, slowly start relaxing your body and breathing deeper. You are diffusing the emotion on their behalf and they will come to their senses.

PTSD is the mind going into EXTREME safety alert, and isn't based in the actual present moment. The person can barely think, just reacts. It's scary.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 11:34 AM on June 25, 2013 [4 favorites]


I'm going to second St. Peepsburg. Sounds a bit woo, but you are dealing with someone who is so hyper alert that they are noticing every little thing. The best way to ratchet things up is to display fear.

I've seen people do this in the VA lobby. The women's shelter too.
posted by Mr. Yuck at 1:18 PM on June 25, 2013 [1 favorite]


I've dealt with this before. You just have to make sure you are safe, and let it blow over, and "don't poke the bear". In other words, don't say ANYTHING that might cause the situation to escalate. This sort of thing is an extreme fight-or-flight reaction, it's like flipping a fuse or something.

And I agree with the above person that said it's important not to display fear. That, a thousand times. If you do have to speak, modulate your voice and keep it VERY calm.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 7:37 PM on June 25, 2013


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