Now that I'm a mother I'm not sure how to be kinky anymore.
June 25, 2013 10:40 AM Subscribe
How do I bring my sexy back now that I've had a kid? Complications abound.
I have a daughter, my first, who's a few months old. Like many women, I gather, I am having a hard time getting back into my sexual groove post-childbirth. My sexuality is sort of complicated, and I think I may be having a harder time than most because of it.
I've always been kinky. Even when I was really young, before I had the internet to alert me to all the possibilities, weird stuff turned me on. Nothing illegal, but a lot that's not exactly in line with my personal politics. I wouldn't say I've ever felt really comfortable about it, but it's a fact about me that for the most part I thought I'd made my peace with. I am not interested in getting therapy to feel more at ease with my kinks. Tried, failed, not interested in trying again. In addition, I have a pretty low sex drive, and my husband has a pretty high sex drive. So I have leant heavily on erotica and porn to get my libido to play ball when I wouldn't necessarily otherwise be interested. This has worked for us for almost a decade.
But now that I have this sweet, innocent little girl with whom I'm spending all my waking hours, the stuff that used to turn me on just kind of grosses me out. I feel like it's disrespectful to her to even look at it, let alone act it out. So I'm dealing with the triple whammy of breastfeeding-induced hormonal changes, the weirdness of all these new demands on my body, and the fact that I am extremely squicked by everything that used to yank my crank, and I'm not sure what I can do to stoke those fires.
Our marriage is less pleasant for both of us when we don't have sex. I am unhappy about the current state of affairs, and so is he. I want so badly to be horny, but I don't know how to get there from here. I keep telling myself that my top priority in this sphere is to keep my marriage happy, not to shelter myself from the nonexistent judgment of a four-month-old…but I can't get her out of my head and it just makes the whole porn experience uncomfortable and weird, and I don't know how to get myself revved up without that experience.
Anyone else been where I am? What did you do?
I have a daughter, my first, who's a few months old. Like many women, I gather, I am having a hard time getting back into my sexual groove post-childbirth. My sexuality is sort of complicated, and I think I may be having a harder time than most because of it.
I've always been kinky. Even when I was really young, before I had the internet to alert me to all the possibilities, weird stuff turned me on. Nothing illegal, but a lot that's not exactly in line with my personal politics. I wouldn't say I've ever felt really comfortable about it, but it's a fact about me that for the most part I thought I'd made my peace with. I am not interested in getting therapy to feel more at ease with my kinks. Tried, failed, not interested in trying again. In addition, I have a pretty low sex drive, and my husband has a pretty high sex drive. So I have leant heavily on erotica and porn to get my libido to play ball when I wouldn't necessarily otherwise be interested. This has worked for us for almost a decade.
But now that I have this sweet, innocent little girl with whom I'm spending all my waking hours, the stuff that used to turn me on just kind of grosses me out. I feel like it's disrespectful to her to even look at it, let alone act it out. So I'm dealing with the triple whammy of breastfeeding-induced hormonal changes, the weirdness of all these new demands on my body, and the fact that I am extremely squicked by everything that used to yank my crank, and I'm not sure what I can do to stoke those fires.
Our marriage is less pleasant for both of us when we don't have sex. I am unhappy about the current state of affairs, and so is he. I want so badly to be horny, but I don't know how to get there from here. I keep telling myself that my top priority in this sphere is to keep my marriage happy, not to shelter myself from the nonexistent judgment of a four-month-old…but I can't get her out of my head and it just makes the whole porn experience uncomfortable and weird, and I don't know how to get myself revved up without that experience.
Anyone else been where I am? What did you do?
Go see an open-minded sex therapist, possibly with your husband.
Or a regular therapist. Even just once or twice.
My son is two. I'm a former... Oh, never mind. Kink? I get it.
Look. This WILL pass. Hormones the first year are weird. This will pass.
It's also true that you will never ever feel the same way about everything. Becoming a parent galvanizes your perspective, and that's that.
You AND your husband need help transitioning into your new selves.
It's ok to get a session or two with folks who can help you, specifically and in person. Go do that.
posted by jbenben at 10:53 AM on June 25, 2013
Or a regular therapist. Even just once or twice.
My son is two. I'm a former... Oh, never mind. Kink? I get it.
Look. This WILL pass. Hormones the first year are weird. This will pass.
It's also true that you will never ever feel the same way about everything. Becoming a parent galvanizes your perspective, and that's that.
You AND your husband need help transitioning into your new selves.
It's ok to get a session or two with folks who can help you, specifically and in person. Go do that.
posted by jbenben at 10:53 AM on June 25, 2013
Yeah, time is the key here for every woman I've known who feels out of balance sexually post partum (uh, and that number runs close to 100% of the women I know). Your kink isn't necessarily the issue--it's body issues, emotional issues, identity issues, physical/hormonal issues, relational issues. Give it time and make sure your husband knows it's important to you, and make sure he's on board with being patient while you both acclimate to a new reality.
posted by cocoagirl at 10:53 AM on June 25, 2013 [7 favorites]
posted by cocoagirl at 10:53 AM on June 25, 2013 [7 favorites]
Given the bit of imbalance, there are many things you can do for your husband that require no heavy involvement from your side, but offer relief to his high sex drive. When you are feeling it, he should bring the same to you.
posted by Kruger5 at 10:57 AM on June 25, 2013
posted by Kruger5 at 10:57 AM on June 25, 2013
N'thing time. My baby is 13 months old, I'm not particularly kinky, and I'm only just about now starting to get interested again. In addition to the hormonal stuff, the fact that your boobs are now for FOOD instead of fun, etc., don't forget that you are TIRED. So f'ing tired. How can anything rev you up when you're that tired?
posted by kestrel251 at 11:05 AM on June 25, 2013 [8 favorites]
posted by kestrel251 at 11:05 AM on June 25, 2013 [8 favorites]
Sheesh a few months? I acknowledge that people are all over the map with sexual frequency, but when our daughter was a few months old, we were just so. frigging. tired. The idea that sex would be more appealing than sleep was literally comical. In addition, my wife was being pawed and gnawed on by an adorable limpet 24/7, and so I think she was getting more than enough physical contact, intimate or no, to last for a while, especially in the boobal area.
Additionally, she was awash in an exciting hormonal cocktail, I was trying to actually stay competent in my work and not fall asleep in the office, and we were both trying desperately to function on radically reduced sleep, radically changed routines, and a deeply and fundamentally different life to what had come before. Worse in some ways, better in others, really very different on most levels.
And it took some time to work it out. Tl;dr, I wouldn't be so quick to push all these feelings on your kink, whatever it is. What you're experiencing is, I wager, more common than not for post-partum women (note: am not, will never be a post-partum woman, not claiming to speak for them, just sharing my take).
posted by smoke at 11:07 AM on June 25, 2013 [2 favorites]
Additionally, she was awash in an exciting hormonal cocktail, I was trying to actually stay competent in my work and not fall asleep in the office, and we were both trying desperately to function on radically reduced sleep, radically changed routines, and a deeply and fundamentally different life to what had come before. Worse in some ways, better in others, really very different on most levels.
And it took some time to work it out. Tl;dr, I wouldn't be so quick to push all these feelings on your kink, whatever it is. What you're experiencing is, I wager, more common than not for post-partum women (note: am not, will never be a post-partum woman, not claiming to speak for them, just sharing my take).
posted by smoke at 11:07 AM on June 25, 2013 [2 favorites]
memail me, or email me from a throwaway if you'd rather prefer anonymity.
posted by KathrynT at 11:09 AM on June 25, 2013
posted by KathrynT at 11:09 AM on June 25, 2013
To chime in with a different perspective -
If you aren't interesting in waiting to feel 'normal' again - have you tried removing yourself from the Baby Situation for a brief night? This may not be an option for you - but have someone watch the bundle of joy for an evening. Go off to a hotel with the husband and completely remove the baby from your environment. No checking in the baby/talking about the baby/etc, just focusing on having a fun, sexy, kinky evening with the husband. It doesn't necessarily even have to be overnight (as money/babysitter allows).
But from my close friends' experiences - removing themselves from the Baby Situation where there were no "But now i'm a mommy and can't like [insert kink here]" triggers gave them a lot of psychological freedom to unleash their sexy selves.
Mind you - Time is the key here, as everyone has pointed out up thread. This is advice for doing something NOW as a stop gap.
posted by Suffocating Kitty at 11:43 AM on June 25, 2013 [1 favorite]
If you aren't interesting in waiting to feel 'normal' again - have you tried removing yourself from the Baby Situation for a brief night? This may not be an option for you - but have someone watch the bundle of joy for an evening. Go off to a hotel with the husband and completely remove the baby from your environment. No checking in the baby/talking about the baby/etc, just focusing on having a fun, sexy, kinky evening with the husband. It doesn't necessarily even have to be overnight (as money/babysitter allows).
But from my close friends' experiences - removing themselves from the Baby Situation where there were no "But now i'm a mommy and can't like [insert kink here]" triggers gave them a lot of psychological freedom to unleash their sexy selves.
Mind you - Time is the key here, as everyone has pointed out up thread. This is advice for doing something NOW as a stop gap.
posted by Suffocating Kitty at 11:43 AM on June 25, 2013 [1 favorite]
I am extremely squicked by everything that used to yank my crank, and I'm not sure what I can do to stoke those fires.
Having kids changes all kinds of things you used to enjoy -- not just sex. Prior to the birth of my son, I was very interested in "true crime" and police procedurals. (Reading is not the same as Sex at at all, I know, but bear with me.) Just a mere few weeks after my son was born I found that books that had previously been deeply interesting to me -- in some cases books I'd read a few times before -- now gave me panic attacks. Stories (in any media) that involved "Kids in Peril" were the worst, but this held true with a wide scope of stories that I had previously enjoyed.
It's ok to have your tastes and desires change in all things. Just because you enjoyed a certain food, entertainment, or sexual act one year, ten years, six months or three days ago doesn't mean you are required to enjoy it today.
So, yes, certainly sex with an infant in the house is often a low priority for a lot of different reasons, but I would strongly recommend that instead of focusing on trying to make the things that worked for you previously work again, you and your husband start exploring what turns you on NOW, as the person you are now, having had new experiences.
posted by anastasiav at 11:51 AM on June 25, 2013 [1 favorite]
Having kids changes all kinds of things you used to enjoy -- not just sex. Prior to the birth of my son, I was very interested in "true crime" and police procedurals. (Reading is not the same as Sex at at all, I know, but bear with me.) Just a mere few weeks after my son was born I found that books that had previously been deeply interesting to me -- in some cases books I'd read a few times before -- now gave me panic attacks. Stories (in any media) that involved "Kids in Peril" were the worst, but this held true with a wide scope of stories that I had previously enjoyed.
It's ok to have your tastes and desires change in all things. Just because you enjoyed a certain food, entertainment, or sexual act one year, ten years, six months or three days ago doesn't mean you are required to enjoy it today.
So, yes, certainly sex with an infant in the house is often a low priority for a lot of different reasons, but I would strongly recommend that instead of focusing on trying to make the things that worked for you previously work again, you and your husband start exploring what turns you on NOW, as the person you are now, having had new experiences.
posted by anastasiav at 11:51 AM on June 25, 2013 [1 favorite]
First: congratulations on your new baby. A great blessing, but as is sometimes said, is like throwing a bomb into your marriage.
For many, maybe even most people, becoming parents triggers intense and often hard to interpret psychological reactions. Lots of really deep stuff gets stirred up, about self and roles and family of origin influence and of course, sexuality. This is true of both men and women. How one thinks about oneself, how one regards one's partner.
The Madonna/whore complex ain't just about how men think about women. Many, MANY women struggle with being fully, freely sexual beings once they become mothers, in the postpartum period and long beyond.
I offer this to let you know that you are not alone. Not by a long shot. Many of us have a hard time reconciling these roles (and, good grief, suffer when our husbands can't.)
It's true that because your baby is so young, you're in a particularly intense time of life now. It's good that you're recognizing this cognitive dissonance around your kink, but it's totally OK for you (preferably you and your husband together, but you yourself can do this) to decide that this issue needs to wait for a while for resolution. It's totally OK to be in survival mode for the next six months, year, 18 months, whatever it takes to come to surface.
But when you decide it really needs to get addressed, whether that's today or two years from now, don't be afraid to find a kink-friendly family/marriage therapist and open the issue up with him or her. Hopefully you're someplace progressive enough to find someone good who fits that bill. Look for kink-aware professionals. Lots of therapists on that site, all over the US (not sure if that's where you're from.) Again, you're not alone, and you don't have to figure it out all by yourself.
posted by Lola Xaviera Boom-Boom McPuppet at 11:51 AM on June 25, 2013 [1 favorite]
For many, maybe even most people, becoming parents triggers intense and often hard to interpret psychological reactions. Lots of really deep stuff gets stirred up, about self and roles and family of origin influence and of course, sexuality. This is true of both men and women. How one thinks about oneself, how one regards one's partner.
The Madonna/whore complex ain't just about how men think about women. Many, MANY women struggle with being fully, freely sexual beings once they become mothers, in the postpartum period and long beyond.
I offer this to let you know that you are not alone. Not by a long shot. Many of us have a hard time reconciling these roles (and, good grief, suffer when our husbands can't.)
It's true that because your baby is so young, you're in a particularly intense time of life now. It's good that you're recognizing this cognitive dissonance around your kink, but it's totally OK for you (preferably you and your husband together, but you yourself can do this) to decide that this issue needs to wait for a while for resolution. It's totally OK to be in survival mode for the next six months, year, 18 months, whatever it takes to come to surface.
But when you decide it really needs to get addressed, whether that's today or two years from now, don't be afraid to find a kink-friendly family/marriage therapist and open the issue up with him or her. Hopefully you're someplace progressive enough to find someone good who fits that bill. Look for kink-aware professionals. Lots of therapists on that site, all over the US (not sure if that's where you're from.) Again, you're not alone, and you don't have to figure it out all by yourself.
posted by Lola Xaviera Boom-Boom McPuppet at 11:51 AM on June 25, 2013 [1 favorite]
Is your marriage less pleasant when you and your husband are not having sex because both of you want to be having sex but stuff is getting in the way? Or is it uncomfortable because your husband gets mad that sex isn't part of your routine at those times and then he becomes irritable and/or unloving?
If it's the former, give yourselves some time to acclimate. If it's the latter, sternly let your husband know that that kind of behavior is super shitty and not okay at all.
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 11:55 AM on June 25, 2013 [8 favorites]
If it's the former, give yourselves some time to acclimate. If it's the latter, sternly let your husband know that that kind of behavior is super shitty and not okay at all.
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 11:55 AM on June 25, 2013 [8 favorites]
This is a real process for some of us. I have always loved nipple play, but my breasts just didn't feel sexual at all while I was breastfeeding, and for some time after. I also felt really touched-out from having a baby on me all day. Whenever my partner and I hear about people having a new baby 11 months after their first one--a few years ago, a couple were in the news because they had two sets of twins 11 months apart--our first thought is, "They were having sex that soon after the baby was born? How is that possible?"
It's also been a process with regard to our kinky stuff. Some kinds of age-play related stuff we used to do started feeling squicky when there were actual kids in the house, and it took years--seriously, our kids are 12, 9, and almost 6 and it's been the last year--for us to feel confident enough about them staying asleep for a long enough time for us to get out our toys from the locked box in our closet. And we still find ourselves getting interrupted by kids having nightmares or needing a drink of water.
So: process. Sometimes a long process. And like These Birds of a Feather says, you have to be in it together. That's the most important thing. My partner and I dealt pretty well with deprivation when we were both feeling like we wanted more or different sex and the conditions of our lives just didn't allow for it; it was hard if one of us got impatient, or felt like the other one just didn't care that this part of our relationship was suffering.
Good luck.
posted by not that girl at 12:13 PM on June 25, 2013
It's also been a process with regard to our kinky stuff. Some kinds of age-play related stuff we used to do started feeling squicky when there were actual kids in the house, and it took years--seriously, our kids are 12, 9, and almost 6 and it's been the last year--for us to feel confident enough about them staying asleep for a long enough time for us to get out our toys from the locked box in our closet. And we still find ourselves getting interrupted by kids having nightmares or needing a drink of water.
So: process. Sometimes a long process. And like These Birds of a Feather says, you have to be in it together. That's the most important thing. My partner and I dealt pretty well with deprivation when we were both feeling like we wanted more or different sex and the conditions of our lives just didn't allow for it; it was hard if one of us got impatient, or felt like the other one just didn't care that this part of our relationship was suffering.
Good luck.
posted by not that girl at 12:13 PM on June 25, 2013
People typically become more conservative when they become parents. I was sexually abused as a kid and routinely said a lot of ugly things about "all men" until I had a baby boy the day after I turned 22. Suddenly, that was no longer acceptable. Having him also helped push me back into therapy.
Ultimately, having kids made me decide to have an affair. My needs were not being met in the marriage. I decided that my kids were not going to suffer for that. I decided I needed to get my needs met in order to be a good mother. I was worried that I would end up a child molester if I could not get my needs met with an adult. I would rather be an adultress and "whore" than a child molester. I was very clear that even if that worst case scenario did not happen, not getting my needs met made me crabby, short tempered and not a good mom. My kids deserved better but my spouse didn't necessarily deserve my loyalty at that point. If I had to choose between hurting the adult male who was failing to do right by me or hurting my innocent children, the answer was a no brainer for me. I was going to protect my kids, whatever the cost.
So, under incredibly difficult circumstances, I made some hard choices and I made my peace with my sexuality for the sake of my kids. They got here because of sex. I felt I had an obligation to be okay with my sexuality in order to properly embrace and affirm my children. They know they were conceived in love, not sin, and I adore them.
In therapy, I eventually concluded that my ugliest sexual fantasies, the things which disturbed me the most, did not mean what I thought they meant. My fantasies of being raped were about absolving me of responsibility and guilt. My fantasies of being property of some general of some invading army was really a fantasy about the overthrow of a hostile social setting and someone serving as my protector in the only way I was capable of imagining. With journaling about it and changing my life, those fantasies stopped. They returned briefly, many years later, under circumstsnces where I readily recognized how trapped and helpless I felt. The second time around, it didn't disturb me and didn't last. I recognized it as a kind of criticism of the world around me and circumstances beyond my control.
My sexual proclivities have changed enormously over the years. Some of that was fostered by physiological changes (getting healthier, being very medicated for a time, etc). Having a baby is a huge physiological change. You can use that piece of it as an opportunity to reshape your sexuality in a new direction, one more of your choosing, one more comfortable for you psychologically.
Therapy was helpful to me in dealing with my sexual issues. More helpful: Actual life experience. Being part of a secure marriage. Being a mom. Having a series of relationships with men who liked sex and were not overwhelmed with guilt. Surprisingly, going to GIS school was a huge big deal -- pursuing goals of my own, at long last, and no longer feeling like just some man's property.
In being a mom, you will make hard choices out of love for your child, choices that you would not bother to make for your own benefit. And you will struggle and you will cry and you will wrestle with personal demons that it never seemed were worth bothering to defeat until this little soul was placed in your care and suddenly sweeping it under the rug was no longer good enough. And after a time, you will find that you are a better person for it and you like yourself more and finding answers for her sake was a huge benefit to you.
And then she will grow up and be old enough to drink and swear and make love on the kitchen table and drinking and swearing and sex will be less objectionable to you again too.
FWIW: I slept with my ex until he physically moved out, I think nearly two years (22 months?) after we verbally agreed to divorce and ten months after we filed the papers. We fought less when we got laid regularly. I spent all of three days being all "I am not sleeping with him anymore cuz REASONS" and then decided that was stupid, we are still married and have been together a long time and ...this is just dumb. And then I felt okay about it.
I hope you can convince yourself to feel okay about servicing your husband, if necessary, and finding a way to get your needs met -- for your daughter's sake. She deserves to be raised by a happy couple who are getting along well in bed. That line of reasoning did wonders for me and I eventually found a way to be okay because of it. Just trying to pass on what saved me when I was literally suicidal for years over stuff like this.
Tldr and in case you missed it: I recommend journaling, examining what your fantasies mean, exploring your new body which is going through huge changes and is thus no longer the same body you are used to, and giving yourself permission to take care of your husband's needs without guilt while exploring this new person you are becoming and trying to figure out how to meet her needs. Plus, get some sleep (and drink more -- you are a nursing mom). Everything looks worse when you are chronically short of sleep (and dehydrated). Seriously.
Peace and best wishes.
posted by Michele in California at 1:09 PM on June 25, 2013 [3 favorites]
Ultimately, having kids made me decide to have an affair. My needs were not being met in the marriage. I decided that my kids were not going to suffer for that. I decided I needed to get my needs met in order to be a good mother. I was worried that I would end up a child molester if I could not get my needs met with an adult. I would rather be an adultress and "whore" than a child molester. I was very clear that even if that worst case scenario did not happen, not getting my needs met made me crabby, short tempered and not a good mom. My kids deserved better but my spouse didn't necessarily deserve my loyalty at that point. If I had to choose between hurting the adult male who was failing to do right by me or hurting my innocent children, the answer was a no brainer for me. I was going to protect my kids, whatever the cost.
So, under incredibly difficult circumstances, I made some hard choices and I made my peace with my sexuality for the sake of my kids. They got here because of sex. I felt I had an obligation to be okay with my sexuality in order to properly embrace and affirm my children. They know they were conceived in love, not sin, and I adore them.
In therapy, I eventually concluded that my ugliest sexual fantasies, the things which disturbed me the most, did not mean what I thought they meant. My fantasies of being raped were about absolving me of responsibility and guilt. My fantasies of being property of some general of some invading army was really a fantasy about the overthrow of a hostile social setting and someone serving as my protector in the only way I was capable of imagining. With journaling about it and changing my life, those fantasies stopped. They returned briefly, many years later, under circumstsnces where I readily recognized how trapped and helpless I felt. The second time around, it didn't disturb me and didn't last. I recognized it as a kind of criticism of the world around me and circumstances beyond my control.
My sexual proclivities have changed enormously over the years. Some of that was fostered by physiological changes (getting healthier, being very medicated for a time, etc). Having a baby is a huge physiological change. You can use that piece of it as an opportunity to reshape your sexuality in a new direction, one more of your choosing, one more comfortable for you psychologically.
Therapy was helpful to me in dealing with my sexual issues. More helpful: Actual life experience. Being part of a secure marriage. Being a mom. Having a series of relationships with men who liked sex and were not overwhelmed with guilt. Surprisingly, going to GIS school was a huge big deal -- pursuing goals of my own, at long last, and no longer feeling like just some man's property.
In being a mom, you will make hard choices out of love for your child, choices that you would not bother to make for your own benefit. And you will struggle and you will cry and you will wrestle with personal demons that it never seemed were worth bothering to defeat until this little soul was placed in your care and suddenly sweeping it under the rug was no longer good enough. And after a time, you will find that you are a better person for it and you like yourself more and finding answers for her sake was a huge benefit to you.
And then she will grow up and be old enough to drink and swear and make love on the kitchen table and drinking and swearing and sex will be less objectionable to you again too.
FWIW: I slept with my ex until he physically moved out, I think nearly two years (22 months?) after we verbally agreed to divorce and ten months after we filed the papers. We fought less when we got laid regularly. I spent all of three days being all "I am not sleeping with him anymore cuz REASONS" and then decided that was stupid, we are still married and have been together a long time and ...this is just dumb. And then I felt okay about it.
I hope you can convince yourself to feel okay about servicing your husband, if necessary, and finding a way to get your needs met -- for your daughter's sake. She deserves to be raised by a happy couple who are getting along well in bed. That line of reasoning did wonders for me and I eventually found a way to be okay because of it. Just trying to pass on what saved me when I was literally suicidal for years over stuff like this.
Tldr and in case you missed it: I recommend journaling, examining what your fantasies mean, exploring your new body which is going through huge changes and is thus no longer the same body you are used to, and giving yourself permission to take care of your husband's needs without guilt while exploring this new person you are becoming and trying to figure out how to meet her needs. Plus, get some sleep (and drink more -- you are a nursing mom). Everything looks worse when you are chronically short of sleep (and dehydrated). Seriously.
Peace and best wishes.
posted by Michele in California at 1:09 PM on June 25, 2013 [3 favorites]
and the fact that I am extremely squicked by everything that used to yank my crank, and I'm not sure what I can do to stoke those fires.
Maybe that was then and this is now and now you need to find something else that turns you on. Rather than going back, find other things that fit your life and sexuality where they are at now.
posted by heyjude at 2:10 PM on June 25, 2013
Maybe that was then and this is now and now you need to find something else that turns you on. Rather than going back, find other things that fit your life and sexuality where they are at now.
posted by heyjude at 2:10 PM on June 25, 2013
It took me until I was done breast feeding to feel sexy again, and not feel gross or weird for thinking about sex. It sucked, but it's the nature of hormone changes. You will go back to "normal", it might just take a little time.
posted by katypickle at 2:21 PM on June 25, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by katypickle at 2:21 PM on June 25, 2013 [1 favorite]
You know, I think it's normal to have kinks. I think you probably should withhold judgement until after this transition.
I don't think you need therapy. This is something that all couples go through after childbirth, so this is something you need to be able to work out between you.
Your husband, with his higher sex drive, needs to give you some time. You, at some later point, need to acknowledge that your husband has sexual needs.
But this is all normal stuff (including, although this does not make it right, the behaviour of your husband).
Think about kinks (and don't think about discarding them) after the hormones stop clouding your judgement.
posted by KokuRyu at 3:21 PM on June 25, 2013 [1 favorite]
I don't think you need therapy. This is something that all couples go through after childbirth, so this is something you need to be able to work out between you.
Your husband, with his higher sex drive, needs to give you some time. You, at some later point, need to acknowledge that your husband has sexual needs.
But this is all normal stuff (including, although this does not make it right, the behaviour of your husband).
Think about kinks (and don't think about discarding them) after the hormones stop clouding your judgement.
posted by KokuRyu at 3:21 PM on June 25, 2013 [1 favorite]
Normal. Normal normal normal.
I am 4.5 months postpartum and have talked a lot about this with other moms I know. Everyone seems to agree that a year is when the magic happens. The sex drive comes back, you feel fully like yourself again, you fit into your old clothes again. It is important to give yourself as much space and understanding as you can muster, and remind yourself daily that it takes time.
That said, I think sex can still be a part of your life and relationship during this time. You just have to approach it differently. As others have mentioned, breastfeeding basically ruins breast/nipple play, you're exhausted, you're touched-out from having the baby on you all day, you're dry as a bone for no good reason, and yes, your fantasies/kinks may be shifting. It's a lot to deal with.
What helps me is to let go of what felt good before the baby, and think about what feels good now. If you're tired and sore, wouldn't a massage feel good? What about a hot bath? These things can be a part of your sexual life with your husband. Expand your definition of sex. Maybe for you right now it's not about orgasm, but about that hour every day your partner gives you a chance to FEEL GOOD. Whatever that means for you in the moment. It will help you to ease back into your own sexuality, and also fortify you to give back to your husband in ways that work for both of you. Could you help him masturbate? Could you explore erotica and new fantasies together?
Most important I think is to just keep this front of mind as something you will work on together as part of re-orienting your relationship as a family. We kept the line open from day one post-baby, we tried a lot, we laughed a lot, we cried a lot. We make time for sex and intimacy the same way we make time for dinner. It's not easy and it doesn't always work, but it has helped and slowly gotten better.
(Also, you can have sex in front of the baby. They won't care.)
posted by annekate at 4:08 PM on June 25, 2013
I am 4.5 months postpartum and have talked a lot about this with other moms I know. Everyone seems to agree that a year is when the magic happens. The sex drive comes back, you feel fully like yourself again, you fit into your old clothes again. It is important to give yourself as much space and understanding as you can muster, and remind yourself daily that it takes time.
That said, I think sex can still be a part of your life and relationship during this time. You just have to approach it differently. As others have mentioned, breastfeeding basically ruins breast/nipple play, you're exhausted, you're touched-out from having the baby on you all day, you're dry as a bone for no good reason, and yes, your fantasies/kinks may be shifting. It's a lot to deal with.
What helps me is to let go of what felt good before the baby, and think about what feels good now. If you're tired and sore, wouldn't a massage feel good? What about a hot bath? These things can be a part of your sexual life with your husband. Expand your definition of sex. Maybe for you right now it's not about orgasm, but about that hour every day your partner gives you a chance to FEEL GOOD. Whatever that means for you in the moment. It will help you to ease back into your own sexuality, and also fortify you to give back to your husband in ways that work for both of you. Could you help him masturbate? Could you explore erotica and new fantasies together?
Most important I think is to just keep this front of mind as something you will work on together as part of re-orienting your relationship as a family. We kept the line open from day one post-baby, we tried a lot, we laughed a lot, we cried a lot. We make time for sex and intimacy the same way we make time for dinner. It's not easy and it doesn't always work, but it has helped and slowly gotten better.
(Also, you can have sex in front of the baby. They won't care.)
posted by annekate at 4:08 PM on June 25, 2013
My kids are older than yours, and I still have to get out of "mom mode" before I can do anything fun. Sex in bed after the kids are asleep so everybody gets their basic needs met is doable. But for real kinky fun, I have to send them off to Grandma's for a night, get dressed like a grown-up, and leave the house for a couple hours. Even though my kids are well past breastfeeding, it's hard for me to mentally escape the blah-blah-house-cleaning-diaper-changing-talk-about-the-kids mindset I'm in all day every day.
You definitely need to give yourself time, but needing a little physical and mental separation from the kiddo once you're ready is ok too. Maintaining your relationship with your spouse is vital, so keep working to figure out what works for you as time goes on.
posted by TallulahBankhead at 5:12 PM on June 25, 2013 [2 favorites]
You definitely need to give yourself time, but needing a little physical and mental separation from the kiddo once you're ready is ok too. Maintaining your relationship with your spouse is vital, so keep working to figure out what works for you as time goes on.
posted by TallulahBankhead at 5:12 PM on June 25, 2013 [2 favorites]
You don't need to beat yourself up for not feeling as kinky as you used to be. Kink is just a part of a balanced sexual diet (for those who enjoy it) and you don't have to find the same things attractive as you used to. It's OK to not like something any more. And it's OK to feel bad about that.
Also, if you aren't feeling sexual at all, then don't worry too much about the kink. It might return when your post baby hormones even back out.
And yes, you have to make time for intimacy and yes, probably some of the spontaneity gets lost in that. But that's just one of the realities.
posted by gjc at 5:16 PM on June 25, 2013
Also, if you aren't feeling sexual at all, then don't worry too much about the kink. It might return when your post baby hormones even back out.
And yes, you have to make time for intimacy and yes, probably some of the spontaneity gets lost in that. But that's just one of the realities.
posted by gjc at 5:16 PM on June 25, 2013
Are you breastfeeding? I know from experience that that affects your hormonal balance, and your libido.
If you are, I can almost guarantee that when the time comes to wean, your libido will be back in a few weeks afterward.
I think that just knowing that will help you now. Just knowing it's temporary, one can work through it knowing that it's not the new normal. ;-)
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 7:42 PM on June 25, 2013
If you are, I can almost guarantee that when the time comes to wean, your libido will be back in a few weeks afterward.
I think that just knowing that will help you now. Just knowing it's temporary, one can work through it knowing that it's not the new normal. ;-)
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 7:42 PM on June 25, 2013
It took me six months post-weaning to get my drive back and when it did? Much higher than before and things that had squicked me while pregnant, when she was little, stopped squicking me because that wasn't a reaction to the kink, but a reaction to the sex. I've always been kinky as well, but there are ways to engage in it that aren't so...loathsome? I guess is the word? I mean, that said, I skew far more to rough than to humiliation, sensation over roleplaying, and I think that is part of it. I can indulge my kink as much as I want without having to confront any ick about gender, about the female experience. That would be much harder to deal with I think. I was able to strike all ick from my reading without also ridding it of anything sexual/arousing. It didn't do much in the first few months, I just didn't want to fuck at all, but as the months went on stuff started to come back online. Your body isn't really designed to want to procreate at this point, so be kind to yourself!
But yeah, a few months out from having a baby is not nearly enough time to establish a baseline on what sex will be like from here on out. But it can establish a baseline for how you and your partner can deal with it, and that will affect your sex life from here on out.
posted by geek anachronism at 10:34 PM on June 25, 2013
But yeah, a few months out from having a baby is not nearly enough time to establish a baseline on what sex will be like from here on out. But it can establish a baseline for how you and your partner can deal with it, and that will affect your sex life from here on out.
posted by geek anachronism at 10:34 PM on June 25, 2013
Male and no kids, but: nearly every parent who's ever described having kids describes major reorganization of their sex life over the first few years. Frequently with a year long dry spell to start. It's very normal. Wait it out and try not to worry.
posted by ead at 11:56 AM on June 26, 2013
posted by ead at 11:56 AM on June 26, 2013
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by KokuRyu at 10:46 AM on June 25, 2013 [11 favorites]