Compensating for lack of "intellectual stimulation" in a relationship?
June 23, 2013 1:28 PM   Subscribe

Lack of intellectual stimulation in my relationship is bothering me. Projecting feelings onto therapist as a result. How can I remedy this?

When my boyfriend first asked me out, I was attracted to him for a petty reason initially (he was in computer science, and him writing programs turned me on!). 5 years later, we are going strong despite a ton of adversity: intercultural relationship tensions, an ex-girlfriend stalker, you name it, we've dealt with it all. He's a great boyfriend. Helps with household work, wants to go out and try new things, can listen to me ramble on incessantly (ha!), etc. I mean, I am floored.

But there's a catch. Other than our taste in movies (he wanted to go watch Hangover III instead of Star Trek, like come on man!), which is just about the only thing we'll debate about, there isn't much "intellectual stimulation" in the relationship. Don't get me wrong - he's smart. And he can tell you all the ins-and-outs of the websites he builds for work. But not even remotely interested in topics related to outside of that (politics, science, the economy, to name a few).

I grew up in an academic family, so I grew up reading the news and having discussions/debates about everything under the sun - everyday. Discussing current issues over lunch with my dad just felt normal. But my boyfriend doesn't believe in reading the news because it's too boring/irrelevant/depressing. I will tell him the news, but that's it. I also love reading, but my boyfriend has no interest in reading, unless it's about something that will help him at work.

These days we'll watch a tv show or two, make dinner, go and have sex, then go to sleep. I feel like it's a cycle rut that we've fallen it. It didn't bother me until I started seeing a therapist for a phobia, and I feel like I'm projecting (erotic transference?) the intellectual stimulation I lack in my relationship onto my therapist. I have to catch myself when I think "gee, my therapist would make a great partner!" only because I realize these feelings are there because it's been a while since I've had a heart-to-heart, intelligent discussion with my partner. I'm not sure how to deal with (what I think wasn't) such a big deal or "missing piece" in this relationship.
posted by raintree to Human Relations (14 answers total) 13 users marked this as a favorite
 
This may seem obvious, but do you have friends/family members with whom you can talk about news, literature, science, etc.? Your need for intellectual stimulation is perfectly valid; it may be something that, as long as it's being met somehow, it doesn't have to feel like something missing in your life (even if it's not a part of your relationship).
posted by scody at 1:40 PM on June 23, 2013 [5 favorites]


This might be a compatibility issue, frankly. Can you imagine spending your life with someone who isn't interested in discussing the things you're interested in discussing? If these things are important to you, this might become a problem later on--while your partner shouldn't be expected to fill every role, I think intellectual stimulation is one you can expect to hope for. Especially as companionship starts to outweigh other concerns over time.

If you feel you can deal with this, I'd agree with scody--seek out friends and family, and maybe make a concerted effort to suss out a book club or something in the area.
posted by aintthattheway at 1:47 PM on June 23, 2013 [6 favorites]


Can you volunteer somewhere political once a week to scratch that itch?
posted by oceanjesse at 1:58 PM on June 23, 2013 [1 favorite]


I agree with the folks who say it's perfectly ok to get lots of that outside the relationship, particularly with all the good things going on in the relationship. What if you find a guy who is great intellectual stimulation of the type you desire, but never helps with household work, and only sometimes is willing to listen to you ramble about things. There is no one person with every single perfect element.

However, I also suggest you try to create together at least one thing that interests you both and would also lead to stimulating conversation. Start a new hobby together? He sounds like a pretty great guy. I bet you can come up with something.
posted by Glinn at 2:30 PM on June 23, 2013 [6 favorites]


It's definitely okay to get some stuff like this outside of the relationship; my husband and I actually do have a lot of very stimulating intellectual discussions and I still decided to join a Meet-Up group where I get to read and critique others' writing (this is partially because my job is unbelievably monotonous and dull and it is really exciting for me to do some work with my brain). It's twice a month and it's really cool to have a dedicated time to talk to other people about writing. Meet-Up or similar might have something that would work really well for you. If not, create something! You're not the only one who feels this way.

Hell, if you live in DC and are willing to let me make all the suggestions (i.e. be super bossy) I'll start a book discussion group with you. It can be surprisingly hard to find one where people want to talk about things in the same way I do.
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 2:51 PM on June 23, 2013


What's going on with your friends? No one's partner can meet all their needs. What do you do outside of hang at home and go to therapy?
posted by Miko at 3:13 PM on June 23, 2013 [4 favorites]


Me? I'd take up programing. Seriously, grab one of his deep interests and mine the crap out of it. I'm an intellectual as well. I am better read than most of the people I know, I surround myself with people smarter than me, am a news junkie, and I spend a lot of my time pissed off at the injustices of the world. This said, sound like the guy your with is damn smart as well. Your brains are just focused on different tasks. So you choices are: 1. Get him to join you where he's not interested in going. 2. Go where he is.

If you don't find what he does of interest, or if he doesn't reciprocate and take up one of your interests, then you need to figure out if you can meet this need independently of him.

Also, you do realize that there are tons of people out there that don't think either Hangover III instead or Star Trek were worth watching and neither are particularly mentally stimulating.
posted by cjorgensen at 3:16 PM on June 23, 2013


Best answer: This answer was given to a different relationship ask, about creating space to have non-adversarial conversations about topics, but it might have some application here:

http://ask.metafilter.com/109525/How-do-I-get-my-SO-to-have-better-conversations#1577048
posted by girlpublisher at 3:43 PM on June 23, 2013 [3 favorites]


Have you talked to him about this?

Sorry to sound like my grandma, but that is always 'step one' with every relationship issue. I don't think this is a small thing or something that you should just "find elsewhere".

There is nothing wrong with wanting a challenging intellectually exciting partner. You deserve to be in the relationship you want to be in. If intellectual excitement is on your relationship "must have" list (it's on mine) that is perfectly OK.

I'm not saying you should DTMFA, but you need to elevate this issue. People do have the capacity to surprise you when they understand how important something is. So make him understand that this is something you need. Step one: Talk to him about it.
posted by French Fry at 5:21 PM on June 23, 2013 [2 favorites]


In my opinion, this is a pretty fundamental difference that might be irreconciliable. You have to respect, admire, and be attracted to someone in order to have a healthy long-term relationship. If you live life above the neck (as Jody Foster calls being intellectual), and he doesn't, that's a pretty salient difference. I can easily imagine how frustrating it is to you that he's not intellectually curious. Can you imagine raising children with him not nurturing their intellectual curiosity? It bothers you now, and it's still going to bother you later, and even more than now. You talk about inter-cultural issues - well that's not an ethic cultural difference but it sure is another type of cultural difference and it might be helpful for you to think of it that way. There are certainly intellectual people out there who help with housework, are good listeners, and enjoy going out and trying new things.
posted by Dansaman at 6:28 PM on June 23, 2013 [1 favorite]


Star Trek wasn't much good, so maybe he's smarter than you think. (Joke.)

I wonder when you present the news if you are really selling it. When I read the more transient news, I know I am a geographically distant bystander receiving a lot of inaccuracies and filter so it doesn't interest me either, but I like to discuss what the news stands for, or what could possibly be future news. Is there a better way to present it?

Also, please mix up the physical locations in which you converse. Talking at an unfamiliar restaurant or even just a park is exciting.

Can you find a way to combine his tech interests with your political interest? Perhaps get involved in Open Government or some sort of legal hacktivism?
posted by michaelh at 10:25 PM on June 23, 2013


Best answer: I'm not sure how to deal with (what I think wasn't) such a big deal or "missing piece" in this relationship.

Don't ask me how I know, but once you realise something you thought wasn't a big deal actually is, it's hard to un-know that. Your relationship with your therapist has shone a light on a corner of your relationship that you were kind of unfamiliar with. This is a good thing as now you get to decide if you're happy with the relationship as it really is.

Some of the suggestions here are really good, and I hope you're able to addres the issue with your partner and that he will be open to meeting this need of yours, which is a perfectly valid need, and important to you. And you should treat it as if it were any other need that was not being met. Basically, if given a chance can he meet it, if not can you live with it being unmet, or can you meet it elsewhere? It's tempting to think "he does X and Y so maybe I can let Z go" but if Z is really important to you don't sell yourself short.

A good book is Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay. A really helpful piece of advice in it is: instead of thinking "would I be happy if this behaviour changed?", think "would I be happy if this behaviour never changed?" But I hope you're able to find a compromise that works for you both.
posted by billiebee at 2:22 AM on June 24, 2013 [1 favorite]


Best answer: From personal experience, if you find yourself intellectually unsatisfied I can guarantee that it won't get better with time even if you buy him books, take your relationship to the next level of commitment (from friends to boyfriend), and try to get him excited about lifelong learning. I'd strongly recommend that you find someone who is more compatible with you intellectually and emotionally, physically, ethnically, and whatever else may matter to you.

I recently turned down a good-looking, well-pedigreed man with everything I wanted in a lifelong partner in terms of personality and looks except intelligence because I couldn't have a good conversation with him on anything unrelated to finance and, in particular, the hedge fund he was trying to become a partner at. I was attracted to him because of his Wharton degrees (BS Economics and MBA Finance) but over time, I realised that his fancy degrees weren't enough to keep me interested in him and able to have philosophical conversations with him about my areas of interest in public health, metaphysics, and epistemology. As nice as he looked on paper and as much as I wanted to convince myself that his pedigree could outweigh his intelligence, I knew that I couldn't change him to be the intellectual of my dreams. I then bought The Compatibility Matrix: The Qualities of YOUR Ideal Mate and discovered that intellectual compatibility is the MOST important factor for me when choosing a mate and not just how accomplished he is, how much I admire his resume, or what prestigious school he went to.

I really recommend you read The Compatibility Matrix and take some time to think out what you're really looking for. At that point, if you realise that you and your current bf are incompatible, I'd let him go and find someone better using The Rules to filter out guys who don't meet your intellectual standards.

Best,
Lotus
posted by lotusmish at 7:34 AM on June 24, 2013 [2 favorites]


I've been in your shoes, twice. In both relationships the issue of missing intellectual stimulation was something I was very aware and a bit of a concern. It wan't a dealbreaker for me, but when the breakups happened it was definitely an item in the 'move on' column.

If you end up trying to work on the issue and get him more involved in intellectual conversation keep in mind this may be something he's intimidated by. Though I never brought the issue up, the first ex at one point openly stated that she knew she was not meeting this need for me, and that feeling intimidated made it hard for her to even begin working on that.

The other suggestion I would make is to not get to ahead of yourselves at first when trying to have intellectual conversations, or at least don't get too ahead of him. Try to engage only on topics you know they are familiar with. My other ex could be very passionate on some issues, but very busy with her career and just didn't have as much the time to learn all the details about some of the topics we discussed. It can be difficult to repeatedly present factual evidence in support of your position (or correct their misinformation) without being an annoying know it all.

If you see this relationship potentially lasting the rest of your life, and are committed to it, keep in mind you have the rest of your life to work on it. Don't expect an overnight fix, but enjoy the other benefits of the relationship while keeping this issue framed as a challenge for you to work on over time, not a burden.
posted by anonop at 10:53 AM on June 24, 2013


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