Struggling with anger
June 21, 2013 11:12 AM Subscribe
How do I let go of anger, bitterness, and resentment?
I'm currently in my early 30s and have been through a string of bad relationships/heartbreaks in the past several years.
A little about me: I've always been somewhat shy and even unapproachable throughout my life due to some past trauma as a child- but something I've been working on in therapy for the last 4 years. I'm semi-closed off, but am super loyal to friends and significant others and once I warm up, am extremely loving and affectionate.
My last two semi-serious relationships both ended with my ex-boyfriends dumping me unexpectedly for no real reason, blaming me for everything, and never reaching back out again. The first breakup was so devastating that I never thought I would recover. My ex basically chose his narcissistic best friend over myself- in which, afterwards, the best friend smeared me to mutual friends, lying about me. That was close to 2 years ago, but even to this day, he makes several back-handed comments about me to mutual friends, but acts like were great friends to my face. I try not to have anything to do with him, because he's toxic, but sometimes it's inevitable because we run in the same circles.
Well, recently I found out that this toxic friend of my first ex got engaged to his girlfriend and it's just affected me to the nth degree. I feel so angry and resentful at his happiness when he helped ruin mine. Even my close girlfriends who know the hurt he caused me tell me I should be happy for him. But how can I? I don't want to be happy for him. And even though I no longer want to be with that ex boyfriend, I just feel this sense of hopelessness at my own happiness. I'm not sure if it's just depression after my latest breakup or what. I just feel like I want to give up, but at the same time really really want to find a meaningful lasting relationship.
I've always been an anxious person, a worry-wart so-to-speak, and I am still in therapy, but I just want to let go of all this negativity, anger and find myself in a place of hope and positivity. I'm also pretty cynical and find myself getting bitchy with friends at times. I don't want to be like this anymore though. I want to tear down these walls of anger inside me.
I know I'm a good person who cares deeply for people and I want to stop being so negative, angry, bitter with people around me. I feel like my negativity and closed-offness aide in pushing people away, when I really do care for them. Maybe I just have a hard time visually expressing my feelings?
Any recommendations for books? Have you found that yoga and meditation help?
I'm currently in my early 30s and have been through a string of bad relationships/heartbreaks in the past several years.
A little about me: I've always been somewhat shy and even unapproachable throughout my life due to some past trauma as a child- but something I've been working on in therapy for the last 4 years. I'm semi-closed off, but am super loyal to friends and significant others and once I warm up, am extremely loving and affectionate.
My last two semi-serious relationships both ended with my ex-boyfriends dumping me unexpectedly for no real reason, blaming me for everything, and never reaching back out again. The first breakup was so devastating that I never thought I would recover. My ex basically chose his narcissistic best friend over myself- in which, afterwards, the best friend smeared me to mutual friends, lying about me. That was close to 2 years ago, but even to this day, he makes several back-handed comments about me to mutual friends, but acts like were great friends to my face. I try not to have anything to do with him, because he's toxic, but sometimes it's inevitable because we run in the same circles.
Well, recently I found out that this toxic friend of my first ex got engaged to his girlfriend and it's just affected me to the nth degree. I feel so angry and resentful at his happiness when he helped ruin mine. Even my close girlfriends who know the hurt he caused me tell me I should be happy for him. But how can I? I don't want to be happy for him. And even though I no longer want to be with that ex boyfriend, I just feel this sense of hopelessness at my own happiness. I'm not sure if it's just depression after my latest breakup or what. I just feel like I want to give up, but at the same time really really want to find a meaningful lasting relationship.
I've always been an anxious person, a worry-wart so-to-speak, and I am still in therapy, but I just want to let go of all this negativity, anger and find myself in a place of hope and positivity. I'm also pretty cynical and find myself getting bitchy with friends at times. I don't want to be like this anymore though. I want to tear down these walls of anger inside me.
I know I'm a good person who cares deeply for people and I want to stop being so negative, angry, bitter with people around me. I feel like my negativity and closed-offness aide in pushing people away, when I really do care for them. Maybe I just have a hard time visually expressing my feelings?
Any recommendations for books? Have you found that yoga and meditation help?
Is there any way you can limit your interaction with this group of people? It sounds like the trauma of what happened is being revisited upon you with your interactions with these other people.
I don't have any suggestions about books/meditation, but one thing that I do do is allow myself to think the meanest thoughts possible and then run them past my therapist in case I am turning into a maniac. I find it very cathartic. Like, this toxic friend. I have no idea why your friends would want you to be happy for somebody who slandered you, but, damn, he's a shit, why would you be happy for him? I think you can feel sorry for his wife-to-be, which is not as cathartic perhaps as wishing for him to die in a fire, perhaps.
posted by angrycat at 11:35 AM on June 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
I don't have any suggestions about books/meditation, but one thing that I do do is allow myself to think the meanest thoughts possible and then run them past my therapist in case I am turning into a maniac. I find it very cathartic. Like, this toxic friend. I have no idea why your friends would want you to be happy for somebody who slandered you, but, damn, he's a shit, why would you be happy for him? I think you can feel sorry for his wife-to-be, which is not as cathartic perhaps as wishing for him to die in a fire, perhaps.
posted by angrycat at 11:35 AM on June 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
1) It's pretty normal to feel resentful when an ex gets engaged, depending on how things ended up. You articulated it very well ("I feel...resentful at his happiness when he helped ruin mine"), and I can't really blame you for it.
2) Don't listen to your friends who tell you how you should feel. To quote The Newsroom: "Fuck you. You don't know what it's like inside my head."
I know these first two points would seem to feed the negativity you're trying to escape, but I just want to acknowledge that it's okay to feel these things. Obviously the goal is for you to move forward, which is healthy. But you feel how you feel, and it's been my experience that accepting that, and shutting out the voices that "should" you, lessens the frustration of where you're at now.
3) While, of course, I don't know the particulars of your relationship with ex or how it ended, try to remember that for a relationship to move forward, there has to be a fit on both sides. Wants and needs have to align for both parties to be truly happy. Consider that, while it surely is painful, if your wants and needs didn't align as a couple, it is probably best in the long run that it ended.
4) Moving forward, and this is a bit of a trope, but instead of thinking about how you need to change or adjust to attract a partner, spend some energy thinking about what you can do to be more content with yourself. How do you want to spend your time? Reading? Cooking? Being active? Being outdoors? Are you doing those things now? The more energy you invest in yourself, the less you will worry about what others are doing. And the more you can roll with the ups and downs of dating. Sure, life can be undoubtedly better with a partner. And of course, when relationships don't work out, it hurts. But if you have a more fully-defined self, you are less defined by your relationships with others, and less impacted when a relationship doesn't work out.
Best of luck.
posted by dry white toast at 11:38 AM on June 21, 2013 [2 favorites]
2) Don't listen to your friends who tell you how you should feel. To quote The Newsroom: "Fuck you. You don't know what it's like inside my head."
I know these first two points would seem to feed the negativity you're trying to escape, but I just want to acknowledge that it's okay to feel these things. Obviously the goal is for you to move forward, which is healthy. But you feel how you feel, and it's been my experience that accepting that, and shutting out the voices that "should" you, lessens the frustration of where you're at now.
3) While, of course, I don't know the particulars of your relationship with ex or how it ended, try to remember that for a relationship to move forward, there has to be a fit on both sides. Wants and needs have to align for both parties to be truly happy. Consider that, while it surely is painful, if your wants and needs didn't align as a couple, it is probably best in the long run that it ended.
4) Moving forward, and this is a bit of a trope, but instead of thinking about how you need to change or adjust to attract a partner, spend some energy thinking about what you can do to be more content with yourself. How do you want to spend your time? Reading? Cooking? Being active? Being outdoors? Are you doing those things now? The more energy you invest in yourself, the less you will worry about what others are doing. And the more you can roll with the ups and downs of dating. Sure, life can be undoubtedly better with a partner. And of course, when relationships don't work out, it hurts. But if you have a more fully-defined self, you are less defined by your relationships with others, and less impacted when a relationship doesn't work out.
Best of luck.
posted by dry white toast at 11:38 AM on June 21, 2013 [2 favorites]
Oh I know this one. My semi-asperger's loveless ex-bf got engaged when I was single and staring my mid-30s in the face. Why him, of all people? I got rid of my bitterness by viscerally imagining how happy he was to have found someone. I saw how happy he looked, how relieved, and I imagined how happy she was to have found "the man of her dreams" and not be single any more. I imagined their physical feeling of happiness in their hearts. I know how good that feels to find someone, how relieving. And I sincerely felt happy that they felt good and were getting what they wanted. Their happiness has nothing to do with me. Everyone wants to find someone. (And 6 months later having developed my own happy heart well guess who walked into MY life!)
It is a Buddhist teaching to rejoice in other's happiness, even your enemies. If it hurts at first, remember that it burns off your own negative karma of experiencing the same thing. You will not experience their happiness so long as you are bitter.
PS. The solution to accepting that nasty people hate you is... just let them hate you. I'm sure there's people you dislike. So statistically speaking, someone will come across you and hate you, and be nasty about it. So let 'em hate you. It doesn't really matter much to you in the end, does it?
posted by St. Peepsburg at 11:40 AM on June 21, 2013 [20 favorites]
It is a Buddhist teaching to rejoice in other's happiness, even your enemies. If it hurts at first, remember that it burns off your own negative karma of experiencing the same thing. You will not experience their happiness so long as you are bitter.
PS. The solution to accepting that nasty people hate you is... just let them hate you. I'm sure there's people you dislike. So statistically speaking, someone will come across you and hate you, and be nasty about it. So let 'em hate you. It doesn't really matter much to you in the end, does it?
posted by St. Peepsburg at 11:40 AM on June 21, 2013 [20 favorites]
Subduing anger is a very, very hard struggle.
While it is possible to be angry for the right reasons, it is very hard to do. Two types of anger I have been taught are not for the right reasons are anger that arises out of pride or self-pity. Resenting an ex-boyfriend because he is happily engaged definitely falls into the pride/pity camp. He appears that he did mistreat you, but that does not alter the pride/pity analysis in this case. You seem to understand this in your question, so that is a very important first step.
So, when I get angry, the first thing I do is think of why. Is it because of pride or pity? If so, than I am not allowed to be angry. Of course, this is easier said than done. In fact, it is often very hard. I find meditative prayer to be a great source, so if the "prayer" part is a problem, perhaps just engage in the mediation.
You may wish to also review this treatment of John Cassian and Thomas Aquinas on anger. St. John Cassian wrote much on the topic of anger. While again, the religious angle may not suit you, I think there is much of universal insight and application that might be helpful.
And, I would join in angrycat's comment. If you simply cannot be around these people without succumbing to anger and resentment, despite your best efforts to fight it (this is key), then you may wish to reduce or eliminate your contact with them until you have dealt with that particular source of anger.
posted by Tanizaki at 11:42 AM on June 21, 2013 [2 favorites]
While it is possible to be angry for the right reasons, it is very hard to do. Two types of anger I have been taught are not for the right reasons are anger that arises out of pride or self-pity. Resenting an ex-boyfriend because he is happily engaged definitely falls into the pride/pity camp. He appears that he did mistreat you, but that does not alter the pride/pity analysis in this case. You seem to understand this in your question, so that is a very important first step.
So, when I get angry, the first thing I do is think of why. Is it because of pride or pity? If so, than I am not allowed to be angry. Of course, this is easier said than done. In fact, it is often very hard. I find meditative prayer to be a great source, so if the "prayer" part is a problem, perhaps just engage in the mediation.
You may wish to also review this treatment of John Cassian and Thomas Aquinas on anger. St. John Cassian wrote much on the topic of anger. While again, the religious angle may not suit you, I think there is much of universal insight and application that might be helpful.
And, I would join in angrycat's comment. If you simply cannot be around these people without succumbing to anger and resentment, despite your best efforts to fight it (this is key), then you may wish to reduce or eliminate your contact with them until you have dealt with that particular source of anger.
posted by Tanizaki at 11:42 AM on June 21, 2013 [2 favorites]
Guys, the ex is not the one engaged. It's the one who told lies about the OP.
Anyhoo, I wanted to dial back my revenge fantasy schtick a bit and qualify it with saying that this is only my go-to for getting rid of anger that won't yield to more philosophical entreaties
posted by angrycat at 11:56 AM on June 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
Anyhoo, I wanted to dial back my revenge fantasy schtick a bit and qualify it with saying that this is only my go-to for getting rid of anger that won't yield to more philosophical entreaties
posted by angrycat at 11:56 AM on June 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
If he is as truly as awful as you say, than take comfort in the fact that he has to live with himself and think about how miserable that must be.
posted by MaryDellamorte at 11:57 AM on June 21, 2013
posted by MaryDellamorte at 11:57 AM on June 21, 2013
I'm not clear what happened here, but is this it: your ex broke up with you because his Toxic!BFF gave him an ultimatum, "it's Lilypad or me"? Or the Toxic!BFF lied to him about you?
Basically, how did the ex get to the point of choosing the Toxic!BFF over you?
You say he lied after you and ex broke up, but you don't have evidence that he lied in order to make that happen?
And now, Toxic!BFF is engaged to his girlfriend... your resentment is about the fact that Toxic!BFF is allowed to have a girlfriend, but your ex isn't, because all loyalties must be to Toxic!BFF? And if your ex had been allowed to have a girlfriend, he'd still be with you?
Sorry if I'm being obtuse here, I'm just trying to put my finger on what your resentment is about.
posted by tel3path at 12:02 PM on June 21, 2013
Basically, how did the ex get to the point of choosing the Toxic!BFF over you?
You say he lied after you and ex broke up, but you don't have evidence that he lied in order to make that happen?
And now, Toxic!BFF is engaged to his girlfriend... your resentment is about the fact that Toxic!BFF is allowed to have a girlfriend, but your ex isn't, because all loyalties must be to Toxic!BFF? And if your ex had been allowed to have a girlfriend, he'd still be with you?
Sorry if I'm being obtuse here, I'm just trying to put my finger on what your resentment is about.
posted by tel3path at 12:02 PM on June 21, 2013
Try to limit exposure to these people and for god's sake don't follow them on social media. You want to avoid comparing their outsides to your insides. You don't really know that they are deliriously happy, but it always looks that way when you pay attention to how they present themselves. Especially when people are getting engaged/married. When do people doing this never NOT appear to be ecstatic? But you don't know what life they are having to live and surely they still have challenges.
But also, don't kick yourself for feeling any way you want about this news. It's always strange when people you parted with on not such good terms get married.
posted by BibiRose at 12:04 PM on June 21, 2013 [2 favorites]
But also, don't kick yourself for feeling any way you want about this news. It's always strange when people you parted with on not such good terms get married.
posted by BibiRose at 12:04 PM on June 21, 2013 [2 favorites]
A) Do not assume he is "happy." People who act like assholes habitually tend to not really be all that happy. Getting hitched is not evidence of happiness. It just isn't. For all you know, it is a shotgun wedding because she is knocked up...or some other ugliness. Just do not go there.
B) Your so-called friends are assholes. I would ditch them. In fact, given the limited info here, I would be looking for a job at least 500 miles away. You are bitter because assholes keep rubbing you wrong and disrespecting that it's a sore point. I am not inclined to be grudging or bitter, but what you describe would be giving me fits. Find some way to protect yourself from this toxic, poisonous garbage.
C) In my twenties, I spent a couple of years watching tear jerk movies and crying my eyes out, even wailing like a banshee. After that, I stopped being sad all the time. Give yourself permission to grieve.
D) I was abused as a kid and carried bunches of legitimate anger in my twenties. The most effective thing I have found to avoid stewing is to make a plan of action and do something constructive about whatever is pissing me off. In this case, please see point B above for one suggestion on what you can do.
(((hugs, if you want them)))
posted by Michele in California at 12:05 PM on June 21, 2013 [2 favorites]
B) Your so-called friends are assholes. I would ditch them. In fact, given the limited info here, I would be looking for a job at least 500 miles away. You are bitter because assholes keep rubbing you wrong and disrespecting that it's a sore point. I am not inclined to be grudging or bitter, but what you describe would be giving me fits. Find some way to protect yourself from this toxic, poisonous garbage.
C) In my twenties, I spent a couple of years watching tear jerk movies and crying my eyes out, even wailing like a banshee. After that, I stopped being sad all the time. Give yourself permission to grieve.
D) I was abused as a kid and carried bunches of legitimate anger in my twenties. The most effective thing I have found to avoid stewing is to make a plan of action and do something constructive about whatever is pissing me off. In this case, please see point B above for one suggestion on what you can do.
(((hugs, if you want them)))
posted by Michele in California at 12:05 PM on June 21, 2013 [2 favorites]
Also, why are your friends telling you you should be "happy" for someone who's not even in your social circle? Why do they want you to feel any way about it? Why can't they just say "yeah, what an asshole amirite? Who wants ice cream?"
Why is your overall social group keeping such a toxic person around - wouldn't he have upset at least some of them too by now? I'm just wondering why this issue keeps coming up. Do your friends bring it up or do you?
posted by tel3path at 12:12 PM on June 21, 2013
Why is your overall social group keeping such a toxic person around - wouldn't he have upset at least some of them too by now? I'm just wondering why this issue keeps coming up. Do your friends bring it up or do you?
posted by tel3path at 12:12 PM on June 21, 2013
You actually *don't* have to be happy for him. You can be neutral, and that's probably best for you.
Some of the best advice I ever heard, during my divorce cleanup, was from my father, the most unlikely source: the opposite of love is not hate (or here, anger), it is indifference.
It's OK to still nurse your wounds. You don't have to party in the street for this jerk. There are exes I'm friends with and would be happy for if they were engaged -- there are others who I don't think about or care about and would probably politely ignore in a social context -- because I don't *care* how they are, I really don't and I no longer feel compelled to pretend that I do.
So anyway, it is OK to not "be happy" for him -- who cares about him? For your internal peace, though, you're underlying anxiety and worry is what you should fix. (Because it's bad for your digestion or something, not so you can be happy for assholes.) I recommend reading When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron. This book was immensely helpful for me in getting over both my shitty relationships and I just think of it or flip through it whenever my anxiety gets me particularly boxed up and freaking out.
Good luck.
posted by mibo at 12:16 PM on June 21, 2013 [2 favorites]
Some of the best advice I ever heard, during my divorce cleanup, was from my father, the most unlikely source: the opposite of love is not hate (or here, anger), it is indifference.
It's OK to still nurse your wounds. You don't have to party in the street for this jerk. There are exes I'm friends with and would be happy for if they were engaged -- there are others who I don't think about or care about and would probably politely ignore in a social context -- because I don't *care* how they are, I really don't and I no longer feel compelled to pretend that I do.
So anyway, it is OK to not "be happy" for him -- who cares about him? For your internal peace, though, you're underlying anxiety and worry is what you should fix. (Because it's bad for your digestion or something, not so you can be happy for assholes.) I recommend reading When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron. This book was immensely helpful for me in getting over both my shitty relationships and I just think of it or flip through it whenever my anxiety gets me particularly boxed up and freaking out.
Good luck.
posted by mibo at 12:16 PM on June 21, 2013 [2 favorites]
You know, I think you're projecting a lot of stuff that isn't really there.
You say that your Ex's BFF ruined your happiness. Not really. Your weak-willed Ex did that. He may have been swayed by his friend, or he may have decided to move on. You didn't really get a satisfactory answer/closure on the whole thing, so your brain filled in the gaps with some extra info. Either way, you don't have to be happy for the friend. I mean, he's a jerk to you so why be happy?
It would be nicer to yourself if you could acknowledge that some people are just petty and mean and small, and that if they knew better, they would do better. If you could view the BFF in this light, as some poor yutz who just isn't a nice guy, even his happiness seems sad and pathetic in that light. Why be resentful of that?
As for your friends still flitting around in that circle. Eh, as much as I'd like my friends to take sides, I've learned a long time ago that they don't. So if BFF doesn't dig me, chances are, if my friends like BFF, they'll go to the wedding anyway. At some point there's a cognitive dissonance. Either BFF shows himself to be an asshole, and my friends stop hanging with him, or it turns out I'M the asshole and they stop hanging around with me.
My advice is to reframe your narrative of your breakups. Your boyfriends didn't break up with you suddenly for no reason. They had a reason, they just chose not to share it with you. They didn't take you hope of happiness away, their leaving just brought you one step closer to true happiness because now you're free to find that one person who is just right for you.
Why be angry over something that just didn't work out? You may also want to examine why you felt that your breakups were sudden and didn't give you proper closure.
Either you're attracted to a type of person who does this, or you're the type of person who reads more into situations than is there. You expect more from a boyfriend than he is willing to give, thus he leaves. Or, are you willing to believe everything you are told, without examining the actions of the person telling you? In other words, are you susceptible to sweet-talk.
Just something to think about. Also, I sense that you have a very externally driven locus of control. You believe that other people have more control over your life than you do.
Do some exercises where you re-think events in your life and see how YOU may have controled the outcomes of some situations.
Hang in there, not everyone gets over things quickly or on the timetable others expect.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 1:18 PM on June 21, 2013 [7 favorites]
You say that your Ex's BFF ruined your happiness. Not really. Your weak-willed Ex did that. He may have been swayed by his friend, or he may have decided to move on. You didn't really get a satisfactory answer/closure on the whole thing, so your brain filled in the gaps with some extra info. Either way, you don't have to be happy for the friend. I mean, he's a jerk to you so why be happy?
It would be nicer to yourself if you could acknowledge that some people are just petty and mean and small, and that if they knew better, they would do better. If you could view the BFF in this light, as some poor yutz who just isn't a nice guy, even his happiness seems sad and pathetic in that light. Why be resentful of that?
As for your friends still flitting around in that circle. Eh, as much as I'd like my friends to take sides, I've learned a long time ago that they don't. So if BFF doesn't dig me, chances are, if my friends like BFF, they'll go to the wedding anyway. At some point there's a cognitive dissonance. Either BFF shows himself to be an asshole, and my friends stop hanging with him, or it turns out I'M the asshole and they stop hanging around with me.
My advice is to reframe your narrative of your breakups. Your boyfriends didn't break up with you suddenly for no reason. They had a reason, they just chose not to share it with you. They didn't take you hope of happiness away, their leaving just brought you one step closer to true happiness because now you're free to find that one person who is just right for you.
Why be angry over something that just didn't work out? You may also want to examine why you felt that your breakups were sudden and didn't give you proper closure.
Either you're attracted to a type of person who does this, or you're the type of person who reads more into situations than is there. You expect more from a boyfriend than he is willing to give, thus he leaves. Or, are you willing to believe everything you are told, without examining the actions of the person telling you? In other words, are you susceptible to sweet-talk.
Just something to think about. Also, I sense that you have a very externally driven locus of control. You believe that other people have more control over your life than you do.
Do some exercises where you re-think events in your life and see how YOU may have controled the outcomes of some situations.
Hang in there, not everyone gets over things quickly or on the timetable others expect.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 1:18 PM on June 21, 2013 [7 favorites]
I agree that you should minimize contact with this person, and tell your mutual friends that you don't want to hear anything about him. If they know how you feel about him - that he sabotaged your relationship, spread lies about you, talks about you behind your back - why are they telling you to be happy about his engagement? Shut it down as soon as he comes up in conversation or learn to ignore the topic. The less he comes up, the less chances for you to ruminate on the past.
Also, your ex chose to let this guy come between you and ruin your relationship. Yes, the guy sounds like an asshole, but the hurt caused by your ex may be feeding your anger, even if you no longer have feelings for him. When someone you love and trust believes someone else over you, it's incredibly frustrating and disappointing and makes you feel powerless. Anxiety and worry can be a way of feeling like you're regaining power and control, but what you really need is to accept what happened - that people, with their own reasons and mental issues and personal histories, hurt you. That doesn't mean they get to keep doing it. For resources, The Dance of Anger is a regularly recommended book with good reviews.
posted by ghost dance beat at 1:41 PM on June 21, 2013 [2 favorites]
Also, your ex chose to let this guy come between you and ruin your relationship. Yes, the guy sounds like an asshole, but the hurt caused by your ex may be feeding your anger, even if you no longer have feelings for him. When someone you love and trust believes someone else over you, it's incredibly frustrating and disappointing and makes you feel powerless. Anxiety and worry can be a way of feeling like you're regaining power and control, but what you really need is to accept what happened - that people, with their own reasons and mental issues and personal histories, hurt you. That doesn't mean they get to keep doing it. For resources, The Dance of Anger is a regularly recommended book with good reviews.
posted by ghost dance beat at 1:41 PM on June 21, 2013 [2 favorites]
I have a lot of anger and bitterness from previous friendships and romantic relationships. Once in a while, I'll feel it bubbling - why do the people who made me miserable get to be happy? Then, I'll try to remind myself of a few things: 1) I don't actually know that they're really happy (if I was such a shitty person, I don't think I would be happy), 2) I don't have to deal with them anymore (THANK GOD), and 3) for better or for worse, my path is different than theirs. That last one is huge and it helps me get through a lot of jealousy.
posted by kat518 at 2:19 PM on June 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by kat518 at 2:19 PM on June 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
Question: just how happy to you think this guy is going to be? He seems like a drama queen, and that's probably what his relationship is going to be like: drama. Let it go, people like that find a way to shoot themselves in the foot. You don't have to waste your time wishing it to happen.
posted by Neekee at 4:01 PM on June 21, 2013
posted by Neekee at 4:01 PM on June 21, 2013
I read this more than once trying to ease my struggles. The approach is sort of 'how to deal with anger in your current relationships'. But, as with a lot of Buddhist oriented writing, it has broad applicability.
Not a month ago, I found myself using techniques from it just moments before hitting the stage - something had come up for me and I was utterly consumed. Can't bring the music like that.
I gratefully remembered a certain approach, and was fit to perform soon after.
posted by j_curiouser at 4:02 PM on June 21, 2013
Not a month ago, I found myself using techniques from it just moments before hitting the stage - something had come up for me and I was utterly consumed. Can't bring the music like that.
I gratefully remembered a certain approach, and was fit to perform soon after.
posted by j_curiouser at 4:02 PM on June 21, 2013
I have a friend who is like "I love anger! Your angry and bitter feelings are welcome at MY house!" She is also great at getting angry on my behalf, like "he did what? what a jerk!"
All that embracing of the angry side of life goes a long way into dissolving the anger. It becomes almost like celebrating it and soon got me back into a good mood.
Similarly, in that book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen... it recommends helping your angry child by giving them a way to get it out. The two options I remember are imagining, and drawing. Imagining is about letting them vicariously have their desires be fulfilled. (Kid: "l almost punched his stupid face." Parent: "You're angry at him! You're so mad you wanted to punch him right in the nose!") Drawing was a physical thing: "Draw me a picture showing how mad you are!" *Kid scribbles all over the page then tears the paper into shreds.* "Draw another one!" ... until the energy dissipates.
posted by salvia at 6:44 PM on June 21, 2013 [2 favorites]
All that embracing of the angry side of life goes a long way into dissolving the anger. It becomes almost like celebrating it and soon got me back into a good mood.
Similarly, in that book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen... it recommends helping your angry child by giving them a way to get it out. The two options I remember are imagining, and drawing. Imagining is about letting them vicariously have their desires be fulfilled. (Kid: "l almost punched his stupid face." Parent: "You're angry at him! You're so mad you wanted to punch him right in the nose!") Drawing was a physical thing: "Draw me a picture showing how mad you are!" *Kid scribbles all over the page then tears the paper into shreds.* "Draw another one!" ... until the energy dissipates.
posted by salvia at 6:44 PM on June 21, 2013 [2 favorites]
We don't live long. Ask yourself if experiencing this anger is how you want to spend your remaining days.
posted by ead at 9:38 PM on June 21, 2013
posted by ead at 9:38 PM on June 21, 2013
This is a helpful thing I have read and passed along to others many times.
posted by Anitanola at 11:59 PM on June 21, 2013
posted by Anitanola at 11:59 PM on June 21, 2013
Can you try to picture the anger as sort of a little alien ball that is not part of you but rather has entered your head and you expel it, thus expunging the anger? I don't know if there is a name for this method, but I know of people for whom this has worked, including for pain management and for quitting smoking. You can direct your anger at this little alien ball, cursing it, telling it how dare it think it can invade your brain and mess up your otherwise great life. The temerity of that little alien ball - be gone!
posted by Dansaman at 12:26 AM on June 22, 2013
posted by Dansaman at 12:26 AM on June 22, 2013
You have shortcomings -- much to your credit, you acknowledge them, have identified their origins, and are working to overcome them. Make peace with letting others have their flaws too, and assume the best: theirs have origins, possibly tragic, and their not actively addressing them just means they aren't quite as far along on their journey as you are yet, or their wounds need more time to heal. Decide that you are being angry with hurt and frightened children, recognise the unhappiness in their lives, then let go and move forward.
posted by kmennie at 5:58 AM on June 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by kmennie at 5:58 AM on June 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
Any recommendations for books? Have you found that yoga and meditation help?
Getting OUT of therapy might help also. Most people I know who have been in long term therapy have turned it into a sort of crutch that basically prevents their getting past things. They are habituated to discussing the same stuff over and over.
posted by rr at 7:43 AM on June 22, 2013
Getting OUT of therapy might help also. Most people I know who have been in long term therapy have turned it into a sort of crutch that basically prevents their getting past things. They are habituated to discussing the same stuff over and over.
posted by rr at 7:43 AM on June 22, 2013
Having dealt with someone like the BFF, in a different capacity, though one that caused a good measure of ugliness emotionally and otherwise, those folks are so incredibly "good" at what they do.
Dealing with them and their effects is difficult, in part for operational reasons and because its hard to articulate how comprehensively the narcissism is at the heart of their existence. I've found it valuable to read about narcissists and gain some understanding. There's some good stuff online if you search for narcissism and NPD.
(I can relate to a decent measure of what you said about yourself, have found that gaining a better understanding of things like this takes me away from anger and such.)
Not clear how close you are to the mutual friends, but it's challenging to think of them as friends if they haven't told this person that he's out of line and to STFU -- literally or otherwise. There are too many books on friendships to recommend one, but the library is your friend.
(I'm more than a decade older than you, wish I had realized a long time ago was that of course no friends are perfect, but decent people and friends -- people you want to be around -- don't put up with this guy's nonsense, comparably shoddy behavior. Speaking ill of someone 2 years later? How warped is that?!)
posted by ambient2 at 8:25 AM on June 22, 2013
Dealing with them and their effects is difficult, in part for operational reasons and because its hard to articulate how comprehensively the narcissism is at the heart of their existence. I've found it valuable to read about narcissists and gain some understanding. There's some good stuff online if you search for narcissism and NPD.
(I can relate to a decent measure of what you said about yourself, have found that gaining a better understanding of things like this takes me away from anger and such.)
Not clear how close you are to the mutual friends, but it's challenging to think of them as friends if they haven't told this person that he's out of line and to STFU -- literally or otherwise. There are too many books on friendships to recommend one, but the library is your friend.
(I'm more than a decade older than you, wish I had realized a long time ago was that of course no friends are perfect, but decent people and friends -- people you want to be around -- don't put up with this guy's nonsense, comparably shoddy behavior. Speaking ill of someone 2 years later? How warped is that?!)
posted by ambient2 at 8:25 AM on June 22, 2013
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I want to tear down these walls of anger inside me.
This is a good resolve to have. I know that I have posted this on the green recently, but ultimately the most important thing is to understand that this bitterness is a poison that you feed yourself. Sometimes you feed it because it feels good at the time to be angry, but when you feel that happening remember this resolve you made and why you were so fed up with the emotions.
posted by selfnoise at 11:28 AM on June 21, 2013 [2 favorites]