E-mail breakups: Worse than Hitler?

September 21, 2005 3:53 AM

Are e-mail breakups always wrong?

This is a post-mortem question, but I'm still having remorse six months later, and I'm not sure how I could have handled it better.

We had an internet relationship for 1.5 years, first at a distance of 1500 miles, and then at a distance of 200 miles. We saw each other in person four or five times during that time--poor, no cars, no driver's licenses between us. For various reasons, I decided to break things off. I just couldn't deal with pretending things were okay for weeks, then spending the weekend in his parents' house after going through with the breakup, so I chickened out and did it by e-mail. Which was, uh, not good, I guess. But I'm still at a loss to come up with anything better. What's the etiquette here?

posted by anonymous to human relations (16 comments total)

In your case, I think you're off the hook for the face-to-face breakup. If it was really impossible to see him in person, then you were right to do it immediately, and not to start (or finish) a weekend visit, where he thought everything was dandy, with "we need to talk."

However, a phone call would have been way better. (You don't mention this possibility, but I'm operating under the assumption that since you had visited each other, you would have exchanged numbers.)
posted by hilatron at 4:09 AM on September 21, 2005

I think it was appropriate in this case to break up by email since the vast bulk of the relationship was spent communicating electronically. And I would like to think that both of you are glad that you didn't have to go through an awkward weekend stuck together.
posted by Rhomboid at 4:31 AM on September 21, 2005

You should have done it over the phone.
posted by grouse at 4:47 AM on September 21, 2005

An old-fashioned letter would have been better.
posted by Carol Anne at 5:20 AM on September 21, 2005

That said, e-mail is still better than a mobile phone text message.
posted by grouse at 5:26 AM on September 21, 2005

I agree -- the phone would've been the way to go.
posted by josh at 6:21 AM on September 21, 2005

I did it by e-mail once, but it was overseas long distance, and we were both poor grad students.

Once the decision to break up is made, it's important, I think, to get it over with. Better to do it by e-mail if doing it "the right way" causes you to procrastinate, avoid and otherwise drag things out. Breaking up is not easy, and people frequently take a long time to work up the nerve to do it, or start doing things as though they were already single in the meantime because they want to be single (random sex, for example), but are too afraid to pull the plug themselves. If it's easier to do it by e-mail, and every other way causes you to freeze up, then for god's sake do it that way.

E-mail also has the advantage of allowing you to write out your reasons and feelings without things getting emotional, confrontational and otherwise difficult. This can be a real advantage if you don't handle confrontation well, or if you're a better writer than you are a talker.

In general, I say screw etiquette: doing "the right thing" isn't always the best thing -- for either party. Conformity bites.
posted by mcwetboy at 6:48 AM on September 21, 2005

A woman who lived only a block away broke up with me on IM. Email would have been better than that.
posted by MrMoonPie at 8:04 AM on September 21, 2005

My rule is that if you've slept with someone or if you've told them you love them you're past the stage where an email breakup is appropriate. And never ever do what one of my ex-boyfriends did and email your SO first thing in the morning at work to break up with them. Making them (me) cry in front of their co-workers is just never cool.

Why do people always forget the existence of the telephone?
posted by MsMolly at 8:38 AM on September 21, 2005

IM? Dude, SHOUTING would have been better than that. Or a note on a rock through the window. I think you're giving her more credit than she deserves with "woman" - "girl" seems more accurate for that behavior. Or maybe "child" though it might give people the wrong impression about you...

Anon - write youself a waiver, it's been half a year. Even if you were wrong, at a certain point you have to put aside the guilt in favor of a decision to Not Do Wrong Again and move on. Beyond that, every human has the right to do what's best for them while minimizing the harm to others. Maybe you could have really thrown yourself on your sword and suffered 100 times worse to save this person 10% of their suffering but that's above and beyond the call. We all strive to find the balance between doing for ourself and not screwing over others. I think you found the most reasonable balance. Maybe this person would have had some better closure or [pop-psych term here] if you'd done it in person but it sounds like it would have been just as horrid on the other side too.
posted by phearlez at 8:41 AM on September 21, 2005

I don't automatically see an email break-up as wrong. It depends on what you wrote, and how you wrote it. An email in the vein of an olden-days letter can be very expressive in a way that might be difficult to match on the phone.

If someone dropped me by email, I'd rail about it and use it as evidence of their insensitivity. But if the same person dumped me in person, I'd find plenty of other things to fault them for.

What if you had used the phone? I'm betting you would be hard on yourself about something else. I agree with phearlez.
posted by wryly at 8:57 AM on September 21, 2005

I think a letter is better. But, it's time to move on.
posted by KirkJobSluder at 10:10 AM on September 21, 2005

Phone call might have been "better", but there can be other problems (I have done the phone breakup with a kind of messed up long-distance relationship). If you really want to get out of the relationship, depending on the other person, you may have to deal with very persistent and emotional arguing, and you may even have to be prepared to hang up (and not answer calls) if the other person won't stop. If you are not as certain as you think you are, you may end up being the one to back down (which probably wouldn't work out in the long run anyways). In this kind of situation I think email might be way less painful for you, and possibly also for the other person.

From this perspective a letter may be best, but what are you going to do on the phone for the day or two after you've sent the letter before it arrives, if they call you?
posted by advil at 1:44 PM on September 21, 2005

MrMoonPie you made me laugh so loud. I never do that reading this stuff but thanks.

PS I hope your heart is now mended.
posted by ClanvidHorse at 12:53 PM on September 22, 2005

My brother terminated a four year relationship with his fiance by text message. She lived maybe 2-3 miles away.
posted by jedrek at 2:39 PM on September 24, 2005

Oh jedrek, you have got to tell that story.
posted by bright cold day at 6:28 PM on February 18, 2006