Seize the day... in the suckiest sense.
June 18, 2013 8:27 AM Subscribe
AskingForAFriend filter (at his suggestion): I had the "perfect" chance to break up, and I blew it. What now, metafilter?
[Transcribed and re-worded from my friend's email; apologies if the pronouns don't always make sense].
I've been seeing for about eight months, and for the most part, it's been good. For the last few weeks, though, I've felt a growing discontent - nothing that I could put my finger on or articulate properly, but just a knowledge that this relationship, as good as it was, wasn't going to be the one for me. I discussed it with my girlfriend, telling her that I wasn't sure where it was headed, but we agreed to carry on seeing each other for the time being, since I couln't articulate a specific "this is what's wrong" about the relationship.
I should note at this point that my girlfriend has some severe abandonment issues, which she's been working on for a number of years. They've only had a minor impact on our relationship, and we've worked around them by the aforementioned Skyping-every-day so that she knew that I still loved and cared about her.
Last week I had to cut short a vist to my GF [Ed: they live in different cities, a couple of hours apart] after my father got life-threateningly sick [Ed: he's now on the road to recovery, thankfully]. During that time I didn't keep on top of communicating with my girlfriend - usually when we're apart we Skype every night - and although I kept her up-to-date with things via SMS and emails, she began to feel (her words) that I was cutting her out of my life and that I didn't really want to be around her. Although I reassured her about this - that I was going through a really rough time and was not deliberately trying to distance myself from her.
After a lot of reflection last week - sitting in the hospital with a sick relative gives you a lot of time to reflect, I find - I decided that it was time to end things. Carrying things on wasn't fair to me, because I wasn't enjoying myself, but more importantly it wasn't fair to her - she's a lovely woman whom I really did love, however briefly, and she deserves to be with someone as amazing as she is. I resolved to tell her yesterday, and to tell her to her face, since she deserved better than to be dumped over the phone from a distance.
When I met her, she knew that something was wrong. She asked if I was okay, I told her that I wanted to talk about us, and she said "You want to end things with me, don't you? You're going to leave me like everyone else." And instead of saying yes, instead of letting her down as gently as I could, I told her that no, of course I wasn't, but that I needed time to think about our relationship more. She asked if I loved her, and I said yes, even though I know that to be at least in part a lie now.
And we had dinner together, made love, did all the coupley things that a couple might do. We had a good evening together and fell asleep in each other's arms.
And today I'm livid at myself. I lied to someone I profess to care about, I lead her on when she was vulnerable, and I did all I could to avoid breaking her heart despite knowing that that was going to make me even less happy than I already was.
So I need your advice:
1) How do I forgive myself for my utter dickishness?
2) How do I tackle this issue now, knowing that I want to break up with her, without seeming like a complete jerk (can I even hope to do that, since that's what I've been?
3) In future, how can I be more assertive when I'm dealing with this kind of emotionally painful situation?
[Transcribed and re-worded from my friend's email; apologies if the pronouns don't always make sense].
I've been seeing
I should note at this point that my girlfriend has some severe abandonment issues, which she's been working on for a number of years. They've only had a minor impact on our relationship, and we've worked around them by the aforementioned Skyping-every-day so that she knew that I still loved and cared about her.
Last week I had to cut short a vist to my GF [Ed: they live in different cities, a couple of hours apart] after my father got life-threateningly sick [Ed: he's now on the road to recovery, thankfully]. During that time I didn't keep on top of communicating with my girlfriend - usually when we're apart we Skype every night - and although I kept her up-to-date with things via SMS and emails, she began to feel (her words) that I was cutting her out of my life and that I didn't really want to be around her. Although I reassured her about this - that I was going through a really rough time and was not deliberately trying to distance myself from her.
After a lot of reflection last week - sitting in the hospital with a sick relative gives you a lot of time to reflect, I find - I decided that it was time to end things. Carrying things on wasn't fair to me, because I wasn't enjoying myself, but more importantly it wasn't fair to her - she's a lovely woman whom I really did love, however briefly, and she deserves to be with someone as amazing as she is. I resolved to tell her yesterday, and to tell her to her face, since she deserved better than to be dumped over the phone from a distance.
When I met her, she knew that something was wrong. She asked if I was okay, I told her that I wanted to talk about us, and she said "You want to end things with me, don't you? You're going to leave me like everyone else." And instead of saying yes, instead of letting her down as gently as I could, I told her that no, of course I wasn't, but that I needed time to think about our relationship more. She asked if I loved her, and I said yes, even though I know that to be at least in part a lie now.
And we had dinner together, made love, did all the coupley things that a couple might do. We had a good evening together and fell asleep in each other's arms.
And today I'm livid at myself. I lied to someone I profess to care about, I lead her on when she was vulnerable, and I did all I could to avoid breaking her heart despite knowing that that was going to make me even less happy than I already was.
So I need your advice:
1) How do I forgive myself for my utter dickishness?
2) How do I tackle this issue now, knowing that I want to break up with her, without seeming like a complete jerk (can I even hope to do that, since that's what I've been?
3) In future, how can I be more assertive when I'm dealing with this kind of emotionally painful situation?
She sounds really manipulative to me. Don't let her control things. I don't think you need to be so sensitive about her feelings. Do it over the phone if that's the only way you can do it.
posted by feste at 8:31 AM on June 18, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by feste at 8:31 AM on June 18, 2013 [3 favorites]
(I'll just address this to your friend since that makes things simpler.)
Your girlfriend was being manipulative when she said "You're going to leave me like everyone else." It was unfair of her to make you feel responsible for her past breakups and her abandonment issues. Those are hers to deal with, and she isn't dealing with them in a healthy way.
You don't have to forgive yourself, you just need to apologize to her. Here's a basic script: "I'm sorry I wasn't honest with you last time we talked. When you said 'You're going to leave me like everyone else' I felt guilty [or insert other emotion you felt here] and so I panicked and I was unfair to you. I do want to end this relationship. I know this hurts but I don't want you to have to be with someone who can't give you 100% of the love that you deserve."
The way to be more assertive in the future is to always share how you feel and what you are thinking. "When you [action] I feel [emotion]". Always. Every time. Including when something is going well.
posted by capricorn at 8:36 AM on June 18, 2013 [29 favorites]
Your girlfriend was being manipulative when she said "You're going to leave me like everyone else." It was unfair of her to make you feel responsible for her past breakups and her abandonment issues. Those are hers to deal with, and she isn't dealing with them in a healthy way.
You don't have to forgive yourself, you just need to apologize to her. Here's a basic script: "I'm sorry I wasn't honest with you last time we talked. When you said 'You're going to leave me like everyone else' I felt guilty [or insert other emotion you felt here] and so I panicked and I was unfair to you. I do want to end this relationship. I know this hurts but I don't want you to have to be with someone who can't give you 100% of the love that you deserve."
The way to be more assertive in the future is to always share how you feel and what you are thinking. "When you [action] I feel [emotion]". Always. Every time. Including when something is going well.
posted by capricorn at 8:36 AM on June 18, 2013 [29 favorites]
You are not a prescription. You are not a prosthetic limb. Your girlfriend's doctor did not say "Here is a bottle of six sided sock's friend, who will salve your abandonment issues and make you whole." You do not ever need a "reason" to break up with someone, nor are there any ironclad unbreakable "reasons" to stay together. Use Miko's breakup script to get you through it.
posted by Etrigan at 8:36 AM on June 18, 2013 [18 favorites]
posted by Etrigan at 8:36 AM on June 18, 2013 [18 favorites]
THere is no good time, so stop worrying about finding one, and just get it over with.
Is there a bad time? I wouldn't do it on someone's birthday, or right after they learned that their cat died.
posted by thelonius at 8:38 AM on June 18, 2013 [3 favorites]
Is there a bad time? I wouldn't do it on someone's birthday, or right after they learned that their cat died.
posted by thelonius at 8:38 AM on June 18, 2013 [3 favorites]
Breakups are hard. It's ok to flub it a bit. Don't be so hard on yourself.
I would go with capricorn's script.
Your girlfriend will be OK.
posted by phunniemee at 8:38 AM on June 18, 2013 [4 favorites]
I would go with capricorn's script.
Your girlfriend will be OK.
posted by phunniemee at 8:38 AM on June 18, 2013 [4 favorites]
[also addressing to friend...] Look, you've had a hard time worrying about your dad. Your defenses were/are down, I guess, and you were just not up to the responsibility and the stress of a guilt-trip drama. You can try again. Don't beat yourself up.
posted by Namlit at 8:40 AM on June 18, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by Namlit at 8:40 AM on June 18, 2013 [1 favorite]
Break ups suck, and they suck double hard when one partner is super-needy and IMO manipulative.
No need for recriminations, and sometimes you don't need reasons to know that the relationship isn't right for you.
I like Capricorn's script.
While it's hard to break up with a fragile person, at the end of the day, you are not responsible for what she thinks or feels.
You can do this as gently as possible and still have a bad outcome. Ride it out and continue to be as kind as possible while standing your ground.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 8:49 AM on June 18, 2013 [1 favorite]
No need for recriminations, and sometimes you don't need reasons to know that the relationship isn't right for you.
I like Capricorn's script.
While it's hard to break up with a fragile person, at the end of the day, you are not responsible for what she thinks or feels.
You can do this as gently as possible and still have a bad outcome. Ride it out and continue to be as kind as possible while standing your ground.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 8:49 AM on June 18, 2013 [1 favorite]
You do not owe people a specific explanation for why you don't want to see them anymore. Dating is like an at-will job - either partner can leave at any time for any reason or for no reason. It's nice to give cause if you can but if you can't, oh well.
Dating partners shouldn't be perfect but it's reasonable to expect that they will be in a relatively healthy place when you start dating them. If she has abandonment issues, she should be seeing a doctor, not a boyfriend. However, it's also reasonable on her part to expect to talk to her boyfriend on a regular basis - you two should decide what that means to you. If she needs to talk to you every day and you can't do that, it's not going to work.
It sounds nuts that your girlfriend was giving you a hard time about dealing with a family emergency but it sounds like you might have been pulling away already. You forgive yourself by saying that you did the best you could and you can't do any better than that but you'll try in the future. Don't say "you were right last time," just end it. Do it ASAP, even if that means on the phone. Rip the Band-Aid off.
You get better by practicing. It's easier to be honest with people when you're continually honest with them. This is a lame example but my husband needs to eat every few hours so if we're out, occasionally I'll ask how hungry he is on a scale of 1 to 10. If he says 3 and two minutes later said 9, I would feel annoyed but if he said 5 and then half an hour later was at 7, that's reasonable. If you can avoid blind-siding people emotionally, you should. But for now, forgive yourself, dump the girl and move on.
posted by kat518 at 8:51 AM on June 18, 2013 [4 favorites]
Dating partners shouldn't be perfect but it's reasonable to expect that they will be in a relatively healthy place when you start dating them. If she has abandonment issues, she should be seeing a doctor, not a boyfriend. However, it's also reasonable on her part to expect to talk to her boyfriend on a regular basis - you two should decide what that means to you. If she needs to talk to you every day and you can't do that, it's not going to work.
It sounds nuts that your girlfriend was giving you a hard time about dealing with a family emergency but it sounds like you might have been pulling away already. You forgive yourself by saying that you did the best you could and you can't do any better than that but you'll try in the future. Don't say "you were right last time," just end it. Do it ASAP, even if that means on the phone. Rip the Band-Aid off.
You get better by practicing. It's easier to be honest with people when you're continually honest with them. This is a lame example but my husband needs to eat every few hours so if we're out, occasionally I'll ask how hungry he is on a scale of 1 to 10. If he says 3 and two minutes later said 9, I would feel annoyed but if he said 5 and then half an hour later was at 7, that's reasonable. If you can avoid blind-siding people emotionally, you should. But for now, forgive yourself, dump the girl and move on.
posted by kat518 at 8:51 AM on June 18, 2013 [4 favorites]
re: not feeling like a jerk - if she got that weird/self-centered/anxious when you were at your sick father's bedside, it seems like there isn't going to be a way to do it that she will feel okay about. It sounds like you are trying to do the right thing and not be mean about this. Go with that - say it the way you'd like to hear it, were you in her shoes. Just be honest and don't let her manipulate you. Trying to be nice by not being honest is a disservice to both of you in the long run.
posted by Beti at 8:55 AM on June 18, 2013
posted by Beti at 8:55 AM on June 18, 2013
It is okay! You are an okay human being.
When I was dealing with something like this, I listened to Break your Heart by the Barenaked ladies a lot and felt like an awful person. And we broke up. And then I felt shitty some more and did some more dickish things, and things are better and hopefully I will do better next time.
posted by oranger at 9:21 AM on June 18, 2013 [2 favorites]
When I was dealing with something like this, I listened to Break your Heart by the Barenaked ladies a lot and felt like an awful person. And we broke up. And then I felt shitty some more and did some more dickish things, and things are better and hopefully I will do better next time.
posted by oranger at 9:21 AM on June 18, 2013 [2 favorites]
Unlike a lot of people here, I'm inclined to cut your girlfriend a bit of slack. Was your girlfriend saying "you're going to leave me like everyone else" manipulative? Hells yes. But I kind of understand whats going on. It sounds like you've been pulling back and pulling away for a little while. Feeling insecure in a relationship and not being sure if you're going to get dumped at any minute can turn the most sane, rational person all kinds of crazy. She probably knows you're half way out the door. She isn't ready to end things so she is doing anything she can to keep you there in the hopes that you change your mind. That doesn't make her saying that okay, but I do get what she's going through. She's in love. She wants this relationship to continue. She sees you pulling away all the while reassuring her and keeping the status quo. And then you go more-or-less radio silent for a week. It doesn't matter that your reasons for being incommunicado are totally reasonable and legit. She is desperate and confused.
That said, I do think you need to end it, and end it soon. Like, today. She knows its coming, she is probably being driven mad over it. Yes, breaking up is never fun, but it has to be done. The longer you put it off, the worse it is going to be for you and for her. Put her out of her misery, pull the trigger and end it so that both of you can start to heal and move on with your lives.
FWIW - I was in a situation fairly similar to yours, only I am a woman who was trying to break up with her boyfriend. A relative was in the hospital having more-or-less emergency breast cancer surger and I wasn't available to talk much for 2 days. He sent increasingly angry "You aren't making me a priority" type emails during that time, which i tried to respond to when I had a free moment, but he just went off the deep end a bit. He got more and more accusatory and hostile. He also started leaving passive aggressive facebook statuses about me (ie. "You think you know someone but they'll always hurt you if they can" or "Serves me right for trusting someone"). I saw them, knew they were about me, so the next time I emailed him I mentioned them, saying that I know he was unhappy with my not being available to him the past couple of days, but I didn't like how he was basically broadcasting it on facebook. He lied and said they weren't about me. (He later admitted that they were. No duh.) I totally checked out at that point. I finally decided enough was enough so I invited him over. He did a "you're going to leave me like everyone else" line. I'm guessing I was farther down the "I want to end this" track than you were when your girlfriend tried that line. You felt guilt. I felt ANGRY. I got angry at having someone try so blantantly to manipulate me.
Anyway, the breakup... wasn't pretty, and it ended with him taking a box of popsicles out of my freezer and wakling out my door with them saying how my breaking up with him was a big mistake and how I'm never going to find someone like him ever again. Thank god he was right. ha ha
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 9:29 AM on June 18, 2013 [22 favorites]
That said, I do think you need to end it, and end it soon. Like, today. She knows its coming, she is probably being driven mad over it. Yes, breaking up is never fun, but it has to be done. The longer you put it off, the worse it is going to be for you and for her. Put her out of her misery, pull the trigger and end it so that both of you can start to heal and move on with your lives.
FWIW - I was in a situation fairly similar to yours, only I am a woman who was trying to break up with her boyfriend. A relative was in the hospital having more-or-less emergency breast cancer surger and I wasn't available to talk much for 2 days. He sent increasingly angry "You aren't making me a priority" type emails during that time, which i tried to respond to when I had a free moment, but he just went off the deep end a bit. He got more and more accusatory and hostile. He also started leaving passive aggressive facebook statuses about me (ie. "You think you know someone but they'll always hurt you if they can" or "Serves me right for trusting someone"). I saw them, knew they were about me, so the next time I emailed him I mentioned them, saying that I know he was unhappy with my not being available to him the past couple of days, but I didn't like how he was basically broadcasting it on facebook. He lied and said they weren't about me. (He later admitted that they were. No duh.) I totally checked out at that point. I finally decided enough was enough so I invited him over. He did a "you're going to leave me like everyone else" line. I'm guessing I was farther down the "I want to end this" track than you were when your girlfriend tried that line. You felt guilt. I felt ANGRY. I got angry at having someone try so blantantly to manipulate me.
Anyway, the breakup... wasn't pretty, and it ended with him taking a box of popsicles out of my freezer and wakling out my door with them saying how my breaking up with him was a big mistake and how I'm never going to find someone like him ever again. Thank god he was right. ha ha
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 9:29 AM on June 18, 2013 [22 favorites]
The best time to break up with someone is as soon as you're 100% sure it's what you want. Failing that, as close to that moment as possible. The other partner usually has a sense of what's coming - in your case, she obviously knows - so it's kindest to shorten that awful period of waiting for the inevitable. The breakup will hurt no matter when or where or how you deliver it. And she will heal.
Miko's oft-linked advice is always good, as is capricorn's advice above. I think, especially in this situation, you should be sure to emphasize the "you are a wonderful person, you deserve an equally wonderful partner who loves you immensely, and you will find that love even if it's not me" and minimize or elide anything that she could possibly interpret as the breakup being somehow her fault.
She has some self-esteem issues that she'll need to continue to work on, and yes, this will be a setback as far as that goes. But you can't make it not be a setback. And this is her battle, and you can neither fight it for her or protect her from it indefinitely. Many people struggle with abandonment, and a lot of them make real progress. You are not breaking her by breaking up with her.
posted by Metroid Baby at 9:39 AM on June 18, 2013 [2 favorites]
Miko's oft-linked advice is always good, as is capricorn's advice above. I think, especially in this situation, you should be sure to emphasize the "you are a wonderful person, you deserve an equally wonderful partner who loves you immensely, and you will find that love even if it's not me" and minimize or elide anything that she could possibly interpret as the breakup being somehow her fault.
She has some self-esteem issues that she'll need to continue to work on, and yes, this will be a setback as far as that goes. But you can't make it not be a setback. And this is her battle, and you can neither fight it for her or protect her from it indefinitely. Many people struggle with abandonment, and a lot of them make real progress. You are not breaking her by breaking up with her.
posted by Metroid Baby at 9:39 AM on June 18, 2013 [2 favorites]
1) How do I forgive myself for my utter dickishness?
Accept that you are a person doing the best you can to make yourself happy. At each moment, you are acting as you see best in that moment. That doesn't mean you won't make mistakes and have things to learn from, it doesn't mean there are not patterns to be addressed, or growth that can occur. It means that looking backward isn't going to provide you with solutions. How do you forgive yourself? Forgive yourself and move on.
If it helps, just consider that you are one of tens of billions of people. Every one of them has made mistakes – done things they wish they didn't do, said things they wished they hadn't said, not said things they later wished they would have.
Mistakes are part of the human condition. Laugh at yourself and stop taking it so seriously that it continues to be a concern. If someone told you the story of what had happened, how would you treat them? Probably with compassion. Treat yourself the same way.
2) How do I tackle this issue now, knowing that I want to break up with her, without seeming like a complete jerk (can I even hope to do that, since that's what I've been?
There's often a nexus between people with abandonment issues and caretaker personalities. You could have just walked out the door. You did not create her issues, you are not responsible for them, and nothing says you have to live with them. She had her own life before she met you. She made her own choices, and created her own existence. You had no part in that, and it's not on you to accept it. If you want to be with her, then be with her. If you don't want to be with her, then break up with her.
She'll be fine. She'll have the life she deserves either way. And so will you. A relationship is the decision to be with a person, and it's a decision that you make every day. You can stop making it at any time. The caretaker personality thing isn't going to help, because you feel responsible for other people's happiness. In this case, you are trading your own happiness so that you do not hurt her. You don't think this is the right relationship for you, but you continue. Is that authentic? Are you REALLY taking care of her and being a good boyfriend? Or are you afraid of hurting her? If you are with her because you are afraid of hurting her, that is not an authentic relationship and you're not doing very much to take care of her.
Just tell her the relationship is not for you, and be on your way. There's no magic to it, or right time. It is never a good time to disappoint someone. It doesn't help to label yourself as a jerk. That is something else speaking. You are a man who is making a decision about his life. Let others interpret it as they may, for they don't have to live your life. Again, have you ever known someone who broke up with someone they loved? Did you think they were a jerk? You probably thought they had a tough situation on their hands and needed compassion. Treat yourself the same.
3) In future, how can I be more assertive when I'm dealing with this kind of emotionally painful situation?
You have to believe in yourself enough to respect what you need. Your girlfriend will cry when you break up. She will be sad. You will be sad. And that is fine. That is what is supposed to happen. There's nothing wrong with being sad. It's not worth trying to avoid. Moving forward, the sooner you can face what you perceive as pain, the faster you will resolve the situation causing it. The longer you wait, the bigger it will seem. The bigger it is, the harder it will be to do, and you will remain trapped in places that you don't want to be. In the future, give yourself a reasonable amount of space to think, and then act. Don't remain stuck in thought.
posted by nickrussell at 10:24 AM on June 18, 2013 [4 favorites]
Accept that you are a person doing the best you can to make yourself happy. At each moment, you are acting as you see best in that moment. That doesn't mean you won't make mistakes and have things to learn from, it doesn't mean there are not patterns to be addressed, or growth that can occur. It means that looking backward isn't going to provide you with solutions. How do you forgive yourself? Forgive yourself and move on.
If it helps, just consider that you are one of tens of billions of people. Every one of them has made mistakes – done things they wish they didn't do, said things they wished they hadn't said, not said things they later wished they would have.
Mistakes are part of the human condition. Laugh at yourself and stop taking it so seriously that it continues to be a concern. If someone told you the story of what had happened, how would you treat them? Probably with compassion. Treat yourself the same way.
2) How do I tackle this issue now, knowing that I want to break up with her, without seeming like a complete jerk (can I even hope to do that, since that's what I've been?
There's often a nexus between people with abandonment issues and caretaker personalities. You could have just walked out the door. You did not create her issues, you are not responsible for them, and nothing says you have to live with them. She had her own life before she met you. She made her own choices, and created her own existence. You had no part in that, and it's not on you to accept it. If you want to be with her, then be with her. If you don't want to be with her, then break up with her.
She'll be fine. She'll have the life she deserves either way. And so will you. A relationship is the decision to be with a person, and it's a decision that you make every day. You can stop making it at any time. The caretaker personality thing isn't going to help, because you feel responsible for other people's happiness. In this case, you are trading your own happiness so that you do not hurt her. You don't think this is the right relationship for you, but you continue. Is that authentic? Are you REALLY taking care of her and being a good boyfriend? Or are you afraid of hurting her? If you are with her because you are afraid of hurting her, that is not an authentic relationship and you're not doing very much to take care of her.
Just tell her the relationship is not for you, and be on your way. There's no magic to it, or right time. It is never a good time to disappoint someone. It doesn't help to label yourself as a jerk. That is something else speaking. You are a man who is making a decision about his life. Let others interpret it as they may, for they don't have to live your life. Again, have you ever known someone who broke up with someone they loved? Did you think they were a jerk? You probably thought they had a tough situation on their hands and needed compassion. Treat yourself the same.
3) In future, how can I be more assertive when I'm dealing with this kind of emotionally painful situation?
You have to believe in yourself enough to respect what you need. Your girlfriend will cry when you break up. She will be sad. You will be sad. And that is fine. That is what is supposed to happen. There's nothing wrong with being sad. It's not worth trying to avoid. Moving forward, the sooner you can face what you perceive as pain, the faster you will resolve the situation causing it. The longer you wait, the bigger it will seem. The bigger it is, the harder it will be to do, and you will remain trapped in places that you don't want to be. In the future, give yourself a reasonable amount of space to think, and then act. Don't remain stuck in thought.
posted by nickrussell at 10:24 AM on June 18, 2013 [4 favorites]
It may help to think this way--it may feel bad to hurt someone's feelings to break up with them but it is a far worse thing to lead them on when you know you won't stay with them. Just make it simple and quick and don't think about "perfect chances" to break up. This is just a fabrication of your mind. The perfect chance is the next time you speak to her. Nothing is going to get better by waiting.
posted by dottiechang at 11:53 AM on June 18, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by dottiechang at 11:53 AM on June 18, 2013 [1 favorite]
This is an opportunity to learn how to deal with a difficult conversation. It's hard to break up with someone. Here's an approach that works and is kind, respectful and effective.
1) How do I forgive myself for my utter dickishness? You're human, doing your best, and don't want to cause pain.
2) How do I tackle this issue now, ...? GF, your instincts were right. I've had a chance to think about our relationship, and it's not what I want, etc. see link above.
3) In future, how can I be more assertive ...? Practice helps, and there's a lot of books and advice on the web. It depends on what you learned about communication as you grew up. It took me a long time to learn that I can communicate my needs without drama and emotional fireworks. Your perspective is likely different.
posted by theora55 at 12:22 PM on June 18, 2013 [1 favorite]
1) How do I forgive myself for my utter dickishness? You're human, doing your best, and don't want to cause pain.
2) How do I tackle this issue now, ...? GF, your instincts were right. I've had a chance to think about our relationship, and it's not what I want, etc. see link above.
3) In future, how can I be more assertive ...? Practice helps, and there's a lot of books and advice on the web. It depends on what you learned about communication as you grew up. It took me a long time to learn that I can communicate my needs without drama and emotional fireworks. Your perspective is likely different.
posted by theora55 at 12:22 PM on June 18, 2013 [1 favorite]
You need to break up with her as soon as possible and stop jerking her around. The overwhelming feeling I get from most of these responses is "fuck her, you owe her nothing, cut and run, not your fault" but that is really oversimplifying this. You want to break up with her, which is totally fine, but you need to break up with her. It was cruel to do the coupley things with her, have sex, spend the night cuddling and so on, all because you felt guilty. That gave her false hope. She obviously doesn't want the relationship to end so yeah, I think it was dickish that you did all that knowing you weren't going to continue the relationship. If I were her, I'd feel a bit used and lied to.
So end it NOW. She doesn't have to agree to the break-up, obviously, and you don't have to have a reason beyond not wanting to be in a relationship with her. And it will hurt her very much but the best thing you can do for her is be upfront and end it now, make it clear that you're ending it, and be as kind as you can in doing so. If she wants to talk about things it would be nice of you to talk it through a bit but keep a limit on it and be firm about ending it.
posted by Polychrome at 8:30 AM on June 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
So end it NOW. She doesn't have to agree to the break-up, obviously, and you don't have to have a reason beyond not wanting to be in a relationship with her. And it will hurt her very much but the best thing you can do for her is be upfront and end it now, make it clear that you're ending it, and be as kind as you can in doing so. If she wants to talk about things it would be nice of you to talk it through a bit but keep a limit on it and be firm about ending it.
posted by Polychrome at 8:30 AM on June 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
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2. Break up quickly, firmly, and with heart. "You were right last time. I am breaking it off. I'm sorry."
3. You try not to get into this kind of emotionally painful situation by being honest as much as possible, so you don't surprise your partner with emotions you've been hiding from her.
posted by xingcat at 8:31 AM on June 18, 2013 [2 favorites]