How do I avoid becoming like my parents re: treatment of kids?

June 17, 2013 8:43 PM

I noticed that I may treat kids like how my parents treat them. How do I de-program myself from thinking like them?

(This is both a problem in my relationship with my parents, and my relationship with kids.) I would primarily like advice on how to change my interaction with kids.

In a class I help teach, I realized a few of my hypocrisies: 1) how I like and give more attention to the "easy" and well-behaved kids. I also realized 2) I failed to set firm boundaries for them (for example, only one person should be out the door at once. I let them all go at once.) This instance made me realize that 3) I failed to be on the same page as my co-teacher, and I would like to avoid a good cop-bad cop situation where one of us is easier on the students.

1) I realized how much I had internalized how my parents view kids, from how they treat my siblings and I, to hearing them talk about other kids. My parents always felt they were "unfortunate" in having my siblings and me, because we are more difficult. Even in talking about how my cousin raises her baby, my mom praised her for teaching the baby well, and the baby being well-liked and going to sleep early. Subtle things like these (even when not directed at me), make me feel like good kids = kids who make their parents' lives easier. BUT I remember how much I resented that as a child-- the feeling that I am inferior and my parents would feel lucky to have other kids. So it really bothers me that now I am closer to being in their position, I would treat kids the same way by liking the "easy" ones more. I want to be fair and remember how I felt as a kid- ignored and passed over. As an adult, I do not want to make other kids feel that way.

2) I want to set firm boundaries and be able crowd-control a small group of kids. (Implementing rules of what they can and cannot do.) Rather than letting them do what would be easy for me, I want to be firm with them (especially as a group) I would greatly appreciate practical tips in this area.

3) I will communicate with the teacher I'm assisting to see what tips she has on classroom rules. But not having a "united front"/being inconsistent with kids is something my parents did, that really messed up the dynamic between my siblings and I, and also our respective relationships with our parents.

Do any parents/teachers have advice on how to avoid these ways of interacting with kids? I really want to be fair and treat each kid as their own case, instead of bringing my own baggage into my interactions with them.

PS. How do you de-program yourself from how your parents see kids/ YOURSELF?? It is too easy for me to see this teaching opportunity as therapy and my own experiment with kids, but I NEED TO NOT make this about myself. How do I separate my own problems from who I am at this job, which is so personal to me?

posted by ichomp to Human Relations (8 answers total)

Best answer: Someday these children you work with will be running the country and taking care of you when you get old. Treat all of them with the utmost love, respect, and kindness, so that they grow up with as much of that as possible, so that they can give it back to you and the rest of us folks living here in the world, too. That's how I look at it, anyway, and it really makes a difference, because they are all good kids who are trying to get their needs met in any way that they can, and they all come from different circumstances and backgrounds that meet their needs either completely, or not at all, or somewhere in between. The way you treat these children matters, no matter what you think, so treat them the way they deserve to be treated: with care, and with kindness. They'll remember you for it.

And take the time to treat yourself with kindness, because it DOES sound like you've internalized the mantra that good kids are the ones who make their parents' lives easier. We are all human. We make mistakes. We make things difficult sometimes. And we grow because of it! Find a way to see yourself as a lovable child in the way you don't think your parents looked upon you, because once you can find that lovable aspect of yourself, you may find it easier to see that in the children you help teach, too.
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 8:59 PM on June 17, 2013 [9 favorites]

For #1, I think the best thing is to really notice and appreciate what makes each child special. I would suggest making a list (at home!) of every child in the class and for each one, write down the things that make him or her special. Some things might be things they do (helped A. find her lunch) or (big smile every morning) and others might be the child's preferences that would help you connect them (likes NinjaTurtles or has a poodle at home) I would be specific or at least include specific examples because no one is "good" or "shy" all the time. Keep add to the list for a week or two - know thing that you have the list will help you pay attention to good things that the children do. Looking at the list, you will also see which kids are harder for you to connect with and you can pay more attention to noticing them. The best teachers are the ones that really like and care about each and every kid in the room for being exactly who they are.
posted by metahawk at 9:05 PM on June 17, 2013 [3 favorites]

re: the PS., the way to do this is to actually separate your own feelings into an appropriate venue to be processed there, and do this via therapy. Therapists seek consultation from supervisors and their own personal therapy when in this situation--I think it's also appropriate here.

Learn to recognize violations of the structure immediately, and the appropriate consequence for a violation of that structure, and apply that consequence consistently without "I'm sorry but..." or "well just this once..."

The kids who behave poorly do so because it serves a purpose for them: to gain attention, to be acknowledged, to have the focus of someone who has influence over them. Instead of fulfilling that need with punishment, give it to those kids before they misbehave! Pick out those kids you find yourself ignoring and catch them being good. "I like that you got in line the way I asked, and you were the first one to do it! Awesome job listening!" etc.
posted by so_gracefully at 9:15 PM on June 17, 2013 [1 favorite]

I've only recently started this book, but I think Parenting from the Inside Out might be really good for you (although I'm not sure how much would apply to a teacher-student dynamic).
posted by logic vs love at 10:10 PM on June 17, 2013

There are a lot of blogs, facebook pages, and books on the subjects of attachment parenting, positive parenting, and positive discipline. They talk a lot about setting respectful boundaries with children. You don't have to be a parent to get good insight from them.
posted by vignettist at 10:22 PM on June 17, 2013 [1 favorite]

From my experience with kiddos, I think the most important thing to remember is to hold ALL of them to the same high expectations. The students will see that you are being fair and it will allow you to bond with all of them in individual ways. I would also try really hard to identify with the more difficult students. I had a pretty easy 5th grade class during my most recent year of student teaching, but I still worked hard to bond with the more difficult students and figure out how they thought, what they thought about school and what they enjoyed at school. It paid off to see them improve throughout the year and push themselves to become better students.

I also know that holding your ground and setting firm boundaries and sticking to those boundaries is super duper hard to do. I knew how important it was but not until my second group of kids did I really put that into place and stay firm and show them that I meant what I said.

Regarding teaching and interacting with kiddos, you might want to read a few books on classroom management. I know that these helped me a HUGE deal in my first year and continue to help me now as I transition into starting my very own classroom. The most important one for me was Teaching Children to Care a really fantastic book. I also really enjoyed reading The Warm Demander (pdf link) and many resources found at ResponsiveClassroom.com.

Memail me if you have any more questions, I just finished a very demanding credential program and am happy to reach out and connect with new/beginning teachers (We need to stick together!) !
posted by ruhroh at 11:52 PM on June 17, 2013 [2 favorites]

Mod note: Please answer the OPs question and don't start an argument about the educational system's flaws generally.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 8:05 AM on June 18, 2013

Best answer: I think awareness is your number one ally here- and lucky for you, you're not alone in the classroom! Recruit your other teacher to help you with this. "I realised that I'm not doing the best job setting boundaries with the kids, and I wonder if we can come up with something? Do you have any thoughts?".

Now, about favouring some kids- it's natural, so don't beat yourself up over it. Instead, make a list, at home, of the kids that you find troublesome, and pick two. When you're next in class, make a point of trying to understand what those kids need from you, and what things about them are really endearing. Now, don't try to force yourself to "befriend" them if it would be phony- just try to understand them, and you'll naturally start to care for them more. Rinse, repeat, and good on you for being so self-aware and caring.
posted by windykites at 11:00 AM on June 18, 2013 [1 favorite]