Should I be less affectionate with my wife?

June 13, 2013 2:11 PM

My wife and I have been together for many, many years, and have a very happy relationship. Best friends first, then lovers, then parents, now very happily married couple of almost three decades. The problem is, I think I might be too affectionate with her, and I'm looking for perspective on whether or not I should dial it back, and if so, how to go about doing it without fundamentally changing who I am.

I am, by nature, a very affectionate person. Very emotional. And I tend to go through "seasons" in our relationship, if you will, and I'm in the middle of one right now, in which I'm completely head-over-heels in love with her. Like, beginning of a teenage relationship, she's the best thing in the world and I can't stop looking at her, feelings. This manifests itself, when I'm near her, in me being very physically affectionate. Hugs, kisses, everything. Telling her how pretty she looks, can't shut up about it. And here's the thing, it's not that I'm trying to do this. It just comes out naturally because I really am feeling it.

Here's the problem: She's NOT a very affectionate person. So she just kind of absorbs it all. She's very quiet and reserved and would never think to say any of those things to me, or reach out for a hug if I were walking by.

And that's fine! That's not the question - it's not that I want her to do the things I'm doing. I'm questioning whether or not it's too much, it's exhausting, it goes in one ear and out the other, maybe she wants my hand on her ass a little less often. But when I ask her - "Honey, am I being too grabby?" "Honey, do I talk too much about how nice you look?" she insists, "No, I love it."

In the past, when it has occurred to me that maybe I'm hugging a little too much and saying a few too many compliments, I've intentionally dialed it back. And inevitably, that gets noticed, and she thinks something's wrong with me, that I'm mad at her. Because I'm not acting like me anymore.

So, do you think I should dial it back? Has anyone had an analogous situation, where the affection levels are pretty far apart but the relationship is still great? If I do dial it back, how can I do that in a healthy way and one that doesn't feel like I'm either pulling away from her, or not being true to myself and my feelings?

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (42 answers total)

she insists, "No, I love it."

Christ, dude! Take her at her word! You've been together for 30 years and are gaga in love with your wife. Don't change anything.
posted by phunniemee at 2:14 PM on June 13, 2013 [166 favorites]

Jesus Christ, if you can't take what your wife says when she gives you a direct answer to a direct question at face value after many years of a very happy marriage, there is literally no hope for any of the rest of us.

Stop over-thinking this, this instant, and go buy your wife some flowers in silent apology for being really pretty dumb here.
posted by DarlingBri at 2:14 PM on June 13, 2013 [69 favorites]

Let loose! Be yourself. It's her job to let you know if it's too much. She doesn't seem to mind, so let it all out!

I'm a 'not very affectionate person' too, and I'd be spoiled by all that attention.

Go for it!
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 2:15 PM on June 13, 2013 [3 favorites]

I think you should believe your wife when she says she loves it--especially since it's backed up by actions that indicate she's telling the truth (being worried something's wrong when you dial it back).
posted by drlith at 2:15 PM on June 13, 2013 [1 favorite]

Nope, you're good. Especially if it bums her out when you dial it back! If she wanted you to dial it back, she would probably respond positively to that, rather than worrying that something is wrong. Listen to your wife, be happy.
posted by goodbyewaffles at 2:19 PM on June 13, 2013 [4 favorites]

i suspect that if she truly had a problem with the level of affection you were showing her she would have either said something or you would have seen resentment building in her over three decades. take her at her word!
posted by marshmallow peep at 2:20 PM on June 13, 2013 [2 favorites]

She said she loves it. She probably does! Don't be less affectionate. I have a similar balance in my relationship. Part of it is because I come from a more reserved, less touchy-feely family, so i have not developed a big vocabulary of spontaneous demonstrations of affection. One of the reasons I love my partner is that he is so un-hung-up about this and lets me know he is happy to be with me by being affectionate. She may not behave exactly as you do but she probably means what she says.
posted by Miko at 2:20 PM on June 13, 2013 [1 favorite]

If my husband gets too grabby (like say I'm trying to cook or something) I tell him flat out that I love when he hugs me, but please let me cook or stir this thing in a pan, or take the thing out of the oven before it burns, or whatever.

Trust me, she will tell you if she gets annoyed by it or if there is a better time to be huggy. She told you she loves it, trust her on that.
posted by Crystalinne at 2:23 PM on June 13, 2013 [3 favorites]

She said she loves it when you don't cut back, and you're asking internet strangers if you should cut back.

When you've cut back in the past she's wondered if something is amiss, and you're asking internet strangers how best to cut back.

Do you respect your wife? Because you're not listening to her.
posted by headnsouth at 2:24 PM on June 13, 2013 [11 favorites]

If you swapped "physical affection" for "emotional discussion", I am your wife and my partner is you. He constantly wants to talk stuff out where I don't. But I've had to teach him that just because I don't want to do this doesn't mean I don't want him to do it. I love that we're so different. And if he starts not talking to me about stuff, I know something is wrong.

I get that it is slightly different because being the person giving the physical affection and not receiving the same can make you feel a little out of whack. But aren't you happy just to do it (as long as you aren't driving her crazy - which is the opposite of what seems to be happening)?

This reminds me of something that came up in another thread recently where someone talked about how Ask Metafilter provided them with perspective. Relationships are hard because it's just the two of you, and you're just the one partner, so sometimes when your partner is different, it feels wrong. But here's another perspective -- you sound pretty lucky.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 2:26 PM on June 13, 2013 [2 favorites]

Additionally, if you're still asking this after such a long relationship, are you self-conscious in general about your expressive and effusive nature? Have you been told off by others or had your attitude remarked upon?
posted by cendawanita at 2:26 PM on June 13, 2013

You definitely have confirmed that you suffer from an excess of being awesome.
posted by xingcat at 2:30 PM on June 13, 2013 [17 favorites]

I think it would be quite within your rights to ask her for a little occasional reassurance about this, if it really is fine. A little "thank you", or "it's nice that you're so expressive", or a hand squeeze, or a smile could be all you need.
posted by amtho at 2:31 PM on June 13, 2013 [5 favorites]

You are in love with your wife and she tells you she loves the affection. I don't see the problem here. If her response was more lukewarm or you were insisting on inappropriate PDAs in public, then maybe there's grounds to worry about dialing it back. But if you enjoy cuddling and kissing your wife at home or whatever and she says she likes it, don't give it a second thought and enjoy your healthy relationship.
posted by AppleTurnover at 2:47 PM on June 13, 2013

Be yourself. Don't get self-concious. She loves you, loves how you act, and after almost 30 years of happy married life, you should trust her.
posted by Area Man at 2:49 PM on June 13, 2013

Has your wife ever, and I mean ever, given you a request or told you something that was even remotely awkward or uncomfortable? Like "uh, I can smell your feet from here" or "I'd prefer it if you didn't sing along to the radio" or "could you please stop calling it 'making love'?" If so, she's equally capable of telling you to lay off the affection. If she wanted you to. Which she doesn't.

The issue isn't your affectionate nature, it's your self-consciousness about it, mixed in with maybe a little bit of worry that you'll mess up things with your wife. She loves you and she'll tell you if she needs you to do something differently; trust her on this.
posted by Metroid Baby at 2:52 PM on June 13, 2013

Be yourself, trust your wife, and keep on keepin' on with all that grab-ass.
posted by scody at 2:53 PM on June 13, 2013 [2 favorites]

I agree with the above, but if you're still feeling uncertain, it might be useful to consider the love languages. If it turns out that one of your wife's primary love language is something other than "physical touch" and "words of affirmation," you could channel some of your affection into another means of expression.
posted by BrashTech at 2:54 PM on June 13, 2013

Dude. You are a lucky man. There is no problem here.

But if it will make you feel any better, how about exactly once (and only once!) per day, when you feel the impulse to be affectionate, you hold back. There! Dialed back, under control, your wife won't think something's wrong, and you still get to be you 99.9% of the time.
posted by fikri at 3:02 PM on June 13, 2013 [2 favorites]

Don't dial it back but get a cat - anytime you think "omg, am I too affectionate?!?" go pet the cat. The cat will love it and you'll feel better.
posted by travelwithcats at 3:07 PM on June 13, 2013 [1 favorite]

The problem isn't that you're too affectionate, it's that you're too busy obsessing about how in love you are to listen to or trust what's being said by the object of your affection. So if you're asking if you should dial it back, yes I think you should dial it back in a way that allows you to hear her voice over the sound of your own heartbeat.

Seconding you should get a cat.
posted by bleep at 3:11 PM on June 13, 2013 [3 favorites]

Not the exact same thing, but I was in an uneven relationship where I talked more, was more gushy, etc. At first, I was uncomfortable. But, like others are suggesting, I took his word for it that he was okay with me talking more, being more gushy, etc. Also, I eventually found other ways to measure the situation. For example, I eventually realized that he really listened to me and there really was plenty of two way interaction, even though he spoke less. He made brief remarks but he did engage me, very much so. It was not a case of just waiting for me to shut up so he could get a word in edgewise.

So take her word. Look for supporting evidence that she means it. And just enjoy it. Not everyone gets to feel crazy in love like that.

(On preview: I will agree that petting the cat might help, but I mean that as a polite euphemism having nothing to do with pets. Peace.)
posted by Michele in California at 3:11 PM on June 13, 2013 [3 favorites]

The reason people are taking the Lord's name in vain is that your wife has given you consistent feedback: When you inquire about the behavior, she expresses approval; and when you curb the behavior, she indicates that she misses it.

The question for you to consider is where your insecurity is coming from. First, is it based on anything that you perceive to be external? A signal from your wife, an offhand comment, something that has stoked your insecurity...or is it coming entirely from within yourself. Second, if there is something external, are you reading it fairly; or are you projecting your internal insecurity and reading her comment/signal in that light?

You've given us no reason to think your behavior is inappropriate or needs curbing. Do you have a reason? If not, feel consoled.
posted by cribcage at 3:13 PM on June 13, 2013 [3 favorites]

Don't dial it back! If she's told you she likes it, and has expressed concern when you have dialed it back, then just keep doing your thing, and don't worry. (I think it's awesome and wonderful that, after nearly 30 years, you're still so affectionate with your wife. I'm not sure how common that is.)
posted by sarcasticah at 3:50 PM on June 13, 2013

She's being consistent. She likes it when you do it, and doesn't like it when you stop. Why on earth are you asking metafilter if you should stop? If there's some underlying discomfort you've got, that's a different question. Maybe you want to channel this affectionate energy in a different way but you don't know how? Maybe you want to even out your "phases" because it throws you off balance in another area of your life? Honestly it sounds pretty dang nice to me! But I do have an idea.

Maybe part of the time when you want to be physically affectionate but perhaps your wife is busy, or she's not there and you're mooning about her, you could put that energy into creating a project for or about her. Is there something your wife has always wanted? Maybe she's not demonstrative about her love, but she has family she's close to or mementos or something, and you could make a precious object for her that keeps those memories together. Or maybe she's always wanted, I don't know, a really nice garden, or she likes your poetry, or just a nice clean house, or a really yummy meal cooked by you? Something that you can do on your own, but still keep her in your thoughts. It's a different way of being demonstrative. You can feel good about it and she can appreciate it, and also it's productive. I don't mean make lots of surprises for her, unless she loves surprises. She can know about whatever it is. "Oh, S.O. is so sweet, they're making me a place to keep and display my rock collection!" That kind of thing.
posted by Mizu at 4:22 PM on June 13, 2013 [1 favorite]

I am maybe a little less reserved than your wife, but my husband is definitely more affectionate than I am. I truly do love it; it makes me feel special and loved. So there's some anecdata for you :)
posted by Cygnet at 4:37 PM on June 13, 2013

You seem to be assuming that there's some universal standard of acceptable levels of affection but there's really not, and even if there was, your wife's feelings on the subject would not be dictated by it. To me, you sound way OTT. However, she married you. No doubt you would think my husband and I are unfeeling arseholes. Who cares? With everyone else- if she says its cool, it is, and if its not, then you guys have communication issues, not affection issues.
posted by jojobobo at 4:45 PM on June 13, 2013

People don't always express love in the way they want to receive it. She may not be bubbling over with words of love, but she may appreciate receiving them from her husband of 30 years.
posted by 26.2 at 4:46 PM on June 13, 2013 [3 favorites]

You just described my relationship with my husband. Trust me, if it was too much, she would TELL you. You are wired to be that way, and so is Ralph. Just relax and be grateful you have such a great longlasting relationship! Trust me, your wife is the envy of all her female friends. I surely am the envy of mine ;-)
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 5:01 PM on June 13, 2013

I'm as enamored by your description of your relationship as everyone else here, and totally agree that since your wife doesn't mind it, you should keep on keepin' on -- she's a very lucky gal, and it sounds like you're a very lucky, happy guy.

But it also occurs to me to wonder why, after so many years, this has suddenly become a pressing enough concern for you that you feel the need to ask us about it.

Is it possible that you're not feeling loved enough? Is it possible that part of you is contemplating how to cut back your affection in order to provoke a demonstration from her of how much she values you?

I may be way off base! But if there is some unstated, underlying cause for this sudden concern, you should try to get clear on that with yourself, so you can address it more directly.
posted by artemisia at 5:37 PM on June 13, 2013 [9 favorites]

nthing the love language bit. Touch is probably your main one. It sounds like you give her her love language too. Does she give you enough of yours? not sure!
posted by Jacen at 6:24 PM on June 13, 2013

People all over the world are searching for what you have. Lordy, Mister, keep doing what you've been doing!
posted by aryma at 7:46 PM on June 13, 2013 [1 favorite]

I am also a very quiet and reserved female. And there isn't anything I love more than being randomly hugged and complimented. It makes me feel so loved.

And I understand how she does behave that way as well. But take a look at what she does do for you. Her method of expressing love is very different from your own.

I highly recommend the both of you read The Five Love Languages, and then sit down and discuss it. You will be opening a bright new chapter in your life of love together.
posted by squirbel at 8:16 PM on June 13, 2013

Nthing don't dial it back at all.

I'm wondering why you're thinking you should.

Is it because you don't feel like you're getting enough from her? In that case, you need to talk about that with her. I know some people can unconsciously have a passive-aggressive reaction to being neglected, even in the slightest, and withdraw themselves. It's not a solution that works. If this is the case, I'd suggest reading a book called "Attached - the science of adult attachment" - you might recognise a few things there.

A lot of people have different levels of doing activity x. Maybe one person talks a lot more than the other. Maybe one person initiates sex more than the other. It doesn't mean there's a problem, or that anyone should change what they're doing!

A non relationship analogous situation: I'm terrible at asking people to do things, like say, organising a birthday. I get invited to lots of other people's events, and almost never invite people to anything myself. It 100% doesn't mean I don't want to go. It just means I dislike organising.

Just like I'm terrible at complementing people, and it just doesn't come to my mind to do so. I still love being told that kind of thing from my SO!

About the only situation where I'd even think in the slightest you should was if she'd never, ever mentioned that she disliked anything, ever, that you'd done. AND every single thing you've ever done for her is always described in the same way and there's reason to doubt it's truthful. Like, you cook her least favorite food, burned, with salt instead of sugar and she says it's delicious.

Especially after 30 years. I hope I'm as lucky.
posted by Ashlyth at 4:15 AM on June 14, 2013

It's like that for us too, sometimes - difference is, we've been together about two years.

It's not so much that I dial it back as I have a careful hand on the throttle - I can sense when she just doesn't have the emotional bandwidth to deal with me that way, and that's really okay. It took me a while to not take that as a rejection - it's something she really does love, but as indicated by others in this thread, my insecure feelings had more to do with me than with her.

I haven't read the love languages book, but I'll nth that they exist, and we've learned to recognize each other's dialects, so to speak.
posted by Thistledown at 4:17 AM on June 14, 2013

My partner is super affectionate and I am most assuredly not. But after 10 years I am not only used to it but also far more physically affectionate than I used to be. If he stopped, I would be worried because I know that's how he shows affection - yes, sometimes, I get annoyed at the hugging and the petting and whatnot, but I am used to it and comfortable saying "get offa me you great lug" when I need a little more space.

If he asked this question I would be a little perturbed because, dude, seriously, you've already asked me and I gave you my answer but internet strangers will know better? What is that even?

So no, don't dial it back, unless she asks, and respond to non-verbal cues like pulling back, like turning away and so on.
posted by geek anachronism at 4:36 AM on June 14, 2013

I forgot to address one thing. Sometimes my husband feels funny that he is so darn mushy. Is it possible that you are semiconsciously feeling less of a man because you feel that way? If so, flush that thought!
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 6:36 AM on June 14, 2013

Whoa! look at all these answers!

Which I mention, because I didn't read any of them; so if you've already heard this or it's already been addressed upthread, my apologies.

If this wall of insightful advice you're reading doesn't do the trick for you, you might try asking your wife how she feels about your affectionate-ness at a time when you aren't "there", i.e. feeling a full-on *Puppy Love Season*. If you are still concerned that she might be telling you what she thinks you want to hear while you're "in the moment", she may feel less afraid to be honest when she's less able to hurt those feelings, simply because they aren't so present in you.

Until then, watch some Addams Family! ^.^ Take inspiration from Gomez in his confident, willful, and single-minded adoration of Morticia. The Cosby Show has a little of this as well, if you run out of episodes or Youtube clips of the former.
posted by Poppa Bear at 7:31 AM on June 14, 2013

I am much less physically affectionate with my partner than my partner is with me. Occasionally I am even annoyed by the attention--some activities are just not sexy to me. And I know I don't reciprocate in kind.

But such demonstrations are a lovely antidote to passing jealousies, and console me in dark moments. I would never want my partner to stop appreciating me--that's the beginning of the end! It is good the way it is and I hope to be you in twenty years.

Trust her.
posted by epanalepsis at 7:55 AM on June 14, 2013 [1 favorite]

There are a bunch of right answers above this one. I just wanted to chime in and say that it seems like (and this had been touched on) your disconnect is less about what you do and maybe more about how your wife reacts to what you do that is triggering "omg what if i'm doing this way way too much" thing in your brain.

This is totally worth having a lighthearted conversation with her about. "Honey you know I love touching you and hugging you and stuff, and I don't typically need reassurance that you're into it, but sometimes it would be extra awesome if you'd [do xyz that feels right] to let me know that me [hugging/kissing/squeezing your butt] is something you're digging in the moment, and also to let me know if i'm crowding you so i can adujst. Love ya mean it!"
posted by softlord at 8:45 AM on June 14, 2013

Talk with a therapist about why you have the constant idea that you are bothering your wife with your affections, when every logical piece of evidence you wrote points in the opposite direction.

The problem is not with your wife nor your marriage (happily!!!!); it's with your damaging, doubting self-talk.
posted by IAmBroom at 7:40 PM on June 16, 2013

www.marriedmansexlife.com
Become Athol Kay and thou shalt not ask questions like this again :-)
posted by lotusmish at 10:28 AM on June 17, 2013