Who keeps the friends after a breakup?
June 12, 2013 2:41 PM Subscribe
Is it fair to a girl I was semi-casually dating if I continue attending her church after we broke up?
I moved to a new city 6 months ago. Shortly thereafter I started dating a girl. We broke up without much drama 5 months later. She was one of the first people I knew in town. She invited me to her church. I went a few times. I made some friends there. I would like to continue going to the church because I enjoy the atmosphere and the friends I made there are some of my only friends in town. I don't want to make my ex feel awkward though. It was her church community first. What to do? Most of the friends I made are guys. None are close friends of my ex. Still, it feels like she has dibs on the church and community. Does she?
I moved to a new city 6 months ago. Shortly thereafter I started dating a girl. We broke up without much drama 5 months later. She was one of the first people I knew in town. She invited me to her church. I went a few times. I made some friends there. I would like to continue going to the church because I enjoy the atmosphere and the friends I made there are some of my only friends in town. I don't want to make my ex feel awkward though. It was her church community first. What to do? Most of the friends I made are guys. None are close friends of my ex. Still, it feels like she has dibs on the church and community. Does she?
FWIW, I am a pastor. Can you MeMail me? I've helped others with this.
posted by 4ster at 2:45 PM on June 12, 2013 [8 favorites]
posted by 4ster at 2:45 PM on June 12, 2013 [8 favorites]
Ask her.
posted by dubold at 2:48 PM on June 12, 2013 [9 favorites]
posted by dubold at 2:48 PM on June 12, 2013 [9 favorites]
It's congregation-specific, and there's no good silver-bullet answer to your question.
I can tell you that when my parents divorced, a Youth Group Leader father who'd literally built parts of the church and a Deacon mother who sang in the choir, it was my father who elected to find another church. My mother got the church along with the kids.
posted by carsonb at 2:49 PM on June 12, 2013
I can tell you that when my parents divorced, a Youth Group Leader father who'd literally built parts of the church and a Deacon mother who sang in the choir, it was my father who elected to find another church. My mother got the church along with the kids.
posted by carsonb at 2:49 PM on June 12, 2013
The only time I've ever known someone to leave his church because of a breakup, it was because he was married, he and his wife both had prominent roles in the church, and so did his new girlfriend.
If the two of you are just in the congregation? Keep going. All my friends dated and broke up with people within the church as young people, and none of them left over it.
posted by jacalata at 2:51 PM on June 12, 2013 [3 favorites]
If the two of you are just in the congregation? Keep going. All my friends dated and broke up with people within the church as young people, and none of them left over it.
posted by jacalata at 2:51 PM on June 12, 2013 [3 favorites]
The way i deal with these situations is by asking the question "How plausibly deniable is your reason to be there?". At her friends party, the explanation would rate about a 1. And by deniability here what i'm saying is how easily could you defend your presence without it seeming like you were just going out of spite or ignoring boundaries.
I'd say "An important class at college" would be a 10, right up there with "Optional, but work related conference/convention". I'd say as far as deniability goes, church is about a 9.
It's good that your paying attention to this as some people are clueless or even malicious, but i'd say your completely in the clear here.
posted by emptythought at 2:56 PM on June 12, 2013
I'd say "An important class at college" would be a 10, right up there with "Optional, but work related conference/convention". I'd say as far as deniability goes, church is about a 9.
It's good that your paying attention to this as some people are clueless or even malicious, but i'd say your completely in the clear here.
posted by emptythought at 2:56 PM on June 12, 2013
Assuming that your breakup was reasonably amicable and not a screaming public scene with threats and tears, I can think of no reason for you to drop a pleasant affiliation.
posted by Cranberry at 3:10 PM on June 12, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by Cranberry at 3:10 PM on June 12, 2013 [2 favorites]
It doesn't sound like you actually want to go to her church because you are interested in church (i.e., "I enjoy the atmosphere and the friends I made there" rather than "it's the only Lutheran church in town"). If you're just going to see your friends, I'd just make separate plans to see them outside of church.
posted by Admiral Haddock at 3:10 PM on June 12, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by Admiral Haddock at 3:10 PM on June 12, 2013 [3 favorites]
Yeah. If you're not religious about it, don't go to her church. Find another way to hook up with these aquaintances.
posted by jbenben at 3:18 PM on June 12, 2013 [4 favorites]
posted by jbenben at 3:18 PM on June 12, 2013 [4 favorites]
You dated a short time and broke up without a big fuss; this shouldn't be a Big Deal. Just go. When you see her, say "hi" and keep on hanging out with others.
posted by randomkeystrike at 3:27 PM on June 12, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by randomkeystrike at 3:27 PM on June 12, 2013 [1 favorite]
You said it was a drama free breakup of a short term relationship. Why don't you ask her?
posted by saucysault at 3:39 PM on June 12, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by saucysault at 3:39 PM on June 12, 2013 [2 favorites]
For church-goers, church-going generally trumps personal affairs. That is precisely the point of church, to help us deal with the earthly concerns that trouble us and make us better people for it.
posted by nanook at 3:44 PM on June 12, 2013 [4 favorites]
posted by nanook at 3:44 PM on June 12, 2013 [4 favorites]
How big is the church? If it there are 75 people in the congregation it's pretty different than if there are 1500.
posted by mskyle at 3:46 PM on June 12, 2013
posted by mskyle at 3:46 PM on June 12, 2013
How drama-free was the breakup really if you are concerned about seeing her in church five months after the fact? Breaking up with someone does not mean you have to exile yourself or pick up and move to a new town and assume a new identity.
If you are that concerned about her or your reaction send a friendly little email saying you will be attending church, you hope to see her there, and if she would like to say hello she is free to do so. That way you prepare her to see you and put the social interaction ball in her court. She is then free to ignore you or chat as she pleases.
posted by munchingzombie at 3:48 PM on June 12, 2013 [2 favorites]
If you are that concerned about her or your reaction send a friendly little email saying you will be attending church, you hope to see her there, and if she would like to say hello she is free to do so. That way you prepare her to see you and put the social interaction ball in her court. She is then free to ignore you or chat as she pleases.
posted by munchingzombie at 3:48 PM on June 12, 2013 [2 favorites]
Hey Ex-, I really like the church you introduced me to. Would it be awkward if I keep attending?
posted by theora55 at 3:53 PM on June 12, 2013 [6 favorites]
posted by theora55 at 3:53 PM on June 12, 2013 [6 favorites]
A church is a public place, open to all. Why in the name of God (see what I did there?) wouldn't you be free to attend? Are you going to avoid the park you went to with her? A bar? The movie theater? Going and attending in a respectful way, saying hi to her, but not bugging her by ogling over the seats or expecting her to interact with her, is all to the good. If you really want to know if it's OK to attend that church, ask the pastor. But I know what he/she will say.
posted by BlueHorse at 3:59 PM on June 12, 2013
posted by BlueHorse at 3:59 PM on June 12, 2013
It doesn't sound like you actually want to go to her church because you are interested in church (i.e., "I enjoy the atmosphere and the friends I made there" rather than "it's the only Lutheran church in town").
But the community is as much a part of the church experience as the readings/practices. It can be surprisingly hard to find a congregation you like. Don't assume it'll be the same kind of community at another church.
Talk to your ex.
posted by barnone at 4:07 PM on June 12, 2013
But the community is as much a part of the church experience as the readings/practices. It can be surprisingly hard to find a congregation you like. Don't assume it'll be the same kind of community at another church.
Talk to your ex.
posted by barnone at 4:07 PM on June 12, 2013
I know the problem from the Orthodox (Jewish) side. It's a problem. But I say take it one week/event/etc. at a time. Especially if your friends are not close to HER. You're in a new town. You've got to take care of your own need for fellowship, too. Do you have a really good reason (I'm not asking you to divulge it here) why you KNOW it would upset her? If not, go ahead and go.
posted by skbw at 4:36 PM on June 12, 2013
posted by skbw at 4:36 PM on June 12, 2013
I went a few times.
over the course of dating her for 5 months? And you only went because she invited you to go with her?
Have you ever actually gone without her, or without her inviting you (just ran into her there, went on a week when she didn't, didn't check whether or not she was going before deciding that you were going to go)?
If no - you have not really adopted this church or joined the congregation or made a habit of going that is your own. I know it's hard to make new friends in a city, and church is a great way to do it. But you could go to a different church.
If yes - you've been going without her, when she doesn't go, on your own without consulting to see if she's going, "a few times" means at least 10 times (2x a month for 5 months) - then sure, keep going.
posted by amaire at 4:38 PM on June 12, 2013 [3 favorites]
over the course of dating her for 5 months? And you only went because she invited you to go with her?
Have you ever actually gone without her, or without her inviting you (just ran into her there, went on a week when she didn't, didn't check whether or not she was going before deciding that you were going to go)?
If no - you have not really adopted this church or joined the congregation or made a habit of going that is your own. I know it's hard to make new friends in a city, and church is a great way to do it. But you could go to a different church.
If yes - you've been going without her, when she doesn't go, on your own without consulting to see if she's going, "a few times" means at least 10 times (2x a month for 5 months) - then sure, keep going.
posted by amaire at 4:38 PM on June 12, 2013 [3 favorites]
I went a few times...... the friends I made there are some of my only friends in town.
Find another church. Not because of the girl but because you just got to this town. You're not head-over-heels in love with this church, and there are others. You are still new in town, get out there and check out a half-dozen other churches, meet people, get out there. Don't settle.
posted by headnsouth at 4:40 PM on June 12, 2013 [1 favorite]
Find another church. Not because of the girl but because you just got to this town. You're not head-over-heels in love with this church, and there are others. You are still new in town, get out there and check out a half-dozen other churches, meet people, get out there. Don't settle.
posted by headnsouth at 4:40 PM on June 12, 2013 [1 favorite]
Why don't you just ask her? Send her an email, saying just what you said here: you would like to continue going to the church because you enjoy the atmosphere and the friends you made there, but you don't want her to feel awkward.
I can seeing people leaving a church after divorce, not necessarily after casual dating. Denomination and size of the congregation would be additional factors, but I think the gracious thing to do would be to ask her, and follow her wishes.
posted by ambrosia at 4:42 PM on June 12, 2013
I can seeing people leaving a church after divorce, not necessarily after casual dating. Denomination and size of the congregation would be additional factors, but I think the gracious thing to do would be to ask her, and follow her wishes.
posted by ambrosia at 4:42 PM on June 12, 2013
just ask her. my guess is she'll be gracious about it and won't mind. of course it is a lot easier if the church is 500 people as opposed to 50 where you would see each other all the time.
posted by wildflower at 6:15 PM on June 12, 2013
posted by wildflower at 6:15 PM on June 12, 2013
I'm going to go against the grain: Go ahead, stay at the church. Life's too short to allow any one person to determine where you will or won't hang out socially.
If it's the church where she introduced you, so be it. You don't have to ask. It's a church, not her house. Are you going to avoid any place she introduce you to, including the local bar and grocery store?
posted by mcav at 7:04 PM on June 12, 2013
If it's the church where she introduced you, so be it. You don't have to ask. It's a church, not her house. Are you going to avoid any place she introduce you to, including the local bar and grocery store?
posted by mcav at 7:04 PM on June 12, 2013
What kind of connection do you guys have now? Did she say she needed space for a bit or are you guys in touch? If she needs space I think it would be nice of you not to show up at her church, even though of course you are free to do so.
posted by needs more cowbell at 8:07 PM on June 12, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by needs more cowbell at 8:07 PM on June 12, 2013 [1 favorite]
Ask her.
Ask her, ask her, ask her.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 9:46 PM on June 12, 2013 [1 favorite]
Ask her, ask her, ask her.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 9:46 PM on June 12, 2013 [1 favorite]
just ask her. my guess is she'll be gracious about it and won't mind.
I dunno, the problem with asking her as many people have suggested is that being gracious and not minding are not necessarily the same thing, and asking her puts her in a position where she can't really say no without looking like a jerk. I think this needs to be a personal judgment call based on the congregation size, how attached you really are to this church, etc.
posted by naoko at 4:02 PM on June 13, 2013 [1 favorite]
I dunno, the problem with asking her as many people have suggested is that being gracious and not minding are not necessarily the same thing, and asking her puts her in a position where she can't really say no without looking like a jerk. I think this needs to be a personal judgment call based on the congregation size, how attached you really are to this church, etc.
posted by naoko at 4:02 PM on June 13, 2013 [1 favorite]
Do whatever you want. If you're happy there, stay. If you think it'd be too awk with her around, leave.
posted by lotusmish at 10:30 AM on June 17, 2013
posted by lotusmish at 10:30 AM on June 17, 2013
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Jahaza at 2:42 PM on June 12, 2013