Helping a victim of physical abuse

June 11, 2013 6:53 AM

A friend (who is 30) of my wife, who lives in Chicago, is being physically abused. We have offered her a place to stay at our home in East TN. As of right now, she seems to want to take us up on that offer. Unfortunately, she and I have never really got along in the past. Assuming she does come to stay with us, how can we best be supportive?

Apologies in advance... I writing this on my phone.

We suspect her abuser is her brother. She didn't say who did it, but she isn't seeing anyone right now, and her brothers have been violent before (though not towards family), and family relations are strained. Since she refused to call the police, my wife and I are sure it wasn't a random person. She's been assulted before by someone, but called the police in that instance. She also feels that she can't trust her family right now.

She called my wife last night telling her that she had been choked and asked if she should go to the hospital (my wife is a doctor). She ended up not needing to, but my wife told her that she doesn't need to live in that kind of environment, and suggested coming to our home to get away from her family for a while. I 100% agree with my wife on this.

My wife and I would like some advice on the following questions:

1. What is the best way to help her seek professional help. How do we know what kind of professional help to seek?

2. Her younger sister (whom she does trust) is going to bring her down half way (probably Louisville KY) where I will pick her up and bring her the rest of the way (we offered her a plane ticket, but she doesn't fly well). We have never really gotten along well. I know not to broach the subject, but if she does bring it up, how do I respond in a suppotive manner? If she doesn't bring it up, how do I approach having a regular conversation without triggers?

posted by Groundhog Week to Human Relations (13 answers total)

In what way have you two not gotten along in the past?
posted by Omnomnom at 7:03 AM on June 11, 2013 [2 favorites]

You and your wife should call your local domestic abuse hotline and discuss this situation with them. They'll have resources and advice for you.

While this is a wonderful thing you're doing to help her get out of her situation, at some point she's going to need to stand up on her own two feet and deal with her issues.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 7:05 AM on June 11, 2013

National Domestic Abuse Hotline: 1−800−799−SAFE (7233)

"Hotline Services Include:

- Crisis intervention, safety planning, information about domestic violence and referrals to local service providers
- Direct connection to domestic violence resources available in the caller’s area provided by a Hotline advocate
- Informational materials on such topics as domestic violence, sexual assault, battering intervention and prevention programs, working through the criminal justice system and related issues"
posted by Mr.Know-it-some at 7:06 AM on June 11, 2013

1. She should call your local hotline for survivors of domestic violence or its national equivalent at 1−800−799−SAFE(7233) (website here). She might also find useful your state's Office of Victims Advocacy, which appears to be a branch of the Attorney General's office. Since what happened to her took place in another state, the AG is without jurisdiction and therefore unable to bring charges (which is good since she is reticent to report to the police), but the OVA will probably be able to point her in the direction of counseling or other resources that she may need.

2. In terms of getting along with a person who is a victim of violence, do your best to provide a safe space in which you are not pressuring her to share more than she wants to share, and to believe her if she decides to disclose to you. That means not making excuses for her offender or trying to vocalize things from his/her point of view. ("I'm sure they just meant to do x. I can't believe they would really want to hurt you. &c &c") Even if you privately have doubts about this woman's story, what she is telling you is probably the truth as she sees it. Honor her truth and whatever trust she puts in you. Set your own boundaries as well: if she asks you to hold things in confidence, consider whether you will be able to do that or not and let her know. As far as triggering language, maybe stay away from topics like sibling rivalry, domestic violence, &c., but otherwise you can't know what to avoid. Be sensitive to what's happening in the moment, rather than coming up with a list of things to avoid. Maybe stay away from topics that make you angry, since being trapped in the presence of an angry man might be a trigger for her.

Be kind to her and to yourself. You are all doing a hard thing.
posted by gauche at 7:11 AM on June 11, 2013

We have never really gotten along well.

Based on the thoughtfulness and consideration you express in your question, I suspect you might be surprised at how well you're able to set aside whatever friction has existed in the past—and may exist again in the future—during her time of need. Surely you've heard stories: Two drivers are angrily honking and gesturing at each other on the road, then one crashes, and immediately the other driver stops and dials 911 and helps. Most people have remarkable capacity to set aside differences in those moments when what's most important is that we're all human.

Granted, this capacity is emotional and triggered in emergencies. The longer this person is a guest in your home, the more this effect will wane. After two weeks all bets are off, and you may indeed feel yourself driven nuts by her dirty dishes.

I know not to broach the subject, but if she does bring it up, how do I respond in a suppotive manner?

She may feel obligated to, irrespective of anything you do, since it's the reason she is imposing on you. You can make gently clear that you are available to listen if she wants to talk, maybe even that you are naturally curious, but also that nobody is expecting she'll explain her situation to you as part of her "deal" for staying with you. You're willing to help, but in the meantime she's simply a guest in your home and the why isn't a condition of anything.
posted by cribcage at 7:18 AM on June 11, 2013 [4 favorites]

If you're anxious about the drive, bring an audiobook, something cheerful and nonthreatening, maybe even a YA/teen novel. (just be sure to check through the reviews/plot for trigger warnings; even something "innocuous" like Harry Potter starts with a summer full of abuse)

Otherwise, don't feel like you have to talk a lot. Bring some music, let her be in charge of the iPod if she wants but don't "make her choose" if she doesn't show interest. If things seem awkward, make conversation, but don't panic just because things are quiet; perhaps she hasn't had a lot of quiet lately. Assume that staring out the window and not talking about stuff might be exactly what she needs/wants to do. She's looking forward to arriving and being able to talk to her friend (your wife) and you're a facilitator more than you are a participant, which isn't a bad thing. At some point, you'll have the conversation where the two of you acknowledge the situation - she apologizes for needing your generosity, you tell her it's no trouble and you sincerely hope things get better and you're just happy you can do something to help, and your wife can't wait to see her. And then, unless she really wants to talk about it to you (which seems unlikely), you move on. You can tell her stories of what your wife's been doing, what the thing is that she's busy with that she couldn't ocme on the drive with you, or whatever. If you've got an ongoing project you're happy chatting about, that's great; it doesn't even really matter if you come across as being Mr.WontShutUpAboutHomebrewing, you've successfully "made conversation" and not offended anybody.
posted by aimedwander at 7:24 AM on June 11, 2013 [2 favorites]

Focus on her, not the abuser (whoever it might be). I give this advice for people coming out of breakups, but it stands equally well if not more so here.

Saying things like, "He's such an asshole" or even the well-meaning "You deserve to be treated better" (which, hello, is 100% true) can lead to her having this feedback loop in her head that says, "If he's such a turd, why did I put up with it for so long? What does that say about me for not being strong enough to change?"

So focus on her and what she can do, has done, and hopefully will do (in whatever increments she feels comfortable moving forward). "You're strong. You've already taken some great steps to move forward. Look how far you've come. I know it was hard, and it still is, but I admire you so much."

The other things is that in both situations (her connection with her abuser and her relationship with you, which may or may not be that great) it probably helps a lot to focus on the behavior instead of the person. People are so complex; memories of good times (however fleeting) always threaten to override the awful moments that seemed like they'd never end, and vice versa. But isolating a behavior can really help get perspective. "I know you have a lot of complex feelings about Joe, but hitting someone is really not okay."

And that can apply to you, too: "I know we haven't always gotten along, but you're a friend to our family, and we help our friends."
posted by Madamina at 7:25 AM on June 11, 2013 [3 favorites]

Here's a link with some east Tennessee resources. One of these places should be able to provide you with lists of support groups and therapists. For a lot of victims support groups can be really good because it is comforting to discover that you're not the only one who has gone through this, you're not a jerk/loser. Other people find that having to listen to everyone's stories is too stressful.

Offer her a variety of options and transportation. She may just want to chill for a while, enjoy being in a safe place. Go for walks in beautiful places. Don't push her. Give her a safe place, food, books, movies.

Set aside any differences, avoid any kind of judgement, avoid offering advice. Help her to feel as comfortable as possible, even if that means staying out of her way. She may have some issues dealing with men in general, issues that have nothing to do with you specifically. Be sensitive to that possibility.
posted by mareli at 7:28 AM on June 11, 2013

It's worth noting that a fair number of domestic violence organizations deal only with intimate partner violence, not violence among non-romantic partners. The national hotline and local organizations might be able to direct you to appropriate resources, but don't be surprised if they themselves are not the appropriate place for information or help for her.

They will likely be helpful for you, however, in terms of helping you figure out how to deal with her as an abuse survivor.
posted by jaguar at 10:16 AM on June 11, 2013

It might help if you recognize that some of the friction between the two of you may stem from her experience of abusive relationships with another man.
posted by Good Brain at 11:45 AM on June 11, 2013 [1 favorite]

Physical distance may help you both. Be kind, open, willing to talk, and have on hand large doses of patience and forgiveness for any tension or friction you feel she may be generating.

Beyond that, make sure you take time to get out by yourself and with your wife--go for walks, get a coffee, retire to the next room with the computer or a book. (best to leave the premises and do something at least mildly active.) Encourage her to do the same. Don't feel you have to sit for hours with her.

Your wife will most likely be encouraging her into therapy or having her start to position herself for a new life/job/set of friends.
posted by BlueHorse at 1:27 PM on June 11, 2013

Here's a red flag: she isn't interested in naming her abuser; she didn't go to the hospital to get her injuries documented. This is where what she needs to do and what she decides to do becomes separate issues.

You don't have to close the personal distance between you and her. Follow your wife's lead. Be courteous but don't automatically assume that you will be included in intimate discussions. You may even want to avoid being present when she and your wife talk about what to do.

Your willingness to help is your asset, and now it's hers if she wishes to take advantage of your kindness. The key here is that she's your wife's friend, and you are the willing accomplice in providing her with shelter and support. It may turn out that you are just another piece of the furniture. I can imagine a scenario where, the more in the background you are, the easier it will be for her to regain a sense of order, or calm, so that she can figure out how to deal with this.

I suspect that, after she's with you folks for a little while, your relationship with her will change a bit. Right now you can't predict how that will work. At some point decisions will be made, and you should be prepared to accept them, even if you find them disagreeable.

(My thought about this centers around a similar experience my wife and I had with an abused friend. No cops, no doctors--she refused this, and after her bruises were healed she went back to the abuser. We asked for some advice from a police officer friend, and he pointed out that we couldn't file any complaints on her behalf. We had to sadly accept her decision.)
posted by mule98J at 2:15 PM on June 11, 2013

How kind of you! Some thoughts...

- domestic violence services usually only deal with abuse within intimate relationships, they may refer you to the police
- a therapist *who specialises in abuse* may be your best bet in terms of getting her into support
- hearing a man explicitly state (more than once) that abuse from a man is unacceptable can be significant - you sound kind and supportive, I'm sure that will be appreciated
- sooner or later put a time limit on the stay, help her find another safe place
posted by inkypinky at 6:59 AM on June 12, 2013