How to deal with a touchy waiter and a young girl?

June 11, 2013 12:04 AM

When I go to restaurants with my kid (7 yeal old girl) there is frequently touching that makes her (and me) uncomfortable. This mostly happens at Indian places, and I suspect there is some kind of cultural norm at work. The touching consists of things like 'back of finger on cheek', maybe some kind of weird 'pull the quarter from the ear' magic trick and the like. I do not want to make a scene or offend the waiter, but at the same time I feel this is an important time for kiddo to learn to establish and enforce boundaries about what she is okay with and what she is not okay with. We stopped visiting 2 places where this was recurring, but it happens at new places as well. Suggestions?
posted by H. Roark to Society & Culture (43 answers total)

The first thing to change is placement. Table along a wall. Kids inside, grown ups outside. They won't go reach across you in order to get a quarter out of your daughter's ear.

Otherwise, I guess it's your daughter being offended against the waiter being offended - what matters most to you? Speak up: politely but firmly.
posted by Namlit at 12:22 AM on June 11, 2013 [4 favorites]

I do not want to make a scene or offend the waiter, but at the same time I feel this is an important time for kiddo to learn to establish and enforce boundaries about what she is okay with and what she is not okay with.

You want her to do something you're not willing to do, which is make a fuss. She knows where her boundaries are, and she is counting on you to enforce them in this instance.

I think it would be simplest to give up on Indian restaurants for a few years.
posted by sebastienbailard at 12:23 AM on June 11, 2013 [20 favorites]

I feel this is an important time for kiddo to learn to establish and enforce boundaries about what she is okay with and what she is not okay with.

I don't know that this is realistic right now. I mean yes, you need to teach her to define and feel comfortable about her boundaries. But at 7, she is going to need you to enforce them for her a great deal of the time. Particularly against other adults. This is one of many reasons why we need to supervise children at that age. My mom said this a lot: "It's not you that I don't trust, it's the other people I don't trust." Children are not great at sticking up for themselves.

I am not saying you are going to do something this extreme but just to give an example. If every time she sets a boundary you are going to force her into a scary confrontation where she has to offend/upset an adult, then this may completely backfire on you as her defense might be to pretend she doesn't have that boundary. "No dad it's okay, I don't mind if he touches me." She may actually learn the lesson that if you just let people touch you with the social niceties that they want, you don't need to get into scary confrontations. Not what you want to do here.

Just something to think about. Tread carefully. Talk to her about her boundaries but I think it's equally important that you make certain that the way you guys come up with to enforce them is something she's 100% comfortable with.
posted by cairdeas at 12:31 AM on June 11, 2013 [16 favorites]

You really need to step up here and show her that her own comfort is more important than anything else.

"Please don't do that" is a good start.
posted by heyjude at 12:35 AM on June 11, 2013 [6 favorites]

From a different angle, I think it can be important to teach her to differentiate between appropriate social niceties and inappropriate ones. A pat on the head from a waiter might be in 'shrug and accept it' category, while repeated demands for her to smile and give him a hug might not be. We all have to make small compromises in order to get along in society, but sometimes have trouble not letting the small compromises turn in to bigger ones. I think that's something you can model - how do you indicate to someone that a line has been crossed, politely and respectfully, and how do you stand your ground after that?

I think that modeling is very important. We all have thoughts sometimes that if you speak up for yourself you're being irrational or over-sensitive. So I would want to show her that you can stand your ground, on her behalf and on your own, without appearing irrational or extreme - and if you can do it then she can too.
posted by Lady Li at 1:09 AM on June 11, 2013 [3 favorites]

Children are not great at sticking up for themselves.

You really need to step up here and show her that her own comfort is more important than anything else.

Correct-a-mundo.

I do not want to make a scene or offend the waiter

This is a lame excuse. What do you care if you offend the waiter? Isn't it most important to show your daughter that you will stand up for her? And to show her how to stand up for herself? Touching is a important boundary for a child to be able to draw - and enforce - themselves. It helps, I think, if you show how it's done.

We all have to make small compromises in order to get along in society

"Hey, I don't mean to be rude, but you touch my kid again and I'll break your finger."
posted by three blind mice at 1:22 AM on June 11, 2013 [3 favorites]

I would find an Indian restaurant you really like and if this happens I'd have a word with the waiter in question privately. Just something like "Hey, I know you're just being friendly to my girl but the touching bit is not something either of us are comfortable with." I'd also tell your daughter you've done it, and why she doesn't have to put up with attention she doesn't want, but if this is fairly low-level stuff as you describe I wouldn't embarrass the waiter (and very possibly your daughter) by making the initial request in front of her.

"Hey, I don't mean to be rude, but you touch my kid again and I'll break your finger."
posted by three blind mice at 9:22 AM on June 11

Come on. From the OP's description it seems the unwanted attention is not malicious or threatening. If we're talking about setting examples for a kid do you really think threats of violence in response to such behaviour is a good one?
posted by Decani at 1:27 AM on June 11, 2013 [35 favorites]

I would assume the touch on the face is admiration for a pretty child.
posted by Cranberry at 1:30 AM on June 11, 2013 [3 favorites]

I've experienced something similar. Different cultures have different expectations about contact with chidren, and I think it's meant to be complimentary - sort of like saying "Oh, what a lovely baby!" So I think making a scene would be counter-productive and not really teach either your daughter or the waiter anything positive.

I told my son to say "Please don't touch me." if someone does that and he doesn't like it. It's important to back the kid up when they say something like that, and not in an apologetic "Kids! what can you do?" sort of way. I have told overly friendly strangers "He's not used to someone he doesn't know trying to hug him." and while I felt bad for the seemingly nice old lady, my primary responsibility is making sure my kids know I am on their side and want their boundaries respected.
posted by dubold at 1:37 AM on June 11, 2013 [7 favorites]

Personally I think it's a sad reflection of society that adults may not show affection to children they do not know. Children are cute and lovely and social interaction with adults, even strangers, is (should) be a positive thing.

Each to their own though. We bring up our children differently and I'm not saying anyones wrong or right.

If it were me and I was uncomfortable with a situation involving my daughter I would simply come out and say it... "sorry, I know you are only being friendly but we bring up our child in a way this makes her feel uncomfortable, would you mind just not touching her!". You may come across as rude (which it probably is to the waiter) but at least you won't have to endure it again.
posted by twistedonion at 1:49 AM on June 11, 2013 [13 favorites]

I feel this is an important time for kiddo to learn to establish and enforce boundaries about what she is okay with and what she is not okay with.

Well, she's established the boundaries: by telling you. Since you're her parent, and you're right there when it's happening, and she's only 7, I think the enforcement is on you.

Personally, I'd explain to my kid about different levels of touching in different cultures, that this is normal to them, and that they mean to be friendly.

If she was still bothered, I'd address it in the most drama-free possible way, the next time it happened: 'Oh, sorry, but she doesn't like being touched', with perhaps a vague motion at physically shielding her.
posted by Salamander at 2:10 AM on June 11, 2013 [12 favorites]

I'd take kind of the opposite approach. I'd treat this as an exercise in helping my child (not to mention myself) learn about different cultures, and how boundaries vary across cultures and generations, and how sometimes our own discomfort is just a reflection of our own biases, rather than an indication of an intent to invade one's space.

How I'd deal with this? I'd probably start by asking myself honestly whether the discomfort was a big deal and whether I was perhaps acting in a way that might be skewing my child's perspective to conform to my own anxieties. And anyway, coping with little things like this is part of life; we can't always avoid things that impinge a little on our boundaries.

Ultimately these people are doing the best they can to be friendly; they're treating your child as they would treat the child of a family member. That's intended as a compliment, so if you have to go down the "please don't touch my child" path, do so gently.
posted by pipeski at 2:36 AM on June 11, 2013 [49 favorites]

I think that you need to speak up. Your daughter does need to learn to set her own boundaries, but at this age the best way to help her do that it buy showing her the behavior to model.

Yes, this is likely culture based and certainly not malicious. However, I would be wary of giving her the message that touching her in a way that makes her uncomfortable is something that she should just accept in any circumstance. Yes, there are annoyances we have to put up with but I don't think that being touched and made uncomfortable by someone who is in a position of power (i.e. he is an adult and she is a child) is one of them.
posted by Laura_J at 3:01 AM on June 11, 2013 [6 favorites]

It's entirely appropriate that you show your daughter that it's OK for her to say "I'm not OK with this", whether or not it's "socially acceptable" for said thing to happen. Your child being bothered by someone doing something like this is way more important than a waiter being upset. Please don't let your child grow up thinking that because something is done in another culture, that makes it automatically OK in every circumstance for it to be done to her, whether she likes it or not. Cultural norms are generally fine within that specific culture. I think it is for the waiters to realise that it's not generally considered OK to touch other people's children within the culture that they are operating in.

I have a relative who would always pinch my cheek or squeeze me or in some other fashion put their hands on me when I was a child. It took me having a major freak-out one time, which involved me hitting said relative and refusing to come out of my room when they visited for this to stop. My parents didn't do anything to help until I forced the issue. Said relative was just trying to be friendly, but it gave me the creeps.

This would be a great time for you to show your daughter that it's OK for her to stand up for herself and to show her how to do that. I quite like the Escalation approach.

Step 1] "Please don't do that, it makes her uncomfortable". This is polite and attempts to engage the person's better nature - who wants to upset a seven-year-old? Say it with a smile but make it clear.
Step 2] "Stop doing that! I've told you once already." Less polite but more forceful. Politeness is less useful at this point - you've already tried it and it didn't work. Step up to the bigger guns and show the waiter that you're serious.
Step 3] Simply leave. Preferably immediately. Make the point that you're leaving because they couldn't keep their hands away from your child and let your child know that you have her back no matter what.
posted by Solomon at 3:17 AM on June 11, 2013 [17 favorites]

You say that it makes your daughter uncomfortable, and I'm taking you at your word, but the rest of your question relates to how uncomfortable it makes you. Your daughter is seven, that's not too young to have a conversation with her about boundaries, using examples from your last restaurant experience. "Uncomfortable" for a seven-year-old can mean anything from she wants to cry/throw up when a stranger touches her, all the way to, she feels embarrassed because she knows strangers shouldn't be touching her but she likes positive attention so it's confusing.

If she wants it to stop, you can roleplay with some things to say that are unambiguous, like, "Please don't touch me again, I don't like it," or, "Don't do that." Help her practice saying it with a straight face, promise her that you'll always back her up, and that it's okay not to want to be touched, not just in restaurants, but anytime, with anyone.
posted by juniperesque at 4:52 AM on June 11, 2013 [3 favorites]

I was brought up to respect cultural differences so much that I never said anything when those differences put me in positions where I felt unsafe and where my personal boundaries were being violated.

Your daughter's needs to not be touched by strangers are paramount here. If you are uncomfortable taking a waiter aside to say, "I do not wish to make a scene, but do not touch my daughter again under any circumstances. It makes me and her uncomfortable", avoid the places where this occurs most, but know that it is your job to stand up for your daughter and show her how to advocate for herself. Please do not teach her to respect others so much that she grows up not knowing how to respect herself, as I did.
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 5:47 AM on June 11, 2013 [8 favorites]

Reading your question, I'm sort of wondering if this is really a boundary *she* has determined she is not okay with that kind of touching; or if you have.

In any event, you could be calm and slightly apologetic -- "I'm sorry but could you not do that?" You can't do nothing and still enforce boundaries, and you can't teach her how to enforce boundaries by remaining silent.
posted by J. Wilson at 6:19 AM on June 11, 2013

You can't do nothing and still enforce boundaries, and you can't teach her how to enforce boundaries by remaining silent.

Yep, this is a 'teachable moment' and you're the teacher. She's learning by watching you act. So act assertively and unapologetically, in front of her (what's with this advice to take the waiter aside and tell him in secret? there's nothing wrong with what the waiters are doing and there's nothing wrong with you not wanting them to do it. secrecy=shame)
posted by headnsouth at 6:32 AM on June 11, 2013 [7 favorites]

I agree that it's your job to enforce the boundary if your daughter's not up to it.

One slightly nicer/less confrontational way of doing that might be to say, "Do you mind not touching her? We're working on teaching her to set boundaries with personal space." Maybe emphasize that last bit with a little hand-framing motion if you think the waiter wouldn't know what you're talking about.

That approach has the advantage of making it clear that this is not about that particular waiter-- you don't think he means ill, and he hasn't done anything wrong-- or about your daughter's reaction to the waiter (so she doesn't feel guilty for making him feel bad). Instead, this is a rule-based parenting project that you happen to be doing right now, and you're politely asking the waiter's cooperation with it. Even other cultures, I'd imagine, would probably grok the basic idea of parents needing to teach their kids to be wary of bad touching from bad people.
posted by Bardolph at 6:34 AM on June 11, 2013 [4 favorites]

When I was a little kid and we would visit (a very large) extended family, I would have all of these adults who wanted to touch me or hug me and I just was not interested in that. My grandmother would get really offended and try and force me. Thank god my mother stepped in and told them that I get to choose who touches me even though it caused some tension. They got over it. I think this is a particularly important lesson for little girls -- they need to know that they get to choose who touches them.

So either avoid the adults who you know will try and touch your daughter until she can stick up for herself, or nip it in the bud when it happens. It doesn't matter if the other person is uncomfortable here--perhaps they should think about what they're doing and you know, not do it. Say something like, "My daughter is uncomfortable when adults she doesn't know try to touch her, please stop that," and then don't give it another thought.
posted by Kimberly at 6:38 AM on June 11, 2013 [7 favorites]

Does it bother your daughter? Have you talked to your daughter about why it bothers you? Part of what's going on here might be that in the culture you spend most time in, that much touching of a girl-child by a stranger is not-so-good, and you don't want her to get too comfortable with it, but at the same time, if you daughter thinks the Indian-restaurant waiters are nice and funny and completely non-bothersome, trying to set a boundary for her is going to be confusing.
Make sure she knows that if she thinks anybody's being icky, even if they seem to be nice and friendly and polite, she can always either ask them to stop, or burrow into your side like a shy kid and you'll ask them to stop. I do like Bardolph's suggestion of phrasing if you do end up saying something to the waiter.
posted by aimedwander at 6:40 AM on June 11, 2013 [1 favorite]

Maybe you could help her find a type of touch that she is comfortable with, and use that as a replacement for touching that she doesn't like.

When a waiter reaches for her cheek you could say, "She's really into giving high fives right now. Daughter'sName, show the waiter your high five!" If it works, you could transition to her suggesting the comfortable touch; she could stick out her hand and say, "Can we shake hands instead?" It gets her out of the touching that makes her uncomfortable, and gives her some control in the situation. Since she'll be interacting with the waiter, which is probably what he's trying to get her to do by touching her, he probably won't feel awkward or offended.
posted by balacat at 6:41 AM on June 11, 2013 [3 favorites]

Nthing that you have to step up and tell the waiter not to touch your child. She doesn't need to give the waiter a high five.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 6:48 AM on June 11, 2013 [6 favorites]

I'd start with your daughter. Ask her, before the next time you go out to such a place, if it will bother her.

You can tell her that you've noticed this is something that happens, and they're just trying to be nice, but it's her face, and she gets to choose who touches it. If she says it bothers her, promise her that you will ask them to stop, and follow through. You can also suggest that she stand on the other side of you, so that you are between her and the waiter.

The line about breaking the fingers is obviously not realistic. If the physical blocking of the kid hasn't been successful and you see the waiter going for her, I'd say something like "oh, we don't do touching" with a smiling head-shake (and simultaneously re-blocking the kid.)
posted by fingersandtoes at 7:11 AM on June 11, 2013 [1 favorite]

I like balacat's idea. I definitely don't think she is required to touch anyone she doesn't want to, but showing her there are options for social touching that can fall between "I live in a bubble because it's the only safe way" and "you have to take whatever people give you, even if it makes you feel bad" seems empowering to me. Of course, this does depend on whether she really doesn't appreciate the attention or if this is mainly coming from you.
posted by eralclare at 7:12 AM on June 11, 2013

If you teach your daughter one thing in her whole life, it should be that she is allowed to object to anyone touching her, for any reason, even if it means making the other person feel awkward or embarrassed and even if it means making a scene. You should teach her that in a really clear-cut, unambiguous way. I know of women - nice, intelligent women from nice families - who got into genuinely awful situations and have really problematic relationships with their bodies because nobody ever taught them that. She also needs to know that you will back her the fuck up and that you value her bodily integrity and self-determination more than you value your friendly relationships with other adults or having a peaceful evening or pretty much anything else.
posted by Acheman at 7:31 AM on June 11, 2013 [23 favorites]

I think if you go down the road of suggesting to your daughter that she performs [x behaviour] instead of [y behaviour], you should also make it clear to her that she doesn't have to perform any particular behaviour, and that simply refusing to allow touching is also completely OK. She doesn't owe anyone access to her body. However, this would also be a good opportunity to explain how in certain situations it's a good thing to allow someone to touch her, like if she has to visit a doctor or a dentist for some reason.
posted by Solomon at 7:50 AM on June 11, 2013

I think this is a great place to teach your daughter to stick up for herself. Tell her it is OK for her to ask people not to touch her -- after all, you aren't always going to be around to enforce her personal space as she grows older.

Tell her the words to say and make sure she gets that she can say, "Please don't touch me." If they touch her again, you pipe up and say, "Please don't touch my daughter."
posted by mibo at 8:01 AM on June 11, 2013 [2 favorites]

Why is pulling a quarter from the ear magic trick "weird"? I'm not reading anything in the description of examples that is in any way alarming or unusual. I can remember having my head patted and cheeks pinched a zillion times as a kid and never once did I feel that there was something inappropriate about it. It was just a normal human expression of adults adoring how cute kids are. Not only do I feel it did no harm to me, I think it probably actually made me feel happy and secure that so many people seemed to feel I was precious. Now if someone had patted my butt, I would have felt that was inappropriate, but head patting and cheek pinching (or touching) don't strike me as being uncommon or inappropriate behaviors of adults toward children. That being said, I do think times have changed and I personally don't do that to children I don't know because such things are somewhat frowned upon in America now (but I think in Asia it's still common). But if someone patted my daughter's head or pinched her cheek, I wouldn't necessarily think it's a bad thing, instead I would judge it on a case by case basis depending on the person's culture, age, disposition, etc. If it were an Indian, unless there was anything else that seemed "off" to me, I would assume that is normal acceptable behavior in a traditional culture like that of India. And most importantly I don't think it would bother my daughter either because she's been raised to understand different behaviors have different meanings in different contexts. Understanding social context and being able to assess the nuances of different situations are important skills to have in life, and if you don't teach your child to discern like that (or should I say give her the chance to learn such things by being overprotective or giving her a chance to think it through on her own), it can lead to problems later on in life including insensitivity to social cues, etc.
posted by Dansaman at 8:28 AM on June 11, 2013 [6 favorites]

The problem is that it made the OP's daughter uncomfortable. Whether or not someone else feels she should or should not feel uncomfortable about it really isn't relevant. Someone else deciding that it's OK to perform a specific action towards another person doesn't automatically make it OK. The OP's daughter doesn't have less right to not be touched simply because she's a child. She already knows that the behaviour of the waitstaff makes her uncomfortable.
posted by Solomon at 8:41 AM on June 11, 2013 [9 favorites]

I don't think it really matters if other strangers think it's normal for someone to touch your kid; if you or your daughter are uncomfortable with it, that is enough reason to take action. In addition to teaching her about enforcing her own boundaries, I think this is a good opportunity to model the fact that you can ask someone not to do something while still being gracious. No needless hostility is necessary to say "You know, we're not really touchy-feely types, can you not do that? Say, would you recommend the saag paneer or the ghobi aloo tonight?" If you want to talk with your daughter about different cultural norms, I think that's a conversation for another time - but as These Birds said up above, be wary of that line between teaching her to respect other cultures and people, and teaching her to respect others to the point of not respecting herself.

Good for you for looking out for your daughter here. Teaching her that it is not rude to turn someone down will be useful to her in SO many situations - from future romantic interactions, to responding to telemarketers.
posted by DingoMutt at 8:49 AM on June 11, 2013 [2 favorites]

I can remember having my head patted and cheeks pinched a zillion times as a kid

Yeah, me too, and I hated it, especially when it was a stranger, or some elderly near-stranger of my parents' acquaintance. Now that I'm near-elderly myself, I can understand the compulsion, but I'm sensitive enough to resist the temptation unless it's obviously okay with both parent and child.
posted by Rash at 9:09 AM on June 11, 2013

"Could you not do that, please?" Is about all you need to say here.
posted by windykites at 9:52 AM on June 11, 2013 [3 favorites]

How I'd deal with this? I'd probably start by asking myself honestly whether the discomfort was a big deal and whether I was perhaps acting in a way that might be skewing my child's perspective to conform to my own anxieties. And anyway, coping with little things like this is part of life; we can't always avoid things that impinge a little on our boundaries.

I really, really disagree with this. The message that it's okay to let others violate your boundaries out of politeness is not a positive one, particularly for young women, and especially in regard to their bodily autonomy. The idea that this is just some unreasonable anxiety ignores the reality that women receive this message their entire lives, often from people who use that politeness to take advantage of them.

Please speak up for your daughter.
posted by almostmanda at 10:34 AM on June 11, 2013 [10 favorites]

I doubt that these men would be touching the daughter of a non-relative in her father's presence in their home country. They should not be pulling this here.
posted by brujita at 10:58 AM on June 11, 2013

2nding balacat for the indirect approach. High fives and fist bumps are appropriately friendly without having to be confrontational.

For the more direct approach, just speak up.
posted by roaring beast at 1:44 PM on June 11, 2013

I would assume the touch on the face is admiration for a pretty child.

Er what? So if I admire a pretty woman/man should I be able to touch their face? No? So why is it ok for a child who is not likely as well equipped as an adult to say no. That is just really weird.

Person might mean well and have zero malicious intentions but that doesn't mean that I or a child or anyone else should have to put up with it. People (of whatever variety) are not public property. Please please speak up for your kid.

Stop going to those restaurants or find another one that behaves more professionally (seriously, I could never imagine any restaurant staff touching any person). You can also bring it up to your kid and just talk about it and tell them (teach them) they can politely request to not be touched and/or if they would like for you to explicitly intervene...although I think this would depend on the kid and whatever is happening.
posted by driedmango at 2:24 PM on June 11, 2013 [6 favorites]

I really, really disagree with this.

So do I. That comment bothered me a lot, and I'm even more upset at how many favorites it has. I've been thinking about it a lot.

Metafilter loves to recommend The Gift of Fear, and one of the central tenets of the book is that girls and women are conditioned to ignore their intuition and discount their feelings in service of making others comfortable.

Let me be clear: I believe in this scenario the waiters are acting completely innocently and I'm not saying they are a danger. That's not the point. I'm not the one who's uncomfortable. And it doesn't matter WHY the daughter is uncomfortable or that anyone here thinks she shouldn't be.

Imagine a parent using the perspective in that comment:

Kid: I don't like it when that guy touches my face.
Parent: He doesn't mean to invade your space. Sometimes people have different ideas of personal space.
Kid: Ok. Well, I don't want him to do it anymore.
Parent: Things like this are part of life. We can't always avoid these types of situations.
Kid: But it makes me uncomfortable.
Parent: But it's a compliment! He's treating you like a member of his family. He's just being friendly.

It discounts and second guesses the child's feelings. When is a child allowed to enforce their own boundaries? How can they learn to trust their own intuition when they are being told their feelings are irrelevant?

If a kid can learn to politely decline an innocent touchy waiter, maybe it will be easier for them to stand up for themselves later, if a potential predator attempts to test their boundaries.
posted by peep at 2:29 PM on June 11, 2013 [8 favorites]

Mod note: Comment removed, cool it a little; this askme, not a shouting match.
posted by cortex (staff) at 2:49 PM on June 11, 2013

It may be useful to distinguish between stuff that makes you uncomfortable, and stuff that's not OK.

The place to start is with your daughter. Yeah, cultural tendencies exist--different cultures have a different version of personal space. That's a very important thing to know, because the world doesn't exist to make you comfortable. That's not the same as saying that you need to put up with anything that's not OK.

If this had happened in only one restaurant, a discreet talk with the waiter would be in order: you assume that his/her intentions are not creepy, and ask him/her to not put his hands on your daughter. Since this seems to be a trend in certain restaurants, you ought to use the opportunity to have a discussion with your daughter about how different people do things differently. This leads to you and her talking about her own personal space, and who gets to do what to whom, and when.

Obviously the time to have this conversation is some time other than when the food server is at the table. You and she can decide if eating Indian food is worth the hassle, without having to determine that Indian concepts of friendliness are creepy. She is seven, and she's learning about personal boundaries. As a child she has fewer personal prerogatives (along these lines) than does an adult, mainly because her grasp of her personal space is more intuitive than prescribed. As long as you don't approach this with a lengthy shopping list of do and don't provisos, there's no reason she should not begin to distinguish between acceptable and not acceptable touching without using broad cultural qualifiers: (All) Indians do this, (All) Italians to that, so since I don't like (this/that) then All (Indians/Italians) are creeps.

Quite frankly, I am somewhat uncomfortable when food servers I don't know assume untoward familiarity with me. I prefer to be treated with simple courtesy, not familiarity. But I don't believe I need to make an issue of it in the restaurant. Of course, I'm talking about my own personal space, not my child's. I never liked strangers touching my kids, but sometimes it happened in a non-creepy way (goochie goochie goochie), so, usually, I just rolled with it...except when this crazy woman who lived near us wanted to take my son out of the backpack and play with him. I actually had to stifle my impulse to grab her and shake her when she put her hands on him, and I managed to treat her with a certain amount of courtesy.

Anyhow, the takeaway thought here is to use the situation to help broaden your daughter's world, rather than to simply build a defensive wall around her. At that age, she can learn that strangers are not allowed certain liberties, especially when a trusted adult that she knows is not there for her. Even younger kids can learn to scream don't touch me! when approached by strangers under certain circumstances. So, the terms uncomfortable and Not OK are separate things, suggesting separate decision making processes.
posted by mule98J at 3:21 PM on June 11, 2013 [1 favorite]

I sympathize with you on this, because it's actually a tough thing to navigate. When my daughter was an infant, and people would swoop in and try to touch her, I had no problem batting their hand away with a sharp "DON'T!" It was rude, but touching someone without asking is ruder, in my opinion (even though I totally get the desire to touch babies! I want to, too!), and because she was a baby, I didn't have to worry that she'd start being rude to people because I made it seem OK.

But as they get older, you are trying to model so many different things. Trying to tread between all the people and ideas that need to be respected here is hard: your daughter's sense of bodily autonomy, a cultural regard for personal space that is different than yours, adults we don't know, good manners, etc. One thing I would say, is don't get too frantic about it. You don't have just one chance to get this right, there will be lots of opportunities to teach these things (unfortunately).

I agree that you have to be the one to set the boundary here, though, because she has told you (or you can just tell?) that it makes her uncomfortable. The most important lesson you can teach here, I think, is "Don't worry kid, I've got your back." I think a polite "Please don't do that, it makes her uncomfortable" is totally appropriate. It strikes a good balance between sticking up for her and not being rude to someone who is just trying to be nice. And it shows her that you can enforce a boundary without being a jerk. (At some point you'll have to teach her that she should enforce her boundaries even if it means being a jerk, but that isn't necessarily the lesson she needs right now, in these circumstances.)
posted by looli at 8:06 PM on June 11, 2013 [1 favorite]

It may be useful to distinguish between stuff that makes you uncomfortable, and stuff that's not OK.

Stuff that makes you uncomfortable is not OK.
posted by fullerine at 9:49 PM on June 11, 2013 [5 favorites]

Honestly, avoiding the restaurant may be the best choice. Telling these waiters to stop may not only embarrass them, but depending on your race, they may think you are racist against Indians.
posted by FJT at 12:39 AM on June 12, 2013