Should I go no contact or continue to hang out?
May 29, 2013 1:36 AM   Subscribe

I met this girl last year at a party, she was slightly interested in me back then (I found out from her recently) but never pursued me and we did not keep in touch. I met her once again 2 months ago, this time I was mesmerised at first sight. I hung out with her 2 times with my friends and finally mustered the courage to ask her out on a date. She said yes, but I could sense from the get go that she was not as into me as I was into her, stating that she wants to take things slow. We went out on 3 dates, made out on the first and slept together on the third. Two days later, she said I was sending out cues that I'm very serious about it and am possessive of her, and how that freaks her out. She said that she is in no shape for a relationship in that she needs to heal and is going through too many things at this point in time.

It was going very well otherwise, I thought we had great chemistry. We were supposed to meet a week later, but two days prior to the date she told me over the phone that she no longer wants to pursue a sexual relationship. She feels it would be insincere to me and admitted that she's not over someone she dated a few months ago. I asked if that meant she wants me to disappear, she talked me out of it for hours saying that she likes me and is attracted to me but just not having any romantic feelings. She says she wants a heart to heart connection with someone and wants things to develop from there. She says she's been passionate (like how I am now) with other people before and it doesnt last. Plus, she wants me in her life because she believes I can motivate her. That was one of the reasons why she liked me too.

Ever since that night, she calls and texts me much more often than before. When we hung out again, I noticed how her body language changed completely--it became foreign to me. I'm very into her and it is difficult for me to keep things casual without trying to impress her or seek her acceptance everytime we hang out. I'm miserable with or without her right now because it's not being reciprocated. My gut feeling tells me she's never going to fall for me.. I mean I've hung out with her 6-7 times over the past month and she hasnt fall for me, shouldnt that be a red flag? According to her, this is a big assumption and a self-fulfilling prophecy. I disappeared after the night we "hung out", a few days later she called and insisted, emotionally, that I give this a try. After a few days, I just couldn't take it anymore. The whole process was ruining my self-esteem and making me obsessed with someone who is still thinking about her past and just not into me. So I called it off, I was very resentful and would not accept friendship because that's not the terms I signed up for although she's a really cool person whom I would love to hang out with. Right now, I am not willing to compromise and be friends because I think it is unfair and unhealthy for myself.

It's been a week now with no contact and I'm still processing whether I've done the right thing. Should I have been more patient and give this friendship a chance to grow into something more? I hope this no contact phase can make me stronger but I'm struggling to move on because I'm contemplating the decision everyday. I like her a lot and think there's so much I can learn about myself from pursuing whatever this is. I am tempted to go back, but I'm not sure if already driven her off the edge with conversations about what will become of us. I'm not even sure if it's a decision I can take back, but please just help share with me your thoughts and perspectives on how I should resolve this with myself. Thanks.
posted by polyhistor to Human Relations (31 answers total)
 
She said that she is in no shape for a relationship in that she needs to heal and is going through too many things at this point in time.

She feels it would be insincere to me and admitted that she's not over someone she dated a few months ago.

Listen to her. She is telling you that she does not want a relationship with you. She is not interested in a relationship with you. She wants to be friends and she's trying to let you down easy. If you can't handle being friends with her* then stop hanging out with her.

*I mean actually friends, not that you'll keep being friends with her in the hopes that she will eventually fall for you. Don't do that. Don't be that guy.
posted by troika at 1:44 AM on May 29, 2013 [13 favorites]


(Rereading your question, I think you should leave her alone regardless. You are not going to be able to wear her down into agreeing to date you. She does not owe you anything just because you went out on a few dates and slept together. If a dude I was seeing started behaving this way I would be seriously frightened.)
posted by troika at 1:49 AM on May 29, 2013 [6 favorites]


You know the "friendzone" people talk about, and sarcastically refer to sometimes? Hell, you even used it as a tag.

This is how you create a crappy friendzone situation right here.

I've been in a similar situation, and i regret a large portion of it, especially how long i drug it on to around(and beyond) the point of this question. Walk away, and leave it open for her to contact you. Go no contact otherwise.
posted by emptythought at 1:49 AM on May 29, 2013 [3 favorites]


Response by poster: I did ask her if she's looking for a platonic relationship with me and she denied it, saying it's not black or white yet, to her it's still a grey area and she wants to get to know me better. I left her alone all this time, she's the one who was initiating contact for fear of my disappearance. But yeah, I guess it's straightforward that she's friendzoning me regardless of what she says.
posted by polyhistor at 2:03 AM on May 29, 2013


She's blatantly told you she's not interested in anything more and you're ignoring that and resentful because she's sticking to her guns? What more does she need to say? She's never going to fall for you but she may end up writing here herself with her own question tagged with creepy guy, friend zone, scared etc. Please leave her alone, for both your sakes. And next time, when a girl says she's not interested, believe them. No really, truly, does mean no. PS just read your update... Even with mixed messages she's sending, throw this fish back. Life's too short.
posted by Jubey at 2:05 AM on May 29, 2013 [1 favorite]


You should go 'no contact' because she cannot give you what you want from her. And, as others have said here many times, I have found that people start a relationship as they mean to, or actually, go on. Passionate Marriage is a great book to read on this aspect of 'meeting' with a potential mate.
posted by honey-barbara at 2:10 AM on May 29, 2013 [1 favorite]


The whole process was ruining my self-esteem and making me obsessed with someone who is still thinking about her past and just not into me.

Right now, I am not willing to compromise and be friends because I think it is unfair and unhealthy for myself.


You need to listen to your own feelings.
posted by heyjude at 2:11 AM on May 29, 2013 [4 favorites]


According to her, this is a big assumption and a self-fulfilling prophecy. I disappeared after the night we "hung out", a few days later she called and insisted, emotionally, that I give this a try. After a few days, I just couldn't take it anymore. The whole process was ruining my self-esteem and making me obsessed with someone who is still thinking about her past and just not into me. So I called it off, I was very resentful and would not accept friendship because that's not the terms I signed up for although she's a really cool person whom I would love to hang out with. Right now, I am not willing to compromise and be friends because I think it is unfair and unhealthy for myself.

You did the right thing. Let her figure her own shit out, it's not your responsibility.
posted by empath at 2:37 AM on May 29, 2013 [9 favorites]


Right now, I am not willing to compromise and be friends because I think it is unfair and unhealthy for myself.

You're right.

[I] would not accept friendship because that's not the terms I signed up for

You're right. It's not like you were even friends before, it's nice that she wants to be friends but she has no grounds for insisting on it when it's hurtful to you.

Urgh, this sounds like it's really not very nice of her, and if anything like this ever happens again you can just shut down any discussion of becoming friends with a "Thanks, but I like you as more than a friend and staying in contact is just going to be too painful for me." Then you'll, well, maybe still be resentful but that can be on your own time as it were.

Really, she's jerking you around whether she means to or not (quite possibly she's trying to be nice, but, epic fail). No need to cooperate with that.
posted by tel3path at 3:14 AM on May 29, 2013 [13 favorites]


Really, she's jerking you around whether she means to or not (quite possibly she's trying to be nice, but, epic fail). No need to cooperate with that.

This. Some of the answers above that are telling you not to be "that guy" seem to be ignoring the fact that every time you try to do the healthy thing and pull away from her, she pursues you hard... for friendship. Which is not what you want, and she has no right to expect it from you if it trying to be "just friends" is causing you pain. You don't owe her your friendship, and you certainly are under no obligation to "motivate" her. (What?)

My gut feeling tells me she's never going to fall for me... According to her, this is a big assumption and a self-fulfilling prophecy

and

I disappeared after the night we "hung out", a few days later she called and insisted, emotionally, that I give this a try

This is where she is jerking you around. She's giving you just enough hope to keep you coming around, while almost certainly knowing that she is not going to develop deeper feelings for you. She's being very manipulative, whether she knows it or not, and it is not fair to you. This girl sounds like a sure bet if you are looking for years of painful friendship and unrequited love punctuated by bursts of false hope and emotional drama.

You are absolutely doing the right thing by going no contact. You will start to feel better soon as long as you don't give her an opening to start manipulating you again.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 3:45 AM on May 29, 2013 [26 favorites]


Agree that she is jerking you around, perhaps thinking that she is being nice. But you need to look out for yourself and find someone who wants what you want.
posted by rpfields at 4:08 AM on May 29, 2013 [2 favorites]


She's not interested in you, but she keeps frequently calling and texting while she's into someone else? She's stringing you along, keeping you guessing while she figures out if the other relationship works out: she's using you, and that's not the sign of a good partner, whether current or potential.

Yes indeed, go full no-contact with her: block her phone calls, texts, emails, whatever. Defriend her on Facebook and anywhere else, then go find someone who will treat you as well as you treat them.
posted by easily confused at 4:17 AM on May 29, 2013 [6 favorites]


Move on, the joy of friends is that you can choose them
posted by BenPens at 4:49 AM on May 29, 2013 [2 favorites]


I don't think this girl is jerking you around. I think she is pursuing you for friendship just as hard as you were pursuing her for a relationship.

However, if you do not want to be her friend, and view it only as a "compromise", then you should definitely not be friends with her.
posted by corb at 4:54 AM on May 29, 2013 [2 favorites]


This sucks because she's willing to use you to bolster her self-esteem, but she's not reciprocating your feelings. You're being used.

Does that put it in perspective?

Yes, go no contact. You can tell her (via email), "We're not on the same page. I want a romantic relationship with you and you don't want one with me. It's not fair to me to keep me in limbo."

Defriend her, block her number, etc.

Now, get out of dodge for a bit to clear your head. I recommend a weedend hiking, or a road trip, something that gets you out of your usual milieu. Breathe fresh air, or eat a lobster roll from a stand, or whatever it is people in your geography do on a road trip.

I usually make a playlist with songs that empower me and remind me that there are other people, and other places and that bad timing is all part of life.

I promise that you'll get over her, and that if you're open to it, another wonderful person will come into your life and it will be the right time for both of you, and it will be awesome.

FWIW, I got Husbunny on the rebound. We've been married for 11 years. Timing is everything.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 5:47 AM on May 29, 2013 [2 favorites]


I did ask her if she's looking for a platonic relationship with me and she denied it, saying it's not black or white yet, to her it's still a grey area and she wants to get to know me better.

You are the Backup Relationship (break glass in case of emergency). She is waiting on Previous Relationship to "come around," or for someone better to appear, and maybe eventually she'll settle for you, but probably not -- and either way, you deserve to be with someone who won't always be looking over your shoulder for someone better.

Stay no-contact. Delete her from your life. Find someone who wants you, not someone who will settle for you.
posted by Etrigan at 6:11 AM on May 29, 2013 [4 favorites]


The answer to "should I go no contact?" is almost always yes. Not for her sake; for yours.
posted by mcwetboy at 6:15 AM on May 29, 2013 [2 favorites]


No contact is the perfect solution to someone who messes you about like this. She doesn't want a sexual relationship with you, she's not sure if she wants to be friends or not but continues to give out some very mixed messages. Don't engage the crazy. There are a lot of people in the world you can fall in love with and who will respect you enough not to play games like she was. Go and find one or even some of them and take your mind of this individual.
posted by Solomon at 6:29 AM on May 29, 2013 [1 favorite]


Best answer: She probably feels guilty or fearful about rejecting you and that's why you can't get a straight answer from her about basic stuff like whether she wants a platonic friendship, etc. All that mumbo-jumbo about wanting a heart-to-heart magical rainbbow unicorn connection, etc, is code. The code is: "I don't want to date you, but I'm afraid of your reaction and I don't feel like I can tell you that directly and stick with it and have you respect it". If you come off as jealous or excessive (which you say she mentioned, and yes, in my opinion your post makes you seem like you're possibly a bit intense), she possibly has good reason for wanting to avoid angering you; she doesn't know you well enough to know how you might react. Or, hey, maybe she really does want to be pals with you. Whatever the reason, the relationship as it stands is fucking you up. I'd send her a quick note:

"Hey, don't take this the wrong way, but I don't really want this kind of friendship with you. You're a great girl, have a nice life -polyhistor". And then no contact.
posted by windykites at 6:34 AM on May 29, 2013 [2 favorites]


Keep your distance. This won't work, and you'll regret any more time you put into it.
posted by ead at 7:08 AM on May 29, 2013


She sounds like she got pretty hurt, and she's trying to be fair to you. She wants to form a deeper relationship than just fucking around. It doesn't seem like she wants to sleep with anyone right now.

You need to lay off. She's obviously been through something difficult, and you're mad she's not as gaga about you as you are about her. Fine. Then leave her alone. She seems confused. She's a person with feelings who actually communicated the truth instead of jerking you around. Stop being demanding and be an adult. She's not trying to manipulate you and screw other guys. And it's not her job to give you sex and reciprocate just because you fell for her at first sight.
posted by discopolo at 8:46 AM on May 29, 2013 [2 favorites]


I can sympathise completely here having recently been in what I thought was the beginning of a relationship, but which swiftly transformed into a friendzone drama series. You're prepared to endure the misery in the desperate hope for some positive resolution.

Although it's a tough decision, you'll find hitting the No Contact button will provide a definite severance point from which you can get on with your life.
posted by panboi at 8:52 AM on May 29, 2013


And honestly, maybe she's just trying to avoid the mistakes of her last relationship. I recently left a relationship where my partner, who I loved very much, emotionally and verbally abused me (with some physical abuse at the very end), and it's only now that I wish I'd set boundaries, hadn't let him treat me poorly, had gotten to know him before falling for him so completely and getting sexually involved with him in the first place. I'm still not over wishing he hadn't treated me horribly. So when guys badger me for dates and make me regret giving them my phone number, I feel like hiding and I feel like I'm being pushed around.

You seem like you don't want to respect her boundaries, as if they're an affront to you. You obviously don't care about her emotional state, so maybe she is better off without you, if you can't respect her or be compassionate to her needs.
posted by discopolo at 8:56 AM on May 29, 2013 [2 favorites]


Response by poster: I do respect her very much and appreciate her sincerity. Had she imposed those boundaries since the beginning, I would not be analysing and processing things so much. But she went out with me for 2 weeks and then backtracked. I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I'm sure a lot of people look back in hindsight and wished they had gotten to know their exes better before falling, but I am skeptical that these feelings can be conditioned upon receiving more information about the other person. What do you reckon I do in being respectful and compassionate?
posted by polyhistor at 10:05 AM on May 29, 2013


People who want to remain friends with people who obviously want way more than friends are putting their own needs in front of everyone else's. They are also often not being honest with themselves.

Let this one go.
posted by Ironmouth at 10:22 AM on May 29, 2013 [3 favorites]


People who want to remain friends with people who obviously want way more than friends are putting their own needs in front of everyone else's. They are also often not being honest with themselves.

Let this one go.


and

She probably feels guilty or fearful about rejecting you and that's why you can't get a straight answer from her about basic stuff like whether she wants a platonic friendship, etc. All that mumbo-jumbo about wanting a heart-to-heart magical rainbbow unicorn connection, etc, is code. The code is: "I don't want to date you, but I'm afraid of your reaction and I don't feel like I can tell you that directly and stick with it and have you respect it".

Two very different possibilities are being described here, that come from very different perspectives. Either one could be true. Both are best solved by ending contact and moving on, which you did, so well done. You have either just protected yourself (and her) from her, or protected her (and yourself) from you. Doesn't matter which; either way, everybody wins! Stay the course.
posted by davejay at 10:47 AM on May 29, 2013 [2 favorites]


I do respect her very much and appreciate her sincerity. Had she imposed those boundaries since the beginning, I would not be analysing and processing things so much. But she went out with me for 2 weeks and then backtracked. I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I'm sure a lot of people look back in hindsight and wished they had gotten to know their exes better before falling, but I am skeptical that these feelings can be conditioned upon receiving more information about the other person. What do you reckon I do in being respectful and compassionate?

You sound so angry at her and so needy and suspicious that I don't think you have it in you to be a good friend or potential boyfriend anyway. I don't think this would be a good thing for her to have to deal with right now anyway, so you should go no contact and leave her alone.
posted by discopolo at 10:52 AM on May 29, 2013


Maybe think about it like this. Even if she somehow magically decided she did want to date you (which she won't, but...for the sake of the hypothetical), would you even still want to, given how much drama this series of interactions have brought to your life while you WEREN'T in any kind of relationship?

It doesn't exactly set the best precedent for a fulfilling relationship.
posted by softlord at 11:57 AM on May 29, 2013 [1 favorite]


Maybe think about it like this. Even if she somehow magically decided she did want to date you (which she won't, but...for the sake of the hypothetical), would you even still want to, given how much drama this series of interactions have brought to your life while you WEREN'T in any kind of relationship?

Silly question. Of course you'd want to, even though know full well that you'd burn with as yet unimaginable pain that only got worse with every passing hour. You're in pain now, aren't you? So more pain is not exactly out of your way.

And that is why you must go no contact. Just say "no offence intended, I am moved that you are so eager to remain friends, but I want more than that and so I'm going to be out of contact for the foreseeable future. For both our sakes."

Then block, hide, ignore, give cordial but minimal greetings if your paths cross in public, no Twitter no Facebook no nothing. She's not your enemy, but you are not friends.
posted by tel3path at 5:29 PM on May 29, 2013 [1 favorite]


I think I have been that girl, once upon a time in my early-twenties. I won't go into huge detail, but the short story is that a few months after the end of a five year relationship with my first love, a relationship I had thought was leading to marriage and kids, his former best friend, who by then was my best friend, declared his love for me and said he'd been pining for me for years. It was a lot of pressure.

Where it's similar is that I did the same dance this woman is doing--I told him repeatedly that I only wanted us to be friends, that I didn't see a relationship growing between us. But I did love him, and I did want to spend time with him (and I did continue to have sex with him), and there was a part of me that was wondering all along whether maybe I did want to have a relationship with him. I was flattered by all the attention and genuinely enjoyed being around him. I would have been hurt and missed him if he'd stopped hanging out with me. But I still kept saying I didn't want a relationship.

But it was hell for him, and eventually really awful for me, too. It lasted years, he pined all through my two-year relationship with another guy. I feel a tremendous amount of guilt and shame when I think back on that time, even though I was not being a jerk on purpose. I wish now that I'd had the good sense to end it definitively right at the start.

So my advice is go no contact. It sounds like she is confused. When I read how things went between you, it sounds to me like she was willing to date you, maybe casually, but didn't feel ready for a relationship. You came on stronger than she expected, which confirmed for her that she isn't ready for a relationship. Possibly she really likes you. Possibly she is thinking that if the two of you hang out as friends for a month, or six months, or a couple years, things will grow enough between you, and she will have healed from her previous relationship, to make a relationship between the two of you possible. BUT THAT WILL BE A MISERABLE TIME FOR YOU.

The timing is bad, you are just going to get hurt. Walk away now and spare yourselves both the misery.
posted by La Marquise Marionette de Chaussette at 7:29 PM on May 29, 2013 [6 favorites]


Hi - I had a friend do exactly this. Asked her out, then she starts jerking me around by immediately having me hang out and go out to dinner with her (just us). Then constantly calls/texts/even flirts with me.

It's one of those things that you can't get out of until something disastrous happens, and in this case I had to have my heart broken twice. I got jerked around. Sounds like she's doing the same to you.

I am going no contact right now because I just can't handle it anymore. The rollercoaster was making me miserable.

And I can't stand the gun-jumping of "don't be that guy", making the girl the victim. Clearly that's not quite the case here.
posted by christiehawk at 9:41 AM on May 30, 2013 [1 favorite]


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