Huge misunderstanding with casual friend now an incredible mess.
May 27, 2013 7:25 PM Subscribe
Huge misunderstanding with casual friend now an incredible mess. I don't know how to handle this so am turning to you for advice. I am honestly trying to keep it brief and still include relevant details.
I am seriously sorry for this long clusterfuck of a mess. I honestly do not know what to do.
I was at a big social event recently and ran into a friend/acquaintance who is a male and part of a larger extended group. We were chatting about movies and I suggested that we put together a group outing for a dinner/movie in the next few days and he said that sounded great. I said I would invite our friend Ann and whoever else I ran into at this event and that he should do the same and he said okay. I texted Ann to invite her and she flipped out (via text), saying that he is the man who broke her heart and what kind of a fucked up joke am I playing? I did then remember that they used to be together a few years ago but had honestly forgotten at the time I suggested it. Both of them are part of a larger social group and have been at other gatherings and parties together with seemingly no problem (though I don't pay great attention - they're both just casual friends of mine). If I would have stopped to think about it, I would have remembered that they used to date and if I had thought about it more, I might have remembered when she had posted something once a long time ago (9-12 months?) about having a hard time with it. Hand on heart, I did not remember when I brought it up. And since they mix with a lot of the same people, it just seemed like a normal, casual suggestion that we put together a group outing to a movie (this group of people do things like this together frequently).
Anyway, she flipped. She accused me of playing a sick and mean joke on her. Said I had upset her so much and completely ruined what had been a good weekend and that she didn't want to ruin my "date" with this person (I am married, btw, though my husband is working in another city atm, everyone knows I am married). I told her right off the bat that I am 100%, totally married and I had zero interest in this guy. ZERO.
I apologized profusely via text (she would not take my repeated phone calls, even though I asked her if we could actually talk because texting is not a good means of communication). So I texted her and apologized profusely and without reservation. I said I was so sorry for my thoughtlessness, I never wanted to hurt her and that playing a sick joke like that on a friend is so completely opposite from my character that I actually felt devastated that she would think I would do that. I told her I would cancel any plans because she is my friend and I care more about her than I do him (I don't know either of them all that well but I have been looking forward to getting to know her better, which is why she popped into my head right away as a person I wanted to ask to go to the movie). I told her that I really want her to understand that nothing I did was intentional or malicious in any way, but regardless, I am so sorry I hurt her.
She basically went into this long thing about how he hurt her, how long it took her to get over it and how I have now started all of the hurt anew. She picked at various parts of what I told her, like she was trying to catch me in a lie or something, example being - "you said in your voicemail (the first time I called I left a voicemail, in tears because I was so upset at hurting her), saying that I told him I would ask a group of people but that in my text I said I would ask her specifically. So she's quibbling over these kinds of things and I responded to the first few but then I stopped responding because my overall message was no different - I was thoughtless and careless, I honestly did not mean to be and I apologize unreservedly. I decided that she would have to either accept that or not accept that and I don't think there is anything I can do to change it (I cancelled the plans - called the guy and told him I forgot they had dated and out of respect for her and because I didn't want to get involved in any bad feelings, it would probably be better to cancel. He was fine with it).
So, after asking her to talk on the phone and not text (she refused), I just stopped replying to her texts last night. She has continued to text me through today. She just sent me another text saying she spoke to him and he said that I never mentioned Ann when I brought it up, which is not true. She is now saying I lied to her, which I did not. I haven't responded because I do not want to get involved in a he said/she said thing. I also will not discuss this with her by text anymore, though I am willing to talk to her over the phone. She continues to accuse me (in nasty language) of 1. playing a sick joke on her specifically to hurt her, and 2. trying to date her ex-bf, despite my repeated reminders that I am MARRIED and NOT LOOKING.
Wtf should I do about this? I think you might be thinking to not even bother with either of them anymore. Complications are that a lot of her family members are part of our social circle so now I'm worried that people will see me as this monster, though I would hope that they would know me better than that. If I just stop bothering with these two, then I have to kind of remove myself from this social circle entirely and I have a lot of good friends in it and they are always doing things as a group. My husband thinks the whole thing is insane, which it is. This woman has had problems before in her life but I have never wanted anything but the best for her. I don't want to get into petty bickering and finger pointing or in the middle of deep relationship issues. I have apologized multiple times, unreservedly. I cancelled the plans. I don't know what else I can do. I would like to maintain the good relationships with all our other friends but if she is going to smear my name, that's hard. I want to be decent to her because there are clearly problems there. I want to do this with my dignity intact. We are all adults here, believe it or not. This is a fucking mess and it's upsetting me as she is accusing me of pretty awful things that I would never have expected to hear from anyone. Feel like total shit and horrible for hurting her. Don't know what my next step should be. Please help.
I am seriously sorry for this long clusterfuck of a mess. I honestly do not know what to do.
I was at a big social event recently and ran into a friend/acquaintance who is a male and part of a larger extended group. We were chatting about movies and I suggested that we put together a group outing for a dinner/movie in the next few days and he said that sounded great. I said I would invite our friend Ann and whoever else I ran into at this event and that he should do the same and he said okay. I texted Ann to invite her and she flipped out (via text), saying that he is the man who broke her heart and what kind of a fucked up joke am I playing? I did then remember that they used to be together a few years ago but had honestly forgotten at the time I suggested it. Both of them are part of a larger social group and have been at other gatherings and parties together with seemingly no problem (though I don't pay great attention - they're both just casual friends of mine). If I would have stopped to think about it, I would have remembered that they used to date and if I had thought about it more, I might have remembered when she had posted something once a long time ago (9-12 months?) about having a hard time with it. Hand on heart, I did not remember when I brought it up. And since they mix with a lot of the same people, it just seemed like a normal, casual suggestion that we put together a group outing to a movie (this group of people do things like this together frequently).
Anyway, she flipped. She accused me of playing a sick and mean joke on her. Said I had upset her so much and completely ruined what had been a good weekend and that she didn't want to ruin my "date" with this person (I am married, btw, though my husband is working in another city atm, everyone knows I am married). I told her right off the bat that I am 100%, totally married and I had zero interest in this guy. ZERO.
I apologized profusely via text (she would not take my repeated phone calls, even though I asked her if we could actually talk because texting is not a good means of communication). So I texted her and apologized profusely and without reservation. I said I was so sorry for my thoughtlessness, I never wanted to hurt her and that playing a sick joke like that on a friend is so completely opposite from my character that I actually felt devastated that she would think I would do that. I told her I would cancel any plans because she is my friend and I care more about her than I do him (I don't know either of them all that well but I have been looking forward to getting to know her better, which is why she popped into my head right away as a person I wanted to ask to go to the movie). I told her that I really want her to understand that nothing I did was intentional or malicious in any way, but regardless, I am so sorry I hurt her.
She basically went into this long thing about how he hurt her, how long it took her to get over it and how I have now started all of the hurt anew. She picked at various parts of what I told her, like she was trying to catch me in a lie or something, example being - "you said in your voicemail (the first time I called I left a voicemail, in tears because I was so upset at hurting her), saying that I told him I would ask a group of people but that in my text I said I would ask her specifically. So she's quibbling over these kinds of things and I responded to the first few but then I stopped responding because my overall message was no different - I was thoughtless and careless, I honestly did not mean to be and I apologize unreservedly. I decided that she would have to either accept that or not accept that and I don't think there is anything I can do to change it (I cancelled the plans - called the guy and told him I forgot they had dated and out of respect for her and because I didn't want to get involved in any bad feelings, it would probably be better to cancel. He was fine with it).
So, after asking her to talk on the phone and not text (she refused), I just stopped replying to her texts last night. She has continued to text me through today. She just sent me another text saying she spoke to him and he said that I never mentioned Ann when I brought it up, which is not true. She is now saying I lied to her, which I did not. I haven't responded because I do not want to get involved in a he said/she said thing. I also will not discuss this with her by text anymore, though I am willing to talk to her over the phone. She continues to accuse me (in nasty language) of 1. playing a sick joke on her specifically to hurt her, and 2. trying to date her ex-bf, despite my repeated reminders that I am MARRIED and NOT LOOKING.
Wtf should I do about this? I think you might be thinking to not even bother with either of them anymore. Complications are that a lot of her family members are part of our social circle so now I'm worried that people will see me as this monster, though I would hope that they would know me better than that. If I just stop bothering with these two, then I have to kind of remove myself from this social circle entirely and I have a lot of good friends in it and they are always doing things as a group. My husband thinks the whole thing is insane, which it is. This woman has had problems before in her life but I have never wanted anything but the best for her. I don't want to get into petty bickering and finger pointing or in the middle of deep relationship issues. I have apologized multiple times, unreservedly. I cancelled the plans. I don't know what else I can do. I would like to maintain the good relationships with all our other friends but if she is going to smear my name, that's hard. I want to be decent to her because there are clearly problems there. I want to do this with my dignity intact. We are all adults here, believe it or not. This is a fucking mess and it's upsetting me as she is accusing me of pretty awful things that I would never have expected to hear from anyone. Feel like total shit and horrible for hurting her. Don't know what my next step should be. Please help.
This isn't your fault. Stop engaging with either of them. Nobody else will be happy to get dragged into it, and if either of them try and drag other friends into it, they'll be mad at them, not you.
posted by empath at 7:30 PM on May 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by empath at 7:30 PM on May 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
Just let her go. I don't know that I'd go as far as to say "don't bother with" her, but you can't make her forgive you or accept your apology or be her friend.
Don't try to remove yourself from the social circle. Just stop trying to call her, explain, apologize, etc. Just drop it.
I don't know what to say about her "smearing your name" or not, as I don't know her or the dynamic of your social circle. I've seen fights break out and get resolved among members of my social circle over the years without any one fight ruining everything for everyone, but I don't know your friends so who knows how realistic that is.
posted by Sara C. at 7:31 PM on May 27, 2013
Don't try to remove yourself from the social circle. Just stop trying to call her, explain, apologize, etc. Just drop it.
I don't know what to say about her "smearing your name" or not, as I don't know her or the dynamic of your social circle. I've seen fights break out and get resolved among members of my social circle over the years without any one fight ruining everything for everyone, but I don't know your friends so who knows how realistic that is.
posted by Sara C. at 7:31 PM on May 27, 2013
Best answer: Ann is waaaaaaay overreacting and you're playing right into her little drama fest. Stop it.
Next time she texts you, text back, "Ann, I have told you multiple times this was all a misunderstanding. I was not trying to hurt you, and I have apologized over and over again in any case. Hope to see you around soon. All the best."
And DO NOT text her again. Stop engaging with these people about this topic. Go ahead and be friends with them in your larger circle of friends like nothing happened, because you did nothing wrong here. This is not your problem.
Leave it be.
posted by phunniemee at 7:32 PM on May 27, 2013 [41 favorites]
Next time she texts you, text back, "Ann, I have told you multiple times this was all a misunderstanding. I was not trying to hurt you, and I have apologized over and over again in any case. Hope to see you around soon. All the best."
And DO NOT text her again. Stop engaging with these people about this topic. Go ahead and be friends with them in your larger circle of friends like nothing happened, because you did nothing wrong here. This is not your problem.
Leave it be.
posted by phunniemee at 7:32 PM on May 27, 2013 [41 favorites]
Best answer: Also:
1. playing a sick joke on her specifically to hurt her, and 2. trying to date her ex-bf, despite my repeated reminders that I am MARRIED and NOT LOOKING.
Not to play internet psychologist, but this sounds like borderline personality disorder talking to me, so I'm sure her family is well aware of her over-reacting to stuff by now and will not blame you for stepping in it.
posted by empath at 7:33 PM on May 27, 2013 [19 favorites]
1. playing a sick joke on her specifically to hurt her, and 2. trying to date her ex-bf, despite my repeated reminders that I am MARRIED and NOT LOOKING.
Not to play internet psychologist, but this sounds like borderline personality disorder talking to me, so I'm sure her family is well aware of her over-reacting to stuff by now and will not blame you for stepping in it.
posted by empath at 7:33 PM on May 27, 2013 [19 favorites]
You did nothing wrong. She is reacting wildly out of proportion to what happened. As for the rest of her friends, if they don't think she's overreacting, I'm not sure you're not better off without them as well.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:33 PM on May 27, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:33 PM on May 27, 2013 [2 favorites]
Look, you made a mistake. It was unintentional, you apologised. Case closed.
She continues to accuse me (in nasty language) of 1. playing a sick joke on her specifically to hurt her, and 2. trying to date her ex-bf, despite my repeated reminders that I am MARRIED and NOT LOOKING.
Stop engaging. This person has lost it. Maybe she'll calm down in a couple of weeks. But you don't need to humour this crap in the meantime.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 7:34 PM on May 27, 2013 [5 favorites]
She continues to accuse me (in nasty language) of 1. playing a sick joke on her specifically to hurt her, and 2. trying to date her ex-bf, despite my repeated reminders that I am MARRIED and NOT LOOKING.
Stop engaging. This person has lost it. Maybe she'll calm down in a couple of weeks. But you don't need to humour this crap in the meantime.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 7:34 PM on May 27, 2013 [5 favorites]
Like seriously, the closest analogy I can think of is, say: she mentioned offhand to you ages and ages ago that she's allergic to chocolate. You forget this, and offer her a chocolate chip cookie that you made. She accuses you of deliberately trying to murder her, calls you horrible names, and shuts you out of her life.
Do you "feel like total shit and horrible for hurting her" in that situation? Or do you think "Holy shit this woman is insane" and then get on with your life?
posted by showbiz_liz at 7:37 PM on May 27, 2013 [26 favorites]
Do you "feel like total shit and horrible for hurting her" in that situation? Or do you think "Holy shit this woman is insane" and then get on with your life?
posted by showbiz_liz at 7:37 PM on May 27, 2013 [26 favorites]
She is being utterly ridiculous and you are blameless.
Stop engaging with her via text/email/phone. You've said all you need to say, and this drama queen isn't getting it. Be calmly polite next time you encounter her in a group. Do not withdraw from your friend group. Do not discuss it with anyone else. Deflect if it's brought up: 'Oh, I'd rather not talk about that', with an airy wave of the hand.
She's got issues, and they're nothing to do with you.
posted by Salamander at 7:37 PM on May 27, 2013
Stop engaging with her via text/email/phone. You've said all you need to say, and this drama queen isn't getting it. Be calmly polite next time you encounter her in a group. Do not withdraw from your friend group. Do not discuss it with anyone else. Deflect if it's brought up: 'Oh, I'd rather not talk about that', with an airy wave of the hand.
She's got issues, and they're nothing to do with you.
posted by Salamander at 7:37 PM on May 27, 2013
You didn't do anything wrong. She is acting completely out of proportion and taking this out on you when it is not your fault.
If I were you I'd stop apologizing to her and disengage. If this is her normal behaviour, no one with an ounce of sense in your social circle will think you're the one with a problem if she starts badmouthing you.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 7:39 PM on May 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
If I were you I'd stop apologizing to her and disengage. If this is her normal behaviour, no one with an ounce of sense in your social circle will think you're the one with a problem if she starts badmouthing you.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 7:39 PM on May 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
Even if her relationship with this guy was all kinds of awful, how were you supposed to know that? This is a severe overreaction.
posted by futureisunwritten at 7:39 PM on May 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by futureisunwritten at 7:39 PM on May 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
Ann sounds totally nuts. But she also sounds like one of those people who will continue to attack you and attack you like a hornet, because she thinks you're in some kind of weak position, and she can get away with it, and there will be no consequences for her.
Lots of people who target women this way suddenly become sweet as pie when a man steps in and tells them to knock it off in no uncertain terms.
I do not think YOU should say another word to her, just totally ignore her from now on.
Do you have a mutual male friend who can call her up and tell her in a very serious, firm way to cut it out? Especially if it's a man that Ann really likes?
posted by cairdeas at 7:41 PM on May 27, 2013 [6 favorites]
Lots of people who target women this way suddenly become sweet as pie when a man steps in and tells them to knock it off in no uncertain terms.
I do not think YOU should say another word to her, just totally ignore her from now on.
Do you have a mutual male friend who can call her up and tell her in a very serious, firm way to cut it out? Especially if it's a man that Ann really likes?
posted by cairdeas at 7:41 PM on May 27, 2013 [6 favorites]
Well, first, disengage. Second, I do think you should defend yourself in your social group if it ever comes up. Something along these lines:
"I don't know what I was thinking, I forgot about their history. I apologized over and over, but it didn't help much. I feel awful about it."
And then drop it. Hopefully, your friends already know the rest of the story.
posted by raisingsand at 7:41 PM on May 27, 2013 [2 favorites]
"I don't know what I was thinking, I forgot about their history. I apologized over and over, but it didn't help much. I feel awful about it."
And then drop it. Hopefully, your friends already know the rest of the story.
posted by raisingsand at 7:41 PM on May 27, 2013 [2 favorites]
I swear up and down that this will have blown over in three months if you keep your cool. I have seen genuinely dreadful things blow over, and this is nothing.
Here is what I would do: communicate with her once more to apologize, reiterating that you were confused, only invited her because you wanted to see her, etc. I don't think you did anything wrong at all, personally; this is a strategic apology. Communicate with the guy to say that you're sorry for the mess; you genuinely had forgotten that they'd gone out and apologize for causing so much upheaval. Keep this apology light. Again, I don't think you did anything wrong. If you're really concerned, talk to a couple of friends - who will act as proxies in spreading this version of events around - and say that this unfortunate thing happened, you mistakenly forgot that these two used to go out and you seem accidentally to have caused a lot of upheaval. A rueful chuckle and a "what an idiot I am" shrug are key here - you don't frame this as "what a terrible person I am", you frame it as "what a silly though unfortunate train of events".
Most people are pretty levelheaded and will see this the same way - as an unfortunate train of events where no one is significantly to blame. It is unlikely that anyone will seriously believe that you decided to randomly play a really malicious joke on a casual friend who you don't see very often.
I have been in social circles where much worse rumors based on much more serious stuff were rife - and where those rumors (this wasn't about sexual assault, just to clarify so that you don't think I'm getting into rape apologism) were totally untrue and put about by someone who was very, very dodgy. What happened? A little gossip, a few people naively believing the rumor at first, and then the slow fall-apart of the dodgy person. But all of this happened with very, very little drama, simply because the gossip just wasn't that exciting. People forget. They really do. And most people aren't inclined to believe that others harbor huge malice that they deploy at random. Seriously, what is the worst anyone could really, genuinely believe here? That you did something a little thoughtless, that's all. If you generally are not thoughtless and unfeeling, no one will take it at all seriously.
And look, if it hasn't blown over in three months, if there's more than one person who really believes that you played a bizarrely malicious yet ineffective joke on a casual friend for no reason, you really should find a new social circle.
posted by Frowner at 7:43 PM on May 27, 2013 [3 favorites]
Here is what I would do: communicate with her once more to apologize, reiterating that you were confused, only invited her because you wanted to see her, etc. I don't think you did anything wrong at all, personally; this is a strategic apology. Communicate with the guy to say that you're sorry for the mess; you genuinely had forgotten that they'd gone out and apologize for causing so much upheaval. Keep this apology light. Again, I don't think you did anything wrong. If you're really concerned, talk to a couple of friends - who will act as proxies in spreading this version of events around - and say that this unfortunate thing happened, you mistakenly forgot that these two used to go out and you seem accidentally to have caused a lot of upheaval. A rueful chuckle and a "what an idiot I am" shrug are key here - you don't frame this as "what a terrible person I am", you frame it as "what a silly though unfortunate train of events".
Most people are pretty levelheaded and will see this the same way - as an unfortunate train of events where no one is significantly to blame. It is unlikely that anyone will seriously believe that you decided to randomly play a really malicious joke on a casual friend who you don't see very often.
I have been in social circles where much worse rumors based on much more serious stuff were rife - and where those rumors (this wasn't about sexual assault, just to clarify so that you don't think I'm getting into rape apologism) were totally untrue and put about by someone who was very, very dodgy. What happened? A little gossip, a few people naively believing the rumor at first, and then the slow fall-apart of the dodgy person. But all of this happened with very, very little drama, simply because the gossip just wasn't that exciting. People forget. They really do. And most people aren't inclined to believe that others harbor huge malice that they deploy at random. Seriously, what is the worst anyone could really, genuinely believe here? That you did something a little thoughtless, that's all. If you generally are not thoughtless and unfeeling, no one will take it at all seriously.
And look, if it hasn't blown over in three months, if there's more than one person who really believes that you played a bizarrely malicious yet ineffective joke on a casual friend for no reason, you really should find a new social circle.
posted by Frowner at 7:43 PM on May 27, 2013 [3 favorites]
Your friend sounds legitimately insane. Holy crap. Just stop dealing with her, block her texts, and try to avoid her from now on.
posted by xingcat at 7:47 PM on May 27, 2013 [4 favorites]
posted by xingcat at 7:47 PM on May 27, 2013 [4 favorites]
Best answer: Wow. That's some crazy stuff. Sorry you had to deal with it.
A thing to note for the future. A SUPER IMPORTANT LIFE LESSON I feel assured to give. Ahem.
If you apologize sincerely and the person does not gracefully accept your apology, whether or not they had a reason to be upset or continue to be upset, then they are not worth your time.
A sincere apology delivered for an inadvertent action should absolve the apologee as they have expressed contrition and will clearly avoid the transgression in the future.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 7:53 PM on May 27, 2013 [25 favorites]
A thing to note for the future. A SUPER IMPORTANT LIFE LESSON I feel assured to give. Ahem.
If you apologize sincerely and the person does not gracefully accept your apology, whether or not they had a reason to be upset or continue to be upset, then they are not worth your time.
A sincere apology delivered for an inadvertent action should absolve the apologee as they have expressed contrition and will clearly avoid the transgression in the future.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 7:53 PM on May 27, 2013 [25 favorites]
I would not apologize (again). I would contact her once and tell her to stop the harassment. If she continues, get a restraining order. Seriously, she is clearly mentally ill.
She just sent me another text saying she spoke to him and he said that I never mentioned Ann when I brought it up, which is not true. She is now saying I lied to her, which I did not.
You have no reason to believe she is accurately relaying what he said. Alternately, he dated her and probably deal with her exploding like this before and is trying to minimize his own involvement with her and this situation. Regardless, place no weight on what she says and assume the best of your male friend. Have no fear that people will ostracize you over HER behaviour or what she says - any that do would not be good friends for you.
posted by saucysault at 7:58 PM on May 27, 2013 [7 favorites]
She just sent me another text saying she spoke to him and he said that I never mentioned Ann when I brought it up, which is not true. She is now saying I lied to her, which I did not.
You have no reason to believe she is accurately relaying what he said. Alternately, he dated her and probably deal with her exploding like this before and is trying to minimize his own involvement with her and this situation. Regardless, place no weight on what she says and assume the best of your male friend. Have no fear that people will ostracize you over HER behaviour or what she says - any that do would not be good friends for you.
posted by saucysault at 7:58 PM on May 27, 2013 [7 favorites]
Oh, and if someone doesn't accept your sincere apology and keeps complaining, they clearly didn't even want an apology in the first place. You didn't hurt her. She wanted to find a reason to be hurt. It gives her validation and a reason to talk.
When a person is hurt, they don't usually endlessly harp and exaggerate about it to everyone who can hear. When they want attention, they do.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 7:59 PM on May 27, 2013 [4 favorites]
When a person is hurt, they don't usually endlessly harp and exaggerate about it to everyone who can hear. When they want attention, they do.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 7:59 PM on May 27, 2013 [4 favorites]
As per your concern with how your social circle will view you for this, if the two of them can peacefully coexist at parties why would anyone get into a tizzy over it? There is a lot of inbreeding in social circles. To negatively affect their relationship with the larger circle they would have to do some seriously fucked up shit. The bar has to be set a little higher than "broke my heart". Boo hoo.
posted by munchingzombie at 8:03 PM on May 27, 2013
posted by munchingzombie at 8:03 PM on May 27, 2013
You didn't do anything wrong. Stop apologizing. She's a lunatic. I guarantee that everyone else in that social circle worth knowing also knows she's a lunatic and is just trying to be polite. Anyone else who doesn't indicate this in any conversations you have with them "Oh, yeah, Ann can be a little ... dramatic ..." is also not worth knowing. Ain't no one got time for lunatics or lunatic-supporters.
posted by marylynn at 8:07 PM on May 27, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by marylynn at 8:07 PM on May 27, 2013 [2 favorites]
I wouldn't worry too much over how the rest of the social circle will view you, if she says anything to them.
If Ann blew up this outrageously over such a minor misunderstanding, then odds are that this is normal behavior for her, and her closest friends will have experienced it before, and hopefully realize that her version of the story is likely not reality.
And as someone else mentioned, if they *are* inclined to take Ann's word when it comes to judging your character, then you are probably better of finding a more rational group of friends, I'm sorry.
posted by Squee at 8:08 PM on May 27, 2013
If Ann blew up this outrageously over such a minor misunderstanding, then odds are that this is normal behavior for her, and her closest friends will have experienced it before, and hopefully realize that her version of the story is likely not reality.
And as someone else mentioned, if they *are* inclined to take Ann's word when it comes to judging your character, then you are probably better of finding a more rational group of friends, I'm sorry.
posted by Squee at 8:08 PM on May 27, 2013
Response by poster: Thanks so much you guys. Though I've always thought that if a person makes an honest mistake and apologizes sincerely for it that's probably the best they can do......she was so upset that I started to question myself and wonder if there wasn't something that I was missing and maybe I should have thought harder before just trying to set this up. She says she's had a long and intimate conversation w/me in the past over what he did to her (I don't remember this at all) and any real friend would remember something so major. As she's had lots of hard times in the past, including alcohol abuse, I was really worried I had upset a fragile balance she had attained and sent her back over the edge.
And thanks to everyone for pointing out that if people judge me for this, they probably aren't good friends to begin with. I know some of her other family members better than her and they all seem to like me. I have made cakes and desserts for birthdays/celebrations/anniversaries for three different family members in the past year or so. And we're talking elaborate and multiple desserts for each party, eight layer cakes, etc, made from scratch. I have a fourth one this summer - the girlfriend of Ann's brother asked me to make cakes for his bday. So I think (hope) they know what kind of a person I am. If Ann ever brings it up to one of the brothers (she is the only sister), I like to think they would say "That doesn't really sound like something young sister beacon would do. I think you may be overreacting". So to cairdeas' suggestion, I think you're right that what they say may carry some weight, but I'll let her bring it up to them.
Strangely, she has not taken me off her facebook, which I expected her to do right away. She also has not posted any passive aggressive updates about how awful people can be (she has done in the past), so a small part of me wonders if she actually knows that I would never do anything so awful and doesn't want to make a public thing of it. If that is the case, then she's just trying to get a rise out of me privately, which is part of why I stopped responding to her.
Anyway, I think I'll just leave it for now. She seems to just be venting in all these long texts she's sending. She hasn't asked for a response. If she does, I'll send something like other people have mentioned - it was a mistake, I only wanted to see her and spend time with her, I've apologized many times, see you soon. And when I see her again, I will be polite and friendly but not be dragged into any more drawn out discussion over the matter.
I apologized to the ex-bf yesterday when I talked to him. Sorry to open up a can of worms etc. honest mistake, still think of both of them as friends, don't want to get involved and open wounds. He was understanding but seemed bummed.....like, I don't think this kind of thing is new for him.
posted by young sister beacon at 8:42 PM on May 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
And thanks to everyone for pointing out that if people judge me for this, they probably aren't good friends to begin with. I know some of her other family members better than her and they all seem to like me. I have made cakes and desserts for birthdays/celebrations/anniversaries for three different family members in the past year or so. And we're talking elaborate and multiple desserts for each party, eight layer cakes, etc, made from scratch. I have a fourth one this summer - the girlfriend of Ann's brother asked me to make cakes for his bday. So I think (hope) they know what kind of a person I am. If Ann ever brings it up to one of the brothers (she is the only sister), I like to think they would say "That doesn't really sound like something young sister beacon would do. I think you may be overreacting". So to cairdeas' suggestion, I think you're right that what they say may carry some weight, but I'll let her bring it up to them.
Strangely, she has not taken me off her facebook, which I expected her to do right away. She also has not posted any passive aggressive updates about how awful people can be (she has done in the past), so a small part of me wonders if she actually knows that I would never do anything so awful and doesn't want to make a public thing of it. If that is the case, then she's just trying to get a rise out of me privately, which is part of why I stopped responding to her.
Anyway, I think I'll just leave it for now. She seems to just be venting in all these long texts she's sending. She hasn't asked for a response. If she does, I'll send something like other people have mentioned - it was a mistake, I only wanted to see her and spend time with her, I've apologized many times, see you soon. And when I see her again, I will be polite and friendly but not be dragged into any more drawn out discussion over the matter.
I apologized to the ex-bf yesterday when I talked to him. Sorry to open up a can of worms etc. honest mistake, still think of both of them as friends, don't want to get involved and open wounds. He was understanding but seemed bummed.....like, I don't think this kind of thing is new for him.
posted by young sister beacon at 8:42 PM on May 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
Wow. She's seriously crazy, glad you found out now before you got into a real friendship! Don't reply and steer well clear now whenever possible.
posted by Jubey at 8:44 PM on May 27, 2013
posted by Jubey at 8:44 PM on May 27, 2013
Kinda sounds like she's getting off on your groveling. Obsessing over your every word, giving you the cold shoulder, using silence and emotional manipulation to make you feel as if you have done something wrong. Honestly, I don't actually think this is about you. She sounds unstable and this is the thing she chose to focus on this week instead of fixing her real problems.
posted by Lieber Frau at 8:45 PM on May 27, 2013 [5 favorites]
posted by Lieber Frau at 8:45 PM on May 27, 2013 [5 favorites]
You sound very sensible and she sounds like a total drama queen. Don't get sucked into her world.
posted by Dansaman at 8:54 PM on May 27, 2013
posted by Dansaman at 8:54 PM on May 27, 2013
Though I've always thought that if a person makes an honest mistake and apologizes sincerely for it that's probably the best they can do......she was so upset that I started to question myself and wonder if there wasn't something that I was missing and maybe I should have thought harder before just trying to set this up.
You know this is the head game she's running on you, right?
I'd step back, take a breath and disengage. This isn't about being sincerely sorry and moving on. You've done that. Now, this is about not feeding her whirlwind.
posted by bonehead at 9:25 PM on May 27, 2013 [2 favorites]
You know this is the head game she's running on you, right?
I'd step back, take a breath and disengage. This isn't about being sincerely sorry and moving on. You've done that. Now, this is about not feeding her whirlwind.
posted by bonehead at 9:25 PM on May 27, 2013 [2 favorites]
Though I've always thought that if a person makes an honest mistake and apologizes sincerely for it that's probably the best they can do......she was so upset that I started to question myself and wonder if there wasn't something that I was missing and maybe I should have thought harder before just trying to set this up.
Walking on eggshells.
posted by empath at 9:26 PM on May 27, 2013 [3 favorites]
Walking on eggshells.
posted by empath at 9:26 PM on May 27, 2013 [3 favorites]
If it was such a horrible relationship that just inviting them to the same group going to see a movie was a mortal insult, why is she talking to him (and then using that to claim you're lying about events)?
I would just say (ONCE), "Look, you go to the same events, you still talk to him, how was I supposed to know?" and then just not respond any further. Or better yet, not talk to her any further and say that to brush off folks who want the lowdown on the "scandal."
posted by clerestory at 9:29 PM on May 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
I would just say (ONCE), "Look, you go to the same events, you still talk to him, how was I supposed to know?" and then just not respond any further. Or better yet, not talk to her any further and say that to brush off folks who want the lowdown on the "scandal."
posted by clerestory at 9:29 PM on May 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
First of all, this is not "a huge misunderstanding". You committed a minor social faux-pas. Something that an average human being does about once a week. From your description, she sounds to be using the situation to create drama, and pull more people into the drama. (Seriously, she talked to her ex-bf about it?) I agree with Lieber Frau, she's probably enjoying the situation. She's going to milk this for how long you let her.
I had a family member like this. Any minor misunderstanding, or even them choosing to be hurt for really incredible reasons, like you getting a hair cut they didn't like, or being two minutes late, and the drama would go on for about two weeks.
After a time, I realized it takes two to tango, you know? And I stopped participating in the drama. When I mess up, I apologize. Once. If they want to talk about it more, I am supportive, but if they are getting dramatic, I don't engage. Now our relationship is about 1000x better.
I suggest you don't apologize to her again. Calling her in tears and leaving multiple voice mails is like saying, please please you must forgive me right now, please, or I'll die! You cannot MAKE her not be mad with you. She is allowed to not accept your apology, if she so chooses. That may sound harsh, but would you really have it otherwise? Accepting that people have the right to not want to be friends any more, and that you cannot make anyone stay friends with you, is actually liberating.
And also, I'd take a look at my relationships in general, if I were you.
For some reason, this:
And we're talking elaborate and multiple desserts for each party, eight layer cakes, etc, made from scratch.
really gave me pause.
posted by M. at 9:39 PM on May 27, 2013 [7 favorites]
I had a family member like this. Any minor misunderstanding, or even them choosing to be hurt for really incredible reasons, like you getting a hair cut they didn't like, or being two minutes late, and the drama would go on for about two weeks.
After a time, I realized it takes two to tango, you know? And I stopped participating in the drama. When I mess up, I apologize. Once. If they want to talk about it more, I am supportive, but if they are getting dramatic, I don't engage. Now our relationship is about 1000x better.
I suggest you don't apologize to her again. Calling her in tears and leaving multiple voice mails is like saying, please please you must forgive me right now, please, or I'll die! You cannot MAKE her not be mad with you. She is allowed to not accept your apology, if she so chooses. That may sound harsh, but would you really have it otherwise? Accepting that people have the right to not want to be friends any more, and that you cannot make anyone stay friends with you, is actually liberating.
And also, I'd take a look at my relationships in general, if I were you.
For some reason, this:
And we're talking elaborate and multiple desserts for each party, eight layer cakes, etc, made from scratch.
really gave me pause.
posted by M. at 9:39 PM on May 27, 2013 [7 favorites]
young sister beacon: "As she's had lots of hard times in the past, including alcohol abuse, I was really worried I had upset a fragile balance she had attained and sent her back over the edge."
I quit drinking years ago and have dealt with mental illness, both in myself and others in my family. It's not your fault if someone has these problems. It's their responsibility to deal with their own issues. It's not your fault if they don't or if their coping mechanisms aren't working for them. I would encourage anyone to act with awareness, but it's not healthy for you to feel like you're responsible for someone else's stability or well being.
posted by krinklyfig at 9:47 PM on May 27, 2013 [2 favorites]
I quit drinking years ago and have dealt with mental illness, both in myself and others in my family. It's not your fault if someone has these problems. It's their responsibility to deal with their own issues. It's not your fault if they don't or if their coping mechanisms aren't working for them. I would encourage anyone to act with awareness, but it's not healthy for you to feel like you're responsible for someone else's stability or well being.
posted by krinklyfig at 9:47 PM on May 27, 2013 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: You cannot MAKE her not be mad with you. She is allowed to not accept your apology, if she so chooses. That may sound harsh, but would you really have it otherwise? Accepting that people have the right to not want to be friends any more, and that you cannot make anyone stay friends with you, is actually liberating.
It doesn't sound harsh at all. That is what my normal, rational self also believes. But I also hang around people who are almost entirely also normal, rational people, which I think is why this behavior threw me for such a loop. I think I just expect people to act mostly reasonable so I took her at her word.
Also, should mention that I love to bake and I love to practice new ideas for cakes and whatnot. But usually if I bake I either have to find a way to transport a big, often fragile dessert to work or I'm left with a huge cake that I'll probably eat all by myself. So I volunteer to make them for parties because I can then do my experiments with new desserts but not be left with the temptation to eat the whole thing.
Off to bed now and feeling much better, thanks again for all of your responses.
posted by young sister beacon at 9:57 PM on May 27, 2013
It doesn't sound harsh at all. That is what my normal, rational self also believes. But I also hang around people who are almost entirely also normal, rational people, which I think is why this behavior threw me for such a loop. I think I just expect people to act mostly reasonable so I took her at her word.
Also, should mention that I love to bake and I love to practice new ideas for cakes and whatnot. But usually if I bake I either have to find a way to transport a big, often fragile dessert to work or I'm left with a huge cake that I'll probably eat all by myself. So I volunteer to make them for parties because I can then do my experiments with new desserts but not be left with the temptation to eat the whole thing.
Off to bed now and feeling much better, thanks again for all of your responses.
posted by young sister beacon at 9:57 PM on May 27, 2013
I agree with you that it sounds like she's venting and responding to her will do no good. I would keep doing what you're doing - you sound like you're handling it fine.
For the record, sometimes people who are very giving (it sounds like you are from the cakes), become targets for people who aren't too happy with themselves on some level.
posted by heyjude at 10:42 PM on May 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
For the record, sometimes people who are very giving (it sounds like you are from the cakes), become targets for people who aren't too happy with themselves on some level.
posted by heyjude at 10:42 PM on May 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
She just sent me another text saying she spoke to him
This has got to be a complete pack of lies. If he hurt her so horribly, why the hell would she get in contact with him? Disengage.
posted by urbanwhaleshark at 11:05 PM on May 27, 2013 [10 favorites]
This has got to be a complete pack of lies. If he hurt her so horribly, why the hell would she get in contact with him? Disengage.
posted by urbanwhaleshark at 11:05 PM on May 27, 2013 [10 favorites]
Best answer: Everyone gave you great advice, but I want to take it two steps forward, are you with me?
- You should have shut this down from the second she responded in a way that was SO opposite of Sane and Polite.
You called her back crying because you felt badly? I'll give you a hard won tip: When someone makes you feel that shitty out of the blue.... STOP. Don't go for the bait. Stop and take stock.
- I get your passion about your cakes, because I was a chef, but if you think the cakes are currency for your character, you are mistaken.
This person, Ann... I get the feeling you think she is in the hierarchy of this social circle, yes?
Yeah.... You don't need this group. If they kow tow to someone so dysfunctional, they are undoubtedly pretty dysfunctional, too. This situation is how you are finding out.
See the cakes from now on as "hobby" type-transaction, not as a way to ingratiate yourself. Take the personal out of it. You like doing the cakes for you - keep doing that. Don't attach anything more to it.
I fear that (a) you under-value yourself, and (b) these people are not who you thought they were.
I think you are throwing pearls before swine, and you might want to rethink the whole cake strategy. I doubt this extreme level of drama is an isolated incident for this group. It sounds like you have the wrong idea about your cake making, and they are phony and taking advantage of you....Your approval by the group has reached a level such that one of their Queen Bees has noticed you, and you are being vilified as part of a dynamic they all participate in.
If you want to be their latest scapegoat, continue to give the group, overall, the benefit of the doubt.
If you want to be happy, focus on other friends for the time being, and wait to see how this shakes out in terms of the group.
I advise you play it conservative and start looking for saner outlets for your cakes and friendship.
That is all.
posted by jbenben at 12:32 AM on May 28, 2013 [12 favorites]
- You should have shut this down from the second she responded in a way that was SO opposite of Sane and Polite.
You called her back crying because you felt badly? I'll give you a hard won tip: When someone makes you feel that shitty out of the blue.... STOP. Don't go for the bait. Stop and take stock.
- I get your passion about your cakes, because I was a chef, but if you think the cakes are currency for your character, you are mistaken.
This person, Ann... I get the feeling you think she is in the hierarchy of this social circle, yes?
Yeah.... You don't need this group. If they kow tow to someone so dysfunctional, they are undoubtedly pretty dysfunctional, too. This situation is how you are finding out.
See the cakes from now on as "hobby" type-transaction, not as a way to ingratiate yourself. Take the personal out of it. You like doing the cakes for you - keep doing that. Don't attach anything more to it.
I fear that (a) you under-value yourself, and (b) these people are not who you thought they were.
I think you are throwing pearls before swine, and you might want to rethink the whole cake strategy. I doubt this extreme level of drama is an isolated incident for this group. It sounds like you have the wrong idea about your cake making, and they are phony and taking advantage of you....Your approval by the group has reached a level such that one of their Queen Bees has noticed you, and you are being vilified as part of a dynamic they all participate in.
If you want to be their latest scapegoat, continue to give the group, overall, the benefit of the doubt.
If you want to be happy, focus on other friends for the time being, and wait to see how this shakes out in terms of the group.
I advise you play it conservative and start looking for saner outlets for your cakes and friendship.
That is all.
posted by jbenben at 12:32 AM on May 28, 2013 [12 favorites]
Here's how this conversation would have played out, amongst normal friends:
"Hey Ann, want to go to this thing that I'm setting up with this guy?" "Er, uh, actually that wouldn't be cool, because I dated him a long time ago, and he broke my heart. I can't really be around him in an environment like that." "Oh, Ann, I'm sorry, I forgot all about that." "It's okay, don't worry about it."
And then you have the event anyway, but Ann doesn't show up.
By way of comparison, your friend's behavior reminds me of an ex-acquaintance of mine who's been diagnosed with PTSD*. Her particular modus operandi was simple: she was very nice, very pleasant, very normal if a bit shy, but if you did anything, anything at all that she didn't like, she would burn down all the forests of the earth to turn everyone else against you, while simultaneously accusing you over and over and over of burning down all the forests of the earth to harm her.
In short: your mistake was insignificant and should have been brushed away with a few words, the guy being okay with canceling due to Ann's behavior probably has a lot of experience with her doing this and knows you did nothing wrong, and next time don't cancel the party -- just cancel your friendship with anyone who behaves this way, and move on (or wait for her to focus her flamethrower on someone else, then start hanging out with everybody else again, depending on the social hierarchy.)
Oh, and you owe her nothing, not even a text or a phone call. This is "raise your hands and slowly back away" territory.
*note: I am not saying your friend has PTSD
posted by davejay at 2:18 AM on May 28, 2013 [9 favorites]
"Hey Ann, want to go to this thing that I'm setting up with this guy?" "Er, uh, actually that wouldn't be cool, because I dated him a long time ago, and he broke my heart. I can't really be around him in an environment like that." "Oh, Ann, I'm sorry, I forgot all about that." "It's okay, don't worry about it."
And then you have the event anyway, but Ann doesn't show up.
By way of comparison, your friend's behavior reminds me of an ex-acquaintance of mine who's been diagnosed with PTSD*. Her particular modus operandi was simple: she was very nice, very pleasant, very normal if a bit shy, but if you did anything, anything at all that she didn't like, she would burn down all the forests of the earth to turn everyone else against you, while simultaneously accusing you over and over and over of burning down all the forests of the earth to harm her.
In short: your mistake was insignificant and should have been brushed away with a few words, the guy being okay with canceling due to Ann's behavior probably has a lot of experience with her doing this and knows you did nothing wrong, and next time don't cancel the party -- just cancel your friendship with anyone who behaves this way, and move on (or wait for her to focus her flamethrower on someone else, then start hanging out with everybody else again, depending on the social hierarchy.)
Oh, and you owe her nothing, not even a text or a phone call. This is "raise your hands and slowly back away" territory.
*note: I am not saying your friend has PTSD
posted by davejay at 2:18 AM on May 28, 2013 [9 favorites]
Oh, by the way: if the rest of those people put up with her crap, their standards aren't very high, and even people with very very very high standards will swoon at a plate of homemade cookies, never mind the big elaborate stuff. Go share your foodstuffs with people who deserve it.
posted by davejay at 2:21 AM on May 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by davejay at 2:21 AM on May 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
*note: I am not saying your friend has PTSD
I'd guess she does. I briefly dated a girl who acted out this way and have seen a girl with BPD put one of my friends through this, and in both cases they were the victims of repeated trauma and abuse from multiple people when they were young and had severe abandonment issues because of it. Everyone they knew was either on their side and utterly amazing or against them and pure evil, and if they liked you and thought you were moving even an inch away from them, they would lay waste to everything around you to prevent it.
I seriously bleed for them. They suffer more than most people, and there is almost nothing that you can do for them if you want to stay sane and healthy.
posted by empath at 2:35 AM on May 28, 2013 [9 favorites]
I'd guess she does. I briefly dated a girl who acted out this way and have seen a girl with BPD put one of my friends through this, and in both cases they were the victims of repeated trauma and abuse from multiple people when they were young and had severe abandonment issues because of it. Everyone they knew was either on their side and utterly amazing or against them and pure evil, and if they liked you and thought you were moving even an inch away from them, they would lay waste to everything around you to prevent it.
I seriously bleed for them. They suffer more than most people, and there is almost nothing that you can do for them if you want to stay sane and healthy.
posted by empath at 2:35 AM on May 28, 2013 [9 favorites]
If she keeps texting you with increased dramacrazytalk, I'd be tempted to text back with something like, "So, your relationship with Joe... Yeah, it's kinda clear why he ended things now. Please don't contact me again." It's not your responsibility, sure, but it wouldn't be beyond the pale to suggest that the way she behaves could be driving people away.
posted by Jubey at 2:36 AM on May 28, 2013
posted by Jubey at 2:36 AM on May 28, 2013
"So, your relationship with Joe... Yeah, it's kinda clear why he ended things now. Please don't contact me again."
Worst possible thing you can do. She will take any contact as an excuse to escalate, and she will go further than you are willing to.
posted by empath at 2:39 AM on May 28, 2013 [7 favorites]
Worst possible thing you can do. She will take any contact as an excuse to escalate, and she will go further than you are willing to.
posted by empath at 2:39 AM on May 28, 2013 [7 favorites]
She just sent me another text saying she spoke to him
After having told you how awful a person you are for trying to arrange a group viewing of a movie, an activity where people don't even talk to each other because they're watching the movie? Come. On.
I would like to maintain the good relationships with all our other friends but if she is going to smear my name, that's hard.
You made multiple references in this post to things she's done in the past that alienate people. I think your mutual friends and her family know how easy it is to trigger drama with her. You did. Your anxiety may be causing you to overestimate this risk.
posted by solotoro at 2:43 AM on May 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
After having told you how awful a person you are for trying to arrange a group viewing of a movie, an activity where people don't even talk to each other because they're watching the movie? Come. On.
I would like to maintain the good relationships with all our other friends but if she is going to smear my name, that's hard.
You made multiple references in this post to things she's done in the past that alienate people. I think your mutual friends and her family know how easy it is to trigger drama with her. You did. Your anxiety may be causing you to overestimate this risk.
posted by solotoro at 2:43 AM on May 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
For the record, when she didn't respond to your first reply with a, "No, I'm really sorry, I completely overreacted and it's nothing to do with you," but instead blasted more crazy at you, your reply could have been:
Stop accusing and blaming me right now.
And if she replied to that with even more crazy, your response could have been:
[crickets /]
And if she replied to that with *even* moar crazy, your response could have been:
[block /] [block /] [block /] [delete /] [block /]
For the record, if you brought an eight-layer elaborately decorated cake to within a hundred feet of me, I would be loyal to you no matter what you did, you could start a fist fight, challenge me to a duel, God bless you for showing up. My only response would be "Sry I cant rspnd wth m' mouf fll f cake". Ann doesn't seem to know she's born.
posted by tel3path at 3:04 AM on May 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
Stop accusing and blaming me right now.
And if she replied to that with even more crazy, your response could have been:
[crickets /]
And if she replied to that with *even* moar crazy, your response could have been:
[block /] [block /] [block /] [delete /] [block /]
For the record, if you brought an eight-layer elaborately decorated cake to within a hundred feet of me, I would be loyal to you no matter what you did, you could start a fist fight, challenge me to a duel, God bless you for showing up. My only response would be "Sry I cant rspnd wth m' mouf fll f cake". Ann doesn't seem to know she's born.
posted by tel3path at 3:04 AM on May 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
Grasshopper.... you have completed your first lesson in dingbat recognition. I am proud of you. It will serve you well as you wander the world. The dingbat is a clever beast, takes many forms and appears unexpectedly. As you know now, the only defense is not to fight it, but observe it. Its wild movements will be self-destructive if you are patient. Next lesson will be to learn to see it quickly and from a distance.
posted by FauxScot at 3:47 AM on May 28, 2013 [5 favorites]
posted by FauxScot at 3:47 AM on May 28, 2013 [5 favorites]
Whew! What a Drama Llama!
Let this one go. For now, block her updates from your Facebook feed (don't defriend her, that would be a whole 'nother source of drama.)
Go to the movie, and discuss what happened with no one.
Either she'll kick up the flames, or it'll all die down.
Now as for you, don't feed the Drama Llama. "I'm sorry, I didn't know you felt that way." is all that was required.
And I wouldn't hang with her anymore, she sounds like a real head-case.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 7:10 AM on May 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
Let this one go. For now, block her updates from your Facebook feed (don't defriend her, that would be a whole 'nother source of drama.)
Go to the movie, and discuss what happened with no one.
Either she'll kick up the flames, or it'll all die down.
Now as for you, don't feed the Drama Llama. "I'm sorry, I didn't know you felt that way." is all that was required.
And I wouldn't hang with her anymore, she sounds like a real head-case.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 7:10 AM on May 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
By way of comparison, your friend's behavior reminds me of an ex-acquaintance of mine who's been diagnosed with PTSD*. Her particular modus operandi was simple: she was very nice, very pleasant, very normal if a bit shy, but if you did anything, anything at all that she didn't like, she would burn down all the forests of the earth to turn everyone else against you, while simultaneously accusing you over and over and over of burning down all the forests of the earth to harm her.
I think a more charitable explanation is: sometimes people with trauma react more strongly to situations or feelings that involve the person who has traumatized them. This is often very different.
If this guy was actually abusive, and she felt like she had unburdened herself to you about it, then yes, I would think you had done wrong in being so friendly with this guy in the first place, and secondly for trying to set up an interaction with her involved. Because she confronted him on the phone does not mean he is not abusive. This guy does not sound like a prince just because she is freaking out. If anything, it's the opposite - he dated her, he presumably knows how she feels about him, yet when you mentioned Ann he said nothing.
You didn't remember that she was very hurt by this. It's not a crime, but it does mean you don't like her very much, or it would have been important to you to remember these things. She may be acting in reaction to that - that you can't like her very much if you forget the intimate conversations that meant a lot to her.
posted by corb at 7:20 AM on May 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
I think a more charitable explanation is: sometimes people with trauma react more strongly to situations or feelings that involve the person who has traumatized them. This is often very different.
If this guy was actually abusive, and she felt like she had unburdened herself to you about it, then yes, I would think you had done wrong in being so friendly with this guy in the first place, and secondly for trying to set up an interaction with her involved. Because she confronted him on the phone does not mean he is not abusive. This guy does not sound like a prince just because she is freaking out. If anything, it's the opposite - he dated her, he presumably knows how she feels about him, yet when you mentioned Ann he said nothing.
You didn't remember that she was very hurt by this. It's not a crime, but it does mean you don't like her very much, or it would have been important to you to remember these things. She may be acting in reaction to that - that you can't like her very much if you forget the intimate conversations that meant a lot to her.
posted by corb at 7:20 AM on May 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
You didn't remember that she was very hurt by this. It's not a crime, but it does mean you don't like her very much, or it would have been important to you to remember these things. She may be acting in reaction to that - that you can't like her very much if you forget the intimate conversations that meant a lot to her.
I would like to point out that the OP at no point said she and Ann had a conversation about this dude. This is what the OP said:
If I would have stopped to think about it, I would have remembered that they used to date and if I had thought about it more, I might have remembered when she had posted something once a long time ago (9-12 months?) about having a hard time with it.
If I don't remember something a casual acquaintance posted (on facebook, perhaps?) nearly a year ago, does that mean I'm a bad friend? Uh...
posted by phunniemee at 7:33 AM on May 28, 2013 [8 favorites]
I would like to point out that the OP at no point said she and Ann had a conversation about this dude. This is what the OP said:
If I would have stopped to think about it, I would have remembered that they used to date and if I had thought about it more, I might have remembered when she had posted something once a long time ago (9-12 months?) about having a hard time with it.
If I don't remember something a casual acquaintance posted (on facebook, perhaps?) nearly a year ago, does that mean I'm a bad friend? Uh...
posted by phunniemee at 7:33 AM on May 28, 2013 [8 favorites]
It's an innocent blunder that Ann is trying to make you feel super guilty about. You apologized and that's all you can do. Since you all have mutual friends, it's going to always be a possibility that Ann will hear about her ex or even see him. Then what? Is she going to have a meltdown every time? She needs to be venting to a therapist and not to you. Not your fault. Focus instead on the friendships you value and want to nurture.
posted by lawgirl at 7:45 AM on May 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by lawgirl at 7:45 AM on May 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
Seriously consider empath's advice re: BPD upthread - he's spot on, in my opinion. Maybe have a skim of some support forums like bpdfamily.com, Ann's behaviour is textbook stuff. Either way, I strongly advise against pursuing a friendship with her.
posted by nicolas léonard sadi carnot at 8:36 AM on May 28, 2013
posted by nicolas léonard sadi carnot at 8:36 AM on May 28, 2013
"I've apologised. I refuse to continue engaging in this with you." And dont respond to anything else she says about the subject.
If anyone in your social group brings it up, i'd respond with an eye roll and a quick shake of the head and move on. Not engaging also means not playing the game through other players.
posted by windykites at 8:43 AM on May 28, 2013 [3 favorites]
If anyone in your social group brings it up, i'd respond with an eye roll and a quick shake of the head and move on. Not engaging also means not playing the game through other players.
posted by windykites at 8:43 AM on May 28, 2013 [3 favorites]
It's quite likely that others in the group recognize that she's a loose cannon. Are you all on facebook? Consider posting Friend, I'm so sorry I invited your ex-bf to a group event; how could I have forgotten that? Sending a big hug so the group will have some idea of what's up if she starts slagging you. Since it sounds like you don't want to burn bridges with her for strategic reasons, I'd reply to 1 in every 3 - 4 of her texts with something like Friend, I'm so sorry I invited ex-bf to event; I think discussing this in person is the best idea. Text it verbatim each time. If you talk to other members of the group, something like, Oh, this is just awful. I made a foolish mistake, and it's grown to monstrous proportions. I do hope crazygirl will forgive me Be solicitous about her, but don't add any fuel to the drama, although I'd probably add the occasional What in the world did he do to her; it must have been just terrible.
Drama queens & kings are a pain in the ass.
posted by theora55 at 9:59 AM on May 28, 2013
Drama queens & kings are a pain in the ass.
posted by theora55 at 9:59 AM on May 28, 2013
Don't be friends with people thath make it that hard to be their friend. Dump Ann.
posted by WeekendJen at 10:22 AM on May 28, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by WeekendJen at 10:22 AM on May 28, 2013 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Thanks again everyone. After a few more texts at the beginning of the week which I didn't reply to, I didn't hear from her again until today when she texted me to apologize and say that the relationship with him is a very sore spot but that I'm a nice person and she knows I would never do anything like what she was accusing me of. I have had one of the busiest and most stressful weeks ever at work and today was the worst of it, so I didn't even have time to think about the text, much less respond, until now. I'll probably respond to accept her apology at some point (as I will definitely see her around again in the future) and leave it at that because I don't want to get into a big open-your-heart conversation with her. I also won't be pursuing any kind of a deeper friendship with her. Thanks again for all of your great advice.
posted by young sister beacon at 6:11 PM on May 31, 2013 [4 favorites]
posted by young sister beacon at 6:11 PM on May 31, 2013 [4 favorites]
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Even if, god forbid, this guy had abused her, had done horrible things to her, was a total monster of a person... the rational response from her would be to say "I can't be around that guy and I'm hurt that you didn't remember that fact." But that isn't what she did. Her response is highly irrational.
YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. Relax.
posted by showbiz_liz at 7:30 PM on May 27, 2013 [101 favorites]