Should I switch doctors because his assistant makes me uncomfortable?
May 26, 2013 9:39 AM   Subscribe

I like my specialist doctor. However, he has an assistant/nurse who makes me feel uncomfortable, although nothing she has done is explicitly unprofessional - I just find her creepy and unnerving. What should I do?

Over the course of several weeks I have had four or five appointments with a specialist doctor for a non-life-threatening health issue (think knee surgery). I really like the doctor and feel comfortable with him. However, there is a nurse/assistant in his practice that I always come into contact with that makes me feel very uncomfortable. The problem is, I can't really put my finger on anything she does that is outright unprofessional, it's just that she kind of gives me the creeps.

I know, that's really not helpful, but I can't really specifically describe what she does to discomfit me other than to say she seems to often be staring at me, attempting to make prolonged eye contact with me unnecessarily and smiling in inappropriate situations. She often stays in the room when I am speaking with the doctor, and her presence distracts me from focusing on my discussion with the doctor about my treatment. Once, when she was taking me back to the treatment room, she was looking at me so intently and smiling so strangely that I actually asked her, "is everything okay?" She didn't even respond, just kept smiling, which creeped me out further.

I am not the kind of person who is easily made to feel uncomfortable by others, I don't have any social anxiety issues and am not particulary shy, but I feel uncomfortable enough with the situation that I am considering switching doctors, but this seems silly in light of the fact that I'm otherwise satisfied with this doctor.

I think my options are either to:

a) Switch doctors.

b) Tell the doctor outright that his nurse creeps me out. But given my lack of solid examples other than the admittedly flimsy-sounding "but she looks at me funny!" this seems a little heavy-handed... and really, what is he realistically going to be able to do about it? On the other hand, if she makes others feel uncomfortable then she might potentially be driving patients away from his practice.

c) Get over it - if I'm honest, that's not very likely. I might actually be the weird one here, fine, but that doesn't change how this woman makes me feel.

What course of action should I take? Any other ideas?
posted by ladybird to Human Relations (13 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
 
Best answer: Two things I would consider in deciding:

1. How hard will it be to find another specialist of this type? Could switching doctors delay your treatment, and is it likely to impact your quality of care? (ie, if you live in a smaller city and are seeing the best orthopaedic surgeon in town, a switch might not be a good choice, because who are you going to go to instead?) Also, if you really feel great about the doctor--that's often hard to find.

2. Is the creepy assistant involved in your treatment in any way? If she is responsible for doing small procedures (blood draws? anything?) then maybe you should go with your gut on this one and switch doctors, regardless of extra wait times.

If you decide to stay with the doctor, definitely do what you need to do to make sure you can at minimum focus on your discussions. It should be perfectly fine to say to the doctor (or to the clinic admin, if there is someone other than the creepy person available) that you feel uncomfortable having an extra person observing your appointments, and you would prefer to meet with the doctor alone if possible. I think just asking not to have an extra person there would go over better than saying outright that you find the assistant creepy, and it might even be more effective.
posted by snorkmaiden at 9:55 AM on May 26, 2013


I have this problem with my endocrinologist. In my area, it is extremely hard to find someone who doesn't want to just throw Synthroid at you and walk away, so I can't really switch at this point. Her assistant is really abrasive and uncouth; (as an example among many: I had an appointment about a week and a half after my dad died and she, during intake, asked if there were any life events which might be contributing to my overall stress levels, etc. When I mentioned my father died a week ago, she shouted "Bummer!")

What I have done is asked the front desk to have someone else do the intake, etc. I cited the above example. The front desk has never put me with her again. Is your nurse in training for something? Is this why she is always hanging around and staring intently? She might be trying to absorb as much clinical practice experience as possible, but that is not your problem.

What you might do is just tell the doctor or front desk in the case of discussing medical issues that you prefer to be alone with the doctor in the room, or, if they will not do that in that practice, that you are just not comfortable with that nurse. You do not have to say why. Just say it. They don't have to know. They may ask if she did something, but you can just say, no, I am just not comfortable.
posted by oflinkey at 10:07 AM on May 26, 2013 [7 favorites]


Just get over it. It's a good skill to develop to not let small things turn into big things.
posted by esprit de l'escalier at 10:10 AM on May 26, 2013 [3 favorites]


Best answer: I think it's worth mentioning to whomever seems in charge of the front desk (or your doc). Quite often you find out that your complaint amplifies what they've heard from others. She may be making lots of patients uncomfortable and the practice needs to know that.
posted by thinkpiece at 10:12 AM on May 26, 2013 [11 favorites]


Is it possible she finds you attractive? If you in a relationship, make a point of mentioning them next time you see this doctor.

I mean, not that it is acceptable to attempt to flirt with your boss' patients, but maybe she doesn't realize she's doing it or is one of those people who turns into an idiot around someone she finds attractive.

I, personally, wouldn't change doctors if your treatment otherwise is fine, but I hate shopping around for doctors, so this might be a deal-breaker for you.
posted by SuperSquirrel at 10:36 AM on May 26, 2013 [1 favorite]


It's possible that the assistant may have some kind of issue with interpersonal relations. Think Asperger's or something like that. Don't look at her as being inappropriate with you, think of her as just not that good with interacting with other humans. Does that make you feel better about it?

My doctor has Asperger's. It took a bit of getting used to, but Husbunny and I adore him now.

Don't be so self-conscious, it may be the way she is with everyone? Have you ever said anything to her? "Hey, I notice that you seem to stare at me and it makes me uncomfortable, is that something you can work on?" Or say nothing, either way, is it really such a big deal?
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 10:51 AM on May 26, 2013 [2 favorites]


she was looking at me so intently and smiling so strangely that I actually asked her, "is everything okay?" She didn't even respond, just kept smiling, which creeped me out further.

That is quite creepy. It's also unprofessional. Part of her job is to maintain a demeanour appropriate to the context of the work environment -- and in this case, she has an extra duty of care to self-monitor her affect, since she is in a healing profession, and has a certain amount of power over those under her care (you are vulnerable, and counting on her to help).

Do feel free to speak plainly to your physician.

My brother and his wife have a private practice, and I know they appreciate it when their patients give them feedback on staff. Doctors need to know this stuff to make sure they give you the best care possible.

Based on your wording in this AskMe, I'm confident you will be able to express yourself diplomatically to your doctor. Please do.
posted by nacho fries at 10:54 AM on May 26, 2013 [3 favorites]


Could you ask the doctor if there is another nurse/assistant you could work with instead of her, since she makes you uncomfortable?
posted by medusa at 11:08 AM on May 26, 2013 [1 favorite]


And it might make you feel better to think of offering your input in terms of its potential positive impact on this woman's professional development. It may be that all she needs from her employer is a little tactful guidance and instruction on how to behave more appropriately. Focus on the behavior, not her worth as a person -- she could be a truly excellent person who just has some behaviors that need adjusting.

I used to have a really intense gaze, myself, and it was getting input from others that led me to adjust. I would hazard that it's one of the reasons my professional life has improved over the years. If no one had spoken up, I might've been befuddled as to why I was getting odd reactions from my colleagues and clients.
posted by nacho fries at 11:53 AM on May 26, 2013 [1 favorite]


I also thought Aspergers immediately, like she might know people are supposed to look each other in the eye and smile and maybe she figures the more of that, the better. Or, it could be that she's losing her vision? Obviously we have no idea but would you feel less weird if you found out it was just something like that? I don't see the harm in talking to your doctor because he might just be able to tell you what is going on with her and it might not be anything weird.
posted by cairdeas at 4:03 PM on May 26, 2013


I also would attribute this to something like Aspergers.

However, she is in a position of power over you and you feel unsafe because this kind of thing is against the social rules for a reason, and you don't actually know what's behind it.

Is there another nurse there that you like, and could you say "and could I possibly be seen by Nurse Zelda? She males me feel so [reassure, whatever]."

But if they insist you have to be seen by Nurse Betty, tell them you're uncomfortable for the reasons laid out here. They may say "nurse Betty has Aspergers and sometimes doesn't know how much eye contact is too much" and then you'll know. Or they might say "you'll put up with Nurse Betty and like her or else," in which case you maybe should look for a new practice even if it's hard to find...
posted by tel3path at 4:12 PM on May 26, 2013


she might know people are supposed to look each other in the eye and smile and maybe she figures the more of that, the better

Ooh, that is a really good point -- it might even be that she was recently advised to make *more* eye contact and smile more because she was coming across as too aloof, and she's now over-correcting.
posted by nacho fries at 7:02 PM on May 26, 2013 [1 favorite]


I had major knee surgery (ACL) 17 years ago and comfort/confidence with the doctor was beyond huge.

(Everything went well; he was great before, during and after the operation; no problems with said knee since then; and I'm getting old, too.)

I'd let the weirdness ride, be really, really glad I found a great doctor.

I've met people whose knee surgeries didn't go so well, and it made a serious problem a lot worse for a long time.
posted by ambient2 at 11:53 PM on May 26, 2013


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