I have had over a year of ups and downs with a friend who I have feelings for. We've always become CLOSE to being together but never quite. I still have feelings for him and I don't know what to do to finally resolve this issue. Please help me.
posted by impactsmoothie to Human Relations (57 answers total) 8 users marked this as a favorite
I have a close friend who I fell in love with. He’s three years younger than I and he’s graduating college in a couple weeks. It’s been a roller coaster of emotions ever since feelings happened. About a year and a half ago I started developing feelings for him and he had feelings for me as well. He told a mutual friend that he had feelings for me, but he never had told me directly, even when I mustered up courage to tell him I had feelings for him too. He told me he just wanted to be friends, even though he showed other signs.
I tried cutting him off and ending our friendship, but we’re in the same social circles and we know so many of the same people that it was never something that lasted more than one or two months.
Back in November, he told me he was serious about another girl. He only met this girl in person once, and had spoken to her on skype, phone, text, etc. She lives in TX. I was upset. He said he didn’t understand why I was so upset. I had to spell it out that I still had feelings for him. I tried doing the space and no contact thing with him and it lasted a couple months. But we ALWAYS end up missing eachother and coming back as friends. And this time it was harder to not speak because we work together (he applied to work as an intern in my office).
A few months ago, on Valentine's Day, we had dinner after work (as friends), and he drove me back to my car. We hugged for a very long time. Then he asked me if he could kiss me. I said yes, and we kissed for the first time. It was actually my very first kiss (yes, at 25. I guess I'm a late bloomer). He told me he had feelings for me and our friends were right all along, that we were going to end up together. We were sitting there blissfully and smiling and wishing the night would never end. I was SO happy that things finally came full circle. So happy, especially after all the drama, rejection and heartbreak the past year.
The next day he called me and told me he took it all back. He said he's not ready for a relationship, but one day, when he is...maybe I'll be the one. I was so heartbroken, but I told him if he has issues to work through, that's okay. I understand. I was still really sad, though. Having my first kiss and feeling so happy and then having it all taken back.
A few days later, he called to tell me he was back with TX girl. Of course, during Valentine’s Day they had long fizzled out and were over (he didn’t cheat on her with me). But they suddenly wanted to try again. That was IT for me. I couldn't handle it. I was so upset. We had no contact after that.
Then finally, a month and half ago, we had a meeting with an organization we both volunteer for. After not speaking sine the V-day incident, he had stayed after the meeting to help me clean and we made small talk. He also made a move on me. I stopped him and asked him if he was still with her. He said he wasn't with anyone. He wanted me. I said we really need to talk. We talked for hours about how he hurt me and how this situation has been a messed up roller coaster. He apologized and said he was because he had a fear of commitment. He said if we got together, it could get so deep. He says he can see me and him married and having a fun life together, but if things didn't work out between us it would mess up our social circles, our reputations, friendships, etc, because we're so deeply intertwined. He was afraid. I told him to not be afraid, and we’ll never know if we don’t try. He said he was down to try with me. We made a promise to try it out. And we kissed very romantically and touched a little more. It was pretty intense and passionate.
Next day (sigh, sorry this is getting so repetitive), he called me and told me what a horrible day he had (a lot of things went wrong, he got two speeding tickets, didn't get into the med school of his choice, got in trouble at school, got in trouble with his mother, etc). This time, I said look, if you are having so much stress in your life, maybe now is not the right time for us to start a relationship? He agreed and apologized. He said he really wanted to try with me and wanted to be with me. I encouraged him to focus on himself and fixing all the situations he was in and told him I'm here if he needs me.
The next day, we had another talk about things and he said the best version he liked of me is his best friend version and that he loves me as friend. He says he doesn't see a romantic future between us because everytime there are feelings involved when it comes to us, there is always drama. I told him that the drama is because we always are almost there, but never quite. But I said I respected his wishes and I value him as a friend, too, so I want to try to make it work between us as friends. He was so happy and asked me to tell him ways that he can help be more sensitive to my feelings so I don't get hurt. I told him to just be completely open, honest, and mature about things, and I will too. He agreed.
I was doing well in trying to be happy with just being friends...until last night.
Last night, he told me he misses the TX girl again and still likes her. He said he had to be honest with me and let me know that he wanted to try to pursue the other girl once again. I told him I appreciate he told me. But after I got off the phone with him, I cried myself to sleep. I still have feelings for him. What’s wrong with me? I don’t know why. I think it's because he's my first love.
I don't know what to do. Should I just stay quiet, suck it up, and just be a friend? If so, how? Or should I tell him goodbye, forever this time?
I know I might sound like a real idiot, but this is my first love. I know I'm not a teenager, I'm in my mid-20s, but I don't have much experience with relationships. I need help and I don't know the best way to go about this. I would really appreciate any help and experience you all have. Thank you!