Is this where I communicate with him, or give him space?
May 14, 2013 12:40 AM Subscribe
The guy I've been dating is pulling away, and I need some help wading through the conflicting 'wisdom'.
We've been dating each other, exclusively, since the week after Easter. We met online and he contacted me first. Initially, he pursued me very enthusiastically, with multiple calls, emails and texts every day. He was overseas for business at that time, but once he returned we went on three fantastic dates in one week.
Since then, he has been out of town for work nearly half the time. At first, he bent over backwards to stay in touch, calling me late at night for long chats. Lately, this has tailed off a lot. Last week, he went on holiday by himself (something he had booked before we met), and did not even call to say goodbye the night before he left. I also found out yesterday that he was back in town for a day and a half before he even contacted me. I know he spent time with his mother for Mother's Day, and with his daughter, which is totally fine, but not even dropping me a text to say 'Hi, I'm back' is just hurtful. When he did call last night, he acted as if everything was totally normal; however, he didn't suggest catching up.
He is 47 and I am 40. He and his wife have just completed the separation process, after living separate lives in the same house for 10 years. He moved into his own place only a month ago. He has a very busy life and an extremely high-pressure job, but I am inclined to think that the fact that he was married for 26 years is the bigger issue. His dating profile says (and he told me) that he is looking for something long-term, but surely someone needs (at least) a few months by themselves to process the breakup of such a long marriage?
When we spend time together, he is extremely kind and considerate, and we are (or used to be) so comfortable with each other...but that time has trailed off to almost nothing. We used to bounce off each others' sense of humor and have a great laugh, but last night when he called I was so tense from all the bottled-up anger and uncertainty that I just couldn't enjoy talking with him.
The question is: do I tell him how I'm feeling (shut-out and neglected, basically), and that I'd like to spend more time together? Or do I let him rubber-band, or whatever the expression is, and see if he bounces back? I am happy to give him some space to deal with a really difficult time in his life, but I don't want to waste my time if he's already checked out. I keep getting totally conflicting advice from friends and online and from relationship books, and...argh.
So which is it: tell him what I want, or leave him be and see if he comes back in his own time??
We've been dating each other, exclusively, since the week after Easter. We met online and he contacted me first. Initially, he pursued me very enthusiastically, with multiple calls, emails and texts every day. He was overseas for business at that time, but once he returned we went on three fantastic dates in one week.
Since then, he has been out of town for work nearly half the time. At first, he bent over backwards to stay in touch, calling me late at night for long chats. Lately, this has tailed off a lot. Last week, he went on holiday by himself (something he had booked before we met), and did not even call to say goodbye the night before he left. I also found out yesterday that he was back in town for a day and a half before he even contacted me. I know he spent time with his mother for Mother's Day, and with his daughter, which is totally fine, but not even dropping me a text to say 'Hi, I'm back' is just hurtful. When he did call last night, he acted as if everything was totally normal; however, he didn't suggest catching up.
He is 47 and I am 40. He and his wife have just completed the separation process, after living separate lives in the same house for 10 years. He moved into his own place only a month ago. He has a very busy life and an extremely high-pressure job, but I am inclined to think that the fact that he was married for 26 years is the bigger issue. His dating profile says (and he told me) that he is looking for something long-term, but surely someone needs (at least) a few months by themselves to process the breakup of such a long marriage?
When we spend time together, he is extremely kind and considerate, and we are (or used to be) so comfortable with each other...but that time has trailed off to almost nothing. We used to bounce off each others' sense of humor and have a great laugh, but last night when he called I was so tense from all the bottled-up anger and uncertainty that I just couldn't enjoy talking with him.
The question is: do I tell him how I'm feeling (shut-out and neglected, basically), and that I'd like to spend more time together? Or do I let him rubber-band, or whatever the expression is, and see if he bounces back? I am happy to give him some space to deal with a really difficult time in his life, but I don't want to waste my time if he's already checked out. I keep getting totally conflicting advice from friends and online and from relationship books, and...argh.
So which is it: tell him what I want, or leave him be and see if he comes back in his own time??
It sounds like he's just not into a relationship right now, which is totally understandable.
posted by empath at 12:45 AM on May 14, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by empath at 12:45 AM on May 14, 2013 [2 favorites]
You're 40. He's 47. You absolutely need to communicate like an adult and expect no less than the same of him.
I'm feeling shut-out and neglected and I'd like better contact from you and to spend more time together. I am happy to give you space to deal with a really difficult time in your life, but I don't want to waste my time if you're already checked out.
...is a perfectly reasonable thing to say, even in an email (not in a text.)
You've been dating for a month. Unless you have explicitly agreed otherwise, you should continue to date other people.
posted by DarlingBri at 12:48 AM on May 14, 2013 [4 favorites]
I'm feeling shut-out and neglected and I'd like better contact from you and to spend more time together. I am happy to give you space to deal with a really difficult time in your life, but I don't want to waste my time if you're already checked out.
...is a perfectly reasonable thing to say, even in an email (not in a text.)
You've been dating for a month. Unless you have explicitly agreed otherwise, you should continue to date other people.
posted by DarlingBri at 12:48 AM on May 14, 2013 [4 favorites]
As far as what you should do, I think the right answer is nothing. If you put a bunch of pressure on him, he'll either back away completely or possibly give into it and pay more attention to you for a while, but he'll resent it. If you let him do his own thing, he'll probably continue drifting away, but maybe if you keep it casual for a while, he'll come around. I wouldn't pin your hopes on this guy, though.
posted by empath at 12:49 AM on May 14, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by empath at 12:49 AM on May 14, 2013 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Uh, sorry - I realize this doesn't bode well for threadsitting and I promise to butt out after this, but to pre-empt the 'he's not ready' answers: I agree. I think he thought he was, and now has been hit much harder emotionally than he expected. The question is: what to do, right now?
DarlingBri: We have explicitly agreed to be exclusive - at his request. That's not negotiable for either of us.
posted by Salamander at 12:52 AM on May 14, 2013
DarlingBri: We have explicitly agreed to be exclusive - at his request. That's not negotiable for either of us.
posted by Salamander at 12:52 AM on May 14, 2013
Up until a month ago he's been living in the same house as his wife of 26 years?
My stab in the dark of a guess is that when you met, he was way more comfortable with this idea of being in a stable LTR than playing the field. That would be a more familiar setup.
However, now that he is out, and on his own, I would wager that he wants to try dating and sex with a variety of women.
When you feel like someone has checked out, if you play the cool, independent girlfriend even if that's not how you really feel, it seems like the outcome usually is just that you waste a lot of your own time. Not only wasting time that you could have spent with someone who really wants to be with you, but just wasting that time feeling uneasy and hurt rather than being happy.
I think you guys need to talk about this. I think the best way is to bring it up and be frank. Tell him the nosedive in communication around his solo trip and in general has you feeling like he is pulling back. Ask him if his feelings have changed.
And if he says no, just be honest with yourself about whether or not it rings true. You may need to cut the cord on this one without him being frank about anything.
posted by cairdeas at 12:53 AM on May 14, 2013 [18 favorites]
My stab in the dark of a guess is that when you met, he was way more comfortable with this idea of being in a stable LTR than playing the field. That would be a more familiar setup.
However, now that he is out, and on his own, I would wager that he wants to try dating and sex with a variety of women.
When you feel like someone has checked out, if you play the cool, independent girlfriend even if that's not how you really feel, it seems like the outcome usually is just that you waste a lot of your own time. Not only wasting time that you could have spent with someone who really wants to be with you, but just wasting that time feeling uneasy and hurt rather than being happy.
I think you guys need to talk about this. I think the best way is to bring it up and be frank. Tell him the nosedive in communication around his solo trip and in general has you feeling like he is pulling back. Ask him if his feelings have changed.
And if he says no, just be honest with yourself about whether or not it rings true. You may need to cut the cord on this one without him being frank about anything.
posted by cairdeas at 12:53 AM on May 14, 2013 [18 favorites]
Oh man, for some reason, my mind was picturing Easter as being a year ago, rather than a month ago. So I was picturing a pretty different scenario.
So I double down on this: now that he is out, and on his own, I would wager that he wants to try dating and sex with a variety of women;
and would also say that because this is a month-long relationship, rather than a relationship of over a year, if he's pulling away already, chances are close to nil that you guys are going to have an LTR. He may keep you on the hook on and off if you allow that.
posted by cairdeas at 12:57 AM on May 14, 2013 [2 favorites]
So I double down on this: now that he is out, and on his own, I would wager that he wants to try dating and sex with a variety of women;
and would also say that because this is a month-long relationship, rather than a relationship of over a year, if he's pulling away already, chances are close to nil that you guys are going to have an LTR. He may keep you on the hook on and off if you allow that.
posted by cairdeas at 12:57 AM on May 14, 2013 [2 favorites]
I think the other question is, if you didn't say anything, what else would you be doing in the meantime? Would you be stewing? Moving on? Mourning what could have been? Somehow hitting the "pause" button? I'm not recommending any of these things, but it's worth asking yourself.
I think you should bring it up, using language similar to what you've used in the post. If he was oblivious to how you're feeling but does still want to be in a relationship, it lets him know what's going on with you and gives him an opportunity to respond. If you're reading his behaviour correctly and he is pulling away, and talking about it makes him end the relationship, then at least you know instead of being in limbo.
posted by Athanassiel at 1:29 AM on May 14, 2013 [3 favorites]
I think you should bring it up, using language similar to what you've used in the post. If he was oblivious to how you're feeling but does still want to be in a relationship, it lets him know what's going on with you and gives him an opportunity to respond. If you're reading his behaviour correctly and he is pulling away, and talking about it makes him end the relationship, then at least you know instead of being in limbo.
posted by Athanassiel at 1:29 AM on May 14, 2013 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: However, now that he is out, and on his own, I would wager that he wants to try dating and sex with a variety of women.
Maybe. Although I'm not the first person he's been with since they separated; he and his wife agreed to live separate lives even when they were under the same roof, and he's been online dating for months.
posted by Salamander at 1:37 AM on May 14, 2013
Maybe. Although I'm not the first person he's been with since they separated; he and his wife agreed to live separate lives even when they were under the same roof, and he's been online dating for months.
posted by Salamander at 1:37 AM on May 14, 2013
but surely someone needs (at least) a few months by themselves to process the breakup of such a long marriage?
This is your answer. This fellow is not yet an able participant in the kind of relationship you desire; it is beyond his capacity.
He may not understand this, but you do. Break it off kindly, succinctly and immediately.
posted by Pudhoho at 1:49 AM on May 14, 2013 [5 favorites]
This is your answer. This fellow is not yet an able participant in the kind of relationship you desire; it is beyond his capacity.
He may not understand this, but you do. Break it off kindly, succinctly and immediately.
posted by Pudhoho at 1:49 AM on May 14, 2013 [5 favorites]
but surely someone needs (at least) a few months by themselves to process the breakup of such a long marriage?
Yeah, this. If I were you I'd let him know that you truly and very much dig him but that the more you've thought about it, the more you think he might just need some time alone. It's not up to you to decide this for him but it's obviously something you're thinking and something that's bothering you so I'd trust your gut. If you feel so inclined, let him know that you're not going to put your life on hold for him but that if he wants to contact you after a while, he's welcome to do so and you can see where things go from there.
I don't know that I'd let myself get involved in a relationship with a man who just ended a very long one (no matter the fact that he says he's been leading a sort of single life for 10 years) but that's just me. If he likes you he'll work to understand your feelings and give you and himself the space he needs. If he really, really likes you he'll get a hold of you in a few months.
posted by youandiandaflame at 4:56 AM on May 14, 2013 [1 favorite]
Yeah, this. If I were you I'd let him know that you truly and very much dig him but that the more you've thought about it, the more you think he might just need some time alone. It's not up to you to decide this for him but it's obviously something you're thinking and something that's bothering you so I'd trust your gut. If you feel so inclined, let him know that you're not going to put your life on hold for him but that if he wants to contact you after a while, he's welcome to do so and you can see where things go from there.
I don't know that I'd let myself get involved in a relationship with a man who just ended a very long one (no matter the fact that he says he's been leading a sort of single life for 10 years) but that's just me. If he likes you he'll work to understand your feelings and give you and himself the space he needs. If he really, really likes you he'll get a hold of you in a few months.
posted by youandiandaflame at 4:56 AM on May 14, 2013 [1 favorite]
I'm not going to lie. Reading this doesn't feel great, or sound promising. My first thought about the solo trips was that he's sleeping with someone else. He wouldn't be the first guy who comes on strong - multiple calls per day - and isn't who you thought he was.
However it sounds like you're not ready to end this and are therefore looking for some hope and positivity, and actions to take while sticking around.
A 47 year old man who just ended a marriage is not necessarily malicious, but he may not be all that practiced at the skills of dating. He might not know that it's good to ease into big life changes before starting relationships. He might be oblivious to how he's cooled down. He might also not realize that whirlwind romances after a relationship ends are A Thing and the wise person takes things slowly, as per conventional wisdom. He might be making standard missteps in dating because h's 47 and not 25 and hasn't grown up with internet dating and hook up culture. As such you might have a rocky start, and you might be with someone who is going to give you a bit of grief because he's a bad dater, but he's still your best long term partner. That is a positive view. So what to do?
1. Back off and expect the whirlwind pace to slow down. Assume he wants to stay with you for the long haul. (This sets you up to get hurt, but you said you're not ready for DTMFA.)
2. Tell him in no uncertain terms to improve on specific things you'd like him to improve on. Assume he's in it to win it with you, and tell him how to make you happier. "I really need you to call me before you leave town." Be firm, polite, direct, and grateful. Just tell him what you want him to do. Assume innocuous ignorance on his part.
3. Date other people. Don't have sex with them, but get out there. You don't have to tell him. If he asks why, you can say what you said here. This isn't game playing, it's to hedge your own bets. It's fine to get into a whirlwind romance and never play hard to get in any way. Sometimes things go off without a hitch and are truly easy. That's not the situation you are in. It's been a month and things are rocky enough for you to be too furious to talk to him, and to be writing in here. It's best practices to maximize your own options. It gives you a position of strength, also. This will work even if (especially if) you keep it to yourself and do it for yourself.
As for people saying he needs time off, not necessarily true. Someone I know well ended a 30 year marriage and started dating a month after. 7 years later, he's with that goes on and on about how he loves her. The marriage had ended long before he left the house, and he's a naturally committed guy. He was also a doofus at dating. I don't want to give reason for false hope, because it's natural (wishful thinking) to look at the one positive exception rather than your own situation. But I don't think the recently ended marriage is necessarily cause for failure. It might still fail, but I'd say the troubling thing is his actions, not the recently ended marriage.
posted by htid at 5:36 AM on May 14, 2013 [6 favorites]
However it sounds like you're not ready to end this and are therefore looking for some hope and positivity, and actions to take while sticking around.
A 47 year old man who just ended a marriage is not necessarily malicious, but he may not be all that practiced at the skills of dating. He might not know that it's good to ease into big life changes before starting relationships. He might be oblivious to how he's cooled down. He might also not realize that whirlwind romances after a relationship ends are A Thing and the wise person takes things slowly, as per conventional wisdom. He might be making standard missteps in dating because h's 47 and not 25 and hasn't grown up with internet dating and hook up culture. As such you might have a rocky start, and you might be with someone who is going to give you a bit of grief because he's a bad dater, but he's still your best long term partner. That is a positive view. So what to do?
1. Back off and expect the whirlwind pace to slow down. Assume he wants to stay with you for the long haul. (This sets you up to get hurt, but you said you're not ready for DTMFA.)
2. Tell him in no uncertain terms to improve on specific things you'd like him to improve on. Assume he's in it to win it with you, and tell him how to make you happier. "I really need you to call me before you leave town." Be firm, polite, direct, and grateful. Just tell him what you want him to do. Assume innocuous ignorance on his part.
3. Date other people. Don't have sex with them, but get out there. You don't have to tell him. If he asks why, you can say what you said here. This isn't game playing, it's to hedge your own bets. It's fine to get into a whirlwind romance and never play hard to get in any way. Sometimes things go off without a hitch and are truly easy. That's not the situation you are in. It's been a month and things are rocky enough for you to be too furious to talk to him, and to be writing in here. It's best practices to maximize your own options. It gives you a position of strength, also. This will work even if (especially if) you keep it to yourself and do it for yourself.
As for people saying he needs time off, not necessarily true. Someone I know well ended a 30 year marriage and started dating a month after. 7 years later, he's with that goes on and on about how he loves her. The marriage had ended long before he left the house, and he's a naturally committed guy. He was also a doofus at dating. I don't want to give reason for false hope, because it's natural (wishful thinking) to look at the one positive exception rather than your own situation. But I don't think the recently ended marriage is necessarily cause for failure. It might still fail, but I'd say the troubling thing is his actions, not the recently ended marriage.
posted by htid at 5:36 AM on May 14, 2013 [6 favorites]
PS sometimes a guy wants to be exclusive because he prefers you only having sex with him, during the period of time he's dating you. It doesn't mean he is in it for the long haul, or even thinking that way. (If you could determine a surefire way to solve the mystery of which is which, or whether one will change to the other, then you'd win a prize on behalf of all daters. Such a surefire way does not exist, and people do get hurt.) This is why people sometimes wait a long time to start up sexual relations, and pay close attention to a person's behavior and judge it super harshly. Direct communication doesn't necessarily solve this problem because a) people lie, b) feelings change, and c) a bunch of other reasons.
posted by htid at 5:45 AM on May 14, 2013 [4 favorites]
posted by htid at 5:45 AM on May 14, 2013 [4 favorites]
You've only been dating for a month!
I know this feeling you describe, I really do, and it's crazy making and so upsetting, but a month is just not long enough to a) have any idea what his behavior means to him or b) have expectations of his obligations beyond basic respect and kindness.
The guy has an intense job that seems to require a lot of travel, and you just met. While you're going to have to be honest about how uncomfortable you are (there's no way to keep this stuff to yourself), I would be very careful how you phrase this and how you think about it. Some people move slowly, even if their initial enthusiasm is strong. That doesn't mean anything about the long-term potential of this relationship.
Also, you can "tell him what you want" without reading any meaning into his behavior. Just say, "I miss spending time with you, can we go out this weekend?" Or, "Let's try to make sure to talk on the phone every other day, I miss you!" and see how he responds.
posted by latkes at 6:19 AM on May 14, 2013
I know this feeling you describe, I really do, and it's crazy making and so upsetting, but a month is just not long enough to a) have any idea what his behavior means to him or b) have expectations of his obligations beyond basic respect and kindness.
The guy has an intense job that seems to require a lot of travel, and you just met. While you're going to have to be honest about how uncomfortable you are (there's no way to keep this stuff to yourself), I would be very careful how you phrase this and how you think about it. Some people move slowly, even if their initial enthusiasm is strong. That doesn't mean anything about the long-term potential of this relationship.
Also, you can "tell him what you want" without reading any meaning into his behavior. Just say, "I miss spending time with you, can we go out this weekend?" Or, "Let's try to make sure to talk on the phone every other day, I miss you!" and see how he responds.
posted by latkes at 6:19 AM on May 14, 2013
In my book, anybody who has asked you to be exclusive has earned themselves Serious Relationship Discussions, even if it's only been a month or so. If he can't cope with being told how you're feeling and what you want and sharing what he's feeling and what he wants, better for you to know now.
posted by EvaDestruction at 6:50 AM on May 14, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by EvaDestruction at 6:50 AM on May 14, 2013 [3 favorites]
I agree with much that has already been said, but reading the question again it strikes me that it's implied he's the one who has been initiating the calling/emailing/texting. Is this true OP? If so, perhaps you could try contacting him instead of waiting around in a stew for him to call.
posted by fight or flight at 7:28 AM on May 14, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by fight or flight at 7:28 AM on May 14, 2013 [1 favorite]
Best answer: All you can do is be honest with him about what you want. Either he's going to be up to providing it, or he's not.
It's not fair to be exclusive if he's not actually dating you, I'd start with that.
"I know it's only been a month or so, and it seems like we've had quite a lot going on in that time. I'm looking for someone to spend time with me. At first it seemed that you were able to provide that, but lately our time together has dwindled. I think we were premature in being exclusive. Before I commit myself to you exclusively I need to know that we both want the same things. What is it that you want from our relationship at this point?"
Then have the discussion. I suspect that you're afraid to bring it up because you're afraid he's going to say, "I think I want something else." It will suck if that's what he says, but I'd rather know where I stand, than be the one trying to do mindreading and living on a hope and a prayer.
If he says that he wants to stay committed, then you need to tell him what you require for that to continue to happen. "I need to hear from you once per day, I need to see you twice a week when you're in town..." Whatever it is.
You're too old for bullshit, and waiting by the phone and sitting on your feelings is bullshit.
Who knows what goes on in the minds of other people. You can't decide for him if he's ready for a relationship or if he's going to sow wild oats or whatever. He's a fully functioning human being with his own thoughts and motivations. If you're not getting from him what you want, ask him for it. If you want to know what he thinks, ask him.
Why wonder?
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 7:34 AM on May 14, 2013 [22 favorites]
It's not fair to be exclusive if he's not actually dating you, I'd start with that.
"I know it's only been a month or so, and it seems like we've had quite a lot going on in that time. I'm looking for someone to spend time with me. At first it seemed that you were able to provide that, but lately our time together has dwindled. I think we were premature in being exclusive. Before I commit myself to you exclusively I need to know that we both want the same things. What is it that you want from our relationship at this point?"
Then have the discussion. I suspect that you're afraid to bring it up because you're afraid he's going to say, "I think I want something else." It will suck if that's what he says, but I'd rather know where I stand, than be the one trying to do mindreading and living on a hope and a prayer.
If he says that he wants to stay committed, then you need to tell him what you require for that to continue to happen. "I need to hear from you once per day, I need to see you twice a week when you're in town..." Whatever it is.
You're too old for bullshit, and waiting by the phone and sitting on your feelings is bullshit.
Who knows what goes on in the minds of other people. You can't decide for him if he's ready for a relationship or if he's going to sow wild oats or whatever. He's a fully functioning human being with his own thoughts and motivations. If you're not getting from him what you want, ask him for it. If you want to know what he thinks, ask him.
Why wonder?
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 7:34 AM on May 14, 2013 [22 favorites]
Response by poster: I agree with much that has already been said, but reading the question again it strikes me that it's implied he's the one who has been initiating the calling/emailing/texting. Is this true OP?
That was true at the beginning, yep. But the past couple of weeks, no, it's been pretty much half-and-half.
posted by Salamander at 7:37 AM on May 14, 2013
That was true at the beginning, yep. But the past couple of weeks, no, it's been pretty much half-and-half.
posted by Salamander at 7:37 AM on May 14, 2013
Ruthless Bunny nailed it. I would follow that advice to the letter.
He also might just not be into initiating contact, and now that he knows where he stands with you (exclusive relationship) he feels more comfortable to be himself - a guy who just doesn't initiate a lot of contact. But you can't know this unless you talk to him about it.
Talk to him.
posted by k8lin at 7:47 AM on May 14, 2013
He also might just not be into initiating contact, and now that he knows where he stands with you (exclusive relationship) he feels more comfortable to be himself - a guy who just doesn't initiate a lot of contact. But you can't know this unless you talk to him about it.
Talk to him.
posted by k8lin at 7:47 AM on May 14, 2013
Best answer: It is actually awesome that he may be discovering he is not ready so early on in your relationship, it means he is aware of his process. He knows what he wants, but not there yet. That's a positive thing, even if it feels terrible for you now.
My thought is that when a person leaves a long term relationship, especially a marriage with kids, they will overcompensate in some areas where their lifelong relationships lacked or suffered. They may be open hearted and truly want a long term committed loving relationship because they didn't have it and dive right into it all the way when they recognize the potential. This is a good thing, and when you might have met him. Some relationships are healthy and loving (possibly yours and his) and others are still a reflection of their past bad relationships. This is hard to navigate when you are healing no matter what age you are.
Another thing to consider is that the pain of a separation/divorce can trigger other feelings that go way back to early childhood. When deep shame and fear sets in, a person can pull back to the other extreme; again to overcompensate for what they feel they may have done wrong. If he is aware of this, he can heal and gain the necessary courage and a deepened sense of empathy to reach his new middle, and only then will he be ready to be in a healthy loving relationship with you or anyone else. So, be grateful he is pulling away now. Do communication effectively. And, evaluate how much you can handle being just a friend, because that is what a person that is healing needs. They need compassion and understanding and no pressure. It's also okay if you are not able to bear the weight of it. If he is choosing to pull away, he may be protecting you from his foibles as he heals.
posted by happysocks at 9:45 AM on May 14, 2013 [1 favorite]
My thought is that when a person leaves a long term relationship, especially a marriage with kids, they will overcompensate in some areas where their lifelong relationships lacked or suffered. They may be open hearted and truly want a long term committed loving relationship because they didn't have it and dive right into it all the way when they recognize the potential. This is a good thing, and when you might have met him. Some relationships are healthy and loving (possibly yours and his) and others are still a reflection of their past bad relationships. This is hard to navigate when you are healing no matter what age you are.
Another thing to consider is that the pain of a separation/divorce can trigger other feelings that go way back to early childhood. When deep shame and fear sets in, a person can pull back to the other extreme; again to overcompensate for what they feel they may have done wrong. If he is aware of this, he can heal and gain the necessary courage and a deepened sense of empathy to reach his new middle, and only then will he be ready to be in a healthy loving relationship with you or anyone else. So, be grateful he is pulling away now. Do communication effectively. And, evaluate how much you can handle being just a friend, because that is what a person that is healing needs. They need compassion and understanding and no pressure. It's also okay if you are not able to bear the weight of it. If he is choosing to pull away, he may be protecting you from his foibles as he heals.
posted by happysocks at 9:45 AM on May 14, 2013 [1 favorite]
This is still a pretty new relationship - you've only had three dates. it sounds like you're very invested already. At this point in time, you're still trying to suss each other out and seeing if you want to continue seeing each other. It sounds like in the beginning, he came on very strong - multiple calls, emails texts, everyday? That would be a bit much for me, but that's just me.
My guess is that he really wanted to jump into a new relationship again, so he put in his best effort. Now, the newness of this thing has worn off and he's rethinking what it is he really wants to do. So in other words, this doesn't have anything to do with you. If I were in your shoes, I would try to be less invested.
I'm kind of against the idea of having a serious sit-down talk about what you need because this relationship is so new and you don't know each other very well. It just doesn't seem appropriate at this stage, you know? Maybe at three months and later, but after a month? After a month you're still in the getting to know each other phase, seeing where each other is at. His actions and responses are telling you what he's wiling to do/not do and where he's at. You decide whether or not you're ok with it, whether it meets your needs, and if it's what you want right now. A serious talk is awkward and putting him on the spot, and you're able to read his intentions from his actions anyway. In other words, you already know what's going on, even though it may be hard to see. You can have the talk if you want, but keep your expectations in check.
You ask, what to do? I would ask him, "Hey want to go do [this activity] on Saturday?" i.e. ask to spend time with him, specific time and place and activity and gauge his interest. If he says no and doesn't suggest an alternative, I'd wait a week or so, ask again, and if he doesn't respond, I would assume he's not interested anymore. If he wants to contact you, great, if not, you have a great life anyway.
I know this sucks because it seems like he's wonderful, he's into you, you click… and then nothing. But it happens. People change their minds and there's little you can do about it. The only thing you can do is shrug your shoulders, move on, and keep enjoying your life.
posted by foxjacket at 10:02 AM on May 14, 2013 [2 favorites]
My guess is that he really wanted to jump into a new relationship again, so he put in his best effort. Now, the newness of this thing has worn off and he's rethinking what it is he really wants to do. So in other words, this doesn't have anything to do with you. If I were in your shoes, I would try to be less invested.
I'm kind of against the idea of having a serious sit-down talk about what you need because this relationship is so new and you don't know each other very well. It just doesn't seem appropriate at this stage, you know? Maybe at three months and later, but after a month? After a month you're still in the getting to know each other phase, seeing where each other is at. His actions and responses are telling you what he's wiling to do/not do and where he's at. You decide whether or not you're ok with it, whether it meets your needs, and if it's what you want right now. A serious talk is awkward and putting him on the spot, and you're able to read his intentions from his actions anyway. In other words, you already know what's going on, even though it may be hard to see. You can have the talk if you want, but keep your expectations in check.
You ask, what to do? I would ask him, "Hey want to go do [this activity] on Saturday?" i.e. ask to spend time with him, specific time and place and activity and gauge his interest. If he says no and doesn't suggest an alternative, I'd wait a week or so, ask again, and if he doesn't respond, I would assume he's not interested anymore. If he wants to contact you, great, if not, you have a great life anyway.
I know this sucks because it seems like he's wonderful, he's into you, you click… and then nothing. But it happens. People change their minds and there's little you can do about it. The only thing you can do is shrug your shoulders, move on, and keep enjoying your life.
posted by foxjacket at 10:02 AM on May 14, 2013 [2 favorites]
Best answer: From the tone of your question and follow-up, you feel neglected, yet still feel an urge to justify and rationalize, and ultimately still cannot decide what to do. This is what happens when our minds are filled with a mixture of hope and fear that no longer align with reality.
The reality is you do not know each other very well. You do not yet know how much you can rely on his words, nor how to interpret his action. The glimpses you had to his past is from his perspective. Your idea of him reflects more of who you are than who he is or how you two may be.
When we start dating, often what we fall in "love" with is an ideal. We see this beautiful, shiny future based on the best but TINY parts of what we show one another. How we want it to become real... and then we attach our love of that ideal onto the man. Just a man, with his own good qualities, but also flawed, ordinary, mundane.
If you hold this perspective, the next steps should be very simple. How hard is it to ask an ordinary fellow human a simple question to clarity events? And if his answer didn't sit well with what you want, how hard is it to let go? This world is filled with good, ordinary men, some of whom are available and looking for love, just like you. Or you may decide, well, you are in no hurry either, that it's fine to stay the course with this man, and let events play their course.
So, if you look closely within, you may realize: you are more in love with a beautiful vision than with this man. Once you see that... you will know exactly what to do.
Good luck.
posted by enlivener at 10:42 AM on May 14, 2013 [3 favorites]
The reality is you do not know each other very well. You do not yet know how much you can rely on his words, nor how to interpret his action. The glimpses you had to his past is from his perspective. Your idea of him reflects more of who you are than who he is or how you two may be.
When we start dating, often what we fall in "love" with is an ideal. We see this beautiful, shiny future based on the best but TINY parts of what we show one another. How we want it to become real... and then we attach our love of that ideal onto the man. Just a man, with his own good qualities, but also flawed, ordinary, mundane.
If you hold this perspective, the next steps should be very simple. How hard is it to ask an ordinary fellow human a simple question to clarity events? And if his answer didn't sit well with what you want, how hard is it to let go? This world is filled with good, ordinary men, some of whom are available and looking for love, just like you. Or you may decide, well, you are in no hurry either, that it's fine to stay the course with this man, and let events play their course.
So, if you look closely within, you may realize: you are more in love with a beautiful vision than with this man. Once you see that... you will know exactly what to do.
Good luck.
posted by enlivener at 10:42 AM on May 14, 2013 [3 favorites]
And, I forgot the first line that I accidentally deleted: Ask him directly and listen to what he has to say. The former paragraphs I wrote was background info. and my perspective taking a broad view.
posted by happysocks at 11:25 AM on May 14, 2013
posted by happysocks at 11:25 AM on May 14, 2013
Yep, agreeing with Ruthless Bunny and DarlingBri. Texting him and sitting by the phone wondering "will he call me" is like high school all over again. Sure some high school things like ticke fights and flirting are fun - and good!
If you can't sit down with him and have a chat about how your are feeling (not being pushy about how you are feeling) then you shouldn't be with him anyway. If he can't communicate with you after a month, he probably won't ever. Communication is key in a relationship, especially a long term one. You might as well find out at the month mark rather than playing phone games to see if he "really like-likes you".
Also, not to read too much into it, but why did he end his marriage? Was he a bad communicator? Did he need "too much alone time?" I'm not saying everyone who has a failed marriage is a bad person, sometime's their just not a match but I'm still curious because of his behavior.
My parents also divorced after 26 years, but when my dad met my step-mom they were completely inseparable - and still are. Sounds like he started on that path but something changed.
posted by Crystalinne at 11:28 AM on May 14, 2013
If you can't sit down with him and have a chat about how your are feeling (not being pushy about how you are feeling) then you shouldn't be with him anyway. If he can't communicate with you after a month, he probably won't ever. Communication is key in a relationship, especially a long term one. You might as well find out at the month mark rather than playing phone games to see if he "really like-likes you".
Also, not to read too much into it, but why did he end his marriage? Was he a bad communicator? Did he need "too much alone time?" I'm not saying everyone who has a failed marriage is a bad person, sometime's their just not a match but I'm still curious because of his behavior.
My parents also divorced after 26 years, but when my dad met my step-mom they were completely inseparable - and still are. Sounds like he started on that path but something changed.
posted by Crystalinne at 11:28 AM on May 14, 2013
The question is: do I tell him how I'm feeling (shut-out and neglected, basically), and that I'd like to spend more time together? Or do I let him rubber-band, or whatever the expression is, and see if he bounces back?
I usually advocate being upfront about how you're feeling, but I think it's better not to say you feel shut out and neglected. If he's stressed but does want to see you, he'll feel pressure and guilt because he's not giving you what you need. If he's backing away, he'll feel like, oh shit I really don't want to hear this must hang up or get out of here right away. Even "I miss you" isn't going to get you the honesty that you want. I've been the person hearing it, and it felt like an accusation because I knew I wasn't handling things right.
Tell him that you'd like to see him, and invite him for a specific activity at a specific time, at least a few days in advance. Anything that will be enjoyable for both of you and will let you talk easily. Do this with your voice, either directly by phone or by leaving a message, because text doesn't convey your tone of looking forward to getting together. If he says something like..."I've been meaning to call you. I'd like to take a break (or break it off)" then keep as calm as you can and tell him it would have been better if he'd given you that news sooner.
If he's still interested, you'll get a chance to tell him you felt confused and worried during the time he wasn't communicating, and you'd like him to be open about things that affect you.
posted by wryly at 2:01 PM on May 14, 2013 [1 favorite]
I usually advocate being upfront about how you're feeling, but I think it's better not to say you feel shut out and neglected. If he's stressed but does want to see you, he'll feel pressure and guilt because he's not giving you what you need. If he's backing away, he'll feel like, oh shit I really don't want to hear this must hang up or get out of here right away. Even "I miss you" isn't going to get you the honesty that you want. I've been the person hearing it, and it felt like an accusation because I knew I wasn't handling things right.
Tell him that you'd like to see him, and invite him for a specific activity at a specific time, at least a few days in advance. Anything that will be enjoyable for both of you and will let you talk easily. Do this with your voice, either directly by phone or by leaving a message, because text doesn't convey your tone of looking forward to getting together. If he says something like..."I've been meaning to call you. I'd like to take a break (or break it off)" then keep as calm as you can and tell him it would have been better if he'd given you that news sooner.
If he's still interested, you'll get a chance to tell him you felt confused and worried during the time he wasn't communicating, and you'd like him to be open about things that affect you.
posted by wryly at 2:01 PM on May 14, 2013 [1 favorite]
You've been dating a very short period of time. MANY relationships fail at about this stage because, well, that's just how dating works.
Why would you continue to be interested in someone who is actively cooling off towards you?
It's such a yucky feeling, and I don't know why the common advice isn't to cut bait when a new person starts treating us poorly. Instead, there's so many bullshit theories about how to recapture someone's wandering attention - as if that could ever work out in the long run! And why would you want to be with someone you constantly have to cajole, anyway??
Again. You've been dating a very short period of time. MANY relationships fail at about this stage because, well, that's just how dating works.
I'm very sorry he came on strongly and mislead you. I don't enjoy men like this, and I've dated a quite a few. They suck. I'm sorry.
Don't worry about why this is happening, because it doesn't matter. What matters is that his words and actions don't match up. Plenty of people lack consideration towards others and self-awareness. It's not deep, it's nothing you have done wrong, it just is.
This kind of thing happens all of the time when you are dating. Your only mistake right now is beanplating when you should be walking away.
Whatever is going on, this guy isn't worth the trouble.
Go find someone who is more self-aware and capable of real romance and commitment.
This guy is no fun despite the flashy advertising. Move on. Move on.
posted by jbenben at 2:35 PM on May 14, 2013 [9 favorites]
Why would you continue to be interested in someone who is actively cooling off towards you?
It's such a yucky feeling, and I don't know why the common advice isn't to cut bait when a new person starts treating us poorly. Instead, there's so many bullshit theories about how to recapture someone's wandering attention - as if that could ever work out in the long run! And why would you want to be with someone you constantly have to cajole, anyway??
Again. You've been dating a very short period of time. MANY relationships fail at about this stage because, well, that's just how dating works.
I'm very sorry he came on strongly and mislead you. I don't enjoy men like this, and I've dated a quite a few. They suck. I'm sorry.
Don't worry about why this is happening, because it doesn't matter. What matters is that his words and actions don't match up. Plenty of people lack consideration towards others and self-awareness. It's not deep, it's nothing you have done wrong, it just is.
This kind of thing happens all of the time when you are dating. Your only mistake right now is beanplating when you should be walking away.
Whatever is going on, this guy isn't worth the trouble.
Go find someone who is more self-aware and capable of real romance and commitment.
This guy is no fun despite the flashy advertising. Move on. Move on.
posted by jbenben at 2:35 PM on May 14, 2013 [9 favorites]
You're unhappy, this guy has issues, and you should move on.
posted by discopolo at 3:01 PM on May 14, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by discopolo at 3:01 PM on May 14, 2013 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: I've marked a few answers as 'best', even though they kind of conflict with each other, because I thought they were extra insightful. All answers were helpful, though, so thank you - and any other thoughts much appreciated.
posted by Salamander at 11:06 PM on May 14, 2013
posted by Salamander at 11:06 PM on May 14, 2013
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posted by Salamander at 12:44 AM on May 14, 2013