How to refuse reference without negative consequences for me or them?
May 13, 2013 9:14 PM   Subscribe

What do you do if someone names you as a referee in a job application, but didn't ask you in advance, and if you really don't feel you could give them a good reference, but you have to keep working with them in the future?

This is someone who I work with as a peer, not as employer/employee, so it's kind of odd for me to act as referee anyway. If they had asked me, I would have used that as an excuse to say I couldn't do it. Would it be okay for me to tell the future/potential employer the same thing? Would that automatically bring up red flags for this applicant?

My main reason I don't feel I could give them a good reference is that I dislike them very strongly as a person and think they would be hard to work with. I don't think their work is very good either, but I worry that my personal feelings get in the way of objective judgement there, so I don't necessarily want to sabotage their chances.

This is in Australia, where unsuccessful applicants have the right to access their referee reports. Since I have to keep working closely with this person if they don't get the new job, my life will be very difficult if I write a negative report. (Likewise, telling them how angry I am that they named me as referee without asking is probably only going to cause me problems.)

They have already been shortlisted for the job, by the way, so it's probably only a matter of days before I get contacted by the potential employer.
posted by lollusc to Work & Money (24 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
 
"I'm sorry, I don't really have enough of an opinion on their job performance to give a referral."
posted by xingcat at 9:18 PM on May 13, 2013 [2 favorites]


xingcat is correct. Just state that you're not in a position to give an opinion. Period. Stop. No further statement. Period. You have no obligation to say anything more.
posted by HuronBob at 9:21 PM on May 13, 2013


Tell them now that as a peer you don't feel comfortable giving the reference. That way they have time to find other people to ask. They can always contact the potential employer and give a different reference. If they persist with you, then I think the way out is to be blandly honest about the things you can be blandly honest about (punctuality, meeting deadlines, things like that), and let the employer read between the lines.
posted by cairdeas at 9:23 PM on May 13, 2013 [1 favorite]


Yes, what HuronBob and xingcat say. I also think it's fine to say that you are a peer. FWIW, I have been specifically asked at interviews to supply a peer reference, so it may not be an automatic red flag.
posted by looli at 9:24 PM on May 13, 2013


I don't want to be obtuse, but if you don't like them, why not give a decent reference so they can go away and not be in your work sphere anymore? "Yeah, they're great!" And then a cake and good-bye and peace for you thereafter.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 9:37 PM on May 13, 2013 [3 favorites]


There's one other option: you don't like this person, so consider saying any truthful, positive things that you can -- definitely not asking you to lie -- and saying "I don't have an opinion on that" for anything you can't say nice things about. After all, if they get the job and leave, you don't have to work with them any more.

Someone did this to me once; put me on as a reference, then asked after the fact if they could. I felt similarly to you, so on impulse I looked him in the eyes and said point-blank something like "half of the things you've put on this resume are lies, and if you actually use me as a reference, I will be happy to tell your potential employer all about it." I worked with him for a long time afterwards, and he was pretty much terrified of me from that point on. YMMV.
posted by davejay at 9:40 PM on May 13, 2013 [6 favorites]


Response by poster: "I'm sorry, I don't really have enough of an opinion on their job performance to give a referral."

If you were a potential employer, would you see that as a red flag? (Or wonder why someone had listed a referee that "doesn't have an opinion" on their job performance?)

I don't want to be obtuse, but if you don't like them, why not give a decent reference so they can go away and not be in your work sphere anymore?

Yeah, I'm not going to do that. I prefer to be honest in my professional life and would like people to think my references are worth something. And if it's not a glowing reference, which I couldn't honestly write, I think the employer would read between the lines that there is a problem.
posted by lollusc at 9:41 PM on May 13, 2013


Yeah, I'm not going to do that. I prefer to be honest in my professional life and would like people to think my references are worth something. And if it's not a glowing reference, which I couldn't honestly write, I think the employer would read between the lines that there is a problem.

Technically, isn't this exactly what should happen? You give an honest reference, but also a polite one -- say nice things that are true when relevant, decline to say anything when you have nothing nice to say -- and let the future employer figure it out?
posted by davejay at 9:43 PM on May 13, 2013


Best answer: If you were a potential employer, would you see that as a red flag? (Or wonder why someone had listed a referee that "doesn't have an opinion" on their job performance?)

Maybe, but it's a true red flag, you know? I would worry that they either weren't great with business etiquette or maybe just didn't have anyone who wouldn't outright trash them - might be the first, might be the second. If it was someone who came across as abrasive in the interview, I'd lean towards the second. So yeah, it's the honest thing for you to do, and it's not a positive sign, but that's the price this guy pays for not handling his references correctly.
posted by restless_nomad at 9:49 PM on May 13, 2013 [1 favorite]


Hm, plus there's another upside: suppose you give this reference, in an honest way, and they don't hire the guy. Then, sheer coincidence, you're a reference for someone else with the same company, and the person from the same company remembers you. This time around, you give the person you respect a glowing reference, and the hiring person thinks "hey this person is credible" (because you don't always give glowing ones) and maybe someday the hiring person remembers that when you apply for a job there. It could happen.
posted by davejay at 9:54 PM on May 13, 2013 [2 favorites]


I think you already know this in your heart: that there really isn't a way to refuse to give a reference to an employer without negative consequences for you and/or the person you are speaking about. They've already boxed you halfway into a corner by putting your name on the list, and you've boxed yourself in the rest of the way by expressing certain wants - not to lie, but not to affect them negatively or your relationship with them negatively.

Your options include:

Give an honest assessment of the person's ability to every question they ask. But you trap yourself in that you don't want the person to see what you said.

Give an honest positive assessment when you can, and hedge when you can't (I'm not really familiar with their abilities in that area). That works for questions about skills - like project management, but doesn't for qualities - as a peer you know what it's like to work with them on a team. Or (I have no opinion on their abilities in that area), which is also red-flaggish. In fact any language that smacks of hedging will probably be red flaggish to an employer, and perhaps seem churlish to a colleague (You really don't have an opinion on my ability to lead? Or my ability to work on a team? Etc.) That's probably going to affect your relationship.

Give a positive assessment when you can, lie when you can't. But you don't want to do this, because honesty is important.

Flat out refuse to give a reference to the employer. You think this will hurt their chances and your relationship.

Tell your colleague you are surprised that they listed you as a reference, should have asked you first, and tell them to find someone else. You are concerned here that it will also hurt your relationship.

Avoid the employer's calls, and hope they tell the person so they will recommend someone else.

All of these choices get you at best two out of your three: honesty/integrity, not affecting them negatively with the employer, and/or not affecting your relationship negatively. Do you have a sense of which two are most important to you? Because that might help you narrow your choices. Agree with all here who say that your colleague was very, very wrong and unprofessional to put you in this difficult situation. They may have to live with the consequences of that.
posted by anitanita at 10:36 PM on May 13, 2013 [4 favorites]


Tell any potential new employer that, as this person's peer not their supervisor, you can't comment on their work. If you feel okay with it, confirm the fact of their employment (yes, they work with you at x company, plus maybe when they were hired), but nothing about the quality of their work or their work habits.
posted by easily confused at 2:18 AM on May 14, 2013 [3 favorites]


You don't owe this person anything. They were shockingly rude in not asking you whether you were willing to provide a reference. That alone is reason to not provide one.

However, as a peer and not their supervisor, it's not really like you're in a position to provide a proper reference anyway. I would go with Xingcat's proposed response.

If you were a potential employer, would you see that as a red flag? (Or wonder why someone had listed a referee that "doesn't have an opinion" on their job performance?)


Yes. I would. Because it's actually a red flag. It indicates that the prospective employee doesn't have the basic sense to confirm their referrees before submitting an application. That's totally incompetent.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 2:20 AM on May 14, 2013 [4 favorites]


Tell your colleague you are surprised that they listed you as a reference, should have asked you first, and tell them to find someone else. You are concerned here that it will also hurt your relationship.

If I were in your position I'd be saying all that stuff, not to the nuff-nuff who listed me as a referee without asking, but to anybody who contacts me about them: "What? Bob listed me as a referee? I had no idea. Yes, he works here. No, I don't want to talk about it."

Life's too short to worry about smoothing over the errors of fools you don't even like.
posted by flabdablet at 3:36 AM on May 14, 2013 [1 favorite]


I think refusing to give a reference past confirming dates of employment is the least harmful, most honest thing you could do. You can tell them it's because you're peers and be because he didn't check with you first; if it's an emailed request, I'd even consider copying the coworker on the reply so it's all in the open.

It's surely a red flag to an employer, but in declining the reference, you're being much more considerate to your coworker than they were to you.
posted by tchemgrrl at 4:20 AM on May 14, 2013


Best answer: I would do three things..

1. Speak to your colleague and inform them that they need to remove you as a referee from all future applications since it is simply not appropriate to give a peer as a referee.

2. Inform them also that it is terribly bad form to use someone as a referee without their knowledge and permission. Because it really, really is, and you will be doing them a big favour if you educate them on this score and prevent them making the same faux pas again.

3. Should it be too late to stop actually receiving a request for a reference i would respond by telling the prospective employer that your name was given as a potential referee in error, because of a misunderstanding. Or something like that.

Bottom line here is your colleague has made a mistake and potentially dropped you in it by ignoring one of the basics of work etiquette, not to mention simple good manners. You should therefore not have to do the legwork necessary to help them out of that hole. And they need to understand that they have screwed up, and that is their responsibility to put it right.
posted by Decani at 5:28 AM on May 14, 2013 [4 favorites]


If you don't want to give the reference, but also don't want to make it seem personal, you can always say that you just aren't comfortable giving references in general.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 6:12 AM on May 14, 2013 [1 favorite]


When I was the head lifeguard at a local lake, an acquaintance subbed a couple of times for one of my team. I saw that he was OK on his skills but not attentive to what was happening in the water.

A year later, he asked me to vouch for him for a lifeguard job. I didn't want to tell him directly that I thought he was a bad lifeguard, but I couldn't justify giving him a reference where lives were at stake, and I wrote him back saying that I didn't remember his work well enough to give a reference.

While your situation almost certainly doesn't involve life-threatening events, I would make excuses as diplomatically as possible. The guy really deserves the one word reply CHUTZPAH. However, you need to avoid prompting him to try to get back at you.
posted by KRS at 6:20 AM on May 14, 2013


The person who screwed up is the person who gave your name as a reference without asking. It's a pretty major issue - the person lacks the sense to know that you aren't likely to be positive, lacks manners, and may be having trouble finding any reference at all. You can give an honest and fair answer of I don't feel comfortable giving a reference for a peer; I think it violates HR policy. You could write a pallid letter listing positive traits of your peer Peer is prompt to work and meetings. Peer meets deadlines conscientiously, etc. It's hard to be in a position where you have an impact on someone getting a job, so be cheerful, and tell the positive truth pleasantly.
posted by theora55 at 7:19 AM on May 14, 2013


Probably the best way for you to handle this so it doesn't hurt you later, but without lying, would be to give a positive review of only those things you can be positive about. Most employers will read between the lines, but if the person ever reads the review, they probably won't. Because most of us like to hear nice things about ourselves, and don't dig any deeper than that.
posted by musofire at 7:44 AM on May 14, 2013


If you're contacted by the employer be 100% honest where it doesn't hurt you, and demur where it would.

"What would you say about Jerkface's work ethic?"

"As a peer, I'm not really in a position to comment on that."

"How is Jerkface with customers?"

"Jerkface is very pleasant to customers."

"What are some of Jerkface's good qualities?"

"Jerkface is punctual and has good attendance."

You can finesse this pretty easily. Damning with faint praise.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 8:04 AM on May 14, 2013 [1 favorite]


Stick to facts only, don't give opinions.
posted by blue_beetle at 12:25 PM on May 14, 2013


my life will be very difficult if I write a negative report

Wait, this is in writing? What sort of format, filling out a form, freeform letter, what?

You should know that it's uncommon for job references in the US to be in writing, and this might color some of the advice you are getting.
posted by yohko at 2:28 PM on May 14, 2013


Response by poster: Wait, this is in writing? What sort of format, filling out a form, freeform letter, what? You should know that it's uncommon for job references in the US to be in writing, and this might color some of the advice you are getting.


Oh, I didn't know. Yes, it's a letter of reference. Totally free form. So I think I'm going to have to opt out, because I don't think I can craft something where the employer can read between the lines but where my colleague can't.

I like Decani's suggestion of saying that my name was given as a referee "in error" because of a misunderstanding.

And Restless Nomad is right that if this raises red flags, that is appropriate, but that if they give a good interview and their other references are good, it won't necessarily stop them from getting the job.
posted by lollusc at 6:35 PM on May 14, 2013


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