How do I create space with my new girlfriend?

May 11, 2013 8:35 PM

I've been dating a girl for a couple of months and she wants to do everything together. What's a good way to establish boundaries and let her know that I care about her friends, things she does, while not pushing her away?

We've been dating for several months and she's in her early twenties, and I'm in my late twenties, if that helps add context. We spend quite a bit of time together for being so early on in a relationship, at least 4 out of 7 days together and the weekends. I would like to slow things up, not because I'm not enjoying time with her, but because I miss doing things I did by myself.

I've tried deflecting social events with, "Hey that sounds like fun, but I'm going to stay in tonight, let me know if you need a ride!" to which she'll respond with wanting to hang out with me at my place or finding something I want to do and seems genuinely hurt when I reply that I just want to hangout alone.

I've never really experienced this sort of clinginess in a relationship before, and I hate to use a word with such baggage, but that's the only way I can describe it. Can this be dealt with, with better communication or is this one of those deal breakers?

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (10 answers total)

Go one step higher. "Hey, that sounds like fun, but I need some alone time. Have fun!"

Offering a ride makes it sound like you want to spend time with her. Don't send those mixed signals.

If she can't gracefully cope with your needing alone time, then that's a separate issue, but don't jump there until you're more explicit about your needs.
posted by jaguar at 8:41 PM on May 11, 2013 [10 favorites]

Or you could try, "I'm not available that night. I'd love to see you Thursday, though. Are you free?" It's sometimes helpful to assure extroverts that you do want to see them at a concrete, near-future time.
posted by jaguar at 8:43 PM on May 11, 2013 [8 favorites]

she's in her early twenties, and I'm in my late twenties

I think this is good for context, actually. Is she just out of college? People in college tend to hangoutallthetime in general, in my experience. It could be that she is just used to that.

Maybe you should tell her what you've got going on in the week ahead. Like Monday, you guys have plans, so Tues you're going to hang in, etc. You might have to schedule "alone time" a bit now that you're dating someone a bit more seriously.

I don't have an SO but I do have a lot of friends and would be out every night if I took every invite. I'm not even really introverted, I just need time on my own or my house would be a mess,I wouldn't ever work out and poor Metafilter would be neglected.
posted by sweetkid at 8:50 PM on May 11, 2013 [1 favorite]

You can also say stuff like "I'm introverted and really like recharging alone. In fact, I really need 'me time' to be happy." It doesn't have to be a Big Conversation all the time, but letting her know that this is part of your personality will help. At this point, you probably do need to have a dedicated talk about it, but afterwards I would bring this up a few times just to remind her that this is what you need, and it has nothing to do with how much you like her.

And the idea of making concrete plans for the future is good, too. "Tonight I am eating spaghetti and watching Breaking Bad alone, but let's see The Great Gatsby on Saturday. I'd love to take you out for dinner first, too."

Finally, two more things that you can do to help:
- Text her sometimes on a day when you won't see her just to say hi and let her know you are thinking of her, even if you won't see her that day. Not every day, unless you want to do it every day, but sometimes.
- Reinforce how much you do appreciate your time together by texting or emailing after a date to say you had a great time.

These last two things should help her feel less like "omg he is pulling away and he has another girlfriend/secretly hates me/thinks I am annoying" and more like "yay, my boyfriend really likes me!" On this front, stuff like surprise flower deliveries never hurt, either, just to tell her she is special.
posted by k8lin at 9:07 PM on May 11, 2013 [12 favorites]

I went through this with my last girlfriend, and we're both in our 40s. Ultimately I just told her that I needed free time on occasion to be happy, she didn't like the idea but gave it her best shot, and it didn't work out -- she's the kind of person who needs to be with someone who doesn't need free time, and I'm not that guy. There were other reasons it didn't work out, but that was definitely a contributor.

Ultimately you have to be who you are and have your needs met, and it is okay to be up-front about it. If it makes her unhappy, well, better to find out early than to pretend it isn't a problem until later, when it feels like you're making a major adjustment to the relationship.

So how do you tell her? Just be honest. "Im in the mood to be alone tonight." Youre not asking for anything unreasonable, and if she is reasonable too, you'll communicate about it and that will be that. Walking on eggshells about it isnt going to help either one of you. Ask me how I know.
posted by davejay at 9:36 PM on May 11, 2013 [4 favorites]

I would totally go with the 'not tonight but at a concrete time in the near future' suggestion from above. That would definitely change the anxious mind from 'oh my god he suddenly hates me' to 'whew, Rolanda wanted to tell me about her break up anyway so it's better if I see him tomorrow anyway'. For example. Not that I have this sort of mind, of course.
posted by bquarters at 9:43 PM on May 11, 2013 [2 favorites]

not because I'm not enjoying time with her, but because I miss doing things I did by myself.

The way you say it here makes it sound very, very reasonable, understandable, and not hurtful.

I think you will have the best results talking about it if you do three things:

1. Bring it up and just talk about it at a time when it's -not- an issue; i.e., you are just hanging out with her enjoying her company and it isn't one of the times you want to be by yourself. I really think that just giving her a kind of blunt "no thanks" the next time this issue comes up will only make things worse.

2. Stay as far away as possible from saying things that could be taken as judgmental of her or her friends (for example that she's clingy, or that she has the preferences she does because she is so young, or her friends have the preferences they do because they are young, etc.). Feeling judged often only makes people defensive, so try as hard as you can to use neutral language and acknowledge that both of your preferences are just that and are equally valid.

3. Don't talk about this like this is A Big Problem that you guys need to solve. Instead talk about it like it is just a conversation the two of you are having about your own preferences and how to come to a happy medium. If one person suggests something and the other person would need some adjustments to be happy with that, ideally they should both do their best to articulate it.

So I would suggest saying something like,

"Hey Lauren, I just wanted to check in on something. The other day when I said I wanted to hang out alone you seemed hurt. I was hoping we could talk about it because I really don't want you to feel that way."

Then pause and see if she has anything to say. When the conversation is rolling then at some point tell her:

"Sometimes I really need to recharge by doing things by myself. But that isn't because I don't enjoy time with you. It's just how I am / what I need for relaxation / etc. I want you to know it doesn't mean that I don't care about you and your friends because I do."

Then see if she has anything to say.

She might want to get some kind of concrete idea of when she can be reasonably sure that you will be available to hang out with her. If you can do that, and would feel comfortable doing so, I think it would really help. (For example, you could say, "I love spending most Saturday nights with you, but I like to spend the first Saturday night of the month puttering around the house by myself getting caught up on projects."

I would also say, she might be way more relaxed about this if the time you do spend together is more interactive. Like if you find yourself having a lot of nights where she's sitting next to you as you play video games, or you're both half-watching a movie and half-playing on your phones, if you can stay aware of that and try to keep it under control, it might make things easier.
posted by cairdeas at 10:13 PM on May 11, 2013 [5 favorites]

My answer in a previous thread asking how to get alone time in a relationship and manage space.

I think there may be other useful answers in that thread for you too. I won't repeat all of my answers from that one I linked. just go read it. Basically you need to define how much space you want, let her know why you need that space, and schedule it as much as possible (meaning you don't just bail on her.)
posted by Crystalinne at 11:24 PM on May 11, 2013

I think there is some good advice here about how to talk about this. I just wanted to add that even if you follow that, she might decide she needs a partner who wants to spend all the time together. Which is all the more reason to talk about and be honest about it now, if that's super important to her and you need alone time this is a problem that will be hard to solve and probably just indicates incompatibility. For example , I tend towards seeing someone I'm dating almost every day, and tend to end up with similar partners. A girl who was only OK with once or twice a week just wouldn't work for me, and I'd rather she was honest about her needs so we could figure that out earlier rather than later.
posted by wildcrdj at 11:38 PM on May 11, 2013 [4 favorites]

Especially so early on in your relationship, do approach it with honesty, respect and clarity for a start and end time for your alone time. Suggest the next time you want to see her and reach out to her while you are apart. Talking about this early on is important and can prevent future potential anxiety in the relationship. Also, be up front about what it is you enjoy doing alone and not be vague or lie. If you say you want alone time and she discovers you went out with a friend instead, that might bring up a lot of uncertainty for her and can be damaging to the development of a healthy relationship.
posted by happysocks at 1:52 AM on May 12, 2013 [3 favorites]