What to do with a guy I've been seeing for 3 months- now pulling away.
May 10, 2013 4:21 AM Subscribe
How do I approach a guy I'm really starting to fall for, but who's pulling away at the three month mark?
So, John and I are both in our early 30's. We both lead very active, separate lives, successful careers. We both own our own homes, have lots of friends, etc. We met when we both participated in a volunteer event over a year ago and then started dating about 3 months ago. Because we are both so busy, we only see each other once or twice a week- but, on his urging, we talk at least once a day.
This is the first guy I've dated where I have NO idea what the status of our relationship was at the 3 month mark. I asked him last night if we were together, and he seemed taken aback that I asked. He said that he assumed it didn't need a conversation and that we were. But his FB status still says single and he takes FOREVER to get back to me whenever I text him/ message him. I'm naturally a more anxious person, so obviously this is really stressing me out.
Some friends are telling me that I should communicate my confusion and issues with him- how I don't feel like I'm a priority at all in his life. Others tell me to back way off, stop texting, and to start distancing myself (rubberband theory). That if I push him, I'm going to seem clingy and push him away.
I'm just confused what to do- I've tried to play the cool girl, giving him space. I thought we were on a good track, I met his family recently. I just feel like in the past 2 weeks, he has really backed away and I'm not sure why. I really like him, think we have a lot in common. We have fun together when we do hang out. But I hate the feeling of being ignored by him.
Thanks all!
So, John and I are both in our early 30's. We both lead very active, separate lives, successful careers. We both own our own homes, have lots of friends, etc. We met when we both participated in a volunteer event over a year ago and then started dating about 3 months ago. Because we are both so busy, we only see each other once or twice a week- but, on his urging, we talk at least once a day.
This is the first guy I've dated where I have NO idea what the status of our relationship was at the 3 month mark. I asked him last night if we were together, and he seemed taken aback that I asked. He said that he assumed it didn't need a conversation and that we were. But his FB status still says single and he takes FOREVER to get back to me whenever I text him/ message him. I'm naturally a more anxious person, so obviously this is really stressing me out.
Some friends are telling me that I should communicate my confusion and issues with him- how I don't feel like I'm a priority at all in his life. Others tell me to back way off, stop texting, and to start distancing myself (rubberband theory). That if I push him, I'm going to seem clingy and push him away.
I'm just confused what to do- I've tried to play the cool girl, giving him space. I thought we were on a good track, I met his family recently. I just feel like in the past 2 weeks, he has really backed away and I'm not sure why. I really like him, think we have a lot in common. We have fun together when we do hang out. But I hate the feeling of being ignored by him.
Thanks all!
On the one hand you say he takes FOREVER to get back to you, on the other he says you talk at least once a day on his urging. FOREVER is less than 24 hours, then?
What I do see coming through, here, is that you feel like the relationship is on his terms. He decides you'll talk once a day, but he could also decide you'd talk once every three days, and you wouldn't have any say in that, is that right? He decides that you don't need to know where you stand with him, he decides that he publicly labels himself as single but that you're not expected to be confused by this, he decides that you're going to meet his family, he decides when to respond, and now he's decided he's going to back away without explanation.
Presumably, you don't feel ignored in every relationship you've been in - just in this one?
What specifically have you done to "try to play the cool girl, give him space"? I could suggest that you talk to him every other day instead of once a day when he wants to, and let him wonder where you are for a change. But I think in the circumstances, that would be fundamentally dishonest as you're already very stressed out by this.
On the other hand, I never advise pursuing someone who is unresponsive.
I might suggest having a talk with him about how ignored you feel and how you don't know where you stand. But it seems like you already had that talk, and he told you you should feel fine about it. And yet, the fact is, you don't. It's a tough one, because I don't think this is the kind of problem that gets solved with more and more conversation. You can't talk an unresponsive person into being more responsive.
I would seriously think about telling him you want to break up because you can't cope with feeling ignored and not knowing where you stand. It goes without saying that the expected outcome of this is that you break up. Sorry to have to say this, I just don't think a relationship where you feel ignored and subordinate already, is going to make you feel any better in the long run.
posted by tel3path at 4:33 AM on May 10, 2013 [15 favorites]
What I do see coming through, here, is that you feel like the relationship is on his terms. He decides you'll talk once a day, but he could also decide you'd talk once every three days, and you wouldn't have any say in that, is that right? He decides that you don't need to know where you stand with him, he decides that he publicly labels himself as single but that you're not expected to be confused by this, he decides that you're going to meet his family, he decides when to respond, and now he's decided he's going to back away without explanation.
Presumably, you don't feel ignored in every relationship you've been in - just in this one?
What specifically have you done to "try to play the cool girl, give him space"? I could suggest that you talk to him every other day instead of once a day when he wants to, and let him wonder where you are for a change. But I think in the circumstances, that would be fundamentally dishonest as you're already very stressed out by this.
On the other hand, I never advise pursuing someone who is unresponsive.
I might suggest having a talk with him about how ignored you feel and how you don't know where you stand. But it seems like you already had that talk, and he told you you should feel fine about it. And yet, the fact is, you don't. It's a tough one, because I don't think this is the kind of problem that gets solved with more and more conversation. You can't talk an unresponsive person into being more responsive.
I would seriously think about telling him you want to break up because you can't cope with feeling ignored and not knowing where you stand. It goes without saying that the expected outcome of this is that you break up. Sorry to have to say this, I just don't think a relationship where you feel ignored and subordinate already, is going to make you feel any better in the long run.
posted by tel3path at 4:33 AM on May 10, 2013 [15 favorites]
But his FB status still says single and he takes FOREVER to get back to me whenever I text him/ message him.
Is this a change since you brought up your relationship status* or is this just him? It sounds like he just uses texting and social media differently than you do. What is he doing that's "pulling away"?
(And about fb - he *is* still single. 3 months isn't married, and even then, it's facebook. Gauge your relationship status by how your real-world relationship is, the time you spend together, the way you communicate, etc.)
I just feel like in the past 2 weeks, he has really backed away and I'm not sure why.
"Hon, I feel like in the past few weeks, you've backed away. What's up?" Just communicate, no games, no testing, no trying to control his response by your actions. "I'm a more anxious type than you are & could use a bit more reassurance."
*Next time you reach a 3-month mark with someone and want to clarify relationship status, I highly recommend stating your feelings about it rather than asking him to define them for you. Asking him to tell you "Are we together?" is very different than opening up a discussion with "I like the way this is going & am starting to feel pretty serious, are you feeling it too?"
posted by headnsouth at 4:37 AM on May 10, 2013 [27 favorites]
Is this a change since you brought up your relationship status* or is this just him? It sounds like he just uses texting and social media differently than you do. What is he doing that's "pulling away"?
(And about fb - he *is* still single. 3 months isn't married, and even then, it's facebook. Gauge your relationship status by how your real-world relationship is, the time you spend together, the way you communicate, etc.)
I just feel like in the past 2 weeks, he has really backed away and I'm not sure why.
"Hon, I feel like in the past few weeks, you've backed away. What's up?" Just communicate, no games, no testing, no trying to control his response by your actions. "I'm a more anxious type than you are & could use a bit more reassurance."
*Next time you reach a 3-month mark with someone and want to clarify relationship status, I highly recommend stating your feelings about it rather than asking him to define them for you. Asking him to tell you "Are we together?" is very different than opening up a discussion with "I like the way this is going & am starting to feel pretty serious, are you feeling it too?"
posted by headnsouth at 4:37 AM on May 10, 2013 [27 favorites]
I was going to write something long but headnsouth nailed it. Be up front, not in an aggressive way, in an honest way. Just because he uses texting and FB different from you doesn't mean anything. You need to be open and honest, and also chill out a little.
posted by leecohen at 4:52 AM on May 10, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by leecohen at 4:52 AM on May 10, 2013 [1 favorite]
These unexplainable (considering 3 months) insecurities are driving him away. You've got to be secure, very few guys want to get serious with a girl who is checking FB statuses and the text "response clock."
He's picking up on this - relax. Quickly.
posted by Kruger5 at 5:15 AM on May 10, 2013 [3 favorites]
He's picking up on this - relax. Quickly.
posted by Kruger5 at 5:15 AM on May 10, 2013 [3 favorites]
I feel like if you are not comfortable telling him your feelings, something is wrong with the relationship. If you two are compatible that should be fine and pretending not to care will just keep you in a fundamentally incompatible situation.
I totally disagree with Kruger that "most" guys would be freaked out by this. Some will, but if you need more from a relationship then you shouldn't be with those guys.
posted by wildcrdj at 5:21 AM on May 10, 2013 [5 favorites]
I totally disagree with Kruger that "most" guys would be freaked out by this. Some will, but if you need more from a relationship then you shouldn't be with those guys.
posted by wildcrdj at 5:21 AM on May 10, 2013 [5 favorites]
Be super-honest and super-open. Don't play games, and don't play cool.
You are who you are and you feel what you feel. The next time you're together, say something like, "I'm really falling for you and I love the way it mkes me feel." Either he's cool with that and says something similar back to you, or he runs away so fast he leaves skid marks.
You can't control how other people react, but give what you want to get. If you want your BF to be open and honest with you and to express his feelings, then you should be willing to do that too.
As for FB Status and texting, I dispair of the youger generation. Social media is an awesome way to see baby and cat pictures, but it's not a barometer of a relationship.
If you feel insecure, SAY SO! "I'm feeling needy today. I need to hear something nice from you." That doesn't put him on the spot, it lets him know exactly what's in your head and you've given him a specific instruction about how to help you.
If you want to take the relationship to a different level, then ask for that. "We've been dating for three months now. I think it's going great and I want to be exclusive, how do you feel about that?" Or, "You know, I really want to get married and have a family in next couple of years. Is that what you want too?"
Sometimes you have to put yourself out there, sometimes you have to risk rejection, BUT, wouldn't you rather know up front, before you invest time and emotions, that the person you're dating isn't serious?
That's the problem with the unknown. As long as there's a question mark, you can pretend that it's all going your way. But when you get information that contradicts that view, it makes you freak out a little. This is no way to live.
Be honest and say what you're thinking. It's the scariest thing you'll ever do, but TRUST me, it will weed out the less serious folks and you'll get where you want to go faster.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 5:42 AM on May 10, 2013 [18 favorites]
You are who you are and you feel what you feel. The next time you're together, say something like, "I'm really falling for you and I love the way it mkes me feel." Either he's cool with that and says something similar back to you, or he runs away so fast he leaves skid marks.
You can't control how other people react, but give what you want to get. If you want your BF to be open and honest with you and to express his feelings, then you should be willing to do that too.
As for FB Status and texting, I dispair of the youger generation. Social media is an awesome way to see baby and cat pictures, but it's not a barometer of a relationship.
If you feel insecure, SAY SO! "I'm feeling needy today. I need to hear something nice from you." That doesn't put him on the spot, it lets him know exactly what's in your head and you've given him a specific instruction about how to help you.
If you want to take the relationship to a different level, then ask for that. "We've been dating for three months now. I think it's going great and I want to be exclusive, how do you feel about that?" Or, "You know, I really want to get married and have a family in next couple of years. Is that what you want too?"
Sometimes you have to put yourself out there, sometimes you have to risk rejection, BUT, wouldn't you rather know up front, before you invest time and emotions, that the person you're dating isn't serious?
That's the problem with the unknown. As long as there's a question mark, you can pretend that it's all going your way. But when you get information that contradicts that view, it makes you freak out a little. This is no way to live.
Be honest and say what you're thinking. It's the scariest thing you'll ever do, but TRUST me, it will weed out the less serious folks and you'll get where you want to go faster.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 5:42 AM on May 10, 2013 [18 favorites]
I've been there and it's not very fun. It sounds like — whether he realizes/acknowledges this or not — you're getting mixed messages from him. This may be something that can be resolved, but only if you both step up and communicate honestly. Your responsibility here is to tell him how you're feeling. His responsibility is to listen to your concerns, take them seriously and take some action. Both of you have the shared responsibility of continuing to communicate and work through this. Whether that leads to you breaking up or moving forward, you need to be heading towards the place where you don't feel so stressed and worried. Three months in should still be exciting and discovery-filled, not overshadowed by anxiety and strategery.
I'm also of the personal opinion that talking every single day —on his terms no less— is a bit dooming for the relationship. Especially if it's causing you to be pulled in several directions (wanting to accommodate that request, both being very busy, waiting for his contact and then feeling ignored by that setup which isn't ideal for you anyway). Things like this, the FB status, etc. are all structural changes that may need recalibrating, in addition to the pulling away and communication issues. You are allowed to have feelings and opinions about any and all of this and you shouldn't feel like a nag or pressurer to bring them up. Go forth and express yourself; see what he does with it. That will be the most telling of all.
posted by iamkimiam at 7:10 AM on May 10, 2013 [1 favorite]
I'm also of the personal opinion that talking every single day —on his terms no less— is a bit dooming for the relationship. Especially if it's causing you to be pulled in several directions (wanting to accommodate that request, both being very busy, waiting for his contact and then feeling ignored by that setup which isn't ideal for you anyway). Things like this, the FB status, etc. are all structural changes that may need recalibrating, in addition to the pulling away and communication issues. You are allowed to have feelings and opinions about any and all of this and you shouldn't feel like a nag or pressurer to bring them up. Go forth and express yourself; see what he does with it. That will be the most telling of all.
posted by iamkimiam at 7:10 AM on May 10, 2013 [1 favorite]
If you can't tell him how you are feeling, then you should question whether this is the type of emotionally open and honest dynamic between two people that can lead to a long term healthy and happy relationship.
posted by Dansaman at 8:04 AM on May 10, 2013 [4 favorites]
posted by Dansaman at 8:04 AM on May 10, 2013 [4 favorites]
Tel3path really nails it. DTMFA.
Everything is on his terms. Of course he's taken aback when you even hint at the slightest objecction to a dynamic which thus far has totally catered to him....
How dare you! Amirite?!?!
Hon, he sounds benignly self-centered, at best. He doesn't do it to be mean, he just doesn't register you as a fully functioning human being, just like he thinks he is. You are a prop, someone pleasant to have around. Your actally feelings don't seem to matter much to this guy, and I doubt he understands the concept that good intimate relationships go both ways.
QUESTION: Why would you want to be with someone you have to, "play it cool" with in order for them to keep spending time with you?
ANSWER: You don't, this is not a recipe for long lasting relationship happiness.
Cut bait and dump him. After 3 months, this is not going to improve.
I HEARTILY disagree with anyone who says you must further contort your needs and emotions for this person's comfort.
At 3 months, you found out he's pleasant and fun to date as long as you don't require actual human intimate interaction or consideration.
Dump him. Find someone who wants a fully functioning and mutually fulfilling intimate relationship.
This person is emotionally aloof and will never meet your (normal & valid) relationship needs.
posted by jbenben at 8:40 AM on May 10, 2013 [12 favorites]
Everything is on his terms. Of course he's taken aback when you even hint at the slightest objecction to a dynamic which thus far has totally catered to him....
How dare you! Amirite?!?!
Hon, he sounds benignly self-centered, at best. He doesn't do it to be mean, he just doesn't register you as a fully functioning human being, just like he thinks he is. You are a prop, someone pleasant to have around. Your actally feelings don't seem to matter much to this guy, and I doubt he understands the concept that good intimate relationships go both ways.
QUESTION: Why would you want to be with someone you have to, "play it cool" with in order for them to keep spending time with you?
ANSWER: You don't, this is not a recipe for long lasting relationship happiness.
Cut bait and dump him. After 3 months, this is not going to improve.
I HEARTILY disagree with anyone who says you must further contort your needs and emotions for this person's comfort.
At 3 months, you found out he's pleasant and fun to date as long as you don't require actual human intimate interaction or consideration.
Dump him. Find someone who wants a fully functioning and mutually fulfilling intimate relationship.
This person is emotionally aloof and will never meet your (normal & valid) relationship needs.
posted by jbenben at 8:40 AM on May 10, 2013 [12 favorites]
I disagree that the guy is having everything be on his terms. OP it sounds to me like you are passively insisting that the guy have everything on his terms. You're asking and wondering and worrying ... instead of stating and expressing your preferences/needs. By doing it that way, you don't risk the rejection of him saying "I don't feel what you feel." But you also create an environment where you don't have any agency. And you're the one creating that environment, not this guy or anyone else.
The only thing you say the guy has done as far as "on his terms" is want to talk with you every day. That's not selfish and aloof, that's "I like you!" Beyond that, the only conversation you have referred to here is you saying "what's our status?" and him saying "Oh, I thought you knew! We're a thing!"
I just don't see where the guy is being selfish and aloof. OP, you describe yourself as anxious and insecure about relationships. That doesn't mean the current guy made you that way, that means you're bringing your insecurities with you.
He said that he assumed it didn't need a conversation and that we were.
For the record, many, many people assume it doesn't need a conversation. If you want a conversation, by all means initiate one.
posted by headnsouth at 8:55 AM on May 10, 2013 [19 favorites]
The only thing you say the guy has done as far as "on his terms" is want to talk with you every day. That's not selfish and aloof, that's "I like you!" Beyond that, the only conversation you have referred to here is you saying "what's our status?" and him saying "Oh, I thought you knew! We're a thing!"
I just don't see where the guy is being selfish and aloof. OP, you describe yourself as anxious and insecure about relationships. That doesn't mean the current guy made you that way, that means you're bringing your insecurities with you.
He said that he assumed it didn't need a conversation and that we were.
For the record, many, many people assume it doesn't need a conversation. If you want a conversation, by all means initiate one.
posted by headnsouth at 8:55 AM on May 10, 2013 [19 favorites]
Take a moment and think about how being with him makes you feel. Do you like this feeling? If the answer is yes, then hold onto that during your insecure moments. If the answer is no, which, I'm guessing it will be by your post, then focus on that. Are the problems fixable? Are they worth being fixed? It's okay for it to not work out. It just leaves room in your life for someone who will make you feel wonderful, every day.
posted by myselfasme at 9:05 AM on May 10, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by myselfasme at 9:05 AM on May 10, 2013 [1 favorite]
The rush to say, "it's not bliss and butterflies at 3 months?! DTMFA!" always strikes me as well-intentioned but not exactly universally applicable. People are different; they need different things, they calm down and open up and bond at different rates. Some people need security and stability before they can feel the butterflies-constant sexing-swoony emotions.
/soapbox
OP: so, you do know what he thinks about your relationship status, but you say you don't. Do you not believe him?
What is making you feel he's pulling away? Because meeting family, talking daily...these are things that generally make people feel closer. If you can't put a finger on anything except slow texting, you might want to consider that this is way more about you. What do you need that you aren't getting? Because he's throwing signs of SERIOUSNESS left and right, girl.
I understand that feeling of, omg he didn't answer my text, he's probably meeting the love of his life right now and i can't stop it and he's going to leave and I'll die eaten by cats. But that's ME, that is MY brain not wanting to cope with the fact that most things in life are out of my control.
And resolving those feelings wasn't something the man in question could really do; the only thing he could have done was glue himself to my hip and never ever be out of sight. If reading that sentence made you think "hmm, I DO have some krazy glue in the cabinet..." then you know that this shit is yours to handle. :)
posted by like_a_friend at 9:33 AM on May 10, 2013 [11 favorites]
/soapbox
OP: so, you do know what he thinks about your relationship status, but you say you don't. Do you not believe him?
What is making you feel he's pulling away? Because meeting family, talking daily...these are things that generally make people feel closer. If you can't put a finger on anything except slow texting, you might want to consider that this is way more about you. What do you need that you aren't getting? Because he's throwing signs of SERIOUSNESS left and right, girl.
I understand that feeling of, omg he didn't answer my text, he's probably meeting the love of his life right now and i can't stop it and he's going to leave and I'll die eaten by cats. But that's ME, that is MY brain not wanting to cope with the fact that most things in life are out of my control.
And resolving those feelings wasn't something the man in question could really do; the only thing he could have done was glue himself to my hip and never ever be out of sight. If reading that sentence made you think "hmm, I DO have some krazy glue in the cabinet..." then you know that this shit is yours to handle. :)
posted by like_a_friend at 9:33 AM on May 10, 2013 [11 favorites]
You might find it useful to glance at the book *Attached,* by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. It has a perceptive approach to the kind of relationship dynamics that you're describing.
posted by chicainthecity at 10:23 AM on May 10, 2013
posted by chicainthecity at 10:23 AM on May 10, 2013
I live with my girlfriend. We've been dating for 3 years and some change, with a few brief speedbumps. My Facebook says single, so does hers.(although she sarcastically lists me as her "uncle", so she shows up as my niece on mine. Long story). This is pretty typical among people I know at a few months in, and some, forever. I remember being freaked out when a previous girlfriend set hers to "in a relationship" at a couple months, and presented it to me later in an awkward conversation about how I should too/why hadn't I?
Honestly though, this sounds a hell of a lot like every relationship I've ever had. They just grow organically without a whole lot of discussion as to where we stand until we're really blatantly dating, and someone asks the "so were dating, right?" Question when were in some laughably coupley situation.
First of all, you said you talk at least once a day, not just once a day. This comes off that he's making a point of communicating with you. I can't really see how this can be read as a negative thing. It comes off as "even that day my car explodes and I take a cab to work and then bla bla bla, I still made a point of talking to her, and it was the highlight of my otherwise shit day"
he takes FOREVER to get back to me whenever I text him/ message him.
Ok, ugh. So I've been on both sides of this. I can't always respond to texts at work, and can't exactly tuck my phone in to my underwear on the couch. So i randomly take a while to respond since without specific cause, I'm not a neurotic phone checker. This has annoyed/stressed out partners before when I didn't respond as quickly as they wanted. However, my partner can't text at work at all, and generally won't when she's visiting her parents or involved in various other activities... And I get the same kind of "what the hell, is this intentional? Are they making me wait? Is this sending some stupid message?" Feelings. So pretty much, I've been the pitcher and the catcher on this one.
And you know what? Knock it the fuck off. No one likes this person. I make a point of always mentally slapping myself when I'm upset about this now(unless I know it's some conscious silent treatment stuff for sure), because I know it's complete bullshit and incredibly gross from the other side. Don't do this. This is a you thing, not a him thing unless you have other evidence that he's being manipulative or trying to otherwise control the situation, which it really doesn't sound like. If you date someone else who is like this about texting, it will eventually get to you. Especially if they're the type to send "...?", "Hello?", Or "ok" type of texts after 5 minutes of you not responding(and you don't do this, RIGHT? This is an important detail). Not to mention, do you always respond as quickly as you'd expect him to? No, right? But that's somehow different I bet because you had XYZ reason. Yea. You see where I'm going with this.
Whatever you do though, don't do some silent treatment back away thing. That's basically a constructive breakup. As in, making him drop the hammer so you don't have to. But from his side, you will have just faded out. See where I'm going with this? I'd say talk to him.
I've had this kind of talk with partners, and they've had it with me. If they're full of shit, and are going to talk something they won't walk... It'll be fairly obvious in a couple weeks when they go back to their normal BS(this is of course, ignoring the fact that I don't really see anything wrong here in your situation). But more than likely, this will be the first he's heard of the problem.
Maybe he's busy with family problems(parents health issues, etc), maybe he's busy with work and keeps getting stuck there late, maybe...
You'll only know if you sit down and talk to him. I really think what people are reading in to this short post is pretty uncharitable to him, too, and full of projection from past "similar" people in their lives who fit this very vague mold.
Oh, and is he really pulling back? Or is he just not ramping up as quickly as you think he should be in your mind. Because maybe he's giving it 110% with how his life is right now, or is just easing in to it more slowly than you expect(which this early on, wtf? But hey, everyone's different I guess)
I'm with like_a_friend on this. This guys way of starting a relationship is very similar to mine(to reiterate), and as they said, this is throwing signs of seriousness left and right.
Hell, I wouldn't want to talk to the person too much to not seem too clingy/like I was moving too fast. Id have my own mild neurosis going on about what you thought was going on here. Ever consider what he's feeling along those lines of early relationship "what is this?" Stress?
I also have the personal opinion that barring some massive car crash of drama or incompatibility, a relationship takes at least like 6 months-ish to really wind up and be something, or definitively be not worth pursuing. most of my relationships have lasted that long even if I had doubts. It was either cool then, or obviously falling apart at the seams then. I would pretty much see where this goes, at this point. I think it's too early to call either way. This is like the first episodes of a TV series after the pilot when they're still introducing characters and locations/items that set the stage for the story, and no actual "and they they go do X" episodes have even happened yet. Give it a chance to get interesting.
posted by emptythought at 11:10 AM on May 10, 2013 [11 favorites]
Honestly though, this sounds a hell of a lot like every relationship I've ever had. They just grow organically without a whole lot of discussion as to where we stand until we're really blatantly dating, and someone asks the "so were dating, right?" Question when were in some laughably coupley situation.
First of all, you said you talk at least once a day, not just once a day. This comes off that he's making a point of communicating with you. I can't really see how this can be read as a negative thing. It comes off as "even that day my car explodes and I take a cab to work and then bla bla bla, I still made a point of talking to her, and it was the highlight of my otherwise shit day"
he takes FOREVER to get back to me whenever I text him/ message him.
Ok, ugh. So I've been on both sides of this. I can't always respond to texts at work, and can't exactly tuck my phone in to my underwear on the couch. So i randomly take a while to respond since without specific cause, I'm not a neurotic phone checker. This has annoyed/stressed out partners before when I didn't respond as quickly as they wanted. However, my partner can't text at work at all, and generally won't when she's visiting her parents or involved in various other activities... And I get the same kind of "what the hell, is this intentional? Are they making me wait? Is this sending some stupid message?" Feelings. So pretty much, I've been the pitcher and the catcher on this one.
And you know what? Knock it the fuck off. No one likes this person. I make a point of always mentally slapping myself when I'm upset about this now(unless I know it's some conscious silent treatment stuff for sure), because I know it's complete bullshit and incredibly gross from the other side. Don't do this. This is a you thing, not a him thing unless you have other evidence that he's being manipulative or trying to otherwise control the situation, which it really doesn't sound like. If you date someone else who is like this about texting, it will eventually get to you. Especially if they're the type to send "...?", "Hello?", Or "ok" type of texts after 5 minutes of you not responding(and you don't do this, RIGHT? This is an important detail). Not to mention, do you always respond as quickly as you'd expect him to? No, right? But that's somehow different I bet because you had XYZ reason. Yea. You see where I'm going with this.
Whatever you do though, don't do some silent treatment back away thing. That's basically a constructive breakup. As in, making him drop the hammer so you don't have to. But from his side, you will have just faded out. See where I'm going with this? I'd say talk to him.
I've had this kind of talk with partners, and they've had it with me. If they're full of shit, and are going to talk something they won't walk... It'll be fairly obvious in a couple weeks when they go back to their normal BS(this is of course, ignoring the fact that I don't really see anything wrong here in your situation). But more than likely, this will be the first he's heard of the problem.
Maybe he's busy with family problems(parents health issues, etc), maybe he's busy with work and keeps getting stuck there late, maybe...
You'll only know if you sit down and talk to him. I really think what people are reading in to this short post is pretty uncharitable to him, too, and full of projection from past "similar" people in their lives who fit this very vague mold.
Oh, and is he really pulling back? Or is he just not ramping up as quickly as you think he should be in your mind. Because maybe he's giving it 110% with how his life is right now, or is just easing in to it more slowly than you expect(which this early on, wtf? But hey, everyone's different I guess)
I'm with like_a_friend on this. This guys way of starting a relationship is very similar to mine(to reiterate), and as they said, this is throwing signs of seriousness left and right.
Hell, I wouldn't want to talk to the person too much to not seem too clingy/like I was moving too fast. Id have my own mild neurosis going on about what you thought was going on here. Ever consider what he's feeling along those lines of early relationship "what is this?" Stress?
I also have the personal opinion that barring some massive car crash of drama or incompatibility, a relationship takes at least like 6 months-ish to really wind up and be something, or definitively be not worth pursuing. most of my relationships have lasted that long even if I had doubts. It was either cool then, or obviously falling apart at the seams then. I would pretty much see where this goes, at this point. I think it's too early to call either way. This is like the first episodes of a TV series after the pilot when they're still introducing characters and locations/items that set the stage for the story, and no actual "and they they go do X" episodes have even happened yet. Give it a chance to get interesting.
posted by emptythought at 11:10 AM on May 10, 2013 [11 favorites]
You don't sound very happy to me. If this relationship makes you feel insecure, end it.
posted by discopolo at 11:18 AM on May 10, 2013
posted by discopolo at 11:18 AM on May 10, 2013
I'm just confused what to do- I've tried to play the cool girl, giving him space.
Future tip:
Playing the "cool girl" is not a good way to get a healthy relationship. Playing the "cool girl" gets you the situation you're in now, where you're acting like you need nothing but air, water, and silence to sustain you.
The cool girl act is usually trying to convey one of two things:
1) I'm not like those needy chicks. I'm not high maintenance or crazy like them.
2) I'm so busy and fun loving that I don't need your attention.
Here's the problem with that portrayal. You're not being needy/crazy/high maintenance for wanting to pull over the relationship vehicle to make sure that everyone is going the same direction, especially at the three month point where exclusivity talks usually start to occur. Also, that "I'm so busy doing fun things that I don't need you" attitude is fundamentally dishonest if it's really a ploy, and you would much rather be doing fun things with your partner. There's nothing wrong with wanting to spend time with someone, especially during the chemical induced honeymoon stage. That's natural, not needy (as long as it's not taken to the extreme, and is to a degree that's satisfactory to both of you).
My experience has been that acting like you need nothing from a relationship will get you exactly that.*
*I don't mean that you should ever need a relationship, but that you should have a base line of stuff you need to make a relationship worth the chunk of your life that you would be dedicating to it.
posted by Shouraku at 11:51 AM on May 10, 2013 [7 favorites]
Future tip:
Playing the "cool girl" is not a good way to get a healthy relationship. Playing the "cool girl" gets you the situation you're in now, where you're acting like you need nothing but air, water, and silence to sustain you.
The cool girl act is usually trying to convey one of two things:
1) I'm not like those needy chicks. I'm not high maintenance or crazy like them.
2) I'm so busy and fun loving that I don't need your attention.
Here's the problem with that portrayal. You're not being needy/crazy/high maintenance for wanting to pull over the relationship vehicle to make sure that everyone is going the same direction, especially at the three month point where exclusivity talks usually start to occur. Also, that "I'm so busy doing fun things that I don't need you" attitude is fundamentally dishonest if it's really a ploy, and you would much rather be doing fun things with your partner. There's nothing wrong with wanting to spend time with someone, especially during the chemical induced honeymoon stage. That's natural, not needy (as long as it's not taken to the extreme, and is to a degree that's satisfactory to both of you).
My experience has been that acting like you need nothing from a relationship will get you exactly that.*
*I don't mean that you should ever need a relationship, but that you should have a base line of stuff you need to make a relationship worth the chunk of your life that you would be dedicating to it.
posted by Shouraku at 11:51 AM on May 10, 2013 [7 favorites]
Here's how I feel:
That if I push him, I'm going to seem clingy and push him away.
If you have good chemistry with the person, and they are a match for you, they will at the very least be able to handle your "clinginess" or you just wanting to be with them. My husband is overall less clingy than me.(However if he gets in one of those moods I literally can't get him to stop laying on me, cuddling, and nuzzling sometimes. I have to look at him dead in the eye and say "I love you, but I have to go pee...")
But overall I was more clingy and I never thought "I'm going to push him away" because that's how I am. I want attention. I want to be his center, and I am. That doesn't mean he can't hang out with friends, or do his own thing. We have plenty of "alone time" and plenty of "us time."
I would have never played it like "Oh no, it's okay I'm busy too" because that's not true. I would flat out tell him I missed him and wanted to see him, if he didn't like that or reciprocate it, then he's not a match for me.
Take that with a grain of salt because there is a difference between clingy and crazy, however I don't think you wanting him to text you back is crazy, or wanting to define your relationship after 3 months is crazy, but I also don't know you. I defined my relationship with my husband after a week.
Be open with him and talk to him. NO mind games, as others have said. That's just immature and doesn't solve anything.
posted by Crystalinne at 11:55 AM on May 10, 2013 [2 favorites]
That if I push him, I'm going to seem clingy and push him away.
If you have good chemistry with the person, and they are a match for you, they will at the very least be able to handle your "clinginess" or you just wanting to be with them. My husband is overall less clingy than me.(However if he gets in one of those moods I literally can't get him to stop laying on me, cuddling, and nuzzling sometimes. I have to look at him dead in the eye and say "I love you, but I have to go pee...")
But overall I was more clingy and I never thought "I'm going to push him away" because that's how I am. I want attention. I want to be his center, and I am. That doesn't mean he can't hang out with friends, or do his own thing. We have plenty of "alone time" and plenty of "us time."
I would have never played it like "Oh no, it's okay I'm busy too" because that's not true. I would flat out tell him I missed him and wanted to see him, if he didn't like that or reciprocate it, then he's not a match for me.
Take that with a grain of salt because there is a difference between clingy and crazy, however I don't think you wanting him to text you back is crazy, or wanting to define your relationship after 3 months is crazy, but I also don't know you. I defined my relationship with my husband after a week.
Be open with him and talk to him. NO mind games, as others have said. That's just immature and doesn't solve anything.
posted by Crystalinne at 11:55 AM on May 10, 2013 [2 favorites]
it sounds like he's old school and prefers actually talking on the phone to texting or facebook. that is not a bad thing at all and is more personal. i really wouldn't worry about facebook statuses. he sounds like he's too busy living in the real world to care about the virtual world. good for him.
you mentioned he's been pulling away but you haven't mentioned how. are you seeing him less or is he calling less or are you just feeling an emotional distance? i really like headnsouth's posts to you. just tell him it seems like he is pulling away a bit lately and ask what is going on. if you are wanting to see him more than step up and suggest a fun get together that can be as simple as takeout and a movie on the couch or whatever you guys like to do. personally, i would start initiating things more rather than having a talk and saying you want to spend more time together if that is what you are wanting. one, because it isn't putting the burden on him and placing you in a passive position and two, because actions speak louder than words and he'll get your message. just know that it is more than okay to ask for what you want.
posted by wildflower at 1:27 PM on May 10, 2013
you mentioned he's been pulling away but you haven't mentioned how. are you seeing him less or is he calling less or are you just feeling an emotional distance? i really like headnsouth's posts to you. just tell him it seems like he is pulling away a bit lately and ask what is going on. if you are wanting to see him more than step up and suggest a fun get together that can be as simple as takeout and a movie on the couch or whatever you guys like to do. personally, i would start initiating things more rather than having a talk and saying you want to spend more time together if that is what you are wanting. one, because it isn't putting the burden on him and placing you in a passive position and two, because actions speak louder than words and he'll get your message. just know that it is more than okay to ask for what you want.
posted by wildflower at 1:27 PM on May 10, 2013
What do you want from this guy and this relationship? Have you tried actually telling him that? Defining the relationship and stating your needs isn't clingy or pushy. (Nor does it mean he's an asshole if he doesn't agree or accommodate.) But you need to actually have that conversation.
posted by sm1tten at 1:27 PM on May 10, 2013
posted by sm1tten at 1:27 PM on May 10, 2013
Yeah, I don't see a DTMFA mandate here - I see some anxiety and insecurities that I think are very common among women because of the ways we're taught to relate to men, and to me it sounds like most of the anxiety is coming from OP herself, not from the way her partner treats her. I saw "taken aback" not as an "omg how DARE you ask that?!" thing but just him being surprised that his way of expressing that he was serious about her wasn't understood as clearly as he thought. These are just two people with different relationship styles. As long as they are talking about them, this can work.
OP, I think you don't need to assume that being "cool" means not being the one to initiate contact or being afraid to ask for more when something isn't working for you. Everyone (it has nothing to do with gender in reality) does relationships, and communication within relationships, differently, and I think everyone appreciates having their partner's needs spelled out and understood.
These are definitely conversations that you can have:
1) "I see that you're still single on Facebook. Can we change our relationship status? I think this is important because ______. What are your thoughts?"
2) "I feel like you've been distant these past couple of weeks. Is something wrong? I would like us to spend more time being affectionate, but let me know what your needs are right now."
Also, again, everyone is different, and sometimes you will need to compromise between having your needs met and your partner having his met. These kinds of conversations should be a give and take between 'this is what I am feeling and this is what I would like to happen' and 'what are you feeling? What would you like to have happen?'
posted by capricorn at 1:56 PM on May 10, 2013
OP, I think you don't need to assume that being "cool" means not being the one to initiate contact or being afraid to ask for more when something isn't working for you. Everyone (it has nothing to do with gender in reality) does relationships, and communication within relationships, differently, and I think everyone appreciates having their partner's needs spelled out and understood.
These are definitely conversations that you can have:
1) "I see that you're still single on Facebook. Can we change our relationship status? I think this is important because ______. What are your thoughts?"
2) "I feel like you've been distant these past couple of weeks. Is something wrong? I would like us to spend more time being affectionate, but let me know what your needs are right now."
Also, again, everyone is different, and sometimes you will need to compromise between having your needs met and your partner having his met. These kinds of conversations should be a give and take between 'this is what I am feeling and this is what I would like to happen' and 'what are you feeling? What would you like to have happen?'
posted by capricorn at 1:56 PM on May 10, 2013
I have to 2nd chicainthecity's rec for the book Attached. It sounds like your relationship is a textbook example of the avoidant/anxious dynamic (if that book is the textbook).
posted by Asparagus at 1:59 PM on May 10, 2013
posted by Asparagus at 1:59 PM on May 10, 2013
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Don't play games. Tell him what you are feeling. If you scare him away by asking for clarity at this point, after three months of dating, he was going to leave anyway, and you're better off knowing now than later.
posted by empath at 4:25 AM on May 10, 2013 [36 favorites]