How do we deal with adults acting like teenagers?
May 6, 2013 5:33 AM Subscribe
How to deal with a snowball of special snowflake drama from supposed friends and set clear boundaries when they are being clearly unreasonable.
posted by Trexsock to Human Relations (23 answers total) 3 users marked this as a favorite
Related to the last question I posted whereas slightly different. (Yes I took the advice and brought it up to her and we've discussed the issue... this kinda spawned from it whereas not from our side):
This question is for me and my girlfriend (Q - aged 26); she has a best friend (M - aged 21) who she's been friends with for a good few years now. They used to talk every single day online pretty constantly before we got together. They were a sort of support system for each other while going through some shitty times - both suffering from depression and M with severe anxiety to top it all off.
Myself and my gf made friends at the same time as myself and M, as well as a 4th person (C - aged 21). For a while, we were all good friends but then me and Q started getting closer and chatting on webcam every night for around 8 hours or so. This caused an issue with both M and C, as they said they could tell when we were chatting together as we both started ignoring them. Both M and C have an issue they've talked about before where they are afraid of people leaving them and being ignored, so myself and Q think this factors into their reaction quite a lot.
M and Q have been having a lot of issues because of all this; they've had lots of arguments where M makes Q feel like she's the one in the wrong all the time, and as if she's not considering M's feelings when I know that she has been doing quite intensely.
M claims that Q is ignoring her because she doesn't reply to messages straight away, and that she's been "dumped" for me because she now has everything she needs in her relationship with me.
Meanwhile, C and M have been getting closer and closer during this time. C makes passive aggressive posts on her blog, vague enough that people who don't know what's going on wouldn't think anything of it, but completely obvious to us that they're about me and Q. She took it upon herself to talk to Q online, getting really pissy and angry about how Q wasn't considering M's feelings and that she was "skirting around the issue", which Q quite rightly got pissed off at. She gave C a piece of her mind about not getting involved, since it wasn't anything to do with her, and then she seemed like she backed off.
On the same day, M and Q decided that they should have a "friendship break" for two weeks to see if they can take a step back and sort things out and then see if they can be friends again afterwards. All well and good, but still feeling super teenagey. So that was going well right up until last night, when Q got an anonymous message being rude about a hairstyle she's considering - it was quite obvious it was from one of the parties above, because the grammar and writing style was identical. Q responded in kind, leading to more anonymous messages getting pissed off at her reactions. In the end, M and C unfollowed both myself and Q on this blog, leading to myself unfollowing them too. I got a message from M afterwards explaining, and saying that she didn't want me to take it personally because it was only temporary and that it was weird for her to see my posts from Q. I replied fairly reasonably, but then M's housemate (L - aged 22) decided to get involved and send me messages too, saying that I was attacking M and that I should keep out of it.
Sounds somewhat hypocritical to me, and again, feeling a lot like being 15 and in high school. Messages went back and forth between me and L where she got really aggressive and said that Q should start thinking about how her actions are affecting M.
So I think that basically the point is: how the hell do we deal with all this drama? It's making me and Q really stressed out and increasing my own anxiety. I know Q doesn't want to cut contact forever with M considering how close they are, but the fact that she's just getting other people involved is really getting to Q.
I would, myself, prefer to cut contact but obviously that'd be a strain to the relationship and it's not something I can honestly demand out of anyone, least someone I care so much about. On the other hand, it's been so much stress and drama in such a short amount of time that I am at my wits end about all of this.
PS: Me and Q have been able to talk about all of this and can not figure out the best solution to take, hence this post. Things are great between us, but -- at least from to me -- this situation is really taking a toll, whereas not heavy, in the relationship.