Ideological differences with husband and lack of emotional understanding
April 30, 2013 10:21 AM Subscribe
My husband of 1.5 years and I have been constantly fighting all the time. We have ideological differences in what we want from life and family, and the gender roles within the family. I feel stifled and feel like I have been making all sacrifices without getting any support or admiration. I am not his precious, if you know what I mean. Over time, I’ve started feeling like I am just a means to an end for my husband and he doesn’t really love or care for me as a person. Husband, on the other hand, feels like what is important for him (his list: his parents, baptism of our daughter, household responsibilities to be taken care of by wife and ability to state his position even if it is different from mine, which often times it is) are not important to me. I believe in solid nuclear family structure, equality of genders in household chores, saving up on behalf of both partners and investing wisely. I am not overtly religious and hope not to make my kids overtly religious, even though I don’t have any issue with baptism per se. I am 31 and husband is 33 years old, and we are both quite highly educated.
posted by Spice_and_Ice to Human Relations (63 answers total)
Let me apologize at the outset at the length of my post – I couldn’t figure out how to make it shorter. I am very frustrated and confused and hope to find some advice in order to make my life happy and peaceful again.
Husband and I dated for a year before getting married, and both feel like we jumped into it too soon. We were so much ‘in love’ that all above problems seems trivial and we thought we’d figure it out. But our differences became very stark with each passing month in the marriage. I fell pregnant after 4 months of being married, and it made our lives even more complicated.
Our daughter was born 3 months ago, and family arrived to “help us out”. His overbearing mother (husband admits she can be over bearing and hot tempered) arrived for a month, and left in 4 days when I told her off about something she said. From that time, my husband and my relationship has been fractured completely. He didn’t speak to me for 3 weeks following MILs departure, because he was deeply hurt that his mother left and said she would never come back. He is very close to his mother and tells her almost everything. When she was at our place, I felt like I was the third wheel in the marriage and that was one reason why I was happy to see her go. However, I am not sure I can forgive my husband for not really “being there for me” when the baby was 10 days old. He went silent on me for weeks and I was breastfeeding and recovering from a nightmare of a difficult labor and it was THE most horrible time in my life. He later told me that he regrets behaving in this way, and the timing was bad, but that the on-going problems in relationship and the fact that his folks didn’t feel welcome really made his go into his own shell.
Our sex life is and has been as boring as it gets. He has porn addiction and it completely turns me off. He is also working pretty late hours at his job and on most days has no energy when he gets back home. From my perspective though, this issue can be fixed if both partners are willing to make efforts, and I don’t want to make this a bigger issue than what it is, even though I am somewhat sexually frustrated.
I've become very bitter and I feel angry all the time. In my angry outbursts , I call him names. I know that this is wrong and that I should change this, and perhaps this is one reason why my marriage has been so rocky. I don't really know how to not feel so hurt - Will CBT or any other help? Any intelligent individual can solve their problems by talking to friends and family, but in this case I am at my wits end. Will I even have time to go for therapy with a little baby?!
I am contemplating divorce to get that peace of mind. The daily fighting puts me down and affects my self-confidence and inner peace. Not that I was the most-confident –alpha-female in the room, but I have fairly good achievements including an Ivy League degree. However, I have started feeling like a failure. Wonder if it is because a) I now have to make all the sacrifices while my husband can still go out and be a super star at work, or whether b) Something about or marriage has demotivated me from within. I feel like a) can be fixed by having a better work-life discipline and better support system in terms of baby responsibilities, but if it is b) then am afraid this is a dead end. Am I being reckless or selfish thinking about divorce? My parents tell me I am but they are very conservative and they also don't know sad I am.
In my heart of hearts, I know that I would have split with him had we not been married for sure. Had we been married, but not had a baby, the thought of splitting would have been more difficult (marriage is very important to me). My daughter is the game-changer in that I don't want to be selfish and deny her two parents' love and a good upbringing (I personally don't care about husband’s income. I can earn as much as him in time, as I only just started working and he's been working for 8 years. But it will change how many pretty dresses I can buy for my daughter and what school/summer camps she goes to). Being a single mother also scares me somewhat as I never thought I'd have to be one. I am from a fairly conservative family and no one in our family has been divorced.
I feel so lonely, and frustrated. This is truly the hardest time in my life.
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