Help me have a higher quality of life living with the parents this time!
April 29, 2013 9:30 PM Subscribe
Two nights from now I will be back living with the parents on the other end of the country. Help me turn this into a positive experience. What worked for you?
I moved across the country three months ago. I did something I was told by many to be possible, which was move across the country without a job and not knowing a soul. I succeeded in every way: I landed a full-time job quickly doing the same thing I did back home, and also working in my target neighborhood for my target company. It was easy.
Though everything is working out here, I've made the decision to move back home and live with my parents for now. My former employer there is giving me my job back as soon as I land, so I can just pick up where I left off. I still have most of my savings.
A big part of the reason for me moving back home is that I've been struggling with depression and anxiety issues for the past five or so years, and I feel that I have to face them head on before moving forward with my life. And I have a better chance of doing that back home.
But my mind is the clearest and cleanest it's been in a very long time. Even so, I'm going to be seeing a therapist after I'm back, something I was so ignorant to in the past.
But this question is not really about those issues. I want to have a higher quality of life for as long as I'm living with the parents. I'm definitely not the same person I was before I moved, for the better. I've heard of people moving back home temporarily to find their true calling, to take a deep look at theirselves, etc. And I want to do just that, I believe that I can emerge from all this a happy person.
What worked for you? What are some things you suggest that got you excited about waking up every day during this weird time of your life?
Let me give a bit of background on my situation at home. When I was living there before, I was waiting for everything to happen. Everything was building up to my cross-country move. I wasn't enjoying life there at all. Now I realize that I could have done different things to make life more enjoyable there.
This on the edge of the city limits of a medium-size American city/in the suburbs. I don't know how to drive but I have everything I need within a 2-to-4 mile radius: work, a nice outdoor shopping mall with a bar, movie theater, bunch of shops and restaurants, gym, etc.
I have no friends in the area, aside from co-workers that I mingle with there. Most of the people in this area are very old-fashioned and stuck in their ways, so it's hard to make friends.
My life here before was mainly just going to work and going home. Every now and then I went out, once a week or so.
In my situation, what can I do to have a more enjoyable life here and stop myself from going stir crazy? I'm definitely going to learn how to drive, go to therapy, etc. And I'm just going to make things happen, and make steps towards being who I want to be instead of putting them off.
Should I just try to get out more? Exercise daily? I'm a writer and do a lot of writing, maybe just try do those things at a cafe or something?
Also, as a side question: how can I handle dealing with people when I get back? Everyone will assume I came back because I couldn't handle or make it out there, but that's not the case at all. And I really don't want to say the real reason. Would saying "It's personal" suffice?
I definitely don't plan on being here long-term. This is just while I get my shit together. So how can I turn this into something positive?
Oh, and my parents are pretty chill. Same problems anyone has with their parents, though.
I moved across the country three months ago. I did something I was told by many to be possible, which was move across the country without a job and not knowing a soul. I succeeded in every way: I landed a full-time job quickly doing the same thing I did back home, and also working in my target neighborhood for my target company. It was easy.
Though everything is working out here, I've made the decision to move back home and live with my parents for now. My former employer there is giving me my job back as soon as I land, so I can just pick up where I left off. I still have most of my savings.
A big part of the reason for me moving back home is that I've been struggling with depression and anxiety issues for the past five or so years, and I feel that I have to face them head on before moving forward with my life. And I have a better chance of doing that back home.
But my mind is the clearest and cleanest it's been in a very long time. Even so, I'm going to be seeing a therapist after I'm back, something I was so ignorant to in the past.
But this question is not really about those issues. I want to have a higher quality of life for as long as I'm living with the parents. I'm definitely not the same person I was before I moved, for the better. I've heard of people moving back home temporarily to find their true calling, to take a deep look at theirselves, etc. And I want to do just that, I believe that I can emerge from all this a happy person.
What worked for you? What are some things you suggest that got you excited about waking up every day during this weird time of your life?
Let me give a bit of background on my situation at home. When I was living there before, I was waiting for everything to happen. Everything was building up to my cross-country move. I wasn't enjoying life there at all. Now I realize that I could have done different things to make life more enjoyable there.
This on the edge of the city limits of a medium-size American city/in the suburbs. I don't know how to drive but I have everything I need within a 2-to-4 mile radius: work, a nice outdoor shopping mall with a bar, movie theater, bunch of shops and restaurants, gym, etc.
I have no friends in the area, aside from co-workers that I mingle with there. Most of the people in this area are very old-fashioned and stuck in their ways, so it's hard to make friends.
My life here before was mainly just going to work and going home. Every now and then I went out, once a week or so.
In my situation, what can I do to have a more enjoyable life here and stop myself from going stir crazy? I'm definitely going to learn how to drive, go to therapy, etc. And I'm just going to make things happen, and make steps towards being who I want to be instead of putting them off.
Should I just try to get out more? Exercise daily? I'm a writer and do a lot of writing, maybe just try do those things at a cafe or something?
Also, as a side question: how can I handle dealing with people when I get back? Everyone will assume I came back because I couldn't handle or make it out there, but that's not the case at all. And I really don't want to say the real reason. Would saying "It's personal" suffice?
I definitely don't plan on being here long-term. This is just while I get my shit together. So how can I turn this into something positive?
Oh, and my parents are pretty chill. Same problems anyone has with their parents, though.
Learning to drive helped massively. Getting therapy helped.
Honestly though I'm concerned about this:
Let me give a bit of background on my situation at home. When I was living there before, I was waiting for everything to happen. Everything was building up to my cross-country move. I wasn't enjoying life there at all. Now I realize that I could have done different things to make life more enjoyable there.
I thought the same thing when I moved home last year to be with my family, and it turned out I was very wrong. Yes, I could improve things in my "old life," but I couldn't have the same things I could have in a different (better, IMO) city. I wish I had stayed in the city and worked on my anxiety and depression there, where I had better resources.
No one will probably care about you "failing," but some people might say something, make a dumb joke-- in which case you can just tell the truth, that you missed being home. Most people will let it drop at that. If not, they are assholes and who cares.
Anyway, your move is solidified so I'd recommend what you've been thinking about re: driving and therapy, and mostly I'd just focus on my mental health. But you need something outside of yourself-- for me the hardest part of moving home was I was cut off from "moving forward" in my education and career. If there's anything you can do to advance your career or your education at this time, I'd embrace it, especially if therapy is doing well. It's good for your sense of self and self-esteem.
posted by stoneandstar at 12:36 AM on April 30, 2013 [2 favorites]
Honestly though I'm concerned about this:
Let me give a bit of background on my situation at home. When I was living there before, I was waiting for everything to happen. Everything was building up to my cross-country move. I wasn't enjoying life there at all. Now I realize that I could have done different things to make life more enjoyable there.
I thought the same thing when I moved home last year to be with my family, and it turned out I was very wrong. Yes, I could improve things in my "old life," but I couldn't have the same things I could have in a different (better, IMO) city. I wish I had stayed in the city and worked on my anxiety and depression there, where I had better resources.
No one will probably care about you "failing," but some people might say something, make a dumb joke-- in which case you can just tell the truth, that you missed being home. Most people will let it drop at that. If not, they are assholes and who cares.
Anyway, your move is solidified so I'd recommend what you've been thinking about re: driving and therapy, and mostly I'd just focus on my mental health. But you need something outside of yourself-- for me the hardest part of moving home was I was cut off from "moving forward" in my education and career. If there's anything you can do to advance your career or your education at this time, I'd embrace it, especially if therapy is doing well. It's good for your sense of self and self-esteem.
posted by stoneandstar at 12:36 AM on April 30, 2013 [2 favorites]
I've got direct experience from the parental side. Our son moved back in with us, for almost exactly the same reason you give. It has been an extremely positive experience. Here's some advice based on what he's done:
* As far as you're able, BE A ROOMMATE. Don't regress to being a child again. Do your own laundry, clean up your own bedroom, clean the bathroom you use. If you eat most dinners together, offer to cook at least once a week, and help clean up other nights. You're employed, so pay your part of food and rent and utilities. Give them privacy.
* Find a satisfying volunteer opportunity. You'll probably have to try a couple unless you have very good luck. There may be some sort of volunteer center to help. Be willing to take a bus to it. I really believe this is a lynchpin to success in growing into who you authentically are.
* Start trying things that sound intriguing. Work to develop a meditation practice, take a class in something you've always wanted to try, martial arts or embroidery or motorcycle maintenance.
* Spend a chunk of time every single day outside, If you decide to write in a cafe, walk there and back. Walking can be ideal, but if you have problems with it, find a place you like to sit outside, and sit there every day.
* Don't watch television, unless it's a show you share with your parents. If there are shows you like to watch, catch them streaming or later on dvd. This will help more than you can imagine.
Remember that throughout most of the world, and most of our history, it's perfectly ordinary for an unmarried child to live with his or her parents. Good luck!
posted by kestralwing at 12:47 AM on April 30, 2013 [13 favorites]
* As far as you're able, BE A ROOMMATE. Don't regress to being a child again. Do your own laundry, clean up your own bedroom, clean the bathroom you use. If you eat most dinners together, offer to cook at least once a week, and help clean up other nights. You're employed, so pay your part of food and rent and utilities. Give them privacy.
* Find a satisfying volunteer opportunity. You'll probably have to try a couple unless you have very good luck. There may be some sort of volunteer center to help. Be willing to take a bus to it. I really believe this is a lynchpin to success in growing into who you authentically are.
* Start trying things that sound intriguing. Work to develop a meditation practice, take a class in something you've always wanted to try, martial arts or embroidery or motorcycle maintenance.
* Spend a chunk of time every single day outside, If you decide to write in a cafe, walk there and back. Walking can be ideal, but if you have problems with it, find a place you like to sit outside, and sit there every day.
* Don't watch television, unless it's a show you share with your parents. If there are shows you like to watch, catch them streaming or later on dvd. This will help more than you can imagine.
Remember that throughout most of the world, and most of our history, it's perfectly ordinary for an unmarried child to live with his or her parents. Good luck!
posted by kestralwing at 12:47 AM on April 30, 2013 [13 favorites]
What are some things you suggest that got you excited about waking up every day during this weird time of your life?
Give yourself an end date and stick to it. Save money if you can (but, contribute). Move into the actual city asap.
posted by nelljie at 1:52 AM on April 30, 2013
Give yourself an end date and stick to it. Save money if you can (but, contribute). Move into the actual city asap.
posted by nelljie at 1:52 AM on April 30, 2013
Let's talk about your bedroom: do what you can to change your bedroom from the place you spent your childhood to a nifty studio apartment: change up the art work, rearrange the furniture, buy (new or used depending on your budget) some cool accent items or even new items of furniture, update the window treatments, paint the walls, etc.
posted by Pineapplicious at 6:28 AM on April 30, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by Pineapplicious at 6:28 AM on April 30, 2013 [1 favorite]
Oh, and my parents are pretty chill. Same problems anyone has with their parents, though.
Don't underestimate the effect that living with your parents has on your psyche. There are reasons why people don't do this. (And in cultures where they do, they do it differently than in the US.) I'm not saying don't do it, but watch yourself for signs that this is undermining you psychologically. It's not for nothing that there are all those comedies about people coming home for the holidays and instantly regressing. It doesn't mean you are bad or your parents are bad, but that dynamic can really do a number on you. If you see that happening don't ignore it.
posted by BibiRose at 7:22 AM on April 30, 2013 [1 favorite]
Don't underestimate the effect that living with your parents has on your psyche. There are reasons why people don't do this. (And in cultures where they do, they do it differently than in the US.) I'm not saying don't do it, but watch yourself for signs that this is undermining you psychologically. It's not for nothing that there are all those comedies about people coming home for the holidays and instantly regressing. It doesn't mean you are bad or your parents are bad, but that dynamic can really do a number on you. If you see that happening don't ignore it.
posted by BibiRose at 7:22 AM on April 30, 2013 [1 favorite]
Act like a grown up with them and not a child, so like kestralwing said you do your own laundry, clean up after yourself do jobs around the house without being asked like mow the lawn or whatever. Acting like a grown up is the easiest way to be treated like one and that is probably a lot healthier position for you to be in. I'd also look at chipping in for food, toiletries and utilities if you aren't buying your own already. Be as independent as possible while still living at home will go a long way toward you building your own sense of self.
Set yourself goals and try to meet them, you did that with the moving to another city and know how good that can feel, now set yourself a range of goals for different time lengths and work towards them.
posted by wwax at 7:30 AM on April 30, 2013
Set yourself goals and try to meet them, you did that with the moving to another city and know how good that can feel, now set yourself a range of goals for different time lengths and work towards them.
posted by wwax at 7:30 AM on April 30, 2013
I'd say that you have unrealistic expectations of what you can accomplish with your move.
It almost seems like magical thinking. "I moved, I changed, so if I move back, I'll be in a better place to tackle my depression and anxiety issues." Maybe yes, maybe no, but don't think that this situation will magically aid you in resolving these issues.
When you lived in this city previously, you were waiting for something to happen. Interestingly enough, you also believe that you have to move back to make the changes that are necessary before you can "move on with your life." I hate to tell you this but your life moves on no matter what, and you'll never be fully prepared. It doesn't matter where you are or what you're doing.
What exactly do you expect to be doing to make the changes you want to make. Have you lined up a therapist? Are you joining a support group? Have you discussed medication with your doctor? Those are concrete steps you need to take. Don't wait, take them now.
Be an adult when you move back home. Pay rent, pull your weight and get a life. Join a dating website, join a club so that you have people to see and a place to go on a regular basis. Take some classes after work, get a new degree or certification.
Again, people aren't circling your neighborhood going door-to-door asking, "Hey, is signondiego here? We're having a party and wanted to know if s/he could attend." That doesn't happen.
You are going to have to shake things up, do things that are uncomfortable for you and basically approach everything in your life in a completely different way. Otherwise, you're just going to be in the exact same place you were 3 months ago.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 9:46 AM on April 30, 2013 [4 favorites]
It almost seems like magical thinking. "I moved, I changed, so if I move back, I'll be in a better place to tackle my depression and anxiety issues." Maybe yes, maybe no, but don't think that this situation will magically aid you in resolving these issues.
When you lived in this city previously, you were waiting for something to happen. Interestingly enough, you also believe that you have to move back to make the changes that are necessary before you can "move on with your life." I hate to tell you this but your life moves on no matter what, and you'll never be fully prepared. It doesn't matter where you are or what you're doing.
What exactly do you expect to be doing to make the changes you want to make. Have you lined up a therapist? Are you joining a support group? Have you discussed medication with your doctor? Those are concrete steps you need to take. Don't wait, take them now.
Be an adult when you move back home. Pay rent, pull your weight and get a life. Join a dating website, join a club so that you have people to see and a place to go on a regular basis. Take some classes after work, get a new degree or certification.
Again, people aren't circling your neighborhood going door-to-door asking, "Hey, is signondiego here? We're having a party and wanted to know if s/he could attend." That doesn't happen.
You are going to have to shake things up, do things that are uncomfortable for you and basically approach everything in your life in a completely different way. Otherwise, you're just going to be in the exact same place you were 3 months ago.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 9:46 AM on April 30, 2013 [4 favorites]
Living in the suburbs without knowing how to drive and without friends sounds like it could get isolating very quickly. Learn to drive and make some new friends.
posted by inertia at 11:08 AM on April 30, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by inertia at 11:08 AM on April 30, 2013 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Most people will not expend more than 5 minutes of thought about it, and telling people that you missed your home town will suffice for most people. If you're moving back from LA, just tell people you hated the traffic.
posted by empath at 10:49 PM on April 29, 2013 [3 favorites]