My friend is in an abusive relationship. How to deal?
April 29, 2013 6:48 PM   Subscribe

I have a good friend who has been in an abusive relationship for over a decade. I've always been frank with her about the risks she faces and have provided a place to live/get away when she needs it. It hurts me deeply that I can't seem to help and I fear that I am just enabling the situation with stop-gap measures. Are there resources or books for bewildered friends and family?

She has been physically hurt significantly and permanently several times. She once stayed at our non-primary residence for six months, got a job and a new place to live and then, when my spouse and I were out of the country for a week, went back to her situation. I can't convince her to press charges. I can't seem to get her to try therapy. There are no children involved, thank goodness, and her actual family is no help so basically, I'm it. Every new crisis makes me anxious and sad for her. My spouse is totally supportive but the whole thing gives me the shakes. Can I do something about this helplessness, and more importantly, should I or is that just abdicating responsibility?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (11 answers total) 6 users marked this as a favorite
 
I might start by reading this comment by Nattie. It helped me start to understand why women, or rather people, stay in abusive relationships.

This thread also links to some resources and has some great comments.
posted by insectosaurus at 6:56 PM on April 29, 2013 [4 favorites]


I will say that the friends that helped me the most were the ones that recognized that being in an abusive relationship was a choice that I was making, and they didn't judge me for it.

That's really hard to do - I lost a lot of friends, because of how hard that is to do.

But no one in my life was reinforcing my agency except these few key players. They kept saying "it's ok if you stay; I understand. It's complicated" and that was so... comforting. Someone was telling me that I was able to make really big decisions for myself.

And I finally made the decision to leave, partly because my friends reinforced that I could make decisions, period.

So, what I would say to you is, it might be better for you to support her and say things like "you can make good choices. You're really smart. If you ever need a place to stay, you can come here, but I understand if you don't leave him. Love is complicated. I trust you to do what is right for you."

And you have to mean it. That's the hard part. She's making the choice to be in an abusive relationship, partly because - and I have heard this a lot from other women like me, who have been through similar things - because the pain of leaving is unknowable and so frightening that you are willing to stay. At least when you stay, you know the pain. At least that is how I felt.

You might want to go to therapy to talk to a professional about how to manage this unbelievably difficult interpersonal situation. Not because there is something wrong with you and you need help, but because you are feeling anxious and sad and like you don't know what to do. A therapist can help you wrestle with these feelings and figure out how to handle this horrible situation.
posted by sockermom at 7:32 PM on April 29, 2013 [18 favorites]


Sockermom said something really important and I want to second it: Treating her decision to stay with genuine respect may do more to help her leave than anything else you can do.

Abused people are generally doormats. They grew up being pushed around and they get with people who push them around. When you try to make your friend leave, you are reinforcing her lifelong experience that other people do not respect her right to choose, her fundamental agency. When you try to pressure her into leaving, you give her a choice between you deciding for her and him deciding for her. And you aren't providing sex (or whatever other thing she gets out of it).

Respect her right to choose. Validate her right to choose. Go to some kind of support group for codependents and try to deal with your feelings, your boundaries, etc. as a separate thing from what she is going through.

It's a really hard thing to do. But it gets at one of the root problems instead of inadvertently strengthening the root of evil in her life while desperately trying to chop at the branches.
posted by Michele in California at 7:52 PM on April 29, 2013 [14 favorites]


Here is a Ted Talk about why people in abusive relationships don't leave. (Watch Here)

It is from a domestic violence victim who wrote a memoir. It answers some of the questions you are asking: "Why won't she leave?"

It's very informative. Other than that, listen to others here. Get help yourself on how to cope. There is only so much you can do to help. Be there for her.
posted by Crystalinne at 8:34 PM on April 29, 2013 [4 favorites]




Having read Nattie's comment that insectosaurus linked to above, that. So much that. Also sockermom's comment.

Your friend isn't necessarily a doormat. But having her self-esteem and self-confidence consistently and persistently worn down over the years to the extent that she probably doesn't trust her own judgement anymore can make her seem like one. If you've never been through an abusive relationship, it's hard to understand how emotionally and intellectually exhausted you can get from trying to stay one step ahead of your abuser and to fail, over and over again. It seems obvious to those not in the relationship: leave. But it isn't obvious to her, and there's usually complications.

Be there for her. Listen to her. Try not to judge her, and respect that she can make decisions, even if you don't agree with them or wouldn't make the same ones. Tell her you respect her decisions.

Thinking about it now, I have so much respect for the friends who did that for me, and I will try to do the same for others.
posted by Athanassiel at 10:47 PM on April 29, 2013 [1 favorite]


I'm reading all these answers about respect and agency and Why Does She Stay, and I have to ask you - why do you stay? What has made you stick with this person, who does this crazy thing, for over 10 years? This is the question you must get the answer to. Why do you stay? When she makes decisions that turn your stomach and make you quake with fear and anger - why do you stick with her?

Once you answer that, you will be able to understand why she goes back again and again. It's the same thing. She gets abused, you watch her do it, she turns to you and then goes back. Same. Damn. Thing.

Sadly, I have a lot of experience with this mindset, and I have to say - it's a kicking machine. She gets kicked, and then she finds someone who cares about her to kick. As long as you put up with it - she will do it. Again and again and again. Follow your gut and get away.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 12:27 AM on April 30, 2013 [1 favorite]


I really, really disagree with the idea that your friend is abusing you in some way. She is not. You are both being abused by her partner. Ending the friendship if you can no longer handle the pain of witnessing this awful situation is understandable but it would not be a blow against your friend's abuse.

If you can bear to stay and to reinforce her agency and offer her a safe space when needed that would be a wonderful thing. You are a good friend for doing what you can. My heart goes out to you, your husband and your friend.
posted by Dorothia at 3:17 AM on April 30, 2013 [3 favorites]


Nattie's point is really, really great.

I think if you can't handle saying, "It's okay if you stay with him", you can try something I do with a friend of mine who has been in abusive relationships, "I will still love you if you stay with him. I will still love you if you miss him." It sounds obvious, like, of course you will! But I have always found it to be really, really well received. I am one of the few friends this friend has maintained consistently throughout the years I have known her, and I think this is one of the reasons.

Also, try to compliment her - not for trivialities, but for the things she actually does well. Is she a rocking cook? A good listener? Awesome on the ski slopes? Whatever it is that you can give honest praise for, do it. She needs to hear praise that isn't tied to her doing something for someone.
posted by corb at 5:21 AM on April 30, 2013 [2 favorites]


There was no intent to negatively characterize or insult people who get abused. I was sexually abused as a kid and, although my spouse never hit me, he was controlling in a manner very similar to the way physically abusive men are controlling. Since he never hit me, I didn't feel it would make sense to people for me to self identify in this particular thread as an abused person who took a lot of years to get the "doormat, please wipe your boots here" tattoo removed from my forehead but I was largely speaking from firsthand experience: The most freeing thing that ever happened to me was to have people validate my right to choose and decide for myself in the face of not understanding what I got out of it.

I have had occasion to pay it forward and seen how profoundly and rapidly it can change someone's self concept and social behavior. I know it is extremely non-obvious and even counterintuitive for most people. However, I had extremely good reasons for marrying the man I was with and it did no good to have my decision making ability slandered and to be treated like I was just damaged goods, making stupid decisions, and not competent to decide for myself.

If it helps the OP any: I was molested by two male relatives. My husband was the first boyfriend I brought home and publically introduced as my boyfriend, though he was not my first boyfriend. As a teen, he was a paranoid fruitcake with a negative self concept who openly carried a sheath knife and carried up to seven other concealed throwing knives and shurikin, which he did, in fact, know how to use. I figured he could survive my dangerous and unstable relatives. I did not bring home other boyfriends or admit to other relationships because I was very concerned it would result in very bad things happening to those individuals. I felt that if the man who raped me ever confronted my future ex, my rapist would wind up in the ER rather than my future ex.

It never came to that. The future ex joined the military and that got me away from my relatives. It looked pretty prosaic to outsiders who then could not understand why I accepted certain things in my marriage. I put up with a lot from my husband because, whatever his personal shortcomings, he was protection from worse things. It took me a lot of years of therapy and introspection to feel good about the choices I had made which got me out of a situation that was very not good for my welfare. Having people who did not know my backstory insult my intelligence and act like I was just being stupid and so on did not help me make my peace and move on.

We all do things for a reason. The fact that outsiders do not understand is not evidence of stupidity or even necessarily of being damaged goods, incapable of making healthy decisions. Some of us just never had a "good" option available. Bringing home "nice" young men would have endangered those young men while affording me zero protection and likely also endangered me as well -- because even after they stopped molesting me, the individuals who had molested me remained possessive and did not like other men getting involved with me. Bringing home and marrying a paranoid, armed and dangerous young man was my only hope of finding an escape route. (I am quite fond of the line in Riddick about "sometimes the antidote to evil is another evil", or something like that.)

I might have divorced him after getting out but I turned up unexpectedly pregnant and had an undiagnosed medical condition. Divorce would have meant going home with a baby to the people I was trying to get away from. I had turned down a scholarship in part because of the undiagnosed medical condition. I would have joined the military to get out but I was clear I was not healthy enough to make it through basic training. I tried other things to get out, all were dead ends. And I was married and had moved out before I had a driver's license. My family was not exactly trying to help me get to a point where I could leave. There are a LOT of ways for family to blockade a young person from going elsewhere without ever appearing to be controlling or abusive.

I left my marriage just as soon as I felt divorce was something I and my sons could survive. Had I left sooner, it would have been catastrophic, likely resulting in the death of one or more of us. I was married 22 years. Some problems just take time to resolve. That doesn't mean someone isn't working on it. I worked my butt off for many years to get into a position where leaving was feasible. Inability to adequately articulate what the hold up is does not prove there isn't one. Even if someone can articulate it, they may have very good reason to keep the details to themselves. I wanted an anticlimatic ending to my problems. It was my only hope of ever having a "normal" happy life.

My ex is currently a respectable citizen with a spiffy job title and nice home. He got over his negative self concept. I try really hard to not talk trash about him in public. He is a dutiful, honorable sort and always was. He, too, has a backstory as to why he was the way he was a teen.
posted by Michele in California at 10:07 AM on April 30, 2013 [9 favorites]


I can't convince her to press charges.

This may not matter in some jurisdictions, if the proper authorities see clear signs of abuse. Pleas call a domestic abuse hotline in your area & find out if he can be investigated without her cooperation.
posted by Devils Rancher at 11:03 AM on April 30, 2013 [1 favorite]


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