PhD thesis woes - what do I tell my supervisor?
April 28, 2013 10:37 AM   Subscribe

I am in the final year of my PhD. I suffered from many months of depression and an inability to get my writing done in a timely fashion. I am now playing catch-up. I have a telephone appointment with my supervisor next week, and wonder if and how I should disclose the difficulty I faced, and am still facing. I don't want to burden her with my personal issues. How do I, or should I, discuss this? How do I regain her faith in me?

I am currently in the 4th year of my PhD in the humanities (at a British institution), and am about a chapter and a half away from completing a first draft of my dissertation (I still have to write the intro and conclusion, as well). I plan to submit in November. I moved back to my native country two years ago, as I was hemorrhaging money in the U.K., and moving home was a means to save money as I write the dissertation. My supervisor was supportive. My issue is that I suffered from (undiagnosed because I cannot afford therapy) depression for about 8 months after an awful breakup and general dissatisfaction with my chosen topic and career path. I could not work. I don't know how to explain what I felt or thought, other than I felt like it was impossible, that I had no clue what I was doing, and that I was a complete failure. I would try, to no avail. Months and months went by, and the anxiety grew and grew, and I could not face up to my project. I could barely even open the files on my desktop. I felt nauseous and anxious and so very overwhelmed. In many ways, I still do.

After the holidays, my supervisor got in touch with me as she was worried about my progress. She mentioned how important it was to stay on track and not get behind. Something snapped inside of me, and after much crying and the crushing realization of the situation I have put myself in, I made a promise to myself to right this wrong.

I now feel as if I've woken up from a long, sad nap. I have been getting up early every morning, and making it a point to write 500-1000 words a day. I am looking out for conferences, fellowships, post-docs. I feel re-engaged. But the guilt of my prior laziness haunts me. I feel so overwhelmed, I feel as if I wasted so much time, that I am lazy and incapable of completing this project. I am currently in a lot of debt from undergrad-Phd, and I think about this constantly. It keeps my up at night. I sometimes feel as if I have ruined my life, with debt and potentially no job prospects. I have yet to publish, and this worries me so much. I cannot fall asleep at night without a distraction, my anxiety levels sky-rocket at night.

I have a telephone appointment with my supervisor next week to discuss the work I have recently submitted to her. Though we've been in frequent touch via email, this will be the first time I have spoken to her in months. I don't want her to think I am difficult to work with, or incapable of finishing this project, or a burden. I worry, or strongly suspect, that she already feels this way. How do I convey the trouble I went through to her? Do I even bring it up? I know apologizing is not the correct tactic, after all I am (for the most part) only hurting myself, and my career. I'm not quite sure if I should even bring up the trouble I went through in the summer and fall. Won't it just sound like making excuses? And if I don't bring it up, will she not wonder what my problem is? I worry she has already lost faith in me, and rightly so.

*I am looking into counseling to deal with my anxiety and possible lingering depression. I know my supervisor cannot help me with these issues. I'm just unsure how much I should disclose about how this has affected my work. I know I should have brought this up, dealt with it sooner. I wish I had, and that is part of the issue, part of the guilt and anxiety I now feel.*

Two more points to mention 1) She has been very kind about my writing (and slow progress) and writes things such as "I'm sorry you're having trouble with your writing," "Please let me know if you are stuck and need help." Furthermore, on the work I have sent her, she has exclaimed "This is fascinating!" "Very well written," "Reads like a book," etc. etc., in addition to constructive criticism and additional questions. However, I feel as if these exclamations aren't true; that she is just anxious for me to finish this thing up already and so is simply trying to push me along so she doesn't have to work with me anymore.

2) I have been working part-time with a non-profit as a consultant for the entire duration of my studies. This has of course delayed my writing. Because this was not academic work, my supervisor hasn't said much, or did not appear supportive when I mentioned working for them for a few months one summer in order to make ends meet. And so, I have not brought it up since, even though it often does explain why I have not progressed as far as I would have liked at this point. I know that it is not as if I have nothing to show for, in regard to my time spent as a phd student. I have won a number of national fellowships, as well as two fellowships at research institutions in foreign countries. My supervisor is always very supportive in writing letters for me. I know my c.v. is not abominable.

TL;DR-- Should I tell my supervisor about the depression and anxiety I've been dealing with that has dramatically halted progress on my thesis? The writing is flowing now, but I don't know how to explain the slow progress. How do I (or should I) talk to her about how I messed things up? And if so, *what do I say?*

So very thankful for any input.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (10 answers total) 7 users marked this as a favorite
 
I think all you need to say to your advisor, if anything, is, "hey, sorry, I did go through a period of feeling stuck but now I feel like the writing is flowing and I'm making much more progress. Thanks so much for your support and comments, and I'll have a draft of [chapter] to you by [date]."

To be honest... this actually sounds pretty normal to me. A lot of people go through long difficult slogs during the last years of their dissertation, especially in the humanities where you have so much less structure, though I've definitely seen this happen in the sciences also. It is even harder to keep on top of things when you add a large amount of distance to the equation, not to mention a part time job.

The part that sounds worrying to me is that even in the presence of clear signals that you're actually doing fine (your advisor's comments, your accolades, your c.v.) you can't seem to believe them. As liketitanic said, this sounds like depression and anxiety talking and I'm glad you're looking into counseling. And as an aside, if it's affecting your sleep, it's not surprising that it's also affecting your work!

But really, you didn't screw up as badly as you seem to think. Forums like PhinisheD wouldn't exist if having major difficulty finishing a dissertation wasn't so common. To the extent that you can, I think creating a little extra structure is going to help you, but really, the main things are to get your depression treated and to keep writing and you will be fine.
posted by en forme de poire at 11:08 AM on April 28, 2013 [3 favorites]


I was in your shoes a little over a decade ago, and it brings back... not so much memories as the absence of memories, blurred months of staring at the same few paragraphs.

Your supervisor is not going to be ignorant of how depression can assert itself in the long, often solitary slog of a doctoral thesis. It's okay to skirt around the details and be euphemistic. "I was unwell in ways that made it hard for me to make progress, but I feel like I'm back on top of things thanks to your support" should be sufficient to satisfy your own need to declare "that stuck person is not me", and you won't need to talk about it again.

Try to stop yourself from second-guessing her comments or motivation as best you can, embrace her support, arrange some kind of rough schedule to send work in smaller chunks for her to look over so that you don't get caught up again in the vicious circle where guilt eats into motivation which produces more guilt.
posted by holgate at 11:14 AM on April 28, 2013 [1 favorite]


I think you should be prepared to mention it if your supervisor asks. But now that you are submitting work and are receiving good feedback it may be that your supervisor will be more "forward directed" in the conversation than you imagine. In which case, I would just keep it about the work.

I am living through an extremely similar situation right now. All though things are still not going entirely swimmingly, I find I have been much more productive recently when I put less energy in thinking about my supervisor's opinion of me as being hardworking (which I do naturally). It sounds like you're doing great now, keep going!
posted by mister_kaupungister at 11:22 AM on April 28, 2013 [2 favorites]


You are very clearly still depressed. Get thee to a psychiatrist and therapist - your job will be much easier when you can actually believe people when they tell you that you aren't ruining everything.
posted by zug at 11:26 AM on April 28, 2013 [1 favorite]


From a commenter who wishes to remain anonymous:
As someone who has suffered from depression while writing a PhD and who now supervises my own PhD students.

Firstly, your writing was not hampered by laziness, you were ill, just as if some other illness has impacted your ability to write.

Most UK institutions will have mechanisms to support students who are ill and this will include those suffering from depression. You will likely be entitled to mitigation if you can show a doctor's note or similar but you don't necessarily need to go this far, explaining the situation to your supervisor will likely lead to enough sympathy. This is really all the justification you need for the slow delivery of work. The second part of this though is that the institution is almost certain to be able to provide a counsellor for you to talk to as necessary, which may be a good reason to make the application for mitigation worthwhile. Your supervisor should be able to direct you to this service easily and at now cost to you. While it would be unusual to be counselled over the phone/skype it may be doable.

In my experience, supervisors do not write lots of very upbeat stuff unless it is justified; unless they are very inexperienced they will be all too aware that this has the potential to bite them in the bum if the student doesn't deliver. You should consider the real possibility that your stuff is good and that you are being hard on yourself by thinking its not (maybe because you are depressed...).
posted by LobsterMitten at 11:37 AM on April 28, 2013 [7 favorites]


I can't even begin to tell you how much I identify with your situation - both with the triggering factors for your illness and with your academic situation. You have made it through the most difficult part - forcing yourself to start doing work again - and that is a reason to celebrate and feel proud of yourself.

Echoing other commenters: You were not being lazy. Depression is a serious illness, and I know all too well how it can make days and months that really, really . . . no REALLY need to be productive slide by in a fog of paralytic tears. Please try to cut yourself some slack and to be kind to yourself in general.

I see no reason you need to disclose your troubles to your supervisor unless she asks what has been hampering your productivity (which seems unlikely to me). You are presently making good progress, and your supervisor is giving you good feedback.

However, I feel as if these exclamations aren't true; that she is just anxious for me to finish this thing up already and so is simply trying to push me along so she doesn't have to work with me anymore.

Why do you feel this way? I'd introspect and consider whether it is your own lingering disappointment in yourself (unjustified, BTW) that is causing you to feel these feelings.

Less than a year ago, I was facing an extremely similar situation. I was in the throes of a major depressive episode, the worst of my life, but was responsible for conducting certain research for a professor that provided the backbone for a course she was teaching in real time (I was selecting, editing, and compiling materials on different topics within a field for every week of classes throughout the semester). I managed to keep up, but during one particularly bad week slipped up and fell behind, and my professor had to use some older materials for that week of classes. In that situation I needed to explain my situation to her because I'd made a mistake; there doesn't seem to be a corollary to that in your scenario. But FWIW, I sat down with the prof and explained that I was having some serious health issues that had compromised my ability to work well, and apologized for failing to talk to her about them before the mistake was made. She was incredibly understanding. I never even had to say "major depression"; in a way, I think she knew.

TL;DR: I don't think you need to disclose to your supervisor, but if you feel you really need to do so, just be direct and honest, apologize, and assure her you're back on track now. Don't dwell on it or be super-negative; frame it as a challenge you've overcome.

And a postscript: Do you exercise? I ask because, when I went through this, the thing that single-handedly lifted me out of my sadness and got me back on track emotionally was Bikram yoga. There's a saying in class: The past is gone. There is only now.
posted by sevensnowflakes at 12:20 PM on April 28, 2013 [2 favorites]


So common - your supervisor will have dealt with this before. You have done the important work of getting moving again and your supervisor is now likely delighted that things are coming together. Having done the same things myself (with a bereavement and a long break in the middle), you have done the hard bits and it's a slog but perfectly possible from here on.

I don't think you need to discuss why it's been so difficult unless you want to. Personally, I would acknowledge that things have been going slowly by apologising for it and then saying things have been moving a little more smoothly recently and let that move into a discussion of your recent work. If she asks then you can go into as much detail as feels appropriate. But really, writing up is a tough time for everyone, and especially so when you've been isolated by getting out of your academic environment.
posted by kadia_a at 12:34 PM on April 28, 2013


I don't think you need to "explain", because your supervisor already knows. Trust me. I am an academic, and while I have only supervised one student myself so far (who yes, had almost the identical experience you have, including moving back to her home country), I hear my colleagues discussing their problems with their students too. I have not heard of a single student making it through the PhD without some period of depression and loss of motivation, whether officially diagnosed or not. So we all just assume that when a student goes off the radar and stops producing writing for months on end, that they are depressed. We also generally experienced it ourselves during our own PhDs (and/or afterwards).

The only reason you need to discuss the details with your supervisor is if your institution can provide some sort of practical support. Many universities can extend your PhD deadline, or your scholarship if you have one (through paid sick leave) when you are ill, including depression. Often this is hard to do retroactively, so it's good to find out about the possibilities now so that you know in case this creeps up on you again in the future.

Otherwise, as others have said, just saying, "I was stuck and now I'm not" is enough. Since you are producing writing again, your actions will be speaking louder than words anyway. (One thing depressed/stuck students often do when you try to talk to them about it is to claim that the problem has passed and that they are working again, but we tend not to believe that until we see the new written work coming through, since often it's just a way of trying to hide the seriousness of the issue, due to fear of getting kicked out or whatever. The worst situation is when the student promises themselves that they will catch up so that the supervisor never knows they were behind, and then that level of pressure is itself too overwhelming and they fall back into the depression/stuckness. Don't do this to yourself.)
posted by lollusc at 5:37 PM on April 28, 2013 [3 favorites]


Clarification: while I say there is no reason you HAVE to discuss the details with your supervisor, it certainly would not be inappropriate to do so if you would LIKE to. It might make you feel better to get it off your chest, and the supervisor might be able to help you brainstorm strategies for making sure the work doesn't become too overwhelming as you settle back into it. It's entirely up to you whether you disclose or not, and as I said above, I don't think you will be telling the supervisor anything they don't already strongly suspect, so there's no "danger" of them thinking worse of you or anything because of it.
posted by lollusc at 5:40 PM on April 28, 2013


Without the hard time you have been through, the anxiety of writing, finishing, depression, sadness, hopelessness and self-doubts during dissertation writing- are ALL normal.

No supervisor would let you write and defend if they don't think you are ready so don't doubt yourself so much. You cannot be always very objective about it during these times so try to be mindful of it and not beat yourself up about it.

With all the troubles you have been through, all the feelings are all the more understandable. I would suggest to just take things one day at a time, have a plan for finishing up writing and all the other things you need to do workwise and not worry about how the supervisor reacts and then react to their reactions!

I will suggest that you get some counseling, even if for the only purpose to talk to someone who is trained in listening. You don't have to be clinically depressed to see a counselor! Do something that keeps a routine going with the writing and you will be fine. You are doing just fine even when you feel otherwise. And if you want to chat more, by all means send me a mail.

All the best!
posted by xm at 6:28 PM on April 28, 2013


« Older Did Jesus travel to India?   |   The best submarine movies? Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.