Twenty First Century Courting
April 26, 2013 3:58 PM Subscribe
I took a 6 month break from dating to do some soul searching and reevaluate my skewed relationships with men. Along the way, I met some awesome dudes, each of whom I'd be interested in dating. I've developed solid friendships and strong feelings with each of them. Now my self-imposed love sabbatical is over and I'm not sure how to transition smoothly back into the dating world
I sort of feel like I'm a 19th century eligible bachelorette and all of these guys are vying for my attention. It seems like it would be flattering, but it's awfully stressful. I have to choose one person and I don't know how to narrow it down. And how to I manage my friendships with the ones I don't choose? Sometimes I think it would just be easier to not choose and maintaing my love sabbatical indefinitely (which is what I'm doing now).
I'm in my mid 20s and I don't have a lot of experience dating. I've only had one long term boyfriend in my life. I was awkward, shy, and weird looking for most of my adolescence and I've only recently (within the pasts 2-3 years) blossomed into a conventionally attractive individual. Now I get a lot of male attention and it's incredibly overwhelming. I've gone from being mostly ignored to getting legitimately asked out almost every week, it seems.
This is one of the reasons I decided to do a love sabbatical. When I started getting asked out a lot, I felt obligated to go out with the guy and see if something would blossom, even if I knew I wasn't really attracted to him. I felt guilty and judgemental for saying no, so I just went along with it until one of us got fed up. With the love sabbatical, I had the freedom to interact with men while unilaterally taking sex and relationships off the table, which was very refreshing. Now that my sabbatical is over, I no longer have that protective bubble. I don't know how to say no.
I mean, I can say no to random strangers who are like "Hey baby, let me take you out some time", but when it comes to men in my circle of friends, in my peer group, or who I meet due to common interests or hobbies, guys who I actually know or would like to get to know, I feel bad saying 'no, I just want to be friends. I just want to get to know you without feeling obligated to kiss you or have sex with you.' I'm a very gregarious person and a rather public figure in our community, so I get hit on a lot and it's demoralizing to say no all the time. On the other hand, it's exhausting and somewhat equally demoralizing to go on lots of dead-end first dates. I'm still the awkward, shy, introvert on the inside.
I feel like this question is all over the place. I don't mean to sound like I'm complainabragging like "Ohhh I'm so beautiful and so many dudes want to date me waaaaahh!" I hope this makes sense.
I sort of feel like I'm a 19th century eligible bachelorette and all of these guys are vying for my attention. It seems like it would be flattering, but it's awfully stressful. I have to choose one person and I don't know how to narrow it down. And how to I manage my friendships with the ones I don't choose? Sometimes I think it would just be easier to not choose and maintaing my love sabbatical indefinitely (which is what I'm doing now).
I'm in my mid 20s and I don't have a lot of experience dating. I've only had one long term boyfriend in my life. I was awkward, shy, and weird looking for most of my adolescence and I've only recently (within the pasts 2-3 years) blossomed into a conventionally attractive individual. Now I get a lot of male attention and it's incredibly overwhelming. I've gone from being mostly ignored to getting legitimately asked out almost every week, it seems.
This is one of the reasons I decided to do a love sabbatical. When I started getting asked out a lot, I felt obligated to go out with the guy and see if something would blossom, even if I knew I wasn't really attracted to him. I felt guilty and judgemental for saying no, so I just went along with it until one of us got fed up. With the love sabbatical, I had the freedom to interact with men while unilaterally taking sex and relationships off the table, which was very refreshing. Now that my sabbatical is over, I no longer have that protective bubble. I don't know how to say no.
I mean, I can say no to random strangers who are like "Hey baby, let me take you out some time", but when it comes to men in my circle of friends, in my peer group, or who I meet due to common interests or hobbies, guys who I actually know or would like to get to know, I feel bad saying 'no, I just want to be friends. I just want to get to know you without feeling obligated to kiss you or have sex with you.' I'm a very gregarious person and a rather public figure in our community, so I get hit on a lot and it's demoralizing to say no all the time. On the other hand, it's exhausting and somewhat equally demoralizing to go on lots of dead-end first dates. I'm still the awkward, shy, introvert on the inside.
I feel like this question is all over the place. I don't mean to sound like I'm complainabragging like "Ohhh I'm so beautiful and so many dudes want to date me waaaaahh!" I hope this makes sense.
I feel bad saying 'no
Stop feeling bad.* It's your time and attention, they're your feelings, you get to decide what to do with them on any given day. And don't worry about burning bridges. If there comes a time that you do want to go out with someone who you've turned down in the past, you can always ask him out.
(*or, feel bad but say no anyway)
posted by headnsouth at 4:37 PM on April 26, 2013 [3 favorites]
Stop feeling bad.* It's your time and attention, they're your feelings, you get to decide what to do with them on any given day. And don't worry about burning bridges. If there comes a time that you do want to go out with someone who you've turned down in the past, you can always ask him out.
(*or, feel bad but say no anyway)
posted by headnsouth at 4:37 PM on April 26, 2013 [3 favorites]
The process of forming a relationship with someone you really like is rife with a bunch of dead-end first dates, second-dates, casual dating, and other scenarios. "Smooth" is not a word I would use to describe it. Rather -- awful and amazing and awkward and awesome, in varying degrees at varying times. There are no shortcuts. You start by saying "yes" to the guys who are interesting in dating you and who you are interested in dating when they ask (and it's okay to say you'd like to be get to know them first, but then the onus is on you to follow up after you've determined that you'd like to take it a step further), by not trying to force a thing when there's no Thing, and by never feeling "obligated" to kiss or bang anybody you don't want to. You need to learn to be comfortable with using your inner voice to outwardly express "no." You are allowed to change your mind. There's no rush to choose and you may not choose just one, but a few, or none.
As far as managing friendships, that's only partly in your control. Being honest and forthright about your feelings and intentions go a long way but if a guy is really into you and you're really "meh" on him, there's no way to manage how he'll feel about it. So perhaps you may find it useful to put some limitations on how many actual friends versus potential friends you want to go on dates with.
It sounds hokey and simple because it really is, and I wish it wouldn't have taken me ALL of my twenties to figure this out.
posted by sm1tten at 4:43 PM on April 26, 2013 [2 favorites]
As far as managing friendships, that's only partly in your control. Being honest and forthright about your feelings and intentions go a long way but if a guy is really into you and you're really "meh" on him, there's no way to manage how he'll feel about it. So perhaps you may find it useful to put some limitations on how many actual friends versus potential friends you want to go on dates with.
It sounds hokey and simple because it really is, and I wish it wouldn't have taken me ALL of my twenties to figure this out.
posted by sm1tten at 4:43 PM on April 26, 2013 [2 favorites]
Someone else's interest in you does not entitle them to your time or attention. Go on dates with people you find interesting and attractive and get to know them at your own pace. Do your best to stop feeling guilty and judgmental - it's not appropriate. Learn to stick up for yourself and be your own best advocate. That means being comfortable saying no to things you don't want, including dates with people you're not interested in. Practice doing this until it feels natural.
Pity dating and going out on dates with the hope that something might eventually blossom is bad for you and bad for whomever you're dating. It gets especially gross when there's self-imposed or external pressure to kiss or be physical with someone that you're not interested in.
Redirect your focus on yourself. Do you find this person attractive? Do you want to get to know them better or pursue a romantic relationship? If those things are true - date them. If not, learn to say no clearly and without elaboration - for them, you are still on your love sabbatical. If someone asks you out and you politely say no thank you, that's the end of it. They're not entitled to know why you're not interested or badger you until you agree to a date. Those people are being disrespectful and predatory. They are not your friends.
posted by quince at 4:46 PM on April 26, 2013 [3 favorites]
Pity dating and going out on dates with the hope that something might eventually blossom is bad for you and bad for whomever you're dating. It gets especially gross when there's self-imposed or external pressure to kiss or be physical with someone that you're not interested in.
Redirect your focus on yourself. Do you find this person attractive? Do you want to get to know them better or pursue a romantic relationship? If those things are true - date them. If not, learn to say no clearly and without elaboration - for them, you are still on your love sabbatical. If someone asks you out and you politely say no thank you, that's the end of it. They're not entitled to know why you're not interested or badger you until you agree to a date. Those people are being disrespectful and predatory. They are not your friends.
posted by quince at 4:46 PM on April 26, 2013 [3 favorites]
If you can't picture yourself making out with someone without going, "Ugh," don't go out with them.
Women are socialized to be nice and go along with things, but you don't have to. Just say no.
I have to choose one person and I don't know how to narrow it down.
No you don't. You don't have to choose anyone.
Dating is not just about being wanted. It's about wanting. Do you want to be with someone? Do they want to be with you?
posted by ablazingsaddle at 5:10 PM on April 26, 2013 [1 favorite]
Women are socialized to be nice and go along with things, but you don't have to. Just say no.
I have to choose one person and I don't know how to narrow it down.
No you don't. You don't have to choose anyone.
Dating is not just about being wanted. It's about wanting. Do you want to be with someone? Do they want to be with you?
posted by ablazingsaddle at 5:10 PM on April 26, 2013 [1 favorite]
You say you went from being somewhat plain to being conventionally attractive. How much of your inability to say "no" is from memories of being the rejected one in these types of situations?
You don't owe them anything just because they like you. Make decisions for you.
posted by corb at 5:32 PM on April 26, 2013 [1 favorite]
You don't owe them anything just because they like you. Make decisions for you.
posted by corb at 5:32 PM on April 26, 2013 [1 favorite]
If a man did not ask you out, would you be thinking that you would like to be with them? If the answer is no, don't date them.
It's ok to go long periods of time without meeting someone you want to date, even if you are getting a lot of interest. It's ok to say no.
posted by Dynex at 6:51 PM on April 26, 2013 [2 favorites]
It's ok to go long periods of time without meeting someone you want to date, even if you are getting a lot of interest. It's ok to say no.
posted by Dynex at 6:51 PM on April 26, 2013 [2 favorites]
And this is said in the nicest possible way, but:
Don't get wrapped up in the drama. You're not a 19th century maiden. Part of being a woman is dealing with unwanted male attention. It's super normal.
It's okay to be flattered or excited by the attention, but, you know, keep it in perspective.
posted by ablazingsaddle at 9:26 PM on April 26, 2013 [1 favorite]
Don't get wrapped up in the drama. You're not a 19th century maiden. Part of being a woman is dealing with unwanted male attention. It's super normal.
It's okay to be flattered or excited by the attention, but, you know, keep it in perspective.
posted by ablazingsaddle at 9:26 PM on April 26, 2013 [1 favorite]
Do you get the sense that it would be a drama bomb if you went on a date with all 3? If not, there's nothing wrong with that before you're exclusive with anyone. If you sense drama, I would take that as a red flag that the guy already thinks you're "his" rather than someone on the market and capable of deciding on your own.
posted by nakedmolerats at 4:15 AM on April 27, 2013
posted by nakedmolerats at 4:15 AM on April 27, 2013
It's somewhat confusing to me, this concept of "love sabbatical." As if the only end game of dating is to find THE ONE and fall in love with LTR as the sole possible goal.
Under this assumption, if I read correctly, you were experiencing issues with relationships. You liked the social aspects of being with men and going on dates, but felt pressure to continue beyond your comfort level after a certain point. So you took "love" (and all its ramifications, as you define them) off the table, and continued to date and interact socially with men. This relieved you of that self-imposed obligation to ramp up beyond "just dating" with the guys who were interested in you.
Since it appears that the only way you could comfortably stay social was to uncouple "love" from "dating," I sense there may be a disconnect. Who says you can't date, make out, get close to, even have sex with as many people as you like on your own terms? No one is ordering you to get on a moving train that boards at Date Central and runs non-stop to Weddingville.
There seems to be a sense of obligation on your part that you must play a role in a predefined scenario in which the dating process is required to result in a conventional "love" relationship. I disagree, and for me that is the flaw in your perceived dilemma. I am not discounting your concerns, I am just not able to understand where you are coming from because I don't share this perception of how dating is "supposed" to work. You don't owe the guys anything. You don't owe society anything. Let yourself be OK with enjoying being a social butterfly!
I think that dating and love can definitely be mutually exclusive and how you choose participate in either is 100% up to you.
posted by I_Love_Bananas at 7:02 AM on April 27, 2013
Under this assumption, if I read correctly, you were experiencing issues with relationships. You liked the social aspects of being with men and going on dates, but felt pressure to continue beyond your comfort level after a certain point. So you took "love" (and all its ramifications, as you define them) off the table, and continued to date and interact socially with men. This relieved you of that self-imposed obligation to ramp up beyond "just dating" with the guys who were interested in you.
Since it appears that the only way you could comfortably stay social was to uncouple "love" from "dating," I sense there may be a disconnect. Who says you can't date, make out, get close to, even have sex with as many people as you like on your own terms? No one is ordering you to get on a moving train that boards at Date Central and runs non-stop to Weddingville.
There seems to be a sense of obligation on your part that you must play a role in a predefined scenario in which the dating process is required to result in a conventional "love" relationship. I disagree, and for me that is the flaw in your perceived dilemma. I am not discounting your concerns, I am just not able to understand where you are coming from because I don't share this perception of how dating is "supposed" to work. You don't owe the guys anything. You don't owe society anything. Let yourself be OK with enjoying being a social butterfly!
I think that dating and love can definitely be mutually exclusive and how you choose participate in either is 100% up to you.
posted by I_Love_Bananas at 7:02 AM on April 27, 2013
Late twenties here, but otherwise your story is my story. One major difference: I'm politely but firmly saying "no" to the nice young men in my social circle who've asked me out. I'm not interested in them, I won't be, let's not waste any time.
Actual phrasing is a little nicer, but the idea is there.
You can put the bubble back up. Six months is an arbitrary timeframe. You can extend it.
posted by RainyJay at 6:48 AM on April 29, 2013
Actual phrasing is a little nicer, but the idea is there.
You can put the bubble back up. Six months is an arbitrary timeframe. You can extend it.
posted by RainyJay at 6:48 AM on April 29, 2013
This thread is closed to new comments.
Also, as long as you are up front about it, I don't think you have to be exclusive unless and until you find someone you really want to date long term.
posted by bananafish at 4:22 PM on April 26, 2013 [2 favorites]