Do I say something?
April 17, 2013 8:10 AM Subscribe
Well, uh, I've been having these little light-hearted exchanges with someone at my local neighborhood market, and I'm not quite sure how to proceed...
So, I've just moved to SF, and I don't really know anyone here just yet. I'm taking classes, doing workshops, going to meetups, and I've signed up for a rec sports league, so I'm getting there. Nevertheless, I've been wondering, though, about other ways I could possibly make friends, and, well, over the past couple of weeks, I've been going to my local neighborhood market for groceries. While it's not exactly Bi-Rite or Rainbow Grocery, but close, and definitely just as nice. Anyway, every so often, I've run into a woman who works there and we usually end up having a nice little chat. Last week, though, as I walked in, she ran up behind me, pinched my shoulder, and went "Hiiiiiiii!!". She scampered off, giggling, before I got the chance to say anything more than a "Hey there!" -- I was so surprised.
I've been wondering about it since. Now, maybe I'm a little clueless, but I'm used to making friends during the course of more structured situations, like, in class or at work or as a part of a club or whatever. That said, I don't know what to do here, but I want to be as open to new opportunities as I possibly can be, no matter the context. It's something that I've been working on, and I've gotten so much better at breaking out of my shell and being able to handle new opportunities and to get to know amazing people I otherwise might've never known, but this is kinda like a curveball. Let's assume I want to get to know her better: should I say something the next time we run into each other? If so, what do I say, given the constraints here? Or am I just beanplating this and next time should I just, I don't know, say something along the lines of, "hey, I'm new here -- what's your number?" Gosh, that just sounds so forward.
If it matters' we're both mid-20s, and just so there's no ambiguity, I'm a (slightly clueless) guy.
So, I've just moved to SF, and I don't really know anyone here just yet. I'm taking classes, doing workshops, going to meetups, and I've signed up for a rec sports league, so I'm getting there. Nevertheless, I've been wondering, though, about other ways I could possibly make friends, and, well, over the past couple of weeks, I've been going to my local neighborhood market for groceries. While it's not exactly Bi-Rite or Rainbow Grocery, but close, and definitely just as nice. Anyway, every so often, I've run into a woman who works there and we usually end up having a nice little chat. Last week, though, as I walked in, she ran up behind me, pinched my shoulder, and went "Hiiiiiiii!!". She scampered off, giggling, before I got the chance to say anything more than a "Hey there!" -- I was so surprised.
I've been wondering about it since. Now, maybe I'm a little clueless, but I'm used to making friends during the course of more structured situations, like, in class or at work or as a part of a club or whatever. That said, I don't know what to do here, but I want to be as open to new opportunities as I possibly can be, no matter the context. It's something that I've been working on, and I've gotten so much better at breaking out of my shell and being able to handle new opportunities and to get to know amazing people I otherwise might've never known, but this is kinda like a curveball. Let's assume I want to get to know her better: should I say something the next time we run into each other? If so, what do I say, given the constraints here? Or am I just beanplating this and next time should I just, I don't know, say something along the lines of, "hey, I'm new here -- what's your number?" Gosh, that just sounds so forward.
If it matters' we're both mid-20s, and just so there's no ambiguity, I'm a (slightly clueless) guy.
Ordinarily I'm opposed to people asking other people out at the place where they work (i.e., don't hit on the barista) because part of their job is to be friendly and they shouldn't have to deal with getting hit on all the time just for doing their job.
But, and I say this as someone who has worked in such service jobs, that woman is flirting with you. The pinch on the shoulder is not just customer-service friendliness. You should ask her if she'd like to get coffee sometime.
posted by gauche at 8:19 AM on April 17, 2013 [13 favorites]
But, and I say this as someone who has worked in such service jobs, that woman is flirting with you. The pinch on the shoulder is not just customer-service friendliness. You should ask her if she'd like to get coffee sometime.
posted by gauche at 8:19 AM on April 17, 2013 [13 favorites]
Don't worry about the cluelessness, you get that for free with the chromosomes.
She initiated contact, that's a good clue, though. She touched you, also a good sign. She giggled and ran away so she may be a little shy but is definitely flirting.
Next step is to tell her your name, and follow that up with with the advice above.
posted by trinity8-director at 8:20 AM on April 17, 2013
She initiated contact, that's a good clue, though. She touched you, also a good sign. She giggled and ran away so she may be a little shy but is definitely flirting.
Next step is to tell her your name, and follow that up with with the advice above.
posted by trinity8-director at 8:20 AM on April 17, 2013
she ran up behind me, pinched my shoulder, and went "Hiiiiiiii!!". She scampered off, giggling,
I would only mistake this as flirting if you were in elementary school.
posted by Kruger5 at 8:26 AM on April 17, 2013 [1 favorite]
I would only mistake this as flirting if you were in elementary school.
posted by Kruger5 at 8:26 AM on April 17, 2013 [1 favorite]
A woman in a customer service role ran up and touched you when you came in?
I don't think asking her out for coffee is too forward.
posted by xingcat at 8:30 AM on April 17, 2013 [3 favorites]
I don't think asking her out for coffee is too forward.
posted by xingcat at 8:30 AM on April 17, 2013 [3 favorites]
She's flirting, so I think it's safe to ask her out. Just make sure you don't hear anyone singing "for British eyes only."
posted by DeltaForce at 8:33 AM on April 17, 2013 [13 favorites]
posted by DeltaForce at 8:33 AM on April 17, 2013 [13 favorites]
she ran up behind me, pinched my shoulder, and went "Hiiiiiiii!!". She scampered off, giggling,
Although very high school behavior, this woman IS flirting with you. Invite her to coffee - no harm, no foul.
posted by MeatheadBrokeMyChair at 8:49 AM on April 17, 2013 [1 favorite]
Although very high school behavior, this woman IS flirting with you. Invite her to coffee - no harm, no foul.
posted by MeatheadBrokeMyChair at 8:49 AM on April 17, 2013 [1 favorite]
That may be flirting or friendliness. Either way, the offer of a coffee is not crossing a line.
It's always worth finding out what where else you would do your shopping in the event things went south and you felt uncomfortable shopping at this place though!
posted by MuffinMan at 8:53 AM on April 17, 2013 [3 favorites]
It's always worth finding out what where else you would do your shopping in the event things went south and you felt uncomfortable shopping at this place though!
posted by MuffinMan at 8:53 AM on April 17, 2013 [3 favorites]
Could be her way of expressing friendliness. I am greeted with hugs and what not by the male and female staff of a local restaurant I attend regularly. Some people are very lively and that may come across as flirting. It may be that she was also wrapped up in a "moment" of silliness when she pinched you (I've been guilty of this, and have been later mortified when someone took it to be flirting). Maybe wait to recognize a pattern of this behavior before saying anything.
Of course, it never hurts to ask someone out for coffee if YOU are interested, even if she wasn't flirting.
posted by Young Kullervo at 9:14 AM on April 17, 2013 [2 favorites]
Of course, it never hurts to ask someone out for coffee if YOU are interested, even if she wasn't flirting.
posted by Young Kullervo at 9:14 AM on April 17, 2013 [2 favorites]
Whether she has romantic interest in you or not, she clearly likes you as a person.
I'd invite her to a specific thing at a specific time/place ("Hey, I'm going to a fire-twirling thing in the park this Thursday -- would you be interested in coming along?") so that if she feels uncomfortable doing it, she has a plausible excuse ("Gosh, I have a dentist's appointment that afternoon"). It's really awkward to say "no" to "want to grab coffee some time?"
posted by feets at 9:34 AM on April 17, 2013 [6 favorites]
I'd invite her to a specific thing at a specific time/place ("Hey, I'm going to a fire-twirling thing in the park this Thursday -- would you be interested in coming along?") so that if she feels uncomfortable doing it, she has a plausible excuse ("Gosh, I have a dentist's appointment that afternoon"). It's really awkward to say "no" to "want to grab coffee some time?"
posted by feets at 9:34 AM on April 17, 2013 [6 favorites]
Personally I'd first observe her a little more (well not in a stalking way of course) and see if she has similar interactions with other customers. She might just be a big flirt with everyone...um, I mean very gregarious.
posted by Dansaman at 11:03 AM on April 17, 2013
posted by Dansaman at 11:03 AM on April 17, 2013
Goodness dude, you have the ultimate cliched basis: you're new in town.
"Hey good to see you again, how you been? You seem cool, maybe you'll know - I'm new in town and have been going to meetups and classes, but Iwish I could find a restaurant with good
Whatever! Pick something somewhat innocuous that two people might two together. It's an opening to anything from her offering "I could take you" to simply talking about this stuff so you say "I know you're working, maybe we could talk some time when you're not in a rush?"
posted by phearlez at 11:52 AM on April 17, 2013 [9 favorites]
"Hey good to see you again, how you been? You seem cool, maybe you'll know - I'm new in town and have been going to meetups and classes, but I
- still haven't found a place that
- makes a latte the way I like it
- has the best beer specials
- serves good craft cocktails
- has abstract art
- shows classic movies
- mexican
- cuban
- argentian yak hair pudding
posted by phearlez at 11:52 AM on April 17, 2013 [9 favorites]
Physical contact is the difference between friendly service and flirting.
posted by mani at 2:27 PM on April 17, 2013
posted by mani at 2:27 PM on April 17, 2013
I actually agree that it might be worth seeing how she interacts with other customers and, not to be mean, make sure she didn't think you were someone else from behind when she pinched you. And I only feel that way because I agree with another poster that people are supposed to be friendly as part of their jobs and just because a woman smiled at you doesn't mean you should hit on her.
But all of that said, going out of her way to say hi and her initiating physical contact seems promising. If it continues or you continue getting a vibe that she likes you, you could be up front: You just moved here and it'd be nice to have a friendly face give you the scoop on what's good to do in the neighborhood, if she's free. Whatever you do, I'd treat it as a friend date until you're sure -- what might seem flirty may just be friendly, but the kind of friendly toward someone you really like rather than the kind of friendly toward a stranger.
posted by AppleTurnover at 4:08 PM on April 17, 2013
But all of that said, going out of her way to say hi and her initiating physical contact seems promising. If it continues or you continue getting a vibe that she likes you, you could be up front: You just moved here and it'd be nice to have a friendly face give you the scoop on what's good to do in the neighborhood, if she's free. Whatever you do, I'd treat it as a friend date until you're sure -- what might seem flirty may just be friendly, but the kind of friendly toward someone you really like rather than the kind of friendly toward a stranger.
posted by AppleTurnover at 4:08 PM on April 17, 2013
I am almost certain that she was flirting with you, but that doesn't neccessarily mean she wants to date you. Just say "hey, I don't know too many people in the city, would you like to get a coffee sometime?". Done. Then decide if you are interested in dating her, and if you are, ask her out on a date.
posted by windykites at 4:34 PM on April 17, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by windykites at 4:34 PM on April 17, 2013 [2 favorites]
I am almost certain that she was flirting with you, but that doesn't neccessarily mean she wants to date you.
I agree with this. I also didn't get the absolute impression that you want to date her, since the question referencing making friends several times. With that in mind, I like the idea of suggesting "coffee sometime" followed up by more chatting/getting to know her, and then a suggestion of "coffee at x time." It'll give you more time to kind of feel out the situation and gives a bit of structure to the interactions. Just a thought.
posted by sm1tten at 5:37 PM on April 17, 2013
I agree with this. I also didn't get the absolute impression that you want to date her, since the question referencing making friends several times. With that in mind, I like the idea of suggesting "coffee sometime" followed up by more chatting/getting to know her, and then a suggestion of "coffee at x time." It'll give you more time to kind of feel out the situation and gives a bit of structure to the interactions. Just a thought.
posted by sm1tten at 5:37 PM on April 17, 2013
San Francisco's funny like that. As you'll find out, it actually is a small-ish city. The population of the city itself is about 800k – about that of Austin. The density is super-high as the city itself is the area of central Boston. Consequently, people are very familiar with each other.
We have a joke amongst former San Francisco people that inevitably you will end up dating your ex-girlfriend's friends, completely accidentally. Or being San Francisco, your new girlfriend may have dated your ex-girlfriend, as has happened.
That is relevant, as she probably expects to see you regularly. You are a slight part of her life now (because the city is so small, everyone is part of everyone else's life)
Then, it sounds like she is playing with you. She made physical contact, so either she is a very physical person, or she was knocking over a barrier. When she ran away, she put the ball in your court. She's broken down the barrier, now you guys can go for coffee or a beer or to a house party or whatever. It doesn't have to be romantic, although it could be.
How to proceed? Choose a bar close by and ask her what time she gets off today or tomorrow. You'll probably make the rest of her day.
posted by nickrussell at 6:11 AM on April 18, 2013
We have a joke amongst former San Francisco people that inevitably you will end up dating your ex-girlfriend's friends, completely accidentally. Or being San Francisco, your new girlfriend may have dated your ex-girlfriend, as has happened.
That is relevant, as she probably expects to see you regularly. You are a slight part of her life now (because the city is so small, everyone is part of everyone else's life)
Then, it sounds like she is playing with you. She made physical contact, so either she is a very physical person, or she was knocking over a barrier. When she ran away, she put the ball in your court. She's broken down the barrier, now you guys can go for coffee or a beer or to a house party or whatever. It doesn't have to be romantic, although it could be.
How to proceed? Choose a bar close by and ask her what time she gets off today or tomorrow. You'll probably make the rest of her day.
posted by nickrussell at 6:11 AM on April 18, 2013
> Don't worry about the cluelessness, you get that for free with the chromosomes.
trinity8-director is right. All people with chromosomes experience this.
posted by IAmBroom at 6:36 PM on April 20, 2013 [2 favorites]
trinity8-director is right. All people with chromosomes experience this.
posted by IAmBroom at 6:36 PM on April 20, 2013 [2 favorites]
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