Question for Military men, and spouses/girlfriends
April 17, 2013 5:19 AM Subscribe
I am dating a special ops military man and am new to this military lifestyle... My father was in the Army so I do know the difficulties and strength it requires to be involving in this lifestyle but there are some things that I want to understand more. Instead of bombarding him with questions and adding to his stress, I thought I could find some answers and support on here from those men that have been in this situation, and the women who have supported these men.
Basically, we have been dating long distance for 6 months...he has been in intense training in the states for the past few months and will finish in a couple months. After that, there is no certainty of what will happen. He keeps saying "if I'm deployed", and we have briefly discussed this but I have learned he is the type of person to not want to talk about the what ifs and just wait to see what happens and deal with it then. The problem with me is that I like to talk about things, but at the same time I don't want to stress him with the thought of deployment and what I should expect. Is it normal for a military man who is uncertain of what the future holds as far as his career to kind of keep quiet and not discuss these things- should I just keep my wondering mind to myself until a call is made. I also noticed that as he nears graduation, he becomes sort of distant and doesn't talk about the future much. In the beginning of our relationship he would always drop comments like "our future" or when I'm done with training you will have my full attention, or would talk about his excitement about us. I'm sure this is normal in the beginning of a relationship, but I begin to wonder is it because we are becoming more serious and now that the uncertainty of where he will be is drawing close, if he doesn't want to talk about the future as to not get my hopes up to let them down- or out of fear I won't be able to handle a deployment and will end up leaving during, like many women have in his past.
He continues to tell me how much he adores me, how amazing I am, how crazy he is about me...but I feel that as time draws near to graduation the talks of us diminish a little. When you military men have the uncertainty of deployment I'm sure it plays on your mind, especially when you have someone you are crazy about. He tells me all the time it drives him crazy that he cant get to me or give me more time. I just want him to know that I will be there for him, I can handle deployment and to not worry about me. But I also want to understand what goes through the minds of the men that are going through this, and what will go through their minds during deployment- what makes things easier/harder. etc. Any advice would help, thanks for taking the time to read this!
Basically, we have been dating long distance for 6 months...he has been in intense training in the states for the past few months and will finish in a couple months. After that, there is no certainty of what will happen. He keeps saying "if I'm deployed", and we have briefly discussed this but I have learned he is the type of person to not want to talk about the what ifs and just wait to see what happens and deal with it then. The problem with me is that I like to talk about things, but at the same time I don't want to stress him with the thought of deployment and what I should expect. Is it normal for a military man who is uncertain of what the future holds as far as his career to kind of keep quiet and not discuss these things- should I just keep my wondering mind to myself until a call is made. I also noticed that as he nears graduation, he becomes sort of distant and doesn't talk about the future much. In the beginning of our relationship he would always drop comments like "our future" or when I'm done with training you will have my full attention, or would talk about his excitement about us. I'm sure this is normal in the beginning of a relationship, but I begin to wonder is it because we are becoming more serious and now that the uncertainty of where he will be is drawing close, if he doesn't want to talk about the future as to not get my hopes up to let them down- or out of fear I won't be able to handle a deployment and will end up leaving during, like many women have in his past.
He continues to tell me how much he adores me, how amazing I am, how crazy he is about me...but I feel that as time draws near to graduation the talks of us diminish a little. When you military men have the uncertainty of deployment I'm sure it plays on your mind, especially when you have someone you are crazy about. He tells me all the time it drives him crazy that he cant get to me or give me more time. I just want him to know that I will be there for him, I can handle deployment and to not worry about me. But I also want to understand what goes through the minds of the men that are going through this, and what will go through their minds during deployment- what makes things easier/harder. etc. Any advice would help, thanks for taking the time to read this!
This is what support groups and message boards for military spouses/SOs are for. It gives you a chance to talk with people who understand what you're going through without burdening your SO. He's the one being deployed, possibly in very dangerous situations; he deserves to deal with that without having to carry you, too. Taking care of yourself will be a great gift to him.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 5:38 AM on April 17, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 5:38 AM on April 17, 2013 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Thanks ThePinkSuperhero, as I mentioned I'm new to this so don't really know where to turn so I'm still searching around for message boards, I just came here hoping there were some out there. If anyone can recommend any messag boards/support groups that would be helpfull too.
posted by love2much at 5:43 AM on April 17, 2013
posted by love2much at 5:43 AM on April 17, 2013
Sorry, but there is no 'military man' mentality. That's just popular romanticizing in the movies and TV.
We military types come in all shapes, sizes, and mentalities - we're really just a microcosm of society. I know guys that will go months without talking to their wives or partners while deployed, and on the flip side the occasional one that will call home on the satellite phone every night if he can.
If and when he deploys, there's always the spouses club for you to get involved with - that's pretty much the best support group you can come across in this particular situation, as the other members really HAVE seen it all and can help you through the deployment - if you need it. Otherwise it's just a nice social group to be a part of that understands the unique lifestyle a deployment brings upon the whole family.
But as for your SO's unwillingness to talk about what could happen in the future? That's got nothing to do with him being military. For what it's worth, in my family we have a policy of not borrowing trouble. We deal with deployments when they happen, and when we know for sure what's going to happen, because nothing is ever set in stone till the ship leaves port - just ask the folks on the USS Truman.
posted by matty at 5:48 AM on April 17, 2013 [13 favorites]
We military types come in all shapes, sizes, and mentalities - we're really just a microcosm of society. I know guys that will go months without talking to their wives or partners while deployed, and on the flip side the occasional one that will call home on the satellite phone every night if he can.
If and when he deploys, there's always the spouses club for you to get involved with - that's pretty much the best support group you can come across in this particular situation, as the other members really HAVE seen it all and can help you through the deployment - if you need it. Otherwise it's just a nice social group to be a part of that understands the unique lifestyle a deployment brings upon the whole family.
But as for your SO's unwillingness to talk about what could happen in the future? That's got nothing to do with him being military. For what it's worth, in my family we have a policy of not borrowing trouble. We deal with deployments when they happen, and when we know for sure what's going to happen, because nothing is ever set in stone till the ship leaves port - just ask the folks on the USS Truman.
posted by matty at 5:48 AM on April 17, 2013 [13 favorites]
Ask him to put you in touch with his unit's Family Readiness Group. That's the "spouse's club" for his particular unit, but it's not... strike that, it shouldn't be just for actually-married-partners. FRGs are set up for just this sort of thing. There are lots of resources they'll be able to recommend, both in his immediate area and online (or possibly even in your area, depending on how close you might be to a military base).
posted by Etrigan at 5:49 AM on April 17, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by Etrigan at 5:49 AM on April 17, 2013 [1 favorite]
Oh and stay away from the online military spouse message boards... In my experience they're havens for discontent.
posted by matty at 5:50 AM on April 17, 2013 [8 favorites]
posted by matty at 5:50 AM on April 17, 2013 [8 favorites]
*I am assuming you are both Americans*
If he is a SEAL then I would suggest reading Chris Kyle's book American Sniper. There are passages written about his wife Taya and what she went through and felt, both while he was on his deployments and when he was home. He also talks about his training a little bit, so that would give you an idea of what that is like (if you even want to know). If he is SpecOps for a different branch, well, I would still read it because it might not be all that different.
I wouldn't necessarily chalk up his behavior to incompatibility like mentioned above. Military men (and women) behave differently when preparing for deployment and while deployed (like what matty said). I was one who did not call home much at all. I had friends who called home at every opportunity. I did not love my SO any less than my friends loved theirs.
posted by Sarcasm at 6:09 AM on April 17, 2013 [1 favorite]
If he is a SEAL then I would suggest reading Chris Kyle's book American Sniper. There are passages written about his wife Taya and what she went through and felt, both while he was on his deployments and when he was home. He also talks about his training a little bit, so that would give you an idea of what that is like (if you even want to know). If he is SpecOps for a different branch, well, I would still read it because it might not be all that different.
I wouldn't necessarily chalk up his behavior to incompatibility like mentioned above. Military men (and women) behave differently when preparing for deployment and while deployed (like what matty said). I was one who did not call home much at all. I had friends who called home at every opportunity. I did not love my SO any less than my friends loved theirs.
posted by Sarcasm at 6:09 AM on April 17, 2013 [1 favorite]
First of all Special Ops training is incredibly intense and it's possible that your fella is incredibly focused on that and that can account for his distance.
As for not wanting to talk about what he's doing or where he might be going...he can't, not anything. Discussing potental dates or locations...especially in Special Ops...that's never going to be a thing. You will just need to take it on faith that he'll call you as much as possible while he's deployed and it'll be when he can do it. Other than that, he can't talk about it with you.
You need to cool your jets with this guy. Don't make him the center of your universe. It won't be helpful to him, and it's not doing you any favors.
A military spouse needs to be incredibly self-sufficient; that goes for being able to hold the household together, emotionally and in his/her own life.
The best thing you can do for the both of you is to go to work, keep up with your schooling, hang out with your friends, and live your life exactly as you would, if he was in the apartment next door to you, or half-way around the world.
Lot's of LTRs don't make it. Military LTRs are under a lot of stressors that can doom them to failure.
Take each day as it comes, if this isn't for you, then that's okay. Keep your life as much intact as you can while you are long distance. If and when you marry, then you'll have other concerns. But you're not there yet.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 6:12 AM on April 17, 2013 [10 favorites]
As for not wanting to talk about what he's doing or where he might be going...he can't, not anything. Discussing potental dates or locations...especially in Special Ops...that's never going to be a thing. You will just need to take it on faith that he'll call you as much as possible while he's deployed and it'll be when he can do it. Other than that, he can't talk about it with you.
You need to cool your jets with this guy. Don't make him the center of your universe. It won't be helpful to him, and it's not doing you any favors.
A military spouse needs to be incredibly self-sufficient; that goes for being able to hold the household together, emotionally and in his/her own life.
The best thing you can do for the both of you is to go to work, keep up with your schooling, hang out with your friends, and live your life exactly as you would, if he was in the apartment next door to you, or half-way around the world.
Lot's of LTRs don't make it. Military LTRs are under a lot of stressors that can doom them to failure.
Take each day as it comes, if this isn't for you, then that's okay. Keep your life as much intact as you can while you are long distance. If and when you marry, then you'll have other concerns. But you're not there yet.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 6:12 AM on April 17, 2013 [10 favorites]
Response by poster: Thanks for the great advice, and yes I'm not sure I can chalk it up to imcompatibility I think there is a lot more involved. His training is extremely intense right now so I have definately kept that in mind and know it is a huge stressor on him right now. I def. keep my independence and life without making him the center of my universe, I just guess since these emotions and feelings are all new and unknown to me it is different. Especially in a long distance relationship, stepping back continuing my life and taking things one day at a time are not my norm so it's a learning experience. I am not complaining at all and totally understand his pressure, I just like to hear from the people who have actually experienced it how they have coped delt, what expected from their SOs because I have no clue and again do not want to over burden him with questions that he doesn't even know (or can tell me) yet. Thanks everyone!
posted by love2much at 6:53 AM on April 17, 2013
posted by love2much at 6:53 AM on April 17, 2013
In World War II, there was propaganda that used the phrase "Loose lips sink ships." It was specifically aimed at trying to get family and friends to shut up about their military loved ones. He is in Special Ops. He can't tell you some things. And he can't tell you that he can't tell you. For reasons of national security, he cannot ever say to you "I am being deployed on some top secret thing and I cannot tell you where I am going or when."
I was a military wife for two decades. I did not ask. I was careful to avoid talking about my husband's comings and goings or if he was cranky etc, especially in online forums. For people in the know, stating that a military member is getting training at x base in y month can tell them what kind of training it is. I just kept my mouth shut and I did not ask questions that might touch too much on sensitive information.
But my dad was also career military, so none of that weirded me out. It's just part of the job.
posted by Michele in California at 6:58 AM on April 17, 2013 [3 favorites]
I was a military wife for two decades. I did not ask. I was careful to avoid talking about my husband's comings and goings or if he was cranky etc, especially in online forums. For people in the know, stating that a military member is getting training at x base in y month can tell them what kind of training it is. I just kept my mouth shut and I did not ask questions that might touch too much on sensitive information.
But my dad was also career military, so none of that weirded me out. It's just part of the job.
posted by Michele in California at 6:58 AM on April 17, 2013 [3 favorites]
I think others here can given you better relationship advice than I, so I'll just focus on the military significant other webforum part of your question.
There are TONS of forums like what you describe in your question. Just Google "military spouse forum" or "military SO" or the like and you'll find all sorts of stuff. Here's just a few (note I am assuming you are in the USA):
SubReddit for US military SOs (There's also r/longdistance while you're there)
MilitarySOS.com
Military.com/spouse (See also their forum devoted to friends/family of military servicemembers
There are many more.
One thing you'll notice is that almost every site like this has some sort of policy regarding protecting OPSEC. I can only assume that this will be extra relevant to someone in the special forces community. This is something that doesn't get seen much outside of military culture, and is worth informing yourself about.
posted by Wretch729 at 7:02 AM on April 17, 2013 [1 favorite]
There are TONS of forums like what you describe in your question. Just Google "military spouse forum" or "military SO" or the like and you'll find all sorts of stuff. Here's just a few (note I am assuming you are in the USA):
SubReddit for US military SOs (There's also r/longdistance while you're there)
MilitarySOS.com
Military.com/spouse (See also their forum devoted to friends/family of military servicemembers
There are many more.
One thing you'll notice is that almost every site like this has some sort of policy regarding protecting OPSEC. I can only assume that this will be extra relevant to someone in the special forces community. This is something that doesn't get seen much outside of military culture, and is worth informing yourself about.
posted by Wretch729 at 7:02 AM on April 17, 2013 [1 favorite]
To echo Michele in California: there's a very good chance he is forbidden to talk about any possible deployment, on the entirely reasonable grounds of unit safety and security.....
Remember when Sarah Palin's oldest son was deployed? The soldiers and their families were specifically told not to say anything until afterwards: but Ms. Palin, by calling in the press and making it a big spectacle --- "Look, my son is deploying! How brave I am!" --- endangered the lives of everyone in that unit, just to use it for her personal political gain. There are very, very valid reasons for tight lips.
posted by easily confused at 7:20 AM on April 17, 2013
Remember when Sarah Palin's oldest son was deployed? The soldiers and their families were specifically told not to say anything until afterwards: but Ms. Palin, by calling in the press and making it a big spectacle --- "Look, my son is deploying! How brave I am!" --- endangered the lives of everyone in that unit, just to use it for her personal political gain. There are very, very valid reasons for tight lips.
posted by easily confused at 7:20 AM on April 17, 2013
Maybe I'm reading the question wrong, but it sounds like the military man is not so much unwilling to talk about deployments, but about the future of the relationship at all.
In other words, I don't think the OP's loose lips will sink any ships, but I think her boyfriend is pulling away emotionally and that's probably a separate issue.
posted by ablazingsaddle at 7:33 AM on April 17, 2013 [2 favorites]
In other words, I don't think the OP's loose lips will sink any ships, but I think her boyfriend is pulling away emotionally and that's probably a separate issue.
posted by ablazingsaddle at 7:33 AM on April 17, 2013 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: I was more looking for a person in militarys advice on what goes through your minds (as I am considering his stressors/feelings thats why I am on this forum, not barking in his ear a million questions). I understand OPSEC as I work for the government with a TS so I know things cant be spoken of... I wasn't speaking of him telling me where/the details of his deployment but just talking about how we or he will handle a deployment with someone who has never experienced one. I don't think it is trivial to be asking questions to help me figure out my future. I don't distract during his training and prep being 4 hrs away hes on his own time, and I on mine. I just was asking if it is a natural response under these pressures for someone in his situation to back off a bit or seem to shy away from talks of the future. Hopefully that clarifies my stance a bit more.
posted by love2much at 7:55 AM on April 17, 2013
posted by love2much at 7:55 AM on April 17, 2013
Mod note: A couple comments removed; if you can't avoid being actively dismissive of the asker then stay out of Ask Metafilter.
posted by cortex (staff) at 7:58 AM on April 17, 2013
posted by cortex (staff) at 7:58 AM on April 17, 2013
I just was asking if it is a natural response under these pressures for someone in his situation to back off a bit or seem to shy away from talks of the future.
Absolutely, yes.
His training and prep does not ever mention you, his planning never includes you, his commanding officers never mention you. This is done purposefully, to separate the emotional distractions life, relationships, taxes, etc. from his future.
When he talks to you, he has to regrain his thought process with you in mind, and it doesn't come easy. He feels much more free from a mission point of view without the 6 month relationship than with one.
posted by Kruger5 at 8:06 AM on April 17, 2013 [2 favorites]
Absolutely, yes.
His training and prep does not ever mention you, his planning never includes you, his commanding officers never mention you. This is done purposefully, to separate the emotional distractions life, relationships, taxes, etc. from his future.
When he talks to you, he has to regrain his thought process with you in mind, and it doesn't come easy. He feels much more free from a mission point of view without the 6 month relationship than with one.
posted by Kruger5 at 8:06 AM on April 17, 2013 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Thanks Kruger that makes perfect sense. Hard for civilians to understand this mindset, but helpful to hear things like that.
posted by love2much at 8:16 AM on April 17, 2013
posted by love2much at 8:16 AM on April 17, 2013
I just was asking if it is a natural response under these pressures for someone in his situation to back off a bit or seem to shy away from talks of the future.
Yes, it can be a natural response. That doesn't make it the right response if he wants to be in a relationship with you.
This really isn't as much of a mystery as you seem to be think that it is. He has a really demanding job that requires a lot of his attention and effort. Under those circumstances, some people are still able to maintain relationships outside of work, and some aren't. But it isn't just on you to be the accommodating and thoughtful person--if he wants to make things work he's also got to put out a lot of effort. Under normal circumstances, he could be a perfectly awesome match for you and would totally put in the time and effort to make things work, but it may be that he is unwilling or unable to do that now, and for perfectly legitimate reasons.
Based on observation of several bad military relationships, I think that the blame often gets placed on the spouse/ girlfriend/ boyfriend for relationships ending during deployments. There's a lot of pressure to bow to the military mindset (whatever that means) and give the servicemember a free pass to solely prioritize work above everything else. I'm not saying that you should give up and break up with him, but in the long term making things work between the two of you will require both of you to work a lot to put down the foundations of a relationship that can handle all of the pressure you're going to be under. So I don't think you're going to help the cause in the long term by letting him off the hook, and you do need to communicate what you want from him.
posted by _cave at 8:29 AM on April 17, 2013 [3 favorites]
Yes, it can be a natural response. That doesn't make it the right response if he wants to be in a relationship with you.
This really isn't as much of a mystery as you seem to be think that it is. He has a really demanding job that requires a lot of his attention and effort. Under those circumstances, some people are still able to maintain relationships outside of work, and some aren't. But it isn't just on you to be the accommodating and thoughtful person--if he wants to make things work he's also got to put out a lot of effort. Under normal circumstances, he could be a perfectly awesome match for you and would totally put in the time and effort to make things work, but it may be that he is unwilling or unable to do that now, and for perfectly legitimate reasons.
Based on observation of several bad military relationships, I think that the blame often gets placed on the spouse/ girlfriend/ boyfriend for relationships ending during deployments. There's a lot of pressure to bow to the military mindset (whatever that means) and give the servicemember a free pass to solely prioritize work above everything else. I'm not saying that you should give up and break up with him, but in the long term making things work between the two of you will require both of you to work a lot to put down the foundations of a relationship that can handle all of the pressure you're going to be under. So I don't think you're going to help the cause in the long term by letting him off the hook, and you do need to communicate what you want from him.
posted by _cave at 8:29 AM on April 17, 2013 [3 favorites]
You should really check out SpouseBuzz, they have a whole section on what to expect before a deployment. And yes, this is normal. Not ideal but normal.
posted by spunweb at 9:39 AM on April 17, 2013
posted by spunweb at 9:39 AM on April 17, 2013
I'm in a very similar situation. My husband joined the military later in life, so we've operated both in and outside of the military scenario. Deployment, orders, whatever, can be extraordinarily frustrating if you are like me a planner and want to work out a course of action. The truth is that there is almost nothing to talk about because who fucking knows what is about to happen. Really. Friends and family seem to think I'm being coy when I say, 'I don't know." all the time, but its the truth and you learn to adapt. Its a lifestyle change for sure.
Another tip, from one talker to another: my job is very boring, his job is very top secret, so we can't discuss specifics. When we talk about work I am a coal miner and he is a field plower. Its silly, but it works for us.
posted by stormygrey at 10:44 AM on April 17, 2013 [5 favorites]
Another tip, from one talker to another: my job is very boring, his job is very top secret, so we can't discuss specifics. When we talk about work I am a coal miner and he is a field plower. Its silly, but it works for us.
posted by stormygrey at 10:44 AM on April 17, 2013 [5 favorites]
Military relationships... ugh. I was in for 20 years, and part of that was submarines before email. Like, long periods of forced no-contact. The other thing about military life in most communities is, there isn't really "down" time, except for maybe a couple of weeks' leave when you get back from deployment. For instance, on a submarine, the obvious thing is the mission. We go out, we come back. Take a few days or more of taking it easy. Then, the non-obvious part. There's another mission scheduled a few months away, and between now and then we have to do all the training, fix everything that broke on the boat last time, cram in large routine maintenance projects.. it can make for very long days and high stress, especially as you get more senior and have responsibilities.
So the relationship issues are mostly ones of expectation. He's not being realistic to expect that "after training, I'll have time for..." anything. You can either have your relationship simultaneously, hard parts and easy parts, or not, but it doesn't work to defer it to later.
The other thing is, the relationship can feel very different to the two people very easily. For me, it felt like a continuous thing - we're together, teary goodbye, I'm stuck at work for months, reunion, still together. For her, it felt more like an on-again, off-again thing, since her environment didn't change, I just disappeared out of life.
Some military members do kind of disengage emotionally leading up to the deployment as a protective measure. Some pine horribly the whole time. Some aren't really in love, they just kind of take for granted that they're going to conveniently have a girlfriend at home, but not have to worry about any of that hard stuff during the deployments. It's easy to grow apart when the two of you are having such different life experiences. It's easy for you to feel like someone's part-time mistress. Like everyone has said, there's not really a standard "military boyfriend."
I'm still married, so it's not impossible. I'd do it again. It's hard, though.
posted by ctmf at 1:21 PM on April 17, 2013 [2 favorites]
So the relationship issues are mostly ones of expectation. He's not being realistic to expect that "after training, I'll have time for..." anything. You can either have your relationship simultaneously, hard parts and easy parts, or not, but it doesn't work to defer it to later.
The other thing is, the relationship can feel very different to the two people very easily. For me, it felt like a continuous thing - we're together, teary goodbye, I'm stuck at work for months, reunion, still together. For her, it felt more like an on-again, off-again thing, since her environment didn't change, I just disappeared out of life.
Some military members do kind of disengage emotionally leading up to the deployment as a protective measure. Some pine horribly the whole time. Some aren't really in love, they just kind of take for granted that they're going to conveniently have a girlfriend at home, but not have to worry about any of that hard stuff during the deployments. It's easy to grow apart when the two of you are having such different life experiences. It's easy for you to feel like someone's part-time mistress. Like everyone has said, there's not really a standard "military boyfriend."
I'm still married, so it's not impossible. I'd do it again. It's hard, though.
posted by ctmf at 1:21 PM on April 17, 2013 [2 favorites]
I can handle deployment and to not worry about me. ... Any advice would help
Not to be too negative, but you don't know this yet.
Your trust level needs to be stone-solid. Not all military guys cheat. They're the same as anyone else in that regard, some do.
But they all have the opportunity to, with no way for you to check up on them, for long periods of time away from you. If you won't be able to handle that, maybe skip the whole thing.
posted by ctmf at 1:34 PM on April 17, 2013
Not to be too negative, but you don't know this yet.
Your trust level needs to be stone-solid. Not all military guys cheat. They're the same as anyone else in that regard, some do.
But they all have the opportunity to, with no way for you to check up on them, for long periods of time away from you. If you won't be able to handle that, maybe skip the whole thing.
posted by ctmf at 1:34 PM on April 17, 2013
Whoops, and by "handle that" I don't mean that he's going to cheat and you should be ok with that. I mean "handle" not ever really knowing and needing to trust.
posted by ctmf at 1:46 PM on April 17, 2013
posted by ctmf at 1:46 PM on April 17, 2013
Some of the answers here seem a bit strange to me. You are young, and at this point, you are together. Let's take it from here.
Your boyfriend is in a job he cannot talk much about. This is an indisputable fact. So your relationship needs to be based on that fact. You need to trust one another, and you need to have other common interests. Sex and your everyday life are not going to last as focal subjects for more than 1-2 years in all, though naturally sex will be forever interesting. Is this possible or reasonable?
If you are talkative and analytical, its fine, you just need to talk about something else than his job. Plants, local politics, reality shows, stamps, classical music, drama series, crazy neighbors. Whatever you like, hopefully more than one thing.
posted by mumimor at 2:06 PM on April 17, 2013
Your boyfriend is in a job he cannot talk much about. This is an indisputable fact. So your relationship needs to be based on that fact. You need to trust one another, and you need to have other common interests. Sex and your everyday life are not going to last as focal subjects for more than 1-2 years in all, though naturally sex will be forever interesting. Is this possible or reasonable?
If you are talkative and analytical, its fine, you just need to talk about something else than his job. Plants, local politics, reality shows, stamps, classical music, drama series, crazy neighbors. Whatever you like, hopefully more than one thing.
posted by mumimor at 2:06 PM on April 17, 2013
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It's not a problem that you "like to talk about things." You like what you like, and anyway you're in a LDR, you don't have shared experiences to work with or build on, all you have is talk. So him not talking isn't a military thing, it's possibly an incompatibility thing. LDR for 6 months sounds like not a huge investment of time/emotion; it's ok to move on if you're not looking for the same things or communicating in the same way.
What do you want? Not what do you want to do so as not to burden your stressed friend, but what do you want? Your emotions/stress/preferences/goals are as important as your friend's.
posted by headnsouth at 5:32 AM on April 17, 2013 [5 favorites]