How do I motivate myself for school in the aftermath of breakup?
April 14, 2013 9:59 AM   Subscribe

I just broke up with someone and I'm feeling like a mess. Unfortunately I have to write five papers in the next month and a half that I have hardly done any research for. And give a giant presentation. I am freaking out.

I was dating someone for the past two months or so and he just broke up with me a few days ago. This may not be a super-long relationship in the context of other peoples' experiences, but it had been a long time since I had anything this long (I was counting it out and it came out to six and a half years . . . part of that time I was living abroad in a very remote area, the rest of the time I just never really met anyone that lasted past a date or two or I wasn't really making an effort to meet anyone) and though I was not a virgin, this relationship was way more physical than anything I've ever experienced. I don't know how much I was really into this guy outside of the physical thing, but we did have some things in common and I had some hope that it might develop as I got to know him better. So, I'm feeling like an emotional wreck.

The thing is, I have a ton of school work that I guess I let creep up on me, though I didn't think I was that behind. I think dating this guy was taking up a lot of my mental energy. Now, I am so stressed out about this that the past couple of days all I can think of (besides breakups and relationships, and the thing I had with this guy) is somehow fleeing the situation . . . I feel very un-motivated and apathetic about my work. I keep making up elaborate fantasies about quitting school. I have made a couple attempts to try to work on one or more of these research papers, but I come to some block in the research (can't find sources) or can't concentrate on what I am reading and then am off browsing the internet or walking around crying over the breakup.

Oh, yes I am a mess and I actually have an appointment with a therapist for a bit later in the week, but if you have any ideas for ways to stop freaking out about the school work thing and start feeling motivated despite everything (stories of overcoming intense workloads in times of stress?) I would appreciate hearing them. Thanks Mefis . . .
posted by thesnowyslaps to Human Relations (19 answers total) 5 users marked this as a favorite
 
Set a timer and do say 30 minutes of work then give yourself a break. I'm sure you can concentrate for half an hour and that should in itself be motivating. I find that having a small and achievable goal often helps me when I'm feeling scattered, the smaller and more concrete the better.

For example "do research" isn't a good goal but do a search of X database for 20 minutes or find 2 applicable papers might be. Pick the easiest paper to start on so you get achieve something.

You're going to be ok breakups are hard but hopefully once you get the papers underway, always the hardest part, you can channel some of the negative energy into getting things done.
posted by SpaceWarp13 at 10:21 AM on April 14, 2013


Argh. Maybe not all of humanity has been there, but I say with confidence that a big part of the Metafilter demographic, myself very much included, has been there.

(1) Decide which papers you're going to take a B or C on and which you still want an A on.

(2) Remove extraneous stuff from your life. Not everyone would agree, but if you need to finish the semester, I say cut down your life to library, meals, and walking for fresh air (or whatever other leisure activity you enjoy). Clean apartment? Nah. Attend talk? Nah. Meet friends for a meal since you have to eat anyway? Sure, that is fine.

(3) Install LeechBlock or some other internet blocker. Otherwise you will make no headway.

(4) Do as much work as possible in public...if you're searching Jstor or whatever at a library computer, it'll be a lot harder or more embarrassing to stalk the guy on Facebook or watch porn, not that I would know, of course.

(5) No alcohol or weed or whatever else you may be tempted to do at breakup time! You can moderately drown your sorrows after papers are done!!!

(6) I don't want to make misplaced assumptions (from question history) about a semester abroad...but IF you have outside means of support, IF your parents or family friends can send you an extra $100 to get another cup of coffee or have a meal that perks you up, then now is the time to take them up on this. If no one can help out in that regard, then find the absolute cheapest treat for your budget (coffee is reappearing) and indulge in that to the extent you can.

(7) As alluded to in (1), if you have an exercise habit, do that, or if not, just walk around, it being spring and all (my absolute most difficult time of year, personally).

(8) Ignore the "take an extension" voices among your friends. You DON'T want to be doing this stuff in July. Better a C than an extension.
posted by skbw at 10:33 AM on April 14, 2013 [1 favorite]


Triage the school work. Prioritize anything for any professor that isn't flexible. Approach anyone who is flexible and ask for an extension.

I usually sort things out into two piles:

1. Quick Hits-These are things that will be easily and quickly done. I like to do these first because I can do them, and then check them off the list. Done and done!

2. Longer Projects-Whatever is remaining, sort them from easiest to hardest to do, again, under the principle that as you complete things, they move off of your list and make you feel as though you are accomplishing things.

As for the quality of this work, decide that you made a bad decision in getting distracted for a boy. Accept that this is just one of those things, and that you'll live through it. Now, don't let perfect be the enemy of "good enough". Getting these completed and out to the professors is the most important thing, getting an A isn't.

If you can knock one thing out per week, (or however it best suits you to sort out the time) then you can get back on track.

When you speak to your professors, please just tell them that you've been dealing with "a family crisis" and that you've been distracted. Explain that you want to get back on track while preserving the best grade possible. They'll work with you, especially if your work has been good up until this point.

I took an archeology class in college. I went to every session, I studied, I wrote good papers. I sat down for the exam and I could not answer ONE question. I freaked and flew out of there.

The professor called me at home and asked me to come into his office. He offered to let me write a research paper, recommended a book to use and gave me an I for the class. I completed the paper and my grade changed to an A. I would have taken an F, because I was so embarrassed, but he was a real mench and to this day, I'll give a thumbs up to Dr. Pohl at San Francisco State, because of it.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 10:35 AM on April 14, 2013 [3 favorites]


The way I got through Graduate School was adopting the motto "failure is not an option." Missing deadlines was not an option, skipping class was not an option, freaking out because I had four things due was not an option -- everything had to be pushed ahead according to schedule. The schedule included some down time, though, so I wouldn't lose my mind. I don't guarantee that this will work for you, but it might, and the intense focus on work will leave you little time for mulling over the relationship, so there is that.

You might go and talk to at least some of your professors and say "I am really in the weeds on this; how can I get back on track?" Don't approach it as "let me off the hook" but "personal things have thrown me off my game; help me meet your expectations." They may have some useful advice for you or give you suggestions on how to get your research and writing sorted out.

When working on large written projects, I find it useful to get some stuff down in a word processor -- get a rough title, three or four quotes that you know you want to use, format the footnotes and the works cited page, build an outline around the quotes, and you go from the infinite amount work represented by an empty document to a finite amount of work (maybe only 2-4 pages of a 20-30 page paper, but, still, finite).
posted by GenjiandProust at 10:39 AM on April 14, 2013 [4 favorites]


A somewhat weird suggestion but if you respond well to asmr maybe try putting some on while working... I was actually quite nervous about starting my work and this calmed my anxiety immediately (and reminded about this question I had seen half an hour ago :) ).

Also(more rational suggestion), when I feel anxious/nervous/pressured about a project, I focus, as others have said, on making lists of elements to accomplish, yes, but with specific times. So let's say, if you'd like to accomplish X through Z during the day, you could say ok, from 1:00 to 1:30 I'm working on X, then from 2:00 to 2:30 on Y, then 3:00 through 3:30 on Z. It doesn't matter if you actually finish the task you're working on. Just focus on working for the time period you've set up, and try to not make it too long. Re-evaluate where you're at every once in a while. And see if it works for you, I personally find it's good to get myself started or back on track something but it gets too tedious/pressuring for me after, I can't enjoy my work (which probably had to do with personality and the structure/spontaneity ratio you find most comfortable)

And, for me, what's the most helpful is deciding the night before on the first thing I'll be working on in the morning. That way I can just go through the actual action without thinking about it, I don't feel anxious about starting working or what I should start with, and it gives a good active start.

Hope that helps?

You'll be just fine :)
posted by kitsuloukos at 10:56 AM on April 14, 2013


The way I got through Graduate School was adopting the motto "failure is not an option."

You will seriously regret if you let this break-up derail you from your path in life. That was part of your life, and there's still a lot more to it.

How do you proceed? Just do it. Sit down. Write the world's worst paper. Turn it in. Just keep going.
posted by nickrussell at 10:59 AM on April 14, 2013


Hi there. I'm in my third year at a top university where the workload is insane. I've been in this situation three times - there's a reason people here tend to plan breakups for when we have winter, spring, and summer break. It's some of the worst weeks of school I've ever had.

People are telling you to just power on through, basically, but that is actually the opposite of what I've always found helpful. Do you have official people you can talk to about difficult times who will work with your professors for you? If not, can you talk to some professors about getting deadlines extended by, say, one week?

If you can get your deadlines extended, you can try what I do:

Cry in bed for a couple of days. Eat when you can. Walk when you can. Skip class if you need the sleep. Talk to your therapist. Take care of yourself. Let yourself be in denial for a couple of days. After that, force yourself to think of the breakup in terms of "it's over, and I am okay." Because you are okay. You are alive and you're going to stay that way, and things will only continue to get better.

Do what work you can, but don't beat yourself into the ground. Do you need a high GPA for graduate school, jobs, or med school? Drop a class if you must. OR Is your GPA not going to drop too much from a B or C? Then turn in crappy papers and it will be totally fine.

I may be coming from a different perspective or situation, so please feel free to disregard all this. Breakups during term are the worst. Just the worst. I'm so sorry you're going through this.
posted by lemoncakeisalie at 11:10 AM on April 14, 2013 [1 favorite]


I had pneumonia and someone died during my end of semester madness in third year, and it was one of the most difficult periods of university for my program in terms of workload. There are some great suggestions above, but I would also suggest trying to see if you can find a work buddy to keep you on track. I used my best friend in this capacity who I happen to work really well with. We developed a schedule of when we would work together on things, and used each other to keep us on track according to what we needed to get done. As an example, we had a rule where if you were procrastinating not on a break you got a poke and owed the other person a coffee. We also edited each other's projects and papers.
posted by snowysoul at 11:29 AM on April 14, 2013


Is it important to merely pass your classes and finish the degree program, or to attain/maintain a decent GPA/do high quality work? Either way, some grad programs don't allow more than a couple "C" level grades anyhow.

There is nothing wrong with getting an extension if your instructor will allow it, just make sure to ask whether the trade off is a necessary grade drop or not. If you are in grad school, and depending on your program, of course, most instructors will understand that you are an adult and life gets in the way and they'd rather see your best work a week or two late than crappy work on time. Also, try to set a concrete second deadline (with input from instructor) and stick to it.

If one or more of your instructors won't allow it, then you know which projects to focus on first.

Just make sure that the extra time is used productively-- that includes self-care like talking a walk/getting sunshine, going to doctor's appointments, and getting the papers done.

Best of luck to you.
posted by Schielisque at 11:46 AM on April 14, 2013


Been kinda where you are. I ended a really bad 2 year relationship about a month before the end of my freshman college year. I was fine, but then other factors related to it turned my life upside down, and right before finals!

Here's what helped me.

Go to the library! (Or coffeeshop, study room, etc.)

Sitting in my dorm room surely wasn't going to get anything done for me. There would be too many distractions and memories and and TV and... well you get the idea.

I agree with options above such as limiting your internet. You should also just pop in some headphones and make a nice big checklist. Start with smaller projects and things that are due sooner. Cross things off with a nice big, thick line when you're done. Hell even scribble over it, that gives some nice satisfaction to completing a task.

The best option as far as papers is to just start writing! Don't worry if it sucks, you can write a new draft but it's a starting point and can spark some ideas.

Hope you do better!
posted by Crystalinne at 12:12 PM on April 14, 2013


For intrusive thoughts that distract me --actually derail me-- I use Kava.

Remind yourself-- "I am the boss of my brain" and get back on focus
posted by ohshenandoah at 12:47 PM on April 14, 2013


Response by poster: Thanks for all the suggestions! Feeling a bit more motivated already.

Random question: any ideas for what to do for short breaks in between chunks of work? I feel like usually I end up browsing the internet, and that ends up running counter to the idea of a "short break."

I think I may have to block MetaFilter on my browser sometime soon . . .
posted by thesnowyslaps at 2:36 PM on April 14, 2013 [1 favorite]


any ideas for what to do for short breaks in between chunks of work? I feel like usually I end up browsing the internet, and that ends up running counter to the idea of a "short break."

You could get up and go for a short (15 min) walk. It's best to go outside, but even if you are stuck indoors, like in the library, get up and walk around the stacks for a while. That'll give you time to clear your head and get some exercise, which will help you have more energy when you resume working.

Also: Most schools have a writing centre that students can access for free. Many will offer help with study skills and time management as well as actual help with your papers. If your school has this service, make an appointment with them. Explain your situation (personal crisis, 5 papers and a presentation due in the next month) and get them to help you come up with a realistic plan. That's what they're there for.

If you can, make weekly appointments to get help and feedback on your papers. If you are allowed to make multiple appointments per week, do it. They can help you stay on track, because you'll be accountable to someone other than yourself.

Good luck! I'm glad you're feeling a little better now. You can do it!
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 3:35 PM on April 14, 2013


I would recommend... not watching TV shows, because that can get addictive, and coming up with some kind of story in your mind. Like, "Due to my breakup, I am coping with my sadness by studying for the next three weeks." It can be extremely motivating to be able to name your mission and purpose. In this case it is to kick butt! If you think about it, it's good timing, because by the time you're done studying you'll probably be over the heartbreak stage AND your schedule will be clearer.
posted by kettleoffish at 4:42 PM on April 14, 2013


Can't find sources?? Almost unpossible! Call, text, visit or email your reference desk at the library. I promise they will help you get the basics covered in a relatively short period of time. It is still on you to process and write on these sources, but truly, the research part does not have to be a road block.

--a college librarian
posted by Riverine at 5:52 PM on April 14, 2013


Don't give up, quit school, and become a bar regular. Follow the excellent study tips provided above. In five years, ten years looking back on this it won't seem impossible. Or give up and see what life deals you. If I hadn't given up and become a bar regular I probably wouldn't have met my wife who had similarly had given up after a difficult break up. Life goes on. Wife is in grad school now and I am working a great job. Our five year old daughter is pleased with existing. Good luck.
posted by Kale Slayer at 12:05 AM on April 15, 2013


Also, talk to your professors they are your advocates. They might not cut you any slack, but if they have been teaching for any length of time they will likely have some useful advice.
posted by Kale Slayer at 12:11 AM on April 15, 2013 [1 favorite]


Response by poster: Thanks again everyone! We will see how the workload goes (your advice seemed to help today, just remains to be seen how it all ends) but I think the breakup thing might turn out to be less traumatizing than I was imagining the past few days. Anyway, must get off metafilter. See you in June or thereabouts.
posted by thesnowyslaps at 1:23 PM on April 15, 2013 [2 favorites]


This is coming late - hope you are feeling better this week.

I'm in an almost identical situation at the moment (if you want a random commiseration buddy, hit me up, ha) and the most helpful thing I've found is using a blocking program to block off the internet (or just your worst distraction sites) at pre-determined times. If you set it a half hour (or more!) in advance it won't be nearly as painful to activate it.

i.e. at 2:30 I set stayfocusd (chrome) to nuke my bad sites for an hour starting at 3pm, then work for an hour or a bit more if I'm feeling into it, then reset the timer for 30min later to nuke the bad sites for another hour. and so on. Works as well as anything else does, for me.

then you can browse the internet relatively guilt-free for 20-30min, without getting carried away for hours.

also, it's kinda impossible to be dwelling and working at the same time. pick one or the other. If the dwelling gets really bad, it's ok to take a break for a couple hours and get it out of your system, and then try to switch gears mentally and throw all your mental energy into your work instead. I find it easiest to start working first thing in the morning before you've had a chance to think about the breakup much, then you can take a break in the evening after you've gotten some work done.
posted by randomnity at 8:43 AM on April 23, 2013


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