Gender confusion at 30-something
April 14, 2013 6:40 AM Subscribe
Becoming suddenly gender-confused at age 35, this is weird, please help.
I have very recently - like in the last few weeks - become somewhat gender confused. I'm a bisexual woman in my 30s, and I would have until the last few weeks identified myself as cis-gendered, albeit without a very strong sense of gender-identity.
I've always been fascinated by gender bending: when I was little, I liked Boy George because he was feminine, later I sought out books and films about girls passing as boys and wished I could do the same. But I also really liked being feminine, like wearing frilly dresses. I wanted to wear a frilly dress one day, and pass as a boy the next.
As I grew older, I tended to present as feminine. A typical outfit in the last few years might be a knee or ankle length skirt with a feminine blouse. I had long hair, and I was happy being girly most of the time, though (unlike strongly cis-gendered people) I wouldn't have minded if I had magically woken up male one day.
But very recently, like in the past few weeks, I've had some strange urges. First, I really felt the need to cut my hair. I even thought of cutting it very short, like a buzz cut, but that would have looked awful with my face-shape, so I settled for a chin-length bob. But also, I've been finding myself avoiding wearing my skirts or feminine blouses, in favour of trousers and men's style shirts. It's like, suddenly, I felt the need to dress in a butch style, and wanting to walk and sit in a more masculine way. I've been wearing the same two pairs of trousers for the past two weeks, and the same hoodie (really need to wash that one). I wore a bit of make-up when I went out the other day, but it was in conscious imitation of a male character in a book I read recently.
This is coming at a very stressful period in my life: my career is at a very bad place, my relationship is strained, and I am going through a major depressive episode (which itself is the cause of the former two problems, and on a lovely feedback loop with them). I have to wonder if I am almost creating a personality to disappear into - like I want to become someone else, whether that person is a man or a (more) butch woman. I wouldn't worry so much, but I keep fantasizing about going out and living this person's life, and it's distancing me from my own. I was out dancing at a club with my male SO, and I was having fun, but also feeling like I wanted to be somewhere without him, where I could be someone else. I even got to the point of googling lesbian dance bars and thinking about how I could sneak out to go dancing with other women without his knowing. I have also fantasized lately about being a man with another man.
To boil out some questions out of this:
- do people become gender-confused at such a late age?
- could this just be a temporary issue, brought on my stress and my fully-acknowledged desire to flee my life at times (like several times a day)?
- I've been reading a lot of LGBT literature lately, and maybe I'm just over-identifying with my slightly genderqueer side?
also - if this is part of me, what are healthy ways that I could express it?
I have very recently - like in the last few weeks - become somewhat gender confused. I'm a bisexual woman in my 30s, and I would have until the last few weeks identified myself as cis-gendered, albeit without a very strong sense of gender-identity.
I've always been fascinated by gender bending: when I was little, I liked Boy George because he was feminine, later I sought out books and films about girls passing as boys and wished I could do the same. But I also really liked being feminine, like wearing frilly dresses. I wanted to wear a frilly dress one day, and pass as a boy the next.
As I grew older, I tended to present as feminine. A typical outfit in the last few years might be a knee or ankle length skirt with a feminine blouse. I had long hair, and I was happy being girly most of the time, though (unlike strongly cis-gendered people) I wouldn't have minded if I had magically woken up male one day.
But very recently, like in the past few weeks, I've had some strange urges. First, I really felt the need to cut my hair. I even thought of cutting it very short, like a buzz cut, but that would have looked awful with my face-shape, so I settled for a chin-length bob. But also, I've been finding myself avoiding wearing my skirts or feminine blouses, in favour of trousers and men's style shirts. It's like, suddenly, I felt the need to dress in a butch style, and wanting to walk and sit in a more masculine way. I've been wearing the same two pairs of trousers for the past two weeks, and the same hoodie (really need to wash that one). I wore a bit of make-up when I went out the other day, but it was in conscious imitation of a male character in a book I read recently.
This is coming at a very stressful period in my life: my career is at a very bad place, my relationship is strained, and I am going through a major depressive episode (which itself is the cause of the former two problems, and on a lovely feedback loop with them). I have to wonder if I am almost creating a personality to disappear into - like I want to become someone else, whether that person is a man or a (more) butch woman. I wouldn't worry so much, but I keep fantasizing about going out and living this person's life, and it's distancing me from my own. I was out dancing at a club with my male SO, and I was having fun, but also feeling like I wanted to be somewhere without him, where I could be someone else. I even got to the point of googling lesbian dance bars and thinking about how I could sneak out to go dancing with other women without his knowing. I have also fantasized lately about being a man with another man.
To boil out some questions out of this:
- do people become gender-confused at such a late age?
- could this just be a temporary issue, brought on my stress and my fully-acknowledged desire to flee my life at times (like several times a day)?
- I've been reading a lot of LGBT literature lately, and maybe I'm just over-identifying with my slightly genderqueer side?
also - if this is part of me, what are healthy ways that I could express it?
I'm not any kind of expert, but this isn't reading to me as gender confusion so much as it is simply pushing against some relatively fluid gender lines in dress and mannerisms. I think your statement "I wanted to be somewhere without him, where I could be someone else" is pretty key here, and it sounds to me like what you really want to do is escape your relationship, not necessarily your gender. Googling lesbian bars when you already identify as bisexual and fantasising about secret nights out seems to support that theory.
Maybe you're just done with this straight relationship, or indeed all straight relationships.
posted by DarlingBri at 6:59 AM on April 14, 2013
Maybe you're just done with this straight relationship, or indeed all straight relationships.
posted by DarlingBri at 6:59 AM on April 14, 2013
Agreeing with DarlingBri. It sounds like you're, on the one hand, investing in new and deeper ways of expressing your natural genderqueer/gender fluidity vs uncovering something new - which itself is something I'd say to embrace without question for as long as it lasts. (genderqueer bi woman here).
HOWEVER, it also sounds like a good deal of that exploration is an escape from a situation you sound very miserable in. I think it'd be a good idea (personally or with queer-friendly professional help) to isolate what are two distinct questions: "I need to change my personal life in a drastic way to something more happy" and then seeing how your gender expresses or settles itself when you feel more comfortable in your life and in your skin.
(I don't know if this is helpful but: I identify very much with your pre-crisis feelings and go through stages where I want to be ultrafemme and others where I want to be ultrabutch. I label both mentally as play and drag ('50's housewife today! Tweed blazer and vest tomorrow!) and that relieves the occasional "how do I identify to others" anxiety. Since you're normally at peace and suddenly not knowing how to think of yourself, feeling that it needs to change deeply, is what makes me think this is "I'm uncomfortable with my life in general" vs "I'm uncomfortable with my gender")
posted by blue_and_bronze at 7:15 AM on April 14, 2013 [7 favorites]
HOWEVER, it also sounds like a good deal of that exploration is an escape from a situation you sound very miserable in. I think it'd be a good idea (personally or with queer-friendly professional help) to isolate what are two distinct questions: "I need to change my personal life in a drastic way to something more happy" and then seeing how your gender expresses or settles itself when you feel more comfortable in your life and in your skin.
(I don't know if this is helpful but: I identify very much with your pre-crisis feelings and go through stages where I want to be ultrafemme and others where I want to be ultrabutch. I label both mentally as play and drag ('50's housewife today! Tweed blazer and vest tomorrow!) and that relieves the occasional "how do I identify to others" anxiety. Since you're normally at peace and suddenly not knowing how to think of yourself, feeling that it needs to change deeply, is what makes me think this is "I'm uncomfortable with my life in general" vs "I'm uncomfortable with my gender")
posted by blue_and_bronze at 7:15 AM on April 14, 2013 [7 favorites]
I am NOT saying "oh, you just need a change," but sometimes I myself feel or behave this way when I need a change (in other not-specifically-gendered areas of my life). So I would go with other commenters in saying it may be about huge stresses and not about gender confusion simpliciter.
For the heck of it...if you need some gender-fluid distraction during a rough time...you might check out the (hilarious) work of Florence King, if you don't know her already.
I hope things get better soon!
posted by skbw at 7:33 AM on April 14, 2013 [1 favorite]
For the heck of it...if you need some gender-fluid distraction during a rough time...you might check out the (hilarious) work of Florence King, if you don't know her already.
I hope things get better soon!
posted by skbw at 7:33 AM on April 14, 2013 [1 favorite]
If you feel like you cannot express yourself fully within your current relationship, that's a flag. Whether it's gender related or some other form of censure or control, it means there's something not clicking well. Now maybe the limitation is internal (fear or habit) or maybe it's external (you'll get pushback), but it's hard to know for sure sometimes.
So I am with the other commenters that you should find someone to talk to about this.
As far as gender issues go, I of course encourage you to present as whoever/whatever you are most comfortable presenting as, even if that varies minute by minute. If you feel you can't do that safely or comfortably, again, there's some kind of relationship dysfunction that needs to be looked at.
posted by seanmpuckett at 7:39 AM on April 14, 2013 [2 favorites]
So I am with the other commenters that you should find someone to talk to about this.
As far as gender issues go, I of course encourage you to present as whoever/whatever you are most comfortable presenting as, even if that varies minute by minute. If you feel you can't do that safely or comfortably, again, there's some kind of relationship dysfunction that needs to be looked at.
posted by seanmpuckett at 7:39 AM on April 14, 2013 [2 favorites]
- do people become gender-confused at such a late age?
Yes, definitely. Just looking at people who transition socially or medically (rather than people who don't fit squarely in the cisgender box more broadly), some don't realise they're trans until after 35, or realise and don't/can't do anything about it.
- could this just be a temporary issue, brought on my stress and my fully-acknowledged desire to flee my life at times (like several times a day)?
Like others have said, absolutely. You've described a situation in which, for some people, feelings about their gender might surface for the first time (or they might acknowledge them for the first time) and for other people, it's a complete red herring and a different gender is a different life to disappear into, but not one any more attractive than the other lives they thought might be nice to disappear into.
You've listed some things that are not going so well in your life. Can you try to fix them? The gender thing may resolve itself, or it may not, but if it doesn't, if you've taken care of as much of the other stuff as you can, you've got more room to deal with it.
posted by hoyland at 7:39 AM on April 14, 2013 [1 favorite]
Yes, definitely. Just looking at people who transition socially or medically (rather than people who don't fit squarely in the cisgender box more broadly), some don't realise they're trans until after 35, or realise and don't/can't do anything about it.
- could this just be a temporary issue, brought on my stress and my fully-acknowledged desire to flee my life at times (like several times a day)?
Like others have said, absolutely. You've described a situation in which, for some people, feelings about their gender might surface for the first time (or they might acknowledge them for the first time) and for other people, it's a complete red herring and a different gender is a different life to disappear into, but not one any more attractive than the other lives they thought might be nice to disappear into.
You've listed some things that are not going so well in your life. Can you try to fix them? The gender thing may resolve itself, or it may not, but if it doesn't, if you've taken care of as much of the other stuff as you can, you've got more room to deal with it.
posted by hoyland at 7:39 AM on April 14, 2013 [1 favorite]
It could be that there's something about the more butch presentation that you find comforting or self-protective. I'm kind of a dainty woman, but when I'm walking down a strange street I'll change my posture and gait - almost without thinking - to the most masculine and "not to be messed with" figure I can muster. At times I enjoy certain stereotypically masculine activities because they give me more of a sense of personal power and agency and help me believe that I CAN take care of myself.
I cut my hair short when I had finally had enough of being harassed, sort of to signal that my quiet compliance was now a thing of the past. Once I was out of that situation I felt ok about letting my hair grow back.
So you are probably not looking at your NEW ME FOREVER, but an aspect of your personality that has always been present but has never been revealed before. Once your career and relationship issues are sorted - see what happens. You may continue to be intrigued with presenting as male; but you may not.
I wouldn't treat this as a new problem. Watch it and play with it and see what happens.
posted by bunderful at 7:52 AM on April 14, 2013 [4 favorites]
I cut my hair short when I had finally had enough of being harassed, sort of to signal that my quiet compliance was now a thing of the past. Once I was out of that situation I felt ok about letting my hair grow back.
So you are probably not looking at your NEW ME FOREVER, but an aspect of your personality that has always been present but has never been revealed before. Once your career and relationship issues are sorted - see what happens. You may continue to be intrigued with presenting as male; but you may not.
I wouldn't treat this as a new problem. Watch it and play with it and see what happens.
posted by bunderful at 7:52 AM on April 14, 2013 [4 favorites]
But very recently, like in the past few weeks, I've had some strange urges. First, I really felt the need to cut my hair. I even thought of cutting it very short, like a buzz cut, but that would have looked awful with my face-shape, so I settled for a chin-length bob. But also, I've been finding myself avoiding wearing my skirts or feminine blouses, in favour of trousers and men's style shirts. It's like, suddenly, I felt the need to dress in a butch style, and wanting to walk and sit in a more masculine way. I've been wearing the same two pairs of trousers for the past two weeks, and the same hoodie (really need to wash that one). I wore a bit of make-up when I went out the other day, but it was in conscious imitation of a male character in a book I read recently.
Far be it for me to tell you how you identify, or what gender performance means for you, or what you should do about any of this, but the above paragraph describes me and my way of being gendered to the letter.
I'm a cisgendered bisexual woman. I've had some butch moments, and I've had some times in life where I was comfortable presenting in a really feminine way. And sometimes I really love wearing summer sundresses, and ballet flats, and actually bothering about my hair, even if I am in my more usual jeans/t-shirts/hoodies gender-presentation mode. But mostly I'm a bit of a tomboy, sartorially, despite the fact that I can also spend all day obsessing about what color Joan Holloway's pencil skirt is this week on Mad Men or redecorating my apartment or wondering whether I should lose weight or getting a manicure or anything else you could describe as "femme" gender performance.
I'm just sort of... who I am. And that's been known to change with the years. Being comfortable just being Sara without needing to be Butch or Femme or Trans or Genderqueer or any other label. My guess is that people who identify closely and permanently as one of those labels are also being Themselves and not grasping at a label, of course. But you shouldn't feel like the existence of said labels means that everyone is expected to pick one, stick with it, and be gendered in only the way that label implies*, or alternately be in some kind of gender identity crisis. There's nothing wrong with being a woman who wants to have short hair and wear mostly hoodies and also drink mimosas and have a Real Housewives marathon with your bestie.
I don't know if this helps you at all, but you're very much speaking my language here, and I just wanted to pipe in and tell you you're OK.
*Likewise for the labels you already carry -- Cis, female, queer, etc. You can do all of that in whatever way you want to, regardless of whether it fits others' stereotypes of what a cisgendered bisexual woman is supposed to be like.
posted by Sara C. at 10:46 AM on April 14, 2013 [11 favorites]
Far be it for me to tell you how you identify, or what gender performance means for you, or what you should do about any of this, but the above paragraph describes me and my way of being gendered to the letter.
I'm a cisgendered bisexual woman. I've had some butch moments, and I've had some times in life where I was comfortable presenting in a really feminine way. And sometimes I really love wearing summer sundresses, and ballet flats, and actually bothering about my hair, even if I am in my more usual jeans/t-shirts/hoodies gender-presentation mode. But mostly I'm a bit of a tomboy, sartorially, despite the fact that I can also spend all day obsessing about what color Joan Holloway's pencil skirt is this week on Mad Men or redecorating my apartment or wondering whether I should lose weight or getting a manicure or anything else you could describe as "femme" gender performance.
I'm just sort of... who I am. And that's been known to change with the years. Being comfortable just being Sara without needing to be Butch or Femme or Trans or Genderqueer or any other label. My guess is that people who identify closely and permanently as one of those labels are also being Themselves and not grasping at a label, of course. But you shouldn't feel like the existence of said labels means that everyone is expected to pick one, stick with it, and be gendered in only the way that label implies*, or alternately be in some kind of gender identity crisis. There's nothing wrong with being a woman who wants to have short hair and wear mostly hoodies and also drink mimosas and have a Real Housewives marathon with your bestie.
I don't know if this helps you at all, but you're very much speaking my language here, and I just wanted to pipe in and tell you you're OK.
*Likewise for the labels you already carry -- Cis, female, queer, etc. You can do all of that in whatever way you want to, regardless of whether it fits others' stereotypes of what a cisgendered bisexual woman is supposed to be like.
posted by Sara C. at 10:46 AM on April 14, 2013 [11 favorites]
Hi! Okay, it's "share some similar personal experiences" time.
I'm a 32-year-old cis man, more or less. When I'm in a queer enough context that people ask about your gender, I say mine is "Assigned male at birth, subsequently too busy to fuck with it." And that's sort of a joke, but it's sort of not.
There have been a couple of points in my life when I thought seriously about transitioning permanently. Like you, I've always wanted to present myself in a fluid, flexible, gender-bending way. But 99% of the time, there's been someplace in the cis-male spectrum — "sensitive hippie guy," "art school dude wearing makeup," "just jeans and a t-shirt: that could mean anything," "this suit feels like drag but that's kind of fun" — where I've been reasonably comfortable. And some days I do feel definitely masculine.
What I've learned is that a lot of this comes down to basic self-care. If I make a general habit of respecting my own female side and keeping it ("her"?) happy, we can coexist just fine: I can comfortably use masculine pronouns, go too long without shaving, whatever. I know she's in there, she knows I'm looking out for her, we make a pretty good team. If I don't keep my female side happy, she says "Fuck you, I didn't want to do this, but you leave me with no choice: I'm taking over," and then I need to do a couple trips around the "Oh god I shoulda transitioned when I was 15" roller coaster and everyone's miserable.
So I guess here's my advice, based on the stuff that's been working for me:
posted by Now there are two. There are two _______. at 10:53 AM on April 14, 2013 [28 favorites]
I'm a 32-year-old cis man, more or less. When I'm in a queer enough context that people ask about your gender, I say mine is "Assigned male at birth, subsequently too busy to fuck with it." And that's sort of a joke, but it's sort of not.
There have been a couple of points in my life when I thought seriously about transitioning permanently. Like you, I've always wanted to present myself in a fluid, flexible, gender-bending way. But 99% of the time, there's been someplace in the cis-male spectrum — "sensitive hippie guy," "art school dude wearing makeup," "just jeans and a t-shirt: that could mean anything," "this suit feels like drag but that's kind of fun" — where I've been reasonably comfortable. And some days I do feel definitely masculine.
What I've learned is that a lot of this comes down to basic self-care. If I make a general habit of respecting my own female side and keeping it ("her"?) happy, we can coexist just fine: I can comfortably use masculine pronouns, go too long without shaving, whatever. I know she's in there, she knows I'm looking out for her, we make a pretty good team. If I don't keep my female side happy, she says "Fuck you, I didn't want to do this, but you leave me with no choice: I'm taking over," and then I need to do a couple trips around the "Oh god I shoulda transitioned when I was 15" roller coaster and everyone's miserable.
So I guess here's my advice, based on the stuff that's been working for me:
- If there's anyone in your life you can talk to about this, do. In the short run, coming out to your boyfriend (especially if he's straight and/or cis and this might be crisis-inducing for him, and especially if your relationship is already strained) might be tricky. But I find it's really valuable to have at least one IRL friend who knows about this stuff and Gets It.
- In the long run, you should probably find a way to talk to your boyfriend about this. Having sex with someone who has constrictive or chafing ideas about your gender can be really, really dysphoria-inducing. Depending on where your feelings settle out at, that could be as much as "We need to talk; I'm genderqueer" or as little as "Oh man I'm feeling so butch lately. Anyway, how was your day?" What matters is getting it on the table in a way that feels honest.
- I find it really helps to do as little self-censoring and self-policing as I can get away with. Okay, I can't go to work in a dress without creating a shitstorm. But there are pants and tops that feel "feminine enough" to me to be satisfying, but still look masculine enough that I can go to work in them. And I do that as often as I need to. It's tempting to be like "No, I should butch up as much as I can in order to avoid suspicion" — but in fact, dressing on the femme side of what's acceptable leaves me much more at peace with myself, and that's way more important.
- Also, probably you can get away with more than you think. Occasionally I do or say something that leaves me thinking "Surely that must have outed me to everyone in the room." Nope. When your body, your name and your pronoun are all congruent with one sex, and your partner counts as a member of the "opposite" sex, then you can throw all sorts of gender-incongruent social cues and nobody notices. It's really crazy. (It's also a tremendous bit of privilege; but as ways of wielding privilege go, "self-care" is a pretty innocuous one, as long as you keep in mind that other people have fewer options.)
- So in particular: Don't just wash that hoodie. Buy another damn hoodie! And more trousers, if you need 'em! If you've got a basic unisex/butch wardrobe that will last you a week or so, along with your preexisting femme wardrobe, then you'll be able to worry a lot less — you can just get up in the morning and put on what you want instead of having to be like "This feeling absolutely needs to pass by tomorrow or I'll have nothing to wear." Think of it like gender insurance.
- This business about "maybe I'm just over-identifying with my slightly genderqueer side" is probably not a helpful way to look at it — specifically, I think the "over-identifying" part is unhelpful. Yeah, it's easy for those of us towards the middle of the Kinsey scale to end up feeling like "Oh, I'm not really queer, this doesn't count, it can't really be an important part of my identity." But everyone's gender and sexual identity is important (and surprisingly complicated!). Even if your gender identity settles out someplace very close to (or, hell, identical to) "standard" normative femininity, it's still an important part of who you are, and you'll be happier with it once you get to know it better.
posted by Now there are two. There are two _______. at 10:53 AM on April 14, 2013 [28 favorites]
Another thought. You don't really mention your partner here and what his take on all this is, whether you are out to him as bi, what he knows about your feelings about all this, how he feels, or most importantly, the things he says to you about queerness and gender that are probably offhand comments but can cut to the core (especially at times when the relationship is under stress and you're feeling depressed and questioning your own identity).
But I will throw this out there, just in case it's a factor.
Dating someone who disapproves of who you are -- whether that's openly or in a more unthinking/casual sort of way -- is TOXIC to people who don't slot easily into "Hetero Cisgendered Girly Girl/Manly Man".
If your boyfriend chafes at you having shorter hair, or wearing pants, or reading queer lit, or sitting with your legs open, or not shaving, or being out as bisexual but not in a male-fantasy sort of way, or HOWEVER this is manifesting for you, look, I don't want to say DTMFA, but I think it's at least worth a conversation about how that makes you feel. Even if it's not "intentional". Even if it's not directed toward you specifically. Even if it's just subtle pressure on you to "be pretty" or "act like a girl" or whatever. You need to be with someone who gets you, and lets you be who you are, not an image of what he thinks a woman ought to be like.
This can be really fucking hard. I think there are a lot of men who cannot make this leap with you. And I hope this isn't a problem in your relationship, or if it is, it's easily corrected with a heart to heart. But if your boyfriend gives you shit about how you dress or your beauty regimen or your reading material? FUCK HIM, and I don't mean literally.
posted by Sara C. at 11:24 AM on April 14, 2013 [6 favorites]
But I will throw this out there, just in case it's a factor.
Dating someone who disapproves of who you are -- whether that's openly or in a more unthinking/casual sort of way -- is TOXIC to people who don't slot easily into "Hetero Cisgendered Girly Girl/Manly Man".
If your boyfriend chafes at you having shorter hair, or wearing pants, or reading queer lit, or sitting with your legs open, or not shaving, or being out as bisexual but not in a male-fantasy sort of way, or HOWEVER this is manifesting for you, look, I don't want to say DTMFA, but I think it's at least worth a conversation about how that makes you feel. Even if it's not "intentional". Even if it's not directed toward you specifically. Even if it's just subtle pressure on you to "be pretty" or "act like a girl" or whatever. You need to be with someone who gets you, and lets you be who you are, not an image of what he thinks a woman ought to be like.
This can be really fucking hard. I think there are a lot of men who cannot make this leap with you. And I hope this isn't a problem in your relationship, or if it is, it's easily corrected with a heart to heart. But if your boyfriend gives you shit about how you dress or your beauty regimen or your reading material? FUCK HIM, and I don't mean literally.
posted by Sara C. at 11:24 AM on April 14, 2013 [6 favorites]
Recognizing one's own gender identity can occur at any age, and questioning it is a sign that a session with a professional with specific training and experience in matters of gender would help.
Gender identity is distinct from gender performativity, as evidenced by the large portion of drag kings and queens who identify as strongly cisgendered. I'd encourage you to think about the reasons why you feel, under the high stress you report experiencing, a strong desire to butch it up. It could be anything and none of us can get inside your head to know how much of it is related to a drive to be your own person, a desire to flout conventional norms, a response to others' or your own expectations, suppressed gender identity coming to the fore, reaction to your "invisibility" privilege as a bisexual woman in a relationship with a man.
In addition to thinking and exploring, basic human respect says this profound an issue needs to be openly discussed with those who play important roles in your life, including your SO. Your loved ones can't get inside your head either (though they can sometimes seem to come close in some cases) so do some self-exploration and planning before launching into anything like a We Have To Talk conversation: it's easier to discuss anything when there's more data available about that thing.
One of the great and terrible things about being human is we change and grow. Another is that we can influence who we are.
posted by thatdawnperson at 1:11 PM on April 14, 2013 [1 favorite]
Gender identity is distinct from gender performativity, as evidenced by the large portion of drag kings and queens who identify as strongly cisgendered. I'd encourage you to think about the reasons why you feel, under the high stress you report experiencing, a strong desire to butch it up. It could be anything and none of us can get inside your head to know how much of it is related to a drive to be your own person, a desire to flout conventional norms, a response to others' or your own expectations, suppressed gender identity coming to the fore, reaction to your "invisibility" privilege as a bisexual woman in a relationship with a man.
In addition to thinking and exploring, basic human respect says this profound an issue needs to be openly discussed with those who play important roles in your life, including your SO. Your loved ones can't get inside your head either (though they can sometimes seem to come close in some cases) so do some self-exploration and planning before launching into anything like a We Have To Talk conversation: it's easier to discuss anything when there's more data available about that thing.
One of the great and terrible things about being human is we change and grow. Another is that we can influence who we are.
posted by thatdawnperson at 1:11 PM on April 14, 2013 [1 favorite]
I think there's some great advice here, and all I can do really is chime in with a few additional observations.
As others have said, you should talk to a therapist... Not because there's anything wrong with being genderqueer, but because you are unhappy and struggling in your life.
As bunderful suggests, it could be that you're embracing what we would call your masculine side as a means of self-protection, you want to be strong so you're being pulled toward traditionally "masculine" attributes. The feelings you're experiencing could be stuff you've been suppressing your whole life, a new response to stress, some combination of the two... This is an individual thing, and the only real answer to a lot of your questions is, "Yeah, maybe..."
Try to relax and explore this stuff without panicking about it turning your life upside down. These feelings don't mean that you've been living a lie your whole life, they are just another side of yourself you're getting to know now. Take it at your own pace, try new things, but don't force anything. If something feels right, follow it and see where it takes you. Maybe it wouldn't have felt right six months ago, and maybe it won't feel right six months from now, but if it really feels right for right now, pay attention to that.
This stuff can be scary. But it can also be fun. That's advice I find myself giving, over and over: have fun with it. Dress up, go places, try things. Have fun.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 5:04 PM on April 14, 2013 [2 favorites]
As others have said, you should talk to a therapist... Not because there's anything wrong with being genderqueer, but because you are unhappy and struggling in your life.
As bunderful suggests, it could be that you're embracing what we would call your masculine side as a means of self-protection, you want to be strong so you're being pulled toward traditionally "masculine" attributes. The feelings you're experiencing could be stuff you've been suppressing your whole life, a new response to stress, some combination of the two... This is an individual thing, and the only real answer to a lot of your questions is, "Yeah, maybe..."
Try to relax and explore this stuff without panicking about it turning your life upside down. These feelings don't mean that you've been living a lie your whole life, they are just another side of yourself you're getting to know now. Take it at your own pace, try new things, but don't force anything. If something feels right, follow it and see where it takes you. Maybe it wouldn't have felt right six months ago, and maybe it won't feel right six months from now, but if it really feels right for right now, pay attention to that.
This stuff can be scary. But it can also be fun. That's advice I find myself giving, over and over: have fun with it. Dress up, go places, try things. Have fun.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 5:04 PM on April 14, 2013 [2 favorites]
I tend to become more butch whenever I'm feeling less in control of things. I mean, I'm a solid uber-hourglass so butch is a relative term but I just roll with it. I'm female, happy to be that way, what I wear and how I act is not about those things.
I haven't cut my hair, but I generally do once I 'finish' something (my degrees, a relationship, so on and so forth). I do make sure I have a range of clothes though. Lately I'm presenting a lot more femme than usual (dresses!) but until then it was pretty solidly trousers/jeans and a shirt/hoodie. Hell today I'm wearing a men's shirt, jeans and sneakers. It's just what I'm wearing, I don't have to say 'I'm butch today' - I choose what I want to wear based on what I feel like wearing.
I had a lot of conflicting feelings as a teen, and bound my chest for a few months, but it was less about my gender and more about how I felt about performing that gender to societal expectations. And that's coming across a lot in your question - you don't want to be who you are, what the people around you are telling you to be, and this is a nice escape route because I'm assuming your male partner isn't getting the same shit? When something looks like an escape, not a destination, it generally means I need to change something about my life and that thing is not it. That thing might be part of it, but it isn't where I really want to be.
And whenever I start with the escape thing? I sit down and try and work out what is wrong. A therapist was great for that.
posted by geek anachronism at 6:54 PM on April 14, 2013 [4 favorites]
I haven't cut my hair, but I generally do once I 'finish' something (my degrees, a relationship, so on and so forth). I do make sure I have a range of clothes though. Lately I'm presenting a lot more femme than usual (dresses!) but until then it was pretty solidly trousers/jeans and a shirt/hoodie. Hell today I'm wearing a men's shirt, jeans and sneakers. It's just what I'm wearing, I don't have to say 'I'm butch today' - I choose what I want to wear based on what I feel like wearing.
I had a lot of conflicting feelings as a teen, and bound my chest for a few months, but it was less about my gender and more about how I felt about performing that gender to societal expectations. And that's coming across a lot in your question - you don't want to be who you are, what the people around you are telling you to be, and this is a nice escape route because I'm assuming your male partner isn't getting the same shit? When something looks like an escape, not a destination, it generally means I need to change something about my life and that thing is not it. That thing might be part of it, but it isn't where I really want to be.
And whenever I start with the escape thing? I sit down and try and work out what is wrong. A therapist was great for that.
posted by geek anachronism at 6:54 PM on April 14, 2013 [4 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by gjc at 6:43 AM on April 14, 2013 [7 favorites]