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My Boyfriend Is The Jealous Type
April 11, 2013 10:35 AM   Subscribe

Recently divorced - started seeing a guy who is everything great (hot, motivated, financially secured, really into me) but he didn't want a fling, he wanted a committed relationship. After seeing him exclusively for a few weeks some red flags have come up and an HUGE one his is jealousy issues.

He's the story book boyfriend and when we met it was instant chemistry. I could just look at him all day and most aspects of our relationship are wonderful - or they were at first.

He wanted a committed relationship and tho' I wasn't really down for that I knew if I said no I would miss out on the oppertunity to have a chance with him. So I did. He became really intense quickly, which at first was nice but now it's freaking me out. I just got rid of a husband, I don't want another!!

The worst thing is his jealousy - which turns into really hurtful comments. This weekend I was at a tournament in another city and he called to ask if he could come to the celebratory pub crawl. I was hesitant because I tried to make it clear that it was a girls weekend - but when I knew he was hurt I said "ok". He took my hesitency to a whole new level - freaked out on me on the phone saying "you'd rather spend time with your f**cking friends". When I regained my composure I calmly explained that it was OK if I wanted a girls weekend which was no reason for him to get upset and he reluctantly agreed.

He always questions why I spend time with my best friends (makes comments like: what are you a lesbian?"). I told him it hurt when he said that and his rebutle was "Well it wouldn't bother you if there was some truth to it".

Before we even met he had access to my work emails and I made the mistake of sending personal emails from that account. He managed the server and used them agaisnt me in the beginning, suggesting I was a sexual freak of somesort. I'm not - and made no apologies for what was sent before I even knew him personally. BUT - i know if he wanted too he could check my email and had made comments before we were facebook friends that implied he had see my wall on facebook (which is private). So now I'm left incredibly paranoid even though I am not doing anything wrong. I even cut all ties to men I was potentially interested in.

Anyways - apart from his intensity he's really amazing. I can't help but light up when he's near by - but when he acts like this I just think he's fucking crazy. We've only been dating a few weeks and this has gone far beyond what I was hoping for in a new relationship - but I know if I end it or say something to that effect he'll just leave and I might miss my chance.

He has been burned in the past by a fiance and there is a BIG age gap (He's early 40's and I'm late 20's). I also have a child from my marriage - but I still see him about 3-4 times a week for overnight visits.

He's really no like anyone I have ever met before. I'm worried that I'm trying to compensate for my failed marriage (exes famous last words: you'll never be happy with anyone and you'll never find anyone...etc.)

Also, did I mention how freakin' hot he is?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (138 answers total) 11 users marked this as a favorite
 
He's the story book boyfriend

"you'd rather spend time with your f**cking friends"

Unless the story you're reading is "Lifetime Movies: The Book", these things are totally incongruous. This guy is jackass jerkface city, and you should kick his sorry ass to the curb immediately. Like, yesterday.
posted by phunniemee at 10:39 AM on April 11, 2013 [187 favorites]


Hot guys in their 40s have probably had no motivation to change their creepy intense behavior up until that point. You probably aren't going to be able to change that.

Your red flags are gigantic to me and if you are seeing them within a "few weeks of exclusive", I don't see it getting any better. I'd run away.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 10:39 AM on April 11, 2013 [30 favorites]


We all feel jealous--it is a feature, not a bug. But our job is acknowledge those animal feelings without allowing them to negatively impact our relationships in powerful ways. This guy is not making the cut, sadly.
posted by Ironmouth at 10:40 AM on April 11, 2013 [4 favorites]


GET. OUT. Doesn't matter how hot he is, how great the sex is. This isn't a red flag, it's a frantically flashing red light with an airhorn.
posted by dogrose at 10:41 AM on April 11, 2013 [67 favorites]


Also, did I mention how freakin' hot he is?

Yeah, at the start, but then you went on this whole tangent about how he's a controlling jealous jerk, and I got distracted.

I dunno, I think you can do better. You've been seeing him a few weeks. It's only going to get worse.

You'll be happy with someone else who will be kind to you. Your ex was a liar.
posted by Admiral Haddock at 10:41 AM on April 11, 2013 [54 favorites]


Run. Run NOW and while your'e running, call a cab so you move even faster away from the crazy guy.

Seriously, stop reading this thread and call it quits on the guy. If he's abusing boundaries and calling you names, there's no way this could end good. His hotness will burn you.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 10:43 AM on April 11, 2013 [21 favorites]


...made the mistake of sending personal emails from that account. He managed the server and used them agaisnt me in the beginning...

What? No.

It is not OK for your boyfriend to be snooping around in your email, regardless of which account, and regardless of whether he "has access" to it.

It is not OK for your boyfriend to judge you about what is in personal emails that he happens to see for unavoidable reasons (to give him the EXTREME benefit of the doubt).

It seems really weird and bad to me that you're framing this to yourself and to us as you "making a mistake" in sending a personal email from an account that your boyfriend can access.

This has abuse written all over it. Get out now.
posted by Sara C. at 10:43 AM on April 11, 2013 [72 favorites]


I don't care how hot he is...RUN! Seriously, get away from this guy. You said he had access to your work emails before you ever met. Are you sure he wasn't stalking you?

All of this is happening after only a few weeks of dating????

This is stage 1000 creepy. Klaxons are going off in my head. Red strobes are flashing. DTMFA, and do it in such a way that you protect yourself, and your son. Good god. Can't stress this enough. Just get away, change your number, change your facebook passwords, cut off contact NOW.
posted by Gonestarfishing at 10:44 AM on April 11, 2013 [30 favorites]


In my experience: crazy jealousy is a sign of crazy controlling behaviour.

Don't be fooled into thinking that you are so hot/sexy/amazing that he just cant help but want you all to himself (even if he uses that as an excuse). He would act this way no matter who he was with.

Escape before this escalates, and believe me, it will.
posted by Shouraku at 10:45 AM on April 11, 2013 [3 favorites]


I told him it hurt when he said that and his rebutle was "Well it wouldn't bother you if there was some truth to it".

Before we even met he had access to my work emails and I made the mistake of sending personal emails from that account. He managed the server and used them agaisnt me in the beginning, suggesting I was a sexual freak of somesort.


He sounds like a creepy asshole to me. There are plenty of hot, motivated, financially secure men in the world who will be into you (also, who will express their into-ness in ways that aren't campaigns of intimidation.)
posted by kagredon at 10:45 AM on April 11, 2013 [3 favorites]


This is only going to get worse.

Leave now. You've only seen him for a few weeks. He pressured you into a committed relationship you weren't sure you wanted, and then he's attacking your desires to spend time with other people.

This is really dangerous. Leave. Get out.

He is grooming you into an abusive relationship.

GET OUT while you still can safely.
posted by zizzle at 10:45 AM on April 11, 2013 [116 favorites]


he had access to my work emails and I made the mistake of sending personal emails from that account. He managed the server and used them agaisnt me in the beginning

OK, ignoring all the relationship stuff and looking at this just from a server admin standpoint, that is a HUGE red flag. That is shit you just don't do. Massive breach of trust. Like therapist-blackmailing-patient level abuse. What a creep.
posted by ryanrs at 10:46 AM on April 11, 2013 [58 favorites]


Just yikes. On top of everything else, I would be shocked if he wasn't invading your internet privacy on a daily basis, given that he has done it in the past and continues to have access. Get out.
posted by something something at 10:46 AM on April 11, 2013 [7 favorites]


As an escapee of a relationship with a jealous partner, please get out now. And be prepared that he may not take your exit well, and you may have to deal with him stalking you afterwards.

I re-read your question and I think that you are talking yourself into this relationship because you are afraid that you won't find anyone better. Partly because of what your ex-partner said (which is of course just his hurt feelings lashing out, and not truthful at all), and partly because we all doubt ourselves when faced with the known versus the unknown.
posted by Joh at 10:47 AM on April 11, 2013 [4 favorites]


I didn't catch a question in your question, but if it is along the lines of: "How can I get my freakin' hot boyfriend to stop stalking me on Facebook, going off on jealous tantrums, being threatened by my total normal friendships and not eventually isolating me from everyone?" The answer is, you can't.

Hot is awesome, but you are only a few weeks in, which means what you are getting now is his BEST behavior. Imagine how worse this could - and probably will - get.
posted by Ink-stained wretch at 10:47 AM on April 11, 2013 [10 favorites]


zizzle - "He is grooming you into an abusive relationship."

THIS times a million. This is how abusive relationships start. Usually the abusers are a lot more subtle. Be happy he's throwing all of these giant neon red signs this early on. Please heed the signs.

CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH JUST GET AWAY FROM HIM.
posted by Gonestarfishing at 10:47 AM on April 11, 2013 [45 favorites]


Honestly this guy sounds like really bad news. I would get out right now. Behind his jealousy may be a lot of insecurity and anger issues. Plus his behavior is just plain rude, if not a bit bizarre. You don't need that. Snap out of it and move on!
posted by Dansaman at 10:48 AM on April 11, 2013 [3 favorites]


You know how those long-term abusive relationships can seem so weird to outsiders? We all think, "God, why does she stay with him?" Maybe it's because they've got a kid together, or a mortgage, or there's just inertia after so many years together? Or the woman feels it would be humiliating to leave him because then she'd have to admit to herself and the world just how foolish a choice she made in selecting this guy? Well, welcome to the opening chapter. You're at Step 1 of "Life in an Abusive Relationship."

Super that he's so hot, but that doesn't make up for the rest.

Now is the time to get out.
posted by BlahLaLa at 10:48 AM on April 11, 2013 [20 favorites]


Before we even met he had access to my work emails and I made the mistake of sending personal emails from that account. He managed the server and used them agaisnt me in the beginning, suggesting I was a sexual freak of somesort. I'm not - and made no apologies for what was sent before I even knew him personally. BUT - i know if he wanted too he could check my email and had made comments before we were facebook friends that implied he had see my wall on facebook (which is private).

This is terrible, terrible stuff. I'm a pretty jealous guy, but this is beyond the pale.
posted by Rock Steady at 10:48 AM on April 11, 2013 [5 favorites]


Also, did I mention how freakin' hot he is?

Hot is a great reason to have sex with someone. It's a terrible reason to put up with someone who doesn't care when he hurts you and thinks wanting to spend time with your friends is a bad thing.

There is nothing wrong with you, you're behaving like a normal person. He's not.

And you know, even if he wasn't be a complete and total creep (which he really really really is), you don't want a serious relationship. So don't have one. There are more hot guys out there.

Run, run fast, and do everything in your power to cut off his access to your e-mail. Quickly.
posted by Gygesringtone at 10:48 AM on April 11, 2013


Get rid of him. This is the beginning of a terrible relationship that will eventually put you in real physical danger.
posted by Sternmeyer at 10:48 AM on April 11, 2013 [3 favorites]


So, basically being hot and rich is all he's got going for him? He doesn't have any ethics, he appears to loathe you and everyone you associate with, and he's willing to risk his job (so I'm guessing you work together, so he's risking your job too?) to control and manipulate you?

And you're exposing your child to this?

Please get out and get some help. There's nothing about the situation you've described that is okay.

The reason he gives you funny feelings in your pants parts is because he's dangerous, not because he's good for you.
posted by Lyn Never at 10:49 AM on April 11, 2013 [29 favorites]


oh god, this is terrifying. please leave immediately and cut off ALL contact.
posted by marshmallow peep at 10:50 AM on April 11, 2013 [5 favorites]


The only way he is a storybook boyfriend is if he's the villain. He is not going to get better, he is only going to get worse, and you need to _go._
posted by KathrynT at 10:50 AM on April 11, 2013 [6 favorites]


Also, did I mention how freakin' hot he is?

All the freakin' hotness in the world won't matter anymore when he's isolated you from your friends and family and started in on the physical and/or emotional abuse -- which is precisely what he's grooming you for. RUN.
posted by scody at 10:52 AM on April 11, 2013 [16 favorites]


Your boyfriend is a huge, unbelievable asshole and if he's already like this after only a couple weeks, he's only going to get a lot worse.

He's trying to isolate you from your friends.
He's trying to chip away at your self-esteem.
He's stalking you on Facebook.
He's abusing his privileges at work to look at your email and he's letting you know he did that so you know he's in control.
He's trying to erode your confidence and your ability to trust yourself.

After two weeks. TWO WEEKS. This is going to end with you in the hospital or worse.

I've been a member of this site for three years now and given a shitload of relationship advice, and it should maybe tell you something that this is the first (and, God willing, the last) time I have ever used this tired, facile, far-overused phrase, because there really is no other answer:

Dump the motherfucker already.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 10:53 AM on April 11, 2013 [99 favorites]


He took my hesitency to a whole new level - freaked out on me on the phone saying "you'd rather spend time with your f**cking friends".
...
(exes famous last words: you'll never be happy with anyone and you'll never find anyone...etc.)

Dude sounds a lot like your ex.
posted by griphus at 10:54 AM on April 11, 2013 [16 favorites]


So now I'm left incredibly paranoid even though I am not doing anything wrong.

Been there. This is a classic sign that you are already being emotionally abused.
posted by The Deej at 10:55 AM on April 11, 2013 [29 favorites]


Holy Christ, you deserve better than this. This is scary stuff, and it is after only two weeks? There is nothing good that could ever come of this. So much of this sounds like the groundwork for a very very difficult and dangerous relationship.

Run like you just got shot in the ass!
Dump him!
Avoid avoid avoid!
Block! Delete! Hide!


Start demanding more for yourself and having higher standards. Hot does not a good partner make. Love, caring, consideration, respect, and trust are what a good partner make. Go find someone who has qualities beyond "hot". You're better than this abuser.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 10:55 AM on April 11, 2013 [7 favorites]


Anyways - apart from his intensity he's really amazing


I have a good friend who just broke up with her boyfriend of a year because he had did something completely inappropriate and refused to own up to it. We were talking about the situation and I said something along the lines of "It's too bad this guy did that. He was really great except for that [thing he did]".

She immediately said that no, it doesn't work that one. One red flag is it. It's not a percentages thing of "99% good behavior, so ignore the 1%" (which your guy is way past 1%, IMO). It's binary - he either behaves appropriately, or he doesn't.

This guy doesn't.


He managed the server and used them agaisnt me in the beginning

As a systems administrator, this is completely disgusting. I sincerely hope that you can report him to someone such as HR, because he shouldn't be given this sort of trust.

I wonder what other inappropriate actions he takes with the data he can access.
posted by Nonsteroidal Anti-Inflammatory Drug at 10:57 AM on April 11, 2013 [27 favorites]


"Well it wouldn't bother you if there was some truth to it".

Uh...yeah. That's pretty much not just a red flag, but a razor-toothed bear trap with spotlights, dancing lasers, rings of red banners, and a billboard.

"Hot" does not fix literally insane jealousy.
posted by batmonkey at 10:59 AM on April 11, 2013 [8 favorites]


As a woman with a penchant for dating men that are at least a decade older than she is, and as someone who has had that penchant since I was in my mid-teens, I can attest that everything that's in place by the early 40s is there a) for a reason and b) permanently -- as in, you're not going to be able to talk him out of and/or down from this one. I'm also painfully aware of the fact that someone's physical attractiveness, and the chemistry/magnetism contained therein, can be quite literally blinding when it comes to seeing fatal flaws in a potential partnership, so truly, I empathize with you. But the level of jealousy (and, like, weird bitterness... because you have close friends?) that this man is displaying toward you -- particularly after a few WEEKS of exclusive dating -- is one helluva giant screaming klaxon of a red flag.

I'm not entirely sure what the question is, but I do genuinely believe that inspiring someone to feel paranoid and/or guilty when they're just innocently going about their regular life is one of the lowest and most desperately unnecessary things one human being can do to another. It's like being permanently tailed by a cop, your thoughts start racing and grasping for any reason they could have to be there: "Shit, am I speeding? Are they gonna pull me over? Do I have a brake light out? Headlight? Turn signal? Expired tags? Any outstanding warrants?" No, everything is OK! Then why do I still feel like I'm doing something wrong?

You've already voluntarily ceded all of the other men you had as potential interests in order to remain near this one. Has he done the same for you? Do you know that for a fact? Set aside the physical aspect entirely for a moment, because there are millions upon MILLIONS of foxy, foxy men in the world -- good god, are there ever. Now think: Is someone who makes you feel like you're being tailed by a cop really someone you want to continue to spend your one brief, strange, beautiful chance at life with?
posted by divined by radio at 10:59 AM on April 11, 2013 [16 favorites]


Are you still working together? When you dump him, and you should, be extremely careful with your computer use at work, as the chance of retribution seems fairly high.
posted by desjardins at 11:00 AM on April 11, 2013 [17 favorites]


This sounds like a dangerous situation now, and it sounds like it will get more dangerous quickly. I would talk with other close friends and family about it now so that if you need support in leaving they can help with that.

I would also report him to his place of work for reading your work emails.
posted by OmieWise at 11:00 AM on April 11, 2013 [22 favorites]


Oh, and this:

When I regained my composure I calmly explained that it was OK if I wanted a girls weekend which was no reason for him to get upset and he reluctantly agreed.


Darn tootin' it's OK. I can't believe this guy.
posted by Nonsteroidal Anti-Inflammatory Drug at 11:01 AM on April 11, 2013 [3 favorites]


OMG, how can you think this guy is the "story book boyfriend"? Forget being abusive in the future, he's being abusive right now if he calls your friends your "fucking friends" and questions the time you spend with them after two weeks? Calling you a lesbian for wanting to spend time with female friends? That's absolutely beyond the pale. When he said that, why didn't you tell him to get lost? You should have right then and there. He's testing you to see what you'll put up with, and so far you've been passing all the tests with flying colors. This guy is a jerk, and no amount of money or hotness will make up for his fundamental lack of niceness.
posted by peacheater at 11:01 AM on April 11, 2013 [18 favorites]


Oh, one other thing:

and had made comments before we were facebook friends that implied he had see my wall on facebook (which is private).

Change your password for Facebook and any site you might check your email from (gmail, etc). Don't do it from a work computer. Stop accessing Facebook or your personal email at work.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 11:03 AM on April 11, 2013 [34 favorites]


RUN

RUN

RUN
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 11:08 AM on April 11, 2013 [9 favorites]


Leave this relationship. Your boyfriend is not the jealous type, he the abusive type. He's unwilling to let you have boundaries and is putting you in a situation where you either have a relationship on his terms or not at all. Really, I don't think its that big of a loss, but in general, relationships are about two people coming together not one person dictating terms to another.

Dump him, let the people in your life know that you've dumped a creeper and follow the advice given here about the computer stuff, because that is so creepy and dangerous.
posted by GilvearSt at 11:08 AM on April 11, 2013 [12 favorites]


Holy crap. I forgive a lot in relationships--too much, really. But this?

This one ends now, or it ends on the evening news. Your choice.
posted by like_a_friend at 11:10 AM on April 11, 2013 [9 favorites]


I made the mistake of NOT getting out when I ran into these red flags, and I lost 4 years of my life and still have lingering issues from the abuse heaped on me. PLEASE listen and get out. This is not healthy for you, you deserve so much better.
posted by Nimmie Amee at 11:11 AM on April 11, 2013 [11 favorites]


Your boyfriend is a douche. A HUGE douche. Dump him now. Unceremoniously. He will try to control your life forever. He deserves to be fucking lonely and sad.

My sister is married to a guy who is like, half the douche your boyfriend is (as described), and he's an asshole who whines about her participating in our sister's pre-wedding activities ("I GUESS I HAVE NO CHOICE ABOUT WEDDING STUFF BLOOHOOHOO BLUBBER BLUBBER"), won't do anything or go anywhere with her and would prefer if she didn't go anywhere or do anything either, and is just generally an ass everybody hates. Don't do this to yourself. He'll ostracize you from your friends and family, you'll be lonely and stuck with his dumb, selfish brat behavior for all time. You'll find another hot boyfriend later.

Also get him the shit out of your Facebook and e-mail, christ fucking jesus, I can't believe this fucker. This guy is an ABUSIVE stalker asshole. I wouldn't be surprised to see you posting a much more serious question about your boyfriend's control/abuse here in a year.
posted by stoneandstar at 11:13 AM on April 11, 2013 [9 favorites]


Okay, I'd even kick David Tennant to the curb if he accused me of being a lesbian whenever I hung out with my friends (and that is saying something).

Doesn't matter how hot the guy is. In the immortal words of a site I used to hang around on for a while, "you're thinking with your pussy. Stop it."
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 11:14 AM on April 11, 2013 [22 favorites]


The comments in this thread are spot-on. I hope you listen, and I hope you soon become unwilling to put up with anything remotely resembling what this guy is dishing out. In all sincerity, you need to reevaluate what you consider boyfriend material, lest you end up in an abusive relationship.
posted by Specklet at 11:15 AM on April 11, 2013 [2 favorites]


Oh, and PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE follow the computer advice. Consult with professionals if necessary. What he's doing is dangerous and he could be a lot more dangerous if you let this go on any longer and don't nip this in the bud NOW. (Without telling him-- don't tell him a fucking thing.)
posted by stoneandstar at 11:15 AM on April 11, 2013 [3 favorites]


Please, please, PLEASE do not ignore these red flags that people are seeing here.

Emotionally abusive partners just get worse as time goes on. You don't deserve to be treated this way, period. Sure, he may be hot on the outside but he seems fugly on the inside.
posted by luckynerd at 11:17 AM on April 11, 2013 [3 favorites]


Wait, does he still have access to your work email? Do you work together? If so I'm afraid this is going to get worse before it gets better.

You need to start thinking about locking down or starting new email/Facebook accounts that he does not have any sort of access to. Do not use security questions he knows the answer to, do not use your work email address as a recovery email address, etc.
posted by Rock Steady at 11:18 AM on April 11, 2013 [3 favorites]


If this guy is the sysadmin at work, that raises some challenges, doesn't it? Or if he has some other reason to access the server, though I don't know what. Especially if you sent sexually explicit emails from your work account.

It sounds as though you are going to need to talk to HR - not because you did something wrong (although sending those emails from a work account was probably not a good idea) but because he has the ability and incentive to render those emails public or send them to your manager or otherwise make work trouble for you. You don't want your immediate boss receiving all those.

In an ideal world, you would be able to talk privately to some other IT person who could help you by deleting the emails from the server or whatever technical magic could be involved without involving HR, but that probably can't happen.

Plus, you'll need to talk to HR because there needs to be a way for this dude to be kept out of your email, since your work email is now irretrievably compromised.
posted by Frowner at 11:19 AM on April 11, 2013 [16 favorites]


Actually, I'm going to advise you to take care of all this computer business to the best of your ability, unhinge your life from his, and THEN break up. Don't give him a single second to "prepare" by saving all your emails to his computer or some fucking terrifying thing like that. And by break up, I mean don't ever see him again and if he threatens you, save all his threats in case the police need to see. Take this seriously.

I'm sorry to ring the alarm so hard but I've seen a lot of domestic abuse and RARELY does it start out this severe-- it's a very very serious warning sign.
posted by stoneandstar at 11:20 AM on April 11, 2013 [45 favorites]


Yes, RUN. This is 100% textbook abusive behavior. The intense anger, jealousy, controlling behavior, complete disregard for your privacy... and you're already paranoid, questioning your reality and changing your behavior to cater to him. Get yourself and your out child out of this before you completely lose your perspective on what's okay and normal. Because it's only going to descend further into hell from here.

It all feels so flattering right now because he's soooo into you, he's a storybook boyfriend, and he's like no one else you've ever met - but this is precisely how abusers operate. He's not "amazing" in spite of his abusive behavior. No, he's exactly this way because he's abusive, and he's terrific at putting on the "storybook boyfriend" act when he wants to. It's all smoke and mirrors. Once he has you brainwashed into fully accepting the crazy, he won't need the storybook boyfriend act anymore, and it'll be all the crazy all the time. Except by then, you won't even be of sound enough mind anymore to recognize the crazy. And how he's behaving towards you? That's how he'll treat your child too, once you're too far gone to stop the abuse.

It's so great that you're asking this question, because many, many women don't know to reach out at this point. As you can see, the resounding response is that you're in danger and you need to cut him loose immediately. You can do this. You're worth a man who is hot, and totally into you, and respects you as a human being.
posted by keep it under cover at 11:20 AM on April 11, 2013 [15 favorites]


Wow. This guy sounds terrible. Seriously. Listen to what everyone else has said above.
posted by alligatorman at 11:20 AM on April 11, 2013


Do you have a counselor you can speak with about your feelings regarding the divorce and your self-worth?

I'm not sure how you can read what you wrote and not see that being with this man will only hurt you in the short and long term. I think on some level you know that you're doing something harmful to yourself. Maybe you're doing this to put distance between you and your past. Maybe you're doing this because you're enjoying your freedom for the first time in a while and it's intoxicating you. Maybe you're lonely. Maybe you think you deserve to be treated like this. Maybe you're taking out your anger about the world on yourself. Maybe you're feeling guilty. Maybe you feel like a failure and dating a hot guy makes you feel better about yourself. Maybe it's none of these. I don't know, but you should find out. For whatever reason, you're not letting yourself see your situation clearly. He wants to isolate you and control you. He doesn't care about your feelings or needs. He's extremely disrespectful of the relationships you value. By extension, he's disrespecting YOU. There is no excuse for how he's treating you. None. I don't care how many people have broken his heart and betrayed his trust. Most people manage to be betrayed by people they thought they could trust and have come out of it without having to do what he's doing.

You're not missing a "chance" to be with him. If you break up with him, you're dodging a bullet. This is not a "chance" at a better future. This is a chance to end up in an emotionally abusive relationship where you never feel like you have control of your life. People won't look at the two of you together and think "Look at that woman, how'd she bag that hottie". They're going to think "Ah, another woman who will do anything for a man who treats her like crap. How sad."

Let him go (and for good measure, change your email accounts, passwords, phone numbers, and locks).
posted by rhythm and booze at 11:21 AM on April 11, 2013 [7 favorites]


If you have a difficult time thinking clearly about your own safety, imagine he was saying the same things he says to you to your child. This is very dangerous for him/her, too.
posted by stoneandstar at 11:23 AM on April 11, 2013 [6 favorites]


Run, preferably screaming, in the other direction.

I've also dated many a "jealous type" and oh my god, never again. I promise there are normal ones out there.
posted by mokudekiru at 11:23 AM on April 11, 2013


I missed the fact that you have a child the first time I read this.

DO NOT ALLOW THIS MAN ANYWHERE NEAR YOUR CHILD. Do not let this man play any part in your child's life. Do not raise your child seeing you, their mom, being abused and terrorized by their partner. Do not allow yourself to be destroyed. You will NOT be able to be a good parent to your child in this situation. Everything he is doing to you, he will do to your child, only it will be worse and more damaging because your child will also be seeing their mom be abused.

Do you think your kid gives two fucks how hot the guy is that is abusing their mom? I promise you, they don't. All they will see is the abuse, all they will see if their mother being harmed and abused and terrorized by someone who supposedly loved them. All they will experience is abuse and torment and very real and serious psychological damage. Your child will suffer at the hands of this man.

For god's sake, you have a child. You owe it to YOUR CHILD to have higher standards for a partner. If you won't do it for yourself, for Christ's sake do it for your kid.

Staying with this man would be KNOWINGLY and PURPOSEFULLY bringing your child in to an abusive situation.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 11:28 AM on April 11, 2013 [21 favorites]


From the OP:
We no longer work together. We met a few months back when I was transitioning from one job to the next. We have been seeing each other for 2-3 months. Thank you for all the support - a casual aquaintance had suggested his actions were only because he was so into me but I still had doubts.
posted by mathowie at 11:31 AM on April 11, 2013 [6 favorites]


... a casual aquaintance had suggested his actions were only because he was so into me...

This may be stating the obvious, but I would suggest not taking dating advice from this person in the future.
posted by griphus at 11:34 AM on April 11, 2013 [55 favorites]


Also, did I mention how freakin' hot he is?

You know how sometimes you meet a guy who is so hot, and then you find out he has a terrible personality, or a slew of icky character traits, or he insults people, or he treats people he's close to badly, or he's sort of a bully, or he abuses his work privileges to gain information he then uses to hurt people? And then all of a sudden you don't find him hot at all, but instead you look at him and just see ugliness?

If you don't know what I mean, if you've never experienced that feeling yourself, it's time to learn. Now.
posted by DestinationUnknown at 11:41 AM on April 11, 2013 [5 favorites]


We no longer work together. We met a few months back when I was transitioning from one job to the next.

This is a relief, but you should still change every one of your passwords before dumping him, just as a precaution.
posted by showbiz_liz at 11:42 AM on April 11, 2013 [9 favorites]


This is a relief, but you should still change every one of your passwords before dumping him, just as a precaution.

And then again after dumping him.
posted by Jairus at 11:43 AM on April 11, 2013 [14 favorites]


His next move is to interfere with your parenting, I'd bet. Often it's "you want to get back with your ex!" or he just makes it hard for you to see your child due to repeated screaming phone calls and if you don't pick up he's "not sure you're really with your kid" so he drops by...eventually he's so difficult and jealous you lose time with your child. As a mother I know that we have romantic and sexual lives. I also know how precious your child is to you and can tell you that staying out of unhealthy relationships like this one is VERY IMPORTANT to maintaining your relationship with your child now and when your child is older.

My father is abusive and jealous in the way you describe and he got my stepmother to the point where she was scared to help her son move because it would take too long and be "suspicious".

My stepbrother eventually stopped talking to her altogether because he couldn't stand my father's suspicious and aggressive behavior.

No man is worth losing your relationship with your child. I know you know this already, but might not yet be aware that this kind of jealous behavior can cause that to happen. I'm sorry to say that it can, and I know because I've seen it.
posted by the young rope-rider at 11:44 AM on April 11, 2013 [13 favorites]


Re: the emails

He managed the server and used them agaisnt me in the beginning

Holy shit. If someone had done that to me I would report him to HR and then take out a restraining order, not DATE HIM.
posted by MsMolly at 11:44 AM on April 11, 2013 [27 favorites]


He is grooming you into an abusive relationship.

Exactly this. Being jealous when he thinks you're with other guys is one thing...not great, but not uncommon. Being freakishly jealous when you're doing nothing more than having a social life outside of him is a MAJOR RED FLAG. I've had loved ones who fell into this. Hell, I've had loved ones who turned out to be abusers of this ilk. They started out as great, amazing, incredible guys, then slowly isolated their partners from their circle, became ridiculously obsessive and jealous. And then they became physically and sexually abusive.

All that stuff about lightening up around him, and his looks, he is putting you under his spell. Abusers have to have something to reel in their victims, don't they? He has been manipulating you from minute one.

There will be other hot guys. I repeat: There. Will. Be. Other. Hot. Guys.

Leave right now.

Oh, and my standard disclaimer: when you break it off, he will flip out, or he say you're devastating him, call you names, try to guilt and shame you. Don't buy it. Put your head down, get through it, and then cut off all contact. And change all your email and Facebook passwords.
posted by dry white toast at 11:45 AM on April 11, 2013 [8 favorites]


I am basically going to second everyones advice here. You need to get out quickly and safely. Please change passwords on everything and block if you must. Make sure you have his information if he does anything dangerous.

I am so sorry you are in this situation. I feel many people here are telling you the same thing so I don't want to pile on, but I encourage you to seek help to safely get out of this. Be sure that you friends know what is going on. Is there someone you can talk to about this? (Parents or some of your best friends?) Can they make sure you are safe and be a shoulder to lean on?

I think having someone in your corner can help with this process.
posted by Crystalinne at 11:47 AM on April 11, 2013 [4 favorites]


Also, on the "but he is so hot" front: I've said this here before, but sometimes when a person is depressed and feeling low-self-esteem-y, the fact that the person is Bad For You is what makes you see them as hot. Like, your unconscious says "I want to punish myself without admitting it, so I will read all these really subtle signals that show that this guy is Terrible, and then I will tell my conscious mind that he is so hot". Like, the story isn't "he is so hot, too bad he's Terrible"; it's "he is so hot because he is Terrible". Not that I'm saying that he is really a hideous troll, but very often that super-duper kind of chemistry comes not from the guy but from your unconscious responses to him.
posted by Frowner at 11:48 AM on April 11, 2013 [21 favorites]


Anyways - apart from his intensity he's really amazing. I can't help but light up when he's near by - but when he acts like this I just think he's fucking crazy.

You don't get to say someone's really awesome except for all those time they're really horrible. He's just horrible.
posted by no regrets, coyote at 11:48 AM on April 11, 2013 [3 favorites]


By the time I got to the part of your post where you mention his intensity, I was already primed to misread that as "insanity."

So let me join the RUN RUN RUN RUN AWAY chorus here.

The fact that he's been burned and still has feels about it is normal, but it's really not normal to take those feels out on people who haven't actually burned you. That's wrong and abusive is what.

So many flags here it's like the UN times a million. Run.
posted by rtha at 11:53 AM on April 11, 2013 [2 favorites]


He's really no like anyone I have ever met before

Yeah that figures.

I mean look at this alone: "Well it wouldn't bother you if there was some truth to it." Savor the meaning of these words one by one. Especially "bother you."
Here's what I'd answer him to that: "Well Mr. Flippancy McQuipperton, since you never can be quite sure about these things (can you now), here's where the builders left a hole for the door. Close it. From the outside."
posted by Namlit at 11:55 AM on April 11, 2013


Hey, when (hopefully) you change all your passwords, is there some way you can check your computer and make sure he hasn't put a keyboard logger on it? I swear, this guy is making ME paranoid. Please be well.
posted by Malla at 11:56 AM on April 11, 2013 [9 favorites]


This seems to be one of those instances where every single piece of advice is GET OUT NOW.

Here is the website for the Domestic Abuse Hotline, the number is 1-800-799-7233.

You may not be being abused yet, but they can certainly point you towards safely protecting your computer and self.
posted by annsunny at 11:57 AM on April 11, 2013 [3 favorites]


First of all - from a workstation that he doesn't have access to, like at the public library, change all your passwords and make all your accounts private.

Second, install Spybot and an anti-virus (AVG will do) and do full scans of your entire system, every day.

Install a browser like Chrome where you can do private browsing.

Now if it were me, I would back up my entire hard drive, reformat the disk, and reinstall my operating system from scratch, then selectively reupload the files I needed when I needed them.

I think you should have a brief consultation with a lawyer, then (on the lawyer's advice) inform HR at his workplace that he has abused his admin privileges.

I think you should create new social media identities, all of them private and without details he could use to identify you (no Foursquare, no geolocation on TwitMyFacePic), and gradually migrate to those. Facebook's privacy settings are so unreliable that I recommend you no longer use it.

Finally - he's so hot? Well, after he isolates you from your friends and family, and finagles you into a position of economic dependence on him perhaps by tampering with birth control or possibly getting from your current job through some bizarre antics or other, and you totally can't get away, and gotten you to change your appearance for the worse either by cutting your face or by hinting that he has a thermal underwear and coke-bottle glasses fetish - by the time he's accomplished all that, he won't be having sex with you anymore anyway. He'll be off assembling a harem of unsuspecting other women whose tastes he profiled by reading their private emails.

Even if you still find him hot at that point, it won't be you that gets the benefit.
posted by tel3path at 11:57 AM on April 11, 2013 [19 favorites]


very often that super-duper kind of chemistry comes not from the guy but from your unconscious responses to him.

Very often that super-duper kind of chemistry comes not from the guy but from the fact that he read your emails and shape-shifted into what he knows you want in a man.
posted by tel3path at 11:59 AM on April 11, 2013 [16 favorites]


Let me prune your question a little bit, to get to the root of the good and the bad:

The good:

When we met it was instant chemistry.
I can't help but light up when he's near by.
Did I mention how freakin' hot he is?

Isn't it wonderful, after your marriage breaks up, to find a person that you're really, really attracted to? There is nothing quite like the feeling of intense attraction. Once you've found it, it is really hard to give it up.

The bad:

The worst thing is his jealousy.
This weekend he freaked out on me saying "you'd rather spend time with your f**cking friends".
He always questions why I spend time with my best friends.
Before we even met he had access to my work emails and used them agaisnt me.
There is a BIG age gap (He's early 40's and I'm late 20's)
When he acts like this I just think he's fucking crazy.
I'm worried that I'm trying to compensate for my failed marriage.

You've only been dating for a few weeks, he's insisting on a committed, serious relationship, and this is what's going on (with his behavior and in your head)? End it. If he was relaxed, easy-going, understanding of your just being out of a marriage and so being patient with you before pushing for a serious relationship, then I'd say hey, wonderful, but this? End it. Seriously.
posted by davejay at 12:00 PM on April 11, 2013 [5 favorites]


Get out now. He's isolating you, clearly. DO NOT let him meet your child.
posted by SillyShepherd at 12:00 PM on April 11, 2013 [7 favorites]


Step 1: Run
Step 2: File a complaint at work about him abusing his privileges to monitor your email. Document everything.

Seriously, what? How terrible was your marriage that you think this guy who you describe as "fucking crazy" is "great?" You just started dating. Controlling and abusive behavior in a relationship never lessons over time. It just gets worse. Nip this thing in the bud, and take steps to protect yourself from potential retribution at work.
posted by snickerdoodle at 12:01 PM on April 11, 2013 [3 favorites]


He isn't a 'storybook boyfriend', he's an abusive jerk --- as pretty much every other person on here has said, this isn't just a red flag or two, it's an entire field of red flags, it's flashing red strobe lights and klaxons and bells and alarms all over the place: run as far and as fast as you possibly can, not just to save yourself but to also save your kid!

tel3path has it: change all your passwords from a computer he doesn't have access to, back up and reformate and reinstall and all the rest. Do not trust that your personal computer is clean! And yeah, inform your boss and HR about this dude: get everything on paper now. (And if you ever even lent him a key to your home, get those locks changed stat.)

What you have here isn't a hot boyfriend: he's an incipent abuser who is grooming you to accept his control-freak behavior. RUN.
posted by easily confused at 12:03 PM on April 11, 2013 [3 favorites]


a casual aquaintance had suggested his actions were only because he was so into me but I still had doubts.

Violating your privacy, insulting you, disrespecting you, and trying to alienate you from your friends are not behaviors that indicate someone is "so into you." They are behaviors that indicate someone is incapable of having a healthy relationship with you, regardless of how into you they are.
posted by Meg_Murry at 12:04 PM on April 11, 2013 [10 favorites]


What some people have implied should be stated explicitly: Very often "storybook boyfriend" traits are themselves red flags of an abusive relationship, at least when they're combined with pressuring you for intimacy or exclusivity too early and controlling behavior.

Please realize that the traits you're seeing as positives are manipulative behaviors designed to make you dependent on him.
posted by jaguar at 12:07 PM on April 11, 2013 [6 favorites]


Have a plan reading for dumping him, don't back out of it, for he will surely try to manipulate you into staying together.
posted by CrazyLemonade at 12:10 PM on April 11, 2013 [1 favorite]


Call that domestic abuse hotline. They may have some suggestions on how to get out of the relationship with the least amount of drama. This is scary stuff and I think you could use professional help dealing with it. He may not accept that you are breaking up with him.
posted by BoscosMom at 12:11 PM on April 11, 2013 [5 favorites]


I wasted three years of my life dating a jealous, emotionally abusive asshole who convinced me that none of my friends really liked me and that I was too horrid of a person to ever find another man if I broke up with him. He cheated on me dozens of times and convinced me that I deserved that kind of treatment. That was a decade ago and I still have baggage from the relationship. Please get out before this guy poisons you long-term.
posted by jabes at 12:15 PM on April 11, 2013 [2 favorites]


I agree you should call a domestic abuse hotline, they will give you pointers for backing out of this that you and the MeFi collective may not have thought of.
posted by tel3path at 12:16 PM on April 11, 2013


Also, good job realizing so quickly that there was a problem. These guys are masters at making you think you are crazy and paranoid and they are just showing you how much they love you. Don't believe it, get out.
posted by BoscosMom at 12:16 PM on April 11, 2013 [14 favorites]


Before we even met he had access to my work emails and I made the mistake of sending personal emails from that account. He managed the server and used them agaisnt me in the beginning, suggesting I was a sexual freak of somesort.

WTFing F? Your decision at this point to date him, rather than to turn him to HR for abusing his network privileges by reading other people's mail, confuses me greatly.

You are being used by a textbook PUA. The 'jealous' behavior you describe is him deliberately trying to isolate you so he has more control. The insults and weird comments are him negging you.

This guy is so far beyond creepy that there is a shortage of creep left for the other creeps.

Turn the guy in, get him fired, never think of him again.
posted by ook at 12:16 PM on April 11, 2013 [5 favorites]


To clarify: depending on what privileges he had, his reading your emails probably isn't an abuse of those privileges. In general, the company is allowed to read company emails.

However, trying to use the contents of those emails against you, especially sexual emails, especially while beginning a sexual relationship with you, is an abuse of those privileges.
posted by tel3path at 12:21 PM on April 11, 2013


There is an entire subset of relationship AskMes that boil down to: "My significant other is great but s/he is also an asshole." And the answer is always the same, which is that you can do better than spending your life with an asshole, because there is a whole world of other people out there who are both great and not assholes.
posted by MoonOrb at 12:25 PM on April 11, 2013 [1 favorite]


He is grooming you into an abusive relationship. Seconded.

You have one foot on the precipice of the abusive relationship rabbithole, and the other on a bananapeel.

The test was going away with your girlfriends for the weekend. If you can't get some space now, at the beginning of the relationship, oh, it gets so much worse as time goes on.

As I have said many times in these threads, please listen to the voices of experience here.
posted by vignettist at 12:26 PM on April 11, 2013 [2 favorites]


All of the above plus That whole thing with the email is just amazing. A sys Admin on a Mail server doesn't sit there looking at every email that flies by, he was going to extra efforts to read email in your account. If you weren't dating him it would be called stalking.
posted by Gungho at 12:36 PM on April 11, 2013 [2 favorites]


Hey, anonymous.

If you look over some recent threads you will see that unanimity on MetaFilter is pretty hard to come by. When Thatcher died, some people were all "Ding, dong, the witch is dead" and others were "Hey, not cool". Heck, when bin Laden was killed there were some people saying that we shouldn't actively be throwing parties to celebrate his death (they were wrong, but that's another matter). We aren't in full accord on kittens for crying out loud.

The responses here, however, have been unanimous. The only debate is if you should walk away or run away.

It doesn't matter how hot he is. Yes, the dating life is probably going to be tougher for you as a divorced mom. Sorry about that, but you owe it to yourself and you kid to stay away from controlling assholes (oh, and your ex sounds like a piece of work too. Anyone who would make those his parting words has proven that breaking up with them was the right call).
posted by It's Never Lurgi at 12:37 PM on April 11, 2013 [21 favorites]


He's really no like anyone I have ever met before.

Eh. Not sure I buy the never met anyone like him before.

I'm worried that I'm trying to compensate for my failed marriage (exes famous last words: you'll never be happy with anyone and you'll never find anyone...etc.)

So your ex-husband tried tried to scare you out of leaving or punish you for it. Sounds pretty controlling. Makes me wonder what else was going on. I can't image this was a one-off, isolated lashing out because he was hurt/upset.

Sounds like you're dating an intense, hot, motivated, financially secure version of your ex-husband. Same dude, better window dressing. It happens.

Common denominator: control issues, you. It happens. Lord knows anyone whose ever dated more than one asshole knows this happens.

So maybe think of leaving now as your "compensation" (though I'm not crazy about the term) for your marriage. Maybe you bail now because you've been there, done that, thank you very much. Maybe you give yourself a huge pat on the back because you left in a matter of weeks instead of months or years. Everything takes practice, including leaving abusive jerks with control issues the size of Texas. The more you do it, the better you'll get at it until one day you won't need to because abusive jerks with control issues the size of Texas just won't look good to you one little bit.

And of course, hotlines, therapy, supportive friends who don't romanticize abusive behavior can speed this whole process up quite a lot. Stay or don't stay, use them until you figure out what to do with everything you're seeing.
posted by space_cookie at 12:40 PM on April 11, 2013 [1 favorite]


Hot is a great reason to have sex with someone. It's a terrible reason to put up with someone who doesn't care when he hurts you

A million times this. Dear god, I wish I had listened to the lovely people who screamed this at me when I needed to hear it. Thank god those lovely people were available and nonjudgmental when I needed a safehouse in the middle of the night.
posted by crush-onastick at 12:43 PM on April 11, 2013 [3 favorites]


Also, did I mention how freakin' hot he is?

He's not hot enough. DTMFA.
posted by mibo at 12:44 PM on April 11, 2013 [1 favorite]


When a hot guy is really into you, he is happy that you are happy. You are happy enjoying time with your friends, so he is happy.
posted by desjardins at 12:55 PM on April 11, 2013 [5 favorites]


sense jealosy = run away
posted by couchdive at 12:57 PM on April 11, 2013


So, my ex boyfriend was amazingly hot. Like, so. so. hot. I'll never again date a man that attractive. But you know what? I am completely fine with that. You know why?

The hot guy abused me and basically ruined my life.

The great sex (which, by the way, went away - it became all about his pleasure, and he would actually lord it over me for days after giving me an orgasm, saying how lucky I was that he made me come) and having a handsome man by my side? It was so incredibly not worth it.

Oh my god, it was not worth it.

I can't even begin to describe what that man did to me. You can look at my previous comments if you want a little taste of what you're in for if you stay with this guy.

You deserve better. You know you do; that's why you wrote this question. Trust yourself.

The longer you stay with him, the harder it will be to leave, and the worse leaving will make you feel. Just an FYI.

Good on you for asking this question and for questioning this behavior. He's grooming you for abuse, as several people up in this thread have said. Don't let it happen. It will not be worth it in the end. I promise.

I would not wish abuse on my worst enemy. It was the worst thing that has ever happened to me, and my story is eerily similar to yours, which is why I'm being vehement.

If you do decide to stay:
- Set boundaries. Say things like "That hurt my feelings. Please don't say things like that again." and "Do not yell at me." "Do not curse at me." "I will not tolerate that kind of behavior."
- Enforce those boundaries. "You called me a lesbian again because I was spending time with my girlfriends. That is not acceptable. Please leave my house."
- Keep cultivating your hobbies. "No, today I am busy. I am going rock climbing/helping my kid with his homework/seeing Martha for drinks/knitting and watching tv alone."
- Stay connected to your friends. Do not lose your social support network.
- Stay financially independent

You have every right to give your love to someone who treats you with love and respect. You have every right to decide what type of treatment is acceptable to you and what type of treatment you will not have in your home.

You are worthy of love and respect.
posted by sockermom at 1:04 PM on April 11, 2013 [21 favorites]


Oh, dear God. No, please don't stay with this guy.
Really.
It will turn into a gigantic mess.

He's fully capable of putting you down and preventing you from ever having a good time. As a woman (and also a mother -- do you want your child around this man!), you will never truly be able to let your hair down around him. This is abusive behavior, and it looks like a precursor to even more horrific issues in the future.

Cut your losses and move on.
posted by orangutan at 1:10 PM on April 11, 2013 [1 favorite]


This one ends now, or it ends on the evening news. Your choice.

Yeah. I mean... I thought about saying this in my last comment and I didn't, but I think it needs to be said.

This relationship is going to end one of three ways:
1. You marry him and he abuses you relentlessly and you are miserable for the rest of your short time on the planet.
2. You leave after he has destroyed your self-esteem and your sense of self worth and your agency, and maybe after he has beat you enough to make you limp or you have false teeth. You have no money, you're older and a lot more broken, and your life gets really, really hard for a long time while you heal from being abused.
3. You get carried out the front door of your home on a stretcher or in a body bag, because he delivered you a nasty, brutal beating, probably for doing something like washing the dishes for too long or making meatloaf when he wanted chicken or for going out with your girlfriends and being 10 minutes late getting home.

I am not exaggerating. The earlier you leave an abuser, the safer you will be when you exit.

Guys like this aren't just sexy bad boys. They are like, actually dangerous, as in, your safety - your emotional safety and your physical safety - is in jeopardy.
posted by sockermom at 1:17 PM on April 11, 2013 [14 favorites]


Well, I think it's creepier than reading your stored email on the company server. (as if it needed to be creepier)

If he's the admin on the work network, the easiest way for him to look at your private facebook wall isn't to try to steal your password somehow. It would be to actively watch your computer session while you were logged in and using it.

I agree with the grooming for abuse remark 100%. Especially since he told you. Jealous guys snoop. Abusers snoop, tell you they're doing it, tell you they can continue doing it, and make it seem like your fault.

As an aside, though, it's good he doesn't work there anymore (I'm assuming). He should be fired from that position of having access to people's (any people's) personal information for abusing that necessary trust that goes along with that authority.
posted by ctmf at 1:22 PM on April 11, 2013 [3 favorites]


I get it - there can be something deeply intoxicating about a relationship where an abuser starts to exercise domination, especially when you're trying to bounce back from a failed relationship. It's like *this person is really into me!* *he's so strong and hot!* *I feel excited / flattered / grateful for his attention!*

Bit by bit, he will continue to exert more control over you, not just your time and your friends, but in your mind. It's a road that leads to a very very dark place, though the fireworks may make it seem exciting, especially at the beginning.

You should be able to get the type of attention that you want from a person who respects and honors your personal autonomy, independence, and ability to make choices about how you live your life.
posted by jasper411 at 1:28 PM on April 11, 2013 [2 favorites]


Honestly, when I first read this question I thought it was a joke or something - the thought of an actual person behaving the way this "hot" guy is behaving, just a few weeks in to a relationship, is hard to even comprehend. The only way this person sounds like a "storybook boyfriend" is that he almost seems too shitty to be real. But I do believe you - and I hope you'll believe everyone here saying that this guy represents an actual threat to both your well-being and that of your child.

Again: this guy isn't a good boyfriend, he isn't a mediocre boyfriend, or a boyfriend with some good points and bad points - he is a threat to you and your child.

And anonymous or not, I would also be careful about where you read this thread from. Does he have access to your home computer? If so, I'd be sure to do any escape preparations or future planning from somewhere else - say, a public library computer.

Good luck and be safe. There are better boyfriends out there for you.
posted by DingoMutt at 1:36 PM on April 11, 2013 [3 favorites]


(And goddammit, I'm a lesbian but if I were with someone who said I must be straight if I wanted to hang out with a guy friend, I would be so livid my face would spontaneously igniite. IGNITE. You might do well to figure out why you would allow someone to get away with making such comments to you in the first place. To say you deserve better is a miserable understatement.)
posted by DingoMutt at 1:40 PM on April 11, 2013 [6 favorites]


listen to your gut.

when he acts like this I just think he's fucking crazy.

this is your gut.

i think it is telling how you initially described him hot, motivated, financially secured, really into me and there was no mention of his character. i think you would be wise to bump character far up your list when you consider potential dates/bfs. a good-looking jerk is still a jerk. and, this guy might be dangerous to boot.
posted by wildflower at 1:56 PM on April 11, 2013 [4 favorites]


The 'jealous' behavior you describe is him deliberately trying to isolate you so he has more control.

A lot of people have said this, and I totally agree. I did want to note, however, that even if he isn't doing it on purpose, even if he's not a total PUA, even if it isn't a first step towards something more sinister, it is still a bad thing. Your partner should be pleased that you have a large, active social circle and support system, and if they express concern over time you spend with other people, it should be about concern for your welfare.
posted by davejay at 1:59 PM on April 11, 2013 [2 favorites]


Read The Gift of Fear now.

I'm recommending this book not because your boyfriend is a crazy stalker (although he's getting there), but because it illustrates clearly how abusers choose their victims. This is a textbook example:

He wanted a committed relationship and tho' I wasn't really down for that I knew if I said no I would miss out on the oppertunity to have a chance with him. So I did. He became really intense quickly, which at first was nice but now it's freaking me out.

Take care.
posted by clearlydemon at 2:05 PM on April 11, 2013 [3 favorites]


The other thing I wanted to mention is the fear and loneliness that come from a divorce. I totally understand why you are scared that you might not get too many more chances to have a hot, passionate relationship now that you're older than you were the last time you dated and now you have a kid and an ex...it is scary and lonely. I hear that. I think, though, that if one guy likes you then chances are that more guys will like you. If you're wrapped up in this guy you won't get to meet them.
posted by the young rope-rider at 2:11 PM on April 11, 2013 [11 favorites]


a casual acquaintance had suggested his actions were only because he was so into me

This is exactly what I was referring to in my above post. A jealous partner can be a big ego stroke. "You are so X that I just can't help my jealousy!" or "You are so X that it makes me crazy!" Where X = sexy/hot/amazing. You may be tempted to believe that his bad behaviour is a function of your awesomeness, when really, your awesomeness has nothing to do with his personality flaws. He is showing you who he is.

You aren't causing him to be a dick, he is doing it of his own accord. Go find someone who doesn't react to your hot/sexy/awesomeness by trying to control you.
posted by Shouraku at 3:44 PM on April 11, 2013 [4 favorites]


He's not the jealous type - he's the douchebag type. Please be very clear that this is not a nice guy or a great guy or any model of any kind of guy you should spend any significant time with.

Guys who you're supposed to be with won't put you down.

And, guys like this always have a 'crazy ex' or they've been 'burnt in the past'. This is a thing. Most of the time, they were the crazy one in the relationship.

You're just looking to have hot sex with a hot guy and feel nice about yourself - this is not the guy to do that with. Look elsewhere.
posted by heyjude at 3:53 PM on April 11, 2013 [2 favorites]


I hope what everyone else has already said has been enough to convince you, but if not - I beg you not to stay in this relationship. Not only for your own sake (and as a perfect stranger from the internet, I am terrified for you) but for your kid.

Right now, you're teaching your child that relationships like this are ok. You think you can shield them adult things, but the lessons you're trying to teach them aren't necessarily the ones they're learning. You don't want to live with the regret that comes from watching them repeat the same horrible patterns you unintentionally taught them and being powerless to stop it.

You have the power right now to make sure this kind of abusive cycle doesn't continue in your family. Protect yourself NOW and leave before it gets worse. Good luck, it won't be easy. But you must.
posted by Space Kitty at 3:58 PM on April 11, 2013 [6 favorites]


This man is a fucking psychopath. Even if you can't resist his hotttness, at least don't subject your child to him.
posted by cairdeas at 4:26 PM on April 11, 2013 [1 favorite]


I can't imagine I have much to add to the very good advice above, but I agree with the hive mind: out, now, fast, go. I dated a version of this guy, right down to the wildly inappropriate comments about my sexuality when I wanted to spend time with my friends. This is going nowhere good.

And unfortunately, you need to be prepared to let go of any mutual friends or acquaintances. It is very likely that he will make it unpleasant and difficult to break things off, to put things mildly. Abusers are awesome at stealing friends and turning people against you, so that you will think you need them. But the sooner you end things and totally cut off contact (that part is important), the better off you will be.
posted by bowtiesarecool at 4:32 PM on April 11, 2013 [2 favorites]


This is a thousand kinds of wrong. Get out of there.
posted by ead at 5:58 PM on April 11, 2013


GET. THE. FUCK. OUT!
posted by eq21 at 6:12 PM on April 11, 2013


Just in case people in this thread are being too subtle in their polite phrasings and coy suggestions, let me put it another way:

If you decide to go on even one more date with this guy, you need psychiatric help. No one with healthy self-esteem and a reasonable sense of self-preservation would continue to date him.

I'm not joking.
posted by IAmBroom at 6:57 PM on April 11, 2013 [10 favorites]


OP? If you want to know what happens when you get into a relationship with this really hot guy who is jealous because he is 'so into you'? Okay, I'll tell you.

At some point, you move in with him because it's the only way you get to see each other often enough, and hey, he loves you so much he wants you RIGHT THERE all the time. He'll fix the whole house so it's how you want it. He'll be the best present-buyer you've ever met. Mention the new Chanel perfume? Come home to find the biggest bottle gift-wrapped on your pillow. And it's not even your birthday! This dude is a keeper!

On the other hand, he seems angry a lot. One night, you'll offer to pick a male friend up from the airport, and he'll slam the door off its hinges. But he'll be really sorry afterwards, he was just stressed from work, here, have this handmade silver jewellery that suits you perfectly!

Life goes on. You're the proverbial frog in slowly-boiling water. The next minute, like a cut-to in a bad movie, you find yourself crying in the laundry with a towel stuffed in your mouth so his kids don't hear. You keep your cellphone on silent in case he hears a text come in and demands to know who it is. You feel slightly sick in the pit of your stomach every time you pull into the driveway from work.

You go out with his friends and are 'too slow' finishing a glass of wine at a restaurant. At the football game afterwards, he whispers insults in your ear about what a stupid fucking c*nt you are, and how much you embarrassed him in front of his friends, until you cry with your face turned away so nobody sees. Then he lets you walk home alone in the dark.

You mention getting changed before going out for a drink with some girlfriends. He accuses you of 'getting dressed up like a slut' to meet other men. Later that week, you're excited about going out to the work Christmas party for your new job. He's angry that partners are not invited. He drops you off, and as you walk away he winds down the window and says, 'By the way, your ass looks fucking huge in that dress'. You can't wait for the night to be over.

When you argue, he stays up all night drinking and seething. He comes into the spare room where you're trying to sleep before a huge day at work the next day, and deliberately wakes you by flashing the light on and off. At 1 am, 2 am, 3 am and 4 am. Until you're balled-up crying from terror that you won't be able to perform the next day, and begging him to stop.

One day you're in the bathroom getting ready to go out. He is angry, you've stopped trying to figure out why, you just know that he is. Next minute, he bursts into the room with the outdoor hose and sprays you into the corner with freezing water. Like a dog.

When you bring this up later, he'll say, 'But at least I never hit you!'.

One night, he holds you up against the wall by your throat, while his kids are watching tv in another room. You pack a bag and head to the cheapest hotel you can find. You live out of the hotel for 3 days, wearing the same clothes to work, because you're too scared to go home. You can't go and stay with friends: you no longer have any. Or at least, not any close ones. You've stopped socializing months ago, because you're scared of what your partner will do or say in front of them.

When you run out of money and leave the cheap hotel, you arrive home to all your personal possessions scattered across the driveway, wet and muddy.

Eventually, you leave. Only after your family stages an intervention. You have zero self-confidence for years. You spend thousands on psychiatrist appointments, anti-depressants, and an alcohol addiction. You cry on the floor in a shitty, semi-furnished apartment by yourself, too scared to date, too ashamed to reconnect with all the friends you abandoned to 'work on your relationship'.

Eventually, you get your life back. It takes years. Literally.

Every word of this is true. I've just edited out the worst bits.

(I apologize for the length.)
posted by Salamander at 8:03 PM on April 11, 2013 [97 favorites]


Wait a couple more months and see. If it turns out he's really not for you and you decide to dump him next year, there's probably only a 1 in 2 chance of murder-suicide! 50/50's not bad, right?

Look, time is a factor here. Maybe it seems like this is just the internet being its crazy hyperbolic DMTFA self, but when it comes to the lives of you and your daughter, just err on the side of super-duper caution. Every single additional week you keep this guy around is going to make it HARDER to break up with him, and potentially more violent.

Be safe, take precautions, and keep on fishin' in the ocean.
posted by iamleda at 8:12 PM on April 11, 2013 [1 favorite]


Some of the best sex I've ever had was with a woman who made me totally miserable.

Run.
posted by Ragged Richard at 8:19 PM on April 11, 2013 [1 favorite]


Hot? He will not look that hot when he is physically assaulting you and yes, that most likely will happen one day with this man.
posted by pakora1 at 8:35 PM on April 11, 2013 [1 favorite]


If Salamander's story (thank you so much for sharing that, Salamander) sounded far-fetched, I will just say that I could have written almost the exact same story, with only slightly different examples.

There are many women that have been through this kind of thing.

Don't join our club. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love y'all broads - really, the women I've met that are survivors of domestic violence are all amazing - but we are not looking for new members. You do not want to be in our ranks.
posted by sockermom at 8:42 PM on April 11, 2013 [12 favorites]


OMG, you're dating my ex. Get out. Get out NOW.

But, oh my, he was HOT.
posted by _paegan_ at 8:52 PM on April 11, 2013 [1 favorite]


If Salamander's story (thank you so much for sharing that, Salamander) sounded far-fetched, I will just say that I could have written almost the exact same story, with only slightly different examples.

So could I, sans kids.

This is not a club you want to join.
posted by Sara C. at 9:21 PM on April 11, 2013 [10 favorites]


Please, please listen to the people who are saying that MetaFilter rarely comes down unanimously on one side of a question.

Everybody who has posted a response here has said to get out. Leave this guy. He's dangerous. Get out. Follow the steps suggested above to protect yourself by changing passwords etc., and then end it.

Please. This guy is bad news. When I first read your question, my gut response was "Holy fuck, get out." When I realized from reading the comments that I'd missed the fact that you have kids? HOLY FUCK, PLEASE GET OUT NOW.
posted by Lexica at 9:29 PM on April 11, 2013 [4 favorites]


Here's something you may not have considered, abusers like this are experts at threatening what you love to gain control over you. He's already started trying to isolate you from your friends, just a few weeks in. So what is it you ultimately love the most that he could possibly use... That's right, your child. You're already making excuses for his behaviour, first he gets you to break a date with your girlfriends, pretty soon, he's breaking a window, next he's breaking your arm. Or your kids. How far do you want it to go? You want intensity, you got it.

This guy is giving you a gift by showing you exactly who he is this early on. The entire community here is united in trying to open your eyes to exactly where this could end up because you're blinded by what, what he looks like? He's hot? Dear god, I can tell you now, I've never seen him but I can tell you he's quite possibly one of the ugliest people I've ever heard described to me. I hope it doesn't take something truly tragic for you to see that too. Please please get out. You know this isn't normal or you wouldn't be asking. Trust your instincts.
posted by Jubey at 10:11 PM on April 11, 2013 [6 favorites]


There are worse things in this world than being alone or not satisfied with anyone else. There are worse things in this world than your ex being proven right. And this guy is pretty much the definition of those things.

A couple things you mentioned make me think you feel that not having a guy in your life would be the worse outcome, that you feel having a relationship is a sign of some kind of emotional success or achievement? I've seen that many times in many different women. That might be something to work on, possibly in therapy if you can afford it or find someone you click with as a therapist.

Because there's no valid reason to be with someone who shit-talks like this, who is trying to separate you from your friends, and who is trying to prey on your lack of self-esteem.

I'd also be concerned that his stalkery behavior, as already manifested, would result in some blowback. Please enlist some of your friends in helping you with this, and take necessary legal steps if required, for your safety. I'm concerned about his reaction. And concerned for your welfare.
posted by emcat8 at 11:26 PM on April 11, 2013 [4 favorites]


Early Warning Signs of Domestic Violence. This isn't a complete list. Another common early signal of an abuser is: Fast-moving relationship – when a partner who comes on very strong, is an extreme “smooth talker” and wants make major commitments very early in the relationship. (See here, among many other references.) You may also want to look at Are You Dating an Abuser? that includes a list of "Very Early Warning Signs."

These sorts of articles advise that if you see even one or two of these behaviors, you may be at risk, and just from what you've written here, it's already waaaaay past one or two. These are all very alarming signs:

Rushing the relationship

Jealous of your friends

Controlling behavior

Calling you names

Always has to be right

(Cyber)Stalking

Moving toward isolating you from others

You say about yourself, "So now I'm left incredibly paranoid even though I am not doing anything wrong. I even cut all ties to men I was potentially interested in" which is already beginning to point to a profile of an abused partner. From the first link, "Does your partner get angry so easily that you feel like you're 'walking on eggshells'?"

Comments about being hurt by his ex suggest that "The Law of Blame" (from the Are You Dating an Abuser? link) is probably at work here, too:
Very Early Warning Sign #1: A Blamer
Avoid anyone who blames his negative feelings and bad luck on someone else. Special care is necessary here, as blamers can be really seductive in dating. Their blame of others can make you look great by comparison:

"You're so smart, sensitive, caring, and loving, not like that bitch I used to go out with."

"Why couldn't I have met you before that self-centered, greedy, woman I used to date?"

"You're so calm and together, and she was so crazy and paranoid."

Hearing this kind of thing might make you think that all he really needs is the understanding and love of a good woman to change his luck. This disastrous assumption flies in the face of the Law of Blame.

The Law of Blame: It eventually goes to the closest person.

When you become the closest person to him, the blame will certainly turn on you.

Blamers can be dangerous to love because they usually suffer from victim identity. Feeling like victims, they see themselves as justified in whatever retaliation they enact and whatever compensation they take. Blamers will certainly cause pain for you if you come to love one.

The Law of Blame: It eventually goes to the closest person.

When you become the closest person to him, the blame will certainly turn on you.
And one more link (of many, many, many that can be helpful): See "Relationship Red Flags" here. I see at least 10 positives there, just from the very, very little you've told us, and after only a few weeks!

I very strongly agree with everyone here that this relationship is very dangerous, and you should get out while you can.

(I'll also endorse the earlier recommendation to read "The Gift of Fear," which I think can be helpful for everyone, not just those who suspect they may have someone dangerous or abusive in their lives.)
posted by taz at 2:28 AM on April 12, 2013 [19 favorites]


good on you for listening to your instincts to seek feedback. Do you have any older woman friends? Because that (aside from therapy) might also be a great way to go to get more, non-internet feedback.

also, the best sex I had was with a guy who ended up stealing money from me for heroin for himself and his buddies, and after I broke up with him? He raped me. Of course, that wasn't sexy at all.

I wish that great sex were a rubric by which to judge the healthiness of relationships; that would be so nice. Unfortunately, at least for me, and it sounds like for you, OP, some of the things that make sex AMAZING can also mean DANGER DANGER DANGER
posted by angrycat at 5:09 AM on April 12, 2013


I have one more thing to add: (not if, but) WHEN you break up with this guy, and have done all the things outlined by tel3path and others to protect yourself and your child from this monster, and you are moving on with your life and re-entering the dating scene (actually scratch that, you need to take a break from dating and focus on yourself...you just got divorced!), YOU MUST educate yourself to become keenly aware of potential abusers. This is not optional. The fact that you have even considered dating this guy in the first place is a huge red flag of your very own.

I have a gut feeling that your ex husband was abusive. Perhaps not on the level of this guy, but if his parting words are any indication, he probably had abusive tendencies.

Abuse is a cyclical, and as abused women, it's all too easy to slip back into an abusive relationship because our views of what is normal are so fucking skewed and warped. And the next abusive guy who comes around most likely won't be shitting red flags like a rabbit and speaking in klaxon sirens. He'll be seductive and subtle, and before you know it, you're in year 3 of a relationship where you no longer have friends of your own, and where it's considered normal behavior to be pushed down a flight of stairs in public. Like Salamander, I speak from experience here. GET. YOURSELF. IN. THERAPY. NOW!!!! Stop the cycle, and please protect yourself.

MeMail me if you'd like to talk.
posted by Gonestarfishing at 6:46 AM on April 12, 2013 [8 favorites]


He wanted a committed relationship and tho' I wasn't really down for that I knew if I said no I would miss out on the oppertunity to have a chance with him. So I did. He became really intense quickly, which at first was nice but now it's freaking me out. I just got rid of a husband, I don't want another!!

You know, even if this were just a run-of-the-mill relationship (it's not) and the person you're seeing were just an average, decent guy (he's not), this right here would still indicate that this is not the right relationship for you. Relationships shouldn't have anything in common with the limited-time only offer at the end of an infomercial - there shouldn't be a sense that you need to Act Now when you aren't really feeling it. Part of being in the "right" relationship should be that it is occurring at the right time in your life, at the pace you want and need.

Your instincts here are good, and you don't need this other person running roughshod over what you want. It makes perfect sense - and will probably do you a world of good - to have some time to yourself before becoming involved with a new partner. Good lord, of COURSE you don't want another husband right after ridding yourself of the last one!

Sending lots of good thoughts your way.
posted by DingoMutt at 7:22 AM on April 12, 2013 [3 favorites]


Run, don't walk, away from this guy. My ex-husband started out exactly the same way -- super into me, wanted a serious relationship immediately, then started with the anger about my spending time with friends, accused me of cheating on him with everyone I so much as said hello to, spied on my emails, blew up at me for stupid little things (like, one afternoon I wanted to go to the local library and get a book. The fact that I wanted to leave the house, and his presence, for a total of maybe 45 minutes? That sent him into a rage that ended with him slamming me into a wall, screaming in my face, and, when I finally did manage to get out of the house, throwing things from the third-story window at me. Because I wanted to go to the LIBRARY.)

So, yeah, these are all bad signs, big red flags that you should pay attention to, and get away from him.
posted by sarcasticah at 12:01 PM on April 12, 2013 [4 favorites]


Hi. I was you 3.5 years ago after my own failed marriage.
Right about now, I was finding out I was also accidentally pregnant with 'hot guy's child. Today, after 1.5 years of therapy, medication and therapy for my kids we are slowly picking up the pieces of the life that the 'hot guy' smashed to bits. Note I said slowly, it'll be along time before men cease to terrify me and (if ever again) I trust a man with my children. Its been a long rough haul, and he's still every bit as raging, scary, invading and jealous as he always was. Please, please don't go there.
You can send me a message anytime if you need someone to hash it out with, I've been there, I know.
posted by tenaciousmoon at 12:24 PM on April 12, 2013 [2 favorites]


He managed the server and used them agaisnt me in the beginning

This is not someone to even start dating!

Everything tel3path said, but also: when you are at the library set up a new email account with a new password. When you change the passwords on your other accounts, change the email address that is used when someone has "forgotten" your password.

On making sure your own computer is clean, I think it's important for you to understand why people feel that's important -- it's because it's possible he may be able to see everything you do with it. Even though you asked this anonymously, if you did this from a computer he had access to, it's possible that he knows you asked this question. He might be angry about that. Do not meet him alone anywhere, or at all if you can help it.

Email all your personal and professional contacts who might possibly think an email from you@oldcompany may possibly be anything you sent. Let them know in no uncertain terms that this is no longer your account, and any email they receive from it is not from you.

Looks like people are suggesting that you contact a domestic violence hotline and a lawyer, do your searches for those at the library as well.

I know if I end it or say something to that effect he'll just leave and I might miss my chance

Miss your chance at what, anon? A new relationship? It's in his best interest to convince you that he's your only chance, it's in his best interest to subtly say things that will make you doubt that you have other options. There will be plenty more chances for relationships that won't involve a bunch of mefites telling you to call a domestic violence hotline.

Change your passwords first, then DTMFA, give yourself a few weeks, and reestablish contact with some of those men you are interested in.
posted by yohko at 5:26 PM on April 12, 2013 [10 favorites]


Also, you might want to get new banking and credit card numbers, just in case.

And change the locks even if you haven't lent him a key.
posted by yohko at 5:43 PM on April 12, 2013 [4 favorites]


Honey, RUN!

And watch your back when you do, because I have a really bad feeling that this guy could be your new stalker. Be careful, and be careful with your child. Somebody like this is NOT RIGHT in the head.

After the dust settles, you need to talk with someone about why you keep picking guys that are not good for you. Forget hot and try nice.
posted by BlueHorse at 11:35 PM on April 12, 2013


In case you're thinking 'What would these 150 people on the internet really know about how about how things are with this guy,' you have given us the following facts:

a) he abused his position at your workplace by snooping on your email (and possibly hacking your Facebook) before you started dating
b) he told you he snooped (to make sure you knew he had that power and to make you wonder)
c) he has sworn at you when you have wanted to see your friends.

This is all we need to know. Anything kind or loving he has done is outweighed by this.

"So now I'm left incredibly paranoid even though I am not doing anything wrong. I even cut all ties to men I was potentially interested in."

This is the effect his behaviour will have. It is the effect he wants it to have. It's called being controlling.

If you're thinking it may be something you can manage, I'm sorry, you are wrong. Look at the stories of the people who've posted here and believe them. They are here to tell you if you stand in front of a moving truck you're going to get hit. You don't need to find out for yourself. You don't need to go any further with this one, don't need to look any deeper. You don't need to get involved with his pity parties (I'm sure he has them - 'My ex was so crazy and mean,' etc). You don't need to try harder. Your feelings are right. You deserve better and you will find it. Turn around and walk away. Block his number, his email. Tell people. Get support. Be prepared in case he does become a stalker.

Stay safe.
posted by inkypinky at 12:19 AM on April 13, 2013 [4 favorites]


You know that him looking through your work email is probably a crime, right? Like an actual, no-joke, you could go to jail for this crime.

Get the fuck out. Right now. This guy is abusive and he sounds insane. Also be prepared to go to your supervisors about him because I can guarantee you he will continue to go through your emails and use information against you after you break up.

Once more, with feeling. Get the fuck out.
posted by to sir with millipedes at 7:45 AM on April 13, 2013 [5 favorites]


Also recommending this free ebook Escaping Control & Abuse: How to Get Out of a Bad Relationship & Recover from Assault by cartoonist and writer Kaz Cooke. (Not gimmicky, she's the real deal. Delivers the facts with warmth and humour.)
posted by inkypinky at 10:10 PM on April 14, 2013


About the computer thing: 10 years ago it was common for IT administrators to have access to everyones email, but nowadays the default settings should DENY system administrators read access to all mailboxes - it's bad governance and they don't need to read your email to manage the server.

After you have dumped him, it would be good to contact HR in your old company to make them aware of this. If he could read your emails he can read the HR directors (and he is probably getting your facebook updates by reading the FB notifications from someone else's inbox)
posted by Lanark at 3:00 PM on April 16, 2013 [1 favorite]


Not read the other comments, just to say, he fits the perfect profile of a wife-beater type abuser - their victims always go 'but they were so charming' 'he was perfect, until it all came out' - lights couldn't burn moths if they didn't attract them irresistably.

You owe it to your kid to put them first, because you're all they have to look after them, so regardless of other stuff, you shouldn't be seeing him that often or let him make decisions over whether you move in. I'm not kidding, your child will pick up on the stress you feel etc, but because they don't have the words to articulate it, they will just suffer it unable to express it. Sorry to be harsh. Most people in britain would not introduce a person to their child before the relationship had lasted between six months and two years, depending on their judgement, so you can not even consider living together or marriage within that time frame, because you cannot say yes/no because you do not have the right to do so until you are certain that person is excellent for your child.

I'm 40. Forty year olds know a hell of a lot about life twenty year olds don't. Him tricking, cornering or controlling you is as easy as you doing it to a ten year old.
posted by maiamaia at 4:38 PM on April 16, 2013 [1 favorite]


Oh, and there is nothing, absolutely nothing, wrong or immoral or stupid with being sexually overwhelmed or attracted to someone - no guilt trips, it's part of life's fun. Don't give yourself any of this 'i shouldn't have fallen in lust with him' etc after this - there's a whole subtext in our culture about 'evil sex leading people astray' which is toxic. People make mistakes for different reasons, that doesn't make the reason itself in any way dangerous/evil/suspect, just means you should keep the brain switched on at the same time a bit, caution.
posted by maiamaia at 4:41 PM on April 16, 2013 [4 favorites]


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