How can I stop inadvertent aping/mimicry of others?
April 8, 2013 6:03 PM   Subscribe

Throughout my whole life, I've had a problem with mimicry. Most of the time, I can catch myself and nip it in the bud. Sometimes I can't, and it affects my interactions with other people.

A more in-depth explanation of my mimicry:

When I've watched too much of a television show within a short amount of time, I find myself speaking like the people on that show. More often than not, it is the characters with which I empathize that I most emulate.

I love to write. More as a hobby than anything else. If I am reading an author with a very distinctive voice, I may find some of their style creeping in.

I work in customer service (a call center). I now am in a managerial role, so it happens less often now; however, it used to happen quite often when a customer would call me. Within the first few seconds of the call, I would hear and mimic my customer's accent and rate of speech. This was the only thing my mimicry consistently helped me with.

The worst part is with my husband, and this is the main reason I'm asking for help. I have a very big problem with making faces at him when we are talking. More specifically, if we are arguing, and he has his anger face on, I will make anger face back at him. This, of course, causes the argument to escalate. When he begins to raise his voice, I do the same. In the other instances I mentioned above, I can more easily trick myself out of doing this, but I can't seem to do it with him when we are arguing.

I do not know why I do this. I do not have problems forming opinions or expressing myself. I just sound like other people when I do (if I don't keep an eye on myself). The only possible explanation I have is that when I was very young, my father used to get angry at me when I would speak in a southern accent. My father was from Georgia, but had taken great pains to have as little of an accent as possible. Also, I was not the most social of children.


Any help is appreciated.
posted by nohaybanda to Human Relations (23 answers total) 14 users marked this as a favorite
 
I do this too to an extent with accents. I will mimic words or anything that catches my attention and this might seem like vague advice but the key is simply to be more mindful when you are conversing with people. Keeping an eye on yourself, as you put it, you just have to do that all the time. Just be mindful of what you are doing, what expressions you are making, your voice, etc.
posted by fromageball at 6:13 PM on April 8, 2013


I think everyone does this to a degree. I just try to notice when I'm doing it and then go to the washroom or something to get myself some privacy and remind myself to be me.
posted by windykites at 6:13 PM on April 8, 2013 [1 favorite]


There's a lot of psychology research out there on mimicry and how it relates to building affiliation; essentially, when we want to build rapport, or not be excluded, we mimic. And we are more likely to mimic when we want greater affiliation with an individual.

I have no idea why you mimic others, nor am I a psychologist...

But maybe you could think of ways to use words, or verbal interaction, to build a connection with people, or to feel comfortable and in-sync with them. So, using more explicit communication as a relational goal...?
posted by vivid postcard at 6:21 PM on April 8, 2013 [1 favorite]


Also, anecdata, but: I have a friend who did this frequently in his teens and early twenties (in addition to compulsive lying). He had some unaddressed anxiety/insecurity issues. Once he addressed them, the mimicry (and lying) really toned down.
posted by vivid postcard at 6:29 PM on April 8, 2013 [3 favorites]


When he shows his anger face, do you mean you show your own anger face back -- or do you mimic his anger face and show that back?
Anger is a superhot atmosphere, and I don't have the answers. But the answer to this question seems important.
posted by LonnieK at 6:30 PM on April 8, 2013


Put a rubber band around your wrist. Snap it every time you catch yourself doing this. And then apologize. Right there, right then:
"Hold on a second. [deep breath] I'm sorry, I was doing that mimicking thing again. I'm sorry, I'm really trying not to do that. Can we start over?"

People can be remarkably forgiving when you're trying to better yourself.
posted by Etrigan at 6:41 PM on April 8, 2013 [1 favorite]


Start making a mental note of what triggers mimicry for you. Does it happen when you are trying to negotiate an interaction with someone? (Sounds like it.) Do you do it when you perceive that someone else has an attribute or mannerism that you feel you need to adopt to be better than who you are to begin with? (Some people who emulate fictional characters can certainly attest to that.)

Mimicry is an adaptation and I'd argue one that's designed to alleviate stress and anxiety over feeling inadequate. Who in your life has insisted you mimic them in order to be liked, loved, or accepted? Seek ways to be comfortable in your own skin so your subconscious no longer feels the need to adapt and alter a scenario through mimicry.
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 6:55 PM on April 8, 2013 [1 favorite]


if we are arguing, and he has his anger face on, I will make anger face back at him. This, of course, causes the argument to escalate. When he begins to raise his voice, I do the same. In the other instances I mentioned above, I can more easily trick myself out of doing this, but I can't seem to do it with him when we are arguing.

Are you putting the onus entirely on yourself to not raise your voice and look angry when you and your husband are arguing? When he is in fact doing exactly the same thing? That doesn't seem like a very fair or balanced approach to the problem.

If this is the main reason you're asking for help, I would respectfully suggest that you worry less about the mimicry and more about sitting down with your husband and figuring out ways that you can identify when you're doing the cycle-of-escalation thing, and ways you can catch it and nip it in the bud. This is something you should do as a team, not something that should be put on you alone to be responsible for.
posted by Broseph at 7:03 PM on April 8, 2013 [6 favorites]


Has your husband noticed this habit? Has anyone else ever pointed it out to you? Is it possible that you are just hyper-focused on this one thing and no one else is even noticing?

I used to have anxiety issues where I would become overly self-aware of something that I was doing and then become certain that others noticed it as well. Turns out, most people are pretty self-centered and don't notice you when you think you are freaky.

We all have our quirks. Unless someone is pointing them out to you, then I would focus on other aspects of your life.

As for your husband's angry face, I would give that right back at him as well. It might be a good idea to talk to him during a calm moment and agree that he should go for a walk or go play golf when his angry face appears, to give himself the chance to cool down before talking to you.
posted by myselfasme at 7:06 PM on April 8, 2013 [1 favorite]


My daughter has a hard time reading faces, and finds looking directly at people too intense sometimes, and so we learned that going for a walk or a drive is better if we have something difficult to discuss - so she doesn't read my face as being angry when I'm not. Maybe, until you figure out what else works for you, change how you position yourselves in relation to each other.
posted by peagood at 7:10 PM on April 8, 2013 [3 favorites]


Response by poster: LonnieK, I mean that I normally mimic his anger face back at him. Not just making an angry face of my own back at him. Basically, he furrows his brow and grits his teeth when angry. These aren't things I normally do to express anger.

vivid_postcard, you may be hitting on something, too. I had some compulsive lying issues when I was a lot younger (until I was about 17; I'm nearly 29 now). It was usually minor stuff, and they definitely were "trying to fit in" sort of lies.

Etrigan, I really like your rubber band idea. I might implement this as soon as tomorrow!

myselfasme, Yeah. My husband has noticed it, and it's a point of contention. Nobody else really seems to notice it. Then again, he's had plenty of time to notice it. We've been together nearly 10 years now.

Thanks for the feedback so far. Please, keep the ideas coming.
posted by nohaybanda at 7:14 PM on April 8, 2013


Practice being yourself.

Talk to yourself expressively in a mirror or a webcam that displays on your own screen. Read to yourself (a book, a play script, a newspaper, anything) and make your own faces at yourself. Practice making expressions over and over. Repeat conversations you had earlier in the day, over and over. Watch your face and mouth and pay attention to your demeanor. Really learn and get comfortable with what your own speaking style feels like. Eventually, when you start slipping out of your own style and into someone else's, it'll feel more foreign and you'll be able to stop yourself more easily.
posted by erst at 7:53 PM on April 8, 2013 [1 favorite]


Have you ever thought you might have Asperger's? My boyfriend has it, and while he doesn't mimic facial expressions, he does have echolalia. He repeats the last couple of words you say. (I try to end my sentences with something weird or outrageous, just to entertain myself.)
posted by jenh526 at 8:39 PM on April 8, 2013 [2 favorites]


Best answer: Maybe this is off-base but I think being a writer may be the cause of this phenomenon. I write too and very often find myself doing exactly what you are describing. If Friend comes to visit, the next week I'll talk (and, somehow, *think*) like Friend. If I watch too much Dr. Who, I notice myself taking on the Doctor's manic energy. Books are even worse, because the voice is fed straight into my brain. So this is a slapped together thesis, but maybe what you're doing is "writing" dialogue for these people and then slipping into it subconsciously.
posted by deathpanels at 8:49 PM on April 8, 2013 [2 favorites]


The onus is on your husband not to make an angry face and use that tone of voice. Of course you mirror him, that's natural and instinctive and everyone does it to some extent.
posted by amaire at 10:03 PM on April 8, 2013


Mimicry (often called "mirroring") is pretty natural and normal behavior in interpersonal interactions, and more often than not, it creates positive rapport between you and that other person and subconsciously makes them more comfortable and trusting of you. Obviously this isn't the case during arguments with your husband, but as others have mentioned, it isn't so much an issue with your mimicking as it is an issue of misalignment in your overall communication and arguing styles. Rather than worrying about your mirroring, both of you ought to focus on improving the way you communicate with one another in terms of expressing disapproval or disagreement, because the problem is in no way entirely on you.

But again, I highly doubt your mirroring is as much of a problem as you perceive it to be, because it's a pretty normal - and positive - component of human interaction, and unless you're straight-up repeating others word-for-word constantly or dramatically altering your speech or demeanor mid-interaction, people don't usually notice these things.
posted by slightlyamused at 4:50 AM on April 9, 2013


I do this too! Not the angry part, but I tend to pick up other people's accents and phraseology. (I am also super-non-poker-faced and it's pretty obvious when I'm excited, upset, etc. Not sure if that's related, but I mention it in case it is and it's something that applies to you.)

I don't think it's a bad or rare thing, but when I start to feel like I'm losing my self, it helps me to take advantage of opportunities where I have nothing to mimic: making outgoing phone calls, going shopping and actually asking questions, or just rehearsing by myself.

With your husband, can you take a short break whenever you feel yourself slipping into this? Lots of people need a bit of time to collect their thoughts before they can discuss touchy issues. I would mention this before your next argument, and then remind him of it when/if you do take a break, so he doesn't feel like you're stonewalling him.
posted by Metroid Baby at 4:55 AM on April 9, 2013


Maybe you could identify real-world person who exudes calm in a non-irritating way. If you lock on to an image of that person in your mind's eye, that would give your mimicry neurons something to emulate. This might be easier than just trying not to emulate your husband's facial expressions.

BTW in Oliver Sack's "The Man Who Mistook His Wife For a Hat", on of the Tourette's sufferers has an extreme problem with involuntary mimicry. Not that this helps you.
posted by Grunyon at 5:24 AM on April 9, 2013 [2 favorites]


I think this is really common among all kinds of artists, because creativity is a drawing-in and mixing-up and birthing-out of the universe... Part of being able to reconstruct new things from disparate parts is knowing those parts, and our brains do that best by trying things on as it were. Still, I do this too and even if you don't pathologize it I know it can be problematic at times. This sounds sort of counter-intuitive, but sometimes when I find myself doing it I try to switch myself over to "mimicking" a very specific core personality that I've constructed over the years instead. Funny how you would have to think of acting from your core personality as mimicking, but sometimes for those of us in whom this is deeply ingrained the transference from one thing to another is easier than letting go of the mechanism(?).
posted by SinAesthetic at 6:28 AM on April 9, 2013 [1 favorite]


Most actors are very talented mimics. Have you thought of taking an acting class? You learn self-awareness of how you are projecting yourself to others, you will learn how to observe yourself and become aware of your mimicry. Who knows, it might be something you turn into a great pastime! (One of my life-long strategies for dealing with things that bother me is to engage more thoroughly in them).
posted by nanook at 7:58 AM on April 9, 2013 [1 favorite]


As a trick, you might find that mimicking people deliberately (in an appropriate environment of course) will make it easier to stop at other times. It's an animal training trick: putting an undesirable behaviour on a cue can help to extinguish it when it's not cued.
posted by emilyw at 9:51 AM on April 9, 2013


I agree with deathpanels, SinAesthetic, and nanook; this is preeminent among novelist's gifts, and very enviable not for that alone, but I sympathize with your desire to get it under better control.

BTW in Oliver Sack's "The Man Who Mistook His Wife For a Hat", on of the Tourette's sufferers has an extreme problem with involuntary mimicry. Not that this helps you.

I was going to bring up Sacks too, Grunyon, but I was thinking of the story he told of seeing a woman on the sidewalk step out of the stream of pedestrians and begin to gesticulate and work her face very strangely, and it dawned on him that she was mimicking in turn each person who had passed by her going in the opposite direction-- apparently compulsively.

Tracy Chapman told Terry Gross that she refined her great talent by imitating people to entertain her mother hour after hour, then offhandedly mentioned that this all began right after her father unexpectedly died at a young age, and I had to wonder how often her father strutted across that tiny stage, and whether she might have been keeping him alive for both her mother and her.

JM Barrie's mother took to her bed for a year after his older brother died, and got up again only after Barrie had made a thorough reconstruction of his brother's speech and mannerisms, and went into her bedroom one day whistling exactly as his brother used to do, but this may be something of a cautionary tale, considering that Barrie didn't grow an inch thereafter (he was twelve) and did not ever have sex, as far as we know.

I'm sure you've heard about mirror neurons.
posted by jamjam at 10:22 AM on April 9, 2013 [1 favorite]


Response by poster: Again, I appreciate all the feedback that was provided. It was hard to mark any one entry as the best, since nearly everything was very helpful.

Thankfully, no arguments have occured between the husband and I, so I have had no reason to try to mimic the new, "calm" personality that I am working on. I'll just have to see how everything goes.

I am happy to hear this is a relatively common behavior, and had not heard about mirror neutrons! That was pretty nifty to get to read about.

I may end up trying out acting or improv for fun and see how that works out, too.
posted by nohaybanda at 2:49 PM on April 11, 2013


« Older Book recommendation for cycling nutrition   |   Small business: Merchant accounts? Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.