Looking for advice on how to remain friends with ex
April 8, 2013 6:10 AM Subscribe
What might I do or not do in order to help us move from relationship to friendship?
Having had a quick seach around these fertile pastures, most questions relating to friendship with the ex seem to want to know how it can be avoided. I am asking the opposite.
We recently ended our year-and-a-bit relationship, which was largely my doing although there was a mutual understanding that despite the many positives it wasn't going to work out. I'm very sad of course, but I think because it's something I'd been considering for a while I've had more time to accept and adjust to it. I believe she is deeply upset.
We have a few close mutual friends and live in the same corner of London. She actually has a really nice wider circle of friends who I've got to know, and I'd like (for selfish reasons I'm sure) to stay part of that too*. She has a record of staying friends with exes that haven't behaved badly towards her. I only really have one, and she lives in another country but we get on well enough.
My question is about the things I should or shouldn't do in order to give this every chance of working as a friendship of some sort. I know we'll both need time and space but I want to try to learn from other people's experiences in order to avoid doing anything - especially things I can't foresee at the moment - that might damage future friendship at this fragile stage.
Thanks all - much appreciated.
*As this might draw some attention I should add that I would would never push it if she wasn't comfortable with it.
Having had a quick seach around these fertile pastures, most questions relating to friendship with the ex seem to want to know how it can be avoided. I am asking the opposite.
We recently ended our year-and-a-bit relationship, which was largely my doing although there was a mutual understanding that despite the many positives it wasn't going to work out. I'm very sad of course, but I think because it's something I'd been considering for a while I've had more time to accept and adjust to it. I believe she is deeply upset.
We have a few close mutual friends and live in the same corner of London. She actually has a really nice wider circle of friends who I've got to know, and I'd like (for selfish reasons I'm sure) to stay part of that too*. She has a record of staying friends with exes that haven't behaved badly towards her. I only really have one, and she lives in another country but we get on well enough.
My question is about the things I should or shouldn't do in order to give this every chance of working as a friendship of some sort. I know we'll both need time and space but I want to try to learn from other people's experiences in order to avoid doing anything - especially things I can't foresee at the moment - that might damage future friendship at this fragile stage.
Thanks all - much appreciated.
*As this might draw some attention I should add that I would would never push it if she wasn't comfortable with it.
The smoothest dating-to-friends transition I made actually breaks the "no contact until you're ready" rule (because I'm CRAZY), but I can still offer some advice - honest communication about your boundaries, and respect for the other person's boundaries, is key. I was the dump-ee in that instance, and I spoke up when he was being way too gushy in my presence when he got a new girlfriend ("dude, I really am not ready to hear how awesome she is") and he cut that out in my presence. We had another similar conversation after she turned up unannounced to a movie that a bunch of us were going to (I'm usually quite awkward around friends' new partners the first couple times and just like a heads-up that they're going to be there), and he similarly started amending his behavior then too. As for me, a couple years later, he had a talk with me when I was doing something kind of funky that was making him uncomfortable, and I cut that shit out.
That was all ten years ago, and not only is he one of my best friends on the planet, he is still with that same "new" girlfriend, I am totally cool with her, and he and I feel so much like brother and sister that we actually both feel a little bit creeped out when we remember "oh, wait, yeah, we actually dated at one time. weird."
So, yeah, open communication about boundaries, and respect for the others' boundaries, can help a lot.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:31 AM on April 8, 2013 [2 favorites]
That was all ten years ago, and not only is he one of my best friends on the planet, he is still with that same "new" girlfriend, I am totally cool with her, and he and I feel so much like brother and sister that we actually both feel a little bit creeped out when we remember "oh, wait, yeah, we actually dated at one time. weird."
So, yeah, open communication about boundaries, and respect for the others' boundaries, can help a lot.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:31 AM on April 8, 2013 [2 favorites]
Initial period of no contact immediately post-breakup, then you can drift back into a friendly acquaintanceship that could turn into friendship with her/her friends.
If you've established contact with her friends outside the relationship, maybe one-on-one socializations with them? You can initiate those. But big group things, you'll need to be the one invited for a while.
posted by RainyJay at 6:32 AM on April 8, 2013 [4 favorites]
If you've established contact with her friends outside the relationship, maybe one-on-one socializations with them? You can initiate those. But big group things, you'll need to be the one invited for a while.
posted by RainyJay at 6:32 AM on April 8, 2013 [4 favorites]
You really do need a break from seeing each other so both of you can get over the relationship and move on. The biggest risk in going straight to friends is that you're in the same habits as you were before the breakup and it takes longer to move on, thus preventing both of you from finding a new partner. The way to avoid this is to take a temporary break. Your responsibility, as the initiator, is to let your ex know that you would like to be friends eventually, but you know it is smarter to take a break before being friends again, and to ask her to contact you when she's recovered from the breakup and ready to be friends again. Then you just steer clear of her. Maintain relationships with her friends if you like, but that really is selfish since it's bound to get back to her and slow her healing process.
posted by DoubleLune at 7:22 AM on April 8, 2013
posted by DoubleLune at 7:22 AM on April 8, 2013
I think you answered your own question.
There is time and space needed here. There are no "life hacks" to get around that.
Most especially if the relationship ended because of poor behavior on your part.
posted by PsuDab93 at 7:29 AM on April 8, 2013
There is time and space needed here. There are no "life hacks" to get around that.
Most especially if the relationship ended because of poor behavior on your part.
posted by PsuDab93 at 7:29 AM on April 8, 2013
Best answer: Definitely take a break and definitely let her make the first contact, since you did the breaking up.
What I have found is that the first time you talk after a breakup, even if a fair amount of time has passed, can still be fraught and awkward and bring out a lot of negative feelings. But that's OK. If that happens, just get past it and keep in touch, and if there is the possibility for a real friendship there, it will reveal itself.
posted by goingonit at 8:26 AM on April 8, 2013
What I have found is that the first time you talk after a breakup, even if a fair amount of time has passed, can still be fraught and awkward and bring out a lot of negative feelings. But that's OK. If that happens, just get past it and keep in touch, and if there is the possibility for a real friendship there, it will reveal itself.
posted by goingonit at 8:26 AM on April 8, 2013
Keep in mind that the friends in her wider circle may not even want to remain friends with you. Not because you're a bad guy, but because it might put them in an uncomfortable position. I would suggest treading carefully there, and not inadvertently putting those people on the spot by asking them to remain friends with you. If your ex is deeply hurt by the breakup, it may pain her to hear about you socializing even one-on-one with people from her friendship circle that she brought to the relationship. And you don't want to put those people in the position of having to keep shtum about socializing with you in order to protect her feelings.
posted by nacho fries at 8:46 AM on April 8, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by nacho fries at 8:46 AM on April 8, 2013 [1 favorite]
I'm gonna go against the grain here and say that I think at this point in time you really shouldn't even be thinking about being friends with your ex, or with your ex's friends. Focus on moving on, and allowing her to move on. Re-connect with friends who don't know your ex well, and make new ones. Do things on your own. If your ex, or your ex's friends, are interested in being a part of your life, they'll reach out.
When you end a relationship you can't really keep the parts of it that you still like (e.g. her friends, or her Netflix account or whatever). You kinda have to throw the whole thing out.
posted by Asparagus at 11:19 AM on April 8, 2013 [2 favorites]
When you end a relationship you can't really keep the parts of it that you still like (e.g. her friends, or her Netflix account or whatever). You kinda have to throw the whole thing out.
posted by Asparagus at 11:19 AM on April 8, 2013 [2 favorites]
It seems like you just want to be friends with her to avoid making your own friends. You really should make your own friends or learn how to, instead of building social capital through romantic relationships. No doubt they'll hear some unflattering things about you and you'll just make them uncomfortable.
posted by discopolo at 8:39 PM on April 8, 2013
posted by discopolo at 8:39 PM on April 8, 2013
Best answer: I have also bucked the usual trend of "no contact". I am kind of amazed that it has worked, but it has. What helped was that we always really have been very good friends, and I think that was part of why we broke up. The differences between us are fine between friends, but created a lot of tension when we were together. It wasn't an easy break-up and I was quite miserable for a long time there, but I think it has been worth it.
I'm not sure I can give you many practical tips. Listen to each other. Give each other space. Make sure both of you have someone else to talk to, preferably not a mutual friend. Keep your interactions in low-pressure situations for a while - group situations focused on an activity (eg seeing a film) rather than open-ended scenarios with lots of room for awkward conversations/pauses. Respect that what she wants/needs may be different from what you want/need, decide as you go whether it's compatible or not. Listen to her since she's done it a few times before by the sound of it! And good luck, be true to yourselves rather than all the people who insist it must be done a particular way - this is scriptless territory, I think, and you need to be able to write your own.
posted by Athanassiel at 10:02 PM on April 8, 2013
I'm not sure I can give you many practical tips. Listen to each other. Give each other space. Make sure both of you have someone else to talk to, preferably not a mutual friend. Keep your interactions in low-pressure situations for a while - group situations focused on an activity (eg seeing a film) rather than open-ended scenarios with lots of room for awkward conversations/pauses. Respect that what she wants/needs may be different from what you want/need, decide as you go whether it's compatible or not. Listen to her since she's done it a few times before by the sound of it! And good luck, be true to yourselves rather than all the people who insist it must be done a particular way - this is scriptless territory, I think, and you need to be able to write your own.
posted by Athanassiel at 10:02 PM on April 8, 2013
She's upset about the break up. Don't see her right now. If you try to be friends with her now, my experience is that she'll either not be able to get over you or she will slowly become contemptuous of you (which maybe sounds a little crazy but it's one of the ways people get over someone they still have to be around). And then you won't be able to be friends. So leave it for now. Maybe drop her an email letting her know that when/if she's ready, you'd like to be friends. And then leave her alone.
I think it's okay for you to hang out with your existing mutual friends one-on-one, but it's not going to help her if you try to include yourself in group activities that she's a part of.
posted by Polychrome at 4:04 AM on April 9, 2013 [1 favorite]
I think it's okay for you to hang out with your existing mutual friends one-on-one, but it's not going to help her if you try to include yourself in group activities that she's a part of.
posted by Polychrome at 4:04 AM on April 9, 2013 [1 favorite]
It takes time. How much time? Depends on the relationship. Someone said to me Back In The Day that one can tell the quality of the relationship by the breakup. When we're in relationships, we have an interest in keeping the peace – subverting some of our frustrations and whatnot to achieve the greater goal of establishing intimacy with another person.
When relationships come to an end, there's a spectrum of feelings involved. Often it seems, the breakup can inform you of quite a lot about the future potential for friendship. If the breakup was innocuous, you probably have quite a good chance.
There's an obvious truism in consumer research, which is the consumers with the greatest problems are the most vocal. Thus, often surveying people about any matter can easily result in a focus on negative experiences. The reality is there are infinite shades of grey.
Some relationships end because It's Just Not There. If both people realise that, it is in their best interest to remain friends – for they have an intimate connection already established – and help the other in the mating game. Which is what I assume you meant by "for selfish interests".
That being said, it's not an instant process. It does take time to sort one's feelings out and come to a point of acceptance that a Significant Relationship has ended. There's always a factor of hyperbolic discounting present – where she may say, "I will never be friends with you, I can't, it's too intense." That is how she feels now. But how she will feel in two weeks? Six weeks? Two months? Six months? It may be very different. If she meets someone else and becomes Intensely Happy, she will probably be more open to staying friends.
That's all in the case if It Wasn't There for both of you – which will become obvious quite quickly.
If it takes her long – that is, if she was greatly or much more greatly invested than were you, well, that is going to take more time. And it may not be possible. Reason being that in order to be friends with her friends, you must remain friends with them. Which means being connected and involved in their lives. You can't disappear for six months, and return later and expect everything to be the same. Life moves on.
Probably the best bet would be if there's a person, or a few people in the social circle who you get on with and you can pursue friendships with. You basically need to transition your relevance and presence from the girlfriend to someone else. If that's possible, then all good.
And that is quite common in breakups. Through that process, you may have found people who you get along with better than she does – and they may well want to stay friends with you, for you're a cool dude that they're down with.
In that case, the trick is going to be how to engage with the larger social circle, which requires that you be very cool toward her, and be the bigger man in most situations. You are proving yourself to this group of people all over again, now not as someone's boyfriend, but as a part of the social group in your own right. Thus act accordingly.
Overall, as mentioned no obvious rules. It's really a balance of her needs and your needs. If the breakup was easy, give it a little bit of time and see if there's a friendship to be had. If the breakup was intense (for her), then see if there's someone else in the social group that you can build a connection with, while being very gentle about her feelings.
posted by nickrussell at 6:25 AM on April 9, 2013
When relationships come to an end, there's a spectrum of feelings involved. Often it seems, the breakup can inform you of quite a lot about the future potential for friendship. If the breakup was innocuous, you probably have quite a good chance.
There's an obvious truism in consumer research, which is the consumers with the greatest problems are the most vocal. Thus, often surveying people about any matter can easily result in a focus on negative experiences. The reality is there are infinite shades of grey.
Some relationships end because It's Just Not There. If both people realise that, it is in their best interest to remain friends – for they have an intimate connection already established – and help the other in the mating game. Which is what I assume you meant by "for selfish interests".
That being said, it's not an instant process. It does take time to sort one's feelings out and come to a point of acceptance that a Significant Relationship has ended. There's always a factor of hyperbolic discounting present – where she may say, "I will never be friends with you, I can't, it's too intense." That is how she feels now. But how she will feel in two weeks? Six weeks? Two months? Six months? It may be very different. If she meets someone else and becomes Intensely Happy, she will probably be more open to staying friends.
That's all in the case if It Wasn't There for both of you – which will become obvious quite quickly.
If it takes her long – that is, if she was greatly or much more greatly invested than were you, well, that is going to take more time. And it may not be possible. Reason being that in order to be friends with her friends, you must remain friends with them. Which means being connected and involved in their lives. You can't disappear for six months, and return later and expect everything to be the same. Life moves on.
Probably the best bet would be if there's a person, or a few people in the social circle who you get on with and you can pursue friendships with. You basically need to transition your relevance and presence from the girlfriend to someone else. If that's possible, then all good.
And that is quite common in breakups. Through that process, you may have found people who you get along with better than she does – and they may well want to stay friends with you, for you're a cool dude that they're down with.
In that case, the trick is going to be how to engage with the larger social circle, which requires that you be very cool toward her, and be the bigger man in most situations. You are proving yourself to this group of people all over again, now not as someone's boyfriend, but as a part of the social group in your own right. Thus act accordingly.
Overall, as mentioned no obvious rules. It's really a balance of her needs and your needs. If the breakup was easy, give it a little bit of time and see if there's a friendship to be had. If the breakup was intense (for her), then see if there's someone else in the social group that you can build a connection with, while being very gentle about her feelings.
posted by nickrussell at 6:25 AM on April 9, 2013
This thread is closed to new comments.
So if she needs to cut off communication with you for awhile, and not see you, to get over the relationship, then you need to respect that.
I don't know how you left it, but let her know that you want to give her the time and space to do what she needs to do, and that you'll wait for her to decide how she wants to proceed.
In the meantime, don't go nuts in her social group. Sure you've made some friends, but there's something off-putting about an ex showing up to all of MY friend's "dos", so don't be that guy.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 6:29 AM on April 8, 2013 [11 favorites]