Reasonable or unreasonable not to want my roommate to move in her SO?
April 7, 2013 8:01 AM Subscribe
I recently had three all new roommates move into a four bedroom apartment as subletters in February. Knowing one would be moving out near the end of May, I started looking for a new roommate when one of the other roommates suggested moving her boyfriend into the fourth room.
I'm a little wary of this arrangement, but I want to consider, though, before giving my answer whether or not others would consider it unreasonable to not want to live with a couple.
I don't have any issues with the boyfriend specifically; I actually don't know him all that well (they've been dating since she moved out of her old boyfriend's place a couple months ago). I'm more wary of the way the dynamics in the apartment may change when two of the roommates are in a relationship. I also feel like it could create more room for awkward situations/drama (fights/breakups/etc.). Things have been very chill and going great since the new roommates moved in, and I'm just worried about complicating that. Would it be reasonable or unreasonable for me to tell her I'm not comfortable with the idea?
I don't have any issues with the boyfriend specifically; I actually don't know him all that well (they've been dating since she moved out of her old boyfriend's place a couple months ago). I'm more wary of the way the dynamics in the apartment may change when two of the roommates are in a relationship. I also feel like it could create more room for awkward situations/drama (fights/breakups/etc.). Things have been very chill and going great since the new roommates moved in, and I'm just worried about complicating that. Would it be reasonable or unreasonable for me to tell her I'm not comfortable with the idea?
they've been dating since she moved out of her old boyfriend's place a couple months ago
They've been dating for two months?? Um, yeah, you are entirely reasonable in thinking that this is a horrible idea.
posted by gatorae at 8:08 AM on April 7, 2013 [32 favorites]
They've been dating for two months?? Um, yeah, you are entirely reasonable in thinking that this is a horrible idea.
posted by gatorae at 8:08 AM on April 7, 2013 [32 favorites]
Well, my first response was "no way, why do you need this in your life?" But...
(1) Do you get the impression that both of them have some road experience with relationships? I do know some people who date a lot, and moving out wouldn't be that big of a deal, minimal yelling and tears, if things didn't work out.
(2) Are they discreet about sex and PDA as it is? I personally don't mind the kissing on the couch and stopping when someone else comes in...what gets me is the self-righteous blushing and giggling.
If things look good otherwise, you might be better off with him than with a random craigslist person. But still, you're totally allowed not to be into it.
posted by skbw at 8:23 AM on April 7, 2013
(1) Do you get the impression that both of them have some road experience with relationships? I do know some people who date a lot, and moving out wouldn't be that big of a deal, minimal yelling and tears, if things didn't work out.
(2) Are they discreet about sex and PDA as it is? I personally don't mind the kissing on the couch and stopping when someone else comes in...what gets me is the self-righteous blushing and giggling.
If things look good otherwise, you might be better off with him than with a random craigslist person. But still, you're totally allowed not to be into it.
posted by skbw at 8:23 AM on April 7, 2013
Not unreasonable at all, especially since it is a relatively new relationship.
I'd also suggest having a "no couples" policy in the apartment in general, since one day, she might want to bring him into her room. Stating the rules in advance and applying them from now on will help depersonalize things.
posted by rpfields at 8:25 AM on April 7, 2013 [1 favorite]
I'd also suggest having a "no couples" policy in the apartment in general, since one day, she might want to bring him into her room. Stating the rules in advance and applying them from now on will help depersonalize things.
posted by rpfields at 8:25 AM on April 7, 2013 [1 favorite]
One factor you may want to consider is whether the boyfriend is likely to end up as a defacto fifth roommate if he isn't the actual fourth roommate. Him moving in and paying rent may be less stressful for everyone than him practically moving in and not paying rent.
I totally get your worries, though -- I think there are significant, valid concerns, especially with a new relationship.
posted by jacquilynne at 8:28 AM on April 7, 2013 [23 favorites]
I totally get your worries, though -- I think there are significant, valid concerns, especially with a new relationship.
posted by jacquilynne at 8:28 AM on April 7, 2013 [23 favorites]
I second jacquilynne. If the dating continues, he will pretty much be unofficially moving in anyway. At the same time, if couples want to shack up, they ah....probably usually need to move into their own couples-only space so as to not annoy other people. Or have relationship drama spread into your lease issues. And since they're all new people, you don't know any of them super well enough already.
I don't know if I'd officially tell him Hell No, but I'd sit down with her and ask her how they'd handle relationship issues in the house, and point out that after 2 months, they're already shacking up and that's kinda soon. Maybe make her think it over as to whether or not she wants it to happen, or if this is one of those "well, he has to move out anyway and we're dating and it'd be convenient" thing.
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:27 AM on April 7, 2013
I don't know if I'd officially tell him Hell No, but I'd sit down with her and ask her how they'd handle relationship issues in the house, and point out that after 2 months, they're already shacking up and that's kinda soon. Maybe make her think it over as to whether or not she wants it to happen, or if this is one of those "well, he has to move out anyway and we're dating and it'd be convenient" thing.
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:27 AM on April 7, 2013
In my experience, it's one of those "anything could happen" scenarios ... but the same is always true when you're dealing with human beings, whether roommates are hooked up or not.
One plus is that you've got a total of four people living in the apartment which means that the couple will never constitute a majority, there being nothing more potentially tyrannical than majority decisions made by three people (ie: it sucks to be the odd man/woman out).
posted by philip-random at 10:05 AM on April 7, 2013 [1 favorite]
One plus is that you've got a total of four people living in the apartment which means that the couple will never constitute a majority, there being nothing more potentially tyrannical than majority decisions made by three people (ie: it sucks to be the odd man/woman out).
posted by philip-random at 10:05 AM on April 7, 2013 [1 favorite]
While I agree with the above posters --- not having him move in at all would be best --- yeah, there's a good chance he'd end up being such a frequent "guest" that it would drive the rest of you nuts.
Do you already have a limit on the number of overnight guests a renter is allowed? If not, whether he moves in or not, do that immediately! I suggest you make the limit two nights maximum per week, and make sure to specify what qualifies as a week (Sunday through Saturday, for example). I would not make that limit any higher that two nights: two nights means he does have to have somewhere else to live most of the time, whereas a three (or worse, four) night limit puts him in your home fifty percent of the time, and also makes it easier to inch over an extra day here or there more....
If you do let him move in, make sure to treat him and her as the totally separate renters they are: insist on two separate /security/rent/utilities/etc. checks, even if one of them pays for both: it'll make your bookkeeping clearer, as well showing how much is overdue (and from which one) if a payment isn't made on time.
posted by easily confused at 10:19 AM on April 7, 2013 [4 favorites]
Do you already have a limit on the number of overnight guests a renter is allowed? If not, whether he moves in or not, do that immediately! I suggest you make the limit two nights maximum per week, and make sure to specify what qualifies as a week (Sunday through Saturday, for example). I would not make that limit any higher that two nights: two nights means he does have to have somewhere else to live most of the time, whereas a three (or worse, four) night limit puts him in your home fifty percent of the time, and also makes it easier to inch over an extra day here or there more....
If you do let him move in, make sure to treat him and her as the totally separate renters they are: insist on two separate /security/rent/utilities/etc. checks, even if one of them pays for both: it'll make your bookkeeping clearer, as well showing how much is overdue (and from which one) if a payment isn't made on time.
posted by easily confused at 10:19 AM on April 7, 2013 [4 favorites]
Have a house meeting; talk about the pitfalls and benefits of the possibility. If he moves in right after the old housemate leaves, that's a financial help, and I agree that there's the possibility of him being there a lot anyway. Use the meeting to talk about rules(that apply to everyone) and specifically if he moves in. I used to be a small-time landlord, and one complaint I got was 'roommates having loud sex.' Most rules boil down to consideration, but I recommend real rules for quiet time (before 8/after 10 weekdays, before 9/after 12 weekends, ymmv), money (rent on time or a penalty, and every roomie owns a utility) and for cleaning (this is a minefield). House meeting is a good time for people to know where the circuit breaker, water shutoff, etc., is located.
posted by theora55 at 11:57 AM on April 7, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by theora55 at 11:57 AM on April 7, 2013 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by supercres at 8:05 AM on April 7, 2013 [1 favorite]