Please help a few Katrina victims.
September 10, 2005 11:50 AM Subscribe
My wife and I have just taken in two boys (my second cousins, ages 11 and 7) after they lost their mother to a drunk driver that was "evacuating" New Orleans the night before Katrina. We do not have any kids of our own, so this is all new to us. We are looking for some resources (primarily books, maybe some web sites) relevant to our situation that will provide information and support for helping us to set up proper rules, boundaries, etc. for the boys and some other resources that will help us to help the boys grieve the death of their mother. We were in a bookstore last night and were overwhelmed by the amount of choices. Recommendations would be greatly appreciated.
First, I just want to say how wonderful it is of you to take in these boys. I'm sorry for your loss (and theirs) and wish you luck and better days.
That being said, have you enrolled them in school yet? I would suggest working closely with the school's guidance counselor to help guide their adjustment. S/he should be able to point you toward some good resources--books and possibly support groups.
(Sorry I can't be more helpful.)
posted by jrossi4r at 11:57 AM on September 10, 2005
That being said, have you enrolled them in school yet? I would suggest working closely with the school's guidance counselor to help guide their adjustment. S/he should be able to point you toward some good resources--books and possibly support groups.
(Sorry I can't be more helpful.)
posted by jrossi4r at 11:57 AM on September 10, 2005
Again: wow.
It is very common for people to adopt young children from 3 to 7 years old. You may want to find a local adoption agency and ask them for advice and help.
posted by maschnitz at 12:03 PM on September 10, 2005
It is very common for people to adopt young children from 3 to 7 years old. You may want to find a local adoption agency and ask them for advice and help.
posted by maschnitz at 12:03 PM on September 10, 2005
I strongly suggest you speak to a grief counselor immediately to get professional advice and find out what sort of support network is available for these unfortunate children.
As for day to day stuff, the 11 year old should already know what he can/can't do. If he hasn't done so already, you may want to speak to him about playing a role in helping to take care of the seven year old boy. Just to give you an idea of what children are capable of, I was babysitting already at the age of 11.
Also, remember to treat children as adults when speaking to them. Never talk down to them or over simplify things.
Best of luck and I hope you are rewarded for your charity.
posted by furtive at 12:05 PM on September 10, 2005
As for day to day stuff, the 11 year old should already know what he can/can't do. If he hasn't done so already, you may want to speak to him about playing a role in helping to take care of the seven year old boy. Just to give you an idea of what children are capable of, I was babysitting already at the age of 11.
Also, remember to treat children as adults when speaking to them. Never talk down to them or over simplify things.
Best of luck and I hope you are rewarded for your charity.
posted by furtive at 12:05 PM on September 10, 2005
Get a variety of child-rearing and developmental books from the library - read or skim through them to find the ones that best seem to fit your philosophies and lfie style. Dr. Sears fits best with us - but every family is different and you'll have to find your own style. A lot of this will be trial and error. Remember to apologize to the kids for your mistakes and understand that children are VERY forgiving. They're also both old enough to sit down with and discuss as a family what the 'rules' will be, and the consequences for breaking those rules. Listen and seriously consider their input. If they've been raised in a way that is very different from how you'd like to raise them then you might need to make some compromises or at least introduce things gradually - still, children adapt very easily to different rules (in general, and happens with divorced parents all the time) so don't be afraid to insist on what's truly important to you.
Best of luck to all of you.
posted by LadyBonita at 12:22 PM on September 10, 2005
Best of luck to all of you.
posted by LadyBonita at 12:22 PM on September 10, 2005
Donald Winnicott's work is amazing
and thanks. really.
*hugs ajr*
posted by matteo at 12:28 PM on September 10, 2005
and thanks. really.
*hugs ajr*
posted by matteo at 12:28 PM on September 10, 2005
ajr, thank you for doing this. I see from your profile that you're from New Orleans ... I'm sure you know our thoughts are with you.
You need to look for resources aimed at Foster Parents -- although you may not think of yourself as such, you are going to be faced with the same challenges that many Foster Parents face -- kids who are suddenly uprooted from their homes and families, kids who have been somewhat traumatized, and who are grieving. Here are a few points to help you get started....
1) Check with the Red Cross/United Way to see if there is a "Center for Grieving Children" in the area you are currently in.
2) FosterParenting.com will be a good place to start re: resources and suggestions.
3) Try to establish a routine as soon as possible -- get them into school, have a set morning and afterschool routine, have dinner together as a whole family every night, have a set homework time, turn off the TV and find other ways to spend time together and get to know each other ....but also allow these kids time to be by themselves, to settle in, to get comfortable in the new space they're in -- in other words, have a routine, but don't overschedule them. Don't try to fill every minute.
4) Set household rules, and stick to them. What those rules are depends on who you are, but there should be some basic rules about privacy, shared housework, and general personal responsibility.
5) Emphasize, by word and deed, that all emotions are ok -- sadness, anger, frustration - all these feelings are acceptable, in both adults and children. Don't deny the feelings they're having, but try to validate the feelings while emphasizing that (for example) its ok to feel angry, and even to say that you're angry or yell or act angry, but its not ok to break things, hit, or slam doors.
6) Get them in school as soon as possible, and talk with their teachers and guidance staff about your situation.
7) If possible, find a family councilor and see him/her weekly. You are all grieving, and counseling will help you all, at least for a while.
8) Shower them with love. Emphasize that you will always love them, no matter what. Help them find ways to remember their parents, and Emphasize that their parents, too, love them (still love them), and that their parents did not leave by their own choice.
9) Accept that there will be bad (awful) days.
10) Take care of yourself -- since you are from New Orleans, I'm going to assume that you've lost not only family but friends and perhaps your home and possessions as well. You can't be an effective parent unless you take care of your own emotional and physical needs as well as those of these children. Don't neglect your own physical and emotional health.
11) and final: don't be afraid to reach out for help, and accept help when its offered.
posted by anastasiav at 12:29 PM on September 10, 2005
You need to look for resources aimed at Foster Parents -- although you may not think of yourself as such, you are going to be faced with the same challenges that many Foster Parents face -- kids who are suddenly uprooted from their homes and families, kids who have been somewhat traumatized, and who are grieving. Here are a few points to help you get started....
1) Check with the Red Cross/United Way to see if there is a "Center for Grieving Children" in the area you are currently in.
2) FosterParenting.com will be a good place to start re: resources and suggestions.
3) Try to establish a routine as soon as possible -- get them into school, have a set morning and afterschool routine, have dinner together as a whole family every night, have a set homework time, turn off the TV and find other ways to spend time together and get to know each other ....but also allow these kids time to be by themselves, to settle in, to get comfortable in the new space they're in -- in other words, have a routine, but don't overschedule them. Don't try to fill every minute.
4) Set household rules, and stick to them. What those rules are depends on who you are, but there should be some basic rules about privacy, shared housework, and general personal responsibility.
5) Emphasize, by word and deed, that all emotions are ok -- sadness, anger, frustration - all these feelings are acceptable, in both adults and children. Don't deny the feelings they're having, but try to validate the feelings while emphasizing that (for example) its ok to feel angry, and even to say that you're angry or yell or act angry, but its not ok to break things, hit, or slam doors.
6) Get them in school as soon as possible, and talk with their teachers and guidance staff about your situation.
7) If possible, find a family councilor and see him/her weekly. You are all grieving, and counseling will help you all, at least for a while.
8) Shower them with love. Emphasize that you will always love them, no matter what. Help them find ways to remember their parents, and Emphasize that their parents, too, love them (still love them), and that their parents did not leave by their own choice.
9) Accept that there will be bad (awful) days.
10) Take care of yourself -- since you are from New Orleans, I'm going to assume that you've lost not only family but friends and perhaps your home and possessions as well. You can't be an effective parent unless you take care of your own emotional and physical needs as well as those of these children. Don't neglect your own physical and emotional health.
11) and final: don't be afraid to reach out for help, and accept help when its offered.
posted by anastasiav at 12:29 PM on September 10, 2005
A lot of parents swear by the Positive Discipline series of books. Good luck, and just let me add another wow!
posted by kimota at 12:41 PM on September 10, 2005
posted by kimota at 12:41 PM on September 10, 2005
May I also suggest an active parenting forum - MomsView
A few fathers post there, but mostly mothers of all types, including foster and adoptive parents. It will be especially helpful if you don't have a large group of parenting friends.
I also 2nd Winicott - Dr. Sear's work originates from Winicott's work.
posted by LadyBonita at 1:21 PM on September 10, 2005
A few fathers post there, but mostly mothers of all types, including foster and adoptive parents. It will be especially helpful if you don't have a large group of parenting friends.
I also 2nd Winicott - Dr. Sear's work originates from Winicott's work.
posted by LadyBonita at 1:21 PM on September 10, 2005
Wow.
ajr, my parents are grandparenting three special-needs kids from a relationship between my brother and his ex-wife (two of them aren't his kids at all), so I have some understanding of what you're embarking on.
First, if you're planning this for long term, get a lawyer and make sure that whatever guardianship you have of the kids is rock-solid. You'll need documentation of this for a lot of things you can't even imagine right now, from enrolling them in school to seeing their medical records.
You'll want to immediately contact the Louisiana Kinship Care program. It's a federally-underwritten form of foster care where children are taken in by relatives. You may qualify for a monthly subsidy check (because you're saving the state money they would spend to place the kids elsewhere). You'll also open the gateway to a cornucopia (hopefully) of special services. Now, Wisconsin has a great system called Children Come First, with most counties having a special state-funded office; in fact, somewhat coincidentally, my mother works for that office. Her job is to coordinate everything from schooling to therapy. It's entirely possible that Louisiana and your local parish offer something along these lines. At the very least they can be a resource for you.
Don't depend on any one entity to arrange things for you or provide an ideal solution for anything -- be prepared to knock heads together sometimes. At least some of the people you'll encounter will be uncaring numbnuts. Route around them whenever you can.
What's up with the dad? Long gone, or unable to care for them by himself right now? Make sure they have access to him, if possible. The last thing you want to do is be a barrier, unless it's necessary.
Given the circumstances, you can expect some PTSD and grief factors leading to discipline infractions. They're gonna test you. If I can summarize parenting in one sentence (given what I've learned as a "full-time uncle"): Learn how to be firm while remaining calm. In the end they'll love you for it.
posted by dhartung at 1:33 PM on September 10, 2005
ajr, my parents are grandparenting three special-needs kids from a relationship between my brother and his ex-wife (two of them aren't his kids at all), so I have some understanding of what you're embarking on.
First, if you're planning this for long term, get a lawyer and make sure that whatever guardianship you have of the kids is rock-solid. You'll need documentation of this for a lot of things you can't even imagine right now, from enrolling them in school to seeing their medical records.
You'll want to immediately contact the Louisiana Kinship Care program. It's a federally-underwritten form of foster care where children are taken in by relatives. You may qualify for a monthly subsidy check (because you're saving the state money they would spend to place the kids elsewhere). You'll also open the gateway to a cornucopia (hopefully) of special services. Now, Wisconsin has a great system called Children Come First, with most counties having a special state-funded office; in fact, somewhat coincidentally, my mother works for that office. Her job is to coordinate everything from schooling to therapy. It's entirely possible that Louisiana and your local parish offer something along these lines. At the very least they can be a resource for you.
Don't depend on any one entity to arrange things for you or provide an ideal solution for anything -- be prepared to knock heads together sometimes. At least some of the people you'll encounter will be uncaring numbnuts. Route around them whenever you can.
What's up with the dad? Long gone, or unable to care for them by himself right now? Make sure they have access to him, if possible. The last thing you want to do is be a barrier, unless it's necessary.
Given the circumstances, you can expect some PTSD and grief factors leading to discipline infractions. They're gonna test you. If I can summarize parenting in one sentence (given what I've learned as a "full-time uncle"): Learn how to be firm while remaining calm. In the end they'll love you for it.
posted by dhartung at 1:33 PM on September 10, 2005
Wow. Whatever else you do in your life, you are forever blessed for this act of generosity.
There are lots of great book suggestions above, but what you also need are some human resources nearby. Not just grief counselors, etc., but experienced parents who you can call on for advice. If you have even the vaguest religious sentiment, this might be a good time to join a church. My wife is Episcopalian and her church is really the nicest collection of mutually supportive people I have ever met. Otherwise, start reaching out to the parents in your lives--at work, through your kids school, wherever--to forge some connections.
posted by LarryC at 2:12 PM on September 10, 2005
There are lots of great book suggestions above, but what you also need are some human resources nearby. Not just grief counselors, etc., but experienced parents who you can call on for advice. If you have even the vaguest religious sentiment, this might be a good time to join a church. My wife is Episcopalian and her church is really the nicest collection of mutually supportive people I have ever met. Otherwise, start reaching out to the parents in your lives--at work, through your kids school, wherever--to forge some connections.
posted by LarryC at 2:12 PM on September 10, 2005
More hugs, admiration, and appreciation going out to the ajr family. Also to say that anastasia's advice is fantastic -- it hits upon pretty much every major point that some friends of mine learned a few years ago when they adopted sisters who had also suddenly lost their family. Best wishes to all of you.
posted by scody at 2:21 PM on September 10, 2005
posted by scody at 2:21 PM on September 10, 2005
I'm so sorry that you and they have experienced such a traumatic loss. And I think that what people have recommended so far is wonderful.
I almost lost my mom when I was 6. My sisters and I were split up and sent to live with different relatives for two LONG years while she was in hospitals. (My dad traveled weeks at a time for work.) She lived and we were finally all reunited when I was almost 8. I definitely had abandonment issues. I tried to test them a lot, not because I was a bad kid, but I was afraid to lose them again. I wanted them to prove to me that, no matter how bad I was, they weren't leaving again. I really wanted them to set boundaries and provide structure even though I fought very hard against it.
Even though I don't have many ideas for parenting books or resources, I think it's admirable that you are putting so much thought into structure for them. Because they may be feeling lost for awhile.
posted by jeanmari at 3:18 PM on September 10, 2005
I almost lost my mom when I was 6. My sisters and I were split up and sent to live with different relatives for two LONG years while she was in hospitals. (My dad traveled weeks at a time for work.) She lived and we were finally all reunited when I was almost 8. I definitely had abandonment issues. I tried to test them a lot, not because I was a bad kid, but I was afraid to lose them again. I wanted them to prove to me that, no matter how bad I was, they weren't leaving again. I really wanted them to set boundaries and provide structure even though I fought very hard against it.
Even though I don't have many ideas for parenting books or resources, I think it's admirable that you are putting so much thought into structure for them. Because they may be feeling lost for awhile.
posted by jeanmari at 3:18 PM on September 10, 2005
Pretty much what anastasiav said, and more heartfelt admiration & sympathy. I think the most important thing you can do is keep the lines of communication as open as possible. Some boys tend to shut down, hold in their emotions, try to be manly, and that isn't at all healthy. So just letting them know that you're there, you'll talk to them, you'll listen, will be incredibly helpful. This will have to come on their timetable, so be prepared - my kids always ended up telling me the most during odd times stuck together in the car, of all places. I also strongly recommend grief counseling and/or general family counseling to help you all get off on the right foot together.
There aren't as many parenting books for older kids as there are for younger, but I love The Mothers Almanac and it has a lot of great ideas for just general family fun. Just being together, doing inconsequential things or all family projects, is the best way to begin to know one another and turn into a family. Try to occasionally spend time with each boy one on one - a pizza or ice cream date can work wonders. As far as discipline, be flexible, get their input and take it slowly. I think what you all need now is a lot of love and time, more than rules. Routines will establish themselves. Good luck to all of you!
posted by mygothlaundry at 4:03 PM on September 10, 2005
There aren't as many parenting books for older kids as there are for younger, but I love The Mothers Almanac and it has a lot of great ideas for just general family fun. Just being together, doing inconsequential things or all family projects, is the best way to begin to know one another and turn into a family. Try to occasionally spend time with each boy one on one - a pizza or ice cream date can work wonders. As far as discipline, be flexible, get their input and take it slowly. I think what you all need now is a lot of love and time, more than rules. Routines will establish themselves. Good luck to all of you!
posted by mygothlaundry at 4:03 PM on September 10, 2005
My friend did a similar thing recently - a drug habit spiralling out of control meant his sister couldn't look after her 3 teenage children any more, so him and his wife valiantly took them on and, like you, became instant parents. And you know what he said he'd found most useful? Watching old episodes of The Cosby Show, which I'm sure many are aware is a kernel of family values wrapped in a shell of entertainment. The first season's just been released on Amazon here. Good luck!
posted by forallmankind at 5:10 PM on September 10, 2005
posted by forallmankind at 5:10 PM on September 10, 2005
Give them hugs. Lots and lots and lots of hugs.
And find a good child psychologist/grief counselor around--adult psychologists aren't the same.
(You're generosity is awesome)
posted by Anonymous at 5:55 PM on September 10, 2005
And find a good child psychologist/grief counselor around--adult psychologists aren't the same.
(You're generosity is awesome)
posted by Anonymous at 5:55 PM on September 10, 2005
I find John Rosemond's books to be worth the read, with the caveat that he is Xian and conservative and I am most definitely not either - so there are many things I don't agree with, but plenty of other parts I find quite useful since a lot of it is straightforward and common-sense. Most of his books are aimed at parenting older children. Good luck to you all and my condolences on the boys' loss - that is so very sad.
posted by Melinika at 6:31 PM on September 10, 2005
posted by Melinika at 6:31 PM on September 10, 2005
Make sure you communicate with their teachers. Most likely they are starting in a new school, and it is going to add another layer of difficulty to their lives. Keeping lines of communication open with teachers can make things easier. If their teachers know what they've been through, then they'll likely make an extra effort to make them feel welcome and won't be too hard on them for having a "bad attitude" on sad days. Likewise their teachers can tell you a lot about how they are doing.
posted by mai at 12:58 AM on September 11, 2005
posted by mai at 12:58 AM on September 11, 2005
In addition to tons of work, kids can be fun. You can tell your spouse, "I'm taking the kids to go do x" and then go see a baseball game, make things, make a potato gun, all kinds of awesome juvenile behavior that might otherwise be hard to justify. Not trying to be silly, just wanted to point out that you are in for some good times as well as work.
How are you guys doing with the financial burdens? This is a charitable cause I could actually not feel ambivalent about, nice and focused, and I bet a lot of other metafilterians might feel the same. Did they lose their stuff in the aftermath? You guys make me tear up, no joke.
posted by craniac at 5:58 AM on September 11, 2005
How are you guys doing with the financial burdens? This is a charitable cause I could actually not feel ambivalent about, nice and focused, and I bet a lot of other metafilterians might feel the same. Did they lose their stuff in the aftermath? You guys make me tear up, no joke.
posted by craniac at 5:58 AM on September 11, 2005
Yeah, we have some money in the MeFi Hurricane Fund still. We'd be happy to help; we sent you another email, ajr.
posted by fionab at 7:37 AM on September 11, 2005
posted by fionab at 7:37 AM on September 11, 2005
I think it's wonderful that you are opening up your home to the boys.
They lost their mom, their home, and a sense of security. Make sure to give them lots of hugs and talk, talk, talk to them. They need a solid foundation right now, so make sure these kids come first no matter what your plans are.
I recommend letting them decorate and do whatever they want to their room. Let them establish their own personal space to give them a sense of comfort and belonging.
posted by echolex at 8:04 AM on September 11, 2005
They lost their mom, their home, and a sense of security. Make sure to give them lots of hugs and talk, talk, talk to them. They need a solid foundation right now, so make sure these kids come first no matter what your plans are.
I recommend letting them decorate and do whatever they want to their room. Let them establish their own personal space to give them a sense of comfort and belonging.
posted by echolex at 8:04 AM on September 11, 2005
Someone recommended this Amazon list to me. It has a mix of books for the kids as well as books for you - it tends towards adoption and fostering, which may have a bit of irrelevant info, but will likely have lots of aspects with which you will struggle but not be able to identify.
posted by fionab at 10:26 AM on September 11, 2005
posted by fionab at 10:26 AM on September 11, 2005
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by xmutex at 11:51 AM on September 10, 2005