Parents. Cheating. Way out of my depth.

April 5, 2013 1:52 PM

My mom just found out my dad's been cheating on her. How do I deal with all of this from 3000 miles away?

My parents have been together for over 40 years, and my mother recently discovered a very inappropriate message from my father to another woman. I don't know all the details, but it's definitely already in affair territory. I haven't talked to my dad yet, so I don't know if this is emotional at all or just a fling (not that it really matters), but my mom is rightfully furious and seriously considering divorce. My mom is the primary breadwinner in the family, but they own a business together and are extremely visible in the community, so their professional and private lives have been heavily entwined for a very long time now. They've never had an especially smooth marriage, and I used to worry they would split when I was a kid, but as I got older, it seemed as though they'd weathered the worst of it. This has been the first indication of cheating, as far as I know.

Until this point, I've had a reasonably good relationship with both of them. I'm the oldest of their three children, but I live on the other side of the country. My brother is a few hours away in the next state over, and my adult sister still lives at home. After my mom found out, she sent an angry, but reasonably calm email to all of us about what happened. I want to support my mom, but I'm not really sure what to do. Do I respond to the email? I could go home, but I don't know if that would help at all or just add to the stress. I usually talk to them on the phone regularly, but right now, I'm not even sure if I should call.

It's worth mentioning that there's a fair amount of cultural baggage attached here as well. Although we're extremely Americanized in a lot of ways, we're from a minority culture that doesn't really talk about difficult issues well. Divorce, while not exactly rare, is still kind of taboo, and counseling is practically unheard of. In the past, they've regularly used me as the family intermediary. I really don't know how or if either of my parents is going to want to talk to me about any of this, but I'm pretty certain I'm going to get a lot of panicked phone calls from my siblings soon.

I don't want to totally cut ties with him, but I'm extremely angry with my dad. He's also the one who is likely to come out the worst from all this. My mom is very independent, financially secure, and has a large and stable social network of friends and family. My dad has lots of friends and likes to act the part of the big shot, but ultimately he's been almost entirely dependent on my mom for his lifestyle, and he's starting to show signs of physical decline. I think my mom is probably right to just walk away, but if they do separate and/or divorce, it's going to be hard on everyone, and I just feel so awful about the whole bloody mess. How do I help my family through this? Can I help them?

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (26 answers total)

- My mom just found out my dad's been cheating on her.
- I haven't talked to my dad yet,
- After my mom found out, she sent an angry, but reasonably calm email to all of us about what happened
- In the past, they've regularly used me as the family intermediary.

Call your father and get his side of the story.
Call your mother and talk to her in person.

You are very lucky to be of adult age when forced to be dealing with your parents' shortcomings—make sure you handle it like an adult. Communicate with each other, and try not to let your emotions and/or preconceptions get the best of you.
posted by carsonb at 1:59 PM on April 5, 2013 [5 favorites]

My suggestion is this: do NOT be the family intermediary this time. It's possible that culturally this is considered your business (and that of the rest of the family) but I think now is the time to draw that line and say, "I am not getting involved in my parents marriage or sex lives, I'm sorry. I just can't." Don't gossip, don't relay messages. You're probably going to end up taking sides, but do that by supporting the side you take and remaining neutral to the other side. (Because among other reasons, it's probably going to come down to you kids to take care of your father going forward.)

You can't help, unless someone asks you to take on some specific concrete task. This will be sad and painful for everyone involved, including you, and you're the only one you've got control over. Take care of you - this is very sad and also a shock, and when we are shocked we have a very powerful urge to DO SOMETHING, so make sure you're not making things worse by trying to give yourself something to do. If you need to, go gather up donations for a women's shelter in your area or find some other altruistic vent for that nervous energy.
posted by Lyn Never at 2:06 PM on April 5, 2013 [15 favorites]

This is none of your business. Tell your mom to keep her laundry to herself and deal with her husband like an adult.
posted by RustyBrooks at 2:10 PM on April 5, 2013 [35 favorites]

Their marriage is not a group project. Let them know you love them, but they need to sort this out themselves. If they need extra support, suggest counseling. Do not get in the middle of this. Suggest a similar approach to your siblings.
posted by quince at 2:13 PM on April 5, 2013 [12 favorites]

I wouldn't get involved with your parents on this. Support each of them emotionally, but offer no advice, and if they get into inappropriate territory simply say, "I'm not comfortable discussing that with you."

If your mom wants to leave your dad, there's not a lot you can (or should) do about it.

Talk to your siblings as much as you like. You can support each other.

There are two sides to every story, and even if your Dad is the bad-guy in all of this, you can still love him and love your mom. You don't have to take sides.

You can send everyone an email back:

"Dear Family,

I'm so sad to hear that there is such uproar. I want everyone to know that I love them and I support them and I will not get in the middle of any disputes.

I'm here if you need me,

Anon"

That's it.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 2:14 PM on April 5, 2013 [13 favorites]

It's perfectly normal to be angry with your dad. Moreover, for some couples, the wife would derive additional comfort knowing that the children side with her; and obviously she is the more "deserving" of comfort between the two, so there's that. But my personal, experienced perspective on this is that your dad might suddenly feel like there's an undercurrent moving away from him, alientating him, condemning him, distancing him, etc. For lack of a better way to say it, when you've done something wrong and it's just been discovered, you can feel very lonely. Especially in a circumstance like this.

My two cents would be, people need family most at those moments. If you did something wrong, would your dad stand with you? That's one question to consider. Another is, how do you want to have handled this? When you look back on the coming days/months later in your life, what would you like to be able to say you did? Sided with your mom? Tried to support both of them? There isn't necessarily any right or wrong answer.

I would agree that being the family intermediary in this instance is unwise. If you choose not to support both parents, obviously you can't be a great intermediary. Separately, if you do choose to support both parents, you can absolutely do that without being an intermediary. You should look out for your own emotional well-being, but also you should know that it's rarely wise for anybody to get in the middle or "mediate" these circumstances. It doesn't usually work out well for any of the three people involved.

I'm sorry for what you're going through. If your dad is a bad guy, I'm sorry for that. If he isn't a bad guy but he has done a bad thing, then I am actually sorrier for that because it's a more complex set of emotions to navigate. I wish you luck in being their child, and I wish them luck in dealing with their marriage.
posted by cribcage at 2:16 PM on April 5, 2013 [7 favorites]

I think you should send your mother a message of support like you would if you heard anything bad happened to her. And then tell her she needs a lawyer to protect her and that the lawyer won't want her blabbing a lot of stuff around. (Don't use the word "blabbing" though.) She should act fast to protect herself, and without a lot of talk.
posted by BibiRose at 2:17 PM on April 5, 2013 [1 favorite]

Do not allow your mother to use you as a battering ram against your father in revenge for his (admittedly horrible) actions. He's still your father. It's awful when our parents make abhorrent decisions, but this really isn't about you or your relationship with him.

Personally I made my own peace with my Dad making dumb hurtful decisions and completely refused to be involved in any part of it. Told them both to not discuss it with me. I've not regretted it.

Your Dad might not be the kind of man you would want to marry, but he can still be your father.
posted by Dynex at 2:20 PM on April 5, 2013 [7 favorites]

I'm sure it would be interesting to find out what minority culture you belong to. Being from a minority culture, I can relate to the therapy/divorce/outward appearances comments. And of course this is your business. Anyone using phrases like "battering ram" and "group project" to describe your mother's communication to the family is probably just spicing things up.

I would probably suggest not going back home unless you're asked to, and if so, not for too long. Let the dust settle. Talk to your siblings, be of service to them, find out how they are taking it. As the oldest, you may find yourself speaking for them. Listen to what your dad has to say. Try to say what you mean, mean what you say, and don't say anything mean. Focus on your feelings, and what you can do to improve the situation. Unfortunately, what's done is done. You will have to choose between reacting as a child or as an adult.
posted by phaedon at 3:05 PM on April 5, 2013 [2 favorites]

Sounds like your mom is in a position of power if your father depends on her for a roof over his head.

I wouldn't get involved, but I would be there for both of your parents. Your father may need some help getting his life sorted out (place to stay etc).
posted by KokuRyu at 3:13 PM on April 5, 2013

Call your father and get his side of the story.
Call your mother and talk to her in person.

Helll, naw. It doesn't matter if you're an adult, if your parents love you etc. You are about to be recruited into a conflict you have no business fighting, and no reason fighting. Gah.

Your parents - both of them, more likely than not, but your mum firstly - are being selfish, and if my experience is anything to go by, they are looking to enlist "allies".

But you are their child - you should never be asked, overtly or implicitly to pick sides between your parents, or frankly, to sort their problems out. It reeks of immaturity, selfishness, and myopia. I know all this because I was literally a child when my parents divorced, and they both tried this shit out with me, and my then-adult siblings.

Don't engage, OP. You have your own feelings and reactions about this to process and sort out, and your own siblings to look after and protect - your parents obviously don't care to do it so much as they care about "winning". I mean, honestly, an email, is that the kind of thing a parent with their kids' welfare in mind would do first?
posted by smoke at 3:18 PM on April 5, 2013 [6 favorites]

If you're not involved in their sex life, you should not get involved in their sex life. Seriously though, they have no reason to involve you except to use you as a tool against the other. From now on, it's healthiest to be the Switzerland of your parents' war: be kind to them both, but do not get involved.
posted by theraflu at 3:35 PM on April 5, 2013 [3 favorites]

I know it's hard to disengage from the cultural expectation of your involvement, but you must. You really must not deliver what your mom wants you to deliver, i.e. righteous fury and condemnation of your dad. Don't do it.

It is not your business and it is really not up to you to judge. You are not in their marriage. You do not know their sex life. That is as it should be.

Call your mom and tell her you love her and you're sorry she's hurting. Tell her she's great and strong and will be ok. Tell her you'll support whatever decision she makes, including if she decides to stay. But don't get sucked into talk about how terrible your dad is, and don't offer advice. Only love. And don't alienate your dad. It's not for you to punish him.
posted by fingersandtoes at 3:53 PM on April 5, 2013 [4 favorites]

OP, not saying you should get involved, but if you do, you should not make (or confirm) any assumptions around the benign financial consequences of divorce for your mom. Absent unusual facts, an equal(ish) division of assets (including retirement accounts and pensions) and the higher-income spouse having to pay long-term support to the lower earner are outcome you'd expect in a divorce of a 40-year married couple.
posted by MattD at 4:08 PM on April 5, 2013

In the past, they've regularly used me as the family intermediary.
Try as hard as you can to avoid this role. I think Ruthless Bunny has it.

And, I've been in a similar position with my own emotionally and sexually unfaithful parents. Trust me when I say that you really do not want to know your parents in that way. Aside from the "ew, TMI" factor, it can really undermine your relationships with your parents if you get too into the nitty-gritty details of their private (aka away from you, between the two of them) relationship(s).
posted by sm1tten at 4:25 PM on April 5, 2013 [1 favorite]

Yes. They are manipulating you. Or at least your mother is. They need to grow up and solve their own problems and not dump them on you, like you are in the bathroom at a school dance.

Cultures that force their offspring to be involved in the marriage of the parents are wrong. (Family, yes. Marriage, no.) This is not healthy.
posted by gjc at 5:59 PM on April 5, 2013 [1 favorite]

Whatever it is that you think you know about the inner workings of your parents' marriage that allows you to choose good guys and bad guys here, trust me: you don't know. Do not take sides. Do not be so quick to assign blame. There are two people who know what's up here, and you are not one of them. And I cannot agree with sm1tten enough; unless you want to learn that dad is really into anal play and mom won't go along with it (or heaven knows what) do not pry too deeply.
posted by 1adam12 at 6:30 PM on April 5, 2013 [2 favorites]

Do not get involved in your parents' relationship. Nothing good will come of it.
posted by Silvertree at 7:49 PM on April 5, 2013 [2 favorites]

This happened to my parents about six or seven years ago. Same story, right down to the inappropriate message being the way it was found out. I was in my late 20s. What happened next was my Dad moved out, and I went home for a week to stay with my Mum and support her. I didn't have a number for Dad at his hotel, and he didn't reply to an email I sent saying I was in town and would like to have dinner with him.

He avoided me for the next year after that. It came out later that he assumed that my mother had told me her side of the story (true), that I had believed it (true - because I hadn't had any other side told to me), and that I would side with her and hate him (not true). So he couldn't bring himself to talk to me.

That was not a great way for things to work out, so if I had to do it again, I would be very careful about appearing to side with one parent over the other, even if one of them seems more in need of comfort and support.

(For what it's worth, my father's story, which I didn't hear for a couple of years, was that the woman was just a friend, that the message was inappropriate on her behalf, but not reciprocated on his. However, since he married her the moment the divorce was finalised, I'm not entirely convinced about that story).

If I could do it again, I'd probably send an unambiguously supportive message to BOTH parents immediately, saying that what has happened is their business and I don't want to talk about the details, but that I still love them both and want to be there for them, especially if they need extra help and support while their life is undergoing so many changes.
posted by lollusc at 8:27 PM on April 5, 2013 [3 favorites]

It is okay to be simultaneously disappointed in someone and still love them. It is okay to be sympathetic and listen to someone and still not side with them. It is okay to love someone and still be mad at them. It is okay to not try to fix things that you have no control over.

Its also okay to send someone the message '{Parent}, we need to talk. I'm not taking sides and I need to make sure that you know that I love you and {Other Parent}.'

It is okay to listen to your parent's problems. It is okay to tell someone that you agree with them or that you understand their feelings. It is also okay to tell them that regardless of how you feel, that you also still love your other parent.

There is no way to come out of this unscathed, but there are things that you can make clear to both parents that will indicate that you want to keep a relationship with both of them..
posted by Nanukthedog at 8:48 PM on April 5, 2013 [1 favorite]

I don't agree that their marriage is not your business. Your family is your business, and their marriage is at the heart of your family. And, obviously, that's why you feel so upset about this news you received. What I do agree with as far as what others have already said is that you should talk to your dad and find out his side of the story.
posted by Dansaman at 10:16 PM on April 5, 2013 [2 favorites]

I think you need to think about your own sanity and emotional well-being in this scenario. I agree that acting as an intermediary would be a bad idea, and I would suggest that your next move should take into consideration your good relationship with each parent, and your own feelings about what you have been told.

I like Ruthless Bunny's suggested wording, but if you think it would really bother you not to give your father a chance to tell his version of events, there is nothing wrong with asking him, as long as you make it clear that you won't be judging or taking sides. Then let your parents deal with this.
posted by rpfields at 11:59 AM on April 6, 2013

I disagree that your parents' marriage is none of your business. How could it be? They raised you together; they're your family.

I also disagree that you can't play a positive role for both of them. If you've been an intermediary in the past, that indicates that they trust you and that you've been able to provide them a means of communication that worked for them, and that they were otherwise lacking. You didn't say that this stressed you out overly, so if they ask for that sort of help now, I'd suggest taking their request seriously. Everyone in your family will benefit if this goes smoothly, regardless of what the actual resolution is.

This is going to hurt, but telling your parents they're on their own would be cold, and ultimately I think you'd really regret it. At least I know that I would. All marriages have problems that the partners solve on their own, and when they reach out for help, it tells you that they really need the help this time. I'd be deeply disappointed with myself if I couldn't find the heart to step in and help my parents, after 40 years of marriage, when they needed me.
posted by Capri at 2:10 PM on April 6, 2013

Chiming in for the "your parents marriage is not your business" side of the debate. My opinion is based purely on my own personal experience as a child of divorce. My situation is quite different from yours - my parents split when I was under 10 and no infidelity was involved - but I heard a fair amount of dirt from both parents about the other at various points when I was growing up. I saved my sanity by simply refusing to hear it - I told them both that they are my parents, and that their relationship and its baggage has nothing to do with my relationship with each of them as my father and mother. I'd be a far unhappier person had I never done this - the few things I was told (which I try hard not to think about, even today) are just rotten and spoil childhood memories and elements of my relationships with each of them - which can be fraught enough without other interference! So while my experience is different from yours and doesn't entirely apply, I cannot recommend enough that you try to stay as far out of this as possible while still supporting your parents. Their relationship will change in whatever way that it now must, but your own sanity, mental, and emotional health are things you should protect as if no one else will - because no one else will, and you should not become a casualty of your parents' fallout.
posted by AthenaPolias at 5:50 PM on April 6, 2013 [3 favorites]

Agh, been there done that, including the affair, the distance, the cultural baggage, being an adult child, etc. I really feel for you. I think there are both good and bad things about being an adult in this sort of situation, but don't expect that it won't be traumatic for you because you're an adult, and make sure you take care of yourself. It's going to get worse before it gets better, and given what you said about your family dynamics, you are going to get dragged into it no matter how hard you try not to. I suggest that you email your parents separately, telling each one simply that you are sorry about the difficult situation, that you love them, and that they should let you know if you can help with the family business or other logistics. The latter will allow you to offer your parents actual help with things that might get neglected during this difficult time, without having to offer yourself up as an intermediary regarding their marriage. Do not be an intermediary.

Remember that nothing you do or say will directly help their marriage - they need to sort things out themselves ("things" including this latest event, which is not an isolated incident but rather the most recent manifestation of long LONG standing issues). However, you can help a bit by being a sympathetic but passive listener if either or both of your parents reach out to you to vent/complain/cry/rage. This is likely to happen, especially since they may be reluctant to divulge this sort of thing to other relatives or friends. They may say some horrific things about each other and perhaps even about the family as a whole (including you and your siblings). If so, realize that the words come from pain and trauma and long-suppressed emotions, and try not to internalize them. If you feel overwhelmed, find a therapist for yourself. Trust me on this last bit - if I could time travel I would go back ten years in time to grab my younger self by the neck and march her to the nearest competent therapist. One's identity is typically partly intertwined with one's family - shit like this can mess you up if you're not careful. I took things too personally and let things fester in my head and now I am working through lots of repressed anger and resentment about my own parents' turbulent marriage. Check in with your siblings too, especially your sister at home, and help each other vent.

If I may point out a silver lining, after an upheaval, things can shift to a new balance where people are happier than they were before. Hang in there. Above all else, take care of yourself.
posted by nemutdero at 6:18 PM on April 6, 2013 [2 favorites]

Also, I agree with those saying that there's probably no need to go home at this time. If your family were of the type to discuss stuff very openly and figure things out straightforwardly, perhaps it would help to go home. But if your parents have difficulty talking with each other and the family as a whole has some communication issues, then I don't see that your being at home would facilitation discussion. It will probably just cause your parents more distress to see you in distress.

If anything, I think you should see how your sister is doing, and if she needs an escape perhaps you could let her visit you.

And I strongly disagree with this sentiment from above: Anyone using phrases like "battering ram" and "group project" to describe your mother's communication to the family is probably just spicing things up.

What? Of course it's possible for you to get manipulated into acting as a battering ram against one parent. Be wary of being manipulated by either or both parents. Don't hesitate to seek professional advice from therapists, including MFTs, if you feel you need it at any point.
posted by nemutdero at 6:39 PM on April 6, 2013 [2 favorites]