I'm having serial crushes. What should I do about them?
April 5, 2013 8:26 AM Subscribe
I used to be happily single. I hardly ever got crushes on anyone and wasn't really bothered by my lack of a dating life. For the last six months, however, I've been in a new and unusual situation where I'm meeting lots of great guys, and I've been getting serial crushes - something totally new to me. Even though they aren't particularly deep crushes, it's gotten to the point where "must. date. guy. now." seems to be constantly buzzing around in the back (or front) of my mind. Unfortunately, circumstances are such that it seems that 1) I am unlikely to actually get a date, and 2) even if I could get the dating life I want, pursuing it at this point might not be advisable. How can I stop being so hung up on my desire to be dating someone? Alternatively, are my concerns unwarranted and should I try pursuing dates more actively? Details/complications within.
I'm an early-20s female college student, currently studying abroad in Seoul. I'm highly introverted and had a bit of a hard time making friends in college in the states, much less getting on anyone's dating radar, since I'm not usually good at actively pursuing new connections or even just "getting out there" (literally, I spent way too much time in my dorm room). This has changed somewhat since arriving in Korea, because I discovered the wonders of using the internet to find an endless supply of people who want to meet for English-Korean language exchange. It turns out that I actually like meeting and talking to new people, it's just that I have a hard time approaching them in person or in group settings. I'm so much better at this kind of thing where we meet one-on-one after finding each other based on a mutual goal. Anyway, many of these language partners have been guys, typically 3-6 years older than me. Starting with my very first male language partner, I've found a number of these guys attractive, and am now in the throes of my third such crush.
In the case of that first guy, it turned out that he actually liked me as well, and he wasn't really shy about it either. After meeting ostensibly platonically for a few weeks, though, we only "dated" for all of one week before he thought better of it because he had to focus on studying for the civil service exam. I was disappointed - I hadn't had any kind of romantic excitement in four years - but I got over it and even came to realize that had he not broken up with me that way, I probably would have wanted out within a month or two anyway. Something had felt kind of off in my gut, very deep down, but as soon as I'd realized this guy had a crush on me and I kind of thought he was attractive too, all the hormones I'd apparently been suppressing since high school came flooding to the forefront and overrode everything else.
Since that guy, I've met many, many other male language partners over the course of the past few months. I do genuinely want to improve my spoken Korean, but to be 100% honest, ever since the hormone floodgates opened, some part of me has also been scoping each of these guys out as potential dating partners. This seems problematic - I mean, if I were the older guy in this situation, wouldn't people think of me as a total creep for having that kind of ulterior motive? Our stated purpose of meeting was always language exchange, nothing else. It's not like we met on a dating website.
This leads me to the problem that, even though I've had crushes since that first guy, I'm reluctant to pursue them because it feels like romantic signals are a lot harder to read and/or send in a language-exchange setting. By this I mean that even if some guy were interested in me, he might be very careful not to show this at all for fear of crossing an unspoken boundary and creeping me out, especially since most of these guys are older than me (up to 6 years older even if they're still in college as well, because mandatory military service pushes back the age of graduation for most guys). But, I can't just assume that a guy might be hiding his interest when in all likelihood, he probably just isn't into me that way and thinks we're having a blast purely as language partners / platonic friends.
The other problem is that, even if a guy liked me and I liked him, I'm going to be leaving in five months with little prospect of returning in the next two years, and possibly forever. A lot of the guys I'm meeting seem to be of the age where they look at dating as something more serious than casual, ideally leading to marriage by the time they're 30. (The very first guy I met was an exception, I guess.) So even if I correctly surmised that he liked me and got up the guts to ask him out first, he might not want to date casually and turn me down for that reason. And then things might become awkward and I might lose someone who would otherwise have been a great friend and language partner.
In the case of the guy I'm just starting to crush on now... we've met three times in the last two weeks, and he's seemed more and more attractive, funny, smart, and genuinely nice every time. But, he's 6 years older than me, a year or two out of college, and if I understood him correctly, apparently was dumped a few months ago by his serious (i.e. they were possibly marriage-bound) girlfriend when he gave up his stable government job to pursue a more enjoyable position in the private sector. Clearly we're in different stages of our lives. He's expressed how much he's enjoyed our meetings and wants to spend even more time "studying" together (i.e. hanging out in cafes talking and watching Korean sitcoms; four hours flew by like this a couple of days ago, and we only left when I would have risked missing the last bus otherwise). But I guess I don't have any grounds to think his enthusiasm is meant in anything more than a friends/language partners kind of way.
TL;DR
So,with all that background, here are my main questions.
1) Is it in fact a problem that I'm constantly scoping out new language partners as potential dates, and that this is one of my unstated motivations for finding language partners? (I don't know of other equally good ways to meet new people here.) If so, how can I remedy this? I used to be perfectly happy with my date-less self, but now dating is practically all I can think about!
2) If my newest crush doesn't resolve itself in the next couple of weeks, would pursuing it be unwise? What kind of things should I weigh in deciding whether it's worth it to confess, and/or what kind of flirty things can I do without turning into a creep or desperate girl? Conversely, are there any subtle signals I could be on the lookout for myself, or is that just a dangerous business? (Assuming, of course, that I'm even more unlikely than usual to be asked out or blatantly flirted with first, given that the guys I'm meeting are presumably motivated not to creep out their free English teacher.)
I'm an early-20s female college student, currently studying abroad in Seoul. I'm highly introverted and had a bit of a hard time making friends in college in the states, much less getting on anyone's dating radar, since I'm not usually good at actively pursuing new connections or even just "getting out there" (literally, I spent way too much time in my dorm room). This has changed somewhat since arriving in Korea, because I discovered the wonders of using the internet to find an endless supply of people who want to meet for English-Korean language exchange. It turns out that I actually like meeting and talking to new people, it's just that I have a hard time approaching them in person or in group settings. I'm so much better at this kind of thing where we meet one-on-one after finding each other based on a mutual goal. Anyway, many of these language partners have been guys, typically 3-6 years older than me. Starting with my very first male language partner, I've found a number of these guys attractive, and am now in the throes of my third such crush.
In the case of that first guy, it turned out that he actually liked me as well, and he wasn't really shy about it either. After meeting ostensibly platonically for a few weeks, though, we only "dated" for all of one week before he thought better of it because he had to focus on studying for the civil service exam. I was disappointed - I hadn't had any kind of romantic excitement in four years - but I got over it and even came to realize that had he not broken up with me that way, I probably would have wanted out within a month or two anyway. Something had felt kind of off in my gut, very deep down, but as soon as I'd realized this guy had a crush on me and I kind of thought he was attractive too, all the hormones I'd apparently been suppressing since high school came flooding to the forefront and overrode everything else.
Since that guy, I've met many, many other male language partners over the course of the past few months. I do genuinely want to improve my spoken Korean, but to be 100% honest, ever since the hormone floodgates opened, some part of me has also been scoping each of these guys out as potential dating partners. This seems problematic - I mean, if I were the older guy in this situation, wouldn't people think of me as a total creep for having that kind of ulterior motive? Our stated purpose of meeting was always language exchange, nothing else. It's not like we met on a dating website.
This leads me to the problem that, even though I've had crushes since that first guy, I'm reluctant to pursue them because it feels like romantic signals are a lot harder to read and/or send in a language-exchange setting. By this I mean that even if some guy were interested in me, he might be very careful not to show this at all for fear of crossing an unspoken boundary and creeping me out, especially since most of these guys are older than me (up to 6 years older even if they're still in college as well, because mandatory military service pushes back the age of graduation for most guys). But, I can't just assume that a guy might be hiding his interest when in all likelihood, he probably just isn't into me that way and thinks we're having a blast purely as language partners / platonic friends.
The other problem is that, even if a guy liked me and I liked him, I'm going to be leaving in five months with little prospect of returning in the next two years, and possibly forever. A lot of the guys I'm meeting seem to be of the age where they look at dating as something more serious than casual, ideally leading to marriage by the time they're 30. (The very first guy I met was an exception, I guess.) So even if I correctly surmised that he liked me and got up the guts to ask him out first, he might not want to date casually and turn me down for that reason. And then things might become awkward and I might lose someone who would otherwise have been a great friend and language partner.
In the case of the guy I'm just starting to crush on now... we've met three times in the last two weeks, and he's seemed more and more attractive, funny, smart, and genuinely nice every time. But, he's 6 years older than me, a year or two out of college, and if I understood him correctly, apparently was dumped a few months ago by his serious (i.e. they were possibly marriage-bound) girlfriend when he gave up his stable government job to pursue a more enjoyable position in the private sector. Clearly we're in different stages of our lives. He's expressed how much he's enjoyed our meetings and wants to spend even more time "studying" together (i.e. hanging out in cafes talking and watching Korean sitcoms; four hours flew by like this a couple of days ago, and we only left when I would have risked missing the last bus otherwise). But I guess I don't have any grounds to think his enthusiasm is meant in anything more than a friends/language partners kind of way.
TL;DR
So,with all that background, here are my main questions.
1) Is it in fact a problem that I'm constantly scoping out new language partners as potential dates, and that this is one of my unstated motivations for finding language partners? (I don't know of other equally good ways to meet new people here.) If so, how can I remedy this? I used to be perfectly happy with my date-less self, but now dating is practically all I can think about!
2) If my newest crush doesn't resolve itself in the next couple of weeks, would pursuing it be unwise? What kind of things should I weigh in deciding whether it's worth it to confess, and/or what kind of flirty things can I do without turning into a creep or desperate girl? Conversely, are there any subtle signals I could be on the lookout for myself, or is that just a dangerous business? (Assuming, of course, that I'm even more unlikely than usual to be asked out or blatantly flirted with first, given that the guys I'm meeting are presumably motivated not to creep out their free English teacher.)
It is very, very likely that some or all of these slightly older guys are eager to hang out and talk with early-20s female you because they are interested in dating young women like you. Have you experienced a similar level of interest in language exchange from women? If not why not?
If you would prefer to avoid this whole ambiguous/creepy "platonic friends" situation and skip to one on one chats with guys who are definitely interested in dating you, why don't you just sign up on a dating website? It's OK to want something short-term.
As for what to do about your crush, if you want to pursue it you can just tell him that you think he's cute during one of your platonic language exchange meetings.
posted by steinwald at 8:43 AM on April 5, 2013 [1 favorite]
If you would prefer to avoid this whole ambiguous/creepy "platonic friends" situation and skip to one on one chats with guys who are definitely interested in dating you, why don't you just sign up on a dating website? It's OK to want something short-term.
As for what to do about your crush, if you want to pursue it you can just tell him that you think he's cute during one of your platonic language exchange meetings.
posted by steinwald at 8:43 AM on April 5, 2013 [1 favorite]
Best answer: If you haven't done much of any dating up to this point, it's possible you just were a late bloomer and your hormones are responding to having been kick-started. And that is perfectly alright. The only time a problem comes in isn't about what you think, it is about how the things that you think make you behave.
Say you are secretly in the back of your mind scoping out potential language partners as possible dates, but then you meet them and it doesn't click. If you respond to this situation by shrugging and saying "Oh well, they were still good to talk with and they were decent people, so I'll still keep the language thing up with them and it's good to have a friend," then you're gold. If you you keep setting up a series of potential "language partners that could be dates" but then never calling them again if they turn out to not be dating material, that's kinda sucky.
It is kind of wise to be cautious about how to navigate "signals" in a totally different culture that you're not used to. Although, since you say you're also leaving so soon, this may be a good opportunity to do some sort of form of "practice dating" - practicing being vivacious and social and gracious even though in the back of your head you want to jump the guy's bones and it's making you all nervous. That's a learned skill, actually, and a lot of people have trouble with that.
So don't worry about the fact that you're getting crushes on these guys, or that you're secretly deep down wondering if "wow, maybe he could be someone I could date if I'm lucky." It sounds like the one situation you've actually carried it through to dating you played it right - you both took your time, you both made sure when you were and weren't on the same page, and you handled things amicably - so your instincts about that are right. Just keep doing what you're doing - you're fine.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:45 AM on April 5, 2013 [4 favorites]
Say you are secretly in the back of your mind scoping out potential language partners as possible dates, but then you meet them and it doesn't click. If you respond to this situation by shrugging and saying "Oh well, they were still good to talk with and they were decent people, so I'll still keep the language thing up with them and it's good to have a friend," then you're gold. If you you keep setting up a series of potential "language partners that could be dates" but then never calling them again if they turn out to not be dating material, that's kinda sucky.
It is kind of wise to be cautious about how to navigate "signals" in a totally different culture that you're not used to. Although, since you say you're also leaving so soon, this may be a good opportunity to do some sort of form of "practice dating" - practicing being vivacious and social and gracious even though in the back of your head you want to jump the guy's bones and it's making you all nervous. That's a learned skill, actually, and a lot of people have trouble with that.
So don't worry about the fact that you're getting crushes on these guys, or that you're secretly deep down wondering if "wow, maybe he could be someone I could date if I'm lucky." It sounds like the one situation you've actually carried it through to dating you played it right - you both took your time, you both made sure when you were and weren't on the same page, and you handled things amicably - so your instincts about that are right. Just keep doing what you're doing - you're fine.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:45 AM on April 5, 2013 [4 favorites]
Well the common joke with language exchange is that the guys do it as a way to find foreign girls to date. As a matter of fact, one of my favorite Spanish language podcasts is done by a couple who met in exactly that way.
As long as you are in fact doing the whole 30 minutes in Korean 30 minutes in English thing then you are fulfilling the social expectations of a language exchange. I wouldn't worry, and I also wouldn't flirt during exchange time. I'd call him up beforehand and explicitly ask to meet for a date. That avoids the creep factor.
posted by chainsofreedom at 8:57 AM on April 5, 2013 [1 favorite]
As long as you are in fact doing the whole 30 minutes in Korean 30 minutes in English thing then you are fulfilling the social expectations of a language exchange. I wouldn't worry, and I also wouldn't flirt during exchange time. I'd call him up beforehand and explicitly ask to meet for a date. That avoids the creep factor.
posted by chainsofreedom at 8:57 AM on April 5, 2013 [1 favorite]
A language exchange is not a teacher/student relationship. I think you're completely in the clear here.
posted by tiger tiger at 8:58 AM on April 5, 2013 [4 favorites]
posted by tiger tiger at 8:58 AM on April 5, 2013 [4 favorites]
Well, as I am currently dating a woman I met through a language exchange (I would be comparable to the guys in your question, she is visiting America) I think this is fine :)
No one is getting paid, as tiger tiger says it's not a teacher/student relationship or anything like that. Its just two people talking, and people form friendships and relationships this way all the time. Simply asking someone on a date or something in that scenario does not seem at all weird to me. The absolute worst case really is that you stop doing exchange with that person, but most likely you will either have a date or a polite refusal followed by continued exchange.
Of course as EmpressCallipygos says dating signals cross-culture can be difficult. I later learned my girlfriend did not actually realize I was asking her on a date the first time, but each time we had any sort of misunderstanding we just talked it out and that went fine. In some ways I think this can be good --- you can't really take anything for granted, so the best idea is for both people to be honest and upfront about what they want. Ideally people should always do this, but in same-culture relationships people get nervous and try to guess what the other person wants or means. Being so upfront can be a little scary, but again remember the worst case here is some person in a country you won't even be in forever thinks you're a little strange. If they like you, a nice person is going to realize the situation and forgive any little mistakes.
posted by wildcrdj at 9:05 PM on April 5, 2013
No one is getting paid, as tiger tiger says it's not a teacher/student relationship or anything like that. Its just two people talking, and people form friendships and relationships this way all the time. Simply asking someone on a date or something in that scenario does not seem at all weird to me. The absolute worst case really is that you stop doing exchange with that person, but most likely you will either have a date or a polite refusal followed by continued exchange.
Of course as EmpressCallipygos says dating signals cross-culture can be difficult. I later learned my girlfriend did not actually realize I was asking her on a date the first time, but each time we had any sort of misunderstanding we just talked it out and that went fine. In some ways I think this can be good --- you can't really take anything for granted, so the best idea is for both people to be honest and upfront about what they want. Ideally people should always do this, but in same-culture relationships people get nervous and try to guess what the other person wants or means. Being so upfront can be a little scary, but again remember the worst case here is some person in a country you won't even be in forever thinks you're a little strange. If they like you, a nice person is going to realize the situation and forgive any little mistakes.
posted by wildcrdj at 9:05 PM on April 5, 2013
This thread is closed to new comments.
You are in your early 20s--this is THE best time for you to be capricious and impulsive with your love life! Or lust life! Or flirt life! Or whatever!
You're only going to look creepy or desperate if you act creepy or desperate. Asking someone out when you're attracted to them, as long as you do it in a safe place and drop it if they're not interested, is not creepy or desperate. It shows that you're attracted to the other person and confident enough to admit it.
So go have fun. (Even better that you're leaving in a few weeks, because then there's no pressure for it to be A Thing! Consider it a st-elmos-fire-flirts-to-win test run.)
posted by phunniemee at 8:41 AM on April 5, 2013 [10 favorites]