Low sex drive and ED with new girlfriend
April 3, 2013 1:09 AM Subscribe
I dated a girl for 9 years, and we broke up last year. I now have a new girlfriend and we are both very much in love. However, my libido has all but disappeared and we are unable to have sex without great difficulty. I need advice on why this has happened and how I can address it. Thank you.
I'll try to keep this very concise, but will probably fail. Please bear with me.
I had the same girlfriend (my first serious girlfriend) for the previous nine years. For the last two years we lived together. Sex was never a 'problem' - it came naturally. Towards the end of the relationship it was clear we needed to break up - passions were dying, lives moving in different directions, etc. We broke up five months ago.
I dated a little, and then for the past month started going out with a wonderful girl who I have fallen head over heels in love with. We are both very much in love, and our relationship is absolutely fantastic. However, it became clear on our very first 'intimate' encounter that something in me isn't functioning correctly. I couldn't get an erection AT ALL on our first sexual encounter. Since then we have managed to have 'full sex' (i.e. penetration until I orgasm) only twice.
Obviously this is really bothering me - I was completely shocked with my own body's failure, and I still am. I thought that after we had had sex once it would go away, that it was just nerves, but it is not going away. I notice that my sex drive is also very low - including my desire to masturbate and those random flashes of horniness; all much less common now.
I have tried a few pills, and although they usually 'work' to produce erection, it's not addressing any root cause, and therefore not helping at all really. My sex drive is still low, and it takes me a long time to orgasm because I'm not really that 'into it'. I also take vitamins, including zinc. I've tried L-Arginine, yohimbe, etc. No supplements seem to make any difference.
I really want this relationship to work, and for it to fail because my usually high sex drive has suddenly decided to decline would be maddening.
I love my girlfriend, and find her very attractive, but my libido is failing. Is this my body reeling from my past break up? Is it nerves with a new girlfriend? What can I do to reclaim my previously high sex drive?
Please help!
I'll try to keep this very concise, but will probably fail. Please bear with me.
I had the same girlfriend (my first serious girlfriend) for the previous nine years. For the last two years we lived together. Sex was never a 'problem' - it came naturally. Towards the end of the relationship it was clear we needed to break up - passions were dying, lives moving in different directions, etc. We broke up five months ago.
I dated a little, and then for the past month started going out with a wonderful girl who I have fallen head over heels in love with. We are both very much in love, and our relationship is absolutely fantastic. However, it became clear on our very first 'intimate' encounter that something in me isn't functioning correctly. I couldn't get an erection AT ALL on our first sexual encounter. Since then we have managed to have 'full sex' (i.e. penetration until I orgasm) only twice.
Obviously this is really bothering me - I was completely shocked with my own body's failure, and I still am. I thought that after we had had sex once it would go away, that it was just nerves, but it is not going away. I notice that my sex drive is also very low - including my desire to masturbate and those random flashes of horniness; all much less common now.
I have tried a few pills, and although they usually 'work' to produce erection, it's not addressing any root cause, and therefore not helping at all really. My sex drive is still low, and it takes me a long time to orgasm because I'm not really that 'into it'. I also take vitamins, including zinc. I've tried L-Arginine, yohimbe, etc. No supplements seem to make any difference.
I really want this relationship to work, and for it to fail because my usually high sex drive has suddenly decided to decline would be maddening.
I love my girlfriend, and find her very attractive, but my libido is failing. Is this my body reeling from my past break up? Is it nerves with a new girlfriend? What can I do to reclaim my previously high sex drive?
Please help!
Seconding going to the doctor and getting some blood work done. Sounds like hypogonadism (low testosterone) to me.
posted by KingEdRa at 1:51 AM on April 3, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by KingEdRa at 1:51 AM on April 3, 2013 [3 favorites]
Also, are you taking pills for mood disorder? Many of them can cause libido alteration.
The right answer is, of course: consult your physician.
posted by seanmpuckett at 3:57 AM on April 3, 2013 [3 favorites]
The right answer is, of course: consult your physician.
posted by seanmpuckett at 3:57 AM on April 3, 2013 [3 favorites]
As well as consulting a doctor, I would have two thoughts:
1) You only had 4 months between ending your last relationship and starting this one, and you were dating a little before that, so you don't sound like you had much time just for you. Have you fully processed the ending of that relationship? Its sounds like you were clear why it ended so I'm not saying there's a huge underlying trauma, but maybe you just need a bit of time to grieve for something that represents a huge percentage of your life so far (I'm guessing you're in your 20s but I could be wrong).
2) Is the chemistry there? You like her, love her and find her attractive - it sucks but that doesn't always equate to "s/he turns me on". If your body isn't responding it could be problems with your testosterone, but it could also technically be because your body just isn't that "into it" with her.
I really don't think we listen to our bodies enough and you're right to try and find out what its trying to tell you rather than just take pills. Good luck.
posted by billiebee at 4:10 AM on April 3, 2013 [1 favorite]
1) You only had 4 months between ending your last relationship and starting this one, and you were dating a little before that, so you don't sound like you had much time just for you. Have you fully processed the ending of that relationship? Its sounds like you were clear why it ended so I'm not saying there's a huge underlying trauma, but maybe you just need a bit of time to grieve for something that represents a huge percentage of your life so far (I'm guessing you're in your 20s but I could be wrong).
2) Is the chemistry there? You like her, love her and find her attractive - it sucks but that doesn't always equate to "s/he turns me on". If your body isn't responding it could be problems with your testosterone, but it could also technically be because your body just isn't that "into it" with her.
I really don't think we listen to our bodies enough and you're right to try and find out what its trying to tell you rather than just take pills. Good luck.
posted by billiebee at 4:10 AM on April 3, 2013 [1 favorite]
Agree with talking to your doctor. It sounds chemical, not emotional, from my very limited and uneducated view. Low testosterone was the first thing that came to mind for me as well, but so did mood disorder pills. Steampuckett is bang on that some mood disorder pills can tank your libido in the way you're describing. Effexor did this to someone I was dating. Went from mega super horn dog to not really having any interest in any sex at all. The shift was unbelievable. (FWIW, his doctor added in Welbutrin to his Effexor and he went back to normal sexually PLUS his anxiety and depression improved remarkably! WIN!)
So go see your doctor. If it isn't something chemical then it will be good at least to rule that out so you know at least where to focus your attention.
Also, just out of curiosity, you say in your old relationship that "passions were dying". Could this have been related to that? How was your libido during your single months?
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 5:01 AM on April 3, 2013 [1 favorite]
So go see your doctor. If it isn't something chemical then it will be good at least to rule that out so you know at least where to focus your attention.
Also, just out of curiosity, you say in your old relationship that "passions were dying". Could this have been related to that? How was your libido during your single months?
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 5:01 AM on April 3, 2013 [1 favorite]
You're ten years older now than when you started the last relationship so you're expecting to respond like a man ten years younger than you are now. Maybe it's time to come to terms with that. Maybe you need to work on your fitness level.
P.S. those are women, not girls.
posted by zadcat at 5:07 AM on April 3, 2013 [7 favorites]
P.S. those are women, not girls.
posted by zadcat at 5:07 AM on April 3, 2013 [7 favorites]
I can recommend a couple of things.
1.) Yes, go to see a urologist about this. Don't be shy while there; whatever problem you've got, they've likely seen it. They've heard it all. Tell him/her everything. Whatever the problem, it might actually just be a temporary thing.
2.) Are you exercising? If not, you should be. As men get older, testosterone and muscle mass decrease. Aerobic exercise will help with your mood (which does impact libido) and some sort of weight training will help with testosterone. If nothing else, it will help with self-confidence.
BTW: Those supplements you mentioned will not help. Yohimbe is garbage. I recommend that you stop buying that, specifically.
posted by PsuDab93 at 6:23 AM on April 3, 2013
1.) Yes, go to see a urologist about this. Don't be shy while there; whatever problem you've got, they've likely seen it. They've heard it all. Tell him/her everything. Whatever the problem, it might actually just be a temporary thing.
2.) Are you exercising? If not, you should be. As men get older, testosterone and muscle mass decrease. Aerobic exercise will help with your mood (which does impact libido) and some sort of weight training will help with testosterone. If nothing else, it will help with self-confidence.
BTW: Those supplements you mentioned will not help. Yohimbe is garbage. I recommend that you stop buying that, specifically.
posted by PsuDab93 at 6:23 AM on April 3, 2013
Response by poster: Many thanks for responses. To address some of them:
I went to see a doctor a few weeks ago about it. As soon as he found out that I came out of a long relationship some months ago he decided that everything was related to that, and that I was "on the road to recovery" and he offered nothing else.
I am on no medication, and I am an otherwise athletic, active, and healthy 27 year old. The pills I tried were Cialis.
It was a traumatic break up, just because it was a massive part of my life as you say. But I feel ready for a new relationship - but clearly some part of me is not ready.
I agree that I should go back and see another doctor, and try to get blood tests done. I agree that all my symptoms point to low testosterone. I made another appointment today.
Regarding my sex drive at the end of the previous relationship - it was still very high despite passion dying. I just meant our love for each other was dying - my sex drive was still high.
During my single months my sex drive went up and down, and then it seemed to plummet a bit a few weeks before I got into my present relationship and it wont seem to come back.
It is not related to being 10 years older - I am fully aware of the natural tendency for sex drive to drop- but it does not naturally disappear over the course of a few weeks. Also I'm aware they are 'women, not girls', thanks...
posted by lichen at 6:26 AM on April 3, 2013 [1 favorite]
I went to see a doctor a few weeks ago about it. As soon as he found out that I came out of a long relationship some months ago he decided that everything was related to that, and that I was "on the road to recovery" and he offered nothing else.
I am on no medication, and I am an otherwise athletic, active, and healthy 27 year old. The pills I tried were Cialis.
It was a traumatic break up, just because it was a massive part of my life as you say. But I feel ready for a new relationship - but clearly some part of me is not ready.
I agree that I should go back and see another doctor, and try to get blood tests done. I agree that all my symptoms point to low testosterone. I made another appointment today.
Regarding my sex drive at the end of the previous relationship - it was still very high despite passion dying. I just meant our love for each other was dying - my sex drive was still high.
During my single months my sex drive went up and down, and then it seemed to plummet a bit a few weeks before I got into my present relationship and it wont seem to come back.
It is not related to being 10 years older - I am fully aware of the natural tendency for sex drive to drop- but it does not naturally disappear over the course of a few weeks. Also I'm aware they are 'women, not girls', thanks...
posted by lichen at 6:26 AM on April 3, 2013 [1 favorite]
You're ten years older now than when you started the last relationship so you're expecting to respond like a man ten years younger than you are now. Maybe it's time to come to terms with that. Maybe you need to work on your fitness level.
Zadcat: you didn't read his situation correctly - he's not comparing his libido he had with his girl 10 years ago, he's comparing it to the situation that rather suddenly arose less than 1 year ago with the new girl. He didn't have this low libido problem at the end of the 9 year relationship with his ex-GF.
OP, don't dismiss this as part of aging - sexual performance is an important part of medical health, and should be diagnosed by a medical specialist as others have suggested.
posted by Kruger5 at 6:54 AM on April 3, 2013 [2 favorites]
Zadcat: you didn't read his situation correctly - he's not comparing his libido he had with his girl 10 years ago, he's comparing it to the situation that rather suddenly arose less than 1 year ago with the new girl. He didn't have this low libido problem at the end of the 9 year relationship with his ex-GF.
OP, don't dismiss this as part of aging - sexual performance is an important part of medical health, and should be diagnosed by a medical specialist as others have suggested.
posted by Kruger5 at 6:54 AM on April 3, 2013 [2 favorites]
I am going to go with this being mental/emotional. Perhaps you don't feel as comfortable/confident yet with a new person, and this is understandable. Please don't rush to judgement on things like Low-T or ED. Performance anxiety is a big thing too.
posted by eas98 at 9:43 AM on April 3, 2013
posted by eas98 at 9:43 AM on April 3, 2013
See another doctor. Even if it is "just in your head" - that's a problem! That a doctor can (maybe) help you with.
posted by ablazingsaddle at 9:53 AM on April 3, 2013
posted by ablazingsaddle at 9:53 AM on April 3, 2013
Are you a smoker? Mid twenties to thirties seems to be the age that libido/erection difficulties begin to manifest due to smoking.
posted by tenaciousmoon at 10:35 AM on April 3, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by tenaciousmoon at 10:35 AM on April 3, 2013 [1 favorite]
You should not be going to a regular doctor if there isn't anything wrong. You should be going to a sexual therapist or similar doctor. They have much more experience is sexual problems and can offer much better advice and help if there is nothing "medically" wrong. They can also help you discover if there is something medically wrong.
I also agree that you may need time. Nine years is a long time to be with one person. That's where seeing a specialist may help.
posted by Crystalinne at 12:10 PM on April 3, 2013
I also agree that you may need time. Nine years is a long time to be with one person. That's where seeing a specialist may help.
posted by Crystalinne at 12:10 PM on April 3, 2013
Did you take Finasteride (Proscar, Propecia) recently? Some men have reported problems with ED and libido even after stopping the drug.
posted by quince at 1:01 PM on April 3, 2013
posted by quince at 1:01 PM on April 3, 2013
Performance anxiety is a big thing too.
OP also experiences this without a partner, though. Anyway, to follow up on the response, plummeting libido and trouble getting an erection in a healthy, active 27-year-old is definitely not just a normal part of aging.
The supplements are pure snake oil - placebos at best, dangerous unregulated chemical soups at worst. Drop them and, as you are planning, see a doctor.
posted by en forme de poire at 6:31 PM on April 3, 2013
OP also experiences this without a partner, though. Anyway, to follow up on the response, plummeting libido and trouble getting an erection in a healthy, active 27-year-old is definitely not just a normal part of aging.
The supplements are pure snake oil - placebos at best, dangerous unregulated chemical soups at worst. Drop them and, as you are planning, see a doctor.
posted by en forme de poire at 6:31 PM on April 3, 2013
Response by poster: Thanks again to you all.
No, I've never taken any of the listed drugs, or been on any sort of psychological medication. As I said, I'm normally very healthy in mind and body, which is why this is such a shock to me. I've now stopped all crazy supplements - I just take multivitamins and cod liver oil, which I've always taken.
I think that the suggestion that I am still 'reeling' from the breakdown of my first big relationship is probably correct, but I will still go back to the doctor to get blood tests done anyway.
Has anyone here ever been through something similar? If it is a psychological thing, and I am fully in love with a new partner, I wonder how long it will/should take to just return to normal naturally without any form of medical intervention or counselling... I really wish it would just return. I think relaxation (during sexual activities but also at all other times) is probably key... so I am trying to work on this aspect.
posted by lichen at 2:11 AM on April 4, 2013
No, I've never taken any of the listed drugs, or been on any sort of psychological medication. As I said, I'm normally very healthy in mind and body, which is why this is such a shock to me. I've now stopped all crazy supplements - I just take multivitamins and cod liver oil, which I've always taken.
I think that the suggestion that I am still 'reeling' from the breakdown of my first big relationship is probably correct, but I will still go back to the doctor to get blood tests done anyway.
Has anyone here ever been through something similar? If it is a psychological thing, and I am fully in love with a new partner, I wonder how long it will/should take to just return to normal naturally without any form of medical intervention or counselling... I really wish it would just return. I think relaxation (during sexual activities but also at all other times) is probably key... so I am trying to work on this aspect.
posted by lichen at 2:11 AM on April 4, 2013
One last thought - have you tried a bit of reverse psychology? When you mention needing to be more relaxed, how about deciding on a week or two of abstinence so you don't need to worry about performance for a while. If your new SO agrees, say you'll be doing nothing more than kissing for a while and there will be no sexual contact. As well as easing the pressure, the old "But we're not supposed to be doing this..." part of the brain might be activated...
posted by billiebee at 2:16 AM on April 4, 2013
posted by billiebee at 2:16 AM on April 4, 2013
Response by poster: billiebee, that actually sounds like a really good idea. I will talk to her.
posted by lichen at 7:32 AM on April 4, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by lichen at 7:32 AM on April 4, 2013 [1 favorite]
I'm wondering how this ended up getting resolved. You asked whether anyone has ever been through something similar - I'm going something similar right now, I think. I fell head over heels in love with a girl, more than I ever have with anyone else, but when it comes to sex, I have not been able to get an erection. Further, since I've started having erection issues, I've also felt like my sex drive is very low, and that all feelings of pleasure are much weaker (honestly it feels like someone took my heart out of my chest too). This has been going on for 2+ months, and I've gone to see both the doctor and urologist who said it was all emotional, which I was in denial about at first but now I have to concede that it must be. So I'm just wondering how your situation turned out, as it might perhaps give me some insight on my own. Thanks, and hope you are well.
posted by flame22 at 8:00 PM on March 1, 2014
posted by flame22 at 8:00 PM on March 1, 2014
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Vitamin D might help in the meantime.
posted by Monday at 1:39 AM on April 3, 2013 [4 favorites]