Might lose my girlfriend over sexual problems
March 17, 2013 8:03 PM Subscribe
I'll try to keep this as short and as informative as I can. I posted on here a little while ago about some sexual problems I've been having, mainly being about struggling to get and/or maintain an erection. Unfortunately instead of getting better things have only gotten worse.
I'm a 25 year old virgin, and I'm normally quite shy when it comes to sexual experiences. I've had very few in my lifetime, and anything in the past was never much more then just a bit of touching. I've been with my girlfriend for almost 4 months now, and about a month or so ago I posted about losing my erection while in the middle of oral sex. Now it freaked me out a bit because nothing like this has ever happened to me before, and in the weeks that followed I was able to achieve my erection and received oral sex from my girlfriend and successfully had an orgasm.
However over the weekend we planned an amazing, romantic evening together that was to end with us having sex. After being excited and very much turned on for the entire night, as soon as it came time to put myself inside it, you guessed it, I went soft again and was unable to achieve an erection for the rest of the night. The first time it happened my girlfriend was very upset, as was I, but we were able to work through it. However this time she's become even more upset because it happened again, and now is starting to question whether or not we can be together, because she feels sex is a very strong and bonding connector. I told her I would do anything for her to figure out what's wrong, if anything and to solve the problem.
I've gone to the doctor once already, but intend on going back. I've had blood tests that showed everything was normal and that I should be functioning normally. I'm hoping to maybe get a few additional tests and see if I can go to therapy to find out what could be going on. This has become increasingly stressful and the anxiety is becoming unbearable. I couldn't bear the thought of losing my girlfriend, I love her more than anything in the world.
Has anyone ever experienced this before? Any advice, stories, anything would be greatly appreciated. Thanks to everyone for reading this.
I'm a 25 year old virgin, and I'm normally quite shy when it comes to sexual experiences. I've had very few in my lifetime, and anything in the past was never much more then just a bit of touching. I've been with my girlfriend for almost 4 months now, and about a month or so ago I posted about losing my erection while in the middle of oral sex. Now it freaked me out a bit because nothing like this has ever happened to me before, and in the weeks that followed I was able to achieve my erection and received oral sex from my girlfriend and successfully had an orgasm.
However over the weekend we planned an amazing, romantic evening together that was to end with us having sex. After being excited and very much turned on for the entire night, as soon as it came time to put myself inside it, you guessed it, I went soft again and was unable to achieve an erection for the rest of the night. The first time it happened my girlfriend was very upset, as was I, but we were able to work through it. However this time she's become even more upset because it happened again, and now is starting to question whether or not we can be together, because she feels sex is a very strong and bonding connector. I told her I would do anything for her to figure out what's wrong, if anything and to solve the problem.
I've gone to the doctor once already, but intend on going back. I've had blood tests that showed everything was normal and that I should be functioning normally. I'm hoping to maybe get a few additional tests and see if I can go to therapy to find out what could be going on. This has become increasingly stressful and the anxiety is becoming unbearable. I couldn't bear the thought of losing my girlfriend, I love her more than anything in the world.
Has anyone ever experienced this before? Any advice, stories, anything would be greatly appreciated. Thanks to everyone for reading this.
It's anxiety and your girlfriend is making it worse by putting pressure on you. If she can't understand that you may be better off without her.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 8:11 PM on March 17, 2013 [38 favorites]
posted by treehorn+bunny at 8:11 PM on March 17, 2013 [38 favorites]
Her pressuring you isn't going to help things. Your pressuring yourself isn't going to help things.
May I suggest Scarleteen.com as a resource that might have some useful information for you?
posted by Sidhedevil at 8:12 PM on March 17, 2013 [4 favorites]
May I suggest Scarleteen.com as a resource that might have some useful information for you?
posted by Sidhedevil at 8:12 PM on March 17, 2013 [4 favorites]
This is absolutely 100% because of anxitey. You and your girlfriend need to understand that, and you both need to stop having events centered on sex. Stop PLANNING sex, stop EXPECTING orgasm, and definitely stop getting upset when it doesn't happen. At this point, your mantra should be "whatever happens makes us happy" and ENJOY every second of touching, kissing, caressing. And then NEVER BE UPSET if it needs to stop. You can get through this, but you need to put the brakes on the pressure. No expectations, no anxiety.
Agreed that your girlfriend wanting to break up with you and pressuring you over this is a red flag.
posted by two lights above the sea at 8:20 PM on March 17, 2013 [4 favorites]
Agreed that your girlfriend wanting to break up with you and pressuring you over this is a red flag.
posted by two lights above the sea at 8:20 PM on March 17, 2013 [4 favorites]
Your exact circumstances, no - but flaccidity during or around sex, yes, absolutely. Its happened to me twice, both times were right around when my wife and I were trying for kids. I just counted them, we have two kids. The point is, it was a really big deal to consciously decide to have kids. It took some getting used to.
I would imagine that having sex for the first time is pretty stressful and has a metric ton of implications for you as well. There are social pressures, romantic pressures, parental pressures (perhaps they told you to wait forever), potentially religious pressures, and all kinds of internal pressures that make this a lot bigger than you may realize.
First off, its okay for this to happen. Its also okay to reassure your girlfriend that you love her and that she is attractive to you - because she doesn't understand that it is the anxiety about this that is causing problems. Instead, she may think it is her.
Sex is intimacy, but it sounds like the two of you aren't being intimate enough with yourselves or each other right now - and that is the part that is more than likely amplifying your anxiety.
posted by Nanukthedog at 8:20 PM on March 17, 2013 [7 favorites]
I would imagine that having sex for the first time is pretty stressful and has a metric ton of implications for you as well. There are social pressures, romantic pressures, parental pressures (perhaps they told you to wait forever), potentially religious pressures, and all kinds of internal pressures that make this a lot bigger than you may realize.
First off, its okay for this to happen. Its also okay to reassure your girlfriend that you love her and that she is attractive to you - because she doesn't understand that it is the anxiety about this that is causing problems. Instead, she may think it is her.
Sex is intimacy, but it sounds like the two of you aren't being intimate enough with yourselves or each other right now - and that is the part that is more than likely amplifying your anxiety.
posted by Nanukthedog at 8:20 PM on March 17, 2013 [7 favorites]
Especially since you've been with her for only 4 months, and you've demonstrating that you can physically get it up and that otherwise there is nothing medically or physically wrong with you (according to you). Why she continues to pressure you when that is what is clearly at least not helping, at worst the problem itself, is unbelievable to me.
posted by two lights above the sea at 8:24 PM on March 17, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by two lights above the sea at 8:24 PM on March 17, 2013 [3 favorites]
Just sounds like anxiety to me, not a physical problem, so her pressure is making the situation worse, not better.
posted by Dansaman at 8:37 PM on March 17, 2013 [4 favorites]
posted by Dansaman at 8:37 PM on March 17, 2013 [4 favorites]
27 y/o dude here. I hear exactly what you're saying. I was always pretty nervous early in my sexual life, and have been nervous the first couple of times with just about all of my sexual partners.
My suggestion? Realize that sex is just something people do.
Like paying taxes. Like showing up that first day of work. Like writing your first essay. Like filing that first report. Like meeting someone new. Like trying a new food that looks dodgy on first glance. Like taking that first drink or drag.
It's a thing that might not be so great on Day 1, but that'll get better as you do it more. Don't be a perfectionist, don't put pressure on yourself to meet some imagined standard, don't get so in your head about something primal and physical.
As that famous Greek goddess says, Just do it. Just do it.
posted by charlemangy at 8:41 PM on March 17, 2013 [4 favorites]
My suggestion? Realize that sex is just something people do.
Like paying taxes. Like showing up that first day of work. Like writing your first essay. Like filing that first report. Like meeting someone new. Like trying a new food that looks dodgy on first glance. Like taking that first drink or drag.
It's a thing that might not be so great on Day 1, but that'll get better as you do it more. Don't be a perfectionist, don't put pressure on yourself to meet some imagined standard, don't get so in your head about something primal and physical.
As that famous Greek goddess says, Just do it. Just do it.
posted by charlemangy at 8:41 PM on March 17, 2013 [4 favorites]
Are you both openly communicating about this? Are you both learning together that this is a normal occurrence that many men experience? If not, that's where to start. There is a lot of cultural misinformation out there about sex and what's "normal". She may be taking this personally as a reflection of how you feel about her. There are ways to be physically intimate that could help her feel bonded while removing some of the anxiety provoking scenarios that are making things difficult for you. Getting to a place where that's fulfilling for both of you requires a lot of clear communication.
posted by quince at 8:43 PM on March 17, 2013
posted by quince at 8:43 PM on March 17, 2013
It will stop happening as soon as it doesn't matter whether it happens or not.
Conversely, the bigger the deal you both make out of it, the more you'll find yourself contending with it. It's a Chinese Finger Puzzle, and your girlfriend is pulling in the wrong direction.
You don't need a doctor or therapy. You just need to relax. Contrary to the popular wisdom, males do not instantly become rock-hard in the presence of females. It's not realistic to expect your body to respond that way. Being nervous is not conducive to sexytime.
posted by Sing Or Swim at 8:43 PM on March 17, 2013 [4 favorites]
Conversely, the bigger the deal you both make out of it, the more you'll find yourself contending with it. It's a Chinese Finger Puzzle, and your girlfriend is pulling in the wrong direction.
You don't need a doctor or therapy. You just need to relax. Contrary to the popular wisdom, males do not instantly become rock-hard in the presence of females. It's not realistic to expect your body to respond that way. Being nervous is not conducive to sexytime.
posted by Sing Or Swim at 8:43 PM on March 17, 2013 [4 favorites]
Nthing that the pressure is the main cause. That said, you could try one of the erection sustaining pills. This might just delay the problem further, but if you can relax about it after using a pill once or twice, it should solve itself.
posted by zug at 8:52 PM on March 17, 2013
posted by zug at 8:52 PM on March 17, 2013
Just popped in to agree with everyone else. It's anxiety, for sure.
You've proven that all the bits work, which is a relief don't you think?
I'm upset reading about how your girlfriend reacted on both occasions, I don't think it's acceptable at all for her to get upset and turn it around onto herself. I would expect that she be understanding and supportive and say words like; it's ok, it'll be alright, we can try again another time, let's just snuggle tonight, etc.
I think finding someone compassionate who will take the pressure off would make all the difference.
posted by Youremyworld at 8:55 PM on March 17, 2013 [1 favorite]
You've proven that all the bits work, which is a relief don't you think?
I'm upset reading about how your girlfriend reacted on both occasions, I don't think it's acceptable at all for her to get upset and turn it around onto herself. I would expect that she be understanding and supportive and say words like; it's ok, it'll be alright, we can try again another time, let's just snuggle tonight, etc.
I think finding someone compassionate who will take the pressure off would make all the difference.
posted by Youremyworld at 8:55 PM on March 17, 2013 [1 favorite]
I dated a guy that had this problem fairly regularly. He'd seen doctors and tried medications, might have been partly anxiety, but I just accepted it as one of his body quirks (of which I have a few of my own). It never bothered me, I don't know what on earth your girlfriend is thinking. She must be very inexperienced and ignorant about sexual matters to be saying any of that. Sex is an intimate bonding experience, so if you mess it up I'll dump you? What?
Is there any chance she's being more silent and not communicating and you are reading your fears in that, or is she actually saying that in those words?
posted by Dynex at 9:05 PM on March 17, 2013 [4 favorites]
Is there any chance she's being more silent and not communicating and you are reading your fears in that, or is she actually saying that in those words?
posted by Dynex at 9:05 PM on March 17, 2013 [4 favorites]
Take off the pressure. Go back to oral and hands and decide that you're going to stick to those for at least a week or two, so you don't feel stressed every time you're intimate. Then, instead of planning out a big night and having a huge lead-up, just pick a normal time when you usually would be doing oral/hands and added in PIV sex. If it happens again, don't make a big deal out of it, switch back to oral/hands.
I've been the woman in this situation and before it happened, I would have thought it was the most awkward thing ever. When it actually did happen, it wasn't a big deal. He was frustrated, but made it clear that it happens sometimes and that he had been enjoying himself very much before this. I made it clear that it was okay, I wasn't judging him and I was willing to try other things or snuggle or try again later. We probably tried to have PIV sex two or three times before we were successful and it was frustrating but not a big deal.
Your girlfriend might be feeling like this is her fault for not being good enough or hot enough to keep you hard and that's why she's reacting badly. I would reassure her that you are enjoying yourself and it's not her, it's stress. On her part, she should be understanding that you don't have control over this and you can bond in other ways and putting more pressure on you can only make it worse.
posted by raeka at 9:12 PM on March 17, 2013 [1 favorite]
I've been the woman in this situation and before it happened, I would have thought it was the most awkward thing ever. When it actually did happen, it wasn't a big deal. He was frustrated, but made it clear that it happens sometimes and that he had been enjoying himself very much before this. I made it clear that it was okay, I wasn't judging him and I was willing to try other things or snuggle or try again later. We probably tried to have PIV sex two or three times before we were successful and it was frustrating but not a big deal.
Your girlfriend might be feeling like this is her fault for not being good enough or hot enough to keep you hard and that's why she's reacting badly. I would reassure her that you are enjoying yourself and it's not her, it's stress. On her part, she should be understanding that you don't have control over this and you can bond in other ways and putting more pressure on you can only make it worse.
posted by raeka at 9:12 PM on March 17, 2013 [1 favorite]
Stop making sex this big thing, something to do at the end of a big, romantic night. It's too much pressure. Keep trying. You'll eventually get out of your head when you least expect it.
She doesn't own your hardons and she doesn't rule your orgasms. Just as if she was unable to cum for whatever reason, all you can do is do your best. It's no one's fault. It just is. Make sure you do everything she needs you to do to make her cum (oral, digital...whatever) and then just move on.
posted by inturnaround at 9:18 PM on March 17, 2013 [1 favorite]
She doesn't own your hardons and she doesn't rule your orgasms. Just as if she was unable to cum for whatever reason, all you can do is do your best. It's no one's fault. It just is. Make sure you do everything she needs you to do to make her cum (oral, digital...whatever) and then just move on.
posted by inturnaround at 9:18 PM on March 17, 2013 [1 favorite]
This seems to be an internal issue on your part. Something inside your head is shortcircuiting and preventing you from enjoying yourself and your girlfriend as much as you would like. Absent physical externalities, this is hard to approach from a problem solving mindset, when it is not your own mind/equipment. Therefore, it is completely understandable for your girlfriend to be questioning EVERYTHING, including herself, and the relationship, all the tangible factors she has.
This is your problem, however, not hers. She's just showing frustration at her own inability to address it. If you don't want to lose her over this, make clear your will to address it, and emphasize, if possible, how much everything else you two do together serves to emphasize and solidify the bond and strength of your connection.
So, first, planning is death. NO sexy sex times with an expiration date and expectations. Second. Explore other avenues of orgasm, apart from oral...masturbation with assistance etc. It sounds like you just need to break through your own mental barriers a bit more to get with the charlamangy school of just doing it.
Finally, take it as a meandering journey, not a do or die objective. On your meanderings, make sure your girlfriend gets as much pleasure and thumping orgasms as she's willing to have, and always ALWAYS tell her how much you appreciate her, and her patience, as much as you can.
posted by Cold Lurkey at 9:37 PM on March 17, 2013
This is your problem, however, not hers. She's just showing frustration at her own inability to address it. If you don't want to lose her over this, make clear your will to address it, and emphasize, if possible, how much everything else you two do together serves to emphasize and solidify the bond and strength of your connection.
So, first, planning is death. NO sexy sex times with an expiration date and expectations. Second. Explore other avenues of orgasm, apart from oral...masturbation with assistance etc. It sounds like you just need to break through your own mental barriers a bit more to get with the charlamangy school of just doing it.
Finally, take it as a meandering journey, not a do or die objective. On your meanderings, make sure your girlfriend gets as much pleasure and thumping orgasms as she's willing to have, and always ALWAYS tell her how much you appreciate her, and her patience, as much as you can.
posted by Cold Lurkey at 9:37 PM on March 17, 2013
You need a new girlfriend, end of story.
posted by NYC-BB at 9:45 PM on March 17, 2013 [6 favorites]
posted by NYC-BB at 9:45 PM on March 17, 2013 [6 favorites]
You and gf need to be kind to yourselves and each other. This is not her fault. It is not your fault. It is probably from anxiety, which both of you are amping up to 11.
Instead of fixating on "we will achieve X" for boner values of X, instead just focus on the pleasure of kissing and touching. Enjoy being naked with each other, with caressing each other. In fact, why not just take sex entirely off the menu for a few weeks, to force yourselves to enjoy how wonderful everything else is?
When you can be happy together in bed without worrying, that's when you'll be able to do everything again.
posted by zippy at 10:06 PM on March 17, 2013 [2 favorites]
Instead of fixating on "we will achieve X" for boner values of X, instead just focus on the pleasure of kissing and touching. Enjoy being naked with each other, with caressing each other. In fact, why not just take sex entirely off the menu for a few weeks, to force yourselves to enjoy how wonderful everything else is?
When you can be happy together in bed without worrying, that's when you'll be able to do everything again.
posted by zippy at 10:06 PM on March 17, 2013 [2 favorites]
You don't need a new girlfriend!
What you need is a little blue pill to help you over this stigma you have.
Dude. I NEVER advise people get prescriptions her on AskMe. NEVER.
Your situation, however, screams for a little helper to help you get over this hump (pun intended:)
No really. Get a prescription. Shag the daylights out of your GF.
Enjoy.
(Were I your GF, I would be freaked out, too. Just see a doctor again. You'll be OK once you have sex a few times. It'll be alright.)
posted by jbenben at 10:25 PM on March 17, 2013 [3 favorites]
What you need is a little blue pill to help you over this stigma you have.
Dude. I NEVER advise people get prescriptions her on AskMe. NEVER.
Your situation, however, screams for a little helper to help you get over this hump (pun intended:)
No really. Get a prescription. Shag the daylights out of your GF.
Enjoy.
(Were I your GF, I would be freaked out, too. Just see a doctor again. You'll be OK once you have sex a few times. It'll be alright.)
posted by jbenben at 10:25 PM on March 17, 2013 [3 favorites]
1) you are not a virgin. Oral sex is sex. So, stop freaking out.
2) you are functioning normally. Loosing an erection is normal. Your dick is not inflatable and can get hard and soft at your command.
3) your girlfriend is questioning whether you can even be together because you got soft twice, TWICE!
If you are having trouble, relax. Don't have goal-oriented sex. Just hang out naked and enjoy each other. If you end up fucking her, great. If not, well you still had fun. If you need a little help, cockrings work great for many people.
But, I might be inclined to fuck someone with a little more empathy and less histrionics.
posted by munchingzombie at 10:35 PM on March 17, 2013 [5 favorites]
2) you are functioning normally. Loosing an erection is normal. Your dick is not inflatable and can get hard and soft at your command.
3) your girlfriend is questioning whether you can even be together because you got soft twice, TWICE!
If you are having trouble, relax. Don't have goal-oriented sex. Just hang out naked and enjoy each other. If you end up fucking her, great. If not, well you still had fun. If you need a little help, cockrings work great for many people.
But, I might be inclined to fuck someone with a little more empathy and less histrionics.
posted by munchingzombie at 10:35 PM on March 17, 2013 [5 favorites]
This is going to be unconventional, but I'm going suggest 1 or 2 drinks before sex (or whatever gives you a light buzz). Heavy drinking is definitely a big no, and will only lead to more problems in this area. But moderate drinking, at least from personal experience, might give you the small bump to get over your anxiety. I don't suggest this lightly, but given your difficulties it's worth a try. (I'm almost certain I've heard Dan Savage give this advice before, if that carries any weight with you).
posted by murfed13 at 10:56 PM on March 17, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by murfed13 at 10:56 PM on March 17, 2013 [1 favorite]
I hope that you are also attending to your girlfriend's physical needs -- including manual and oral stimulation, etc. Perhaps taking the attention away from getting you off, and focusing on getting her off, will relieve the pressure on you for a while and give her something else to focus on?
posted by croutonsupafreak at 11:21 PM on March 17, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by croutonsupafreak at 11:21 PM on March 17, 2013 [1 favorite]
You're in a relationship, you're not having a one-night stand.
Just get naked as much as humanly possible with each other and have some fun. Once you relax, and once she relaxes, things will go much better for you both.
Think sensuality.
posted by heyjude at 11:32 PM on March 17, 2013
Just get naked as much as humanly possible with each other and have some fun. Once you relax, and once she relaxes, things will go much better for you both.
Think sensuality.
posted by heyjude at 11:32 PM on March 17, 2013
Once you get hard, stop the foreplay, lube up and stick it in. Then you can both say you've done it and both can get over the anxiety and pressure of having to do it special the first time.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 11:43 PM on March 17, 2013
posted by JohnnyGunn at 11:43 PM on March 17, 2013
Why not buy a dildo or vibrator and use that with her until your body is ready?
posted by salvia at 12:11 AM on March 18, 2013
posted by salvia at 12:11 AM on March 18, 2013
Go read my answer to your last question. Same exact answer, word for word.
posted by Defenestrator at 12:47 AM on March 18, 2013
posted by Defenestrator at 12:47 AM on March 18, 2013
You need a new girlfriend not because of the physical issues -- those are likely tied to anxiety, as most people have said -- but because your girlfriend is taking something that's out of your control and using it to hold you and your relationship hostage. I'm not one for the DTMFA advice, but in this case, she's grabbing that "MF" label and plastering it to her forehead with zeal.
I'd bet strongly on the whole issue going away when you don't have a manipulative partner who freaks out when things don't meet her expectations. I'd also bet that this "freakout" of hers is part of a pattern, and isn't confined to the bedroom.
posted by ellF at 3:42 AM on March 18, 2013
I'd bet strongly on the whole issue going away when you don't have a manipulative partner who freaks out when things don't meet her expectations. I'd also bet that this "freakout" of hers is part of a pattern, and isn't confined to the bedroom.
posted by ellF at 3:42 AM on March 18, 2013
Once upon a time, a grasshopper was hopping through the forest when he met a millipede. The grasshopper was fascinated watching the millipede walk, his dozens of tiny legs undulating as he slithered his way across the forest floor.
"Excuse me, Mr. Millipede," said the grasshopper. "But I can't help asking... How is that you can walk, with so many legs? How do you not trip over yourself? How do you keep your legs from getting all tangled together? Please, I must know!"
The millipede considered for a moment.
"You know," he said, "I'm really not sure. To be honest, I never thought about it before."
And then he turned to go, took a single step, and landed flat on his face.
(You are the millipede.)
posted by Ursula Hitler at 3:49 AM on March 18, 2013 [5 favorites]
"Excuse me, Mr. Millipede," said the grasshopper. "But I can't help asking... How is that you can walk, with so many legs? How do you not trip over yourself? How do you keep your legs from getting all tangled together? Please, I must know!"
The millipede considered for a moment.
"You know," he said, "I'm really not sure. To be honest, I never thought about it before."
And then he turned to go, took a single step, and landed flat on his face.
(You are the millipede.)
posted by Ursula Hitler at 3:49 AM on March 18, 2013 [5 favorites]
How are you talking with her about this?
I'm a lady. But I absolutely had a dude who had planned this amazing blow-your-mind Sex Event with lots of anticipation and we were both really into each other and he thought the sex was going to be the thing that made or broke the opportunity.
Cue loss of erection.
He paused for a little bit, and then said, and I quote as nearly as I can remember, "I'm sorry. I'm just so very into you that it's making me anxious and nervous and I can't hold an erection."
That was the most mindblowing and amazing thing to hear, that level of vulnerability and honesty. And it was so attractive that we moved into cuddling and other sexy activities (not sex-focused) and then actually wound up having sex.
Own it. Dont be ashamed. You have done nothing wrong. You just really care about her and don't want to lose her. Tell her that.
posted by corb at 4:33 AM on March 18, 2013 [9 favorites]
I'm a lady. But I absolutely had a dude who had planned this amazing blow-your-mind Sex Event with lots of anticipation and we were both really into each other and he thought the sex was going to be the thing that made or broke the opportunity.
Cue loss of erection.
He paused for a little bit, and then said, and I quote as nearly as I can remember, "I'm sorry. I'm just so very into you that it's making me anxious and nervous and I can't hold an erection."
That was the most mindblowing and amazing thing to hear, that level of vulnerability and honesty. And it was so attractive that we moved into cuddling and other sexy activities (not sex-focused) and then actually wound up having sex.
Own it. Dont be ashamed. You have done nothing wrong. You just really care about her and don't want to lose her. Tell her that.
posted by corb at 4:33 AM on March 18, 2013 [9 favorites]
Stonecutter, can you go get your girlfriend? Please, just go get her and bring her to the computer, and let her read what I'm about to say?
I'll wait.
....Okay. Great. Stonecutter, go out of the room a second while she reads this.
Okay? Is he gone?
Okay - hi. Stonecutter's girlfriend, you need to get the fuck over yourself like whoa. Because the biggest reason this poor guy isn't getting hard is because you, the girlfriend, are attaching more drama to this than a flock of Glee Fans.
Okay, yeah, I know, you think that he's going soft because he doesn't like you deep down - but girl, he digs you so much he's let the doctor examine his junk to fix this for you, and he's gone on the internet and told total strangers about his dick, twice, because he was asking for help in order to make you happy.
And you are turning to that guy and saying that you want to break up with him just because he occasionally cannot have sex in this one specific way. Not that he can't ever, just occasionally. Girl, I had a guy once who couldn't ever get it up -- and you know what we did? We used the entire rest of our bodies. You are a hell of a lot more than just your vajayjay, and he is a hell of a lot more than just his dick. If all you wanted was the dick you would have just gotten a vibrator and been done with it, right? Right. But you wanted more than just a vibrator.
So stop treating this poor guy like he's just a talking vibrator, learn to value him for more than just his dick, buy a copy of The Joy of Sex and back the hell off the poor guy.
Okay, I'm done. Tell stonecutter he can come back in, and then apologize to the poor bastard because seriously.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:04 AM on March 18, 2013 [14 favorites]
I'll wait.
....Okay. Great. Stonecutter, go out of the room a second while she reads this.
Okay? Is he gone?
Okay - hi. Stonecutter's girlfriend, you need to get the fuck over yourself like whoa. Because the biggest reason this poor guy isn't getting hard is because you, the girlfriend, are attaching more drama to this than a flock of Glee Fans.
Okay, yeah, I know, you think that he's going soft because he doesn't like you deep down - but girl, he digs you so much he's let the doctor examine his junk to fix this for you, and he's gone on the internet and told total strangers about his dick, twice, because he was asking for help in order to make you happy.
And you are turning to that guy and saying that you want to break up with him just because he occasionally cannot have sex in this one specific way. Not that he can't ever, just occasionally. Girl, I had a guy once who couldn't ever get it up -- and you know what we did? We used the entire rest of our bodies. You are a hell of a lot more than just your vajayjay, and he is a hell of a lot more than just his dick. If all you wanted was the dick you would have just gotten a vibrator and been done with it, right? Right. But you wanted more than just a vibrator.
So stop treating this poor guy like he's just a talking vibrator, learn to value him for more than just his dick, buy a copy of The Joy of Sex and back the hell off the poor guy.
Okay, I'm done. Tell stonecutter he can come back in, and then apologize to the poor bastard because seriously.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:04 AM on March 18, 2013 [14 favorites]
I am a lady. The last time this happened to me (and I say the last time, because I can think of, off the top of my head, at least three dudes who have had this problem the first time we slept together, all of whom got over it eventually), the guy in question was super apologetic and I reassured him by telling him this was definitely not the first time I'd had this problem, and I would be patient and we'd get there, and so on and so forth, until he expressed his surprise that this had happened to me before, saying: "But you're so hot!" to which I said, in a fit of sex and red wine induced egomania: "Babe, it's because I'm so hot." Your girlfriend needs to realize that this is happening because she is so hot, and because you love and desire her so much.
posted by dizziest at 7:30 AM on March 18, 2013 [4 favorites]
posted by dizziest at 7:30 AM on March 18, 2013 [4 favorites]
P-in-V sex is not The Most Important Thing Men and Women Share Ever, despite what the media and religion say. Every time you both make a huge deal over not being able to keep an erection, it puts that much pressure more pressure on you for the next time. Check out Savage Love - you are not the first person to have this issue. And holy crap, your GF needs to chill out. Not everything is about you, princess, and by making a big deal about this, she's potentially blowing up your relationship.
posted by kat518 at 8:25 AM on March 18, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by kat518 at 8:25 AM on March 18, 2013 [1 favorite]
I'm a lady, I have had experience with multiple men's penises (not all at once). Dude, this is totally normal. This has happened multiple times to almost all the penises I have dealt with, even with guys I have had penis-in-vagina sex with many times already. It just happens, and you are stressing yourself out over a totally normal thing. And your girlfriend is making things seriously seriously worse for you, though I don't think she is meaning to. It probably hasn't really occurred to her that her "LETS MAKE THIS SPECIAL AND AMAZING AND PERFECT" pressure is exactly what you DON'T need. And if she is actually said she is questioning the relationship over this... dude. She is being pretty insensitive. I mean, I get her side of things, I get how this could be worrying to her as well and I get how it is probably making her feel bad about herself ("if he was more attracted to me he wouldn't have this problem") but I just think she's not helping anything. Does she really think that adding the pressure of the future of the relationship is going to help you? She is totally shooting herself (and you) in the foot (assuming she wants to keep going with the relationship and isn't just looking for an out). That kind of pressure could make a guy who has never had this issue have trouble keeping an erection. I would bet that if I told my fiance "I will break up with you if you don't get and keep an erection every time we attempt to have P-I-V sex" he would really struggle to be able to keep it up the next time we had sex.
Penises aren't magic sex toys that should always be ready for anything a girl wants. A relationship does not revolve around a penis-in-vagina sex, or at least not a healthy one. Her getting this upset with you for this (which, again, is a totally normal thing) would be like you getting upset with her for menstruating. Yes, sex brings closeness in some cases, but you guys ARE having sex. You have a sexual relationship. The fact that you haven't had P-I-V sex to completion doesn't make you a virgin or your relationship non-sexual. And hey, guess what! Sex in relationships have an ebb and flow. Sometimes a couple is mega super sexy time focus, other times it takes a bit of a backburner and the relationship is more focused on companionship or friendship. What is she going to do then? Is she okay if you get upset and consider breaking up with her every time she isn't in the mood?
Seriously dude. Problem 1 is that you're worrying about it too much. Problem 2 is your girlfriend putting so much ridiculous pressure on you. I suspect problem 2 is contributing a lot to problem 1. Both you and she need to come to terms with the fact that this happens, you are normal, and you both need to come to terms with the fact that the more emphasis you put on it and the more pressure you feel, the more difficult it is going to be to sort out.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 9:11 AM on March 18, 2013 [2 favorites]
Penises aren't magic sex toys that should always be ready for anything a girl wants. A relationship does not revolve around a penis-in-vagina sex, or at least not a healthy one. Her getting this upset with you for this (which, again, is a totally normal thing) would be like you getting upset with her for menstruating. Yes, sex brings closeness in some cases, but you guys ARE having sex. You have a sexual relationship. The fact that you haven't had P-I-V sex to completion doesn't make you a virgin or your relationship non-sexual. And hey, guess what! Sex in relationships have an ebb and flow. Sometimes a couple is mega super sexy time focus, other times it takes a bit of a backburner and the relationship is more focused on companionship or friendship. What is she going to do then? Is she okay if you get upset and consider breaking up with her every time she isn't in the mood?
Seriously dude. Problem 1 is that you're worrying about it too much. Problem 2 is your girlfriend putting so much ridiculous pressure on you. I suspect problem 2 is contributing a lot to problem 1. Both you and she need to come to terms with the fact that this happens, you are normal, and you both need to come to terms with the fact that the more emphasis you put on it and the more pressure you feel, the more difficult it is going to be to sort out.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 9:11 AM on March 18, 2013 [2 favorites]
They make pills for this now. Go back to your doctor, tell him it's anxiety and you need something to help push through it.
posted by WickedPissah at 9:21 AM on March 18, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by WickedPissah at 9:21 AM on March 18, 2013 [1 favorite]
Oh! Returning to the thread for one point:
If her "Previously" pool is primarily young guys or guys who exercise super frequently, she may never have encountered it before. She may also have a lot of baggage over "If he loved me, he would be attracted to me." You need to make it super clear to her that this really does happen to lots of guys even when they are incredibly attracted.
posted by corb at 12:22 PM on March 18, 2013
If her "Previously" pool is primarily young guys or guys who exercise super frequently, she may never have encountered it before. She may also have a lot of baggage over "If he loved me, he would be attracted to me." You need to make it super clear to her that this really does happen to lots of guys even when they are incredibly attracted.
posted by corb at 12:22 PM on March 18, 2013
I'm going to guess that your girlfriend isn't particularly sexually experienced, hence her entitled attitude toward erections. She may need some education in this regard.
What you are experiencing is so common, I consider it just a normal part of sex. I've been in the bonin' business for decades, so I speak with the authority of experience; experience which includes a range of male partners of varying age and prior sexual activity (including virgins, aging Casanovas, young men in the peak of fitness, and so on). The ones who never ever had an erection go south on us are so few in number, I'm struggling to even remember one.
I know you love your girlfriend all to pieces, but you are allowed to stand up for yourself and your right to have a complex psyche and physiology that responds to the overwhelm of intimacy in ways that aren't always predictable. Just as you would give your girlfriend the right to not be an ever-ready sex-bot, you too may give yourself that same permission.
posted by nacho fries at 1:14 PM on March 18, 2013 [1 favorite]
What you are experiencing is so common, I consider it just a normal part of sex. I've been in the bonin' business for decades, so I speak with the authority of experience; experience which includes a range of male partners of varying age and prior sexual activity (including virgins, aging Casanovas, young men in the peak of fitness, and so on). The ones who never ever had an erection go south on us are so few in number, I'm struggling to even remember one.
I know you love your girlfriend all to pieces, but you are allowed to stand up for yourself and your right to have a complex psyche and physiology that responds to the overwhelm of intimacy in ways that aren't always predictable. Just as you would give your girlfriend the right to not be an ever-ready sex-bot, you too may give yourself that same permission.
posted by nacho fries at 1:14 PM on March 18, 2013 [1 favorite]
> However over the weekend we planned an amazing, romantic evening together that was to end with us having sex.
Yeah, the worst sex I've ever had was this scenario, with a girl I wasn't yet comfortable with. Erection problems, came too soon, cold rejection from girl, really awful experience. Too much pressure, recipe for disaster.
> I've been with my girlfriend for almost 4 months now,
This seems like a long time for not being comfortable with each other yet. Clearly you are not though.
> However this time she's become even more upset because it happened again, and now is starting to question whether or not we can be together, because she feels sex is a very strong and bonding connector.
It is, but for some people, they have to feel the intimacy first before the sex can get good. I'm that way and maybe you are too.
I would like to believe that your girl is inexperienced, too. because if she's not, she's cruel. "If you can't keep it up we're through" is about the most destructive and counterproductive thing you could say to a guy in your position.
What I would prescribe would be spending a lot of time cuddling and making out, and fooling around without a whole lot of expectation of intercourse. As others have pointed out there's plenty of fun to be had without intercourse. It is very likely that you'll find your physical capabilities in order if you can explore sex a little more slowly, without so much pressure and anxiety.
> I couldn't bear the thought of losing my girlfriend, I love her more than anything in the world.
Yeah, this isn't helping either. I wonder if the rest of your relationship is healthy, and makes you happy. If not, it's unlikely the sex will ever get good. Don't confuse cause and effect if things go badly. Some people need the trust and affection first.
posted by mattu at 2:04 PM on March 18, 2013 [2 favorites]
Yeah, the worst sex I've ever had was this scenario, with a girl I wasn't yet comfortable with. Erection problems, came too soon, cold rejection from girl, really awful experience. Too much pressure, recipe for disaster.
> I've been with my girlfriend for almost 4 months now,
This seems like a long time for not being comfortable with each other yet. Clearly you are not though.
> However this time she's become even more upset because it happened again, and now is starting to question whether or not we can be together, because she feels sex is a very strong and bonding connector.
It is, but for some people, they have to feel the intimacy first before the sex can get good. I'm that way and maybe you are too.
I would like to believe that your girl is inexperienced, too. because if she's not, she's cruel. "If you can't keep it up we're through" is about the most destructive and counterproductive thing you could say to a guy in your position.
What I would prescribe would be spending a lot of time cuddling and making out, and fooling around without a whole lot of expectation of intercourse. As others have pointed out there's plenty of fun to be had without intercourse. It is very likely that you'll find your physical capabilities in order if you can explore sex a little more slowly, without so much pressure and anxiety.
> I couldn't bear the thought of losing my girlfriend, I love her more than anything in the world.
Yeah, this isn't helping either. I wonder if the rest of your relationship is healthy, and makes you happy. If not, it's unlikely the sex will ever get good. Don't confuse cause and effect if things go badly. Some people need the trust and affection first.
posted by mattu at 2:04 PM on March 18, 2013 [2 favorites]
People tend to paint your girlfriend as a villain here. But if the person who's experiencing performance anxiety is unable to recognize it as performance anxiety, how can we expect your partner to know better? You strike me as two inexperienced people, not one inexperienced person being harangued. You and she seem to both going on the naive view of erections: that young men, barring physical problems, should be able to have and keep rock-hard ones whenever they like. If not knowing that makes her a monster, you were made by the same Doctor Frankenstein. Neither of you are monsters, just young people.
My guess is that she's speaking dramatically from a position of intense sexual frustration. Being upset when you thought you were going to have sex (for the first time in months and months) and it turns out you're not isn't a condition that only affects dudes. My advice is to give her an orgasm before you even attempt penetration next time. If you lose your erection again, she may still be disappointed, but she won't be blazingly frustrated. The vasocongestion that causes "blue balls" does have a painful female equivalent. It feels like menstrual cramps, and I think we all know how happy women are when they have menstrual cramps.
Yes, she needs to learn to handle her sexual frustration better, but handling it poorly is a nigh-universal condition in people this young. Ask your friends who date men instead of women if you want to hear just how poorly it can get. Jumping ship is very likely to land you on effectively the same ship later on, just with different rigging. "I don't know whether I can remain in a relationship if it's going to be permanently sexless," is not really that unreasonable a position. And your girlfriend may be ignorant enough to think that two false starts makes permanence a likely scenario.
(I mean, she might be a complete ass. I don't know her. But you love her, so my advice is based on the premise that she's not. Good luck!)
posted by cirocco at 4:46 PM on March 18, 2013 [2 favorites]
My guess is that she's speaking dramatically from a position of intense sexual frustration. Being upset when you thought you were going to have sex (for the first time in months and months) and it turns out you're not isn't a condition that only affects dudes. My advice is to give her an orgasm before you even attempt penetration next time. If you lose your erection again, she may still be disappointed, but she won't be blazingly frustrated. The vasocongestion that causes "blue balls" does have a painful female equivalent. It feels like menstrual cramps, and I think we all know how happy women are when they have menstrual cramps.
Yes, she needs to learn to handle her sexual frustration better, but handling it poorly is a nigh-universal condition in people this young. Ask your friends who date men instead of women if you want to hear just how poorly it can get. Jumping ship is very likely to land you on effectively the same ship later on, just with different rigging. "I don't know whether I can remain in a relationship if it's going to be permanently sexless," is not really that unreasonable a position. And your girlfriend may be ignorant enough to think that two false starts makes permanence a likely scenario.
(I mean, she might be a complete ass. I don't know her. But you love her, so my advice is based on the premise that she's not. Good luck!)
posted by cirocco at 4:46 PM on March 18, 2013 [2 favorites]
Chiming into say that losing an erection can happen to anyone. I've been with my long-time boyfriend for four years, and he has this issue every once in a while. It may be a little annoying and inconvenient in the moment, but I know that he's trying his best and just isn't up for it (heh) at that time. Hell, it happens to women all the time too.
I don't want to make it seem as if you'll be dealing with this forever; I just want you to know that this is normal. You're not a freak. It happens to lots of people, not just guys. You're just in a spot where it's not happening for whatever reason. Since you've already covered the medical angle, your job is to figure out what is subconsciously bothering you. Maybe it's the lack of experience, maybe you're worried it's not "perfect", maybe your girlfriend is making you feel pressured, maybe you have stress from school or work that's carrying over into your personal life.
Also, try to spend lots of time relaxing, doing things you like, making sure you have enough time for yourself etc.... That always helps the sex life - don't need to be worrying about dirty dishes or something during sex.
posted by nigeline at 5:51 PM on March 18, 2013
I don't want to make it seem as if you'll be dealing with this forever; I just want you to know that this is normal. You're not a freak. It happens to lots of people, not just guys. You're just in a spot where it's not happening for whatever reason. Since you've already covered the medical angle, your job is to figure out what is subconsciously bothering you. Maybe it's the lack of experience, maybe you're worried it's not "perfect", maybe your girlfriend is making you feel pressured, maybe you have stress from school or work that's carrying over into your personal life.
Also, try to spend lots of time relaxing, doing things you like, making sure you have enough time for yourself etc.... That always helps the sex life - don't need to be worrying about dirty dishes or something during sex.
posted by nigeline at 5:51 PM on March 18, 2013
It's already been echoed in this thread, but i'm going to take the side of yes, she is being a shitty person.
Ignorance of How It All Works™ is an explanation, but in no way a free pass or excuse for being an inconsiderate, empathy lacking crappy partner when it comes to stuff like this.
And i'm speaking from a position of being You, OP, several times over. In high school, in college, whatever. I've talked to my friends and it's a generally common thing among young dudes having sex with someone new for the first few times. Everyone brought it up shamefully while properly drunk, and was amazed/relieved to know that everyone else had experienced it too.
The reason i'm saying that, or any of this though, is that the women(or in earlier cases, girls) who were shitty about this turned out to have generally shitty/vindictive/catty/crappy/everything bad attitudes about a hell of a lot of other things. This type of reaction is, and should be, a massive red flag.
I'm completely against the side of "you'll just end up with someone else like this if you're young and fucking around with inexperienced people". Uh, no. There are plenty of young, awesome, understanding women out there around your age. Inexperienced or not. Hell, there were when i was in high school too. Someone who's a worthwhile partner will just go "oh, well it's cool. why don't i/you grab a couple beers from the fridge and lets just cuddle/make-out and watch netflix in bed for a while?"
And trust me, when you find someone like that and realize that yes, they really mean it and there's no pressure on you then you will be popping boners left and right that smash through anything in their path ala Mr. Driller.
Not to mention the fact that the people who were shitty about it never ended up being fun partners to have sex with anyways, in addition to that same "WHY THE FUCK ISN'T THIS WORKING EXACTLY THE WAY I HAD IT PLANNED IN MY MIND" entitled attitude leaking out in a bunch of other places in the relationships.
I'm actually with the DTMFA people on here. I look back on those situations and the relationships that surrounded them without any hint of fondness. I know i might be projecting a bit here, but this post really spoke to me because i could have seen myself posting it if i was active on MeFi back then.
posted by emptythought at 6:59 PM on March 18, 2013 [1 favorite]
Ignorance of How It All Works™ is an explanation, but in no way a free pass or excuse for being an inconsiderate, empathy lacking crappy partner when it comes to stuff like this.
And i'm speaking from a position of being You, OP, several times over. In high school, in college, whatever. I've talked to my friends and it's a generally common thing among young dudes having sex with someone new for the first few times. Everyone brought it up shamefully while properly drunk, and was amazed/relieved to know that everyone else had experienced it too.
The reason i'm saying that, or any of this though, is that the women(or in earlier cases, girls) who were shitty about this turned out to have generally shitty/vindictive/catty/crappy/everything bad attitudes about a hell of a lot of other things. This type of reaction is, and should be, a massive red flag.
I'm completely against the side of "you'll just end up with someone else like this if you're young and fucking around with inexperienced people". Uh, no. There are plenty of young, awesome, understanding women out there around your age. Inexperienced or not. Hell, there were when i was in high school too. Someone who's a worthwhile partner will just go "oh, well it's cool. why don't i/you grab a couple beers from the fridge and lets just cuddle/make-out and watch netflix in bed for a while?"
And trust me, when you find someone like that and realize that yes, they really mean it and there's no pressure on you then you will be popping boners left and right that smash through anything in their path ala Mr. Driller.
Not to mention the fact that the people who were shitty about it never ended up being fun partners to have sex with anyways, in addition to that same "WHY THE FUCK ISN'T THIS WORKING EXACTLY THE WAY I HAD IT PLANNED IN MY MIND" entitled attitude leaking out in a bunch of other places in the relationships.
I'm actually with the DTMFA people on here. I look back on those situations and the relationships that surrounded them without any hint of fondness. I know i might be projecting a bit here, but this post really spoke to me because i could have seen myself posting it if i was active on MeFi back then.
posted by emptythought at 6:59 PM on March 18, 2013 [1 favorite]
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Honestly, the fact that she wants to break up with you over this kind of feels like a red flag to me. Is she also relatively inexperienced?
posted by SkylitDrawl at 8:10 PM on March 17, 2013 [43 favorites]