Popping out during sex.

March 13, 2013 11:42 AM

I'm a lady and my boyfriend's penis keeps popping out during sex. How can we stop this?

Pertinent information:

-He is significantly larger than average, both in length and in girth.
-This is a recurring issue; earlier, it was because my vaginismus prevented more than 1 inch of penetration, so we figured it would be better as penetration improved. Not he's fully penetrating me but is still popping out (and 'up', along my vulva) unless I stay perfectly still and he doesn't move too much.
-He says it feels as though his penis is going to pop out even if he's moving very little and is penetrating me very deeply, and that it feels like if he moves out too far my vagina just sort of 'propels' it out.
-We would cut back on the lube, but lots of lube is necessary to achieve any penetration at all, because otherwise any pain (from my over-endowed boyfriend) causes my vagina to clench (thanks to my vaginismus), and this prevents any penetration at all.
-He has never had this happen before with any other woman.
-We haven't tried doggie style but this happens in every single position we have tried.

posted by anonymous to health & fitness (10 answers total)

Was going to suggest different positioning, but now your last point has me wondering... have you tried it with you on top? That usually keeps things in place better and you can control it a bit more. Also, maybe with more foreplay you can use less lube?
posted by Eicats at 11:47 AM on March 13

Hard to tell how much detail to use here without knowing a little bit about experience level...

Things to consider:
-Is he fully erect?
-Is your vaginal canal/opening in line with the angle/direction of his erection?
-Is his thrusting in line with his erection?
-On the "out" part of his stroke, is he coming too far out?

Maybe I am missing something, but if all of these things are on the money, you have a truly confusing problem indeed!
posted by milqman at 12:46 PM on March 13

What a frustrating situation. My guess is that the clenching is still playing a part. It may be that your muscles aren't as clamped down as they used to be, but if you're still pretty reactive (clamping down if there's any pain) they may still be pretty tight/on edge/on guard.

I have never had vaginismus, but I have had the experience that my lover's cock was more and more likely to pop out during intercourse as my Kegel/pelvic floor muscles strengthened over time. Now if I'm really bearing down as I come his penis has a really difficult time staying in. With us, this is especially likely when I'm on top, although we've noticed it when he's on top too, though less likely. Not at all a problem when he enters me from behind, that I can recall.
posted by Lola Xaviera Boom-Boom McPuppet at 1:42 PM on March 13 [1 favorite]

Have you ever tried to pick up a dong-shaped object when your hands are covered in lube/soap/anything like that? it will shoot out of your hand.

I bet you actually still are clenching a bit(consciously or not) and are kinda squirting him out, banana from it's peel style. I'd try with as little lube as possible, and just add tiny drops more until its just enough to get it in without it not working, then give it a few "pumps". still feel like it's going to fly out/does he still feel like he's being "propelled" out?

I've had similar problems with too much lube making it really hard to not well, pop out of the "groove". The solution was always less lube. It works infinitely better if the person on the receiving end can get a "grip" a bit.
posted by emptythought at 1:44 PM on March 13 [1 favorite]

I am wondering if orgasm first for you might help relax things.
posted by Michele in California at 2:05 PM on March 13

This is more than likely linked to the vaginismus. I have pretty rock solid pelvic floor, and a strong orgasm will cause my vaginal muscles to pop my boyfriend out, too.

Really, all I can suggest is that you try to find positions that work best (not perfectly) for you, and work at it. It's not your fault, really. Human anatomy is quirky. Try doggy style and spoony-doggy-style (ie, still lined up how you would for doggy, just with the two of you lying on your side, not quite spoons) so penetration is perpendicular. He'll have a greater chance of staying in place that way.

Engaging in other, non-penetrative forms of play for longer periods of time will likely help too, especially if you're the kind of person who can manage multiple orgasms over a single sitting. Playing with realistic feeling toys - something in Vixskin, perhaps, they do a range of sizes - as a warm up will likely help too, though I imagine you've already been told that.

You could also try experimenting with your lubes. A good, sneaky way to get maximum slickness without overdoing it is to layer your lubes. Put silicone on him and use water based on you, and the effect is like water on an oily road. Both are safe with condoms and most toys, though silicones need to be kept clear of silicone toys (like the Vixskin, unfortunately.) That way you don't need a lot, but you still get a good slickness. Perhaps this will allow you to trim down the amount of lube actually used without sacrificing your comfort.

I'd suggest that as whatever treatment you've opted for with the vaginismus progresses, you'll likely find it less prone to happening. Frankly you're doing well already to be able to have rewarding sex with a well endowed guy, so don't be disheartened. These things take time.
posted by Jilder at 2:19 PM on March 13 [1 favorite]

I had this problem with my now-wife when we were first dating. I'd never experienced it before, and it was both comical and occasionally annoying to us.

But, eventually I learned the signs and adjusted for them. Now, it happens only once in a long while.

My advice is practice practice practice. The signs are there, he just needs to learn them. Or so I hope for you.
posted by Invoke at 2:38 PM on March 13

What about allowing him to penetrate, then resting in that position for about five minutes or even longer. Then he withdraws about halfway and rests for about five minutes- then returns to full penetration. He probably won't have an orgasm but it might help to train your vagina to be accustomed to his presence and size.
posted by windykites at 4:15 PM on March 13

This visibly happens during some pornography with well-endowed actors, so maybe it could be fun to find some of that and observe how the actors and actresses deal with it.
posted by Sockpuppet Liberation Front at 5:09 PM on March 13

I seem to have been thinking about this over the past few days. I also have vaginismus (and vulvodynia) and I haven't actually made it to the having intercourse part, so I'm just guessing. I know my pelvic floor is both very tight and very weak. I wonder if weakness is your problem. The reason I say this is cause I've had problems with tampons falling out and that doesn't seem to happen to most people. (Can't believe I'm admitting that!) But I don't know if tampons and penises have much in common.
posted by carolr at 9:09 PM on March 19