The No-Sleep Cry Solution

March 9, 2013 7:38 PM

Is there any way I can get my 8-month-old baby to sleep well when we visit his grandparents? Or what are some reasonable expectations for the visit? At home, over the last few months, we've transitioned from all-night wake-and-whine marathons to REAL SLEEP by letting the kid cry it out. Please don't judge; I already beat myself up over it. Sleep training is still better than a mom mostly dead from sleep deprivation. But tomorrow we leave for the grandparents' house for a 4-day visit, and I have no idea what we're going to do for sleep.

Our last visit was a week after we started sleep training. Babybelle was sleeping well at home, so I tried repeating his routine at Grandma's house but he woke up scared a few times, Grandma got upset at his howling, and baby ended up in bed with me. When we got back home, it took a week of rough nights to get him back on track.
What should I do this time? The co-sleeping is more like no-sleeping for us, quite frankly. I am a terrible sleeper and wake him with my panic attacks, and he wants to nurse and party all night if he's in bed with me.
I'd really really like him to sleep in his crib at my parents' place because then I could visit more often. My parents are OK with a bit of crying but not a ton, especially in the middle of the night. Any ideas? Or do I just suck it up and then sleep train him again when we get home? Is it even reasonable to expect an 8-month-old to be able to sleep well in a different place?

posted by bluebelle to health & fitness (16 answers total)

Have you tried to Ferberize him? A lot of parents swear by the technique in this book.
posted by seasparrow at 7:44 PM on March 9 [1 favorite]

I think you should continue doing what you're doing when you go to your parents' house. I also think that you should take a harder line with your parents - if CIO is working for you, you should let your parents know that possible crying is one of the things they need to accept if they'd like you to visit.

It is more than reasonable to expect that your 8 month old can do this. Keep doing what you're doing and you'll have a pro sleeper in no time!
posted by Betelgeuse at 8:09 PM on March 9 [13 favorites]

Is it even reasonable to expect an 8-month-old to be able to sleep well in a different place?

In my experience (and I am not a child development professional, and have only raised one child), no, it is not. From your description, it sounds like your parents have unreasonable expectations. Do they not remember when you were 8 months old?
posted by trip and a half at 8:11 PM on March 9

Or, you know, what Betelgeuse said.
posted by trip and a half at 8:12 PM on March 9

Keep doing what you're doing. Get a white noise machine.

When I visit my Mother, who lives in a little condo, we had to get creative. We set up her pack and play (crib) in the little laundry room in the basement. It was the only place that was reliably dark and away from most things. Pop her in there for naps and sleeping, and turn on a white noise machine pretty loud.

We have also used this at my Dad's house over holidays. Put her in our room and crank that white noise machine up. She slept like a (good) baby all night long even though we held a spirited Apples to Apples game not 15 feet from her.

We've used a white noise machine from the start and swear by it. When she hears that noise, she knows it's time for sleeping. Of course we have a whole naptime and sleep ritual, but the white noise machine brings it home. It also lets you do things outside their room without waking them up. Super valuable.
posted by sanka at 8:19 PM on March 9 [1 favorite]

We took a visit to Grandma's when my daughter was 8 months old. She had been sleeping at home like a champ, but it all fell apart the first night away. It was dreadful, we were both exhausted, but she slept pretty well once we returned.

I think it's a lot to expect other people to tolerate your baby sobbing/crying. When you're not around it all the time, the sound really gets you, you know? And then add in the precious grandchild factor and there you go. So I would just suck it up and do what you need to do when you get home.
posted by stowaway at 8:22 PM on March 9 [3 favorites]

Raised three great sleepers. Before a trip we would have them sleep for two nights at home in their pack and play portacrib. Got them used to it. Stick to your schedule ans routine at your mom's. You also need to train your parents. They need to think about the bigger picture. A little short term stress and crying for a few days will make visits in future more likely. If sleep is hell at their house, it won't be worth coming until baby belle gets older.

Hang in there. Don't beat yourself up over the crying. You are both better off if baby is learning to sleep. This too shall pass.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 9:37 PM on March 9 [8 favorites]

Definitely ditto what JohnnyGunn said. It may help baby belle to be in the same pack and play with the same blanket, smell etc. That being said, maybe invest in some quality ear plugs for Grandma/Grandpa?

And the last thing you need at this stage is guilt, so maybe, as JohnnyGun said again, maybe no future trips if they cannot handle the cries.
posted by lil' ears at 9:53 PM on March 9 [1 favorite]

It sounds like you are really stressed about this and I guess your baby is going to pick up on your stress levels. Is there anything you can do to calm yourself down about the visit and the sleeping?

JohnyGunn's suggestions are good. But, can you also have some kind of back-up plan so that you (and everyone else) knows what will happen if you have to take your baby to your own bed.

i.e. Let your parents know that you are going to try to have your baby sleep in his crib. If baby can't sleep in his crib, the visit isn't working for you. The consequences are that you and your family will return home the next day and try another visit later.

good luck.
posted by jazh at 11:54 PM on March 9 [1 favorite]

All of the above sounds like excellent advice to me so this is meant to supplement it rather than replace it:

If he's waking up scared at Grandma's house, in addition to the unfamiliarity of his crib, he might be disoriented by the unfamiliar landmarks of the room. You might consider getting a distinctive night light that you can keep in his room at home, and then take with you to your parents. Ideally it would be bright enough that it would be the most noticable thing in the room at night, but not so bright it would keep him up.

You could also look for a light that projects stars on the ceiling. (We have this one, but it automatically turns off after 45 minutes, so I'm not sure it would be too useful. I think you'd really want one that keeps the stars on all night, so he sees them whenever he wakes up.)

In a pinch, you might also consider getting a sleeping bag and sleeping on the floor of the room where he sleeps at Grandma's house. On the one hand, this could prove more distracting and keep him up at night. But it could also be reassuring if he wakes up and you're there, and it won't establish the pattern that he comes into your bed when he's upset.

Oh, and finally-- don't feel any guilt for CIO. Don't feel guilt if his sleep schedule gets messed up when you're at your parents' house. And don't feel any guilt if you can't make it work and you have to cut back on visits to your parents' house. There are certainly things a parent should feel guilty about, but trying to establish healthy sleep habits is NOT one.Neither is doing your best but not always getting those sleep habits right. Nor is getting the sleep you need to be an active, alert, and engaged parent.
posted by yankeefog at 3:38 AM on March 10

In addition to all the great suggestions for helping your kidlet sleep: bring ear plugs and a white noise machine for the grandparents. This will give you a wider range of noise that they consider acceptable and hopefully let the situation be less stressful to you and your child.

Good luck and I hope you have a good trip.
posted by sciencegeek at 4:09 AM on March 10

Agree that it's tough, especially at this age. Even good sleeples have problems while traveling!

You have great suggestions already, but I think it's absolutely true that your parents don't remember how you were as an 8-month-old, and it's probably upsetting for them. Explain to them gently that this is normal, and if it upsets them, then perhaps it's best that they do the visiting until the baby is older. In six months things will go much smoother!
posted by snickerdoodle at 7:56 AM on March 10

"Our last visit was a week after we started sleep training. Babybelle was sleeping well at home, so I tried repeating his routine at Grandma's house but he woke up scared a few times, Grandma got upset at his howling, and baby ended up in bed with me."

So he fell asleep on his own OK, and the problem didn't come till he woke up again later at night?

The advice I recall reading is to work hard on getting the baby to go to sleep on his own when he first goes to sleep at night, but then to just do whatever's easiest if he wakes up again later at night--the theory being that once they get used to going to sleep on their own at bedtime the late-night stuff will eventually take care of itself on its own. Is there any short cut to getting him back to sleep (like rocking to sleep and then moving him to his crib?) that works without taking him into bed with you?

For us we found some wake-ups the first night or two in a new place is normal, but usually it's not a lot of noise--just the time for us to wake up and calm him down, then the rest of the time was quietly rocking or nursing him back to sleep. If even that much crying at night bothers someone, then their expectations are totally unrealistic. If it's 40 minutes of howling then I can kind of understand....

Good luck!
posted by bfields at 1:48 PM on March 10

There is a part of the culture that is okay with leaving babies to cry, and there is a part that is not, and there really isn't much meeting in-between there; I think the ideas that you might tell Grandma, Grandma who has already drawn a line in the sand, to chill, are silly. Surely maintaining good relations with baby's grandparents is the priority here? If it is not, given the stress, I (regrettably) agree with the idea that maybe postponing visits would be better. Could they come to you...?

Explain to them gently that this is normal

Of course it is not a universal "normal"...! It is normal for people who "sleep train" with crying. Nighttime crying was a freak occurrence here after the newborn period. And I am the oldest of four (by quite a few years) and did not grow up listening to babies crying in the dark; my siblings were with my parents when wee, and fetched quickly if they woke up in their rooms after that. Nobody outside of "cry" culture is going to be interested in ear plugs (!) for this. Fully agree with stowaway; it is asking too much, and not a good path to harmonious relationships for all concerned.

My daughter was a very portable baby and our travel MO was a large inflatable mattress for the two of us -- is it possible that with enough space you might get something that is close enough to you for baby but with enough room for you to sleep? The usual view on "sleep training" is that it is something that needs to be repeated after any changes (travel, moves, etc). I would roll with 'whatever works' and make it clear that you will be sleeping in/needing a nap/etc; hopefully naps will be an easy thing to come by with so many other adults on hand.
posted by kmennie at 9:54 PM on March 10 [3 favorites]

Well, I'm the oldest of five, and some of us absolutely cried when we traveled, or had visitors, or anything else that disrupted their routine. Hard not to notice in a one-room house.

Some babies are portable and some aren't. Some aren't sensitive to changes in routine, and others find them very upsetting. Sometimes "whatever works" is sleep training, and you really have to parent the kids you have.

That being said, of course your parents don't want to hear their grandbaby cry. And from my experience, it doesn't matter how well you follow routine, you'll see some backsliding when you travel. So you might as well limit the disruption for everybody, and go ahead and comfort her when/if she cries. It's too late now, but also try not to do anything major (sleep training, potty training, weaning, etc.) right before traveling.
posted by snickerdoodle at 4:34 PM on March 11

The visit went well! I did the same bedtime routine we do at home, spent lots of time in the nursery to get him comfy, and he slept great (or as well as could be expected -- multiple wakings most nights, but he would nurse, go back to his crib, crab for maybe 30 seconds and go back to sleep). I consider it a success, and my parents were not disturbed at all (and amazed at how much better he did this visit compared to last time).

But yes -- with my in-laws, there is no way that I could get away with even letting him crab for 30 seconds. My MIL would be calling CPS on me. And that is why they come to visit us instead of us going to visit them.

I think we will get a pack-and-play and try getting him used to sleeping in that so that we can maybe go somewhere else someday, too.
posted by bluebelle at 7:50 PM on March 13 [2 favorites]